Nothing Bad Happens to Her
A Play with Music by Ryan Oliveira
ii.
CHARACTERS
LUCY
Female, Latina, 16. Short for Lucia.
Whip-smart, raised right, a poster child for a
bright future. (Even if that poster's fraying at
the edges.)
SELENA
Female, Latina, 36. Lucy's mother.
A wolf-mother of a woman.
DANI
Female, 40. Pediatric oncologist.
The kind of doctor children aspire to be.
The kind of doctor who aspires too much.
LANCE
Male, 17. The kind of wonder-haired
dreamboat you'd discover on the cover of a
Teen magazine. Able to sing your pants off
like a beautifully talented boy-bander should.
SETTING
A hospital in the United States.
TIME
The present.
NOTES
A slash "/" in the script indicates overlapping dialogue.
Also, each production should feel free to replace recognizable pop names when the
times or regions deem them unrecognizable.
iii.
"Ars longa, vita brevis, occasio praeceps, experimentum periculosum, iudicium difficile."
"Life is short, and Art long; the crisis fleeting; experience perilous, and decision difficult."
- Hippocrates
1.
(A treatment room. Lucy is in a reclining seat,
connected to an IV drip with clear fluid. A
comfortable chair is next to her. Dani enters.)
DANI
How are you holding up?
LUCY
Fine. Until we both know what happens.
DANI
This treatment is actually hot off the trials. 50% effective in cases like yours, with minimal
side effects LUCY
And then the other cocktail ingredients come in.
DANI
It’s a process. You know that.
LUCY
Since I was like, seven, but who remembers that?
DANI
Little League soccer. Coach was wondering when you were coming back.
LUCY
When I was good and ready.
DANI
And it only took twelve months of chemo.
LUCY
And umbilical stem cells. And then I never went back to play soccer.
(Experiencing discomfort.)
Still the same shit-feeling.
DANI
Except we’re preparing you for a new therapy LUCY
Yeah, more experimental, hardcore chemotherapy.
DANI
Harvesting your own immune system against your immature cancer cells.
2.
LUCY
Immune system versus immune system. Medicine sounds freakier every day.
DANI
We get the genetic signatures of your cancer cells, engineer a new batch of T-Cells that
specifically target those cancer cells, then put them back in your blood to fight them. And
the hope LUCY
The hope is that it won’t kill me.
DANI
The hope is that it’ll kill the leukemia.
LUCY
My mutant leukemia. The one that doesn’t stay dead.
DANI
Not if you keep making it a zombie.
(Pause.)
It’s a joke.
LUCY
Yeah. Stick to medicine, Dani.
DANI
When does Selena get back?
LUCY
Could you call her “your mom”? It’s weird when you (Lucy feels a smidge nauseous.)
I knew it. Where’s my pot?
DANI
Your mother would freak.
LUCY
It’s California. I’m allowed.
DANI
Unless you have a thousand dollars stashed in your mattress.
LUCY
Duh. It’s called a Kickstarter -
3.
DANI
Other patients have tried. And they’ve been banned from the site.
LUCY
Don’t I have rights? Insurance? Call them up DANI
Your insurance - your mom’s insurance - won’t cover it.
LUCY
Whatever. She barely covers anything anymore.
What?
DANI
LUCY
Her income. Did you think she walks around the house naked?
I don’t really know what she does -
DANI
LUCY
‘Cause she does. Greets friends with her boobs out and everything. Maybe it’s a nursing
thing?
Nursing. Breasts. I get it -
DANI
LUCY
You know she works at the kiddie clinic now? Certified nurse and everything. She might
actually make a dent on the half-million she owes this hospital. Because of my mutant
cancer.
DANI
Lucy. You are more than what you have LUCY
Would you fucking stop? I had a 90 percent chance of survival when I was seven. Girls
beat blood cancers better than boys. I’m supposed to be cured. But I’m not. Whatever
you gave me then couldn’t reach my brain even after you tapped my spine with chemo. Or
maybe the chemo and the radiation gave me this new freak leukemia. Or I ate a nuclear hot
dog. Or breathed in mutant smog. Drank that Mountain Dew that looks like toxic goop Whatever!
So tell me what my fucking chances are.
(Dani doesn’t respond.)
Yeah. I hate percentages too. Maybe I’ll fail Algebra 2 when I get to probability.
4.
That’s all we have, Lucy.
So cure me. Or God, my head fucking hurts.
