May 2015
Family Connections Christian Adoptions
E-HEARTBEAT
The Bonds of Daydream
By: Angelena Bradfield
Angelena (right) and her friend all
dressed up to attend the wedding which
prompted Angelena’s trip to India
It’s a trip I rehearsed in my head a thousand times – what would it be
like, how would I feel, would I discover an unknown bond with the place I
was born? In January 2014, I traveled to Kolkata, India, the place of my birth,
for the first time. I had a dual purpose, one was to participate in a friend
from graduate school’s wedding, and the other, to see and experience
where I was born. While I could regale you with funny stories about my trip,
how my friend had to save us when our driver got pulled over by Kolkata
police and how strangers would come up to us on the street and ask for a
photo, I’ll instead focus on what I discovered.
My first full day in Kolkata was designated as my “discovery” day. My
close friend, Marie, who went to India with me had sifted through my
adoption papers and done other research to find the location of the nursing home that I was born in and the
orphanage that I spent four months of my life in. For some reason, when I daydreamed about those cloudy
months in my history, I would always focus on the orphanage that I lived in – rather than facing the harsher
realities of the nursing home I was born and given up in. Like those many times before, on this day my focus
was on the orphanage – with little thought truly given to what I would encounter when I saw the place of my
birth.
My friend and I were picked up at our hotel by a hired driver – a local who spoke almost no English.
Marie showed him the map that she had hand drawn in a journal with the address of the nursing home, and
we headed off to our destination. We drove up and down the designated street for over 30 minutes looking
for the home, when finally, after
driving to a parallel road, I saw
the sign marking the nursing
home in question.
It was nestled on the side
of a building and almost
impossible to see from the street.
There was a very clean staircase
that took you up to this first floor
medical facility. I remember
feeling butterflies in my stomach,
wondering what it must have
been like for my pregnant mother
to climb those stairs. Did she do it
alone? Were others with her?
The place where Angelena was born, Mandakini Nursing Home, is still in operation. The entrance
Marie and I walked in and is a small dark doorway on the side of the building
it took us a few minutes to
communicate our purpose for being there to the nurse that greeted us. Thankfully, an Indian gentleman was
there who spoke English and Hindi and he kindly translated that I was not there because I had an eye
infection, but in fact had come back to the place of my birth. The nurse got an excited look on her face and
ran and got a gentleman, who I assume was the doctor, to come and greet us. After some additional
explanation they kindly agreed to show me the home. It
was very clean with four or five small rooms, three twin
beds in each, that houses individuals who are willing to pay
for private medical care. I remember walking through,
focusing on every detail so that I’d remember as much as
possible, wondering which room I was born in.
After the tour, we thanked the staff and as we went
to leave, the doctor placed his hand on my head in
blessing. Then, we left. I traveled down those stairs, for the
The nurse, who greeted Angelena and friend, escorted them on second time in my life, to the road that would take me
a tour through the nursing home.
away again with fewer gaps in my personal history than
when I
had arrived. We drove from there to the orphanage and
sadly weren’t able to see it, as it’s now a nursing school.
I’m grateful that I had the opportunity to see
where I was born, and that it was a positive experience. I
realize that it is unique to my story and that many who
seek answers to their past may find even less than I did
or be wounded by what they do discover. However, what
I learned from my trip was that sometimes, when you
face those things that you have avoided for so long, you’ll
be pleasantly surprised by what you discover. Instead of
finding the rejection I feared I found love – the universal
bond beyond ethnicity – and something I hope all
adoptees and their families find as well.
Angelena was adopted through Family Connections in the
1980s. She currently lives and works in Washington DC.
Angelena (back, center) visits an orphanage outside of Kolkata,
run by the parents of her friend. The International mission of
Hope orphanage where Angelena spent the first four months of
her life is no longer in existence.
Book Review
The Whole Brain Child by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
This is a wonderful book for the layman—easy to read and loaded
with information about the brain that will help parents understand child
behavior in a whole new way. It gives the reader specific tools to make
parenting easier and relationships with your child more meaningful.
In clear and entertaining language, the authors explain how
knowledge of the workings of the brain, helps us understand behavior.
The good news is that no matter what age, the brain is capable of positive
change; it has plasticity.
Learning how to use every day moments to help your kids become
caring, responsible people is the object of this book. You can use the
angry, stressful moments as well as the happy ones, advise the authors.
“Instead of an obstacle to avoid, view conflict as an opportunity to teach
your kids essential relationship skills…” The book is full of practical and
workable ways to do this.
IN MEMORIAM
Many hearts were sorely grieved at the death of Rob
Bohning. He was 47 years old and had waged a valiant struggle
against aggressive cancer for more than 3 years. Rob was not
afraid to die, but he so much wanted to live every moment
possible for his wife Lori and their two children, Andrew and
Olivia. He suffered through excruciating surgeries, invasive
procedures, many tests and treatments; he bounced back so
fast, you hardly remembered he had cancer.
Rob had a variety of interests and skills—all unified by
his love of God and his unwavering faith in Jesus. He was a
young marine in the Gulf war, later a computer engineer, quietly brilliant in his field. His
abilities as a photographer blossomed into more than a hobby, as people began to order the
beautiful pictures from his website. Cycling became a way for Rob to stay in shape to fight the
cancer and in the middle of great physical ordeals, he would often cycle long miles with
friends.
Overarching all of these interests was Rob’s deep love of his family. When he and Lori
adopted Andrew and then Olivia through Family Connections, the children became to them
“not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone, but still miraculously my own.” There was no
doubting that bond; his
children are grieving for him
with broken hearts, but
they know with deep
certainty that their father
loved them.
For them and for Lori,
his soul mate and the love
of his life, he left a legacy of
strength in the midst of
weakness, joy in the midst
of pain and in the midst of
death, hope of life eternal.
CORRECTING TRAUMA
BASED BEHAVIORS
By Karen Wood
It is important to understand and remember that the trauma your child experienced and their lack of
healthy relationships creates a unique set of circumstances that requires new parenting skills. What worked with
biological children that have not experienced trauma will not always work with children who have experienced
trauma. Karyn Purvis & Dr. Cross from Texas Christian University have spent many years studying “children
from hard places.” A term they have coined that means children who have experienced trauma in their early
years. In working with these children they have identified behaviors that exist because of the trauma they
experienced. They have developed parenting techniques that will help correct these behaviors and help children
heal from their trauma at the same time. They refer to their techniques as Trust Based Relational Interventions
and Trust Based Parenting.
Here are some of the general ideas of Trust Based Parenting

