Alice Carson 10/24/15 8:13 PM
Deleted: On the first day of high school…n
... [1]
Alice Carson 10/24/15 8:27 PM
Comment [1]: You$can$insert$your$
On certain days, I might contemplate trading my soul to the devil for free pizza. So it’s no
surprise that three years ago, on the first day of school, two slices of pizza overcame my initial
trepidation and caused me to sign up for Model UN.
My first conference left me shell-shocked. The polished candidates, roaring speeches, variegated
ideas, and sheer volume of tie clips – all packed into four days – left me in awe. I took away two
key lessons from my experience in General Assembly. First, I loved debating into all hours of the
night. Second, getting North Korea to agree on nuclear disarmament is not impossible. That first
conference altered my personal trajectory. I had been a numbers guy; a science lover. But a few
political puns, several semi-legitimate statistics, and many mispronounced words later: I was
hooked. My Model UN career was just getting started.
The following March, I won over my delegation and entered the primary elections, allowing me
to run for Secretary General, the highest position in the conference..
I had no idea what was to follow. Leading a campaign to attract 2,400 strangers forced me to lay
myself bare before my team members because my team had to know me better than anyone else.
I had to acknowledge my flaws: an expansive ego, an occasional disregard for others’ emotions,
and an outwardly isolated nature. And I had to go one step further and address them, because I
didn’t want to let down my team, my school, or myself.
As the campaign progressed, so did my stress levels – and I broke down. While I would have
normally withdrawn into my own head, this time there was nowhere to hide: I was front and
center, at all times. I’ve heard that the most difficult path is usually the most obvious, and it
eventually dawned on me that I would have to tackle my flaws directly. This battle was fought
with internal vacillation, stress management, and thousands of colorful buttons. But I, an
immature freshman with a predilection for pizza, emerged victorious and won the position of
Secretary General for the state of Colorado.
I did not fully vanquish my flaws, but facing my shortcomings did bolster my confidence. After
meeting those 2,400 delegates, they were no longer as terrifying. Between the campaign
speeches and handshakes, I left the chains of my introversion behind and began to enjoy meeting
new people. The campaign was challenging, but the invaluable knowledge I gained in the
process made it all worth it. The privilege of choosing the first song at the dance was pretty cool
too.
Even as the Secretary General, my ego can still emerge, my treatment of others can still turn
sour, and my apprehension about socialization can return. But before Model UN, I would never
have even recognized those issues, let alone work to address them. At the very least, I definitely
did not expect to have made friends all the way from Connecticut, . Model UN has taken me
down a purposeful and sometimes uncomfortable path. But I’ve learned to find security in that
discomfort, channeling it to catalyze personal improvement.
... [2]
Alice Carson 10/24/15 8:22 PM
Deleted: the …izza might have initially... [3]
Alice Carson 10/24/15 8:13 PM
Comment [2]: There$was$an$opportunity$
... [4]
Alice Carson 10/24/15 8:28 PM
Deleted:
... [5]
Alice Carson 10/24/15 8:29 PM
Deleted: Those four days…y first conference
... [6]
Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:12 AM
Comment [3]: I$eliminated$this$sentence$
... [7]
Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:12 AM
Deleted: I never even considered the idea
... [8]
of
Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:20 AM
Deleted: somehow …on over my delegation
... [9]
Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:24 AM
Deleted: At that time, … had no idea ...
