THEGERMANQUESTION
APlaybyWilliamIvorFowkes
Inthebeginningtherewas…thespin.
William Ivor Fowkes
130 West 67th St., #1C
New York, NY 10023
917-689-4260
[email protected]
www.williamivorfowkes.com
THEGERMANQUESTION2
THEGERMANQUESTION
APlaybyWilliamIvorFowkes
SYNOPSIS
What happens when those who spin the truth for a living find their lies backfiring in their
own lives? Trevor Greystone is a prime specimen of the PR species, a professional paid
to put the best possible spin on things. At the moment, all he wants from life is to be left
in peace to study his German lessons, but he keeps being interrupted by people who pour
their heart out to him and become infuriated when he minimizes their problems. Despite
his calm exterior, however, we soon discover that his life is spinning out of control and
that his German lessons are part of a plan to free himself from his past and make amends
for some of the lies he has committed. In the end, this play is about self-deception, selfknowledge, and authenticity.
SETTING
The Greystone family living room in New Rochelle, New York.
TIME
2003
THEGERMANQUESTION3
THEGERMANQUESTION
APlaybyWilliamIvorFowkes
CAST BREAKDOWN
A Cast of 5 playing 8 roles + 1 voice
Actor
#1
Gender
Male
#2
Male
#3
#4
Male
Female
Character
Trevor Greystone. Works in PR. Married with
college-age daughter. Likeable and easy to please,
but secretive. On the surface, one of the nicest guys
you’ve ever met.
Age
40s
Scenes
1,2,3,4,5
Jerry Hobart. Trevor’s neighbor and best friend.
Married. A friendly guy.
Louie Allemano. Married. Cocky. Obnoxious. A
womanizer.
40s
1,5
40s
2
Chuck O’Brian. College student. Athletic. A bit
pushy and goofy.
Ira Klopnick. Struggling songwriter. Single.
Frustrated, pessimistic, and insecure. Has low selfesteem.
19
1,5
30s
2
n/a
50s
Late 70s
1,3,5
1,2,
4,5
40s
3,5
German Instructor (voiceover).
Margaret Allen. Single. Timid. Fearful.
Dr. Vivian Sedler. Therapist. Speaks with a
German accent. Wise and supportive, but weary.
Aware that her time is running out.
Note: it would be helpful to cast someone who can
read German out loud.
#5
Female
Elizabeth (Beth) Greystone. Trevor’s wife.
Intelligent and competent. Hardened by her anger.
THEGERMANQUESTION4
SCENES
Scene 1
March 2003. A Saturday afternoon.
German Instructor Voiceover, Trevor Greystone, Jerry Hobart,
Chuck O’Brien, Margaret Allen.
Scene 2
That evening.
Trevor, Ira Klopnick, Louie Allemano, Margaret.
Scene 3
The next Saturday afternoon.
German Instructor Voiceover, Trevor, Beth Greystone.
Scene 4
FLASHBACK: January 2003. (Two months earlier.)
Trevor, Dr. Vivian Sedler.
Scene 5
Late March 2003. (Two weeks after the beginning of the play.)
German Instructor Voiceover, Trevor, Beth, Jerry, Chuck, Dr.
Sedler.
NOTE ABOUT THE TEXT
A translation and a pronunciation guide are provided for many of the lines of German
text. Please note, however, that the pronunciation provided is a very rough guide. It might
be helpful to have someone who can read German out loud run through the German lines
with the actor playing the role of the German Instructor Voiceover.
THEGERMANQUESTION5
Background for Excerpt: In Scene 1, Trevor Hudson is trying to learn German with the
help of a CD, but is distracted by personal problems. In addition, people start interrupting
his day, insisting he listen to their issues. Next-door neighbor Jerry Hobart thinks his wife
is having an affair with someone called GreenwichHunk632 online; Chuck O’Brien, a
weird college-age friend of Trevor’s daughter, is upset that she hasn’t returned any of his
calls or emails; and Margaret Allen shows up for a meeting several hours early.
