What, Why, and How?
4
THE WRITING
PROCESS:
Outlining
Outline peer response examples
PRACTICE
Using the guiding questions on Outline Peer Response, provide constructive feedback on the
following outline on Chapter VII in Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass:
Thesis: Slavery in the United States damaged many lives.
I. Introduction
A. Lead in with statistics on how many people in the U.S. were enslaved
B. Connect to how Mrs. Hugh changed for the worse and how Fredrick Douglass felt despair
C. State thesis
II. Douglass taught himself to read and write even though he was forbidden to do so.
A. At first Mrs. Hugh was teaching him to read but she changed her mind.
1) Her husband told her not to teach him
2) She became harsher than her husband is stopping Douglass from learning.
B. Douglass got the young poor white boys in his neighborhood to teach him.
1) Took a book with him on errands to use
2) Bribed the boys with bread
III. Slavery changed people
A. Mrs. Hugh was once a kind woman and then she became cruel and inhumane because of slavery.
1) She used to be charitable
2) She became mean
B. Douglass became anguished and trapped in slavery and even considered suicide.
1) The more he read, the more miserable he became.
2) Douglass fought for the rights of others
Conclusion: Slavery hurt a lot of people and ruined many lives.
EXAMPLE
A sample of outline peer response on the Douglass outline:
1. Thesis:
Does the thesis make a statement that can be argued? Ask yourself, can I disagree? If you cannot
disagree (if the thesis just states a fact or what is already obvious and known), advise the author
about how to add an opinion. Is the thesis specific (focused?) and clear enough? Is the thesis
based on the reading? Also, is there a clear “so what?” So what is important about this? So what
is the significance?
Thesis: Slavery in the United States damaged many lives.
I like where you are going with this but this statement is very general. Whose lives exactly were damaged? The
story talks about how it hurt Douglass and also his slave masters so perhaps be more specific and say who you
mean. Also, how were they damaged? So what can we learn from this? It seems like this is telling us
something about abuse of power. Is this a lesson that we should apply to any situations today? Lastly, in the
outline, you say you are going to lead up to the thesis by including statistics on how many people were enslaved
but you might want to connect this to your argument about being damaged.
2. Supporting Points:
Does the outline list the supporting points in a clear and logical order? How can the order be
clearer or improved? Does each supporting point directly prove the thesis? Are there any
additional supporting points that should be included?
This entire second point summarizes how Douglass learned to read but it’s not clear how this connects to the
argument about people being damaged by slavery. I’d remove this. Section three is good as it directly connects to
your thesis about being damaged by slavery. The topic sentence is a bit general though. You say: “Slavery changed
people.” How did it change people? For better or worse? Also, you discuss how it changed Mrs. Hugh, the slave
master, first and then you discuss how it changed Douglass after that. I think it would make more sense to discuss
Douglass first because he is the one obviously damaged by slavery. Then after that you can present Mrs. Hugh, the less
obvious one who is also harmed by slavery. Finally, the conclusion just repeats your thesis.
3. Evidence:
Is there a clear example illustrating each of the supporting points? Is the author using examples
from the reading? If not, suggest ideas the author could use to better prove his/her points.
Could the author improve or replace any of the supporting points or textual examples? Has the
author developed a clear explanation of why each supporting point is relevant?
You show how Douglass and Mrs. Hugh were damaged by slavery but I think you could include a separate more
developed section for each and include quotes from the text too. Douglass makes some strong statements about how he
wishes he could lose his humanity and become an unthinking beast instead. You can also use the descriptions of how Mrs.
Hugh’s kindness turned to “tiger-like fierceness.” Then include your own analysis of why it’s important to see how these
two were changed? So what does this reveal about people and having this much power over others?
EXAMPLE
Here’s an example of providing feedback directly on the outline.
Thesis feedback: This statement is
very general. Whose lives exactly
were damaged? How? So what?
Thesis: Slavery in the United States damaged many lives.
I like the idea of including
statistics but how does this
connect to the argument
about being damaged?
I. Introduction
A. Lead in with statistics on how many people in the U.S. were enslaved
B. Connect to how Mrs. Hugh changed for the worse and how Fredrick Douglass felt despair
C. State thesis
II. Douglass taught himself to read and write even though he was forbidden to do so.
A. At first Mrs. Hugh was teaching him to read but she changed her mind.
1) Her husband told her not to teach him
2) She became harsher than her husband is stopping Douglass from learning.
