The Friend Zone Report
To e v e r y g u y w h o’s e v e r b e e n i n T h e F r i e n d Zo n e
and wants to make sure it never happens again.
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Dear Friend,
I used to spend so much time in the friend zone I could draw you a
map of it.
The pattern was always the same: I’d meet a girl, fall for her, and
become her friend hoping that someday she’d realize I was a great guy
for her.
Then, a few weeks or months later, she’d start talking to me about guys
she was interested in. At first I thought maybe she was just trying to
make me jealous, but eventually I’d have to admit she “just didn’t see
me that way”.
I was in the friend zone again.
The longer I’d wait, the harder it was to change. It was like our
“friendship dynamic” was a freight train getting more and more
momentum until it was impossible to turn around.
And for a long time, I’d simply do nothing to stop it.
Why?
I was paralyzed by fear.
At the time I probably would have told you that it was a fear of losing
the friendship, but if I was really honest with you (and with myself) I
would have to admit I was actually afraid of losing the illusion that I
had a chance with her.
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Finally, when I couldn’t take it anymore, I’d confess my love to the
woman only to have her tell me she “didn’t see me that way” or
“thought of me as a brother”. Ouch.
Meet another girl, rinse and repeat.
It got to the point where I’d actually expect this reaction but would tell
her how I felt anyway just so I could get the rejection over with and
start the process of moving on.
Needless to say, I was pretty depressed about my love life.
And the more depressed and discouraged I got, the harder it seemed to
get women interested in me at all.
You know how baseball players go into a “slump” or teams have
“losing streaks”? The more they lose, the lower their confidence, and
the lower their confidence, the more they lose.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Well that’s how I felt with women.
Except my losing streak had been going on for my entire life.
I needed a way to reverse the cycle.
I realized that things weren’t going to magically “change” just by
meeting the right person.
This was happening because of something I WAS DOING.
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And as hard as this was to admit to myself, it was also very liberating.
Because if something I was doing was causing me to end up in the
friend zone, then there must be something I could do to avoid it.
I started my own research.
I read every book, listened to every CD, and watched every DVD I
could get my hands on about how to attract women.
I came across a wide range of theories - many of them contradicting
each other - and tried them out FOR MYSELF to find out what worked
and what didn’t.
I also read hundreds of books on psychology, brain science, persuasion,
social skills, and drew on my knowledge of human behavior as an
actor, and as a former Zen Buddhist Monk (that’s another story).
I approached a LOT of women. I can’t even say how many but I can
quite confidently say I’ve been rejected by more women than most
people I know combined.
I was able to toss out what didn’t work and keep what did. I innovated,
always looking for a better way, a simpler way, a more authentic way.
It took me a while, but after a few years, I got good.
All of a sudden, I had CHOICE with women.
All of a sudden, hot women were competing for MY attention.
And other guys, seeing what I could do, asked me to teach them.
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I knew if I could help even ONE guy avoid the suffering that I went
through with women, the whole experience would be worth it.
That’s when the REAL work started.
Suddenly, it wasn’t enough for ME to get results. What mattered was
that my students got results.
For the past 15 years I’d been studying how to change.
And now I focused on the psychology of learning. Once again, I
poured through countless books and programs to learn as much as I
could about the best ways to teach and learn.
I learned how to set clear goals and break things down into easily
manageable chunks to learn one at a time. I discovered how people
have different learning styles and that by addressing each one, I could
get better results, quicker.
I learned how to avoid the typical “do this, don’t do that” way of
teaching and to work with a student in a way that built his confidence
rather than making him MORE self-conscious.
One thing I discovered through all of this, was:
The only way to get real lasting change in your ability to
attract women, is to address your HABITS
Let’s talk about habits for a minute.
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I’m going to ask you something right now that might seem a little
strange, but It’ll demonstrate something that’s essential for
understanding how habits can kill attraction.
Read these words out loud:
“gleebs”
“glupps”
It’s not a test.
Did you do it?
Good. Chances are, when you said the first word, you pronounced the
“s” as “zzzz”, and when you said the second word, you pronounced it
as “ssss”.
That’s because at some point, you learned UNCONSCIOUSLY that an
“s” following a “b” makes a “z” sound, and one following a “p” makes
an “s” sound.
You likely weren’t aware of this rule. You’ve probably never even
thought about it.
