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Parenting Perfectionists
Copyright 2014 NAGC. Reprinted with permission of the National
Association for Gifted Children. No further reprints are permitted
without the consent of NAGC.
Parenting
Perfectionists
Encouraging Healthy Risk-Taking for Risk Evaders
By Dr. Hope E. Wilson & Dr. Jill L. Adelson
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Parenting Perfectionists
Jana received a flier for an art program for children
in the community. Excitedly, she showed her gifted
elementary-aged daughter, Calla, the paper, and
waited expectantly for shouts of excitement about the
opportunity. Instead, she was met with a shrug of the
shoulders and an indifferent look. Calla told her that
art was not her “thing” and that she did not want to
go to art camp. Perplexed, Jana stared at her child,
not understanding why she wasn’t interested.
Now, if this was the first camp that Calla had
rejected for the summer, Jana might have just
dismissed this as a lack of interest in art. However,
Calla had systematically rejected soccer camp,
theater camp, softball camp, music camp, and dance
classes. It was beginning to look like she would be
spending all day, every day, of the summer at home
in her room.
Parents of gifted children like Calla are often
baffled by their children’s dismissal of many extracurricular opportunities. It is hard to understand
why children with such talent and potential would
not be excited about joining and participating in a
variety of activities that would showcase their skills.
Parents often come to us asking about their child’s
reluctance and wondering how they can encourage
their child to develop his or her talent when their
child avoids taking risks.
In actuality, risk avoidance is characteristic
of perfectionistic behaviors. We often call these
children “Risk Evaders” (Adelson, 2007; Adelson
& Wilson, 2009). Risk Evaders tend to avoid trying new things or participating in competitions or
even activities in which they believe they may not
perform perfectly. By avoiding these activities, Risk
Evaders often miss out on excellent opportunities
for further development of talent, self-esteem, and
confidence in their abilities. As parents, the underlying motivation for avoiding these activities and
how to help your child extend his or her participation is difficult to understand.
Perfectionistic Behaviors
Rather than classify children as perfectionists,
we prefer to discuss behaviors that tend to relate to
perfectionistic tendencies. Thus, we can focus on
changing behaviors, rather than labeling children,
which can have negative consequences. Perfectionistic behaviors are associated with a focus on achieving
high goals. These behaviors may be negative (i.e.,
unhealthy) or positive (i.e., healthy). As parents and
caregivers for gifted children, our goal is to help children move from using perfectionism in an unhealthy
way to exhibiting healthy behaviors that continue to
address their need to achieve high goals.
Healthy perfectionism leads children to strive
for excellence, set high (yet manageable) goals, and
pursue their areas of talent. Unhealthy perfection-
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ism, on the other hand, prevents children from managing their time effectively, immobilizes them from pursing
areas of talent, or otherwise interferes with their happiness or well-being. Table 1 illustrates some of the differences between healthy and unhealthy perfectionism.
Table 1
Healthy and Unhealthy Perfectionistic Behaviors
Healthy Perfectionistic Behaviors
Unhealthy Perfectionistic Behaviors
Sets high, realistic goals
Unrealistically expects perfection
Enjoys challenges
Avoids challenges
Has confidence in abilities
Lacks confidence and self-esteem
Accepts defeats
Is a poor loser
Learns from mistakes
Is devastated by mistakes
Exercises good time management skills
Lacks time-management skills
When children begin to exhibit behaviors that illustrate unhealthy perfectionism, parents, teachers, and
caregivers must work together to help them develop
healthier habits. Healthy perfectionism can allow gifted
and talented children to have highly successful and
enriching lives.
Risk Evaders
As noted above, Risk Evaders are children who
exhibit unhealthy perfectionistic behaviors that tend to
prevent them from participating in activities that have
the possibility for failure, such as Calla who refused to
attend art camp. Other Risk Evaders may not audition for
school plays, try out for sports teams, or join in extracurricular activities. Competition is particularly an issue for
these children, as they fear revealing imperfections. These
behaviors may also manifest themselves in academic
settings as students who “forget” to complete assignments
or seldom volunteer answers in class discussions. Table 2
outlines some characteristics of Risk Evaders.
Table 2
Characteristics of Risk Evaders
Avoid challenges
Miss school assignments
Lack of participation in school activities
and competitive situations
Hide perceived imperfections
Focus on outcomes
Narrow focus of interests
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development into well-rounded citizens. These behaviors may even carry over to children avoiding activities
such as a family game that a sibling is better at, or that
the child does not think he or she is likely, or even
guaranteed, to win.
