98
76
S
S
T
T
E
E
S
P
S
PSteps for giving Choices and
Consequences
Steps for Making Family Rules
Steps for Making Family Rules
Be clear and specific about the positive and negative choice of
behaviour, and the positive and negative consequences that will follow.
1
Get everyone to join in
2 Suggest
Relatethat
theasconsequences
to one
theroof,
behaviour.
you all live under
you need to agree rules for everyone. Very
1
young children can sit on someone's lap and listen even if they can’t take part. If a child
3 won’t
Choose
consequences
something
to the
join in,
don’t be put off.that
Youmean
can point
out that they
will child.
miss the chance to have
their say, and that rules will be agreed that will apply to them too.
4 Don’t use threats, a threatening manner, or ultimatums.
2 Talk about how you want to feel in the family
5 Encourage
Don’t give
a choice
when
everyone
to share
theirthere
ideasisn’t
aboutone.
what feelings are comfortable and what
areconsequences
uncomfortable foryou
themcan
in thekeep
family.
6 feelings
Choose
to (without “punishing” yourself).
37 Share
Don’tproblem
demandbehaviour
an instant answer – give the child a few moments to reflect.
Ask everyone to talk freely – without fault-finding and blaming – about issues the family could
improve. You may be surprised by what you hear; if you can listen to home truths even if
they’re
children
will be more
to It
listen
what
you have
to say
can
be uncomfortable,
tricky to knowthewhat
behaviour
we likely
want.
cantobe
equally
hard
to risk
too.
It
describing the behaviour you don’t like, which is often how the child has already
4begun
Share
for But
rulesyou don’t let it go on for ever. Whichever behaviour the
to ideas
behave.
Identify issues you would all like to have as rules in your family. Let weird and wacky ideas
child
chooses next, you apply the consequence that matches it.
be included as well as sensible ones. Then choose a few important issues. For every
Things often
harder
theory than
theylike
areinstead.
in practice.
Here’s an
behaviour
you do seem
not want,
think ofin
a behaviour
you would
Fill in the practice
sheet “Our
Family Rules”
as you
go along, and then produce your own version. Make it look
example
of Choices
and
Consequences.
colourful and fun.
5
Keep the rules simple and specific
Rules need to be clear, easy to understand, and realistic. Avoid rules such as “Do be good
– Don’t be naughty” or “Do be happy – Don’t be sad/angry”.
you have
a choice.
6Joya,
Decide
on a reward
and a penalty for each rule
When someone keeps to an agreed rule, a reward recognises their choice. When someone
Youbreaks
can either
me talk
on the
a rule, let
a penalty
follows
theirphone
choice. For family rules such as "Do talk nicely to
each other – Don’t shout", children will accept the rule more readily if parents respect it too,
or you
can interrupt
me.
and agree
to a suitable
reward and penalty for themselves. Let children as well as adults
suggest rewards and penalties.
If you choose to let me finish my call
7
Limit family rules
thenA you
canofuse
phone
talk totheyour
friends.
maximum
fourthe
or five
rules islater
plenty.toKeeping
list short
will help everyone remember
the rules and practise them.
If you choose to interrupt me again
8
Drop and add new rules when needed
not cast
concrete.
something
is no longer a problem, have a rulethenRules
youare
can’t
use inthe
phoneWhen
again
this evening.
dropping party! The rule still applies, but the family can celebrate because everyone can
It’s up
– it’s your
choice. regularly on how much you like the new habit. If a new
keeptotoyou
it. Remember
to comment
problem behaviour appears, repeat steps 1 to 6 to make a new rule.
From The Parenting Puzzle book © Family Links 2002
familylinks.org.uk