Suck-Proof Your Life
How to Hug A Vampire, Part 1– a sermon by Chris Edmondson
Originally created for use at onechurch.tv, free for use and distribution without restriction
Vampires are the rage. You turn on the television, there’s some vampires. You go to the movies,
boom, vampires. Everywhere I turn, I’m seeing more and more vampires. It’s Halloween, and some of
you have vampires on your front porch wanting candy!
We’re starting a series this weekend called “How to Hug a Vampire.” So, here’s what I want you
to do. I want you to turn to your neighbor – turn to your neighbor, and I want you to say this, “Someone
sucks the life out of me.” Go ahead. Now, say this, “And it could be you.”
Let’s all do this together. Stick your finger up in the air. Can you do this? Just – come on, with
me – all right? (Now, if you’re the one rebellious person who won’t do this, you know you’re the
vampire.) Okay, so here it is, finger in the air. All right? Now just loosen it up a little bit. Yeah. Some
of y’all really get into this; I like that. I’m at church; I got my finger in the air. All right, now, I want you
to do this with me. No, no, no, do it with me – curve it – okay? – just curve it, curve it. Can you give a
little extra – curve it, just like me. Can you see that? Just like me. Okay, now, I want you to repeat after
me, “I am pointing at a vampire.”
All right. Everybody sucks –– the life out of somebody. We’re all vampires. We all drain others;
we’re all broken; we all have places in our lives that are messed up. I bet that you have some vampires in
your life as well. All of us have someone that sucks the life out of us. Everybody sucks the life out of
somebody.
Some of you are married to a vampire. Your spouse is sucking the life out of you and draining the
joy out of your life. Some of you have vampires for friends. They just keep taking and taking and taking
from you, and you just keep giving and giving and giving. Others are raising little vampires. Your kids are
running you; you’re not running your kids. Your children won’t do homework. Won’t do chores. They
don’t treat you with respect—yet you still keep on giving and giving to them. Some of you are raising
little vampires.
So we’re going to talk about how to deal with other people who suck the life out of us. But before
we can do that, we first must talk about you. Our first point is this…
1. Loving the people who suck life out of you starts with realizing how much you suck too.
We suck the energy out of people. We are all needy people. We are going to look at practical
things in this series. How to deal with people who get on your last nerve. But I want to remind you and
I—you get on somebody else’s last nerve, too. Somebody right now in this audience is hoping that you
are hearing what I’m saying. Because we are all sinners. We are all Vamps. We are all prone to be the
center of our universe. We focus on ourselves to the exclusion of others.
But here’s the thing—it is easier to look at other people’s faults than it is our own. We get so
focused on the other people who are vampires in our lives that we forget that I am a sinner as well, and
that I suck the life out of other people, too.
Why is that? Why do we focus on other people’s problems and excuse our own? The answer is
what is in my hand.
Prop: Mirror & Magnifying Glass
There is a long list of things vampires don’t do. Vampires don’t do garlic. Vampires don’t do
wooden stakes. Vampires don’t do holy water. Vampires don’t do werewolves. Vampires don’t do
sunlight. Vampires don’t go and watch Twilight movies!
Vampires don’t do mirrors. Vampires don’t do self-reflection. They can’t deal with selfreflection. Because self-reflection is hard and difficult, isn’t it? Self-reflection takes a degree of maturity.
To be honest enough to see your shortcomings. Vampires don’t have the guts for self-reflection, so many
times they go on the attack against qualities in others that they struggle with themselves.
Jesus talked about the tendency of looking at other people’s problems without looking at our own.
Matthew 7:3-5 says…
“And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can
you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you
can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then
you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.
Matthew 7:3-5 (NLT)
Jesus is saying, “When you are all focused on what is wrong with me and you neglect what is wrong with
you—you are a hypocrite. What I have noticed is that people who are hyper-critical are usually
hypocritical. They hide hypocrisy in themselves by being critical of other people. Let me put it another
way: Put down the magnifying glass and pick up a mirror!
When you realize that you are not a vampire hunter designed stake out all of the other vampires
and try to fix all of the other people and clean up everyone else’s life—that sets you free. Because the
same Jesus who loved you through your dysfunction and still loves you through your current
dysfunction—He wants to love other people through you through their dysfunction.
This series is all going to be about relationships. Marriages. Friendships. Parenting. Co-workers.
But the first step of loving the people who suck the life out of you is saying, “God. Without You, I would
be nothing!” We all stand in need of grace.
2. Before you can really reach out to anybody else, you've got to define your own property lines.
Listen to what Proverbs 23:10 says…
Don’t cheat your neighbor by moving the ancient boundary markers.
Proverbs 23:10 (NLT)
If you’re a home owner and you ever wanted to do a project in your yard, you can contact the county and
order a property survey and find out where you’re property line ends and where your neighbors begins.
