The Loveologist Guide to Inhibitions
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Congratulations and thank you for picking up this e-book course on inhibitions. This
program includes strategies and solutions to many of the most asked questions about
inhibitions, boundaries and trust when it comes to “letting yourself go.” I believe the
information can help people to understand themselves and others through the revelations
and exercises, but these are not intended to be a substitute for formal therapeutic
counseling or medical treatment.
Whether you’d like to use this information as a Loveologist, counselor, or coach to support
clients or for yourself to turn out your own inhibitions, you will find the contents useful.
Inside you will find realistic and practical ways to release your inhibitions and become or
improve on who you want to be. You will learn how to face whatever is causing you stress
when it comes to your own inhibitions and recognize it. Once you have addressed the cause,
you can overcome the stress because you have the power to free yourself of old negative
patterns and control your own destiny.
What’s in it for you?
Discover the most common inhibitions for men and women
Become aware of what causes your inhibitions and where they come
from
Learn how to identify your inhibitions
Understand how to set your own boundaries
Turn your inhibitions into exhibitions
You’re Not Alone
I have traveled all over the world to lecture on love, relationships, romance and sexuality
and one of the universal similarities we all have in common are inhibitions. They are selfimposed restrictions on one's behavior and they come from our subconscious mind. Our
mind is predisposed to the way we were raised so it’s not surprising that many people have
inhibitions based upon negative influences, repression and societal restraints on sexual
behavior. For example, many women suffer from the “good girl syndrome” because they
were taught that only “bad girls” will do a striptease for their lover, masturbate, give oral,
have anal or even initiate sex when they want it. Women are often raised with shame and
guilt about their body so they are inhibited about the size or shape of their breasts, the look
and smell of their vagina, losing control during orgasm and of course asking for what they
want in bed. Male inhibitions are different but can be just as unhealthy. For example, many
men were taught not to show their feelings because it’s a sign of weakness. Men are
inhibited about the size of their penis because they’ve been taught that size does matter,
some men think that a woman’s vagina should smell like spring flowers or autumn rain,
men hate asking for directions so why would they ever ask their lover what pleases them?
Apparently a man should know what a woman wants and so the list of inhibitions goes on.
It’s’ no wonder so many couples are sexually frustrated. If you can’t talk about what turns
you on, then you can’t expect your lover to read your mind. After all, you wouldn’t dream of
not telling a waiter how you like your steak cooked because you don’t want to ruin a good
piece of meet, then why would you risk the demise of a good relationship by not talking
about what you want in bed?
The best solution that I’ve found for overcoming any inhibition is to simply face it. It is my
belief that you will always have regrets if you don’t overcome obstacles. A life with regrets
The Loveologist Guide to Inhibitions
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is a life that has not fully been realized, experienced and enjoyed. If you can shed your
inhibitions with the one you love, you will find a much stronger connection in your
relationship. On the same note, if you can shed your inhibitions with yourself, you will have
the opportunity to discover and explore parts of you that you may never have known
existed.
Breaking Down the Walls
Becoming totally open and aware of your likes and dislikes is the first step to breaking down
inhibition walls that may be standing in your way of experiencing complete intimate
gratification. It can also help you to trust yourself and others on a level that maybe you
have never imagined. When you know yourself and feel confident in what you expect of
yourself and others, doors you may have never even known were there can open. Once new
doors open, you then have more choices and the opportunity to expand your personal
horizons.
Everyday we wake up and most of us have a daily routine that we are used to and
essentially play out as if it were the script to our life. Although this script has become our
comfort zone, is one that we have memorized and followed, when we are engrossed in that
routine it can pigeonhole us and in some cases rob us of a life filled with adventure,
intrigue, and experience. Part of discovering and releasing inhibitions can offer an
opportunity for to veer off that beaten path and just for a while escape from an everyday
redundant routine. This is your chance to write your own script through direct knowledge of
what makes you feel happy and excited. Break down the walls of predictability, make some
positive changes and empower yourself because you are in control.
Boundaries
Boundaries empower us to determine how we'll be treated by others so define your sexual
and emotional boundaries by limiting what is safe and appropriate for you sexually and
emotionally. For example, a sexual boundary could be that you don’t have intercourse on a
first date and you never have intercourse without a condom. An emotional boundary could
be that you never say, “I love you” to someone unless you really mean it. Boundaries also
include who we interact with sexually and the consequences of that interaction both of
which are your choices. Having boundaries can bring order to our lives and as we have a
clear vision of our boundaries we can overcome our inhibitions too.
