Sandpaper People
Mary Southerland
We live in a world that hoards a myriad of problems. You will be thrilled to know I
have discovered the biggest problem of all – people! In my opinion, if there were fewer
people, there would be fewer problems. Let’s be honest! Some people are more
difficult to get along with than others; they “rub” us the wrong way! I call them
“Sandpaper People”. Sandpaper people come in all shapes, sizes and colors and
sometimes they are us! We try to change them, run from them, ignore them and even
take a stab at fixing them. If only it were that simple. It rarely is.
Getting along with sandpaper people requires a new point of view, seeing them as
God sees them. We cannot base love for difficult people on feelings, but on God’s love
that is released by choices we make in dealing with sandpaper people.
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Choose love.
Ephesians 2:10 “We are God’s workmanship.”
The artist came to the park every day when the light was just right, positioning his
easel and paints under the same familiar shade tree. For hours, he watched people
strolling by, searching for just the right face to paint. A beggar sitting across the path
caught his eye. Thinking of God’s handiwork in every human being, the artist resolved
to paint the man as he imagined he could be. With the last stroke, the artist breathed a
sigh of satisfaction. It was done. And it was some of his best work. The artist then
called the beggar over to see the painting. “Is that me?’ the beggar asked. “That is the
“you” I see!” replied the artist. The beggar stared at the painting, and with tears in his
eyes, softly spoke, “If that’s the man you see in me, then that’s the man I shall be!”
Sandpaper people desperately need someone who will look beyond their abrasive
behavior to recognize their worth. Sandpaper people have allowed someone or
something to assign an identity to them that is false. As a result, they live a life they
were never intended to live, bound to an unhealthy self-image, having no concept of
who they really are or what they can become. Desperate to fit in, they try on different
identities like trying on new clothes, wondering why none of them fit. Sandpaper people
fail to understand that their identity was established before the world began, in the
heart and mind of God. That’s where we come in.
When we make the deliberate choice to love a sandpaper person, we are inviting God
to work in us and through us to bring about change; to create His image in us so we can
then see His image in others. Difficult relationships find it hard to survive in an
atmosphere of love because stubborn wills yield to love as the worth of a soul is
recognized and valued.
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Choose patience. 2 Timothy 2: 24 “They must be patient with difficult
people.”
Patience is vital when dealing with sandpaper people. Instead of trying to control
them, we must be patient because patience is more powerful than control can ever be.
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“It is better to be patient than powerful.” Proverbs 16:32 Patience comes from within
and is not dependent upon external circumstances. Patience empowers us to embrace
difficult people with joy. If you are like me, you tend to consider it pure joy when you
escape, rather than embrace abrasive people. Sandpaper people are not sent into our
lives as punishment but as opportunities for patience to work.
My daughter and I are exactly alike, which means we can really push each other’s
buttons. I remember a particularly rough day when everything was a battle, none of
which I seemed to win. Everything I asked Danna to do was met with opposition and
multiple reasons why she didn’t want to comply with my wishes. With rapidly waning
patience, I threw up my hands and announced, “Fine, Danna! Just do whatever you
want. Now let me see you disobey that!” The look of surprise on Danna’s face was
priceless as was the lesson I learned that day. The greatest patience is best refined in
the midst of the greatest conflict. When those conflicts come, use them, learn from
them and embrace them as a tool for good in the hands of God.
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Choose forgiveness. Ephesians 4:32 “And be kind to one another,
tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.”
Sandpaper people are hard to forgive – but need forgiveness the most and most
often. Sandpaper may conceal an old wound, a wrong never forgiven or a sin never
confessed. Sandpaper people orchestrate difficult circumstances and broken
relationships in an unconscious attempt to prove they don’t deserve and should never
dare to expect forgiveness. In other words, sandpaper people will deliberately set
themselves up to fail. That’s where forgiveness comes in.
When sandpaper people experience forgiveness, their innate plan of self-destruction is
thwarted. Guilt and blame feed their hellish insecurity, determining coarse actions,
dictating grating words and opinions while corroding relationships until someone
chooses to see that difficult person through the eyes of God, until someone chooses to
forgive them, sandpaper and all.
Because sandpaper people often unknowingly inflict pain, they may never ask to be
forgiven. Forgiveness doesn’t wait on an invitation. It simply works - an independent
act between you and God totally separate from the way a difficult person responds or
reacts. Forgiveness is a demonstration of love that leads first to action and then to an
attitude. True forgiveness is a powerful weapon in the war against emotional pain and
is a key part of every relationship – especially those relationships with sandpaper
people. In fact, I suspect many sandpaper people exist to teach us how to forgive the
way God forgives.
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Choose encouragement. 1 Thessalonians 5:11 “Encourage one another.”
If you want to disarm a sandpaper person, become their cheerleader! By focusing on
their good points, your perspective of that person will change. Other people’s
perspective of that person will change and even that person’s own perspective will
change.
When our son, Jered, was in second grade, he had a classmate, Kyle, who qualified as
a first class sandpaper person. One morning, Kyle came to school with both arms in a
cast from wrist to elbow. The teacher explained that Kyle would need a friend to help
him do class work, eat lunch, go to the restroom, and in short, be his personal slave for
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eight weeks. In the silent, tension-filled classroom, it seemed as if everyone was
holding their breath, hoping Kyle would somehow disappear. He didn’t. Disappointment
clouded the teacher’s face until Jered said, “I’ll do it, Miss Chism.” A sigh of relief
erupted as everyone stared at Jered in gratitude, unable to understand why he would
link himself to this abrasive kid, but clearly glad he had.
Over the next few weeks, Jered discovered that Kyle wasn’t so bad after all. In fact,
they became friends. Then Kyle’s behavior began to change. The other children,
watching this unlikely friendship unfold, surmised that if Jered liked the sandpaper boy,
there must be something worth liking. After eight weeks, the class of now-wiser
children included Kyle in every activity. When the casts came off, so did the old
sandpaper person. All he needed was a cheerleader. Maybe that’s all your sandpaper
person needs.
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Choose thankfulness. Philippians 4: 6b “Always be thankful, for this is God’s
will.”
Choosing to be thankful for sandpaper people is one of the most important choices we
can make, as well as one of the most difficult choices we must make to bring any
measure of health to a difficult relationship. Thankfulness is a foreign language to
sandpaper people, their native tongue criticism and displeasure. The last thing any
sandpaper person expects to encounter is an attitude of thankfulness. Yet, it is the first
step God commands us to take.
Right now, begin thanking God for allowing you to experience pain at the hand of a
sandpaper person. Praise Him for the shattered dreams and crushed hopes that have
come through that difficult relationship. Trust Him to take what the enemy meant for
bad and use it for good in your life. If you want to experience victory in your most
difficult relationships, thank God for each one.
Sandpaper people are not only a certainty, but opportunities from the heart of God.
God uses difficult relationships as catalysts through which He lovingly upsets my
comfortable plans and purposefully redirects my safe, calculated steps. Every
relationship, difficult or easy, is wrapped in God’s love, faithfully delivered with His
permission and wrapped in His plan. The world is watching, as is every sandpaper
person in our lives, pushing every limit to see how we will respond. It is through these
difficult relationships that we grow and mature in Christ. The rough edges fall away as
we welcome the lessons sandpaper people bring.