EXCERPT
Scene 2: That evening (March 2003). The Greystone living room.
Trevor welcomes Ira Klopnick, the last of
three visitors to arrive. The others are
already seated.
TREVOR
Guten abend, Herr Klopnick.*
[Pronunciation: Goo-ten ah-bend, hair
Klopnick.]
[*Translation: Good evening, Mr.
Klopnick.]
IRA KLOPNICK
Sorry I’m late, everybody. I got lost—typical, right?
TREVOR
Kein Problem, gutter Herr.
[Kine (ine as in line) prōb-laym, goo-ter
hair.]
[No problem, good sir.]
IRA
Huh?
TREVOR
Besser spät als nie
[Bess-er shpayt ahlss nee.]
[Better late than never.]
IRA
(to the others)
What’s he doing?
THEGERMANQUESTION6
LOUIE ALLEMANO
He’s studying German. You should hear his CDs.
(in a mock German accent)
“You vill sprechen-sie Deutsch, ja?”
IRA
(looking around)
Wow—what a great place! You should see MY dump.
LOUIE ALLEMANO
(pointing to some prints on the wall)
And look at those prints! Original Hirschfelds.
IRA
Al Hirschfeld? The guy who did all those theater caricatures? Cool!
TREVOR
Louie, would you like a glass of water?
LOUIE
Sure.
TREVOR
Margaret?
MARGARET
I don’t want to impose.
TREVOR
You’re not!
MARGARET
I’m fine.
Trevor starts to exit.
IRA
(sitting)
What am I—dirt?
TREVOR
Sorry, Ira. What would you like?
IRA
Nothing for me, thanks.
THEGERMANQUESTION7
TREVOR
Also, gut! Nur eine minute!
[Ahl-zo goot! Noor eye-na mee-noo-ta.]
[Okay, good. Just a minute.]
Trevor exits.
IRA
How weird!
LOUIE
I guess we should just be thankful he hasn’t taken up stamp collecting.
IRA
Don’t make fun of me!
LOUIE
Oh, I didn’t know.
Trevor enters. Hands Louie a glass of water.
TREVOR
Here you go, Louie.
LOUIE
Thanks.
TREVOR
Bitte.
[Bit-ta]
(down to business)
So—how should this work?
Trevor sits.
TREVOR
Who wants to begin?
MARGARET
Wait! What about Sarah?
TREVOR
Oh, she can’t make it.
MARGARET
But we re-scheduled this for her!
THEGERMANQUESTION8
TREVOR
She said something came up.
MARGARET
How manipulative!
LOUIE
Probably something to do with Michael—you know, that asshole husband of hers.
MARGARET
(sadly)
It’s so strange to be doing this without Dr. Sedler. I’m not sure we should.
TREVOR
We’re already here! Someone begin!
LOUIE
All right, I’LL begin.
(turning to face Ira)
Ira, tell us what’s happening with your songs?
IRA
That’s how YOU begin?
LOUIE
I’m curious. I care about you.
IRA
I care about you, too—so, how’s your wife?
LOUIE
No, no, no—the songs. Tell us about the songs.
IRA
Well…there’s not much to tell. … I’m still writing ’em. … I’ve written a dozen new ones
since…well, you know—since she died.
TREVOR
Good for you!
IRA
But what good it’ll do, I don’t know. I can’t afford to put out another album right now.
The last one set me back two thousand dollars. I sold maybe a hundred copies.
TREVOR
THEGERMANQUESTION9
Hey—it’s a start.
IRA
I’m getting too old to still be starting. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother.
TREVOR
It’ll happen—you’ll see.
LOUIE
Trevor, he doesn’t need any more of your pablum. It’s time for a reality check, Ira!
TREVOR
This IS reality. Dr. Sedler always said it’s all up to us. If Ira puts his mind to it, he can
accomplish anything he wants. We can ALL accomplish anything we want. If Sarah were
here, she’d agree with me.
LOUIE
Well, Sarah’s not exactly the best judge now, is she? I mean, look how she’s handling her
husband’s affair.
MARGARET
What do you mean?
