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Annoyance
A Comedy
Sam Bobrick
A Samuel French Acting Edition
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SAMUELFRENCH-LONDON.CO.UK
Copyright © 2003, 2005 by Sam Bobrick
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4
ANNOYANCE
The Cast
ETHAN STECKLER -- A man in his 30's
DR. ANITA WELLS -- A woman in her early 40's
DR. SIDNEY GATES -- A man in his mid-40's
ANNOYANCE
5
Scene 1
(TIME: The present. Early afternoon.PLACE: The entire play takes place
in a therapist’s office. Stage left is the door to the outer office. Up
stage right is a file cabinet. Down Stage right is a table with a phone
and a rolodex card file of phone numbers. At Center Stage are two
chairs next to one another turned at a slight angle-so as to face each
other as well as the audience. A similar chair is upstage right. Between the chairs, but slightly behind them, is a table with a box of
Kleenex. In front of the table is a wastebasket. AT RISE: The room is
dimly lit. The door opens and Doctor ANITA WELLS, a woman in
her early forties, ENTERS. She switches on the light, sets her purse
down on the table between the chairs and then crosses to the rolodex,
locates a card, picks up the phone and punches in a phone number.)
ANITA. Hello, Donna. I’m sorry to be calling so late. I just had an
emergency come up and I need to cancel this afternoon. Yes, the entire
afternoon. It is quite serious. Tell Professor Stevens how sorry I am but
I’m sure he’ll understand. Yes. Thank you.
(She hangs up, takes a moment, a deep breath. SOUND: A SOFT
ELECTRONIC BELL. A small light goes on at the door indicating a
patient has arrived. ANITA crosses to the door, switches off the indicator light and opens the door. It's ETHAN STECKLER, a man in
his thirties.)
ANITA. (Continued.) Mr. Steckler?
ETHAN. Yes.
5
6
ANNOYANCE
ANITA. Come right in.
ETHAN. Thank you. (ETHAN looks around as Anita leads him to
the two chairs.) Nice office. I would have painted the walls a different
color but it’s still not bad. Which chair would you prefer I sit in?
ANITA. Any one you wish.
ETHAN. Okay, I think I’ll sit in this one.
(He points, crosses and sits in the chair farthest from him.)
ANITA. Fine.
ETHAN. On second thought, I think maybe I should sit in this chair.
(He moves to the other chair.)
ANITA. Certainly.
(ETHAN sits)
ETHAN. No. No I think the energy is better in that chair.
(He moves to the other chair.)
ANITA. Whatever makes you comfortable.
ETHAN. Thank you. I think this seems better.
(As ANITA is about to sit down in the empty chair, ETHAN quickly slides
over to the other chair.)
ETHAN. (Continued.) Actually, I think this one makes the most sense.
ANITA. Good. (She sits. Takes out a pen and pad of paper.) Now
then, Mr. Steckler, when we spoke on the phone this morning you seemed
a bit...a bit....
ETHAN. Anxious?
ANNOYANCE
7
ANITA. Yes, quite anxious. In fact, you seemed almost...
ETHAN. Desperate?
ANITA. Yes. Desperate. And alarmingly so. As I told you, I don’t
have office hours on Tuesday but I thought under those conditions it was
urgent that I be here for you.
ETHAN. (Thinking.) Because I sounded anxious and desperate?
ANITA. Very. It’s fortunate I check my answering service several
times a day. I canceled everything I had planned for this afternoon to be
here.
ETHAN. I’m so sorry.
ANITA. Well, it does go with the territory.
ETHAN. (Puzzled.) Anxious and desperate?
ANITA. Painfully.
ETHAN. (Calmly.) You know I’m terribly sorry that you got that
impression. I mean although I thought it was fairly important that I see
you, how you came to that anxious and desperate conclusion is a little
puzzling...especially just from the tone of my voice which, if anything,
is usually very reasonable and calm as it obviously is now. Trust me, I
wasn’t anxious or desperate in the least.
ANITA. You weren’t?
ETHAN. Not at all. In fact I don’t know where you came up with
those words, anxious and desperate.
ANITA. Mr. Steckler, I did not come up with those words. You were
the one who offered those exact words to me just a few moments ago.
ETHAN. I did?
ANITA. Yes, you did!
