The Cupcake Conspiracy
A FULL-LENGTH COMEDY BY
C.J. EHRLICH & PHILIP J. KAPLAN
"Terrorism is easy. Marriage is complicated!"
Copyright © 2015
All Rights Reserved by
C.J. Ehrlich and Philip J. Kaplan
Members Dramatists Guild of America
[email protected]
(914) 656-1061
www.CJ-Ehrlich.com
Chappaqua, NY 10514
[email protected]
(718) 940-2627
142 Rugby Road
Brooklyn, NY 11226
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
REPRODUCTION WITHOUT SPECIFIC WRITTEN
PERMISSION PROHIBITED
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amateurs are hereby warned that The Cupcake Conspiracy is subject to
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applicable civil and criminal penalties.
THE CUPCAKE CONSPIRACY
EHRLICH & KAPLAN
CAST OF CHARACTERS:
The Principals
MAX, a timid air traffic controller (late 20s-50)
NATASHA, a beautiful Silesian terrorist (20s-30s)
ALVIN, a man of many identities, deeply insecure,
covers it with bravado (20s-40s). The actor must
have great facility with dialects and be able to
change character on a dime.
SUZIE, an assertive hedge fund analyst looking for
love (20s-40s)
The Supporting Players
Player One (m/f)
HOTDOG VENDOR
BARFLY
IGNATZ, a Henchman
ARMONESE FREEDOM FIGHTER
BACKGROUND as desired
Player Two (m)
BOUNCER
VINCE, a Henchman
ARMONESE FREEDOM FIGHTER (walk-on)
BACKGROUND as desired
THE CUPCAKE CONSPIRACY
TIME:
Contemporary. A 48-hour period. Then three days later.
SETTINGS:
Various venues around New York City:
ACT I:
Scene 1:
Scene 2:
Scene 3:
Scene 4:
Scene 5:
Scene 6:
Viewing deck, Empire State Building
A basement warehouse/storeroom
Outside a strip club
A hotdog stand, in a park
The basement storeroom
Max and Suzie’s living room
ACT II:
Scene 1:
Scene 2:
see here
Scene 3:
Scene 4:
Scene 5:
Various offices.
Outside of a very normal, there’s nothing to
cupcake factory
Inside the factory
Later that same factory, in the Room of Pain
The Empire State Building
SET REQUIREMENTS
All settings can be suggested minimally.
ACT I.
Scene 1.
SETTING: The Empire State Building. Evening.
AT RISE: Fog drifts winsomely across the deck of the
Empire State Building. A solitary figure in a trench
coat, holding a bright red pocketbook looks for someone
or something. It is NATASHA. She wears a striking green
necklace.
MAX enters, jiggling the New York Times conspicuously. He
also juggles a small floral arrangement and looks
unbalanced by the responsibility.
MAX sees NATASHA and walks past her, lifting the
newspaper. NATASHA looks him in the eye, takes a cupcake
out of her purse and nibbles it, delicately and
deliberately.
MAX walks past again, waves the newspaper and
accidentally drops it. As MAX fumbles to pick it up,
NATASHA wipes a speck of icing off her mouth with her
little finger.
Red bag.
Excuse me.
Your bag, it's red.
MAX
NATASHA
MAX
NATASHA
Thank you for that perceptive observation.
MAX
I'm early. I'm Bob. Newspaper?
(MAX waves the newspaper and drops the
flowers, freezes with embarrassment.)
NATASHA
Bob Newspaper.
(suddenly interested)
Oh, Bob!
Carol?
MAX
NATASHA
If that would please you.
THE CUPCAKE CONSPIRACY - Ehrlich & Kaplan
MAX
(picks up flowers)
I'm sorry. I've never-- I mean I. These are for you!
(MAX thrusts the flowers at her.)
NATASHA
(furtively)
It was supposed to be daisies.
Ach! I’m always so--
MAX
NATASHA
(meaningfully)
I like the Showgirls of Las Wegas.
(waits for the countersign)
Mr. Bob X?
MAX
(sputtering along)
That's great. I know I'm early. I-I'm nervous and I’m early.
OK, an hour early. But so are you! What are the odds, two
compulsively punctual-- The computer knows all, huh?
Bob?
I'm talking too much.
NATASHA
MAX
NATASHA
You play the part to perfection.
MAX
Gah, I wish my wife could hear you. I mean, my
wasn’t going to mention her! Two minutes in, I
it out. Blurty blurtblurt. My wife always says
pahh! My ex ex ex. I should leave. You want me
NATASHA
Your woman is of no concern to me.
MAX
That’s very. Enlightened.
NATASHA
You have told her nothing?
MAX
Are you kidding? Mum’s the word.
NATASHA
Good. No civilians. No civilian casualties.
ex. Argggh! I
just bluuurt
I can’t-to leave?
2
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MAX
(warming to her nervously)
Yeah-heh-heh... I get what you mean. I think. So. Tonight.
Yes, business.
NATASHA
MAX
I hope I’m not too much of a disappointment. The website said
photos are superficial, so-NATASHA
Based on your responses, and Interpol profile, you will not
disappoint.
