Menlo Park Presbyterian Church
950 Santa Cruz Avenue, Menlo Park, CA 94025 650-323-8600
Series: All You Need Is
January 18, 2015
“Gifting and Re-gifting”
John Ortberg
I want to say good morning to everybody here, everybody in San Mateo (where they were setting records
last weekend, great stuff going on there) and Mountain View and Café, people joining us online from all
around the world, especially everybody in the San Jose area. We're just six weeks away from launching
there. We're thrilled you're all here.
A friend sent me a link to an amazing sermon this last week. Martin Luther King gave it just weeks before
he died. It's called The Drum Major Instinct. In it, he actually gave instructions about what he wanted
people to say at his funeral. He said he didn't want people to talk about his fame or his achievements. He
won a Nobel Prize. It wasn't that. Just, "Martin Luther King tried to love somebody." Just, "I would like
for it to be said at my funeral, 'Martin Luther King tried to love somebody.'"
This weekend, we remember a legacy of love. We're going through this book, The Five Love Languages,
and at the core of the book is this idea that what makes me loved may not be the same thing as what
makes you feel loved, so we want to learn the love languages of the people in our lives so we can just get
better at loving them. The five love languages we're walking through are words of affirmation, quality
time, the giving of gifts, acts of servanthood, and physical touch. We're learning what our love languages
are and those of the people around us.
I know people who are a having kids in their family take that little assessment you can do in the book or
online. If there's one love language that most deeply reflects the heart of God as Jesus teaches about it, it
might be the one we're going to talk about today. Probably the most famous verse in the Bible a lot of you
will know. It's in the gospel of John in the third chapter, the sixteenth verse. It just says, "For God so
loved the world that he gave his one and only Son [Jesus], that whoever believes [trusts] in him shall not
perish but have eternal life."
God loved; therefore, God gave. Love gives. The gift doesn't have to be expensive. It doesn't have to cost
a lot of money. It doesn't have to be fancy. It just has to say love. We were going through boxes at our
condo last week, and I found this little tattered piece of cardboard paper. It was colored gold. It had glitter
dust that had been sprinkled on it a long time ago. It's more or less in the shape of a trophy. It has some
words that were printed on their, scrawled in crayon, kind of messy.
It's labelled, "Heroes," and these are the words. "A hero is someone who pays attention to you. My hero is
my dad because he pays attention to me." It was a gift for me from my daughter. Do you think I would
take $10,000 for that paper cup? Well, of course I would. I mean, she can draw another cup. That's a
stupid question. That's just paper and stuff, but the heart, the words behind it, the love… There is no price
for that.
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When couples get married, they usually exchange rings. Why do we do that? Well, their value is not about
how much they cost. The engagement ring I got for Nancy (because I was in grad school and had no
money) had a diamond so small that it eventually fell out, and you couldn't even see the difference when it
was gone. A gift is a symbol. It's an expression. It's a concrete way of saying, "I think about you. I care
about you. You're not alone."
This week, we focus on the love language of giving. What I want to start with is some learning about the
relationship of giving to this agape love, the kind of love that Jesus talked about, that his followers
actually had to find kind of an unused word to express his idea about love. There is a fascinating book
about giving called Gratitude: An Intellectual History written by a guy named Peter Leithart. I'm quite
indebted for a lot I'm going to say today to this book.
It turns out the person who had the biggest impact on giving, who actually changed the nature of giving
and our ideas about gratitude more than anybody else in human life just as a matter of history, whatever
you think about him, is this man, Jesus. If we take time to look at this, it will help us better understand
Jesus and the kind of love he is describing and also help us to be better able to give to the people in our
lives.
A little bit of background on this. In the ancient world, the giving of gifts was very important, in some
ways maybe even more important than giving in our day. Anthropologists have studied this a lot over the
last century or so. Because of the way economics worked in the ancient world. They did not have a market
economy like we do with stores and weight structures the way we tend to do.
Generally, in the ancient world, gifts were given, but gifts were not free. They were embedded in a kind of
system that meant there were always strings attached to giving. Gifts placed the other person, the receiver,
under an obligation to reciprocate. This was just understood. It's how things worked. That meant the
person able to give the more expensive gift was the person of higher status or honor or power. That gift
would place the lower person, the poorer person under obligation.
