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While the Lights
Were Out
An Off-the-Wall Murder Farce
by
Jack Sharkey
A Samuel French Acting Edition
samuelfrench.com
Copyright © 1988 by Jack Sharkey
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
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LIGHTS WERE OUT is subject to a Licensing Fee. It is fully protected under
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ISBN
978-0-573-67049-7
Printed
in
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#25093
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3
CAST OF CHARACTERS
LADY MONICA WICKENHAM, a glamorous peeress
LORD CLIVE WICKENHAM, her spouse, an eminent
neurosurgeon
BIBI CAVENDISH, a celebrated fashion designer
PIERRE POURRI, an international playboy
JASMINE PERDOO, a houseguest from Alabama
MIMOSA, the Wickenhams' Jamaican maid
NANCY STAFFORD, the Wickenhams' housekeeper
TOM GROGGINS, an unexpected visitor
RODERICK REMLEY, the Wickenhams' butler
FREDONIA CUST ARDINE, Monica's sister
CHLOE CUSTARDINE, Fredonia's nubile daughter
ALGERNON WICKENHAM, the Wickenhams' dilettante son
BENJAMIN BRADDOCK, an Inspector of Police
ALMA THREEDLE, Ben's assistant, a police sergeant
UNIDENTIFIED BLONDE, an amnesiac and prime
suspect
LOCALE: The Wickenhams' elegant home in Popliteal
Beach, Bermuda
TIME: The present, about the middle of May
ACT ONE: About three p.m. on a sunny Thursday
afternoon
ACT TWO: Immediately following
ACT THREE: Just after dinner that same night
4
''While the Lights
Were Out''
ACf ONE
(The parlor of the Wickenham home in Bermuda, the
furnishings in expensive good taste, nothing gaudy
but obviously nothing cheap, either. [see Stage Setting] Through the upstage foyer window can be seen
a bit ofthe grounds, mostly sunny sky and some palm
trees. Through the wide-open French doors (when
fully opened, these doors areflat against the exterior
wall and do not thus impede the viewfrom the room)
can be seen the low rail ofa balcony and nothing but
sunny sky beyond, since this balcony projects above a
cliffside. There is an ornate Malay dagger, a kris, on
the desk blotter, normally used as a letter-opener. A
large brass vase containing a fanned-out display of
peacock feathers sits on the extreme upstage corner
ofthe desk. Over thefireplace mantel hangs an original Gauguin painting: a native woman in the foreground on a Tahitian beach curving back some distance behind her in the lower left area ofthe painting,
some curving palms occupying most of the background on the right side ofthe painting. A large (very
large, so that anything written upon it can be read by
the audience in the back rows ofyour theatre) ringbound pad of art-paper stands upright on an easel
between the desk and the junction ofthe upstage and
5
6
"WHILE THE LIGHTS WERE OUT"
right walls. Written across the upper third ofthe topsheet is the phrase "Madam, I'm Adam"; written
across the centra/third ofthe topsheet is the sentence
"Able was I ere I saw Elba"; the bottom third (make
sure this area is visible throughout the theatre) is
blank. A number ofword-oriented books (thesaurus,
dictionary, proper usage, etc. ) are stacked on their
side on the lower right (from the desk-user's point of
view) corner of the desk, near the brass vase. The
room is bright, sunny and cheery of aspect.
At curtain-rise, LORD CLIVE WICKENHAM is seen
seated at the desk, deeply engrossed in laboriously
writing something on a sheet ofpaper. LADYMONICA WICKENHAM, his wife, enters via U.L. archway, sees him, and stops j ust inside room.
MONICA. (with some asperity) Clive, I've just come
from the kitchen, andCLIVE. (without turning, irascibly) Quiet, Monica!
You're breaking my concentration!
MONICA. Clive, this is more important than your silly
hobby!
CLIVE. (whatever he's written abruptly annoys him)
Damn and blast! Now I'll have to start all over again!
(crumples paper furiously, tosses it into wastebasket between desk and fireplace, comes to his feet to face
MONICA) Haven't I told you never to interrupt me
when I'm creating?!
MONICA. (will now move toward him between sofa and
mantel) But you' re always creating! I have to speak with
you sometime!
CLIVE. Oh, very well, very well! What is it?
MONICA. Mimosa is preparing mutton for dinner
" WHILE THE LIG HTS WERE OUT'
7
again! And I told you we're having company tonight!
They'll be here at any moment!
CLIVE. They should be thankful for the free meal,
m utton or not! I'll warrant they don't leave a smidgen on
their plates!