LOUIE
You know—what she said last time. How she told him she didn’t mind, and how she
never complains when he sneaks off to see his girlfriend. I mean, this is one sick
woman—not someone whose opinion we should value.
IRA
Hey, we shouldn’t be talking about Sarah behind her back!
TREVOR
And we’re not supposed to judge.
LOUIE
I’m not judging, I’m just telling you—what she’s doing isn’t healthy.
TREVOR
Careful!
LOUIE
All I’m saying is…if I ever had an affair…
IRA
If?!
THEGERMANQUESTION10
LOUIE
Well, O.K., so you all know I’m a little fixated on women.
IRA
Is rice white?
LOUIE
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
IRA
Is butter yellow?
LOUIE
But I wouldn’t want my wife’s permission.
IRA
Are tomatoes…?
LOUIE
(cutting Ira off)
The whole point is to keep these things hidden so no one gets hurt. What did people ever
do before the Internet? I bet it’s saved a lot of marriages
TREVOR
My best friend would disagree with you on that one.
LOUIE
No, look… All right—let me tell you about the woman I’m seeing right now.
IRA
Oh, good! We haven’t heard one of your sordid stories in months.
(to Trevor)
Sorry, Trevor.
LOUIE
It all started very innocently—I met her online. But then suddenly it flared up into
something bigger. Different. I don’t know. And, by the way, it’s the best sex of my life!
IRA
I knew this would be sordid.
LOUIE
And the thing is—it’s all been kept out of sight. My wife doesn’t know. Her husband
doesn’t know. My point is—these things never last, so people are better off not knowing.
(emphatically)
No one gets hurt!
THEGERMANQUESTION11
MARGARET
I don’t understand. If I loved someone, I would never dream of…
LOUIE
(cutting her off—snapping)
Of course you don’t understand—you’ve never even been in a relationship!
MARGARET
(crying)
Please don’t hit me!
TREVOR
He’s not going to hit you, Margaret.
MARGARET
But he wants to!
LOUIE
(softening)
No, I don’t. … I’m sorry I over-reacted.
MARGARET
(calming down)
It’s okay. It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have judged. … You’re right—I’ve never been in a
relationship. I can’t even imagine what it’s like to be married, so the thought of having an
affair on top of all that? I can’t begin to understand how you… I mean, how does all this
work?
IRA
I’ll tell you how this works! Louie meets them online, and they make a plan to meet.
Then if he likes what he sees, he goes to bed with them. Then if he likes what happens in
bed, he keeps going to bed with them until he gets bored, and then he dumps them. Am I
right?
LOUIE
You little shit!
IRA
What’s your screen name? I bet it’s awesome!
LOUIE
Forget it! You’re making fun of me.
IRA
THEGERMANQUESTION12
No, I’m not! I’m working on some songs about the Internet. I need to find out what
screen names people use.
LOUIE
All right—but no judging.
IRA
I promise.
LOUIE
Okay, then. … It’s “GreenwichHunk632.”
TREVOR
(yelling)
What?! You’re the Greenwich Hunk?!
LOUIE
What do you mean?
TREVOR
(calming down—covering his tracks)
Never mind—it’s just an odd name, that’s all.
IRA
No, I get it—totally! It’s good marketing! No one’s gonna respond to “Boring Man from
Greenwich Who Wants to Get Laid.”
LOUIS
(screaming)
This is how you repay me, you little punk? After I’ve been so supportive through all your
crap?
IRA
I’m sorry. … You don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want.
LOUIE
(calming down)
It’s okay. Actually, I NEED to talk about this. You see… it’s getting serious this time. I
think we’re falling in love. I think we’re gonna start a new life together. Dr. Sedler
wanted me to stop sleeping around and learn how to focus on one person. She’d be so
proud.
TREVOR
(finally exploding)
Are you crazy?! That’s not what she meant! What about your wife? What about her
husband—and their kids? They’ve got two children!
THEGERMANQUESTION13
LOUIE
How do you know that? I didn’t say anything about children.
TREVOR
They always have children! How could you do such a thing?