The poorer person would have to give back through service or time or labor in some way, and this created
what sometimes is called a circle of reciprocity. Giving was about a circle of reciprocity. In Rome (this is
generally true in the ancient world), in Jesus' day, the giver might be a patron (they would often call them
a patron in Roman society) giving a gift, and the recipient or client would be obligated to show gratitude.
The Latin word for gratitude was obsequium. If you've ever heard the word obsequious, that kind of
fawning, servile submission, that's where it comes from.
Gratitude in that world didn't mainly mean, "Say, 'Thank you.'" It was not primarily an emotion. It meant
you were obligated to offer service in work or time or labor in exchange for what you would receive. You
literally owed a debt of gratitude. That was the system of debt in which everybody lived. In the morning,
if you were a client, you would present yourself at the house of your patron to pay your respects. You
would surround your patron with other clients as his entourage.
That's where the idea of entourage comes from. You would accompany him to the forum or the Roman
bath. You would clap for his speeches to make him feel good. You would address him as dominus, sir; or
rex, king; or pater, father. Those who gave the larger gift or the larger amounts of money were known as
benefactors. This is kind of a technical term. They gave quite intentionally to impose debts, to impose a
set of obligation of obedience that would increase their own honor or status or power.
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Leithart writes, "A patron expected his clients to form an entourage to blow trumpets and shout his praises
as the patrons passed through the streets of Rome." You would give your patron a little parade. "My
patron is the greatest." Gifts were exercises in power that established one's own superiority. They were
actually fairly competitive. Now have any of you ever heard of a white elephant gift? Some of you will
know the history of it.
That phrase comes from the stories. The king of Siam would give a white elephant (which is of course
incredibly rare and therefore regarded as a sacred gift) to a person who had fallen out of favor, to
somebody the king was mad at. Now if the king gives you a white elephant, you can't sell it. You can't
give it away. They're too rare. That would be known. That would be an insult to the king, so you have to
keep it. Do you know how much it costs to maintain an elephant? It would cost you a fortune.
People would be ruined by giving, by strategic giving. That's where the phrase "white elephant gifts"
comes from. Now there would be variations about this system and debates about it. Aristotle actually said,
"You ought to work real hard to avoid receiving anything," because the great-souled man never wants to
be in the position of receiving. Giving was largely a strategy to enrich yourself in order to get even more.
They had a motto in Latin, do ut des. "I give so you will give to me." Initially, people would say this to
the gods. "Jupiter, I give this sacrifice, this bull to you so that you will give me rain for my crops."
Eventually, it spread to the human level. "I give so that you will give." The idea is that in self-interest you
have received; in self-interest, give. There is this system of reciprocity, of debt, in the ancient world. The
debt of gratitude is restricted.
You should be grateful, express concrete gratitude to your benefactor. You should be grateful for the
benefits your benefactor has given you, and you should use whatever you have, whatever you give in
order to get more. This system of the debt of gratitude, the circle of reciprocity tended to oppress the poor,
tended to corrupt the rich, tended to make everybody quite self-centered.
Now one person is going to mess all of this up, and it's Jesus. He takes from little Israel and gives to the
broader world a different understanding of giving and gratitude. To begin with, he messes up the who.
Who should we be grateful to? In the Ancient World, it was to your benefactor, to the giver, but for Jesus,
it was God. Jesus teaches that for all of us, our life depends not on a human benefactor who gives out of
self-interest but on a heavenly Father who gives with no strings attached, very different from Jupiter or
Zeus or Baal or somebody.
Now God is at the center of the great circle of reciprocity. Jesus teaches people to give with this agape
love. Love as Jesus taught it is to will and work for the good of others. Give that way that you may be
children of your Father in heaven. "He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on
the righteous and the unrighteous." In other words, God gives to everybody, whether they're going to
give back to him or not.
We ought to be that way. What do we have to be grateful for? Now, according to Jesus, everything. Jesus
is expanding the sphere of gratitude infinitely. God is always making the sun shine. He's always making
the rain fall. He clothes the lilies of the field. He feeds the sparrows in their nest. He counts the hairs on
your head. This is the reality in which we live. This is the kingdom of God.