what
[10]
Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:25 AM
Comment [4]: This$phrase$comes$off$as$
... [11]
Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:23 AM
Deleted: magnitude of the campaign
... [12]
Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:29 AM
Comment [5]: This$might$not$be$the$right$
... [13]
Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:29 AM
Deleted: to win,
Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:30 AM
Comment [6]: This$descriptor$doesn’t$fit$
... [14]
Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:27 AM
Comment [7]: This$theme$needs$to$be$
... [15]
Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:31 AM
Deleted: a of course
Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:31 AM
Deleted: I,
Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:55 AM
Comment [8]: The$timeline$here$doesn’t$
... [16]
Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:30 AM
Deleted: from my school in Colorado... [17]
Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:32 AM
Deleted: never destroyed…my flaws,...but
[18]
Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:38 AM
Comment [9]: This$is$a$hyperbolic$ ... [19]
Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:33 AM
Comment [10]: This$is$a$good$start$to$
... [20]
Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:40 AM
Comment [11]: Is$knowledge$the$biggest$
... [21]
Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:43 AM
Comment [12]: You$can$also$shift$this$to$
... [22]
Comments:
Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:42 AM
Deleted: As
Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:37 AM
Comment [13]: This$is$a$strong$framing$
... [23]
Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:42 AM
Deleted: of
Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:41 AM
Comment [14]: Those$three$sentences$
... [25]
Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:41 AM
... [24]
Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:43 AM
Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:24 AM
... [26]
Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:42 AM
... [27]
Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:42 AM
... [28]
Dear XXXXX,
First of all, let me commend you on an extremely well written essay. It was clear that you put a
lot of time and effort into this essay, and I particularly enjoyed the small humorous flourishes
you injected into the essay (like the line about the buttons). As it is written right now, this is a
good essay, addressing a theme of personal improvement and telling that story in a reasonably
compelling manner. And if you want to keep the essay’s dual theme (of facing your flaws and
Model UN playing a large role in your life), then I’ve made several specific content suggestions
above, which will allow you to make that essay a good one. I suggested some content additions,
and in order to allow you to implement them, my edits have reduced the length of the essay to
525 words, giving you 125 words to play with.
But I believe that you have all of the pieces here to write a truly incredible essay, one that
transcends the relatively standard “I won an Election” storyline to convey multiple facets of your
personality and make you stand out. Right now, the essay is about how your overall journey
through MUN helped you address your flaws (ego, insensitivity, lack of social confidence/skills).
Instead, I would propose that you reorganize your essay to exclusively focus on the campaign,
and focus more heavily on these flaws and the process of overcoming them. To give yourself
enough space to do this, you could eliminate the first two paragraphs and open right as you begin
the campaign. You should also leave the outcome of the campaign out of the essay (they’ll know
you won from your resume anyway) as that increases the power of your actions (you overcame
your flaws without an obvious payoff) and makes you a more interesting character. This will free
up some more words as you delete sentences that deal with this. The last paragraph can also be
eliminated, as the journey through MUN element of your overall theme is gone. All of these
changes will free up 300-350 words of space for you to write.
The general narrative arc should be the start of your campaign up through the moments before
the election. You should start by illustrating your flaws (mentioning how they affected your
campaign) with specific interactions, and then expand on how your campaign team galvanized
you to address things, show steady improvement throughout the campaign (using various events
[i.e. speeches or meet and greets]) from the campaign as events to illustrate improvement in
these traits. You should then finish right before the campaign, talking about how you found
significant improvement but are far from perfect in those traits, and then end before a final
speech or something right before the election.
I believe that this has the potential to be an incredible essay, and you already have the right base
content – you just need to reshape some of it and change how the story is framed.
Page 1: [1] Deleted
Alice Carson
10/24/15 8:13 PM
Alice Carson
10/24/15 8:13 PM
Alice Carson
10/24/15 8:13 PM
Alice Carson
10/24/15 8:27 PM
On the first day of high school
!
Page 1: [1] Deleted
On the first day of high school
!
Page 1: [1] Deleted
On the first day of high school
!
Page 1: [2] Comment [1]
You!can!insert!your!favorite!type!of!pizza!here.!To!sharpen!the!humor,!you!could!
even!make!it!highly!specific!(e.g.!four!cheese!and!mushroom)!
Page 1: [3] Deleted
Alice Carson
10/24/15 8:22 PM
Alice Carson
10/24/15 8:22 PM
Alice Carson
10/24/15 8:22 PM
Alice Carson
10/24/15 8:13 PM
the
!
Page 1: [3] Deleted
the
!
Page 1: [3] Deleted
the
!
Page 1: [4] Comment [2]
There!was!an!opportunity!to!reframe!this!intro!to!make!it!more!engaging!and!
humorous,!and!I!have!rephrased!the!intro!accordingly.!!
Page 1: [5] Deleted
Alice Carson
10/24/15 8:28 PM
Prior to conference, I thought passing a resolution was paramount. But none of mine
passed, and I couldn’t have cared less.
Page 1: [6] Deleted
Alice Carson
10/24/15 8:29 PM
Alice Carson
10/24/15 8:29 PM
Alice Carson
10/24/15 8:29 PM
Alice Carson
10/24/15 8:29 PM
Alice Carson
10/24/15 8:29 PM
Alice Carson
10/24/15 8:29 PM
Alice Carson
10/24/15 8:29 PM
Alice Carson
10/24/15 8:29 PM
Those four days
!