MONICA. But if we could only have a nicejoint ofbeef
for a change, or even lambCLIVE. The price of beef and lamb is outrageous! I
won't pay it!
MONICA. Darling, it's not as ifyou can't afford it - !
CLivE. My money is mine. 1don't intend to dissipate it
on the needy! Don't see why we have to have guests
anyhow/ Plenty of hotels in Bermuda! What they want is
a free vacation!
MONICA. Clive, this has nothing to do with guests! I
mean, darling, why can't we have a nice joint of beef,
or CLivE. I don't notice you getting any thinner on our
usual fare, Monica.
MONICA. (turns away, starts towardfoyer) Oh, why do
I even waste my time talking to you! (will pause at u.L.
archway just short of Exit, and face him, for:) How can
you be so close-fisted about money?! Compared to you,
Ebenezer Scrooge was Diamond Jim Brady!
(CLIVE laughs, enjoying her discomfiture; her face
tightening in wordless anger, she turns and Exits via
u.L. archway; CLI VE is just returning to the desk.
but hasn't sat down yet, when NA NCY STAFFORD
Enters via D .R. archway. )
NANCY. Lord Wickenham, I've just come from the
kitchen, andCLIVE. You, too?! If it's about the mutton, Stafford -
8
"WHILE THE LIGHTS WERE OUT"
NANCY. It's about Mimosa.
CLIVE. Is she complaining, or what?
NANCY. No, of course she's not complaining, sir. I
am!
CLIVE. About what? If you find your workload too
strenuous, or your wages insufficient, let me remind you
that there are women a-plenty who wouldn't mind a
cushy job as housekeeper on this estate!
NANCY. (with weary patience born oflong tenure at her
job) My tasks and compensation are quite suitable, thank
you. What I am complaining about is that it's not only
improper in a well-run household to have the parlormaid
do the cooking, it's also risky when that maid is as inexperienced in the preparation of food as Mimosa!
CLIVE. Nonsense! Anyone can cook a leg of mutton!
Cooks are expensive. But I do intend to interview some
applicants to replace our recently departed
Dora . . . one of these days! But not this week, I'm far
too busy.
NANCY. With your hobby again?
CLIVE. Not again. Still. And I don't appreciate the
interruption.
NANCY. (defeated) Yes, sir. Whatever you say, sir.
(turns and Exits D.R.)
CLIVE. (calls after her) And see that Mimosa doesn't
go beserk with the spice rack this time! Just nice plain
baked mutton, with none of her Jamaican adornments,
understand?
NANCY. (off) I'm certain she won't, sir. (a fractional
pause, then with less subservience:) Not after the last
time!
CLIVE. (exasperated) I did not throw that leg of mutton at her! I was brandishing it at her and it slipped out of
" WHILE T HE LIGHTS WERE OUT "
9
m y hand! . . . M iss Stafford-? . . . Nancy-? (but
she is either out of earshot or just not deigning to reply)
Drat that woman! Sweet and serene on the surface,
always, b ut a nasty heart deep inside her! Nasty heart!
(sits once more at desk, takes up pen and fresh sheet of
paper, starts to write, then stiffens with annoyance as:)
REMLEY. (Enters U.L., pauses, clears throat gently)
Excuse me, Lord Wickenham, butCLIVE. (will rise f rom his chair during:) Don't tell me!
You've j ust come from the kitchen, right?!
REMLEY. Why . . . no, sir. From the front door. You
have callers.
Cu vE. Blast! Can it be t hose freeloading guests already?! Well, don't bot her me about it, Remley. Just
show them to their rooms, andREMLEY. Begging your pardon, milord, but these are
not any of the invited guests.
CLivE. (surprised) Oh? T hen who in the world are
t hey?
REMLEY. T he police, Lord Wickenham. A Detective
Inspector Braddock and his assisting sergeant, a M iss
Threedle.
CuvE. "Police"? What in the world do they want? I
didn't send for them! And to my knowledge there's been
nothing criminal going on in my house-if you don't
count Lady Monica's wastrel approach to stocking our
larder!
REMLEY. I do believe, sir, that they are here because
they were sent for, however.
CLIVE. Sent for? By whom?
REMLEY. They insist it was Lady Monica, milord.
CLIVE. Nonsense! She'd have told me ifshe sent for t he
police! . . . At least, I think she'd have told me. I don't
10
"WHILE THE LIGHTS WERE OUT"
suppose a man can be arrested for not serving his guests
high-cost cuts of meat, can he? Oh, why am I even bothering to conjecture? Bring them in here, Remley, bring
them in by all means!