God, with every beat of your heart, with every breath of air filling up your lungs, God is giving all the
time. You have these statements from Jesus and his followers. "Therefore, because grateful in all
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circumstances, not just to your benefactor for what you get. Therefore, whatever you do in word or deed,
do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, giving thanks not to a human benefactor but to God the
Father through Jesus."
See, these constant calls were not just about having an attitude of gratitude. They were not mainly talking
about a psychological trait; although, of course that experience of an emotional gratitude is a great gift.
They were subversive. Now all of humanity is on a level ground. We're all to be grateful to a single
patron, our heavenly Father. We're to be grateful for every single innumerable gift. Because all of us rely
on God's goodness from one moment to the next, there is no place for the old, fawning, self-centered, selfpromoting system anymore.
Jesus says, "So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in
the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by others." Now the reason Jesus says, "Don't
announce it with trumpets," is people used to announce it with trumpets. They would literally do that.
Jesus is not just making this stuff up out of thin air. He's saying, "We're going to opt out of that system
now. We have a better system."
Jesus taught, "The kings of the Gentiles [like the Romans] lord it over them; and those who exercise
authority over them call themselves Benefactors." He uses precisely that title. "But you are not to be like
that. You are not to do that. Instead, for you, the least will be the greatest." Now when Jesus says this, he's
not using hyperbole. He's not being sarcastic. He's simply giving a sociologically precisely accurate
description.
The Romans would have heard those words and said, "Yep, that's how our system works. We lord it over
people. We have benefactors." Jesus said, "We're going to start a new system." "And do not call anyone
on earth 'father,' for you have one Father, and he is in heaven." Now when Jesus says, "Don't call
anyone on earth 'father,'" it doesn't mean kids shouldn't call their dad "dad." It means we all stand together
in common, humble humanity under a great and generous God. He's blowing everything up.
Who should be enriched by your gratitude? These are fundamental questions about giving and gratitude.
In the old ancient system, it was those who can pay you back. You give to people who can give back to
you. Jesus says, "Now I want you to give even when it's not to your financial advantage." In fact, Jesus
actually gives priority to gifts that would go to those who could not pay you back, and he knows he has to
overturn a big entrenched system. That's what is behind words like this from Jesus:
"When you give a luncheon or dinner, do not invite your friends, your brothers or sisters, your
relatives, or your rich neighbors; if you do, they may invite you back and so you will be repaid. But
when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed.
Although they cannot repay you, you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous."
Now is Jesus saying here it's a sin to have your relatives over for dinner? Yes, it's right there in the Bible.
That's what it says. Some of you have been searching for this verse your whole life long and are so glad
you came to church today. No! He's saying, "Okay, guys, we're going to opt out of this old give-to-get
system now." Of course, sometimes have your family over for dinner. Of course. He's saying that in fact,
when you give to the poor, you are somehow giving to God himself.
He says, "…whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me."
See, the old motto was, "In self-interest, you have received; in self-interest, give." The new motto of Jesus'
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agape love is, "Freely you have received; freely give." Who is this guy? He changed the world. Now God
is at the center of humanity. That humbles and levels us. Now we are all alike receivers of God's
unceasing gifts.
We concretely express our gratitude in ever-thickening networks of joyful generosity. This is
revolutionary. For example, James writes a letter that is in the New Testament, and he says, "Don't be
deceived, my dear brothers and sisters." He writes this because people were deceived. "Every good and
perfect gift…" Not from a human benefactor. "…is from above, coming down from the Father of the
heavenly lights…"
God is our patron. That's why James goes directly on. You read his letter to speak about the new way the
rich and poor must be treated in this new community. "My brothers and sisters, believers in our glorious
Lord Jesus Christ must not show favoritism." The apostle Paul writes the followers of Jesus in Rome of
all places words he designed to stagger Rome. Paul says, "Owe no debt to anyone except the debt to love
one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law."
Now Paul is not giving money-management tips here. He's not saying, "You can never take out a loan."
