AMERICAN CREAM
script sample
by z. trebino
1
CHARACTERS
ROMEOJUGGALO
a juggalo
SELF-PROCLAIMED DIP QUEEN
a girl
BUTTCRACK
a cousin of ROMEOJUGGALO, a cousin of BUTT.
BUTT
a cousin of BUTTCRACK, sibling to ROMEOJUGGALO.
THE ANT
mother of ROMEOJUGGALO and BUTT
AMAZING DAUGHTER
a daughter
NICE DAD
a father-figure
‘LIL ROMEOJUGGALO
little ROMOEJUGGALO
TV ADVERTISEMENT
TV advertisement
PLACE
a small town.
TIME
the not-too distant future.
2
SCENE 10: I’M PREGNANT
(ROMEOJUGGALO is smoking a blunt. SELF-PROCLAIMED DIP QUEEN enters
and throws an at-home pregnancy test at him.)
SELF-PROCLAIMED DIP QUEEN
im pregnant n im goin 2 have a baby.
ROMEOJUGGALO
u r a fuckin dum ass wat r u thinkin?
u dont even have yr other kids think about wats best 4 yr life.
SELF-PROfCCLAIMED DIP QUEEN
itz my choice n if u dont lyke it then shut up n fuck off
ROMEOJUGGALO
thats no good.
yr 2 old 2 act lyke that.
think about the baby.
dont b selfish.
SELF-PROCLAIMED DIP QUEEN
how am i bein selfish i never did nethin 2 lose my kids they took them cuz my family woodnt help
watch them 4 6 days wen i was in jail n ill have u no i went 2 berkeley i am a published writer n this
is a blessin.
ROMEOJUGGALO
u lost yr kids cuz yr last baby tested positive 4 meth.
yr house was full of shit cats n lice.
yr kids hadnt gone 2 school 4 months n yr stepdad was bein investigated 4 child abuse.
dont u EVER blame it on ne1s fault other than yr own.
INTERLUDE 5: MAJOR MIKE’S MUD FLAPS
TV ADVERTISEMENT
and now a word from our sponsors: major mike’s mud flaps:
everyone likes mudding.
mudding is like sex:
you see the hole.
you think about it.
you slowly ease into it.
and once you’re in, it’s balls to the wall…
until your motor blows.
mudding:
go fuck the earth with your truck.
and feel safe noing that major mike’s mud flaps
3
will ease and protect your entry.
and now back to your favorite weekly game show: guess who’s coming!
PARENTHETICAL SCENE 7: RAN OUT OF DICK
(AMAZING DAUGHTER and BUTTCRACK are having an argument while fucking.
ROMEOJUGGAL watches, unnoticed.)
AMAZING DAUGHTER
let me just b reel rite quick:
if me n u r havin sex n i cant hear my shit sloshin than u not doin sumthin rite.
BUTTCRACK
but if u tell me 2 ‘go deeper’ n my pelvis is already touchin u
u just rude as hell.
u no good n well i dun ran outta dick.
SCENE 12: SO FUCKING BADASS
(SELF-PROCLAIMED DIP QUEEN is talking to a baby in a crib.)
SELF-PROCLAIMED DIP QUEEN
my lil gurl iz so fuckin bad ass yes she iz.
she only fuck wit dudes that been 2 time out
dudes that can count 2 100
dudes that dont sleep durin nap time
n dudes that fite 4 they joose box.
PARENTHETICAL SCENE 8: RECEDING HAIRLINE
(BUTTCRACK is down on one knee – jewelry box in hand. SELF-PROCLAIMED DIP
QUEEN watches.)
AMAZING DAUGHTER
im not gonna b the gurl u marry but ill b the gurl yool b thinkin bout 20 yeers from now wile u
engage wit polite sex wit yr borin wife hoo fakes her orgasm 2 make u feel betta bout yr receedin
hairline.