Just like inhibitions, boundaries are formed early on and we learn about them by the way
that we are treated. We can teach our boundaries to others by refusing to hug someone,
refusing to go all the way sexually or refusing to be emotionally abused by someone who is
calling us names and being disrespectful. Once you allow someone to step over your
personal boundaries, this is called boundary violation and it can become an endless cycle of
emotional and physical pain. Consequently, I encourage everyone to set their own
boundaries through self-awareness and knowledge. Here are some tips on how to
accomplish that:
Be aware of what arouses you
Be knowledgeable about your body and its biological changes
Give yourself permission to surrender to pleasure because you are worthy of it
Take responsibility for your own orgasm; don’t expect someone to give it to you
Share your sexual turn ons with your lover
Communicate your wants, needs, desires and fears with your lover
Share your fantasies with your lover
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You may be asking yourself why it is important to be aware of your boundaries and what do
they have to do with inhibitions. You may be thinking, what’s the difference if this is the
way I am, and I am fine with it. However, what you may not know is the results of lifelong
inhibitions and lack of boundaries could eventually manifest into sexual dysfunctions. To
name a few, there is impotence, premature ejaculation, vaginismus and anorgasmia.
Impotence in men can usually be traced to psychological issues. Ironically, the fear of
impotence can be the very thing that causes it. Other reasons include intoxication, lack of
sexual stimulation and performance anxiety. Premature ejaculation can also be related to
inhibitions in men, especially those who used to masturbate quickly as boys so their parents
didn’t catch them. The problem is that when these men became adults they are still
programmed to ejaculate quickly. Vaginismus is a result of tension for many women. When
she is nervous or feels like her lover is overstepping her comfort boundary zone, she can
react by unintentionally contracting the vaginal opening sharply during sex causing pain
during penetration. Anorgasmia is when a woman is unable to orgasm and quite often it’s
because of her inhibitions. I have often suggested a simple yet effective remedy to couples
when one of them is inhibited. By placing a blindfold over their partner’s eyes, the inhibited
person feels more liberated because they can not be seen and will perform sex acts they
wouldn’t normally feel comfortable with if their partner wasn’t blindfolded.
Role-Playing
When couples role play together and act out each other’s fantasies, they gain a better
understanding of what the other wants, needs, desires and fears. Couples can improve their
communication, take their relationship to a higher level of intimacy and expand their sexual
horizons. Role playing sexual fantasies is healthy, fun and natural for couples dating or for
those in a committed relationship of any orientation. Fantasies can rekindle passion, raise a
diminished libido, boost intimacy, are an exciting avenue of escape, heighten enjoyment of
sex, opens you up to new activities and can turn sex into adult play.
Instead of just dressing up and lowering inhibitions one day a year on Halloween, take this
opportunity to share your fantasies with your lover. Write down all the fantasies you can
think of with your lover and then put them into three piles; the first pile should be for
fantasies that you want to turn into reality, the second pile for fantasies that should just
remain as fantasies and the third pile for fantasies that you don’t both agree upon. Retain
the first pile and then take turns picking a fantasy each so that you can turn it into reality.
This game can result in some exceptional intimate communication for your relationship and
really heat things up in the sex department, not to mention help lower your inhibitions and
turn you into an exhibitionist!
Guidelines
DO NOT do anything that is unpleasant, offensive or that makes you feel unsafe
emotionally or physically
Be willing to trust yourself and your lover
Be prepared for a fun and unpredictable adventure
Keep an open mind, and don’t pass judgment on yourself or your partner
Don’t try to analyze fantasy meanings, just enjoy their main themes
Talk to your lover about your fantasies before making them a reality
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Confessions
Below are several real life confessions that will help you to identify, understand, and
strategize common inhibition issues. Each confession contains uncensored confessions
focusing on five major factors that result in a resolution. Read the confession, the
consequences, my strategy, solution and finally the benefits of the solution.
You will also have the opportunity to analyze some confessions and come up with your own
strategy, solution and benefits. The names have been changed to protect the privacy of
these clients.
Alexis: “How do I find my erogenous zones?”
While Alexis had no trouble getting men into bed, figuring out what turned them on once
she had their full attention was quite another story. Alexis had difficulty tuning in to the
vastly different levels of arousal and pleasure zones that every man responded to. One
man loved it when she tenderly caressed his buttocks; while another thought it was
annoying. Each successive lover posed a new challenge, and Alexis’ inability to “read”
their desires undermined her confidence in pleasing a man. Unable to simply ask her
partner what excited him, Alexis allowed doubt to inhibit her.
CONSEQUENCES
The inhibition factor was the most disconcerting, as it deterred her from finding sexual
satisfaction, and the uncertainty she felt most likely masked a greater need to please
her partners than to be pleased herself.
STRATEGY
Alexis needed to improve her communicative skills with her partners and not just in bed
either. Clearly, even though she wanted to touch them in "the right way," she couldn't
directly ask any of them what their individual needs were. My strategy was to help Alexis
get past her communicative inhibitions in general.
SOLUTION
Alexis was first instructed to write down questions she had of me, with no restrictions at
all. Once she had written them down, she could verbalize them. While some of the
questions were general, most related to sex. She had no idea that men liked to be
touched with more pressure than women and that each man had his own erogenous
zones just waiting to be discovered. Then we repeated the procedure outside the office.