DANI
LUCY
(Hold it: Lucy pukes. Dani quickly brings a
trash can to help her.)
DANI
I’ll see if I can find something for the pain.
Please.
LUCY
(Dani exits. Lucy pukes into the bucket again. It
sounds like hell. And tears. LANCE enters,
dressed like a bright cancer patient. He sits next
to Lucy.)
The new stuff’s killer.
Sick sense of humor?
So’s yours.
LANCE
LUCY
LANCE
LUCY
Aren’t you a little old to hang with deathly ill children?
LANCE
I’m seventeen. Cancer only makes you look older.
We live to look sixty.
LUCY
LANCE
You still have your looks. Like, you actually have locks of hair.
LUCY
Take a picture. You might miss me in a few weeks.
LANCE
Or maybe we’ll see more of each other.
5.
...Dude. Just no.
What’s wrong?
LUCY
LANCE
LUCY
I know you think The Fault in Our Stars was a good movie It was a good novel -
LANCE
LUCY
But I am not the one, buddy. I just want out.
(Pause.)
So we’re on beach chairs.
What?
Ahead of us is the ocean.
Nicholas Sparks, I’m warning you -
LANCE
LUCY
LANCE
LUCY
LANCE
My name’s Lance, by the way. And the sun is just about to rise on this beach - like, this is
a beach in Bermuda, with pink sand and sea breezes. We’re drinking rum swizzles.
A swizzle?
It’s got rum in it.
So give me a Dark ‘n Stormy.
LUCY
LANCE
LUCY
LANCE
There is no way you would know about that.
LUCY
I am a woman of the world. And Wikipedia. Tells me everything I need to know about
Bermuda.
6.
LANCE
Did it tell you I was sharing rum swizzles with T-Swizzle?
LUCY
There is no way you would’ve had drinks with Taylor Swift.
LANCE
When you live the life of a boy-bander, you can.
LUCY
Which boy band?
LANCE
One you’ve never heard of. High Five.
LUCY
Sounds basic.
LANCE
Just startin’ out, okay? Had to quit ‘cause...y’know. Too old. On account of the cancer.
...So sing me one of your songs.
LANCE
Maybe later.
LUCY
Faker.
So you’d like to see more of me.
I don’t believe you.
A song at a later date. Deal?
...I’m sorry.
LUCY
LANCE
LUCY
LANCE
(extending his hand)
LUCY
LANCE
I was just hoping for a later when you weren’t...like, on a drip or in a bed.
You met Lucas?
LUCY
7.
Is he your boyfriend?
LANCE
LUCY
AML patient. My age. Nice guy. Big blue eyes. Anime geek. Got a bone marrow
transplant from his mom.
LANCE
I could get into anime. I’ve already got the blue eyes.
LUCY
I started chemo, he was just finishing. And last week, he had this rash? This pain in his
belly? His mom’s body attacked his liver. His eyes were all yellow. Couldn’t speak.
Died this morning. Lucas died this morning.
(Pause. Lance touches her shoulder.)
LANCE
I’ll be around...um... I never got your name.
(Lucy curls up, not responding.)
...Okay. But I’ll be around. Okay?
(Lucy doesn’t respond. Lance exits.
Lights shift to the hospital room.
Lucy is asleep on the hospital bed. Selena is at
her side. Dani enters.)
Lucas died.
And Maria later this afternoon.
You told her?
SELENA
DANI
SELENA
DANI
She’s not seven anymore. You can’t explain it away with “maybe she got better.”
Pero, she is getting better, yes?
SELENA
DANI
The new cells are growing nicely in the lab. We’ll start the new therapy tomorrow.
(Pause.)
8.
SELENA
The cocktail knocks her out like this...that isn’t good.
Her body has gone through a lot.
DANI
SELENA
Pero she’s stronger now. Eight years with no cancer.
DANI
The chromosomal abnormalities I saw from her white blood cell count...they might be
chemotherapy-related. What we did to put her in remission last time...it’s made a new
batch of bad cells. They’re tougher than before.
So it isn’t good.
The trials have been very promising.
Why not give her my marrow?
We already did that -
SELENA
DANI
SELENA
DANI
SELENA
We did the umbilical cells. They give her eight years. So if you give her my marrow She’s not strong enough, Selena.
She is a fighter.
She is not your fighter.
DANI
SELENA
DANI
(Pause.)
What did she say to you.
She puked her guts out.
If they’re not coming out of her -
SELENA
DANI
SELENA
9.