He is rejecting an entire way of life that oppresses and enslaves and humiliates and patronizes and
corrupts human beings and embracing a radically different way, the way of Jesus, where we all trust God
will meet our needs, so I become part of a community of mutual humility and confident generosity that
honors the value of every human self.
That put Rome on tilt, as Jesus knew it would. That's why, even though the New Testament is filled with
command after command to be grateful (if you've read it much, you know this), the Romans charged the
early Christians with ingratitude. They charged them with being ungrateful. There's a reason for that. The
emperor Diocletian found out one of his favorites, a man named Sebastian, had become a Christian, and
this is what he said. "Ingrate, I have given you first rank in my palace, and you have striven against me
and my gods." He tied Sebastian to a stake and shot him full of arrows.
Now why would he call him an ingrate? See, now you understand. It's because Sebastian broke the circle
of reciprocity that Rome and the Roman emperor was built on. In the emperor's way of thinking, "I gave
to you. I made you first. You owe it to me to worship my gods. You owe it to me to make me rich. You
owe it to me to pump up my ego. You owe it to me to do what I tell you to do." See Christians made their
gratitude extend as far as God, and they made their generosity extend to the poorest of the poor who were
unable to pay them back.
This is from Peter Leithart. "The emphasis on charity to the poor and the inclusion of God in the circle of
reciprocity were unprecedented in the ancient treatments of giving and generosity, and this changed our
world." I don't know how to put this any churchier way, so I'll just say it like this. If you still think of
agape love as this soft, gooey, romanticized, sentimental concept, know that it was not. It was an idea of
enormous substance, and it was an irresistible force.
It was taught and embodied by this man, Jesus of Nazareth. He intentionally formed a community around
it to test its strength, and that community, with absolutely no resources or power, was pitted against the
unprecedented wealth and might of the Roman Empire, and little agape kicked Rome's butt. I don't know
how to say that in a churchier way.
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I just want to ask at this point in the series, have you received God's greatest gift? God so loved the world,
he gave his only Son, and there has never been anyone (I just invite you to test this out) who has taught us
what God is like like Jesus. One of the most popular gifts in our day are gift cards, but they don't all get
used. Did anybody ever get a gift card ever for Christmas or a birthday or something? You know they
have a way of kind of lying around in drawers or getting thrown out, getting lost.
I just saw a study about this. If you don't mind, just for fun… You don't have to, but at all of our sites, if
you don't mind, turn to the person next to you right now, and take a guess how much money you think
there is in the world in unused gift cards. Just turn to the person real quick. How much money? If you put
all those gift cards together, how much cash do you think that would be worth? Okay. I just read this in a
study this last week. The correct total is $44 billion of unclaimed money just getting thrown out. In the
industry, they call those cards unredeemed.
See, God is in the redeeming business. God wants to give you the forgiveness of your sins through this
man Jesus…his life and his death on a cross and his resurrection. God wants to give you a fresh start in
your life. God wants to give you the power of his Spirit to guide you. God wants to give you the love of
brothers and sisters all around the world, every culture, every century, every civilization. God wants to
give you spiritual gifts to empower you and a purpose to sustain you and the hope of eternal life to
comfort you beyond death.
All that will just be lying in a drawer somewhere if you don't actually receive it. It's real simple. I just
confess, "Yep, I'm a sinner. God, I have sin, and I don't come before you as somebody who has any claim
on you, God. I don't have you in my debt. I'd be like way in yours, and I just receive your love and your
forgiveness and your friendship and your power as a free gift," and God will do that if you ask him.
Then, Jesus calls us to love. That's why we're here as a church. "A new command I give you: Love one
another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know…" The church
is the real deal. We're just about love. This week, if you love people, out of the abundance of God's
generous gifts to you, practice speaking the love language of giving gifts.
Just say, "This week, I will offer to God and people a giving heart." I'm going to do this. There is a little
switch in your heart where you can ask God to move you from reluctant giver to motivated giver. Last
Sunday morning, during the 11:00 service, my wife, Nancy, who was going to leave after that service to
be out of town for a few days, leaned over to me and said, "Can you walk the dog this afternoon?"