MAX
I have a sense of humor, too. I checked that box, right?
NATASHA
Your sense of humor is legendary, Bob.
MAX
So I-I made reservations at this Italian restaurant on the
upper West Side. It’s small and dark. We could see it from
here. On a clear night.
NATASHA
We have an appointment, Bob.
MAX
Hey. Yaha. Let me be upfront about one thing. My real name-NATASHA
Bob X! Should not we not use our real names?
MAX
No names. Pa-pow. Not expecting that, but OK! No names. No
expectations. No rules! I’m Bob X. Call me Bob.
And I am Carol.
NATASHA
MAX
Wow Carol. I’m feeling great, Carol. I’m really pumped.
NATASHA
I think we will have success tonight. I’m sure of it.
MAX
(a little cocky)
You know we will. Because I’m a bad boy.
NATASHA
You’re the baddest, Bob.
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MAX
(back to earth)
But we’re both hungry, right? In case Italian is too boring,
I also made three exotic reservations. Persian, Afghan,
Pakistani, name your poison.
NATASHA
Bob, we will handle this ourselves, without any help from the
Persians, or the Afghans. And I can never remember whose side
is Pakistan on. Just you and me tonight, Bob.
MAX
Yes! But first. How ‘bout a snack? I know this place that
sells really good cupcakes. I mean really good. They’re
expensive but-NATASHA
They said you were cruel! They were right! You have the
facade of a fool, yet you strike like a cobra!
Huh?
MAX
NATASHA
Other people’s cupcakes! It’s like you are driving a glass
stake through my heart.
(NATASHA crushes her cupcake. MAX drops
everything he’s carrying.)
MAX
Ha! I have the same reaction when someone says “hijack.” Oh
jinkers, maybe I should go. I mean, I’m saying all the wrong
things, and you seem like a really nice girl but it’s been a
while and I don’t even own a rubber suit and I mean that in a
good way even though I said it in a bad way-(NATASHA helps him pick things up.)
NATASHA
Don’t leave, Bob. I need you.
MAX
Wow. I can’t remember when anyone last said they needed me.
(beat)
What’s the worst that could happen? Tonight call me Mr. Risk!
NATASHA
OK, Mr. Bob Risk, I am imagining what is worst that could
happen. Do you wish me to describe this terrible event?
THE CUPCAKE CONSPIRACY - Ehrlich & Kaplan
MAX
No! Let’s get out of here. Let’s get to it!
(he giggles a bit hysterically)
This is so much fun it should be illegal.
(NATASHA drop-kicks her cupcake, and
exits with MAX as ALVIN jogs on. He is
carrying The Workers Weekly, and a
droopy daisy. He looks around, then
buries his face in the newspaper.
(NOTE: Alvin initially presents himself
as a businessman, or to be more
precise, someone with a secret agenda
posing as a businessman.
(SUZIE enters, carrying a red handbag.
She looks around and sees ALVIN,
raising the handbag.)
Hey... Hey!
Hey?
SUZIE
ALVIN
SUZIE
You’re Bob, right? Newspaper? I’m Carol.
(ALVIN moves away. He tries to read his
paper. SUZIE dogs him. ALVIN looks her
over, shakes the daisy at her.)
ALVIN
I’m Bob... You’re Carol.
Red handbag?
SUZIE
(SUZIE pokes ALVIN with the handbag.)
Sure is. Well...
Well.
ALVIN
SUZIE
ALVIN
What do you think about the Showgirls of Las Vegas?
(ALVIN waits for the countersign.)
5
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SUZIE
(she pulls a crib sheet out of her purse)
No, no, no. You’re supposed to open with skydiving, spearfishing and spontaneity. Then I do monster movies, the Ming
Dynasty and spontaneity.
ALVIN
How about my daisy.
(SUZIE takes his flower, sniffs it.)
SUZIE
Very, very nice daisy. But this is too much spontaneity.
ALVIN
What?
SUZIE
I’m so confused. I should calm down. Compliment my dress and
we can start over.
(She pokes him playfully with her red
bag. ALVIN realizes he needs to get his
flower back.)
ALVIN
Look, Miss-- Carol. Sorry. I’m not who you think I am.
SUZIE
You just happen to be on the Empire State Building, Thursday
night, carrying a newspaper, and your name just happens to be
Bob Ngowski. I meant to ask, is the “N” silent?
ALVIN
Very silent. All the letters are silent.
How very French of you.
SUZIE
ALVIN
We got our wires crossed, is all. Could I have-SUZIE
No way. You don’t get rid of me that easy!
But you’re not--
ALVIN
SUZIE
And maybe you’re not either! Myrtle Martin says a single
woman has to throw away ten men to find one keeper. So let’s
get it over with. What’ll it be, Greek, Chinese? No, you look
Italian all the way. Every Friday night, chicken parm
special, right?
(MORE)
THE CUPCAKE CONSPIRACY - Ehrlich & Kaplan
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SUZIE (cont'd)
A salad with dressing on the side and a glass of fricken
house red? And a fricken cappuccino if you’re feeling fricken
lucky?
