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Avier SNOOZE
Saint Xavier High School • Louisville, Kentucky
Vol. X • No. 1 • April 1, 2014
INSIDE
Oaks Day Holiday
Cancelled
Google Glass to Replace iPads
Snow Day will be made up May 2
page 6
Intramural ‘Rock,
Paper, Scissors’
leagues forming
page 8
Amlung to
Retire
S
A
fter a long journey, Mr. Dan Amlung has finally made the decision to retire at the end of this school
year.
“I have worn down over the years,
so this decision was an easy one, once
I saw the warning signs,” said Mr.
Amlung. “It’s time for me to move
on and veer off my usual path. I feel
like I have been spinning my wheels,
and it’s starting to really wear on my
mind. I need a big change in my life.”
Some students did not take the
news well. “I can’t believe Mr. Amlung is retiring,” said Quentin Gleitz.
“I thought he had a lot of mileage
left.”
Others were more excited. “Amlung’s retiring? Thank goodness. He
needed to retire years ago,” said Paxton Duff. “Those donuts of his are unhealthy.”
The retiring is just the first step
in the transformation he is planning.
“With new tires, I will be able to
get new spinners, and since I saved
money at Big O Tires, I will be able
to meet Xzibit, and hopefully he can
get the guys from his TV show back
so they can customize my ride,” said
Mr. Amlung.
Mr. Amlung is throwing himself
a retirement party at the Big O Tires
store in Fern Creek on the first day of
summer break.
t. X remains one step ahead of all
other schools in the state. We led
the way two years ago by adopting
iPads. And now that other schools are
beginning to catch up with iPad technology, St. X will stay ahead of the
curve by distributing Google Glass
to all students in order to be more eco
friendly and to maximize efficiency.
St. X will donate old iPads to a school
in need: Trinity.
The modern classrooms will now
be stripped of all unnecessary books
and materials. Classrooms will only
have desks, and each student will receive a pair of Google Glass to use for
the year.
Don’t get any ideas, though. The
St. X administration can monitor everything you look at through Google
Glass. Students will be required to
read textbooks and do assignments
by means of their Google Glass, with
no breaks or option of removing the
glasses. Students must wear their
Google Glass during every period, except lunch, and will automatically be
given a week of JUG if they remove
the glasses during instruction.
There is a zero tolerance policy
on playing games during the school
day as well, and any student found
playing games will be automatically
expelled.
In addition to all of the great
things Google Glass adds to the classroom, it also brings many benefits to
the hallways. Google Glass includes
a navigation device along with AntiCollision Technology™ that will
make a walk through the T between
classes safe, peaceful and effortless.
Anonymous Donors Purchase
Naming Rights to 119
A
group of five former students has
purchased the naming rights to
room 119, and they have chosen to
name it after the person they had the
closest relationship with while at St.
X, Mr. Arnold Drury.
“At first,” said one of the donors,
who agreed to speak with Xavier
Snooze only if we promised not to reveal his identity, “we thought about
buying the rights to name his office.
But we decided that naming room 119
was more appropriate because we had
all spent even more time there than
in Mr. Drury’s office, and this way,
it will be more visible to the student
body at large.”
An investigation of old school records (which, as we all know, follow
you throughout your life) revealed
that each of the six students served an
average of three JUGs per week during the four years they were enrolled
at St. X. Two of them had to return to
St. X after graduation to finish serving accumulated detentions, and one
of them still owes the school two
hours. (The Supreme Court has verified that newspapers are not obligated
to reveal their sources, so we will not
be turning that person in. Of course,
that’s a moot point because Mr. Drury
is fully aware of that former student’s
identity, and if he ever sets foot on this
campus again, he will be apprehended
by the powerlifting team and held in
room 119 until he has served-out his
full sentence.)
“I am humbled by this honor,” Mr.
Drury said. “Room 119 has always
been my favorite place in the school
to spend time in quiet meditation.”
2
NEWS
April 1, 2014
Downs to Join Cast of Janes is New Bachelorette
S
Big Bang Theory
T
he popular CBS comedy show
Big Bang Theory has decided to
make a change to its current cast.
“We were lacking energy and
brains on the show,” said cast member
Jim Parsons. “We needed a brilliant
man who could bring a whole new
mind set and have good chemistry
with the other cast members.”
The show has hired St. X teacher
Mr. Gil Downs to join the cast next
season.
“It was a hard choice to make,”
claims Mr. Downs, “but I had the support of my fellow teachers and stu-
dents to help me make my decision to
join the show.”
The director of the show says that
Mr. Downs doesn’t just bring an intelligent side, but also a very clever and
humorous side that the show lacked.
“Adding Downs to the cast is a guaranteed formula for success,” he said.
“I’ve already written some great
jokes and ideas that I’m ready to
share with the cast,” proclaimed Mr.