But nevertheless, you followed it.
What does this have to do with attracting women?
I’m glad you asked.
This particular rule is a language rule, but it simply demonstrates that
you follow rules that you’re not even aware of.
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This also applies to “social rules”. Rules that tell you, for example, how
to behave around a woman you’re interested in.
For a moment let’s go back to our “gleebs” and “glupps” example.
Suppose I told you that these words weren’t English. They were from a
language you’ve never heard of. How would you pronounce them
then?
If you knew nothing about this other language, you’d have no choice
but to pronounce them exactly the same.
You’d be applying a rule from one language to another - and you may
or may not be right.
This is exactly what happens when guys fall into the friend zone. They
habitually apply “rules” that might work for other situations - like
making a new friend or meeting a co-worker - to their interactions with
women.
And these rules don’t apply.
They often have the OPPOSITE effect of what you want.
If you keep finding yourself in the friend zone, this is exactly what’s
happening.
You’re following a set of rules UNCONSCIOUSLY, on how to get a
woman to like you that aren’t working. And since you’re not even
aware that you’re doing it, you can’t break them.
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How else do we learn these “rules”?
Applying a rule that works for one situation to another is one reason
we acquire habits that land us in the friend zone.
The other reason is that you explicitly learned the rule WRONG.
I’ll show you what I mean:
What social psychologists have found, is that we learn some things
from our experiences, but more than that...
...we learn by WATCHING others.
A Stanford professor named Dr. Albert Bandura first demonstrated this
by having kids watch a film of an adult physically abusing a clown
doll. The kids were then released into a play area where a similar doll
was waiting for them with the other toys.
You’ve probably already guessed that the kids went to town on the toy
clown just as they’d seen the adult do in the film.
They’d learned by imitation.
So let me ask you something:
How many times have you watched, from beginning to end, a man
successfully meet, attract and start dating a girl in real life?
If your answer is anything above zero, put the binoculars away and get
professional help.
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For the rest of you, let me ask you something else:
How many times have you watched this process in movies or on TV?
If you’re anywhere close to average, the answer is in the tens or
hundreds of thousands - even in the millions.
Even before you could speak you were soaking up informational
leftovers from your parents TV programs.
So your understanding of the “rules” of attracting women were fed to
you so early, you weren’t even aware of them. You just took them for
granted. I certainly did.
And guess what?
Movies and TV have attraction all wrong!
I know it’s hard to believe that movies and television would betray you
like this - but if it’s any consolation, they probably didn’t know any
better.
In “Movie and TV land Attraction,” 2 + 2 doesn’t equal 4. It doesn’t
even equal 5. It’s more along the lines of 2 + 2 = -36.
What works in movies and on TV is often the OPPOSITE of what
works in real life.
Yes, there are a few movies and TV shows which “get it” when it comes
to attraction, but these are the exception, not the rule. And since what
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they show is so foreign to us, we usually just think “that movie didn’t
make any sense. Why did she choose THAT guy?”
Our ideas about love and attraction are so skewed by movies and TV
but when we get into a situation with a woman, all those thousands of
pieces of information inform our decisions.
One thing I recommend to guys I’m working with is that they go on a
no TV diet for at least 30 days to clear their minds of all the negative
programming.
It won’t reverse things on its own, but it’s a good start.
Not ALL our habits come from imitation but when it comes to
attraction, popular entertainment is our biggest source of information.
Regardless, if you don’t know what your habits are, you don’t have a
choice. You’ll just go on repeating them over and over.
The first step to changing the habits which are KILLING
attraction is simply to become aware of them.
I’ve identified the ten most common habits men have that are
RUINING their chances of a sexual or romantic relationship with the
women they desire.
Some of them will sound familiar, others perhaps not so much.
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My goal in writing this is not to get you to change these things
immediately. You may not be ready to change or you may not agree
with them. But at least if you’re aware of them, you’ll have a choice.
All I ask is that you try to keep an open mind and THINK about what
I’ve written down for you.
Make a mental note of which of these habits resonate most with you
and revisit this report often.
Enjoy!
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Habit #1: Trying To Make “Friends First”
Whether they’re trying to show a woman that they’re not “just out for
sex” or they’re just scared to be rejected, a lot of guys are in the habit of
trying the “friends first” strategy. They completely de-sexualize their
interactions thinking that the woman will be impressed that they’re
being such a gentleman.