Her homework was to write down and verbalize her questions to others. Eventually, the
inhibitions were reduced to a level whereby she could ask direct, intimate questions of
others, without embarrassment, and alleviate the confusion she had felt.
BENEFITS
The benefit to Alexis would be an ability to express herself to others and to get them to
express themselves to her. It would enable her to get past the frustrations of an
inhibiting shyness and consequently become a more confident lover.
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Sunny: “I am distracted by my husband’s animal like behavior in bed. I cannot
concentrate on my own orgasm!”
One would never know by looking at Sunny’s husband, Edward, what a wild beast lurked
underneath his conservative and polite veneer. It wasn’t that he suffered from a Jeckyl
and Hyde personality, and surely no one else but Sunny ever saw the other side of him.
The problem, from Sunny’s perspective, was that even her gallant, noble, sweet and
even somewhat stuffy Edward reached a climax while they made love she thought she
was in a zoo. He sweated and grunted, panted and moaned, making hideously loud and
vulgar noises. The churlish wild animal sounds emanating from her otherwise genteel
spouse as he exploded in ecstasy were so distracting, so unnerving that Sunny lost her
ability to concentrate on her own orgasm.
CONSEQUENCES
Sunny's inhibited orgasm cannot be beneficial to either party. It could eventually disrupt
their marriage.
STRATEGY
Since Edward was, by all other standards, a conservative man and satisfying lover, all
that needed to be addressed was his grunting and sweating. I surmised that there may
be some deeper reason for Sunny’s repulsion, (after all, his behavior was not new, and
they had courted and married for five years) but stayed on the superficial level in
addressing the problem.
SOLUTION
I suggested to Sunny that she make sure her husband bathed and toweled off before
having sex (so as to lessen the sweating). Perhaps she might powder him as a way of
spoiling him after his shower.
As for the noise, I suggested three alternative solutions, each with its own implication.
She could gag Edward if he was amicable to that, an efficient and controlling means to
an end. Secondly, she could put the side of her hand into Edward's mouth so as to stop
the noise. He would most likely bite her when she did this, and this might prove
stimulating to her. Or finally, she could pull his head next to her, so that the facial
expressions and grunting she found so distracting could be directed into the pillow she
rested on. This failing, I offered her a book on sexual positions that could minimize the
facial contact, yet remain sexually fulfilling.
BENEFITS
The benefit to this approach was that it would eliminate the direct barrier to Sunny's
sexual fulfillment.
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Tom: “Although my wife enjoys it, I do not like vocalizing during or after sex.”
Tom was just not the talkative type after making love. He never expressed his feelings
to his wife during or after sex. After they mutually concluded their spousal duties, Tom
just rolled over and went to sleep. There was never an indication that he derived any
pleasure from their dispassionate, silent, nocturnal bouts in bed. His poor, unhappy wife,
on the other hand, lay wide awake for hours afterward, wondering if she had pleased her
husband at all. She was deeply hurt and distressed that he could not share his
innermost thoughts and emotions with her, and soon her resentment carried over into
their daily lives, severely impacting their whole relationship.
CONSEQUENCE
An element of estrangement on a sexual issue has been introduced into the marriage.
He caused undue stress on his partner.
STRATEGY
Tom needed to understand the importance of reassurance to women. While there was
such a thing as "women's intuition," that does not make them mind readers. If he does
not learn to communicate, he would alienate the affections of his wife.
SOLUTION
I had both Tom and his wife come to my office. Tom was a well meaning man who had
difficulty verbalizing in general, but especially about his feelings. By demonstrating in
front of his wife that his difficulty was a general problem and not one relating to her
alone, it won her understanding and good will.
We went through a longer therapy process whereby Tom was able to identify and
express his feelings, and their sex problems diminished.
BENEFITS
Having learned that verbalization is part of post-coital etiquette, Tom was able to
reassure his wife's insecurities and consequently improve the total relationship.
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Myra: “All of my lovers want to communicate our sex sessions, but I want to
relax, with no talking!”
Myra was the female equivalent of Tom. No matter how much she might enjoy herself in
bed with her lover, she was very uncomfortable talking about it with him. Anyway, she
thought it was distasteful and a waste of time to rehash a good thing, and besides, all
she wanted to do after sex was to lie in bed quietly and bask in the pleasure of the
moment. Why couldn’t guys get that? Sure, Myra knew that sex was important in a
relationship, but why was it the only thing that every man she met and dated seemed to
want to discuss? It annoyed her that her lovers weren’t creative enough to discover a
better way to communicate with her about their sexual desires than to talk about it
endlessly.
CONSEQUENCE
Myra's resentment might build if she doesn't learn to accept others and negotiate her
own values into any new relationship.