Downs. “My main goal is to attract a
lot more young viewers who can have
a good time learning about science
while watching the show.”
Tronzo Shines in
The Voice Audition
S
t. X Strength and Conditioning Coach Mr. Joe Tronzo
journeyed to Nashville recently to
audition for NBC’s hit show The
Voice. However, no one in Louisville knew of his journey because
he auditioned under the alias of
Mike Honcho. He sang an a-cappella version of Miley Cyrus’s
“Wrecking Ball.”
Judge Blake Shelton was impressed: “His voice is amazing—
a blend of Justin Bieber and Bob
Dylan. It may be even better than
my own!” It was the new judge,
Shakira, who earned the honor to
coach Tronzo’s husky voice.
“I used to have posters of Shakira in my room when I was in high
school,” Coach Tronzo admitted.
“She was my favorite; I’m really
pumped about working with her.”
According to Shakira, “His
voice sounded like that of a newborn faun making its first cry in
this great big world. He also taught
me the key points to a power clean,
which really helped me improve
the explosiveness in my perforCoach Tronzo will be coached by Shakira
mances.”
Coach Tronzo will soon head to to Vanilla Ice,” he told Xavier Snooze
Hollywood to participate in the com- in an exclusive interview.
petition in hopes of winning it all.
We wish Coach Tronzo the best
“I have chosen a wide variety of in his journey to stardom and hope he
songs ranging from Hank Williams Sr. can win it all!
t. X Spanish teacher Ms. Paige Janes
has been selected to be the Bachelorette in the next installment of the hit
ABC-TV show, which premieres on May
19.
The show follows the same rules as
the show it was spun-off from, The Bachelor. A pool of 25 single men try to impress the bachelorette, who is looking for
a potential husband. Each of the previous
eight seasons of The Bachelorette have
ended with a proposal. The bachelorette
is free to accept or decline the proposal,
but thus far two of the proposals have led
to marriage.
Ms. Janes will be subjecting her suitors to high standards.
“First of all,” she said, “he will have
to be bilingual and to be okay with having puro el español days [all Spanish
language days]. Second, I expect him to
keep his cell phone cerrado during our
romantic dates. Third, on Sunday nights
he will be expected to watch Revenge with me, take notes and have a meaningful discussion about the show afterward. I also want a muchacho who prefers
fútbol over football. And he must take me to a Mexican restaurant at least three
nights per week—and I mean an authentic Mexican restaurant, not Qdoba or
Taco Bell!”
Freshman Lunch to be Graded
F
reshmen are going to have even
more on their plate when they
come to St. X next August. Starting
in the 2014–15 school year, all health
classes will be monitoring what their
students are eating during their lunch
periods. Freshmen will be graded
based on the nutritional value of their
lunches.
“Healthy eating is essential to
having a healthy life,” said Coach
Wagoner. “It’s important that freshmen realize how helpful or destructive their eating habits can be.”
When freshmen swipe their ID
cards at the end of the line, their purchase will be recorded and sent to Edline for evaluation. At the start of each
week, students start with 100 points,
and they will then progressively lose
points depending on their choices.
For example, adding dressing to your
green salad will cost you 10 points,
a slice of pizza will cost you 20, and
anything from the candy machine will
cost you 30. Freshmen will not be al-
XAvier
SNOOZE
Xavier Snooze is a publication
of Saint Xavier High School, 1609
Poplar Level Road, Louisville KY
40217. Web: www.saintx.com
All contents copyright © 2014
by Saint Xavier High School. All
rights reserved.
Faculty Advisor
Stephen Glass
Any resemblance between this
publication and an actual newspaper
is purely coincidental.
lowed to bring their lunch; they must
have a Meal Plan.
“That is tyranny,” said senior Colin Sullivan. “Students have the right
to be as incredibly obese as they want.
I’m glad they weren’t grading lunches
when I was a freshman.”
At the end of the year, freshmen
can expect a rigorous final exam,
where they have to choose to sit at
a table that is filled with tater tots,
candy corn, cookie dough and hot
tamales, or sit at a table with collard
greens, Brussels sprouts and kiwifruit.
Students who are reluctant to eat
healthily and fail the class because
of their poor eating decisions will
be forced to attend a 9-week class in
the forests of New Hampshire, where
they will have to live off the land until
they pass the course.
This new system is an exciting
step forward for the health of new
students at St. X, and it is expected to
change the eating habits of students
for generations to come.
Letters to the Editor
Xavier Snooze is not interested
in your opinion, but if you feel compelled to write us a letter, please observe these guidelines:
1. The newspaper reserves the
right to edit letters to reflect our own
ideas and attitudes.
2. Letters must conform to the
newspaper’s editorial policies—except we don’t have any.