DANI
The radiation scarred her last time. You couldn’t even touch her.
So? She screams. She suffers.
She thinks she’s a burden on you.
She is a teenager.
It’s also a risky half-million dollars -
SELENA
DANI
SELENA
DANI
SELENA
Money? You think this is about money?
That’s not what I meant -
DANI
SELENA
I work like a dog, Dani. To provide for the medicine, for her life, so she doesn’t have to
face this ever again. And you tell me is not an option? Because it’s expensive?
Because it’s exhausting. For her.
DANI
SELENA
For everybody. But we still go on because there is a chance A 15 percent chance.
DANI
(Beat.)
There is a 15 percent chance she will survive into the next five years if we can get her
strong enough for a bone marrow transplant. If she even wants it.
Cancer patients will go all the way with you. I know this SELENA
I already know this DANI
You see it in her eyes. If there’s no cure...then she wants comfort than go through this
again. And you feel it. You hurt to see her getting blasted by the chemicals.
SELENA
You saying it doesn’t hurt me?
10.
DANI
You’re not here!
(Pause.)
I’m sorry. It’s not your fault. You work long hours. I work here.
I see a lot in three weeks, Selena. I’m only saying what I’m seeing.
SELENA
I think you should go.
(Dani goes to exit. Lucy stirs.)
LUCY
Mom...?
SELENA
Si mija, aqui estoy. [Yes, my daughter. I’m here.]
LUCY
You’re breaking my hand.
SELENA
Sorry.
SELENA AND DANI
How are you - ?
DANI
Any new symptoms?
LUCY
Is overcrowding one?
DANI
SELENA
She was just leaving.
That’s good.
LUCY (CONT’D)
...Okay?
SELENA
What?
LUCY
I’m not stupid.
DANI
I was updating your mom on / your condition.
11.
LUCY
I’ll have a 15 percent chance of remission. Which means it can always come back.
That’s like, the chance of having a baby. Which is impossible thanks to the chemo.
Right, Dani?
(Dani is unsure how to respond.)
Right, “maybe she gets better.” Did Mom tell you I have a giant blank in my brain?
Maybe you found it in your scans? Or maybe Mom could tell you. A blank space where I
can’t remember facts. Where homework takes twice as long. Where I used to sing and
now I can’t hold a note.
I haven’t had my period. All the other girls had it, right on schedule. I’m still waiting.
DANI
These are temporary effects, Lucy.
SELENA
They will come in time LUCY
I was seven. And the radiation burned me. Made my insides raw. And now I’m here
again. With the doctor who lies about my chances / and my mom who’s deciding my
treatments behind my back DANI
Lucy, you’re still a minor. / We’re only doing what’s best for you SELENA
And what would you want, Lucy? To die? / Because you can’t think like that LUCY
You ‘re horrible mothers! Okay?!
Lucas died screaming in pain. Until the meds shut him up. He died in a bleach-smelling,
buzzer-beeping room. There is no “maybe he got better.” There is the chemo that gave him
his leukemia and then his mom killed him. With your modern science.
DANI
What happened with him was a mistake LUCY
I’m already my mother’s mistake SELENA
You are not a mistake, do you hear me?!
(Pause.)
What your papá and I did...at the time, it was an accident. For me. What came from that,
when I had you? No fue un accidente. Fue un regalo de la vida. [That wasn’t an
accident. That was a life.]
(MORE)
12.
SELENA (CONT'D)
When I remember so much when you were sick, I think: Let me be a nurse. Let me help
little kids like you. Let me pay all the bills better than scraping every piece of mierda off
rich peoples’ pisos por nada. So you don’t have to eat no McDonald’s. So you could
maybe play soccer one day. So I could save up for a graduation trip, you and me. Una
playa internacional. Francia, Portugal, Bermuda, wherever we go to feel the water. So you
could live without ever feeling cancer ever again. Think of what that feeling can be.
And think: You beat it con ocho años. You will beat it again.
Because I fight for you, mija. I fight to keep you here on this Earth. Like I fight the bruises
on my face when your father tried to kill you inside me. Like I fight my mother when she
turned me away. Like I fight the doctors who said you wouldn’t be well. Like I fight
hunger and tired every single night so you can live.
And when you are still here? You will understand everything I fight for.
Pero nunca dices que eres un mistake. [But never say you are a mistake.]
(Selena exits in tears. Lucy turns away from
Dani. Dani exits.
Lights shift. Dani re-enters with a wheelchair.)
DANI
Get up.