No I know some of you. You would say, “My property line ends where I stop mowing!” Naw. If
you want to put up a fence, you just don’t guess where you think the fence should be. You have to know
where your property line is.
Many people who come to church just don’t know where your property line is, and it causes them
endless stress and headaches. You’re mowing other people’s yards! You don’t know the clear property
lines to what is and what is not your responsibility under God. If you draw your property lines in the right
place, it minimizes frustration and conflict. And just as Proverbs 23:10 says, when you don’t define your
property lines clearly, someone will be cheated and hurt. Someone can steal your joy if you don’t have—
and here’s the word for the day—boundaries.
Let me state our Big Idea today…
Big Idea: Vampires live in houses with moats and walls. Healthy people live in houses with gates and
fences.
Wow. No one wrote that down! What’s wrong with you people? I’m just joking. Let me state it
another way, so it’s a little easier to understand.
Big Idea: Unhealthy people build barriers. Healthy people establish boundaries.
Let’s dig into this Big Idea. First, Vampires live in houses with moats and walls. You go to
Transylvania to some of those castles, you will see 40 foot walls around the castle with a moat.
Anyone in here have a moat around your house? If so, you’re weird! Moats and walls are barriers.
And barriers aren’t healthy. Barriers are designed to keep people out and away. And that isn’t healthy.
Why? Because God called us to be relational. We are relational beings. But barriers are walls we build
around the heart.
Unhealthy people build barriers, and barriers are always built because of past pain. We keep
people away because someone hurt us in the past. Let me give you an example of a barrier. Let’s say a
friend of yours asks to borrow a $100. This person hasn’t asked you for anything like this before—they
have just fallen on hard times. This person says they will pay you back next payday. So you let them
borrow a $100.
Next payday, you ask for your money back, and they tell you, “I’m not going to pay you back!”
Ouch! Ticks you off. So you make the decision then and there, “I am never going to lend money to
anyone ever again!” That is a barrier. Barriers are based on past hurts, and keeps you from trusting anyone
ever again.
Write this down:
Unhealthy people create barriers based on past hurts and fears that create isolation.
Jesus was all about tearing down barriers. The ancient world was a segregated society. Men against
women, race against race. Judgments and Jesus came to tear down walls of all of the -isms: Racism,
classism, sexism—all of the bad stuff.
But look at what Jesus came to do. Look at these words found in Galatians 3…
For you are (what is that word?) all children of God through faith in Christ Jesus. And (what?) all
who have been (what is that word?) united with Christ in baptism, so there’s is no longer Jew or
Gentile, slave or free, male and female. For you are (what?) all one in Christ Jesus.
Galatians 3:26-28 (NLT)
Jesus Christ came to tear down barriers. I love how Paul describes barriers in Ephesians 2. Listen to how
Paul describes the division between these different groups of people: the Jews and non-Jewish people,
called Gentiles.
Don’t forget that you Gentiles used to be outsiders. In those days you were living (what is that
word?) apart from Christ. You were (what is that word?) excluded from citizenship among the
people of Israel… But now you have been (what does it say?) united with Christ Jesus. Once you
were far away from God, but now you have been brought near to him through the blood of Christ.
For Christ himself has brought peace to us. He united Jews and Gentiles into one people when, in
his own body on the cross, he broke down the wall of hostility that separated us. (Paul’s describing
a barrier.)
Ephesians 2:11-14 (NLT)
Pic: Temple Mount
In that day, Jews on the Temple mount would literally build a barrier—a wall—so that Gentiles
would not pass. They would hang signs on this wall “Let no foreigner go beyond this point. You will be
responsible for your own death.” Barriers keep people out and keep people at a distance. Barriers create
isolation.
For some of you, your pain runs deep. Someone abused you. Abused your trust. Someone has
taken advantage of you. And for our own self-protection, we keep everyone at arms length. We may be
afraid to be close and truly love another because we have a belief we will lose ourselves in a
relationship… again. So we inadvertently push people away.
Christians are the master of creating barriers. Many Christians were on the wrong side of racism
and segregation. They would invent Bible verses creating barriers between black and white. Entire
denominations were created because Christians refused to love people from different races. That is wrong.
That is based on fear. That is sin.
Let me tell you another one: many Christians were on the wrong side of women’s rights. Jesus and
the Bible have never been against women. So why did it take so long to grant women the right to vote?
Because all of us have a tendency to build barriers.