Felt Safety
-The goal of all correcting techniques is to help a child feel safe.
-Karyn Purvis uses the term Felt Safety to define when a child actually learns he is safe
-This is accomplished by…
-Catching the behavior low
-Making the task at hand secondary
-Determine if the child needs empowering… rest, exercise, food, water, etc.
-Immediately establishing a connection
-Helping the child to calm through empowering, connecting or calming techniques
-Once the child is calm and connected you can check in and see if they are ready to return to the
task at hand.
-They feel safe when they are CONNECTED & CALM.

Must Connect to Correct
-You must connect with a child first before you can correct their behaviors and get a lasting change.
-If a child does not feel safe they are not in a learning mode.
-Through punishment, threats and shame you may stop the behavior but you will not extinguish it.
-Finding ways to connect even in the most difficult moments is critical.

I.D.E.A.L
-Immediate – Must address each issue in the moment
-Direct – Must make eye contact and be direct
-Efficient – Only use the amount of energy necessary to correct the behavior
-Action Based - Have the child actually redo the behavior correctly so they create a motor memory of how
to do it right
-Leveled at Behavior – Not the Child – Address the behavior, never focus on the child’s preciousness. This
is never in question.

Keep The Train Moving
-When things are going well it is like a train that is on the track
-When the train begins to derail it is critical to get the train back on track before trying to move forward
again.
-Often parents try to keep things moving forward and it just gets bumpier because the train was derailed.
-You must have time built into your day to stop and get the train on the track again.

Fill the Bank With Yes
-Children that have not had their needs met become afraid and can melt down if they believe they are not
going to get what they want.
-They believe their wants are critical to their survival, even if we know they are not.
-You need to fill their bank with “Yes” before you can withdraw a “No”
-Tell them “Yes” a hundred times by setting up situation after situation that you can meet their needs.
-If you have not filled the bank enough and must say “No” expect a melt down and support them
appropriately.
-They must be taught and practice how to accept a “No” before they will do it gracefully in a real situation.

Stopping a Behavior verses Healing a Behavior
-All Trauma Based Behaviors are a sign that the child is scared and believes he must be in control to survive.
-When a child is afraid and in Fight, Flight or Freeze any attempt by an adult to punish or control will drive
the child further into their survival mode.
-At times you can scare a child enough that they will stop the behavior.
-When this happens you have stopped the undesirable behavior but done nothing to help them learn how to
manage the emotions that are under the behavior.
-Essentially you have guaranteed this behavior will continue and possibly escalate.
-When you use techniques that encourage healing you create a sense of Felt Safety

Humor is Critical
-Don’t sweat the small stuff.
-Laugh with your child.
-Ask “is this big deal or little deal?”
-Teach your child what is a big deal and what isn’t.
-They must also know if it is a big deal you will help them work through it not isolate them.

Create a Healing Plan
-Teach Scripts – Short phrases to help remind your child of appropriate behaviors
-Gentle and Kind
-Use words
-Asking or Telling
-Teach Calming Techniques – Ways to help a child regulate their emotions
-Teach Life Skills – Skills they may have missed such as table manners.
FCCA is committed to teaching our families about Trust Based Parenting. We have DVD’s and books that
can be checked out to further help families understand the research behind these techniques. We also
offer an Adoptive Preparation 4 class that teaches how to bring Trust Based Parenting into your home. If
you have questions contact your social worker or Karen Wood the Education/Intervention social worker at
209-524-8844.