THE PREVENTION PLAN
David B. Wexler, Ph.D.
Relationship Training Institute
www.RTIprojects.org
I find it very valuable, to help prep people for what we call the Prevention Plan, to use the
story of Odysseus as a parable about personal maturity and relational heroism. Not the
whole story, of course, for reasons of time management, but one particular episode from
Odysseus’s long journey homeward after fighting the Trojan War. After his success as a
warrior in the Iliad, Odysseus spends ten years making his odyssey navigating his ship
through troubled waters, enduring hardship and adventure. In this classic Greek tale of
man’s search for self-discovery, Homer’s Odyssey, each challenge makes Odysseus stronger
and wiser, fostering his development as an evolved and mature man. He is forced to
develop as a psychological hero after his many years as a physical hero in the Trojan War.
Odysseus and his men encounter the sorceress Circe, a female creature with enticing and
evil powers. She has the power to cast a spell over any man. She welcomes Odysseus’s men
and offers them wild pleasures, then turns them into swine. However, she takes a liking to
Odysseus and spends a year frolicking with him on her island. When they finally realize
that it is time for him to resume his journey, she offers him a gift. This is a gift of knowledge
that will save the lives of Odysseus and his men. She warns him of the next island that he
will encounter, the island of the Sirens.
Like Circe, the Sirens are capable of enticing men. The sound of the Sirens’ music is so
alluring to men that they can never resist heading toward the source. The Sirens, however,
with bodies of birds and heads of women, tear apart any men who succumb to the sounds.
Odysseus and his men would be prime candidates to succumb to the Sirens, except that
Circe has warned Odysseus. As they approach the island of the Sirens, he orders all of his
men to plug their ears with beeswax so they cannot hear the sounds. Odysseus, however,
the ambitious seeker, wants it all. He insists on hearing the Sirens himself, so he does not
put wax in his own ears, but he demands that his crew tie him to the mast of the ship so
that he cannot yield to the seduction. He cautions his men not to release him under any
circumstances, no matter how desperately he pleads, cries, or threatens. Thus prepared,
Odysseus and his men continue successfully on their epic journey. His men note his
writhing attempts to become free (although they cannot hear his words) but, following
orders, continue to row until they are out of range of the Sirens. In despair, the Sirens kill
themselves—proving that if you do not succumb to destructive temptations, they wither
away.
The moral of the story: If you are aware of what temptations or struggles lie ahead, you can
transform them, or at least meet them head-on. If you have no context or understanding,
then you are doomed to simply react: Be a hero, like Odysseus. Get conscious. Prepare
yourself for situations that you know may seduce you into destructive behaviors, and come up
with a plan to handle them differently. If you know that hearing your kids arguing makes you
start criticizing your wife, come up with a plan to prepare for this so you do not go there.
One man who used the Prevention Plan had been very violent on several occasions with his
wife, always under the influence of alcohol. He was extremely ashamed and remorseful
about some of the profoundly damaging things he had done, but his marriage was still
intact. He was really desperately working on it and staying clean and sober. He had two
daughters, age four and age six, and he had tattoos put on both arms on the top of his
forearm--one for each daughter.
When he found himself starting to escalate in anger towards his wife that could have
escalated into actual violence, he flipped his arms and observed the tattoos and said to
himself, “This is a reminder to me how I cannot afford to go off. I cannot afford to lose it.
Look at how much I have at stake!”
That is an Odysseus plan. It’s like the beeswax in the ears and being tied down to the mast.
He figured out in advance something he knew would help him stay on track.
IMPLEMENTING The PREVENTION PLAN
The first step is actually down at the bottom.
First you figure out the behavior that you do not want to do anymore. So, for my friend with
the tattoos on the arm, the behavior that he wants to try to manage is “beating up my wife.”
He wants to make sure that he NEVER does that again, no matter what the circumstances of
perceived provocation.
Then, at the top, he has to figure out what would be the cue or trigger red flag, what might
put him in a zone where he will be really tempted to go of like that. For him, it had to do
with jealousy and seeing his wife interacting with other men.
Then we move on to figuring out several different emergency strategies and interventions.
The first we call the SCARE YOURSELF. Picture the worst thing that is going to happen if
you blow up. In treatment groups for domestic violence (I have never done a study with
this, but I have probably done this exercise with several thousand men), the number one
“scare yourself” image for most men is this: I never want to be behind those bars again with
those scum bags again.
The second most common “scare yourself” image for most men has actually surprised me
over the years. It has to do with kids: either losing kids or even something like this: I never
want to see that look on my kid’s faces again them being ashamed or scared of their daddy.
And of course sometimes it has to do with their partner: I never want to see her scared of me
like that. I don’t want to lose her.
The second tool or intervention is the SELF-TALK: something you can say to yourself at
those crisis moments that is going to keep you on track: I cannot afford to do this or It’s not
worth it or I know she didn’t really mean what she just said. Something that you can put into
your consciousness that will lower the arousal level just enough that you don’t do
something horrible and irrevocable. This does not mean something that would put a smile
on your face--because almost by definition these situations will not allow for that.
Another strategy is FUN AND DISTRACTION, which just means doing something to distract
yourself from the intensity of the anger and rage.. This could be playing a video game or
listening to music or working out or just taking a nap.
The final strategy, when possible is called the FRIEND OR ALLY: somebody who you can
call or text or go hang with. The best friend or ally is someone who will help center you—
could be your best friend, your mother, your sponsor, your minister, etc. Obviously that
person is not always available—but the SCARE YOURSELF image and the SELF-TALK are
always available. Those take about 0.5 seconds to activate and they are completely internal.
The other ones are behaviors which you may or may not have access to at that time, but
that is still part of the overall prevention package.
In generating the Prevention Plan, there are three principles to keep in mind:
1. Be very specific about problem behavior:
GENERAL
Losing my temper
Blowing it
SPECIFIC (Much better)
Pushing my son
Yelling at my co-worker
2. Be very specific about trigger behavior:
GENERAL
Feeling disrespected
SPECIFIC (Much better)
When my wife puts me down
for not making enough money
3. Use input from other people who care about you to help put together your Prevention
Plan!
The PREVENTION PLAN
Purpose: To prepare you for future situations when you might be tempted to behave
destructively to yourself and/or others.
Cue or Trigger (What could set you off?):
Coping Strategies:
1. SCARE YOURSELF IMAGE--Example: Remember the damage to people you love,
remember the consequences when you have made mistakes in the past, etc. What scary
image would have an impact on you?
2. SELF-TALK--Example: "This isn't worth it," "Nobody's perfect," "I want to keep my life
together." What would that be for you?
3. RELAXATION/DISTRACTION--Example: Deep breathing, Listening to music, Playing
basketball, etc. What would work for you?
4. FRIENDS/ALLIES--Example: Call a friend, crisis line, therapist, sponsor, or family
member. Who would that be for you?
Behavior I Do NOT Want To Do (be specific):
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________