Let me explain one to you, and it revolves around this picture:
Pic: Equal Sign
I think Christians are wrong in how we have approached the homosexual community. We have
picketed, yelled, screamed, and prohibited the rights of homosexuals. I don’t think it is Christian to refuse
anyone of their rights. I do believe the Bible is clear about homosexuality, that it isn’t what God intends
and what’s best for His children, but Christians are called to love others, not prohibit someone’s rights. I
believe that if we spend more time listening and tearing down barriers, we would go farther in spreading
God’s love to everyone. You can disagree with me on this point, but we would do more for the kingdom
if Christians were better tearing down barriers rather than building them. Why?
Because Jesus is a barrier buster—ultimately breaking down the biggest barrier that all of us
have—the barrier of our sin. He died on the cross to pay for our sins, so we can have access to and have a
relationship with God.
I think a lot of us confuse boundaries with barriers and then create walls around the heart. Look at
the second part of our Big Idea…
Vampires live in houses with moats and walls. Healthy people live in houses with gates and fences.
Gates and fences are boundaries, and boundaries are good. Because healthy people establish
boundaries. Building barriers are defensive in nature. Having boundaries are offensive in nature.
Let me give you an example of the difference of a barrier and of a boundary. Go back to the
friend who borrowed $100 and didn’t pay it back. What a boundary looks like is this. The person who
didn’t pay you back? You don’t hate that person. You forgive that person. You move on. You continue
the relationship. But if he asks to borrow another $100? You say, “No.” That is a boundary.
I read a book in preparation for this series. It is called Boundaries, and it is written by Dr. Henry
Cloud. He talks about this idea of boundaries. Christians shouldn’t be building barriers to keep people out,
but we all have to build boundaries, or else the love of God won’t be protected in our hearts and lives, and
then we won’t have anything to give.
There is a tension here. Write this down…
You can give unconditional love without giving unrestricted access.
If you have a vampire person in your life, what you need to establish boundaries.
We are taught to be like Jesus. Jesus served everybody. Jesus loved everybody. Jesus called us to
love everyone. Love your neighbor. Love your family. Love God. Even love your enemies. Jesus said we
are to love everyone. But here’s the thing: you can give unconditional love without giving unrestricted
access to everybody. It is not unbiblical or unloving to restrict a relationship. Or to renegotiate a
relationship. It is not unbiblical to have boundaries.
Boundaries are biblical. Let me read you some verses out of the Bible.
Oh, the joys of those who do not follow the advice of the wicked, or stand around with sinners, or
join in with mockers.
Psalms 1:1 (NLT)
The Psalmist is saying, “You need to have some boundaries.” Don’t do this with these people. Don’t
follow their advice. Don’t even stand with them. Don’t join them. If you want to experience joy—the
beginning of verse 1—then you have to make a decision, “I have to draw some boundaries and I am not
going to be around some people. There are some people you don’t need to give access to your heart and to
your dreams. Why? Because the people you hang out with will determine your direction and destiny.”
Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.
Proverbs 4:23 (NLT)
Guarding your heart is a boundary. It is Biblical. There are some people you need to keep your guard up
around. That doesn’t mean you don’t love them. It just means, you ‘ve got to set boundaries.
Walk with the wise and become wise; associate with fools and get in trouble.
Proverbs 13:20 (NLT)
Some people you need to put some relational boundaries with, because they will mess you up. I don’t care
how smart you are. How spiritual you are. How much resolve you have—you hang out with
knuckleheads, their stupid is going to rub off on you. Their dysfunction. Their drama. It’s contagious!
Parents, some of you are saying to yourself, “I am so glad my kid is hearing this!” When you’re hanging
out with some people who have enough drama in their life as a middle schooler! Don’t believe me? Just
look at their Facebook page! All of their rants. All of their language. All of their inappropriate pictures in
inappropriate places!
Boundaries are Biblical. If we had a sex offender who came to this church—would it be right for
us to love and accept that person in our church? Yes! Of course it would. Would it be right for us to let
that person volunteer in the kids ministry? No! It’s the reason we do background checks on all of our
volunteers. Because we have to protect something that is valuable.
Boundaries are Biblical. What do you do when there’s a vampire in your church? Paul says in
Titus 3:10…
Warn a divisive person once, and then warn him a second time. After that, have nothing to do with
him.
Titus 3:10 (NIV)
That is in your Bible. That isn’t Tony Soprano—that is the Apostle Paul! I had a guy once told me,
“Chris, I have a problem following you.” Okay, let’s talk about that. Have I done anything to break our
trust? Have I done anything to cause you to call into question my leadership? “No.” He said. “I just don’t
like following anyone.” That is a problem. That is divisiveness.
God’s command for you to love everyone is not permission for you to mismanage the investment
that He has put inside of you. Because you’re a limited resource—you’re not God, you can’t save
everyone—you mismanage your time, your emotion, your energy, because you let other people run you.
You need to draw a boundary.
Do you know that you can't help people who need help? You can only help people who want help.