Page 1: [6] Deleted
Those four days
!
Page 1: [6] Deleted
Those four days
!
Page 1: [6] Deleted
Those four days
!
Page 1: [6] Deleted
Those four days
!
Page 1: [6] Deleted
Those four days
!
Page 1: [6] Deleted
Those four days
!
Page 1: [6] Deleted
Those four days
!
Page 1: [6] Deleted
Alice Carson
10/24/15 8:29 PM
Alice Carson
10/24/15 8:29 PM
Alice Carson
10/24/15 8:29 PM
Alice Carson
10/24/15 8:29 PM
Alice Carson
10/24/15 8:29 PM
Alice Carson
10/24/15 8:29 PM
Alice Carson
10/24/15 8:29 PM
Alice Carson
10/25/15 1:12 AM
Alice Carson
10/25/15 1:12 AM
Those four days
!
Page 1: [6] Deleted
Those four days
!
Page 1: [6] Deleted
Those four days
!
Page 1: [6] Deleted
Those four days
!
Page 1: [6] Deleted
Those four days
!
Page 1: [6] Deleted
Those four days
!
Page 1: [6] Deleted
Those four days
!
Page 1: [7] Comment [3]
I!eliminated!this!sentence!because!!
Page 1: [8] Deleted
I never even considered the idea of making public speaking as perfunctory as evaluating
polynomials.
!
Page 1: [9] Deleted
Alice Carson
10/25/15 1:20 AM
Alice Carson
10/25/15 1:20 AM
Alice Carson
10/25/15 1:20 AM
Alice Carson
10/25/15 1:24 AM
Alice Carson
10/25/15 1:24 AM
Alice Carson
10/25/15 1:24 AM
Alice Carson
10/25/15 1:24 AM
Alice Carson
10/25/15 1:24 AM
Alice Carson
10/25/15 1:24 AM
somehow
!
Page 1: [9] Deleted
somehow
!
Page 1: [9] Deleted
somehow
!
Page 1: [10] Deleted
At that time,
!
Page 1: [10] Deleted
At that time,
!
Page 1: [10] Deleted
At that time,
!
Page 1: [10] Deleted
At that time,
!
Page 1: [10] Deleted
At that time,
!
Page 1: [10] Deleted
At that time,
!
Page 1: [10] Deleted
Alice Carson
10/25/15 1:24 AM
Alice Carson
10/25/15 1:24 AM
Alice Carson
10/25/15 1:24 AM
Alice Carson
10/25/15 1:24 AM
Alice Carson
10/25/15 1:24 AM
Alice Carson
10/25/15 1:25 AM
At that time,
!
Page 1: [10] Deleted
At that time,
!
Page 1: [10] Deleted
At that time,
!
Page 1: [10] Deleted
At that time,
!
Page 1: [10] Deleted
At that time,
!
Page 1: [11] Comment [4]
This!phrase!comes!off!as!clichéd,!because!you!haven’t!previously!indicated!that!your!
reasons!for!wanting!to!run!for!Secretary!General!were!these!(team/school/you).!
Instead,!you!can!be!more!honest,!saying!something!about!you!wanting!to!win,!or!
wanting!to!give!yourself!the!best!shot!possible.!Alternatively,!if!you!want!to!go!over!
an!obligation!to!your!team!!!
Page 1: [12] Deleted
Alice Carson
10/25/15 1:23 AM
Alice Carson
10/25/15 1:23 AM
Alice Carson
10/25/15 1:23 AM
Alice Carson
10/25/15 1:23 AM
Alice Carson
10/25/15 1:29 AM
magnitude of the campaign increased
!
Page 1: [12] Deleted
magnitude of the campaign increased
!
Page 1: [12] Deleted
magnitude of the campaign increased
!
Page 1: [12] Deleted
magnitude of the campaign increased
!
Page 1: [13] Comment [5]
This!might!not!be!the!right!fit,!as!the!power!of!recognizing!that!you!needed!to!face!
your!flaws!is!muted!by!you!calling!this!obvious.!Either!it!should!be!a!more!drawn!
out!process!before!you!come!to!this!realization!or,!you!should!be!more!hesitant!
about!it!(e.g.!"reluctantly,!I!decided!to!tackle!my!flaws!head!on.")!