After all, in MOST situations, this is a good idea.
But what do you think a woman’s more likely to fantasize about: the
guy who sweeps her off her feet and unleashes her inner sexual
animal? Or the guy who shows her so much respect he wouldn’t dare
touch her or try to kiss her?
Women don’t respect guys who don’t have the courage to “go for it”.
By setting a sexual-romantic frame right from the beginning, she’ll be
thinking of you in a whole different way.
And the longer you act like her “friend” the deeper in the friend zone
you get, and the harder it is to find your way out.
So don’t be afraid to be sexual and upfront with your intentions.
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Habit #2: Looking To HER To Lead
Unsure of what to do, a lot of guys take their cues off the woman
they’re interested in. What does SHE want to do? Where does SHE
want to go for dinner?
For a woman, this is frustrating. Her sex drive is wired to respond to
leadership. And when you LEAD, she feels like a woman.
Even if a woman “likes” the feeling of control it gives her, it is
IMPOSSIBLE for her to feel that irresistible, animal attraction that
makes her want to tear your clothes off.
She’ll like you for giving her the control, she just won’t respect you for
it. And she DEFINITELY won’t get turned on by it.
When a guy asks me “how do I know if a girl’s into me?”, it tells me
that his mindset is all wrong. He’s not leading. He’s looking for her to
give him a green light BEFORE he makes his move.
But confidence isn’t about only making a move when it’s really safe.
It’s about knowing that ATTRACTION IS A PROCESS that you can
lead a woman through.
It’s just like a “Human Mating Dance,” you take the lead, you walk her
through the steps, and just like that, she becomes attracted to you.
Don’t wait until it’s safe: Lead, Lead, Lead!
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Habit #3: Trying To Appeal To Her “Human Mind”
When we want to convince someone we’re right about something, we
use logic. In job interviews we try to convince the interviewer that WE
are the best choice. We are in the habit of trying to persuade others
using logic and reason.
But guess what?
You can’t convince a woman to feel something for you, because
attraction doesn’t respond to logic and reason. Attraction is a DRIVE,
similar to the drives we have for food, water, and sleep.
And our drives are located deep inside our brains in what I call the
Animal Mind.
The Animal Mind is what makes us crave junk food when we know it’s
bad for us. It’s what makes us choose to sit on the couch and watch TV
when we know we’d be better off if we got some exercise.
The Animal Mind is much more powerful than the Human Mind (That’s
why there are so many books on dieting and weight loss).
If you want to date her, you need to learn how to speak to her Animal
Mind. You have to learn what it responds to. And you need to let go of
trying to show her that you’re great “boyfriend material”.
So if you want to avoid the friend zone for good, let go of the habit of
thinking logically about attraction and start doing what WORKS.
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Habit #4: Thinking That What Appeals To YOU
Will Also Appeal To HER.
A man’s sex drive gets turned on by physical beauty.
Your Animal Mind values a great body and pretty face because those
things signal health and fertility - which, if you mate with her - will
give your offspring the best chance to survive and thrive.
But women are wired a little different.
For women, looks are not NEARLY as important!
I know this first hand - I went through a time before I understood
attraction where I hit the gym HARD and got the body I’d always
dreamed about.
I had abs, and I had pecs. And I looked better than I ever had in my
life.
I did not, however, have a girlfriend or any women interested in me.
When I started to have success with women, I was in OK shape, but I
looked nothing like I did before.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s great to go to the gym for your physical and
mental health, but if you’re going purely for vanity (which I was)
you’re wasting your time.
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A woman’s Animal Mind values personality and character traits much
more. And the traits which they respond to are things like your
decisiveness, how in control you are, and your ability to lead.
If you think you’re not good-looking enough for a woman, get over it.
If you have a strong enough personality and character it doesn’t matter.
Habit #5: Giving Her Too Much Certainty
In movies and on TV, a girl will fall in love with a guy when he
convinces her how much he needs her and that he can’t live without
her.
But take it from someone who’s all but driven to the airport to stop a
woman from getting on a plane to tell her I loved her, this is NOT how
the real world works.
Why not?
Because while we all want certainty later on in a relationship, in the
beginning we need a level of UNcertainty to feel attraction.
Sounds weird huh?