B. Douglass got the young poor white boys in his neighborhood to teach him.
1) Took a book with him on errands to use
2) Bribed the boys with bread
This entire second
point summarizes
how Douglass
learned to read but
it’s not clear how
this connects to the
argument about
people being
damaged by slavery.
I’d remove this.
III. Slavery changed people
A. Mrs. Hugh was once a kind woman and then she became cruel and inhumane because of slavery.
3) She used to be charitable
Good, section three
4) She became mean
directly connects to your
B. Douglass became anguished as he sees how he is trapped in slavery and
thesis about being
even considered suicide.
damaged by slavery. The
1) The more he read, the more miserable he became.
topic sentence is a bit
2) Douglass fought for the rights of others
general though. How did
Conclusion: Slavery hurt a lot of people and ruined many lives.
It’s good you stay on topic but this just repeats your thesis. In
your conclusion, you want a larger “so what?” So what can we
learn by realizing that both the enslaved and the enslavers were
hurt by slavery? Can we apply this lesson elsewhere? Is this a
danger now in a less obvious form that we should be concerned
about? Are those who have unchecked power over others always
harmed by it?
it “change” people? For
better or worse? Then
you show how Douglass
and Mrs. Hugh were
damaged but I think you
could include a separate
more developed section
for each and include
quotes from the text too.
You could also include
your own analysis of why
it’s important to see how
these two were changed?
So what does this reveal?
EXAMPLE
Here’s a potential revision of the outline based on the feedback received:
Originally the thesis said slavery damaged “many” lives. Now it states who (slaves and slave-owners),
how (damaged psyches and destroyed humanity), and so what (unchecked power corrupts)
Thesis: Douglass’s narrative reveals how slavery in the U.S. not only damaged the psyche of the slaves but
destroyed the humanity of the slave owners showing how no human being should ever have unchecked power
over another as it inevitably leads to corruption.
The reasoning behind
the statistics is now
clearly connects to the
damage caused. Then
adding the corrupting
influence of power
now introduces the
second part of the
thesis about slaveowners being
corrupted too. And
now the order has
been changed to talk
about Douglass first
(the obvious one
damaged) and then
the less obvious, the
slave-owners.
I. Introduction
A. Lead in with statistics on how many people in the U.S. were enslaved and
connect to how many families this means were separated and destroyed and
how many people were maimed, raped and murdered.
B. Introduce the idea of how absolute power corrupts absolutely.
C. Connect to how Fredrick Douglass felt despair and Mrs. Hugh changed for
the worse
D. State thesis
II. Slavery slowly destroyed Douglass’s psychological well-being.
A. Douglass who is highly intelligent and motivated is held back by slavery
1) He is eager to learn but is unjustly forbidden by his slave-masters.
2) He has to settle for an inferior, secretive education learning from young
white kids between his errands.
3) Speculate on the incredible loss of potential of someone this motivated
and intelligent denied during his formative years. Connect to all the lost
potential of poor kids in bad schools today.
B. Douglass became anguished as he sees how he is trapped in slavery and even considered suicide.
1) Douglass comes to see something as potentially liberating as education as something destructive
“I would at times feel that learning to read had been a curse rather than a blessing” (84).
2) As time goes on, Douglass feels only more anguish and despair and even wishes More detail,
his own humanity were taken away, “I have often wished myself a beast” (84).
quotes and “so
III. Slavery also destroyed the humanity of Mrs. Hugh who was once kind became cruel.
what?”
A. Mrs. Hugh was once a kind woman: “she was a pious, warm, and tender-hearted
analysis has
been added to
woman. There was no sorrow or suffering for which she had not a tear” (82).
B. Slavery made her a despicable person: “Slavery soon proved its ability to divest her the discussions
of Douglass
of these heavenly qualities. Under its influence, the tender heart became stone, and
and Mrs. Hugh.
the lamblike disposition gave way to one of tiger-like fierceness” (82).
C. Examine how absolute power corrupts and cite other examples in history (Hitler, Stalin) when this
has been true.
Conclusion: We must be aware of any case when a person or group is allowed too much power over another
group as this will lead to a corrupt and an unhealthy society. Examine how this is happening with
corporations globally today who act in their own interest for profit and we all suffer as a result.
A larger “so what?” has been added looking at how this lesson can be applied today.