INTERLUDE 6: FUSSY HUSSY
TV ADVERTISEMENT
and now a message from your local chamber of commerce:
4
GRAND OPENING!
Fussy Hussy is the hippest new store in town – with all your favorite clothes fresh off the runway.
Fussy Hussy: the right choice for the Choosey Floozy.
without any further adieu, back to the new hit series: “wait: i was pregnant?”
PARENTHETICAL SCENE 9: I LOST MINE WHEN I WAS 13
(AMAZING DAUGHTER is in the shower. She can’t be seen. NICE DAD is passed out
on the floor. BUTTCRACK is going through her belongings. ROMEOJUGGALO watches,
unnoticed.)
AMAZING DAUGHTER
i find it funny evrytime u sleep wit a guy n he makes u moan he stops n ask “am i hurtin u?”
im just lyke no god dam it im not a fuckin virgin n yr not 10 inches lets get a move on.
i mean if u havent lost yr virginity by 14 yr a fuckin loser.
kill yrself no offense.
BUTTCRACK
i lost mine wen i was 12 guess i was juss machore 4 my age.
AMAZING DAUGHTER
i lost mine wen i was 13 last yr.
(AMAZING DAUGHTER comes out of the shower and begins to get dressed.)
BUTTCRACK
yr sexy.
AMAZING DAUGHTER
thanks.
BUTTCRACK
wanna smoke sum weed just got a kush n sum wicked kron?
AMAZING DAUGHTER
not 2day.
goin 2 go 2 church in a minute.
tomorrow tho.
SCENE 13: I NEVER HAD A PROBLEM WITH WHAT SHE DID
(ROMEOJUGGALO, NICE DAD, BUTT, THE ANT and BUTTCRACK are passing
around two bottles of malt liquor.)
5
ROMEOJUGGALO
u no wat ive realized?
alotta the people that hate her bcuz a wat they think she is
n havent even gotten time 2 talk 2 her.
yes weve had r fites but since weve actually talked she reelly not that bad.
people go offa wat they think they no bout her
n sum of the stuff u can even tell iznt true just by lissinin 2 it
none of u give her the benifit of the dowt im just glad that shes gettin her life str8 n that shes workin
on becomin a better person n the fact that shes tryin 2 b a better person means most a u assholes
need 2 stop wit the rood ass shit.
NICE DAD
i never had a problem wit wat i thawt she “did”
the fact that she sed she will “kill” is y i cant stand her
BUTTCRACK
well i hope things get better 4 her maybe shes just misunderstood
BUTT
the reason i dont lyke her 2 much was bcuz people complained bout her so much
n always wanted 2 fite her.
i didnt have beef wit her.
i was gettin annoyed about all this drama she had.
THE ANT
she called me a dirty fat tranny so i cant ever respect her
BUTT
but lyke hoo says they will hurt a 2 yr old itz fucked up.
BUTTCRACK
how can u defend her?
yood have 2 b a complete idiot 2.
shes the most fucked up person ever n constantly runs her mouth n picks fites
then hides n trys 2 sneek peepull.
lyke she started shit with u n u n u
n she fuckin tryed runnin over u n woodnt even get outta the car 2 fite u.
then she hide from them all then throws a lawn ordiment thru yr window n drove off lyke a bitch.
she has no morals no selfrespect
she always looks down on every1 n calls them names that SHE IS
u can say imma hater n i havent given her a chance but i have
so fuck this bitch
if ne1 wants 2 defend her go ahead do it
try sayin theres a little bit of good in that cunt their iznt shell fuck every1 over 1day
n shes not even worth ne1s time all shell do is drag peepull down n pull them in2 shit
or give them a disease n i dont care about the hate i get back sorry im not fooled by her.