ETHAN. Well, that’s another thing you’re going to find out about
me. I’m remarkably perceptive. When I realized you were at a loss searching for the right words to describe what you felt was my emotional state,
those were the first two words to pop into my head and so I offered them
to you.
ANITA. Really?
ETHAN. Yes.
8
ANNOYANCE
ANITA. So then what you’re now saying is that when you called me
you weren’t anxious or desperate?
ETHAN. Not in the least.
ANITA. (Under her breath, making a notation on her pad.) Interesting.
ETHAN. You’re bothered?
ANITA. Somewhat. I canceled an honorarium luncheon at the university and a rather prestigious speaking engagement afterwards to be
here for you. I can’t say that I’m not a bit irritated that it wasn’t that
necessary.
ETHAN. Look, I’ll tell you what. For the sake of anyone’s nose
getting bent out of joint because of an error in interpretation and judgment, why don’t I just give you the benefit of the doubt and say that
while I did not feel anxious or desperate, it’s possible I could have been.
Does that make you feel any better?
ANITA. Mr. Steckler. I don’t sit in this chair to make me feel better.
I sit in this chair to make the person sitting in your chair feel better.
ETHAN. Really? Then I’m very glad that I chose this chair. If you
recall I was having difficulty making a selection.
ANITA. Mr. Steckler can we assume you are a troubled person?
ETHAN. Of course. Why would I be here if I wasn’t?
ANITA. Normally, you wouldn’t.
ETHAN. I’m very troubled.
ANITA. Yes.
ETHAN. In fact, I could hardly wait to see you.
ANITA. Uh huh.
ETHAN. In a reasonable and calm manner of speaking of course.
ANITA. Mmmmm.
ETHAN. But not totally reasonable and calm if you know what I
mean.
ANITA. Frankly I don’t, but never-the-less you’re here and you apparently realize you have a need to be here and I guess that’s all that
matters, right?
ANNOYANCE
9
ETHAN. Absolutely.
ANITA. Good. Now then, where should we begin?
ETHAN. Let’s start with your fee.
ANITA. Good enough. My standard rate is one hundred and fifty
dollars for a fifty minute session.
ETHAN. It is? Your standard rate?
ANITA. It is.
ETHAN. Well, what’s your not so standard rate?
ANITA. One fifty is my prevailing rate. Can you afford that?
ETHAN. Yes, of course I can afford that. But that doesn’t mean I
want to pay that. I’m sure in some situations you make allowances.
ANITA. Yes. But for those that can’t afford it. You just said you
could. I don’t see the issue here.
ETHAN. Really? You’re obviously not a good business woman.
ANITA. Mr. Steckler are we haggling over my fee?
ETHAN. Negotiating.
ANITA. (Annoyed.) Mr. Steckler...
ETHAN. Please, call me Ethan. Believe it or not I find it a little
awkward having a contemporary call me, mister. Besides it would give
me the feeling, even though it probably wouldn’t be that sincere on your
part, that we’re friends, if of course, we’re ever able to work out this fee
gouging issue.
ANITA. Very well. Ethan.
ETHAN. Good. And what should I call you?
ANITA. Doctor Wells is fine.
ETHAN. I can’t call you by your first name?
ANITA. I’d rather you not. I think it’s very important we maintain a
professional decorum. I hold to that rule with all of my patients.
ETHAN. Then Doctor Wells it is.
ANITA. Good.
ETHAN. Although I do like your first name very much. Anita! It’s
always been a favorite of mine...
ANITA. Thank you.
10
ANNOYANCE
ETHAN. ...along with Sophie, Pauline and Agnes. It’s wonderful
how those old names like yours hold up, as unfashionable and gloomy
sounding as they are.
ANITA. I think we should get back to my fee, Ethan. It’s one hundred and fifty dollars for a fifty minute session and just for the record, at
the end of the year I’m raising it to one sixty-five.
ETHAN. I’ll do the one-fifty. But when it goes up to one sixty-five
I’d like five more minutes.
ANITA. Not if my life depended on it.
ETHAN. I see. Okay. I accept. One fifty now. One sixty five at the
beginning of the year. Do you take credit cards? I’d like to get the
miles.
ANITA. No. Cash or a check assuming you have ID. (A bit annoyed.) Now then, can we get on please? Why is it you feel the need to
see me?
ETHAN. (Hesitant.) Well...It’s very possible I could be suffering
from a personality disorder.
