What advice would you give your best friend?
Most have us have known that
feeling when we’ve got a lot on our
plates; challenging targets, multiple
demands (often a combination of
work and home) and tight
deadlines.
Yet sometimes this just helps us
focus; makes us resourceful,
creative, efficient. We’re resilient in
the face of pressure.
Sometimes it does the opposite. We feel stuck; as if we’re going to fail at something (possibly
lots of things). The pressure overwhelms us.
The impact of Control, Choices and Competence – or lack of it
Reflecting on the experiences and wisdom of the Time to Think group, I asked myself what
they all had in common.
This is when those three Cs seemed significant. Pressure is a form of stimulation, which we
can use to help us, just as long as we think we have at least one (preferably two) of those
elements.
I think that unconsciously we ask ourselves:
Do I feel as if I’m control?
Do I think I have choices?
Do I believe I have the skills to complete the multiple demands being thrown at me?
Notice the role of our emotions, thoughts and beliefs
None of the answers to those questions have to be objectively true – you just have to
perceive it that way. Which is why one day you can cope with pressure and juggling with
calmness and clarity and the next day you might not.
©Mackie Consulting Limited
Office: (+44) 1442 506476
Web: www.mackieconsulting.com
What is stress?
Stress is a biological and psychological response to encountering a threat that we fear we
do not have the resources (control, choice, competence) to deal with. It’s important to
emphasise that we have a neurological and biological response; we feel stressed when our
amygdala perceives danger and triggers our survival reflexes (fight-flight-freeze).
This response leads to the release of cortisol and adrenalin to help us focus and meet the
threat. Too much cortisol or adrenalin and we end up shouting, crying or “playing dead”.
The playing dead piece is when we minimise or deny that we are under stress, thus causing
the release of even more of these stress hormones into our system.
Simple tips for dealing with a natural phenomenon
Just because these tips are “simple”, doesn’t mean they’re easy. I’m going to simplify
neuroscience a bit here, but broadly speaking all of these tips ask us to use the “newer” part
of our brain – the neocortex – to in effect calm down the “older” parts of our brain, including
the limbic system.
Tip #1 - Become ruthlessly aware
Just noticing how you are feeling is an important step in reducing stress. Why? Because the
ability to reflect on our feelings is what makes us human and what makes us human is the
processing power in our frontal cortex. As we use this “new” brain, it sends messages to the
limbic system which can calm it (us) down. The thing is we have to use language – so this is
where talking to ourselves – naming our situation – helps.
Tip #2 - Practice mindfulness
This will help you to generate awareness as well as notice patterns of thoughts and feelings
that might be getting in the way. There is an increasing amount of neurological evidence to
support what the Buddhists have believed for thousands of years; making the effort to stop
and pay attention to the inner dialogue in our heads and to assert control over that dialogue
will lower your blood pressure and reduce depressive and angry thoughts.
Tip #3 - Write it down
Even more effective than talking to ourselves, is to write down what we are thinking and
feeling. Our thoughts get mixed up with our feelings and the more stressed we are the more
our emotions sway our thoughts. Experiment with writing down the situation as you see it.
Just keep writing until you run out of steam. Now look at it. How do you see the problem?
Get creative – don’t feel you have to write if drawing does a better job for you.
Tip #4 - Ask the two questions that will silence your amygdala
1. Is it true?
2. How do you know?
©Mackie Consulting Limited
Office: (+44) 1442 506476
Web: www.mackieconsulting.com
Tip #5 Seek connection
From a neurological point of view, we need to balance the energy-out hormones – cortisol
and adrenalin – with the energy-in hormones of dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin. These
come from hugging and laughing with others, from being with people who care about us.
Stress can make us feel alone, as if we have to solve everything all by ourselves or cover up
what we see as our mistakes or failings. We can often prolong or deepen our stress by
avoiding others or seeking to numb our feelings with food, alcohol, drugs or television.
“We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions,
we also numb the positive emotions.”
― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection
Tip #6 Ask yourself what you’d tell your best friend
Warning! This is the killer tip – without this, the other tips might be difficult to successfully
implement.
Consciously ask yourself how you think things might change if you responded to yourself in
the same way you typically respond to a close friend when he or she is suffering?
Would you be critical or encouraging?
Would you condemn failure or encourage learning?
Would you reject them or accept them?
So let’s learn to be as kind to ourselves as we are to our best friends.
©Mackie Consulting Limited
Office: (+44) 1442 506476
Web: www.mackieconsulting.com