“One of the Most Hellish Planets” Is, Surprisingly, Not Earth (It's Kepler 78b, Natch) | Vanity Fair
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30/10/2013 23:24
VIDEO
INSIDE THE ISSUE
VF AGENDA
5:09 PM, OCTOBER 30 2013
“One of the Most Hellish Planets” Is,
Surprisingly, Not Earth (It's Kepler 78b,
Natch)
by Juli Weiner
Astronomers, always with their heads in the clouds, have discovered “the first Earth-size
planet that seems to be made of the same mixture of rock and iron as Earth,” The New
York Times reports. Fantastic, let’s go! Thank goodness we have a Plan B, because Earth is
looking a little worse for wear these days, and it might be easier just to forfeit the security
deposit than the clean the apartment, if you know what we’re saying.
A small kink in the plan: the planet in question, Kepler 78b, is “3,500 to 5,000 degrees
Fahrenheit.” According to scientists, that is “well above the temperature where rock melts”
and “probably one of the most hellish planets that have been discovered yet.” Common
sense tells us that if Kepler 78b is 5,000 degrees and hellish, it would be a lot cheaper and
quicker just to go to Tampa.
Another small issue: the Kepler 78b year—that is, the amount of time it takes for the mass
to orbit its sun—is eight-and-a-half hours. If there are 8,765.81 hours in an Earth year,
that means there are 1,031.27 Kepler 78b years in one Earth year. Accordingly, on Kepler
78b . . . John McCain is 79,407 years old, Kim Kardashian and Kris Humprhies were
married for 206 years, and Sarah Palin was once relevant for eight-and-a-half hours in a
row. If the 5,000 degrees thing isn’t a deal-breaker, these conceptual oddities are.
Meanwhile, Kepler 78b’s neighbor, Kepler 78a, doesn’t understand why the stupid broken
thermostat makes things so hot on Kepler 78b and so freezing on Kepler 78a. What the
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“One of the Most Hellish Planets” Is, Surprisingly, Not Earth (It's Kepler 78b, Natch) | Vanity Fair
30/10/2013 23:24
hell is Kepler 78b tipping the super?
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