6
INTERLUDE 7: TAXIDERMIED TREASURE
TV ADVERTISEMENT
we now bring you a message from tiny tim’s taxidermied treasures:
“waddup klowns? weneva yall r lookin 4 a tasty peece a taxidermy u no u cant do no betta than
cummin down to tiny tim’s taxidermied treasures. we got all dem big game animals that b gettin
killed out in the world and we got them spruced up jus rite 4 u. no joke we str8 steady movin lions,
elephants, jiraffes, octopuses, hippopotomatamusses, n ne otha crazy-ass wild-ass thing that ne 1
mite b able to kill. we even name the aminals 4 u so u dont hafta think bout it – cecil, carl,
alexander, oscar… juss 2 name a few. so cum check us out. we got a speshull rite now on lion’s
manes n armadillo nipples n sloth cocks so u no u dont wanna b missin out on this shit. plus, as
always, raccoon eyes r buy 1 get 1 free.”
and now, with no further adieu, we return to the re-broadcast of the made for TV movie ‘fish girl:
the true story of that bitch who was a mermaid but only on the top.”
SCENE 14: A JUGGALO OR A JUGGAHOE
(ROMEOJUGGALO is addressing two homemade sex dolls.)
ROMEOJUGGALO
but 4 reel NOBODY can tell sum1 if they r a juggalo or a juggahoe (unless lyke they pretend they r
down n then talk shit about the fam or sumthin lyke that then yeah u can tell they a juggaHOE) but
if sum1 TRUELY believes they r down n reelly in2 psychopathic records NO1 else has the rite 2 tell
them they a juggahoe thats just STR8 bullshit 4 no reason suck on my nuggabone bitch boys ima
squirt my titty on a hater lyke my big bro wicked cyanide with his wife PHREAK DOLL n lyke my
fuckin mane boy homeless DAVE but only in bigass dan’s granma’s basement after bout 20 faygo
bombs!
SCENE 15: I CAN’T STAND HIM
(SELF-PROCLAIMED DIP QUEEN and THE ANT are wearing paper birthday hats
and drinking boxed wine. ROMEOJUGGALO enters carrying a child’s birthday cake. He
pauses to listen, unnoticed at first.)
SELF-PROCLAIMED DIP QUEEN
let me rant 4 10 minutes bout how i cant stand n ugly fake ass dude hoo talks shit about me n the
kid bcuz we did do everythin 2gether wen we 1st got 2gether, wen i was pregnant n after i had the
kid but u go n fuck yr cuzzins ex fiancé move outta state 2 live with her stop talkin 2 the kid n me n
ignore all his texts n tell evry1 yr busy n basically have no time 4 them cause yr a family man but it
was a problem wen it was me n the kid MUTHAFUCKA her oldest son is YR AGE she can b yr
freakin mutha go fuck yrself PEACE oh n should i throw in he mite a gotten this pregnant on his
last visit so good luck bcuz hes gonna need it.
7
THE ANT
he even went as far as disownin me all 4 that hore! his own mutha! but it is alrite i can just imagine
wat he told her bout me
SELF-PROCLAIMED DIP QUEEN
i cant stand him
THE ANT
he is my son n no matter wat i luv him but i dont agree wit wat hes dun.
(ROMEOJUGGALO pelts SELF-PROCLAIMED DIP QUEEN with the birthday
cake.)
ROMEOJUGGALO
COUGHCOUGHCOUGH
bitch fuck outta here sorry if sum peepull actually have there life 2gether get a life stop worryin bout
others u have no clue wat u r even talkin about ho get a life yr so fuckedup in the head n stop talkin
2 my mom get outta my business n keep walkin u have no business in my life sorry if i work 60
hours a week moved out the house n no 1 sed nethin bout bein pregnant please bitch i dont need
nebody in my life u r the most annoyin alcoholic bitch i ever met SWERVE i dont care hoo u r u r
just another ho thank u u always have 2 start little shit that yr not even included in my life thats great
so just fuck outta here yr just lost in yr little head go do sumthin with yr life 4 once grow the fuck
up.