STRATEGY
Men are indeed more direct verbally and visually when it comes to sex, although it was
possible that Myra was misjudging its actual importance to them. Myra needed to learn
to accept men as they are and get them to accept her communicative preference as
well.
SOLUTION
I showed Myra information that I had from Kinsey and Freud relating to imprinting and
human male behavior. Men don't think about sex all the time but Myra thinks they do.
Perhaps they talk about it, but this culturally supported at least sometimes. These things
Myra can not change.
But I encouraged Myra to accept innate male sexual behavior and to learn how to
negotiate in her private affairs at least equal time and consideration for her
communicative preferences. I had her make a list of things she might want to
communicate about sex, and then we role played so that she could find ways to do this.
BENEFITS
Myra learned to negotiate in her private relationships and learned to accept those things
she could not control.
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Tom: “My wife demands to have sex in the dark.”
Tom had never seen his wife Maria naked, because she always insisted that they make
love in absolute darkness. Tom felt that Maria pushed the limits of his patience with her
extreme shyness, but the very austere and inflexible home in which she was raised
created in Maria an unnatural reluctance to be seen without her clothes, even by her
own husband. Tom desperately wanted to see Maria’s nude body, to look at her supple
breasts while he caressed her nipples. He was certain that the sight of her soft,
undraped curves and her sweet, glistening skin would vastly increase his excitement and
eroticize their lovemaking.
CONSEQUENCES
The immediate consequences to the marriage were not disastrous. However, it did
present a roadblock to intimacy and betrayed a certain power struggle. On some level,
Maria was withholding more than the sight of her naked body from her husband. She
was convinced that sex was bad and she was inherently evil just because she was a
woman. So while the surface of this conflict allowed her to be a willful child in a "good
girl" role, the long range conflicts the problem allowed to develop could have been fatal
to the marriage, and have lasting negative connotations for the individual as well.
STRATEGY
By making Maria feel sexy about taking her clothes off for her husband, I redirected her
to a positive focus. I suggested that Maria begin admiring her body in front of a fulllength mirror when she was totally alone. She had to look at herself positively and begin
touching, stroking, and turning herself on. Once she was comfortable being nude, Tom
and Maria were to play-act a fantasy, "Centerfold."
SOLUTION
In this fantasy, Tom was the photographer and Maria the model. She started out
completely clothed and slowly removed each article of clothing as she become more
aroused. Tom was to compliment her every curve and direct her into various positions,
but he could not make love to her until she was totally naked with all of the lights on.
This assuaged Tom's voyeuristic inclination and redirected Maria's "good girl" behavior
and its negative consequences to a more healthy enjoyment of self. In time, Maria
developed exhibitionist tendencies, and the two of them even profited by sending their
"Centerfold" photographs to a magazine for publication.
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Marty: “I refuse to perform oral sex on my wife.”
Marty’s wife Jeanette longed for her husband to perform some good, old fashioned oral
sex on her to bring her to the same state of arousal and orgasm that he seemed to
enjoy through plain old intercourse. She nagged, she begged, she cajoled, she even
tried to bribe him into “going down” on her, but all he could think about whenever she
brought the subject up, was how unpleasant the smell would be. He loved his wife
dearly, but not enough to endure that!
CONSEQUENCES
A woman may need or at least appreciate masturbation and/or oral stimulation prior to
intercourse, and often, in order to achieve orgasm. The lack of oral sex condemned
Marty's wife, in all likelihood, to a life of sexual frustration that would ultimately either
cause a loss of self-esteem and/or sexual disruption within the marriage.
STRATEGY
My strategy was first to educate Marty on what the natural odor and flavor of a woman
should be. He admitted that he thought women’s vagina’s should smell like perfumed
flowers and was turned off by the slightly musky flavor of his wife. We discussed
elements of good hygiene and finally I introduced some products to camouflage or
minimize the offending odors. To this end, I provided both Marty and his wife a
strawberry flavored lotion and minty gels designed specifically for enhancing oral sex.
SOLUTION
I advised Marty and his wife to have their first oral sex experience in the shower, and to
put flavored shaving cream on her pubic hair. Then I had Marty shave the pubic hair off
his wife, as hair can retain odor (so can medication, hormonal fluctuations and diet).
Then I had him lick the cream remnants off her pubis, as a beginning to the oral sex.
Once they had finished in the shower, Marty applied the gels and flavoring that I had
previously given them, and used them outside of the shower area, so as to remove the
restrictions on when, where or how oral sex should be performed. Once Marty realized
that his wife smelled and tasted “normal,” he allowed himself to enjoy oral sex and
performed it with zealous abandon on a regular basis.
BENEFITS
The obvious benefit was that Marty's wife received the type of oral attention that she
required to orgasm. The increased satisfaction on her part improved Marty's perception
of himself as a lover, and encouraged him to ask things for his excitement from her, as
the communicative avenue was improved.
