Berklee Onion
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November 9, 2016
Senator Richard Burr (R, NC) to
Legally Change His Name
Blythe Schulte
“these are all traits of a great leader.”
Additionally, Burr resents his current first
name, Richard, because it reminds him
of King Richard III of Great Britain. He
openly resents “Mother England” and
did not support Brexit solely because
Britain was “previously contained.” His
logic stunned many intelligent Brexit
supporters.
Burr’s stance on #CAExit is quite firm.
He believes that Californians have
unbearable accents, and therefore,
should secede from the union, by force
if necessary.
Burr also intends to adopt a kitten and
name her Theodosia, after the late
Aaron Burr’s mistress, then wife.
The old Burr with the new Burr, photo
comparison by Schle Unga, September
12, 2016
Senator Richard Burr (pictured right)
recently announced after winning a seat
in the Senate that he will change his
name to Aaron Burr (namesake pictured
left.) Burr is commemorating the honor
of his late ancestor, Aaron Burr, who
shot and killed Alexander Hamilton in a
duel in 1804.
Aaron Burr took his Senate seat from
the incumbent Phillip Schuyler
(Hamilton’s father-in-law.) Senator
Richard Burr regards Aaron Burr as a
“role-model in all facets of life.”
Burr says he will change his name
because of his late ancestor’s “lack of
public opinion, failure to be decisive,
and elitist complex.” In Burr’s interview
with the Washington Post, he said:
Many fans of “Hamilton” the musical and
fans of the founding father, Alexander
Hamilton, are outraged at this decision,
as the late Burr, was, in fact, a
murderer.
Richard Burr will change his name on
July 11, 2017, to honor the day that
Aaron Burr escaped from the Senate
after fatally wounding Alexander
Hamilton.
Election Thoughts
Caitlyn Savari
Hey USA. WHAT’S GOING ON? So far,
that’s all I’ve been hearing for DAYS.
Trump. Hillary. Trump. Hillary. Trump.
Hillary. Trump. Hillary. That’s it. For
weeks I’ve heard everyone’s opinions of
each candidate and all I can think of is
what I should eat for lunch. It’s
Berklee Onion
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November 9, 2016
everywhere. On the tongues of braggers
and committed citizens, on the windows
of every store on Newbury street,
stickers that read “I Voted!” on the
chests of my proud patriotic friends. It’s
like the plague! There’s nowhere to run!
You can’t escape it. I can’t escape it.
Anytime the topic comes up, I just close
my eyes and sigh. Politics never
bothered me before. In Malaysia, it’s
rigged and the people don’t really have
a voice. That’s what I’m used to but in
America? Oh. My. GOD. I just can’t
handle it! I’ve only been an American all
of a year and I’m expected to decide
who’ll run this country? Are you crazy! I
don’t belong here. I don’t know anything
about this place. Just because I’m
American I should vote? Disregard the
fact I’ve never lived here until recently,
and don’t even know much about the
candidates? This year was new to me.
Election day was new to me. The
debates and media coverage of USA
politics were new to me. The amount of
time and energy the world invested on
the US elections and it’s results
astounded me. I know now to always
prepare myself for that dreaded
question. “Where’s your vote?”
At first I didn’t mind the question. It was
a simple one. “Are you voting?” I never
thought much about politics. Sure
they’re important but I just can’t connect
to them. In Malaysia, since the
government is corrupt, there’s no voice
in a person’s vote. I never thought much
on it. My father didn’t vote because
there wasn’t a point to it. Politics was
never a major topic around the house. It
was always about religion and
spirituality. Now the politics on that, I
can get into for hours.
“Are you going to vote?” The more the
question was asked the more stressed I
got. The amount of pressure that was
put on me was unbelievable. I always
had to defend myself because I was
constantly getting attacked. I couldn’t
handle it. You could say I’m not patriotic.
I don’t consider myself a “real”
American. Do I have an American
passport? Yes. Do you believe you’re
American? Yes. But I don’t connect to it
the way I do when I’m at home. That’s
right. I consider Malaysia my home
country. It’s where I grew up. It’s where I
learned how to drive (on the left side),
where I learned the language and where
I lived for 20 years of my life. I know
every rock and tree and creature
(Pocahontas ftw!) but don’t even know
what each street sign means in the US.
I have my own views and my own
reasons. I understand if you were born
in this country and want to vote. If you
grew up with parents who were
interested in politics and taught you to
care for it too. But I am not one of those
people! Yes, I think it’s important and
maybe if there was a candidate I could
fully support and not have doubts about,
I’d vote. Right now there is not one
candidate that I can lend support to.
Not. One.
“Are you going to Vote?” Now you ask,
what about the people who don’t have a
say? You should vote for those people.
C’mon! Now you’re just reaching. If you
don’t like the way the country chooses
it’s government, that sucks, boohoo. But
you chose to come here despite that.