SELF-PROCLAIMED DIP QUEEN
im a alcoholic? OK. comin from the 1 hoo texted the kid all the time bout drinkin n gettin high.
the only choice u had was 2 get a job n get a life bcuz the kid needed u. lyke he always sed u never
could just cum over n chill all u wanted 2 do was get weed so u could get the fuck outta here. yr not
even my frend neway so y the fuck r u talkin 2 me BYEEEEE!
PARENTHETICAL SCENE 11: I EVEN PISSED ON YOU
(BUTTCRACK is down on one knee – jewelry box in hand. SELF-PROCLAIMED DIP
QUEEN is watching, unnoticed.)
AMAZING DAUGHTER
fact: i faked evry orgasm i eva had wit u.
i even pissed on u n pretended 2 squirt 2 get u offa me.
SCENE 16: LEAVING THE WRONG BEHIND
(It’s just past midnight on New Year’s Eve. SELF-PROCLAIMED DIP QUEEN is
beyond inebriated.)
SELF-PROCLAIMED DIP QUEEN
doin issh rite this yr, n leavin the rong behind me…
8
he lookin 4 a new ring 2 wife me back up n imma see wat itz talkin bout…
he annoy the fuck outtame but wen issss sed n done his luv 4 me is unmashed
he do me rite n imma finna do me rite 2!
finnalee try this school isshhh again n start savin 4 the move…
cuzzz aint sshhhiiiiit outhere 4 me…
imma highclass bitch livin round bum muthafuckaz aint no up from there just SETTLEMENT
n i aint goin no loyalty n 2 much drama
mah fam mah man mah dog n me is all i got
immm ready 4 it all doe.
INTERLUDE 8: A SMART PHONE MICROWAVED
TV ADVERTISEMENT
the following is a PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT,
paid for by the lithium battery corporation of america:
“did you know that a smart phone microwaved for just one minute will fully charge the battery? in
2015 apple started a smear campaign to discourage customers from using this method to charge
phones as it would affect charger sales. scientific studies show that charging a phone this way is
actually better for the phone’s battery life as the electrical current found in wall outlets can fluctuate
and damage the battery cell. the more you know!”
and now back to the sporting event of the century: the wing bowl!
PARENTHETICAL SCENE 12: YOU’RE NOW MY DAUGHTER
(NICE DAD is incredibly drunk and dressed in a disheveled tuxedo. He’s talking to
AMAZING DAUGHTER as she’s fast asleep. SELF-PROCLAIMED DIP QUEEN
watches, unnoticed.)
NICE DAD
this lil gurl rite here is my heart evry1 betta back the fuck off a her im playin no fuckin games wen it
cum 2 missy rite here so wit that ben sed i luv the fuck outta her all i want is 4 u 2 do sumthing wit
urself n 4 me 2 b proud of u no that stop wit the fuckery n get on yr shit people who u think r yr
frends r not skool work home hiskool college home job home thass yr goles dont 4get that no body
got u like i got u no that i luv u baby an im proud 2 say yr now my dawter
SCENE 17: I WILL BE STARTING A BAIL FUND
(SELF-PROCLAIMED DIP QUEEN is livid. She addresses the audience.)
SELF-PROCLAIMED DIP QUEEN
i will b startin a fund 4 bale money.
please donate if u can as im pretty certain ill b goin 2 jail 2day.
9
my son got broosed ribs from his step brother (his dads wifes son)
n the cops aint doin nothin so im goin 2.
they sed family cort wont do nethin 2 a 2 yr old 4 beatin the shit outta a 4 yr old kid
so itz a waster of time.
itz up 2 me 2 beet him good 4 it.
SCENE 18: DARE ME TO DRIVE?
(ROMEOJUGGALO stumbles in drunk. He addresses his homemade sex dolls.)
ROMEOJUGGALO
hey slim i drank a 5th of vodka, dare me 2 drive?