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Brian: “I seem outgoing and bold, but I am actually too shy to ask a woman
out.”
Brian’s unrelenting shyness has crippled his social life, leaving him feeling incredibly
vulnerable and lonely. When women first meet Brian, they all think he is charming,
funny and sweet, but what does it matter that he can occasionally feign congeniality and
appear to be outgoing if he is completely incapable of asking any of these attractive
women out on a date?
CONSEQUENCE
Brian undeniably has much to offer, but he could waste these abilities if he cannot
connect with others.
STRATEGY
Brian needed training in asking for what he wanted. He must begin small and the initial
success would propel him onward.
SOLUTION
I had Brian pick small achievable things he wanted. Then I had him verbalize those
wishes. We did this first in role-playing and then by himself. When he was comfortable
with doing this, I had him come back and we role-played further, before he preceded
asking girls he liked for certain things and, ultimately, a date. Women sometimes
appreciate vulnerability in men and Brian succeeded in overcoming his shyness.
BENEFITS
You must walk before you can run, and nothing can spell success like taking that first
step.
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Ron: “I want my girlfriend to be more adventurous and open-minded in bed.”
Ron was really bothered by Rebecca’s inexplicable overreactions to what Ron considered
tantalizing sexual variations that he wanted to introduce into their two year old
relationship. He was puzzled that Rebecca always stubbornly resisted any attempts he
made to explore with her some hot new, exotic technique he read about, especially
because all he wanted to do was to give her pleasure! Was there nothing he could do to
convince her that experimenting with harmless but exciting fantasies on each other’s
body could spice up their love making sessions and draw them closer together?
CONSEQUENCE
The budding relationship could have ended right there if Rebecca was unable to
accommodate the desired variation. Both would suffer, Ron would resent Rebecca and
always remember her as an unadventurous lover and she would resent him for being a
selfish and kinky lover.
STRATEGY
My course of action involved establishing boundaries of respect between the
participants. Rebecca was to understand that Ron did not respect her less for wanting
variety, and Ron had to learn to respect her wishes and not make her do anything that
she didn't want to do.
SOLUTION
I had Ron and Rebecca look at a sexual positions book and encouraged them to
separately mark the ones that they liked, and then to mark each one that they thought
the other would like. This playful mechanism allowed for the exchange of information
and the elimination of any misconceptions they may have had about the other partner.
After having compiled their own sexual positions lists, I had them swap lists and choose
the position that most appealed to them from the list of the other person. Eventually
they were able to use the same format for more adventurous lovemaking activities
without either one over reacting or getting offended.
BENEFITS
The benefit was that it formed a solid basis for further relational development, as it was
built on mutual respect and understanding.
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Abbie: “My husband wants to take me to a strip-club.”
When Abbie’s husband proposed to take her to a club featuring male and female
strippers, it made her blood boil! What was wrong with him, she demanded, how dare
he suggest such a degrading thing? What sort of man had he become that he wanted to
take her to see half naked men and women cavort disgustingly on stage and take off all
their clothes? She ranted and raved, and accused him of no longer respecting her.
CONSEQUENCE
Abbie's misinterpretation of her husband's suggestion introduced resentment and anger
into the relationship. If they did not communicate their fears and desires, the
relationship could be terminated prematurely.
STRATEGY
I needed to talk to Abbie so that she understood how men were aroused by different
stimuli than women, and that this was not a personal insult to her. Her husband wanted
both of them to participate in watching male and female strippers strut their stuff to
educate them on the art of stripping. This was his way of sharing with her his long time
fantasy.
SOLUTION
I pointed out to Abbie that men were considerably more visually oriented than women
and that her husband wanted to share something special with her. Abbie admitted that
he didn't want her to do anything degrading, just watch other people dancing. She
decided to compromise and accompany her husband, then to ask him to do something
that she would like in return. She made him get season tickets to the opera. Abbie did
call me to confess that the striptease club was quite entertaining and their lovemaking
that night was more charged than it had been in years.
BENEFITS
By understanding his need for voyeurism, Abbie added some extra sizzle to their
relationship and removed the resentment she was needlessly building up.
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Rosalita: “My lover wants me to act like a “slut” in bed, but this goes against all
my moral codes.”
Rosalita’s husband Alphonse thought the ideal wife should be sexually aggressive in bed.
Couldn’t she be more seductive and act like a whore when they made love? Nothing
would be more exciting, he claimed than to have the woman he loved behave with wild
abandon and initiate their night of passionate romance, at least once in a while.
Unfortunately, for women to behave in such an indecent manner was contrary to every
religious principle that Rosalita was taught. It was a sin, she believed, for her to act like
a “slut,” and she had no intention of sinning, even for her husband! Still, she truly loved
him, and didn’t know how to make it clear that for her to submit to his demands would
violate her moral code.