Aren’t we all trying to AVOID uncertainty?
Well, not all the time.. Think about it for a second: would you watch
sports if you knew for sure who was going to win and what was going
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to happen every time? You’re HOPING your team wins, but a good
game is one where you’re not sure who will win up until the very end.
Isn’t part of the excitement of watching a movie the uncertainty about
what’s going to happen? Yes, by the end of the movie you’re hoping
the hero will be safe, but if nothing went wrong in two hours, it would
be a pretty boring movie.
Without uncertainty, there’s no EXCITEMENT.
And with no excitement, there’s no romance.
And women crave excitement and romance.
Also, when a woman knows for sure that you feel really strongly for
her early on, she starts to feel PRESSURE. And pressure KILLS
attraction.
She starts worrying that she’s going to hurt you, so she’s more likely to
just cut it off and say “let’s just be friends” rather than risk leading you
on and hurting you more later.
So it’s ok to express interest in a woman early on, just don’t give her
the impression that you’re totally sold on her.
A good attitude for attracting a woman is, “I’m interested but not sold”
Subtly conveying this to a woman will beat out certainty any day of the
week.
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Habit #6: Using The “Wrong” Kind Of Humor
Everyone knows that women are all looking for a guy with a great
sense of humor. Even Marilyn Munroe said:
“If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything.”
I love that quote, but it’s only HALF true.
If it was, Marilyn would have been dating the funniest comedians of
the time.
But she wasn’t.
Who was she sleeping with?
She was having an affair with JFK - One of the most powerful leaders
in the world.
So a sense of humor is important for attracting women, but it has to be
the right KIND of humor.
What most people don’t know, is that there’s a specific kind of humor
that turns women on, and a kind of humor that turns them off.
There are a few differences between the two, but the biggest difference
is in your intention:
In their efforts to make a woman laugh, most guys unconsciously
signal that they’re trying to impress her or get her to like them. And
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this makes it IMPOSSIBLE for her to feel anything other than
friendship for them.
Men that do well with women use a completely different kind of
humor. They take bigger risks, and they’re not afraid of creating
tension with their humor. They tease. A guy like this jokes around in a
way that communicates to a woman that he’s completely comfortable
with himself and not out to impress anybody.
This kind of humor displays massive confidence and puts you in the
position of leader that triggers a woman’s deepest cravings.
It’s the closest thing to a silver bullet I’ve ever seen for meeting women,
turning them on, and having them see YOU as a confident, sexy man.
Habit #7: Focusing On WHAT You Say More Than
HOW You Say It.
Since Body Language speaks directly to a woman’s Animal Mind, it’s as
important for triggering a woman’s sex drive, as a nice body and face
are for a man’s.
When you’re around other people, everything you do communicates
something about you: the way you sit, stand, walk, and talk - the way
you reach for your coffee mug or tap your foot to the music, all these
tell people how you see yourself, what your intentions are, and how
you’re feeling.
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Are you aware of all the signals you’re sending out? Or are you letting
your habits do your speaking for you?
Most guys are doing at least a few things they’re not aware of that
signal that they don’t have those characteristics that a woman’s animal
mind craves.
These days, the guy that gets the girl in movies is usually awkward,
nervous, and just plain weak with his body language.
I cringe when I see movies like this because I can imagine the millions
of men who will use it as an example of how to behave.
In the real world, strong eye contact, slowing down, not fidgeting, and
speaking just a little louder than you think is necessary are just a few of
the things that will go a LONG WAY to conveying confidence and
leadership.
They will change not only how others perceive you, but how you
perceive yourself. In other words, just by acting as if you’re a confident
leader, you’ll start to feel like one.
If you want to make these positive traits habitual, you need to focus on
them one at a time. You can take a week and work on each one in turn.
You can also practice each one of them in front of the mirror.
I can’t stress enough how important body language and particularly
these four things are for attracting women.
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Habit #8: Holding Back Your Opinion
Have you ever censored yourself around a woman you’re attracted to
because you didn’t want to express an opinion she might disagree
with? I certainly have. I’ve even been on the verge of saying I liked a
certain movie when the woman I was with said she didn’t - and I
completely changed what I was going to say to match her.
Not only is this an attraction KILLER but you stop respecting yourself
when you do this.