Through their reluctance to participate in a variety of activities, children miss out on opportunities to
develop skills and interests in a variety of areas. This
diversity of activities helps to develop well-roundedness.
By trying many new things, children can discover new
interests and learn how to cope with mistakes and imperfections. They can learn how to enjoy participation
without the pressure of a perfect or faultless performance. A talented pianist may enjoy playing soccer,
even if she isn’t the star player. A gifted writer may
enjoy time spent participating in a community theater
production. The key is being willing to try a variety of
activities and risk not being the best but instead focusing on the joy of the activity itself.
Competition and Risk-Taking
One way to encourage participation and joy of the
discipline is to find activities that avoid competition
between participants. For Risk Evaders who are reluctant to engage in situations in which they may not be
as good as other children, cooperative or noncompetitive situations may be more successful starting points.
A child may be more willing to create art as part of an
afterschool enrichment class than for a national art
competition. Similarly, many community and recreation
centers offer art, dance, gymnastics, or swimming classes
for children who are more focused on exposure to a new
area and enjoyment than serious competition. These are
excellent ways for children to try out new areas of interest without pressure for outstanding performance.
That being said, as a child begins to develop elite
or advanced talent in a specific area, higher levels of
competition may be necessary to fully develop his or her
talent. Auditions or portfolios may be required to attend
top schools or gain access to elite trainers or programs.
Children who shy away from these experiences may miss
out on opportunities to develop their talent. To develop
elite status, children may need to engage in competitive
activities. Competition will also allow children to hone
their own skills in response to others’ advanced abilities
and will allow them to receive feedback on where they
are in developing and exhibiting their skills. Parents
can help their children in these instances by focusing
on enjoyment of the activity and striving to outperform
their personal performances rather than other children’s
performances. For example, the goal should be to score
more goals than the last game, rather than beat the opposing team.
Developing Healthy Risk-Taking
The goal of parents of Risk Evaders is to help children move from unhealthy perfectionism to healthy
risk-taking. To encourage children to begin taking risks
in activities in which they may fail, make a mistake, or
their faults may be shown, parents are often in need of
advice. Children who are reluctant to participate in activities due to unhealthy perfectionism need a supportive and safe environment, concrete and specific praise,
and low-risk starting points.
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Parenting Perfectionists
Safe Environments
Parents can create safe and supportive environments
within their families to encourage healthy risk-taking.
By acknowledging your own mistakes, you can work
to create a place in which honesty, rather than perfection, is valued. Recently, one of the authors forgot a
deadline at work. As she relayed the story at the dinner
table, her family was able to see not only that she made
a mistake but also how she coped with it by discussing the issue with her boss. This opened up to a further
discussion over dessert about how she was frustrated
with herself for the mistake but how she could overcome
and continue and that it would not prevent her from
volunteering for other projects in the future. Her family
talked and shared about how they all felt when they are
disappointed in themselves and how they coped. Communication is the key to creating a safe environment for
children within a family.
Concrete and Specific Praise
Another way to build a safe and secure environment
and raise a child’s confidence level is to provide concrete
and specific praise. Empty praise or continual praise that
is not linked to specific actions does little to help a child
develop a sense of accomplishment or pride in his or her
abilities. It is possible to provide your child unconditional and continual love and support, while communicating
praise at specific actions. When parents consistently find
concrete actions and accomplishments to encourage in
their children, the children learn to find joy in their successes, as well. For example, “I am so proud of how hard
you worked on that pirouette” is more meaningful to a
child than, “You are such a good dancer.” See Table 3 for
more examples of specific praise.
Table 3
Types of Praise
Empty Praise
Concrete Praise
“You are a good dancer.”
“I love how hard you worked on
getting that pirouette right.”
“You are so smart.”
“You learned so much this week
about your history project.”
“Great job.”
“Excellent job scoring that goal
during the game today! I can tell you
practiced so hard.”
“You beat the Cardinals.”
“You made more baskets than you
did last week.”
“You are so creative.”
“I love your idea for the art project—
it is so unique. You have great ideas.”
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These types of praise help children appreciate their
individual successes and will help to fortify their selfconcepts to withstand disappointments that come from
occasional failures.