CONSEQUENCE
Confrontation is always less effective than seduction. Rosa should not have to do
anything she did not want to do and there were better ways for her husband to get her
to change her mind.
STRATEGY
I needed to speak to each one of them together, and privately. What Rosalita "will not
do," might change if she was approached differently.
SOLUTION
I told both Rosalita and Alphonse in each other's presence, that no one should make
another person do what they did not want to do. The consequences were negative in all
regards if this happened. If Rosalita did not want to sin, then she should not be
expected to.
In a private consultation, I advised her husband to seduce Rosalita into changing her
mind. Once she was aroused sexually, change to passive behavior and see what she
does. Encourage her to become more aggressive, and compliment her when she was. It
would be a small step from becoming aggressive while making love and being
aggressive before making love. But, it allowed her to choose this and maybe change the
terminology so as to reduce her conflict.
BENEFITS
Rosalita would not allow herself to "sin" and her husband could still get what he wanted.
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Marie: “Why do the men I sleep with judge me when I tell them about my
past?”
It was with the best of intentions that Marie shared her sexual secrets with her many
lovers. She believed that the strongest relationships were built on trust and not keeping
any secrets from each other. Why then, she wondered, did her lovers react so negatively
to her disclosures, or conclude that Marie was far more sexually adventurous than she
really was? Because so many unpleasant experiences occurred when she tried to relate
honestly with her lovers, eventually she began to be deceitful and dishonest about her
past. She became resentful of her partners when she discovered that her occasional
deceptive practices with them had developed into a habit turning her into someone other
than who she wanted to be.
CONSEQUENCE
Marie was allowing other people to affect her behavior. Honesty was not always the best
policy, but if her lovers could not handle her need for her to be honest, she might be
better off without them.
STRATEGY
Marie needed to learn the difference between compromise, manipulation and selfviolation. The first two can be justified, the third one seldom can.
SOLUTION
I encouraged Marie to discuss sexual matters including her "secrets" before getting
involved with another person. In fact, the honest exchange of "secrets" are "de rigueur"
in the age of AIDS. If her potential partner "can not handle it," she is better advised not
even to start.
BENEFITS
Marie will learn to get what she wants and still not compromise herself.
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Jennifer: “My vagina makes strange noises during and after sex.”
Only recently did Jennifer experience the pleasure of sexual intimacy for the very first
time. Brian was a wonderful lover who patiently explored her body, skillfully using a
variety of foreplay techniques to bring her to a high state of arousal. She moaned
hesitantly while her body arched with anticipation. When she seemed ready and eager
for more, he penetrated her, gently breaking her virginity. He felt her body respond to
his thrusts, so he increased his speed to keep pace with her imminent climax. Within
minutes, she exploded into unbelievable ecstasy, her first orgasm far exceeding her
expectations. Then, before she realized what had happened, she heard noises coming
from her vagina which were not unlike the sounds made by passing gas. Her moment of
bliss was completely shattered and she was mortified beyond belief. She says she
doesn’t know how she made it through the awkward moments that followed, but now
she feels that she can never have sex again because she is too embarrassed and afraid
of a repeat experience.
CONSEQUENCE
Jennifer's self image had been affected and the experience could inhibit her future
sexual self-confidence.
STRATEGY
Jennifer has, among other things, accepted a sanitized image of sexual perfection as an
unrealistic yardstick by which to measure herself against. Also, she needed to be able to
laugh at herself, and others, and relax.
SOLUTION
I pointed out to Jennifer how common her predicament was. Air pockets in the vagina
need to be released. If the sound is funny or unpleasant, so what? I suggested differing
positions which would help minimize the possibility of a repeat occurrence, but then
asked her to just loosen up. We are all only human.
BENEFITS
By demythologizing and humanizing the mechanics of sex, her sexual self-confidence
would be restored.
The Loveologist Guide to Inhibitions
17
Tamar: “I am embarrassed to tell my lover that I enjoy having sex during my
period.”
Tamar noticed that during her period, she sometimes became immensely aroused and
was overcome with the desire to make mad, passionate love. When she could think
rationally, however, she wondered if she wasn’t morally or ethically obliged to tell her
lover that she had entered her monthly cycle before she initiated sex with him. On the
other hand, she was terrified that he would reject her while she was menstruating, at a
time when she most needed and wanted to make love.
CONSEQUENCE
Tamar was still suffering from some sort of shame regarding her period. She may be
right that her lover abhors her menstruation, but it needn't be that way.
STRATEGY
It was seldom wise to deceive either one's self or one's lover. Tamar needed to accept
her body and its functions and so does her lover. Acceptance begins with education.
SOLUTION
I showed Tamar some anatomy books that discussed menstruation. It was normal that
Tamar would desire sex during her period as coitus (or masturbation) can relieve blood
congestion. Aside from religious or cultural prejudice, there was no medical reason not
to engage in sex during her period, although some women may not desire it due to the
bloated feeling associated with it.