(stan in my eminem voice)
…yeah i just did that shit n i am happy 2 say i made it home safe
after takin a 5th a goose 2 the dome!
hope the world had a happy n safe new yr cuz i no i did thanks 2 a handfulla peepull…
…if i was sober enuff 2 thank u all i wood but i am not so i wont but u no hoo u r…
much luv 2 every1 n i hope the next year brings out the best in us all!!!
SCENE 19: I LUV SOGGY DICKS
(NICE DAD and BUTTCRACK are in a holding cell. SELF-PROCLAIMED QUEEN
encounters ROMEO JUGGALO, BUTT, and THE ANT as she leaves the holding cell area.)
SELF-PROCLAIMED DIP QUEEN
i luv u guys i cant believe this is all so reel u guys need 2 srsly keep yr heads yr in my preyers my
thawts evry 2nd of the day! i dont care wat neone says about nethin i no hoo u guys r deep down us
3 have been thru a lot over the yrs n u guys always stuck by my side n i am goin 2 do the same 4 u
no matta wat n im goin 2 b here keep yr head up.
ROMEOJUGGALO
yr supportin 2 dudes that shot up a car with a baby in it n possibly killed a man?
THE ANT
wen has it been yr place 2 judge ne1? maybe u betta take a step back n possbly think bout removin
that snobby think-i-better-than-every1 head of yrs from yr ass if u have nothin nice 2 say then stop
talkin bcuz it odveeusslee dont concern u.
SELF-PROCLAIMED DIP QUEEN
thats rite!
BUTT
my best frends lil brother is basically a vegetable bcuz of these 2 boys
SELF-PROCLAIMED DIP QUEEN
10
maybe u should check his so called ‘gurlfrend’
she started this by tryin 2 jump me n she continued 2 want 2 drag this on.
ROMEOJUGGALO
so bcuz she wanted 2 fite u yr lil frends shot up there car WITH HER BABY IN IT.
SELF-PROCLAIMED DIP QUEEN
no 1 new that. maybe they shoulda been grown up parents n went home with the baby instead a
chase people cuz of wat? im so over all yr rude ass comments y cant u just keep opinions 2 yrself
they have families n hurt frends 2.
ROMEOJUGGALO
bcuz fuck them!
they lost all rites 2 simpithy once that trigger was pulled
i woodnt accept u 2 have good judgement neway
THE ANT
im startin 2 wonder if u was involved in sum way 2…
ROMEOJUGGALO
WOW REELLY?
u were in on it!!!
then u should b sittin in jail with them
i seriously cant believe u!
SELF-PROCLAIMED DIP QUEEN
has every1 4gotten that WE R ALL HUMAN.
u all lack empathy 4 the HUMAN condishun.
PEOPLE MAKE MISTAKES.
sum of them r fuckin horrific 2 but every1 needs sum1
n if i have the balls 2 stand up n have there backs even wen they fucked up then props 2 me –
closest thing 2 uncundishinall luv ive seen in a wile.
i got nothin but good vibes 4 every1 – victim or not.
ROMEOJUGGALO
“mistake!”…
puttin 2 much sugar in a cookie recipe is a “mistake”
no simpithy 4 these monsters is deserved.
SELF-PROCLAIMED DIP QUEEN
okay then have fun livin yr life fulla hatred n resentment itz yr loss not mine.
ROMEOJUGGALO
have fun bein a simple idiot hoo supports murderers n lacks good judgement.
just chalk it up 2 another mistake rite?
SELF-PROCLAIMED DIP QUEEN
u cant fix violence n hatred wit more hatred n ignorance
11
so if showin luv makes me n idiot then I AM A FUCKIN RETARD
ROMEOJUGGALO
at least u admit it.
yr opinions r about as useful as a sock fulla soggy dicks.
SELF-PROCLAIMED DIP QUEEN
mmmm...
i luv soggy dicks.
can i keep the sock 2?