ALVIN
You seem like a sweet, kind girl, Carol. A credit to your
Girl Scout troop. But I’m here for someone else.
SUZIE
Do I look like an idiot?
ALVIN
Idiot, no. Dangerous, perhaps. Rabidly angry, for sure.
SUZIE
Hey-- I’ve invested plenty in this evening-- even if you
haven’t. That suit of yours, did you buy it at Value-Mart?...
ALVIN
You know what, keep the flower.
(ALVIN starts to walk away. SUZIE dogs
his steps.)
SUZIE
Yeah, go! Find your other date. So-called.
(SUZIE gives up. ALVIN paces around,
checks his watch, then throws his
newspaper away in frustration.)
ALVIN
She is not so-called. She’s about 5-9, black hair, wears a
green necklace, and she may have been talking about cupcakes.
Oh, sure!
SUZIE
ALVIN
I take it you didn’t see her.
(ALVIN notices Natasha’s cupcake at
Suzie’s feet. SUZIE sees it and kicks
it away, then bursts into tears.
(ALVIN picks up, examines the cupcake,
puts 2 and 2 together.
(He watches SUZIE for a bit, then takes
out a box of Good ‘n Plenty and shakes
it at her. She turns away and keeps
crying. ALVIN offers his handkerchief.)
THE CUPCAKE CONSPIRACY - Ehrlich & Kaplan
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SUZIE
Leave me alone.
ALVIN
Take it.
(SUZIE dabs her eyes with the hanky.)
So? Where is she? Bob?
SUZIE
ALVIN
Oh-- I...
SUZIE
I have to work with guys like you. You like to torture
people, don’t you? You get a kick out of stringing them along
with your wonderful promises which turn out to be lies.
Do not call me a liar.
ALVIN
SUZIE
You don’t have to explain. I’m outta here. You can eat my
frickin dust.
Wait! You have a car?
ALVIN
SUZIE
Do I! First and last time I drive to midtown. No left turn,
no right turn, no u-turn, I mean what the frap! That’s right,
Bob. I swear like a fricken fish when I get excited... or
angry or hungry-(SUZIE blows her nose on the hanky and
tries to give it back. ALVIN smoothly
transitions into a suave, Cary Grantish
personae. He takes Suzie’s hand.)
ALVIN
Keep it. Souvenir of the shortest and worst date ever. My
loss, cuz you’re cute as a bedbug when you’re not yelling.
SUZIE
(trying to get out of Alvin’s grip)
You know you’re the first guy I actually made time to meet? I
should be home studying Business Chinese.
ALVIN
Don’t go! If you leave now, you’ll always wonder why what
might have been our future, we left in the past. It’ll keep
you up nights, knowing you can never know what almost was.
THE CUPCAKE CONSPIRACY - Ehrlich & Kaplan
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SUZIE
It’s not easy to put yourself out there you know. I am very
upset!
ALVIN
And very pretty. I can’t imagine what you’d look like with a
smile. I don’t think my heart could stand it. But I’m already
up in the clouds, so I guess that’s all right.
SUZIE
You’re moving in the right direction.
ALVIN
Why, if anybody took a look at you and walked away, they’d
have to be blind. Or married, and even then they’d want to
take a peek.
Bob?
Yes?
SUZIE
ALVIN
SUZIE
That was a beautiful speech.
ALVIN
You bring that out in me.
SUZIE
It would have sounded better when we first met. Now I can’t
believe a word.
ALVIN
Look, Miss Carol. You came on pretty strong when we first
met. Maybe it was you and maybe it was me but if it’s over
before it started, all I can say is sorry it didn’t work out.
SUZIE
Well... My evening’s already ruined.
ALVIN
Mine’s pretty well shot to pieces.
SUZIE
Where do you want to go?
ALVIN
Everywhere, Carol. Let’s make this a night we won’t forget.
BLACKOUT.
THE CUPCAKE CONSPIRACY - Ehrlich & Kaplan
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ACT I.
Scene 2.
Time: Half an hour later.
At Rise: NATASHA and MAX prowl in a
dark basement storeroom.
MAX
What next? I am ready for anything.
(NATASHA turns a flashlight on MAX, who
winces in the light.
NATASHA sweeps the flashlight over the
shelves. MAX fidgets, then discovers a
light switch and turns it on.)
No!
No?
NATASHA
MAX
NATASHA
It is easier to find the Sorbic Polycitenia No 7 in the dark.
(MAX flips off the lights, knocking
something over in the process.)
MAX
Woo. When you say “blind date,” you mean it!
NATASHA
Shh. Sorbic Polycitenia No. 7.
MAX
Aha. Is that another name for Viagra? ‘Cuz I don’t need it.
(he approaches her)
Who’s up for some more breaking and entering.
NATASHA
Breaking and entering is over.
It is?
MAX
NATASHA
Was breaking and entering when you picked lock.
MAX
That wasn’t just your, uh, kinky ritual, us climbing through
the window instead of using your key?