REMLEY. At once, milord! (bows slightly, and Exits
u.L. during:)
CLIVE. (to himself) Simplest thing to do is ask them
why they're here!
(MIMOSA, diminutive and prelly, Enters D.R., a small
bruise on her forehead)
MIMOSA. (with the slightest calypso-lilt vocally) I beg
milord's pardon, but how many will there be for tea?
CLIVE. Mimosa! I didn't hear you come in. You move
like a cat. " Tea," you said? Why, I suppose Lady Monica
and myself, and Algy, ifour son ever stops playing tennis
long enough to visit his home- Oh, drat!
MIMOSA. "Drat," sir?
CLIVE. The blasted guests! No telling when they'll arrive, but Monica seems to be expecting them momentarily, so you'd better cut a few more watercress
sandwiches . . .
MIMOSA. How many guests, Lord Wickenham?
CLIVE. (halfto himself, moving idly in her direction as
he totals) Let me see, now, there's Monica's sister Fredonia and her annoyingly effervescent daughter
Chloe . . . oh, and Bibi Cavendish, that designerwoman . . . hmm . . . seems to me there was someone else . . . Ah! I have it! Miss Jasmine Perdoo, that
lady from Alabama that Monica met on a cruise or
someplace . . . Can't think of anybody elseMIMOSA. The French gentleman-?
"WHILE THE LIGHTS WERE OUT"
11
CLIVE. What French gentleman?
MIMOSA. Mister Porey?
CLIVE. Who? . . . Mimosa, you don't mean Monsieur Pourri? Pierre Pourri?
MIMOSA. Yes, that is the man, milord.
CLIVE. What in the world makes you imagine he
would be coming here?
MIMOSA. He has already come, Lord Wickenham. He
is strolling about the garden. I saw him from the kitchen
window.
CLIVE. But-1 say-this is most awkward! Are you
quite certain?
MIMOSA. His appearance is extremely distinctive. I do
not think I could be mistaken, sir.
CLIVE. (beside her now) But who in the world invited
him? Especially with Miss Cavendish coming!
MIMOSA. Perhaps she invited him, sir. After all, they
are engaged to be marriedCLIVE. Were engaged, Mimosa. Past tense. That's
what makes things so bloody awkward. Ah well, let them
sort matters out. None of my affair. Uh-how many
does that make for tea?
MIMOSA. The family and five guests. Eight, sir.
CLIVE. Drat. Hope the watercress holds out. But don't
you be getting into any of the potted meat-spreads, regardless. Blasted food bills are going sky-high lately! (notices bruise) Oh, I say! Did I do that the other day?!
MIMOSA. (cringes back almost fearfully before his
fingers move too near the bruise, a cringing not unnoticed
by handsome young BENJAMIN BRADDOCK and Sergeant ALMA THREEDLE [he in a dapper summer suit,
she in uniform ] as they enter with REMLEY via u.L.
archway at this moment) No! Don't! Please, sir, it's quite
all right now!
12
"WHILE THE LIGHTS WERE OUT"
CLIVE. Damnation, girl, I wasn't going to strike you
again! (a diffident REMLEY clears his throat cautioningly; CLIVE turns and sees newcomers, even as MIMOSA hastily Exits D.R.) Oh! Why - uh-it's the police, isn't it! I hope you didn't imagine- (turns as iffor
corroboration toward MIMOSA, but she is no longer in
the room; awkwardly, he manages a smile, will cross
below sofa toward newcomers, will meet them in o .L.
area) Quite embarrassing to blurt out things like that
with the constabulary within earshot. Could be quite
misconstrued if not sufficiently explained.
ALMA. (produces small notebook and pencil) Shall I
take his statement, Inspector Braddock?
BEN. Perhaps later, Sergeant Threedle, should it prove
germane to the circumstances. (extends hand amicably
toward CLIVE) Detective Inspector Benjamin Braddock, Lord Wickenham. And my assistant, Sergeant
Threedle.
CLIVE. (shaking hands) Delighted. No, wait, hardly
delighted. I'm-rather nervous around policemen. But
I do bid you a most cordial welcome.
REMLEY. Will there be anything else, milord?
CLIVE. Hmm? What? . . . Oh! No, nothing more at
the moment, Remley. Thank you. (REMLEY will Exit
via u.L. archway during:) Now, Inspector, I really feel I
should explain about what you just overheard.