Low-Risk Starting Points
For children who are extreme Risk Evaders, it can
be a struggle to entice participation in any new activity. Thus, parents may need to start on small scales and
build on successes. A child who enjoys pick-up games of
ball in the neighborhood may be encouraged to join the
community t-ball league. A children’s church choir may
be less intimidating for a shy, but talented, singer than
a large school choir. Organizations such as Girl Scouts,
Boy Scouts, Boys and Girls Clubs, YMCA, and 4H also
provide opportunities for children to try a variety of
activities in a noncompetitive environment. As children
grow in skills and confidence, they can extend their
activities to include more competitive environments.
Suggestions for Parents
Although these guidelines provide a general sense of
direction, many parents wish for specific ideas for their
Risk Evaders. These suggestions are meant to be activities that you could start as family traditions on a regular
basis, or even as one-time experiences, tomorrow.
Family Adventure Night
One simple way to encourage healthy risk-taking is to
institute “Family Adventure Night.” Family Adventure
Night is a chance for families to cooperate and try new
activities that are outside of their comfort zone. By modeling healthy risk-taking, parents show children that having
fun is more important than avoiding mistakes. These
adventure nights provide a place to develop a safe and
secure environment for imperfections and also provide
low-risk starting points for risk-taking. Family Adventure
Nights might be athletic activities, such as miniature golf,
bowling, or roller skating. They could also be impromptu
activities at home, such as charades, karaoke, or learning
a new dance. With slightly more preparation, families
could work together on a new recipe, craft, or household
project. The idea is to pick an activity that no one has
a particular talent for but that everyone would consider
enjoyable. This provides an opportunity to laugh at your
own mistakes and enjoy participation rather than perfection or high performance. These activities also provide
an opportunity for parents to be an example, sharing with
their children any uneasiness about trying something new,
excitement over improvements (rather than winning),
and mistakes made.
Family Game Nights
Lots of family resources recommend family game
nights to build community and facilitate communica-
Parenting Perfectionists
tion. For Risk Evaders, family game nights have the
additional benefit of providing opportunities to develop
skills related to coping with competition and overcoming the fear of losing. Friendly competition on a board
game can be a learning opportunity for children when
parents purposefully guide discussion toward the way
to cope with mistakes and talking through their own
mistakes in the game. In addition, emphasis should be
placed on effort, skills, and fun rather than the ultimate
winner or loser of the game. Games such as Cranium
provide opportunities to try skills in a variety of areas
(such as drawing, solving word puzzles, trivia, music,
and acting). Other games develop unique skills such as
visual acuity (e.g., Pictureka), spelling and vocabulary
(e.g., Bananagrams), logic (e.g., Set), flexibility (e.g.,
Twister), or general silliness (e.g., Mad Gab). The key
is to find games that the whole family will enjoy playing
together, and parents can model appropriate responses
to competitive outcomes.
Story Sharing
Story sharing is seeking out and identifying stories
that illustrate healthy risk-taking and sharing them with
your children. Library books, television shows, movies, and biographies can provide ample examples for
discussion. Even audition shows for reality television
can be used to discuss the bravery of contestants with an
aspiring performer. Biographies of eminent personalities
often show examples of times in which it was necessary
to risk failure to pursue dreams. Posing questions during
the story can enhance the discussion and guide children to develop an understanding for themselves. For
example, asking the child what might have happened if
Louis Pasteur had thrown away his “contaminated” agar
plates rather than noticing the antibacterial properties of penicillin. In another situation, a child could
considerhowHelenKellermusthavefeltthefirsttime
she stepped onto stage to give a speech during her long
career as a public speaker, knowing the obstacles that
she would have to overcome.
Homework
This article, so far, has focused on extracurricular
activities and talents, but what about Risk Evaders and
academic pursuits? Risk Evaders may avoid completing
or attempting school assignments when they feel that
they may not be able to do them perfectly. Rather than
risk exposing their faults, the child may choose to “lose”
assignments or “forget” to do them entirely. This often
comes to a boiling point for families during homework
time. To prevent confusion, parents can work to maintain clear lines of communication with the teacher. By
working as a team, teachers and parents facilitate student success. Parent-teacher communications should be
ongoing. Sometimes, children will display perfectionistic
tendencies in one setting and not the other, so teachers and parents may not both realize that the child is
exhibiting unhealthy perfectionistic behaviors. Whether
the behaviors occur in one or both places, teachers and
parents working together is the key. Parents concerned
with the effects of risk-avoidance on homework and
academic performance should schedule a meeting with
the teacher. Ask the teacher about daily and weekly
homework expectations and consider having your child
use a planner to record assignments and for parents and
teachers to communicate with one another.