ANITA. Which is...?
ETHAN. I think I annoy people.
ANITA. Do you?
ETHAN. Yes. It’s funny you haven’t sensed that yet.
ANITA. I take careful pains not to be judgmental.
ETHAN. But if you had to be?
ANITA. I find you most annoying.
ETHAN. Really?
ANITA. Extremely annoying.
ETHAN. How about on a scale of one to ten?
ANITA. Trust me. Don’t go there. Now, Mr. Steckler...
ETHAN. (Correcting her.) Ethan.
ANITA. Ethan. Just what is it you hope to accomplish here, Ethan?
ETHAN. I would like to become not-so-annoying.
ANITA. Uh huh.
ETHAN. Do you think that’s possible?
ANNOYANCE
11
ANITA. With therapy, everything is possible, but I have to be frank.
In your case it looks like a tough one. You really seem to push the envelope.
ETHAN. You think I’m hopeless?
ANITA. No, I didn’t say hopeless. I’m a firm believer that no case is
ever hopeless. With hard work and total honesty on both our parts, I
don’t see why we can’t accomplish the task.
ETHAN. It’s sort of a team effort, am I correct?
ANITA. More or less.
ETHAN. I like that. Go team go! Go team go! Go team! Boy, I loved
basketball.
ANITA. Did you play?
ETHAN. I wanted to but no one would ever throw me the ball. Well,
Doctor Wells, I definitely will do my best and I guess I’ll just have to
take you at your word that you will do yours. I’ve really heard some
horror stories about therapists. Two or three actually involving bloodshed. The one with the chain saw made me throw up.
ANITA. Ethan I need to ask you some very basic questions so bare
with me if you will.
ETHAN. Sure. Why would I not bare with you?
ANITA. I sense that you’re easily rattled.
ETHAN. Really? Well, maybe we need to see what part you play in
it.
ANITA. I play no part in it. I just met you.
ETHAN. (Thinks a beat.) Okay. I’ll accept that, but with a smidgen
of reluctance.
ANITA. Fine. Now then, exactly who do you seem to annoy? Friends,
colleagues, relatives?
ETHAN. Yes.
ANITA. Yes?
ETHAN. Yes. That whole list.
ANITA. So basically, what you’re saying is that you annoy...
ETHAN. Everyone.
12
ANNOYANCE
ANITA. Yes.
ETHAN. Hard to believe, isn’t it?
ANITA. What do you think?
ETHAN. Probably not.
ANITA. (Writing on her pad.) Okay, friends, colleagues and relatives.
ETHAN. And strangers. You can throw them in too. Maybe take out
friends. I’m so annoying I don’t really have what I would consider friends
because if they were true friends they would be friends whether I’m
annoying or not. Don’t you agree?
ANITA. We will eliminate “friends”.
ETHAN. Good.
ANITA. So we’re left with colleagues, relatives and strangers.
ETHAN. Yes and I wouldn’t examine colleagues and relatives too
closely because frankly I find most of them to be such small minded
hard asses, that for me to try kissing up to them now doesn’t make a
damn bit of sense. Certainly not at your prices.
ANITA. Ethan, it would please me very much if we would drop the
issue of my fee from this process. That is settled and should be behind
us.
ETHAN. Fine with me.
ANITA. Good. Now tell me more about the people you annoy.
ETHAN. Sure. How do you want them? Individually or by groups?
ANITA. Whatever.
ETHAN. Well, I’m afraid by group I might come off as a bit of an
anti-feminist, racist, nazi-loving-hate-mongering-bigot but then taking
them individually we could be here forever.
ANITA. I hope you’re not putting a time limit on your recovery
process.
ETHAN. I’m a firm believer that a job takes just as long as the time
allowed.
ANITA. And just as a curiosity, how much time do you think is needed
for your recovery?
ANNOYANCE
13
ETHAN. Well, what if we say six months to a year. How does that
sound to you?
ANITA. Like purgatory.
ETHAN. But possible?
ANITA. I make no guarantees.
ETHAN. None?
ANITA. None.
ETHAN. Aren’t you lucky to be in a profession that can get away
with that kind of shit.
ANITA. Shall we continue?
ETHAN. Absolutely. And as a note of encouragement may I add
that you seem to be doing surprisingly well.
ANITA. Thank you.