BEN. Not absolutely necessary, sir, but if it will ease
your conscience-?
CLIVE. Thank you, it would. You see, two evenings
ago - (remembers his manners) Oh, but please be
seated. Both of you. (gestures them seat ward; BEN will
sit on sofa, more-or-less at the center, ALMA in armchair. her notebook-and-pencil "at the ready") There.
That's better. As I was saying, two evenings ago, my
"WHILE THE LIGHTS WERE OUT"
13
maid - "Mimosa," the young girl you just saw in here
-and I were having a sort of employer-employee altercation in the kitchen. She'd served a capon for dinnerquite a nice capon, actually-but I'd expected
mutton-thought I'd specified mutton, as a matter of
fact-so to emphasize my point, I took this leg of mutton from the fridge and sort of-er-brandished it at
her, holding it by the shank, saying something like," This
is what I mean when I say mutlon! Not capon! Mutton!"
At that moment-well- the shank was somewhat slippery, and BEN. (politely, but with the barest touch of amused
mockery ) You -lost your grip?
CLIVE. (sense extra meaning, stiffens, but lets it pass)
The-thejoint struck her upon the forehead. Deucedly
awkward moment for the both of us. I apologized, of
course, and that should've been the end of it, but then
today, a moment ago, when I attempted a closer look at
her bruised forehead, she must have misunderstood my
movements, and-well-reflexes being what they
areBEN. (when CLIVE pauses uncomfortably, breaks the
tension with:) I believe that clarifies matters quite cogently, milord. Just one of those silly occurrences that
occasionally pop up to plague domestic tranquillity.
CLIVE. (much relieved, dabs at forehead with kerchief,
will sit upon R. arm of sofa, angled to face the duo, during:) Exactly right, sir! Thank you! (notices ALMA's
ceaseless activity with pencil) I say, is she taking down
everything I've been saying?
BEN. Wouldn't surprise me. Her speedwriting is quite
miraculous. But I do think- (this to ALMA, who
pauses, looking at him) -no further note-taking will be
necessary at the moment, Alma.
14
"WHILE THE LIGHTS WERE OUT"
ALMA. Whatever you say, sir: (will put pencil and notebook into pocket)
CLivE. Much obliged, Inspector. It's difficult to speak
normally when one feels every little grunt and hiccup is
being logged for posterity! Now, as to your presence here
in my home-I'm quite at a loss - almost confounded,
really-you say you were sent for?
BEN. Well, I have not yet said so, Lord Wickenham,
but-yes, we were summoned here this afternoon, by a
rather odd message hand-delivered to our Hamilton
headquarters. (produces small envelope from pocket,
hands it over)
CLIVE. (taking messagefrom envelope) Extraordinary!
I can't for the life of me imagine who would- (looks at
what he holds, reacts) But- I say!-this is written on
my personal stationery!
BEN. Which is why we didn't dismiss it as a prank.
CLIVE. But- this is monstrous! (unnoticed by him,
MONICA Enters D.R., stops just inside room) A joke! It
must be a joke! Or the work of an unbalanced mind!
But- the signature- for want ofa better descriptionjust a capital "M"? I wonder if my wife-?
MoNICA. Wonder if your wife what, Clive?
(CLIVE reacts. turns, and BEN and ALMA come
politely to their feet)
CLIVE. Monica! You startled me! You must be taking
sneaking-lessons from Mimosa! (remembers the others)
Oh, but let me introduce you people-Detective Inspector Braddock and his-urn- note-taker, Sergeant
Threedle-my wife, Lady Monica Wickenham.
BEN. (with a nod that conveys a bow) Lady
Wickenham.
"WHILE THE LIGHTS WERE OUT"
15
ALMA. How do you do.
MONICA. Charmed, I'm sure. But - the police? Here?
Clive, what have you been caught at?
CLIVE. (stiffly, annoyed) They were summoned here
- apparently by you! (thrusts message at her; she takes
it and reads it; then:)
MONICA. (reads aloud, incredulous (NOTE: This to
be read as accented, in a very definite calypso rhythm])
"The Wickenham Estate on Popliteal Beach
Is one that the police should hurry up and reach:
There's something rather evil that is going on
T hat may need the attention of a policeman!" (she looks
up from message, utterly bewildered) I don't u nderstand
-what does this mean? (hands message back to CLIVE,
who replaces it in envelope, during:)
BEN. That is what we hope to determine, Lady Monica. Its meter is suggestive, is it not? And the pronunciation of its final syllable?