LUCY
You’re not my mom.
DANI
She’s busy.
LUCY
She’s always busy DANI
Dealing with the fact that her only daughter regretted every being born. So yeah. She’s
busy. Wheelchair. Now.
LUCY
Or what? You gonna bruise me? News flash, Dani: Already bruised.
DANI
Sixteen-year-olds get hurt all the time.
LUCY
And chemo makes them sleepy.
DANI
You’ve been watching the Late Show every single night for three weeks.
13.
LUCY
It’s not illegal.
(Pause.)
DANI
I promise you it’s worth it.
LUCY
...Is it weed?
(Dani doesn’t respond.)
Lollipops? Brownies? Pot cookies.
DANI
Oh my God.
LUCY
Well?!
DANI
How would you know if you never get up?
(Lucy grumbles and weakly gets in the
wheelchair with Dani’s assistance. Dani wheels
her around.)
LUCY
You know I like chocolate chip cookies, right?
DANI
When have I ever baked you cookies?
LUCY
Your pizza pies gave me hope.
DANI
I thought you threw them away.
LUCY
You made them for every one of my birthdays. That would’ve been rude.
DANI
Accepting you’re rude. Maybe there’s a chance after all.
LUCY
So you’re saying it’s baked.
14.
DANI
I’m not saying anything.
LUCY
Uh-huh. But it’s baked right, right? Not like I’m gonna eat a pile of wheatgrass DANI
Doctors know how to mix and match ingredients.
LUCY
But the weed DANI
The oregano, we’re in the hallway LUCY
The oregano, you can’t overdo it or it’s like parakeet food. There’s this really great recipe
I saw on the High Five message boards DANI
High Five?
LUCY
It’s a...fan-page.
DANI
Uh-huh. Does your mom know?
LUCY
Does my mom care?
DANI
Lucy LUCY
Fine. I’ll change my mind after the pizza. Where are they?
(Lights shift as Dani wheels her to a spot at the
foot of the stage. They look at the audience as if
through a plexiglass window. The sound of
babies wriggling, gurgling, and sometimes
crying underscores.)
They look like weeds.
DANI
Seeds, actually. Sprouts.
15.
LUCY
Sprouts are gross.
DANI
Baked in a mother’s womb for nine months LUCY
Gross. You are a doctor.
DANI
Humor me.
LUCY
Ha. No. Take me back.
DANI
For a minute...take them in.
(Beat.)
LUCY
I’m not eating them.
DANI
Take in what they look like.
LUCY
A delivery line of babies. All plopped out, one, two DANI
Thirty in this unit.
LUCY
Beeping, crying - that one’s got wire sprouts out of him.
DANI
Needing a little help...considering all they’ve been through. A woman begins with a fifteenpercent chance of getting pregnant.
LUCY
And I’m rude?
DANI
That baby has to beat the twenty-percent chance her mom miscarries. Then mommy and
baby have to beat the chances of cancers, choking hazards, birth defects - all these odds
until the baby is born. And then they’re here.
(MORE)
16.
DANI (CONT'D)
And you know what’s amazing? They still have their mothers’ immunities, so they can’t
get infections. Which is perfect for people with obliterated immune systems like you.
LUCY
We’re next to the cancer ward, aren’t we.
DANI
What are the odds.
(Pause.)
LUCY
I’m not a gambling girl.
DANI
But two more years and you can play slots like the old folks.
LUCY
Who smell like hospital room.
DANI
And yet they’re out of their rooms. And so are you.
LUCY
She wouldn’t let me out of mine.
(Pause.)
DANI
She was scared.
LUCY
And I wasn’t?
I couldn’t go to movies. I couldn’t go to parks or pools. Not even friends. ‘Cause if she
was working and studying, so was I. God forbid I got sick again.
DANI
...If you could go anywhere LUCY
You don’t really believe her graduation vacation talk?
DANI
I mean college. Where would you go?
17.
LUCY
NYU? Maybe some Ivy League. Some place not here. With a good medical school.
Be a doctor?
DANI
LUCY
Research. Why wouldn’t I wanna stop people from going through what I did?
(The women share a smile. Dani wheels Lucy
back into the room.)
Can’t afford it, though.
No one can.
DANI
LUCY
But you’re still here. With all your medical loans / and malpractice payments Which are not concerns of yours What about when your patients die?
DANI
LUCY
(Lights shift, revealing Selena asleep in the chair
by the hospital bed. Dani and Selena enter the
room.)