My immediate response honestly in my spirit was, "No, I don't want to walk the dog. This is a bad time to
ask. Right now, I have to get up and preach about the love of God. I have to try to explain to people that
agape is sacrificial and self-giving and so, and that's hard work. Later on tonight, I have our Life Group to
go to. I love those guys.
In between, this afternoon, somebody has already invited me to watch a playoff game, and I already said
yes, and it's a guy who goes to our church, so really it's kind of a ministry thing. He has big spiritual needs
and big prayer requests and big burdens and a big wide-screen TV. The dog ought to be able to walk
himself by now."
My wife loves that dog. I love my wife. I'm teaching this whole series about learning how to do that
better. Some of you might know this. The apostle Paul was talking once about the kind of attitude or heart
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God wants us to give with. Paul says to not give reluctantly, for God loves a cheerful giver. I'll tell you a
little secret. So does everybody else.
It's amazing how subtly but clearly my heart can communicate itself. I can say, "Okay, I'll walk the dog."
In other words, "You have successfully placed this burden on me. I will do it because I cannot think of a
smooth way out of it, but I will make my response in this moment unpleasant enough to make it less likely
that you'll ask me again next time." Am I the only person who ever does something like that? Does
anybody know what I'm talking about?
I could say, "I have a great wife. We have a great dog. Great dog and a great wife and a great life. I could
give a tiny little gift that would cost me almost nothing and communicates love." Because love gives and
giving wins. Giving heals. Giving bonds. Giving connects. Giving gives life. Giving is the best way to
live. I've been focused this week because of this message on giving, and I find it so interesting. Every time
I freely give, I think, "Why don't I do this more? It's just the best."
I love how giving gives life to the person who receives. You can do that. God has set the universe up so
you cannot authentically give without receiving. It changes the receiver, and it changes you. One of the
first times I ever came to the Bay Area, Nancy and I were having an anniversary. We lived in Southern
California at that time. We had very little money.
For the better part of a year, when money came in… I would do a wedding for a couple at the church, and
she would ask me, "Did the couple pay you?" We needed that money. I would just lie and say, "No." She
would say, "What's the matter with them? They're awful." I'd say, "Yeah, they are awful." I just set that
money aside. When it was our anniversary, she thought we were going to a meeting, but my folks picked
up our kids, and I took Nancy to the airport, and we flew from Ontario Airport to San Francisco, and we
stayed at a hotel on a hilltop in San Francisco.
When we had dinner, they brought out a salad, and inside a cherry tomato, there was a new wedding ring I
had bought with a diamond so big you could see it. Here's the deal. I got as much joy and fun and energy
from the months of planning that event as Nancy got from receiving. Giving is just that way. A lot of you
know this last fall, we learned about generosity. We had over a hundred people who took the tithe
challenge.
They agreed, "I'm going to take the first 10 percent of my income like the Bible talks about and give it to
God." Do that for 90 days. If it's not sustainable, we said we'll give your money back. It has been such a
cool journey. I've heard from so many people. One of the guys I talked to said, "The biggest surprise was
as I give more, I find I love God more. I knew my giving would grow; I didn't know my heart would
grow."
You know, that experiment remains available. Anybody who wants to do it, there is no time limit on that.
Any time you want to, if you haven't taken the tithe challenge, go online. Sign up for it. You try. By the
way, a lot of you know we take a special offering at Christmas that goes to support under-resourced
schools and housing and communities during Compassion Weekend.
Later on in the spring, we have this weekend where instead of worshipping God in services, we go out and
worship him by serving all around the Bay Area. This Christmas season, in addition to ongoing giving,
you all gave $413,000 to make that possible, which is an increase of 15 percent, so way to go. Jesus said,
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"It is more blessed to give than to receive," and that statement is as important for marriages, in families,
in relationships, and in work places as it is for financial stewardship.
Now, a gift doesn't have to cost anything. Sometimes they can just be fun. I have a friend who is great at
connecting constantly with people and just sending, "You would love this article," or, "You would like
this book." He'll text a funny cartoon that fits somebody's situation to them. He sent me a text last week
with a product that has to do with the aging process that I won't tell you about, but he said, "I saw this and
thought of you."
He has this weird sense of humor, but just getting a physical expression from somebody is a gift.