IRA
Trevor, who’s being judgmental now?
TREVOR
I’m sorry! But how does this make you FEEL? Dr. Sedler said we could talk about
feelings. Doesn’t it make you feel shitty?
IRA
She meant you could talk about YOUR feelings.
TREVOR
Right—I mean YOUR feelings, Louie.
LOUIE
I don’t feel shitty.
TREVOR
I’m not surprised!
LOUIE
I feel frightened.
MARGARET
Oh, Louie—I’ve never known you to be frightened.
LOUIE
Scared as hell! So many lives are at risk… And the whole thing could blow up in my
face. But I also feel something I haven’t felt in years—happy. Just the thought of settling
down with her somewhere—though probably not in Greenwich…
TREVOR
And definitely not in New Rochelle!
LOUIE
I don’t care where—as long as we’re together. Can we just drop this? Somebody else—
please spill your guts.
IRA
Trevor, maybe you should take your turn now.
THEGERMANQUESTION14
TREVOR
(more calmly)
Oh. … I have nothing to report. … Everything’s fine.
IRA
You know you can tell us anything.
MARGARET
Don’t push him! He’ll tell us when he’s ready.
IRA
Last time you said Beth freaked out when you told her your news.
TREVOR
Well, yes, she did—but she got over it.
MARGARET
Are you going to stay together?
TREVOR
Of course we are! Nothing’s changing.
IRA
Really? After what happened? That’s very odd.
MARGARET
Where IS Beth? I’d love to meet her.
TREVOR
(faking it)
She went out. She said she didn’t want to interfere.
(defensively)
Really!
(pointing to a coffee cup on a table or counter)
See—there’s her coffee cup!
MARGARET
How’s your daughter handling everything?
TREVOR
She’s fine.
LOUIE
Kids are never fine about these things. Maybe she should see a therapist.
THEGERMANQUESTION15
TREVOR
(sarcastically—snapping)
Well, ours just died, so who do YOU suggest, Mr. Greenwich Hunk?!
(calmly)
Sorry. … Trust me, Caroline’s fine.
LOUIE
I don’t believe you!
TREVOR
(angrily)
Well, I don’t give a rat’s ass what you think!
MARGARET
Are you all right?
TREVOR
(calmly—defeated)
We haven’t told her yet.
LOUIE
That explains it.
TREVOR
I’m not ready.
(clearly uncomfortable)
Someone else, please!
IRA
Margaret—your turn.
MARGARET
I’ve got nothing to report either. … I just can’t stop thinking about Dr. Sedler. … I can’t
believe Vivian is gone.
IRA
You dare refer to her by her first name?
MARGARET
I miss her.
(more quietly)
I think I loved her.
LOUIE
We ALL loved her, Margaret.
THEGERMANQUESTION16
MARGARET
No, I mean I really loved her.
(proudly)
I was in love with her. I AM in love with her.
LOUIE
Oh—I see.
IRA
Wait—you mean love…like between two women…like lesbians?
MARGARET
(snapping)
Yes, I loved her like that! Okay?!
IRA
But she was old enough to be your…!
TREVOR
Ira!
IRA
You never mentioned it.
(to the others)
She never mentioned it.
LOUIE
I always suspected.
IRA
Really?
LOUIE
How blind can you be?
MARGARET
(crying)
I’m not sure I can go on. I don’t think we should be doing this without her.
LOUIE
Trevor—say something to console her! You of all people!
TREVOR
I have nothing more to say.
IRA
THEGERMANQUESTION17
Maybe we SHOULD try to find a new therapist.
LOUIE
Maybe we should just disband.
MARGARET
No! Not that! Even though I know none of you like me, you’re the only connection to her
I have left!
TREVOR
We all like you, Margaret. … And I can’t believe she died either.
IRA
She wasn’t exactly a spring chicken.
MARGARET
(adoringly)
She was ageless. So many lives were made better by this woman.
LOUIE
Who saw her last?
IRA
It must have been Margaret—you were having an affair with her, right?