ETHAN. You’re welcome.
ANITA. Ethan, what first gives you the impression that you’re annoying someone?
ETHAN. They tell me.
ANITA. And usually at what point?
ETHAN. It doesn’t really take very long.
ANITA. Are we talking weeks?
ETHAN. Keep going.
ANITA. Days?
ETHAN. You’re getting close.
ANITA. Hours?
ETHAN. You’re in the ball park. I’ll give you a hint. How long did
it take you to get annoyed with me?
ANITA. Instantly.
ETHAN. Bingo. It seems I have the gift to annoy people as quickly
as I meet them. At first I thought it was just my face but now I’m convinced it’s more than that.
ANITA. And people actually tell you you’re annoying?
ETHAN. (Vulnerable. Starting to break down.) It’s awful, Doctor
Wells. There’s almost immediate name calling.
14
ANNOYANCE
(Suspecting ETHAN’s about to cry, ANITA holds out a box of Kleenex to
him. ETHAN takes one.)
ETHAN. (Continued.) Sometimes it gets to be quite brutal. Dickhead
seems to be the favorite with scumbag running a close second. I seem to
have turned annoyance into an art form.
(He blows his nose on the Kleenex and throws it on the floor next to the
wastebasket.)
ANITA. (A bit disgusted by the Kleenex on the floor.) And so when
they express this bit of apparently expected information...
ETHAN. That I’m an annoying dickhead scumbag?
ANITA. Yes. What is your response?
ETHAN. Totally candid. I tell them to kiss my ass.
ANITA. Uh huh. And their response to that?
ETHAN. I usually get the crap kicked out of me. We live in a very
thin skinned society. I’m glad we have the death penalty.
ANITA. For my own edification, why don’t we role play a bit. Pretend you’re meeting me for the first time, let’s say at a very elegant
party. You’re standing next to me. I say, “Marvelous party, isn’t it?” And
you say?
ETHAN. Do you want to go into the bathroom and fuck?
ANITA. Oh, my God.
ETHAN. Look, I know it’s rather quick, but I haven’t had sex for a
long time and basically that’s all I’m interested in right now.
ANITA. You sir, are a pig.
ETHAN. And you can eat a dishful of shit. Are we still role playing?
ANITA. I’m not sure. Oh, my. You do have a problem, don’t you?
ETHAN. Well, I do lack a few social skills if that’s what you’re
hinting at. But as you can see by the way I handled things during our
little role playing, at no time did I seem desperate or anxious. In fact, the
ANNOYANCE
15
more we talk about it now the more I’m inclined to think that all I really
have is probably a minor personality defect that I’m sure someone of
your stature and ability should be able to nip in the bud in a much shorter
time than originally planned and I would hope at a more reasonable price.
By the way, do you give senior discounts?
ANITA. You are not a senior.
ETHAN. No, but if you do give them, it might make financial sense
for me to wait.
ANITA. Trust me, Ethan, I’m going to do my best to have you out of
here just as soon as I can.
ETHAN. That sounds sort of hostile on your part, doesn’t it?
ANITA. I’m sorry if it did. However, my goal for all my patients is
to have them back on the street as soon as possible, functioning as mentally sound citizens. With you, I will most likely be rushing the process.
Now, just how long have you had this...this...
ETHAN. Minor personality defect?
ANITA. If you insist.
ETHAN. Let me think...Let me think...Let me think. I would say...I
would say...I would say all my life.
ANITA. Since childhood?
ETHAN. Before that.
ANITA. Birth?
ETHAN. Keep backing up.
ANITA. What’s left?
ETHAN. The womb. Even though I wasn’t born yet, I could always
tell when my mother found me annoying.
ANITA. Really?
ETHAN. She would punch herself in the stomach.
ANITA. You remember her doing that?
ETHAN. Like it was yesterday which, as a matter of added information, somebody did punch me in the stomach yesterday.
ANITA. Oh?
ETHAN. A nun. We were standing next to one another in a cafeteria
16
ANNOYANCE
waiting to get a tray.
ANITA. Yes?
ETHAN. And I asked her as politely as I could if she wanted to go
into the bathroom and....
ANITA. Please, you can stop there.
ETHAN. She also whacked me over the head with a bible. So much
for the sanctity of religion.
ANITA. (Aggressively.) Ethan, just why have you waited so long to
seek help?