3. Letters should avoid conveying
information or having a point.
4. Name and student number must
accompany the letter.
Letters may be dropped off in any
of the recycling bins on campus.
ON CAMPUS
3
April 1, 2014
Beck Sent to Crimea Cheek to Teach
to Oust Russians
Vampire Hunting
A
Will Lead Black Ops Unit
lthough Mr. Robert Beck has
never been in the military, that
didn’t stop him from accepting a request to take over SEAL Team 6’s invasion of Crimea to oust the Russian
invaders.
“Senator
Mitch
McConnell
sent me the call to duty,” Beck said.
“Through all my studies of American
politics, I have found that there is no
better politician than Mr. McConnell.
I’m incredibly proud that Mitch is not
only my representative but also my
personal friend.”
Beck’s weapon of choice is Gladius, a wooden replica of a Roman
legionnaire’s sword. However, he will
also be carrying a Civil-War-era canon strapped to his back.
“I don’t need all that technological stuff and weapons of mass destruction,” Beck said. “I’ll show those
Russians how a real war is fought.”
For students in Beck’s class, don’t
expect much of a change while your
teacher is abroad. The army is sending
in a drill sergeant to temporarily fill
Beck’s role.
New App: Flappy Todd
W
henever football, Health and Physical Education are involved, Coach
Todd Walsh immediately comes to mind.
The tech people at St. X have combined their efforts with Gears Studios to
recreate the popular game “Flappy Bird” by introducing “Flappy Todd.” This
basic, yet difficult, game of elusion is bound to make a serious impact on the
App Store market, while keeping students occupied with beating their own
score.
The object of the game is simple: maneuver Flappy Todd through various
sports equipment such as shoulder pads, baseball bats, hockey sticks, tennis
rackets, bowling balls and soccer cleats!
In the past, popular games have only lasted weeks before their popularity began to die. Flappy Todd is guaranteed to be a hit for years to come.
Creators have added such features as
Flappy Todd screaming catch phrases
as he accomplishes a high score. Gamers can expect to hear popular phrases
such as, “Hey, really?” and “POWERADE” regularly. Students all over the school will
soon be able to enjoy Coach Walsh
in an entirely different light. He is the
man, the myth, the legend; he is Flappy Todd.
Protective P.E. Gear Announced
B
ecause some Physical Education classes
have been plagued with injuries, the St.
X administration has decided to add some
padding to the required P.E. clothing. Starting immediately after Spring Break, P.E.
students will have their elbows, knees and
torsos protected by a layer of bubble wrap.
This new addition to the P.E. uniform
is expected to decrease the amount of injuries that normally happen in the gym or on
the field. Dangerous physical games such
as dodgeball, basketball and even flashball
have forced the St. X administration to make
a response. Rather than getting rid of these
traditional games, it was decided to make
them safer and thus more enjoyable by providing freshman with a layer of protection.
S
t. X English teacher Mrs. Deborah Cheek will teach a vampire hunting
course starting with the 2014–15 school year.
“My great-grandfather was Professor Abraham Van Helsing,” Mrs. Cheek
confirmed. “So hunting vampires is in my blood.”
With the help of her wolfhound, Renfield, Mrs. Cheek spends her summers
slaying vampires in Transylvania through her side business, “Stakes R Us,” and
now she wants to use these experiences to train a new generation of vampire
hunters. She will teach vampire slaying as well as vampire prevention.
“This is a course that students should really be able to sink their teeth into,”
said Dr. Sarah Watson, St. X Assistant Principal for Studies.
“People think I’m bats for doing this,” said Mrs. Cheek, who has had to line
the windows and doors in her home with garlic to protect herself from vampires
as well as from disgruntled students. “But it needs to be done.”
Swag Class
E
very year, the St. X administration looks into adding new
classes that will help the students’
life now and down the road. A new
addition to the list of St. Xavier electives is Swag Class.
Homework will consist of visiting upscale clothing stores (e.g.,
Lord and Taylor) and reading GQ
magazine in order to stay current
with new styles that can be incorporated into the students’ wardrobe.
On Friday, each student will
“dress to impress” for a grade. It gives
students a chance to look nice and
presentable.
“This class will give St. X students a more respectable look, both
in school and outside of the campus,”
said St. X Principal Mr. Frank Espinosa. “More and more people will be
impressed with the quality of St. X.”
He added that to have swag you
must conform to dress-code rules:
pants pulled up, belts tightened, collars buttoned and shirts tucked in.
Hip-hop styles do not qualify.
The class, which will be taught by
Mr. Joe Kroh, will also help St. X guys
look presentable to ladies, so check it
out; it will help you in more ways than
one! And always remember, SWAG!
Austin Chambers models what the welldressed St. X student will be wearing
next year.