Obviously, she should tell her lover when she's on her period, and she should let him
know when she desired sex. There are gels and deodorants that can lessen the odor.
She may be right that her lover won't desire sex at that time, but she should at least
present him with the choice.
BENEFITS
In discussing an intimate issue, Tamar and her lover solidified the bond between them
and Tamar was able to become satisfied.
The Loveologist Guide to Inhibitions
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Jocelyn: “I can not bring myself to share my most sexual fantasies with my
lover.”
Thirty something Jocelyn’s mind was filled with alluring sexual fantasies. She envisioned
herself in many an erotic assignation, behaving wildly and without any inhibitions
whatsoever and she greatly enjoyed these tantalizing dreams. But no matter how
comfortable she was with her current lover, she just couldn’t bring herself to share with
him those intriguing sexual thoughts that turned her on.
CONSEQUENCE
Jocelyn was so inhibited sexually that she could not comfortably express it.
Consequently, a large part of her personality was repressed without a healthy outlet.
STRATEGY
Big gains must begin with small steps. I realized that a small part of Jocelyn’s inhibition
stemmed from the fact that she felt guilty about her desires, and was afraid of what
someone might think of her. She needed an anonymous, safe outlet and I thought of the
telephone.
SOLUTION
I referred Jocelyn to a phone callers bulletin board which dealt with a variety of specific
sexual categories. The initial call assigned her a code-number, so she could be assured
of privacy and anonymity, and all subsequent calls were free, the only charge was in
retrieving calls. Jocelyn was able, (without fearing what anyone else might think) to
listen to other women that were seeking other women, singles looking for couples and
gender benders. Depending on her mood, she could respond to other people’s
messages, and if she wanted to talk to them. In this way, she was able to open up and
shed her inhibitions.
BENEFITS
Jocelyn could interact boldly, forthrightly, and perhaps meet compatible people safely.
The Loveologist Guide to Inhibitions
19
Eliza: “I do not want to perform oral sex on my partner, but I want him to
perform it on me.”
Eliza never hesitated to demand that her husband Jake perform oral sex on her to
arouse her enough to achieve orgasm through intercourse. Jake was always happy to
accommodate her, which is why he couldn’t understand her reluctance to reciprocate.
And what made matters worse, the few times she grudgingly deigned to put her mouth
over his erection, she acted like it utterly repulsed her and wouldn’t even swallow his
semen!
CONSEQUENCE
Jake was feeling resentful of his wife’s double standard, and also rejected by her refusal
to swallow his semen.
STRATEGY
To get both of them into my office to ascertain the reason for his wife’s resistance. If
the problem was only a matter of distaste, then the solution would lie with artificial
flavoring or hygiene.
SOLUTION
Much as some men are turned off by the smell or taste of the female genitals, some
women are turned off by the smell of the male genitals and the taste of semen. Jake’s
wife was one of these. Life can be full of compromises, and in order to assist Jake’s wife,
I provided them both with gels to camouflage Jake’s natural odor. However, since Jake’s
wife expected him to lick every last drop of cum from her vagina, it was only fair for her
to return the favor and take her husbands semen in her mouth.
BENEFITS
Since the problem involved the wife, including her in the counseling was the only way to
truly solve the problem.
Now You Are the Love Coach
Ok…now that you have seen how these situations have been confronted, put your self to
the test and see if you can come up with the solution and the benefits for the next two
real life situations. Although there can be more than one solution to these situations,
you can compare your answers with my solutions and benefits at the end of this booklet.
The Loveologist Guide to Inhibitions
20
Lara: “I want my man to explore more in my anal region.”
After a rather lengthy and non-sexual courtship, Robert and Lara finally agreed that the
time was right to become more intimate with each other. Robert rapidly learned to enjoy
the way Lara made love to him, and he, too, proved to be a quick study in the oral sex
department. He learned what buttons to push to bring her pleasure with his mouth, as
he eagerly explored between her legs, his tongue probing her soft, inviting womanhood.
The more they began to trust each other and shared their needs, the closer they became
and the more satisfying their sex life was. Then Lara discovered that she had an intense
desire to have her anus licked, a thought that left Robert less than enthused. It wasn’t
that Lara wasn’t scrupulously clean and certainly she had no odor problems, but the
whole idea of putting his tongue there went way beyond his new found oral abilities.
CONSEQUENCE
It was not a wise idea to refuse a sexual request of a partner without having tried it.
Ultimately, it would either make Lara think something was wrong with him or with
herself.
STRATEGY
To educate Robert as to the benefits of analingus, or “rimming” as it is sometimes
called, and to get him to try it. He might like it.
SOLUTION
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BENEFITS
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The Loveologist Guide to Inhibitions
21
Frederick and Glenda: “We love S & M, but we think it could be dangerous.”