Eventually it can get to the point where you don’t even know what you
like since you’ve made such a habit of cueing your tastes of what other
people like.
Get in the habit of giving your opinion FIRST, without looking to see if
the woman approves. You can also practice disagreeing occasionally.
She’ll be much more interested in a guy who doesn’t share all her
opinions but who challenges them from time to time, than she will
with a guy who always agrees.
Habit #9: (Not So) Subtle Boasting
As adults, we think that we don’t boast.
But we all do, we’re just more subtle about it; we steer conversations
towards topics we know a lot about in order to sound impressive. We
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ask someone if they’ve ever been to Africa hoping they ask us back so
we can tell them about our volunteer work there. We show off our cars,
our watches, and our big vocabularies.
Here’s the problem with that strategy:
While you’re busy telling her Human Mind all the reasons she should
be attracted to you, you’re showing her Animal Mind that you don’t
have what it needs.
A woman’s animal mind doesn’t care about your resume. It only wants
to know if you’re confident and if you’re a good leader. And you can’t
just tell it - you have to PROVE it.
Does that make sense to you?
Anything attractive about you will be overshadowed by the fact that
you need her to see it.
It’s like guys with nice bodies who walk around without a shirt all the
time. Sure, some women like muscular bodies, but the fact that a guy
needs to show it betrays an insecurity that turns her off.
Here’s an exercise you can try: Write down all those things which
you’d like a woman to know about you when you first meet her.
You might put your job, the places you’ve travelled, the school you
went to, or the fact that you volunteer with orphans.
Done?
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Ok, now underneath your list I want you to write in big letters:
THESE THINGS ARE NOT WHAT MAKE ME ATTRACTIVE.
Now next time you meet a woman you’re attracted to, make a decision
NOT to reveal these things about yourself unless you absolutely have
to. Avoid her questions using humor. Give half-answers and then
change the subject.
This may be a little scary for you because you’ve probably spent a long
time thinking that these are the only things you have going for you, but
trust me. You have much more - you’re a man and that’s enough for
any woman.
Habit #10: Not Having a Plan
You’ve probably heard the saying “Failing to plan, is planning to fail.”
And it’s never been more true than with attracting women.
If you have no clear plan on how to meet and attract a woman, you
won’t be relying on instinct, you’ll be relying on HABIT. You’ll be
doing things the way you’ve always done them... and you’ll get the
results you’ve always gotten.
The force of habit is so strong you need to have a plan to consciously
do something different to make sure she sees you as a MAN, not just a
friend.
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When you break things down and work on them one at a time, you’ll
find that the whole process is not that difficult. Anyone can learn to
approach women. Anyone can learn to spark attraction. Anyone can
learn to get phone numbers, dates, kisses and to lead things to sex.
Put all these things together and you’ve got a pretty solid plan to keep
yourself out of the friend zone forever.
Bonus: The 11th Habit...
There’s actually one more habit I want to talk about right now but I’ve
kept it separate because it applies to your success in all areas of life, not
just with women.
It’s the habit of “not taking action”.
This is the worst habit of all and we all fall into it from time to time.
When you first meet a woman you’re attracted to, the longer you wait
to take action and set up a romantic-sexual dynamic, the harder it
becomes, and the more she starts to see you as a friend.
Whether it’s approaching that cute girl on the bus, or going for a kiss
when the moment’s right, I can guarantee you won’t have any success
if you don’t take action.
The easiest way out of the friend zone is not to end up there in the first
place.
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So if any of the habits in this report sound familiar, get on top of them
BEFORE you meet the next girl, or before you’ve gone too far with the
one you’re interested in now. If you’ve made some of these mistakes
already, it’s not necessarily too late, but it won’t get any better if you do
nothing.
But it’s never too late to change a habit.
So start today. Start right now in fact.
Do one little thing to start improving. Get in the habit of taking action
and before you know it, you’ll have more success than you could even
imagine.
If you only get this ONE THING out of this report, it was worth it for
me to write it. I sincerely hope you take out and implement what
you’ve learned.
It took me many years and a lot of mistakes to learn this stuff, and if I
can help you avoid some of the difficulties that I’ve had - and give you
even a fraction of the joy I’ve gotten from my dating adventures and
wonderful relationships, then I have done my job.
et out there and implement what you’ve learned.
I’ll talk to you soon.
To your social success,
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Zach Browman
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