DANI
When they don’t...the price is worth it. My little oncologist.
LUCY
Okay. You don’t have to get all pediatric-mommy with me.
DANI
(toward Selena)
You must be talking about that woman over there.
Give her a chance. She beat some serious odds to get you into the world.
(Dani exits. Selena is snoring. Lucy strokes the
side of Selena’s face. Her snoring calms. Lights
shift as Lance enters the hospital room, sneaking
in.)
Psst. Hey.
LANCE
18.
I have a name.
You never gave it to me.
And yet you found my room.
LUCY
LANCE
LUCY
LANCE
I heard the snoring and I thought, “Who sounds like an industrial-strength foghorn?”
Don’t talk about my mom like that.
Sorry.
But yes. Not me. My mom.
But you could.
I would not.
You ever recorded your snores?
LUCY
LANCE
LUCY
LANCE
LUCY
LANCE
LUCY
I have leukemia, not embarrassing sleep apnea.
LANCE
But Miss Wikipedia, she’s not gasping for air in her sleep.
LUCY
When I want a diagnosis, I’ll ask Dani.
LANCE
How’s that diagnosis working out for you?
(Pause.)
It’s okay. Me, too. But...I read somewhere - because, I’m fascinated by Wikipedia - that...
(He shows off a guitar.)
Music does positive things for recovery. Makes endorphins. Which are, like, pleasure
chemicals?
19.
You’re gonna wake her up!
LUCY
LANCE
She’s snoring. Not even God could wake her up.
SONG: “SHUT-EYE”
(He strums his guitar.)
Besides. It’s just a little lullaby.
She’s next to me
Head to chest, we breathe
Everything slows down
Nothing makes a sound
LANCE
(He sings. This man was clearly not the back-up
in the boy band.)
I hold her close
Both of us unclothed
Two messes in this room
Come together in a swoon
She doesn’t stir...and I wonder...
Should I move my hand and wake her from sleep?
Should I move my heart and make her disbelieve?
Should I move my heavens, move my hell,
Move everything between us to make her well?
Should I? Or should I get some shut-eye...?
(He ends on a soft note. Lucy is totally starstruck.)
Shut up and take my money.
I’ll take the praise...um...?
LUCY
LANCE
LUCY
Lucy. Lucia, but sounding like some rando Roman concubine isn’t really my style.
20.
LANCE
Better than sounding like a knock-off English knight.
(Pause.)
...Does this mean I get a handshake?
You have a hand fetish?
LUCY
LANCE
No-no! I just thought maybe... Maybe I should let you go.
LUCY
You could stay.
You sound better than her snoring. And the beeping. With your...endorphins.
LANCE
Feeling me pump through your arteries?
(Lucy chuckles.)
...That was really, um. Shit.
LUCY
Yeah it was. At least you don’t have throat cancer. You’d have nothing else going for
you. You teenage geezer.
LANCE
Not true. I’d have non-cancerous fingertips. Still talented.
LUCY
Compromised immune system. Couldn’t touch me even if you wanted to.
LANCE
But if we’re both cancer patients, then we’re both compromised, so...maybe my touch
cancels yours out? And then we’re fine.
LUCY
Or maybe you add to mine and I add to yours and then we’re...not fine.
I’m not planning on going away.
You 100% sure?
LANCE
LUCY
LANCE
What if I hover my finger above you and you pick a spot for me to touch you?
There are children, Lancelot.
LUCY
21.
LANCE
And we’re two teenagers stuck with hormones and endorphins. Who cares?
LUCY
Don’t you have a mom? Doesn’t she care about you?
LANCE
She cares. But she can’t hear me all the way over here. Especially when she’s asleep.
Two teenagers. Two sleeping moms. A little happiness won’t kill you. Come on.
(Lucy nods. Lance starts at her hand. Up the
arm, up the shoulder, across the clavicle, slow
across her breast. It’s very erotic for the both of
them. He closes in on her heart.)
There. Pervert.
Patient’s gotta be patient.
Ah.
LUCY
LANCE
(He touches her heart with his fingertip. They
breathe. He holds his hand on her heart. The
sound of Lucy’s heart monitor is heard. Beep.
Beep.
It skips a beat.)
LUCY
Okay, you are such a - Get that “shut-eye”, you creep.
(He removes his hand from her.)
Endorphinous dreams, Luci...a.
LANCE
(Lance smiles and exits. Lucy smiles, then
sleeps. Selena still snores. Lights out.)