INTERLUDE 9: TV WANTS YOU DEAD
TV ADVERTISEMENT
this a paid advertisement from our sponsor TV Wants You Dead.
“TV WANTS YOU DEAD. TV WANTS YOU DEAD.”
and now back to the nightly news, featuring the award-winning news team of harold havoc, alison
avalanche, and, of course, brass knuckles the dog!
PARENTHETICAL SCENE 13: THE WAY MY ASS CLAPS
(AMAZING DAUGTER is dry humping one of her stuffed animals. ROMEOJUGGALO
watches, unnoticed.)
AMAZING DAUGHTER
so i guess i lyke 2 ride now
the way my ass clap wit hands holdin my waist
yep!
then it slip out wen i squirt
then i sit bak on it then squirt again
then bounce on the tip
wiggle ma ass then sit back on it n bounce bounce bounce
im 2 much
but i gave 2 fucks
it goes down wit my babe
SCENE 20: ORANGE JUMPSUIT
(SELF-PROCLAIMED DIP QUEEN is talking to THE ANT.)
SELF-PROCLAIMED DIP QUEEN
after 5 months without seein him
12
i got 2 see my hunnie bare 2day at cort.
i dont no wat it was but he looked sexy as hell in that orunge jumpsoot.
PARENTHETICAL SCENE 14: LITTLE GAY SECRETS
(THE ANT is livid. She’s hollering at NICE DAD. ‘LIL ROMOEJUGGALO is eating
spaghetti-o’s. SELF-PROCLAIMED DIP QUEEN watches, unnoticed.)
THE ANT
lemme tell yr fuckin ass sumthin u r a fuckin hater u juss mad cuz i got tired a yr red ass n tha lame
dick u got the only thing u was good for was lickin my asshole n takin out the trash yeah tell the
world how yr tongue was juss slobbin my asshole down fuckin dum ass bitch! u r fuckin dun n them
ugly hos u was wit last nite looks just lyke trailer trash wit no ass! u will neva n i mean neva find
anotha fine model ass lyke me i cant believe i was wit u this long fuckin ugly ass frecklefrogface! oh
by the way dont 4get 2 floss that shit from in between yr teeth! n so wat if i got 2 kids bitch they are
well taken care of n u dam rite if u gon b lickin my ass every 2nd of the day u gone do 4 me n them
with yr stupid ass!
(THE ANT gestures to ‘LIL ROMEO.)
THE ANT
should i tell him bout yr lil gay secrets 2, faggot?
SCENE 21: SNACK PACK
(SELF-PROCLAIMED DIP QUEEN and ROMEOJUGGALO are naked and eating
doritos. They’re suffering from the post-coital body high.)
SELF-PROCLAIMED DIP QUEEN
it must b luv if wen yr playin wit my fat roll u tell me yr- goin 2 staple sed roll to create a pouch
outta it so u can have a place 2 hide yr snack packs n i dont smack u immediately.
(THE ANT appears and watches them. SELF-PROCLAIMED DIP QUEEN sees THE
ANT.)
SELF-PROCLAIMED DIP QUEEN
WHAT.
THE.
FUCK.
INTERLUDE 10: REAL MEN DON’T WEAR PINK
TV ADVERTISEMENT
13
this is a PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT brought to you by wicked cyanide:
“reel men don’t wear pink; they eat it.”
this PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT has concluded.
we now return to your regularly scheduled programming.
PARENTHETICAL SCENE 15: YOUR MAN IS BUYING ME VICTORIA SECRET
(AMAZING DAUGHTER is tearing a doll apart. SELF-PROCLAIMED DIP
QUEEN WATCHES.)
AMAZING DAUGHTER
u dont get it do u?
ugly bitch!
yr man cheated on u wit me n u think yr better?
bitch check yrself before callin yrself the wife n me the side ho.
yr man is buyin ME victoria secret tie food grey goose n its commin outta both yalls bank.
trust me i dont want him.
i lyke wat him n i have.
n that is yr money.