Somebody cares. Another thing you can do is be like a giving detective. Be on the lookout for clues about
what somebody in your life, where they speak the love language of giving, really cares about, and then
give it.
I know a person like that. If she's with somebody in a store and they like a certain scarf, or there's a piece
of music, and they say, "Boy, I like that music," or they say something about how much they love those
little dark chocolate peanut butter cups from Trader Joe's, then at Christmas or at a birthday or for no
reason at all, that scarf or that CD or those Trader Joe's chocolate peanut butter cups have a way of
showing up.
Again, this isn't bartering. You don't use a quality like this in someone to get stuff from them slyly. Just
because I mention how much I love dark chocolate peanut butter cups from Trader Joe's, I don't expect
anybody here to get me any of them, even though I suppose more than anything else in the world, I love
dark chocolate peanut butter cups and large tracks of real estate in Marin County. Those are the two
things…
Maybe there is somebody in your life, and God is calling you to do a week-long campaign of gifts, a gift
once a day. One of the most moving stories in Gary Chapman's book on the five love languages is about a
couple, Doug and Kate. Kate told Gary how for years, she had been complaining to Doug about how
empty their marriage was but felt nothing back. It reached the point where she actually hated him.
Then they found out about the five love languages, and Doug realized for the first time that receiving gifts
is his wife's love language, and that little switch got flipped in his heart. On Monday afternoon, he brought
home a rose, just a rose, and gave it to Kate, and she started to cry. Tuesday, he called home in the
afternoon and said, "How about if I bring a pizza home for you and the kids for dinner?" He had never
done that. She actually gave him a hug.
Wednesday, he brought all the kids home a box of Cracker Jacks. Does anybody remember Cracker
Jacks? That little prize in the box, the greatest thing in the world. And a potted plant for Kate. He said, "I
know that rose will die, and I thought you might want something that would stick around a while."
Thursday night, it was a card saying he had never been able to express love well but hoped this card
would help him do it, inviting her for a date on Saturday. Friday night, he took her to a cookie store for
their favorite cookie.
She said, "Dr. Chapman, you have to understand this man had never given me a flower since the day we
got married. He never gave me a card. He said, 'It's a waste of money. You look at it and throw it away.'"
Doug looked at his wife and said, "I'm sorry for all those years I was so dense. I'm sorry for all the years
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we lost. With God's help, I'm going to be a gift-giver for the rest of my life." She said, "You can't go on
like this every day. You can't afford it."
He said, "Maybe not every day, but I can do it once a week. That would be 52 gifts per year more than
you have received in the last five years put together." With God's help, a marriage got reborn because it's
all about love, and love gives. When I die, I would like it to be said at my funeral, "He tried to love
somebody." God so loved the world that he gave. You do that this week. Next week, we'll come back and
learn about a love language that can maybe change a relationship faster than any other. We're going to
pray right now. Would you bow your heads and close your eyes?
God, thank you so much that you are the great giver. We remember now every moment from when we
first were born, we got the gift of life and families and bodies and minds and friends and jobs and food
and clothes and music and sunrises and sunsets. Just gift after gift, God, you give all the time. Especially
for the gift of your Son, Jesus, we're so grateful. God, help us to be givers. There are people around us,
God, who are just waiting to be loved. Help us to try. Help us to have generous hearts and become
cheerful givers. We pray this in Jesus' name, amen.
Okay, so here's the thing. We haven't taken an offering yet. We were thinking this would be a great
weekend, as a way of remembering how good God is and that we want to have giving hearts, to give at the
end of the service. The folks receiving the offering are going to come in just a moment. Last November,
when we were talking about tithing and how we bring our tithes because that belongs to God, but then we
also give our offerings, we also did something one weekend where we just cheered for the offering.
We said, "We cheer for such goofy stuff in our world that every once in a while, it's worth it to cheer that
God is such a generous God and that we actually get to give to him." It would be a cool to be a church that
just cheers for that, so we're going to do that again today. Are you ready? Our God is such a generous
God, and he has given to us, to me and to you, all the time, and we get to be like him. We get to be
generous. We get to give. Now, would you bring your tithes and give your offerings to this great God?
Let's celebrate that we get to do that right now.
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