Because Risk Evaders are often focused on the outcome and whether they will be perfect, parents need to
help them learn to appreciate the process and how they
grow and improve during the process. This is particularly
important when children are working on projects or
studying for tests that cover an extended time in history.
Rather than wait for the teacher to evaluate and grade
the project or test, talk with your child about what she
or he did well and what he or she will do differently next
time. Also take the time to celebrate the completion of
the project rather than waiting and celebrating a grade.
When helping a Risk Evader move from avoiding
assignments to doing them, you may notice that he
or she wants reassurance with each step (or problem)
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Parenting Perfectionists
Parents of Risk Evaders can
work to create a safe and secure
environment and provide
specific praise and low-risk
starting points for activities.
that it was done perfectly. Avoid checking the entire
assignment and talk with your child about the purpose
of homework. Emphasize the importance of practice and
of growing rather than on being perfect each time. Once
the homework is returned, talk about whether the child
hasmasteredtheconceptorneedsmorepractice.Keep
inmindthatmasteryisnotthesameas100%correct.
Final Thoughts
One of the most frustrating situations is to parent a
child who exhibits unhealthy perfectionistic behaviors.
This article has detailed the specific characteristics of
unhealthy and healthy perfectionism, specifically as they
relate to Risk Evaders. Parents of Risk Evaders can work
to create a safe and secure environment and provide
specific praise and low-risk starting points for activities.
Specifically, they can begin family traditions such as
Family Adventure Night, game nights, or sharing stories. Homework can be an especially frustrating time for
unhealthy perfectionists, but parents can help children
by encouraging time management skills, maintaining
clear communication with teachers, and celebrating and
acknowledging the process rather than the outcome.
Although Jana’s daughter was not interested in the
art classes, eventually a solution was reached. After some
advice, Jana decided to discuss the summer activities
with Calla. She was, indeed, afraid of not being as good
as the other children in the classes. After reassurance and
talking through some scenarios, Calla carefully looked
through the summer guide for the local recreation center.
She was excited to learn they offered chess classes, and
Calla enthusiastically joined the class, even though she
(nor either of her parents) had ever played the game!
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Resources
Community Organizations
Girl Scouts of the USA
http://www.girlscouts.org
YMCA
http://www.ymca.net
Boy Scouts of America
http://www.scouting.org
4-H
http://4-h.org
Boys & Girls Clubs
of America
http://www.bgca.org
Articles
Adderholdt-Elliott, M. (1989). Perfectionism and underachievement. Gifted Child Today, 12(1), 19–21.
Adelson, J. L. (2007). A “perfect” case study: Perfectionism in academically talented fourth graders. Gifted
Child Today, 30(4), 14–20.
Books
Adelson, J. L., & Wilson, H. E. (2009). Letting go of
perfect: Overcoming perfectionism in kids. Waco, TX:
Prufrock Press.
Greenspon, T. S. (2007). What do when good enough isn’t
good enough. Minneapolis, MN: Free Spirit.
Authors’ Note:
Hope E. Wilson, Ph.D., is an assistant professor of
elementary education at Stephen F. Austin State University in Nacogdoches, TX. She earned her doctorate in
educational psychology with an emphasis in gifted education from the University of Connecticut. Prior to her
career in academia, Hope was an elementary art teacher
in Texas. She, along with her coauthor, wrote Letting Go
of Perfect: Overcoming Perfectionism in Kids, a practical
guide for parents and teachers to help children overcome
unhealthy perfectionism.
Jill L. Adelson, Ph.D., is an assistant professor at the
University of Louisville. Dr. Adelson’s experiences with
gifted children include teaching fourth grade self-contained gifted and talented classes and working in classes
as a professional development staff member for Project
M3: Mentoring Mathematical Minds. She provides professional development for educators across the country
and presents at local, state, national, and international
conferences, including NAGC and the World Council
for Gifted and Talented Children. She and Hope E.
Wilson coauthored Letting Go of Perfect: Overcoming
Perfectionism in Kids (2009).