Whips and chains, leather collars and studded black boots, master, mistress, slave…with
all the recent media attention focused on the exotic topic of Sadomasochism, who could
blame college kids Frederick and Glenda for becoming fascinated with the fantasy?
Whether it was the appeal of soft latex and leather on the other’s skin brushing
sensually against their own flesh, or the wickedly intriguing concept of exerting or
relinquishing complete control of their bodies to the other, the idea of a hot S & M
session with each other was definitely a turn on for Frederick and Glenda. But with all
those dangerous looking toys, they were concerned that without the proper instructions
to use them, their trip down spike ‘n chain lane might turn into a trip to the hospital!
CONSEQUENCE
Frederick and Glenda could have indeed caused physical harm to each other by a too
hasty exploration of S & M games.
STRATEGY
I decided to initially restrict their S & M activities to light bondage and mild flagellation,
while they gradually learned each other’s pain thresholds.
SOLUTION
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BENEFITS
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The Loveologist Guide to Inhibitions
22
LOVEWORK
Now here’s an opportunity for you to put what you’ve learned so far into action. Unlike
homework, this is going to be fun, which is why I call it Lovework. Each question is
comprised of unique components that need your full attention before you write down your
answers. If a question makes you feel uncomfortable, go to the next one and come back to
it later. I’m a great believer in pushing the envelope to go outside of your comfort zone,
however if something goes against your values or morals, then by all means disregard it
and use only what is most appropriate for your well being.
Try to recall any experiences from your childhood that may have had an impact on the
way you think and feel about sex. After each experience write down an inhibition that
may be a result of that experience. How do you think these experiences could have
contributed to your inhibitions? For example, as a child you walked around naked and
your Mom would yell at you and say it was disgusting. Now you can’t walk around
naked…even in front of your lover.
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Identify all of the ways you feel that loosing your inhibitions could benefit you. Maybe
loosing your inhibitions could improve the length and intensity of your orgasm or give
you the confidence to initiate sex when you want it.
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The Loveologist Guide to Inhibitions
23
Practice lowering your inhibitions by looking at yourself in the mirror and exploring your
erogenous zones from head to toe. Make a list of at least ten hot spots that turn you on.
______________________________________________________________________
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What are your boundaries? Sexual and emotional. For example you may not want to
have sex with someone of the same sex so that is a sexual boundary. You may not want
to reveal that you were sexually abused before you get married, which is an emotional
boundary.
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Write down what you think a vagina would say if she could talk. Then write down what
you think a penis would say if he could talk. For example, I want more, harder, softer,
slower, deeper, etc.,
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The Loveologist Guide to Inhibitions
24
Make a list of role-playing fantasies that you could imagine yourself making a reality.
For example, a dominatrix, school girl, fireman, rock star, cowboy/girl, nurse, doctor,
erotic dancer, hooker, gigolo, etc.
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Write down what you want to hear your lover say to you during lovemaking. For
example, you feel so good, you taste delicious, and you’re the best lover I’ve ever had,
etc., then say them out loud and practice talking erotically. It’s likely that your lover
wants to hear the same things you do.
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The Loveologist Guide to Inhibitions
25
Imagine how it would feel if all your dreams came true. Now tap into that powerful
emotion and carry this feeling with you throughout the day.
The Bare Minimum…
Share your inhibitions with someone you trust
Experiment with role-playing to loose your inhibitions
Include some erotic talk to expand your sexual horizon
Turn at least one inhibition into exhibition
Life situation answer key:
Lara: “I want my man to explore more in my anal region.”
SOLUTION
Robert performed oral sex on Lara after they shared a long bubble bath together. Then,
he veered further down south with his tongue and explored the outside of her anus.
Lara’s anus was one of her more sensitive erogenous zones and through the introduction
of analingus Robert discovered this. Eventually, the anal attention led to anal
intercourse as one of their favorite sexual outlets.
BENEFITS
The relationship between Robert and Lara actually became more intimate because they
were able to communicate what they wanted sexually and they added anal sex to their
sexual repertoire.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Frederick and Glenda: “We love S & M, but we want to keep ourselves out of
harm’s way.”
SOLUTION
I showed Glenda and Frederick some nifty things they could do with non-threatening
household items, like scarves and clothespins. Frederick played the dungeon master
and Glenda a captive princess. He blindfolded her with a scarf and tied her down
spread-eagle with some of her other scarves. He tried to use the clothespins a little too
soon on her nipples, her nipples were not as yet ready to accept the intensity of the
clothespins, so they substituted a spanking before making love, it greatly excited both of
them. Eventually, they progressed to heavier S & M games and discovered to their
delight other students who shared the same interests.
BENEFITS
The benefit of this strategy was that it allowed the newness of the role-playing to
provide the excitement, while allowing for the gradual expansion of S & M into their
sexual lives.
The Loveologist Guide to Inhibitions
26
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