Page 1: [14] Comment [6]
Alice Carson
10/25/15 1:30 AM
This!descriptor!doesn’t!fit!with!the!other!two,!as!internal!vacillation!would!have!
held!you!back!whereas!!the!other!two!were!contributing!to!your!success.!
Page 1: [15] Comment [7]
Alice Carson
10/25/15 1:27 AM
This!theme!needs!to!be!expanded!–!how!did!you!face!these!flaws,!what!did!you!do!to!
overcome!them?!In!fact,!I!strongly!believe!that!this!should!be!the!centralizing!theme!
of!your!essay!–!I’ll!address!that!some!more!down!below!in!my!feedback.!
Page 1: [16] Comment [8]
Alice Carson
10/25/15 1:55 AM
The!timeline!here!doesn’t!quite!make!sense.!You!ran!for!Secretary!General!in!your!
first!year?!But!what!about!the!first!conference?!Were!you!actually!a!freshman?!!
Page 1: [17] Deleted
Alice Carson
10/25/15 1:30 AM
from my school in Colorado initially lured by
!
Page 1: [17] Deleted
Alice Carson
10/25/15 1:30 AM
from my school in Colorado initially lured by
!
Page 1: [17] Deleted
Alice Carson
10/25/15 1:30 AM
from my school in Colorado initially lured by
!
Page 1: [17] Deleted
Alice Carson
10/25/15 1:30 AM
from my school in Colorado initially lured by
!
Page 1: [18] Deleted
Alice Carson
10/25/15 1:32 AM
Alice Carson
10/25/15 1:32 AM
Alice Carson
10/25/15 1:32 AM
Alice Carson
10/25/15 1:38 AM
never destroyed
!
Page 1: [18] Deleted
never destroyed
!
Page 1: [18] Deleted
never destroyed
!
Page 1: [19] Comment [9]
This!is!a!hyperbolic!metaphor,!and!I!would!strongly!suggest!changing!it.!!
Page 1: [20] Comment [10]
Alice Carson
10/25/15 1:33 AM
This!is!a!good!start!to!describe!how!you!addressed!that!flaw,!but!you!should!expand!
this!paragraph!to!discuss!how!the!campaign!!
Page 1: [21] Comment [11]
Alice Carson
10/25/15 1:40 AM
Is!knowledge!the!biggest!takeaway!from!your!experience,!or!is!it!the!fact!that!you!
faced!your!flaws?!It!seems!like!the!biggest!thing!that!did!as!well!was!to!give!you!
more!confidence!in!a!social!environment/change!your!approach!to!interacting!with!
other!people.!!
Page 1: [22] Comment [12]
Alice Carson
10/25/15 1:43 AM
You!can!also!shift!this!to!be!time!based!(i.e.!even!today....)!
Page 1: [23] Comment [13]
Alice Carson
10/25/15 1:37 AM
This!is!a!strong!framing!for!the!concluding!paragraph,!but!it!will!only!play!that!role!if!
you!rework!the!body!of!the!essay!to!address!the!first!two!of!those!three!flaws.!!
Page 1: [24] Deleted
Alice Carson
10/25/15 1:41 AM
Alice Carson
10/25/15 1:41 AM
Alice Carson
10/25/15 1:41 AM
.
!
Page 1: [24] Deleted
.
!
Page 1: [25] Comment [14]
Those!three!sentences!were!eliminated!because!you!already!convey!those!themes!in!
the!previous!paragraphs!
Page 1: [26] Comment [15]
Alice Carson
10/25/15 1:24 AM
Why!were!Connecticut!students!involved!if!this!conference!is!from!Connecticut?!And!
if!this!was!from!a!different!activity!that!MUN!was!a!foundation!for,!add!some!
clarification,!because!as!it!is!written!right!now,!it!looks!contradictory.!!
Page 1: [27] Comment [16]
Alice Carson
10/25/15 1:42 AM
Add!a!phrase!here!tying!this!thought!to!your!stated!fear!of!socialization.!!
Page 1: [28] Deleted
Alice Carson
10/25/15 1:42 AM
Alice Carson
10/25/15 1:42 AM
Alice Carson
10/25/15 1:42 AM
n
!
Page 1: [28] Deleted
n
!
Page 1: [28] Deleted
n
!
!