ETHAN. Because it’s never bothered me before. It’s always bothered other people.
ANITA. Yes, but why have you decided to do something about it
now?
ETHAN. (Sadly, again on the verge of crying.) I’m very lonely, Doctor Wells. I was hoping that I would eventually meet someone who would
love me unconditionally for my true self, the way I am.
(Anita offers him the Kleenex again. He takes one)
ETHAN. (Continued.) But that doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen.
(He blows his nose and then matter-of- factly places the used Kleenex in
Anita’s hand. Surprised and disgusted, she immediately throws it in
the wastepaper basket)
ETHAN. (Continued.) I know changes need to be made.
ANITA. They certainly do. (Begrudgingly.) However, I do want to
point out that’s a very mature and healthy attitude.
ETHAN. (Turning on her.) Oh, cut the bullshit, Wells. You don’t
have to patronize me. I may be annoying, but I’m not stupid. I know
damn well it’s a great attitude.
ANITA. I was just trying to make an encouraging comment.
ANNOYANCE
17
ETHAN. I don’t care what you were trying to do. There was an
implication there that I don’t appreciate. It wouldn’t hurt you in the least
to remember that you’re dealing with a very aware and as I mentioned
before, perceptive human being.
ANITA. (Firmly.) Mr Steckler...
ETHAN. Please, I’m not finished. I really think you need to choose
your words a bit more carefully. Especially when dealing with those
unfortunate enough to possess as fragile a disposition as mine. So maybe
you can try to be a little more sensitive, if not a little more diplomatic,
okay Doctor Wells? And try to remember that I didn’t come here to get
my feelings hurt.
ANITA. Look, Mr. Steckler...
ETHAN. Ethan. I thought we settled on Ethan.
ANITA. Let’s get one thing straight right now. I don’t appreciate,
nor will I tolerate, any more of your contrary and antagonistic behavior.
ETHAN. No?
ANITA. No!
ETHAN. Okay. So why don’t we both try and watch it then. Now
can you hurry this along? I have a quart of ice cream in my car.
ANITA. I hope it melts all over your seat.
ETHAN. Tch, tch! Now look whose ass is in a snit.
ANITA. Can we proceed?
ETHAN. Please. Don’t let me stop you.
ANITA. Suppose we talk about you and the work place.
ETHAN. Suppose we do.
ANITA. Just what do you do for a living?
ETHAN. I work for my dead father.
ANITA. Exactly what does that mean?
ETHAN. Before he died, he hired some smart lawyers and accountants to set up the business so that he’d still be able to run it even after he
died. Nowadays, there are so many corporate loopholes, lawyers and
accountants are able to do that. I was hoping he would have left the
business to me.
18
ANNOYANCE
ANITA. But he didn’t?
ETHAN. No he didn’t.
ANITA. And you resented that?
ETHAN. Well, sure. I would have liked to have had his office. He
has a window there, as well as his own bathroom. Anyone with half a
brain can see he doesn’t need it now. I was really pissed about it, in fact
I was going to quit, but then I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction.
ANITA. So there was conflict between you and your father?
ETHAN. No. Not at all. Why do you jump to these conclusions,
Doctor Wells? That’s very unprofessional.
ANITA. No conflict.
ETHAN. Yes. There was absolutely no conflict between us.
ANITA. None?
ETHAN. None. He just wouldn’t talk to me. Believe me, I had no
problem with that. There needs to be some sort of communication between people if there’s to be conflict and we had none, so there was no
conflict. My goodness. I would think they would teach you that in basic
therapy.
ANITA. It would help matters if you tried not to be so hostile.
ETHAN. Hostile? Listen, I’ve been called annoying but I’ve never
been called hostile. I hate the word hostile and I wish you wouldn’t use
it.
ANITA. You used it. You called me hostile.
ETHAN. That’s different. I’m paying you. I have a right. You know,
I sense a growing resentment towards me on your part, Doctor Wells.
And frankly, I don’t really need it. Certainly not from you, a person who
just came into my life and acts like she can take all the liberties she
wants in assuming who and what I really am. It’s not acceptable. Not at
all. Can we move on? I feel we’re bogging down. On the other hand I
also think we’re making great progress, don’t you?
ANITA. Frankly, I don’t know what we’re making. You are some
piece of work.
ETHAN. Thank you.
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