BITCH!
u think u badder bcuz evry dude aint had u.
but my pussy so clean he can go to church in it.
this pussy is a privalige mothafucka.
SCENE 22: GUESS WHO’S BECOMING A DAD
(ROMEOJUGGALO and BUTTCRACK are smoking a blunt.)
ROMEOJUGGALO
wish i didnt get her preggo…
guess hoos becomin a dad
BUTTCRACK
maybe if yr earlier wish hadnt come true
ROMEOJUGGALO
finalee got 2 plow 1 n it went horriby rong
BUTTCRACK
maybe this could change yr life 4 the betta.
ROMEOJUGGALO
that bitch was crazy. i was bout 2 pull out then she bare hugs me n sed u aint goin no ware.
14
she started laughin lyke n evil rat or sum shit n started talkin in rhymes lyke a troll.
BUTTCRACK
musta been 1 fat fuckin cow if u couldnt brake outta a bare hug from a gurl then yr the gurl
ROMEOJUGGALO
never doin cowgurl again wit a 300 pound bitch
(BUTTCRACK goes digging in his backpack for something; he surprises himself by pulling a burger out of
his bag.)
BUTTCRACK
oh shit! this burger is lyke 3 days old.
but i eat 19 yr old pussy so i shood b fine rite?
PARENTHETICAL SCENE 16: CAN YOU TEACH YOUR MOM THEN?
(AMAZING DAUGHTER is sitting at NICE DAD’s feet. He is brushing her hair.
SELF-PROCLAIMED DIP QUEEN watches, unnoticed.)
AMAZING DAUGHTER
got told last nite by 2 different guys that i give the best blowwies ever!
im so proud.
NICE DAD
can u teach yr mum then?
INTERLUDE 11: SACRED LIFE FOUNDATION
TV ADVERTISEMENT
and now a PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
paid for by the sacred life foundation:
“i’m 12 weeks pregnant and i feel like i’m way too big already. my husband and i experimented with
my horse one drunken night around when i conceived.
is it possible i’m actually carrying a horse baby?
i’m so scared to get an ultrasound and them make me abort if it is a horse baby.
i’m pro life 100% even if it is a horse.
there’s no excuse for an abortion. all life is sacred.”
and now we bring you back to the 17th annual telethon for the gathering of the juggalos.
SCENE 23: ARE YOU DOWN WITH THE CLOWN?
15
(ROMEOJUGGALO is loading a water pistol with the fervor of a mass murderer. He continues
to attempt to fill the pistol even once it has reached capacity. Water pools at his feet.)
ROMEOJUGGALO
we may paint r faces we may fuck around
but pussy-ass bitches here wont b found
my homies stand behind me all the way
my true family n forever well stay
dont fuck with me cuz they got my back
ware do yr frends go wen they no u cant hack?
do they stay there n help? fuck no they run
back 2 their mommies while we have r fun.
my juggalo family we dont fuck around.
SCENE 25: MAYBE DO SOME LOITERING
(Everyone is passed out drunk. BUTTCRACK is trying to rally the troops.)
BUTTCRACK
i mite poke a hole in the condom 4 the next broad i screw.
just bcuz im a asshole n havent seen a gurl cry in a reelly long time.
hey.
HEY!
HEY!
any1 wanna go drive round n commit some crimes wit me?
well start it off small n work r way up the latter.
maybe do sum loyterin n litterin
n then well do sum molotov cocktale n grenade throwin at police later in the nite.
wat do u say?
come on!
wat do u say?
COME ON!
WAT DO U SAY?
SCENE 24: FUCKING KID’S A BIRD
(ROMEOJUGGALO is aggressively wrestling with one of his homemade sex dolls.)
