Sameness and Difference
The way that other people are different can be scary to us. We often
James 2. 1-8
want to avoid situations where we don’t know exactly what’s going on
The experience of difference can be quite scary. I can still remember
or where people are very different from us. It can make us feel
the feeling, as a child, of staying at another person’s house for the
insecure and unsure of ourselves.
first time. It is always a bit of a shock to realise that other people are
different, and that other people’s families are different. I remember
But there is also something very exciting about being a part of
going to stay at people’s places and being shocked that their parents
something completely new and foreign to us. That is why people love
let them stay up until10 O’Clock at night and watch the adult movies
to travel to different cultures and countries - to experience something
on TV. I remember thinking how amazing it was that when I stayed at
new, something different; a fresh way of seeing the world and of
some of my friends’ house, we got up on a Saturday morning and
seeing the way others live. I remember going to the Philippines and
watched the cartoons while the parents slept in late. I had never
enjoying learning about ways of living that were so different to my life.
realised that parents slept in - especially not mum’s. My mum was
I found it exciting and strangely freeing - I saw that there were lots of
always the first one up in my house.
ways of living and of being a human being, and that despite our
differences, we are also all very much the same underneath. We all
I had more of a sense of the shock of otherness the first time I stayed
want to laugh and have fun and we all enjoy being with other people.
on a Marae. I felt nervous the whole time, because I was never sure
So we are often pulled two ways in our lives - toward sameness and
of what I was supposed to be doing, and I was scared that I was
toward otherness.
going to be told off for getting it wrong. And there were so many new
experiences for me: the hongi, and kissing on the cheek of people I
The pull toward sameness is something I am sure you are all familiar
had never met, eating food that I had never really eaten before. It was
with. We often feel most comfortable with those who are like us and
also a shock to me to see people being so relaxed in front of other
who we understand. Often farm boys will hang out with farm boys.
people. On the marae people didn’t seem too concerned about how
Guys who like rock music often hang together. At your age it is quite
smartly they dressed, or how nice their manners were, or how well
common to identify strongly with a group of people who are like you.
everyone was behaved. Everyone was relaxed and being
In fact, it is quite common to conform to that group so strongly that
themselves. I wasn’t used to being like that in public. I was always
you will start to choose clothes, music, and even hairstyles that
taught to be on my best behaviour in public so that I didn’t embarrass
define who you are, based on what the group likes. Exhibit A:
my parents.
(see slide). I even tried to grow my hair out in the holidays and tried
that hairstyle for myself (next slide):
But there is also a pull towards otherness. There is an old saying:
I remember experiencing this quite clearly at Teachers’ College. In
Opposites attract. And I can tell you that was certainly true for me.
my class there was a guy called Blair who was very black and white
There is something very attractive about those who are unlike us and
and unexpressive. He thought that I was weird because I could be a
it’s their differences that make them attractive to us. On a purely
bit out there and a bit dramatic at times. And I thought he was
physical level, what we find attractive about girls is the things about
arrogant and boring and cold towards people. Needless to say, we
them that are different from us. But this is also true of personality
didn’t really get along at all - we didn’t like each other. Until the day
traits. We are often attracted to people who have very different
we did personality tests in class. We all did what is called the Meyers-
personality traits from us. If we are a safe person, we may find a risk
Briggs personality test. After doing the test, you are given a
taker attractive. If we are not particularly smart, we may find
description of your personality test. It’s a very fascinating test
intelligence very attractive. If we are an emotionally reserved person,
because when you are given your “type” you are also given a
we may find an emotionally expressive person very attractive. It’s as
description of what people of your type are like. And when you read
if we feel that we are incomplete and want to be with someone who
the description you often find yourself laughing out loud at how
balances us out and makes us more complete and rounded.