You’re not Jesus! You can’t save anyone! So stop trying to help people whom you know need help, but
people who don’t want help. All they’re doing is sucking you dry.
Pic: Gated Community Key Pad
Let me paint another picture for you about boundaries. If you are rich enough to have a gate in
your neighborhood, you can give the access code for the gate to your neighborhood. But that doesn’t
mean everyone who gets into your neighborhood gets in your house? And if you let them into your house,
that doesn’t mean they can come into your bedroom! You have to clearly define the parameters of access,
because the boundaries you set determine the nature of the relationship. Some people you can love long
distance. Jesus needs to hug that person for you. You don’t have to rescue them.
Last principle we’re going to look at today comes from Galatians 6. Here’s the principle…
3. We are responsible to others and for ourselves.
We are responsible to others and for ourselves. Paul writes in Galatians 6:1…
Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch
yourself (there’s a boundary), or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this
way you will fulfill the law of Christ.
Galatians 6:1-2 (NLT)
That is our responsibility to one another. Many times others have burdens that are too big to bear. They do
not have enough strength, resources, or knowledge to carry the load, and they need help. Denying
ourselves to do for others what they cannot do for themselves is showing the sacrificial love of Jesus.
That is what He did for us.
Let’s keep on reading.
Each one should test his own actions (your property line). Then he can take pride in himself,
without comparing himself to somebody else, for (what?) each one should carry his own load.
Galatians 6:4-5 (NLT)
That sounds like a contradiction. Which one is it, Paul? You tell me in verse 2 to carry each other’s
burdens. You tell me in verse 5, that each one of us should carry our own load. So which one is it? Both.
The Greek words for burden in verse 2 and load in verse 5 give us some insight. The Greek word
for burden means excess burdens, or boulders. Boulders can crush us. We shouldn’t be expected to carry a
boulder by ourselves! It would break our backs. We need help with boulders—those times of crisis and
tragedy in our lives.
In verse 5, the Greek word for load means cargo, or the burden of a daily toil. This word describes
the everyday things we all need to do. These loads are like knapsacks. Knapsacks are possible to carry.
We’re all expected to carry are own. We are expected to deal with our own feelings, attitudes, and
behaviors, as well as the responsibilities God has given to each one of us, even if it takes effort.
Problems arise when people act as if their knapsacks are like boulders. What does that mean?
Well, there are certain things you can do for people, and there are certain thing you can never do for
people—no matter how much you love them. You have to have wisdom in knowing the difference
between the two.
There are some burdens I can shoulder with you. I can pray for you. I can support you. I can love
you. I can be there for you. I can help you when you cannot help yourself. But when you will not help
yourself, I cannot carry your load. I can help you carry your burden, but I can’t carry your load for you.
All that will do is make you become dependent on me, rather than depending on God. That will make you
weak, rather than you getting stronger.
You can’t change anybody. You can inspire them. You can advise them. But you can’t change
them. You need proof? You can’t really even change yourself. You’ve got some stuff about you that you
would change if you could, but you can’t. So now you’re going to change someone else in their yard?
When you’re grass is coming up to your waist? That’s not going to happen.
When you’re carrying the load of someone else’s responsibility—you’re shouldering the burden
trying to change them—it will break you down every time.
As we close, some of you need to set some boundaries in your marriage. Ladies, some of you have
some husbands in your life you need to set some boundaries with. He can’t just have hard drives filled
with porn and you be okay with that. Do you divorce him? No. But you do tell him, “You’re not going to
stay in this house, and we’re not going to be intimate as long as you continue to look at that junk! You can
choose me—your real wife—or you can choose Bunny—your virtual fling on the screen that has more
plastic in her than a traffic cone, but you can’t have both. You have to choose. That is a boundary. We’re
going to talk about that next week! It’ll be fun!
Some of you need to set some boundaries with your kids. Your kids are running you, you’re not
running your kids. Some of you, the most spiritual thing you can do with your kids is to discipline them. I
was in Wal-mart a couple of weeks ago, this kid is screaming at the top of his lungs. Parent refused to
discipline that child. I was ready to discipline their child! Your children won’t do homework. Won’t do
chores. They don’t treat you with respect—yet you still keep on giving and giving and giving to them.
Some of you are raising little vampires—we’re going to talk about that in a couple of weeks.
Some of you need to set boundaries with your teenager or young adult. You always love you
kids—you never can give up on them. But some of you need to draw a boundary and say, “I am not
paying for you to do another semester of partying, so you don’t learn responsibility—you have to draw a
boundary.
Some of you have vampires for friends. They just keep taking and taking and taking from you, and
you just keep giving and giving and giving. We’re going to talk about friends who are vampires on week
4 of this series. It will be fun!