ROMEOJUGGALO
…fuckin kids a bird thinks hes better than me just bcuz he has a job.
yo u no yr sister n law is a slut.
shes had 4 guys this month sex wise n how manny did she tell she has herpes
NONE
bcuz she doesnt believe i actually have it even tho i told her
16
run yr mouth all u want at least i am not unrespsonsible lyke her
n if i was her id b prayin i didnt have sex wit sum1 n not tell them hopin they didnt catch it
so i dont end up in jail n loosin my daughter which she probbly will
bcuz her fone n textin other guys is so much more important than her own dawter.
the gurl is so undadeveloped bcuz she doesnt pay her enuff attenshun shes always on her fone.
1 a the reasons we fite so much.
(ROMEOJUGGALO starts to violently beat his homemade sex doll.)
ROMEOJUGGALO
if it wasnt 4 me teachin the gurl how 2 say mommy
by pushin her around in a shoppin cart 4 a coupla hours
sayin mommy n momma over n over n over again
it was me hoo taught the kid 2 walk by lettin her grab my pant leg n walk around her apartment.
wat the fuck does the kid no other than walkin n mommy…
kid nose fuck all
itz time 2 set yr guys n there dicks a side n yr fone n pay attenshun 2 the gurl.
PARENTHETICAL SCENE 17: DEFINITELY NOT A SNITCH
(NICE DAD is bruised and bloodied. THE ANT is tending to his wounds. SELFPROCLAIMED DIP QUEEN watches, unnoticed.)
THE ANT
yr needin sumbody so hard wen nobody trusts u yet i was the 1 that lost evrythin n am bein charged
at a later date u can only warn sum1 so manny times n if they dont get it well then own the fuck up
the feds got me2 sorry not sorry i stayed outta ur hussel n minded mine ill still be doin 6 yrs beleev
that i aint never a snitch 3 hots n a cot 4 me fuck it aint got shit else they took my money n evry
posseshun besides what i can pack in 3 minutes!
NICE DAD
was the kid there?
last i heard u was alone – just lyke wen the feds was textin u offa my fone
n u told em sum shit u shoodnt never even told god.
THE ANT
odveeusslee they were watchin us long enuff 2 no the kid wasnt there on a weekday.
the feds never had ur fone.
i think yr talkin bout the time the 16 u.s. marshals raided moms house lookin 4 u.
i never no yr ware abouts unless its county jail.
NICE DAD
thank god i dont need a snitch noin ware im at.
THE ANT
17
i am defnitly not a snitch!
no point if yr already goin down.
NICE DAD
yool narc on sum1 or set a dude up aint bout 2 b me tho.
(NICE DAD paws at THE ANT. He pulls her top down. She goes with it.)
THE ANT
maybe ill 4give u sum if yr broke ass wood come see the kid n b a nice daddy.
(THE ANT swats NICE DAD’s hand away and pulls her shirt up.)
THE ANT
but nevermind cuz when i asked him if he wanted 2 see u he said no that actually upset me
NICE DAD
rite.
but u the attic that signed rites over n reelly bitch i dont even live wit u.
talkin bout bein a daddy…
u need 2 wake up n take the dicks outta yr mouth ass n pussy n realize how retarted u sound.
THE ANT
u a dum ass bitch.
aint shit about shit or worth shit what happen 2 u peepull handlin there business now u no hos r
kwik to pick up their cells thats glued to there hands neway cuz they have a pathetic life n call the
cops n cops just BALL UP CUNTS
we ok tho rite?
u no hoo u r.
SCENE 26: PAMPERS FOR MAXI PADS
(BUTT and THE ANT are cavorting.)
BUTT
this is just sum of the triflin shit this bitch left my granmas house yup she was wearin her dawters
pampers 4 maxi pads SUCH A SHAME u can smell the bitch a mile away wat man want yr funky
dirty nasty ass i dont no 1 sorry ass woman she is n wearin my cuzins boxers cuz she dont have ne!
(SELF-PROCLAIMED DIP QUEEN comes in, carrying a baby and wearing a pair of men’s
boxers.)
18