4
ATHLETICS
April 1, 2014
St. X Adds Curling
Team
day afternoon. Many of the potential
P
lans have been made by the athletic department to begin preparations for the St. X Curling Team. After
the rise in the sport’s popularity due
to the Winter Olympics in Sochi, the
opportunity presented itself to pursue
the obscure Canadian spectacle and
create a groundbreaking program in
the region.
The main issue facing the infant
program is the lack of other teams to
compete with in the surrounding area.
To solve this problem, the team will
take trips every weekend to compete
against teams in Canada. To make
the journey in time, the team will be
required to leave school after lunch
every Friday, and return on Mon-
players expressed disappointment at
missing so much school, but with so
much passion and dedication to the
sport, they are willing to do whatever
it takes.
In order to bolster confidence
and popularity for the sport, several
changes will be made on campus for
the new athletes. Starting on the first
day of November, the tennis courts
will be converted into curling rinks
to be used for practice. Synthetic ice,
a modern combination of chemicals
allowing ice to form above freezing
temperatures, will be used in order
to extend the practice season as long
as possible. Since the tennis season
runs during the warmer months, and
the courts sit dormant
most of the winter,
hoses will be taken to
the clay at the immediate outset of the tennis
season, and the Curling Tigers will take to
the ice, thus maximizing the efficiency of
the school’s athletic
facilities.
Bass Fishing Team
has Low Expectations
Hilbert Declares
for NBA Draft
E
veryone has talked about how loaded this year’s upcoming NBA draft will
be, and another name has been added to the star-studded list: Coach Jed
Hilbert.
On February 27, 2014, Mr. Hilbert nailed a shot from the scorer’s table at
Wills Arena during halftime of the 26th district championship between St. X
and Male. WDRB’s video of the shot went viral, catching the attention of numerous NBA scouts, many of whom believe that Hilbert is a contender for the
first overall pick.
“I practiced my whole life for that one shot,” Hilbert said. “When I wasn’t
helping kids improve their standardized test scores, I was out on the court
working on my game.”
When asked to evaluate his own game, Hilbert said, “I’ve got a little bit of
everything. I can pass like Magic, shoot like Bird, and even dunk like Jordan!
I’d be shocked if I don’t go number-one. I’m a can’t-miss prospect!”
To see WDRB’s video of Mr. Hilbert’s historic shot, visit http://www.wdrb.
com/category/163829/fox-41-video?clipId=9893726&autostart=true. (This is
no joke!)
Freshman Distance
Runners Missing
T
T
he St. X Bass Fishing Team is getting ready to compete in the first annual
Pastorius Bass Tournament, to be held on April 5 at Wooten Lake in Nashville. Celebrity judges will include Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Gene
Simmons from Kiss, and the members of Spinal Tap.
“We have several bass virtuosos on the team who know how to get down
when it comes to landing a bass,” commented team coach Mr. Matt Yarborough.
Teams are awarded points based on the number of basses landed as well
as for the biggest catch of the day. “We are hoping to snag a full-size acoustic
bass,” Yarborough said, “but you don’t see many of those anymore.”
Landing a tuba, contrabassoon or (especially) bass trombone does not
count in this tournament, even though in some states those are recognized as
being part of the bass family.
“A tuba!? Are you kidding me?” said tournament director Geddy Lee of
Rush. “That not a bass! Where’s the volume control?”
Extra points are also awarded for catching 5- or 6-string basses. “Hooking
a vintage Fender bass takes a great deal of precision,” Coach Yarborough commented. “They like to hang out at the bottom-end of the lake.”
Being on this team requires dedication and skill. “You don’t get an E for
effort,” Coach Yarborough said. “You have to bring your A game or you’ll get
slapped with a D in this G-rated activity.”
he freshmen Track Team distance runners have been missing
for over a week. They were last seen
heading into Seneca Park on their daily 4-mile run.
“If those guys ended up in Cherokee Park, we may never see them
again,” said senior Ben Metzger. “That
place is crazy; I got lost myself the
first time I ran there. Luckily, I found
my way out after a couple of hours.”
No one missed the freshmen for
nearly a week, until Mr. Scheler noticed that the same guys had been
absent several days in a row. A team
of faculty members was sent out to
search the park, but so far, they have
not been sighted.
But a new theory has presented itself. Mr. Frank Hulsman was able to
pick up a signal from the GPS on one of the runners’ iPhones, and it indicated
that they may have made a left turn somewhere around Hogan’s Fountain and
headed south on Bardstown Road.
“By this time,” Mr. Hulsman said, “they could easily have made it to Bullitt County.”
Bullitt County police confirmed that several runners were seen entering
Bernheim Forest last week, but were never seen leaving. By now, the runners’
cell phone batteries are all probably dead, but if anyone should hear from one
of them, please call Student Services immediately.