Don’t blame all that goes wrong in your
life on the government and you sure as
hell CAN NOT blame me. I came to this
country the same as you. I grew up
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November 9, 2016
9,371 miles away and didn’t vote then,
so why should I now? Just because I
can or am old enough to vote now?
That’s not a good reason to vote for the
leader of a country I don’t know!
Honestly, I am barely an American.
There is more to life than that of today.
You cannot judge me personally solely
on what happens today. You want to
say that because I’m an American I
HAVE to vote? Well then, as an
American, I have every right NOT to
vote. I will NOT vote for someone who
belittles women and I will NOT vote for
someone who allows for baby genocide.
I am sorry but I do not believe that either
of these candidates make a good
president. There is no greater or lesser
evil. Evil is Evil. Period.
Those are not the people I want to be
leaders but this is whom America chose
to represent them. If you need me, I’ll be
curled up in a blanket at home,
munching on some chips and salsa
binging on something on Netflix, thank
you.
“Are you going to vote?” No thanks. I’m
good for now.
Straight, White, Cis-Gendered,
Middle-Class Liberal Male Says
He’s “Over” Trump’s
Presidency
Justin Gates
Mark McConnell, 22, is fed up with
people being “up in arms” about Donald
Trump winning the United State’s
Presidency.
“I voted for Hillary, obviously,” he says
as a worn ‘Feel the Bern’ pins dangles
weakly from the strap of his Fjallraven
backpack, “but I honestly forgot about it
when I woke up this morning.”
As people all around the country and the
world awaken on November 9th
questioning reality, Mark heads in late to
his one o’clock class at the college he
spends $60,000 a year to attend, finding
that his life “isn’t really that much
different”. His parents, a lawyer and a
civil engineer, called him this morning to
make sure he’d gotten the airline tickets
they’d bought him for Thanksgiving
break.
“People are overreacting,” he explains in
that calming, wise tone that all straight
white males naturally have. “Trump can’t
really do anything.”
He scrolls through Facebook on his
iPhone 7.
“I have black friends and gay friends
and international friends and they’re all
worried about deportation and rights and
stuff, but I don’t really think any of that is
going to happen,” he continues,
dismissing the gathering and
demonstrations of student ally groups as
“affirming Trump’s Presidency”.
“We just need to put our heads down
and get through it,” McConnell states
firmly, before returning to a discussion
with his pop punk band about basing
their post-graduation tour of upstate
New York out of his parent’s basement.
Berklee Onion
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November 9, 2016
Mom finds every object son has
ever lost in less than five
minutes.
Justin Malinow
“I promise you, It’s gone forever” at least
that’s what little Jimmy told his Mom
time and time again when he lost things.
One day Jimmy’s Mom went into his
room and came out five minutes later.
When Jimmy went back into his room,
as if by magic, all of the things he had
ever lost in his short life had been found
and rearranged in his room. This goes
to further the reasoning that nothing is
truly lost until Mom can’t find it. I can
name countless times when I, myself
have had this same problem and have
had it solved in the exact same way.
Gary Johnson celebrates his
“personal best”, winning just
over 5% in remote North Dakota
county
Luke Frees
Libertarian Gary Johnson celebrates his
“personal best”, winning roughly 5% of
the popular vote in a remote North
Dakota county. “Granted, we were a
teensy bit disappointed that he didn’t
win in his home state, but we’re happy
to at least be seen in the CNN graph,” a
campaign spokesperson said.
Johnson was seen celebrating in a rural
townhouse in North Dakota (in fact, in
the very county he won) with a $20
bottle of Vodka and half a gram of weed
when Onion reporters got to him.
“I’m just really, really happy right now,”
he said, taking a long drag and
coughing. “Irregardless of how the
results turn out tonight, we made it.” He
was then pulled away by yet another
campaign worker, and one is left
wondering whether the 5% of his votes
was actually just due to his entire
campaign living in the county in question
and voting for him.
Alcohol Sales
Lylly Yakunovich
With the recent outbreak of electoral
news, alcohol sales have skyrocketed.
This is mostly the case with collegiate
students. People now want to “drink
their lives away.” Alcohol sales alone in
the city of Boston have upped
themselves an extra 30%! This may also
be because of collegiate and even high
school midterms happening or coming
up.
Retail sales associates say that PBR
and Keystone have had their highest
sales ever. Maybe because their flavors
fit right along with this election or
because it’s cheap, just like the blueeyed floozy Trump will have in his office.
There is also an up with expensive
vodka. One would think that people
would choose the cheap vodka, just as
they had with the cheap beer. A student
at Boston University states that “We can
easily get cheap beer and down it
instantly, whereas we spend more on
vodka because it is at least
luxuriant…something that we won’t see
for awhile.”