accurately the description fits you, often down to very small details like for me, the fact that I love to watch sad movies. As you do when
The flip side of opposites attracting is that opposites don’t really live
you do a personality test, we all began to swap our descriptions with
well together. The initial attraction to someone who is different can
each other to see how accurate they were. I happened to look at
put a lot of stress on a relationship when the desire for sameness
Blair’s description of his personality type, expecting it to say
kicks in. Lots of newly married or newly living together couples have
something like: “You are a dork and no one likes you.” Instead, it was
big fights over the differences they have about things. But if these
an accurate description of the way Blair is: that he prefers facts to
differences can be worked out and through love we are able to make
emotions - that he likes to see things clearly and make clear
room for the other person, then we are able to become better people
judgements about things. And I had an “Aha!” moment: Blair wasn’t
because of that. We come to appreciate those who are different from
arrogant or cold or boring, he was just being himself. I realised that
us and we come to appreciate the beauty and worth of a person who
he wasn’t being rude to me or anyone else - he just saw the world in
has a different point of view. And I think that’s why the world is the
very black and white ways - he was just different to me. We both
way it is - that’s why I think the world is full of so much variety and
laughed as we read each other’s descriptions and we were both
difference, and yet we all have to live together; it’s to make us realise
amazed that there could exist another member of the human race
that we need each other - that we are limited if we only see the world
who was so completely different from ourselves.
in our own particular way.
And after that, we became the best of friends. He and another guy
I do get bothered, though, when I hear of those who are different from
became my best friends on the course. He went from being the
the mainstream getting treated badly. Because that means that we
person I liked the least to being the person I liked the most. And it all
are acting out of fear of other people’s difference, and we are missing
happened because I began to appreciate his differences. I began to
out on the benefits that come from embracing the differences of
value his opinion and his perspective on things because I knew that it
others. And I would hope in this day and age, that we would be far
would be different from mine. We almost never agreed on anything -
more embracing of variety and difference than in years gone by.
but we came to really enjoy each other’s company and the difference
and “otherness” that we brought into each other’s life. And I think I
There are a few ways in which we are not living up to what we could,
became a better, more rounded person because of that.
as a school. Mahatma Gandhi said: "A nation's greatness is
measured by how it treats its weakest members.” If we measured our
I think God’s plan for the world is for the human race to become one,
school in that way, then I wonder if we would still think of Rathkeale
without us all becoming the same. Otherwise, we will destroy each
as a great school. I still see and hear too much name calling of those
other in our fear of each other’s differences. One of my favourite
who are different. Many of you will know what I am talking about. You
quotes comes from a French priest and Palaeontologist called
will know of that “funny name” that “everyone” calls that particular
Teilhard de Chardin, who said: Love is the only force which can make
boy. But it’s not OK. If you do it, even if you stand by and allow it to
things one without destroying them.
happen - you divide us, you let fear of difference rule here.
That’s why Jesus commands us to love one another. Because it
In particular, and the one that really irks me, and I think also gets to
makes us one - it unites us with those who are different from us,
many of your teachers, is racism. Any nicknames or treatment of a
without either of us having to give up our individuality or our
boy differently because of his race is completely beneath us as a
differences.
school. It is the kind of thing that people have given their lives to
overcome. And when I hear boys being racist around the school,
The challenge of difference and sameness is something we all face
even in ways that you think might be harmless or meant in a friendly
wherever we are in life. But nowhere is it more evident than in a
way, I wince, and I feel embarrassed and ashamed. And you should
school, where we are all thrown together from lots of different
too. We, as an Anglican school, more than any other school, should
backgrounds. And here at Rathkeale, we get along pretty well with
not have that kind of thing happening among us.
each other. But sometimes I wonder if that’s because there isn’t a lot
of difference at our school.
We, who are some of the most privileged, the luckiest, should
recognise the responsibility we have to each other - to have an
awareness of others - to recognise each other as fellow human
beings, of a single human race.
Let me finish with a reading form Philippians 2:
So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love,
any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete
my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full
accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit,
but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each
of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of
others