MONICA. Why-it's calypso, isn't it! I remember it
well, fro m our Jamaican holiday.
CuvE. Aha! Of course! What a fool I've been! That
signature-"M" doesn't stand for " Monica" - it stands
for " Mimosa"!
MONICA. But why would our maid summon the police? I mean, why would anyone, but most especially why
our maid?
CLIVE. You don't suppose because I let fl y with the
mu/lon the other evening?
MONICA. Weil-l suppose it's possible-but why
wait until today to lodge a complaint?
BEN. Suppose we have her in here and ask the young
lady?
CLIVE. Capital idea! I'll fetch her at once! (will Exit
o .R., during:)
16
"WHILE THE LIGHTS WERE OUT"
MONICA. (realizes duo is still standing; they will re-sit
on:) Oh, please be seated, Inspector . . . Sergeant. Can
I offer you something, a drink, perhaps-oh, but you're
not supposed to drink on duty, are you! Or is that only
when investigating an actual crime? Excuse me for
babbling-it's just that I have guests arriving at any
moment, and now the police being here and all, I'm
quite at a loss how to comport myself!
BEN. A small glass of tonic water would be most appreciated, Lady Monica.
ALMA. Especially on a scorcher of a day like today!
MONICA. (much more composed, as BEN had intended, now that she has something to do, moves toward
sideboard D.L., on which rests a tray ofglasses, bottles,
bucket ofice, etc.) Let me get it for you, the servants will
be far too busy soon to bother them. (at sideboard, picks
up glass, then hesitates) Do you take ice?
BEN. (stands, moves toward her) Ice? Isn't that rather
unusual? (will deftly take over drink-making chores from
her, during:) Hot or not, in a British household, icing a
drink is almost unheard of.
MONICA. We have an American guest comingJasmine Perdoo. She's from Alabama, where I understand they even put ice in their coffee! I thought I'd have
some on hand, just in case . . . Oh, for me?Thank you,
Inspector. (BEN has just handed her a glass of liquor,
no ice.)
BEN. My pleasure, Lady Monica.
MONICA. How did you know I'd prefer bourbon,
Inspector?
BEN. I observed you at the Marquis's soiree a fortnight
ago. You were holding forth on the superior delights of
sour mash whisky over the more usual scotch or rye.
Assuming your contention to be truthful, I quite naturally chose the bourbon.
"WHILE THE LIGHTS WERE OUT"
17
MONICA. Why, do you know, that almost reminded
me of Sherlock Holmes! The way you said it, I mean! So
fascinatingly analytical and sure of yourself!
ALMA. Ob, Mum, please don't get him started! (will
rise and move to join them at sideboard)
BEN. Now really, Alma-!
ALMA. (continuing, to MONICA:) Mind you, now,
he's a perfectly darling inspector, but when he thinks
there's a high-faluting mystery to be solved, I swear he's
itching to put on a deerstalker cap and start smoking a
calabash pipe!
BEN. iformally, but not unkindly) I see nothing wrong
with employing deductive reasoning when the occasion
warrants. (all have drinks, now- BEN and ALMA plain
tonic water- and gravitate back toward sofa, where
BEN and MONICA will sit side by side, ALMA once
again settling in the armchair, during:)
ALMA. Or even if it doesn 't, more's the pity!
BEN. What utter nonsense. Pay her no mind, Lady
Monica. She exaggerates, of course! (then a// look up as
NANC Y Enters o .R.)
NANCY. (speaking with difficulty, alm ost as iftonguetied) Excuse me, but Lord Clive said something about a
mysterious note? He thought I might be of some
assistance.
BEN. (stands) Aha! May I assume from that unusual
manner of speech that you are a foreign-born person of
Hungarian extraction who has only just recently learnt
our language?
NANCY. (grimaces, contorting her mouth a moment,
then speaks clearly) You may not! I have been licking
stamps for the past fifteen minutes and can't seem to get
the glue off my tongue!
ALMA. (to MONICA) See, now! What did I tell you?
BEN. (slightly abashed) Well, it sounded Hungarian!
18
"WHILE THE LIGHTS WERE OUT"
NANCY. You must be Inspector Braddock. I'm Nancy
Stafford, the housekeeper. There'll be a wedding in a
fortnight, and I was hastening to get the invitations readied for the morning post.
ALMA. Oh, I just adore weddings! Who are the lucky
couple?
BEN. Really, Alma, that's none of our business.
ALMA. Can you be absolutely certain?