Berklee Onion
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November 9, 2016
That’s right kids, alcohol sales are
taking a stand right up next to your new
president. Just remember to be
responsible…at least as much as you
can be.
NEXT ON The Onion…
Big Business Buildings Smell Like
Way Too Much Weed
against the LGBT community and
violate women, take away health
coverage from 20 million people,
banning religious groups, deporting
other ethnic groups, build a wall, “bomb
the hell out of “ISIS”, maybe launch
some nuclear weapons, and also do
nothing about climate change because
apparently, it’s a hoax.
________________________________
Horoscope
Nicole Conti
Aquarius: Gloomy days lay ahead;
you’re going to finally start be yourself
and nobody is going to like you.
Pisces: Remember to look within when
looking for reassurance…and maybe
just get over yourself cause nobody
cares. Just do your job.
Aries: It’s a time to rejoice! Get trashed
this weekend with any friend you have
named Jill. Trust the stars.
Taurus: Tell yourself things will get
better. They may not but it’s worth a
shot.
Myra Molloy
As I entered the Divided States of
America after a long 13-hour flight from
Qatar, I quickly pulled up Facebook
since I’d been MIA for half a day. I came
across a countdown to the next
presidential election: 3 years, 11
months, 3 weeks, 3 days, 10 hours, 46
minutes, and 31 seconds. I guess in the
meantime we’ll just have to accept a
misogynistic, racist fake-tanner fanatic
will destroy and shake the lives of
minorities and immigrants, discriminate
Gemini: Do try that “Lustfulness”
perfume sample from Lord and Taylor
next time you go in. It will guarantee you
to get laid. Stars honor.
Cancer: You’re probably at the point in
your life right now that you’re desperate
for a cigarette even though you’ve never
had one before today.
Leo: The stars aren’t going to affect
your life in any way and never will.
Please move on.
Berklee Onion
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November 9, 2016
Virgo: Stop starving yourself, you’re
never going to lose the weight anyway.
Libra: Lock your door tonight, there is
no telling what Bethany will do this time.
Scorpio: You’re too sympathetic and
that’s why people walk all over you.
Please toughen up by eating raw eggs
for breakfast today.
Sagittarius: Try not to hold any angst
towards your co-workers today. It’s a
time to be united as one… even though
that asshole Jake voted Trump.
Capricorn: Santa Claus isn’t real. Stick
with Thanksgiving.
This just in, America is claiming
to have finally decimated
sexism! We crashed through
that glass ceiling folks!
Nora Sheridan
Women all throughout America had the
right to vote during last night’s election.
Now of course some of you may be
asking yourselves, “Wait, I thought
women already had the right to vote?”,
and you would be correct. Yes they did!
But throughout the recent presidential
campaign between Donald Trump and
Hilary Clinton, their Nineteenth
Amendment right was put into question.
Several people, from a specific gender,
race, and party affiliation, who were
supporting a very specific candidate (all
of which that will of course remain
unnamed) called on abolishing this
amendment! Now some of you may be
saying “Oh they weren’t serious! It was
all a joke!” Because as I’m sure all you
minorities and women know, having
your civil rights questioned upon is so
hilarious! But some of those very bad
people out there weren’t kidding! I know
I was shocked too, I guess it wasn’t all
just locker room talk. But we fought for
all you women and your pussys! You’re
welcome America.
That’s 52% of this country’s population
that had the right to cast a ballot. Not to
mention that one of the main
presidential candidates in this election
was a female! A woman mind you, this
country’s very first female presidential
nominee. That never would have
happened in my day folks. You women
should feel so grateful! Grateful that we
even allowed a woman to get out of
doing housework and childcare! That we
allowed her to travel around the country,
we even allowed her to give speeches
no less. We sure are making America
great again! Now who could say
America isn’t all about equality?
Berklee Onion
November 9, 2016
Area man urges community to
get out and vote unless you’re
voting third party or for Trump.
Sam Smalley
A man in the Tucson County area has
been urging his community to vote.
Local Jeff Todd was seen holding picket
signs that read, “Get out and Vote!” on
the corner between Mobil and his town
library, according to sources located
near the scene. Jeff is caught up in the
current political zeitgeist, claiming that
American democracy depends on every
American getting out to vote.
“No matter who you’re voting for,” says
Jeffry, “just get out and vote. Unless of
course you’re voting for third party
candidates or Donald Trump.” Jeffry, a
manager of Cuppin’ Coffee, says that
the right to vote is one of the keystones
of liberty, progress, and freedom that
should be guaranteed to every U.S.
citizen - that is as long as you vote for
the correct candidate.
“People need to recognize that every
vote that isn’t for a third party or Trump,
counts, that every vote is carefully
counted and added to a pool of votes
that will ultimately determine the next
President of the United States.” Sources
say Jeffry added that those writing in
candidates who had neither the names
‘Hillary’ and ‘Clinton’ were the “worst
kinds of people.”
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