MARGARET
I wasn’t having an affair!
IRA
I thought that’s what you meant.
LOUIE
I saw her the first week of January.
IRA
She cancelled MY last appointment. I didn’t know she was sick. I just thought she was
bored with me.
TREVOR
I saw her in late January.
LOUIE
Then you must have been the last one to see her.
IRA
(smugly)
THEGERMANQUESTION18
I bet SOMEBODY profited from her death.
MARGARET
How can you think like that? And I don’t think she had much of an estate anyway.
LOUIE
40 years in practice could add up to something. I wonder who got it all?
IRA
Well, I don’t know who inherited her estate, but I know one person in this room who got
something. … All right, I’ll stop playing games.
(proudly)
Dr. Sedler mentioned me in her will.
LOUIE
Yeah, I BET she mentioned you! I bet it says, “And don’t forget to say hi to Ira
Klopnick!”
IRA
Very funny—that’s such an old joke! No—she left me something. I know you all think I
was the superfluous one in the group. The guy who never had anything significant to say.
LOUIE
Jesus, Ira—when are you gonna start believing we don’t think you’re a worthless excuse
for a human being?
MARGARET
So, what did you get, Ira?
IRA
I got one of those framed illuminated manuscripts. You know—those beautiful pictures
on the wall in her office? Some medieval German thing. I got a registered letter out of the
blue, and then it arrived a few days later. I bet it’s worth a lot of money.
MARGARET
You’d sell it?
IRA
No. But if I ever needed the money, it’s nice to know I’ve got something.
LOUIE
Well, congratulations, Ira! Now maybe you’ll believe Dr. Sedler respected you.
IRA
That’s what I was trying to say.
(suddenly sad)
THEGERMANQUESTION19
Unless maybe it just means she felt sorry for me.
MARGARET
Which one was it? There were three.
IRA
The one with some woman on a donkey.
MARGARET
You mean Mary.
IRA
How do you know her name?
LOUIE
Hey, that’s not fair—that was my favorite! I got the one with the guy playing the lute.
IRA
You mean she liked you as much as me?
LOUIE
She liked us all the same, asshole!
MARGARET
Um, excuse me… she left me one, too. The one with the angel.
LOUIE
Well, how about that? … Wait—what about Trevor?
IRA
And I thought he was therapist’s pet!
Margaret starts crying.
LOUIE
Why are YOU crying? YOU got something.
MARGARET
I thought she had special feelings for me.
(still crying)
But she obviously had special feelings for all of you, too.
LOUIE
Apparently not for Trevor…
IRA
THEGERMANQUESTION20
Didn’t she leave you anything? How about that Mary Cassatt print hanging over her
desk? The one you were always admiring.
TREVOR
No, she didn’t give me the Mary Cassatt. But—all right—she did give me something, so
don’t worry about me.
IRA
What did she give you?
TREVOR
Just some money.
IRA
You don’t need money.
LOUIE
Everyone needs money.
IRA
Yeah, but some of us need it a lot more than he does. Look around! He’s doing all right.
TREVOR
It wasn’t so much the money as the gesture.
IRA
How big a gesture?
TREVOR
$15,000.
IRA
$15,000?!! That’s a pretty big gesture.
TREVOR
It’s not that much money. It’s not going to change my life.
IRA
Then I’ll tell you what—give ME the money, and I’ll give you the picture of Mary on the
ass.
TREVOR
You know how she always said she wanted to help us clear away the obstacles preventing
us from doing what we needed to do.
IRA
THEGERMANQUESTION21
You’ve lost me.
TREVOR
By giving me this money, she made sure I’d have no excuse not to do what I need to do.
IRA
And what do you need to do?
TREVOR
I need to go to Germany.
IRA
You never mentioned this before.
LOUIE
Is that what those German CDs are all about?
TREVOR
Right.
MARGARET
So, Vivian’s paying for this trip?
TREVOR
Right.
LOUIE
What the heck’s in Germany?
TREVOR
A fresh start.
IRA
Huh?
END OF SCENE
[END OF EXCERPT]