BEN. (after a pause) Well - no, of course, butMoNICA. (to disperse his discomfort) It is the wedding
of our son, Algernon, to Miss Bibi Cavendish.
ALMA. Not the famous fashion designer?! Oh, how I'd
adore to be able to afford one of her designer-frocks!
Elegant, that's what they are! Your son is a lucky man!
BEN. Alma, I sincerely doubt that he will avail himself
of her designer-frocks! (then, with less certainty, to
MONICA:) Would he?
MoNICA. Really, Inspector! (then laughs merrily)
Though I must say, it is a ludicrous image!
NANCY. (still poised just inside room, D.R.) Excuse
me, but-that mysterious message?-I really must get
back to my stamps!
ALMA. I say, don't you have a sponge-pad or somesuch? Tongue-licking is so unpleasant.
NANCY. It's gone dry. Bone dry. Until we get the new
shipment offish from the government, I'm afraid there's
just no water available in this house. Haven't been able to
bathe for the past twenty-four hours!
MONICA. (rises, leaving drink on coffeetable) Nancy,
what are you saying?! No water, and guests due at any
moment? Why was I not informed?
NANCY. I'm sorry, Lady Monica-l thought you
knew. I spoke to Lord Clive about it late yesterday afternoon . . . he said nothing to you about it?
" WHILE THE LIGHTS WERE OUT"
19
MoNICA. (icily furious) Not a word! Oh, Clive and his
all-consuming hobby! Sometimes I think I could take his
unabridged dictionary and brain him with it- ! (ALMA
automatically takes out notebook and starts writing this
down, even as CUVE Enters D. R. with a tremulous
MIMOSA trailing after him) There you are, you wretch!
How could you have failed to inform me that there's no
usable water available for our arriving guests?!
CLIVE. Water? What do you-? Oh! I say, I have been
a bit remiss! Yes, Nancy told me yesterday- it seems the
dear departed Dora cooked the fish , and so of course we
can't trust the water in the storage tanks to be free of
mosquito larvae MoNICA. Cooked the fish? But that's criminal! That
utterly stupid woman!
CLIVE. That's why Nancy fired her, I suppose!
MONICA. (to Nancy) So you'rethe reason we have only
Mimosa to do the cooking for a houseful of guests? I
wonder if perhaps I oughtn't to fire you in return!
(REMLEY appears in u.L. archway, in the company of
JASMINE PERDOO, a pretty lady of middle age,
her manner always a bit vague, and who speaks with
a slight Alabama accent, soft and genteel)
REMLEY. Miss Jasmine Perdoo! (all look toward him
as JASMINE enters room and goes directly to MONICA,
who extends both hands to clasp hers in greeting, on:)
JASMINE. Oh, Monica, I d o declare, this is the loveliest
house I've ever seen in all my born days! And the flowers
and the trees and that incredibly blue sky! To think you
live like this all year round, and with servants, besides!
(they've handc/asped by now, and JASMINE concludes
20
"WHILE THE LIGHTS WERE OUT"
with an exchange of lip-pecks on MONICA's cheek
simultaneous with MONICA's reciprocation)
MoNICA. How very happy I am you could make it,
Jasmine! (realizes awkwardness of situation) Perhaps
you should go to your room and rest after your trip-?
JASMINE. (a semi-belle of the south, not about to be
rushed away) But aren't you going to introduce me to
these lovely people?
MONICA. (wearily, but with polite control) Of course.
That's Mimosa, our maid . . . my husband Clive,
whom you already know . . . our housekeeper, Nancy
Stafford . . . of course our butler Remley must have
introduced himself when you arrived at the front
door . . . and - (takes a breath and the plunge) Detective Inspector Braddock and his assistant, Sergeant
Threedle.
JASMINE. (less carefree suddenly) The police? What's
happened?
BEN. (graciously) Nothing at all, Miss Perdoo. Merely
a routine checkup on a puzzling matter. There is nothing
to concern yourself about, I assure you.
JASMINE. (more herself now) Well, that is a relief! In
the movies, whenever the constabulary shows up at a
British mansion, somebody's just been bumped off!
(laughs prettily, realizes she's laughing alone, stops)
Dear me-has someone been bumped off?
MIMOSA. Bumped off what?
BEN. An American colloquialism, Mimosa-at least,
I presume that's who you are?
CLIVE. Confound it, Inspector, I left here to get
Mimosa, why would I return with someone else?!
MONICA. Clive, you might be just a bit more civileven if it goes against your nature!
CLIVE. Here, now, what's stuck in your craw, Monica?
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