FAMILY BEREAVEMENT SUPPORT PROGRAMME
Social Work Department
Royal Children’s Hospital
NEWSLETTER OCTOBER 2008
A warm welcome to the October Newsletter of the Family Bereavement Support Programme. From the newsletters and
groups of the Programme we hope that you will experience supportive connections with others and find resources that will
help to sustain you as you grieve for and love your child.
She Cries, He Sighs: gender, relationships
and grief
One of the particular hopes for the October group was that
it would be an opportunity for a wide ranging conversation
about gender, partner relationships and grief. The impact
of gender in grief is frequently wondered about. Do men
and women grieve differently? Is gender an issue in the
experience and expression of grief? Do partner
relationships survive the death of a child? These were
some of the questions that we hoped could be explored
with our guest for the evening Ms Puchi Dunne.
Parents who formed the October Bereavement Support
Group were warmly welcomed. All but one of the parents
had been a part of several other PBSG, so while familiar
with the pattern of the groups, we thought it was important
to acknowledge its hopes and processes. The group aims to
offer a safe place where parents who are grieving can share
as much or as little of their experiences as they feel able.
The group is a space to explore the impact of the death of a
child on those who love them and find ways of living with
loss. Parents are invited to come to the groups when ever
they feel it would be helpful to them.
It was a pleasure to welcome Puchi to the PBSG. Puchi is a
Family Support Worker at Very Special Kids. Puchi
introduced herself by sharing a little of her background.
She worked in Child Protection for thirteen years and has
been a worker at VSK for four years. Puchi commented it
is “a blessing to work there… to be a part of the work of
VSK and to meet with lots of families”. Puchi also said it
was “a privilege to be here” (with the Parents’
Bereavement Support Group). As had been mentioned
earlier, the group is very much the parents’ group and
Puchi encouraged parents to shape the evening as they
would find useful and to “feel comfortable” in taking it
(the discussion) where “they wanted” to. She invited
parents to “drive it (the conversation)… to change
direction if this would be more helpful”. After
these words of introduction, Puchi told the group
that she had “brought a little warm up activity”.
With this, she proceeded to put a range of small
coloured objects in the middle of the group.
These were figurines of animals, some soft toys
and other symbols such as stars and angels. Puchi
During the evening should parents feel the need to take
some time out from the discussion they are encouraged to
do this. Carol or Jane can be with them through this time.
Parents were also reminded that in thinking about what has
been spoken of, they may be touched deeply. There may be
matters that they would want to talk more privately about.
Parents may chose to do this with trusted family or friends
or community support people.
Vivienne (Bateman,
Bereavement Services Co-ordinator) and Jane are able to
talk with parents in between groups. Viv and Jane can be
contacted through the Social Work Department on (03)
9345 6111. Through the evening Jane takes notes
for the newsletter. The newsletter is a resource
for parents who are in the group, for those who
are unable to come and for health welfare
professionals who accompany families who are
grieving.
1
then asked parents, if they wanted and in their own time, to
pick an object that they were drawn to. Then once done to
say their names and something that they would like the
group to know about them and why they picked up that
object.
Grieving Men, Grieving Women: the complexities
After this time of getting to know each other and the
children more, Puchi then explained to the group that again
if we felt up to it we’d take a little time to think about the
impact of grief on relationships. To reflect on what
happens in relationships when partners are grieving. Puchi
asked the parents to divide in to pairs, (some of the pairs
for several reasons became ‘trios’). Puchie suggested they
look at “how men and women should grieve according to
societal pressures…. how they are meant to respond”. In
our community Puchi said there can be “hidden gender
messages” for couples in grief.
In doing this activity the group had well and truly begun.
Some parents were very quick to find an object that they
were attracted by. While others were slower, mulling over
what they would select. These are the things that some of
the parents shared with the group.
The Parents, Their Children & Some Beginning Thoughts
Here are the parents’ notes.
A father who picked up a black and white whale/dolphin
said “I picked this one for my little one who passed… It
reminds me of a black and white magpie she had… She
pressed (a spot)... the noise, then squawk… she’d love
that. Times when she wasn’t in the best of moods it
grabbed her attention”. After this black and white fellow,
we then met a small doll with a star on the chest of its
jumpsuit and a beautifully bald head, “a smiley pumpkin
head”. This little doll connected with a little baby of a
parent in the group with a “humongous smile”. We heard
how that in selecting the baby doll the mother thought she
had been of late “horribly clucky”. She reflected on how
she had come such “a long way” in her thinking about
whether she would have another child. Gumby was chosen
by another parent because her son, too “grew up with it…
it brought back all those great childhood memories”.
An elephant chosen by a father was named as “the
elephant in the lounge room… here in the group you’re
allowed to talk about your child without killing the
conversation a Thursday night fix... here you’re
allowed to talk”. An angel symbolised for one mother so
much that it was important for the group to know: “My
whole life is consumed by it” (the loss of her son). For a
father who picked up a lion the images were “of
courage… unbelievable and I’d pick up all those toys if
I could play with him again”. A little girl who was
always lovingly thought of as “a cheeky monkey” was
introduced to the group. One mother had with her, her own
symbol. It was a soft toy that she had recently been given.
The little creature wore her son’s name, his favourite
colour and had a date close in time to when her son had
died. Parents reading the newsletter
may want to think about what object
they would choose to symbolize
their child and what would you
want other parents who are
bereaved know about you or
perhaps about parental grief?
Expectations
Women
Men
Expect to be a mess for a
period
Strong
Unbalanced perception of
what’s ‘normal’
Carry family & themselves
(i.e. no counselling)
Others, including partner, not Expect to be ‘ok after x pegame to bring up child as
riod (a short time)
worried it will upset you
Having more children and
other people’s perception of
what you should do
Actually not used to deal with
emotions (both parents)
Other people’s inability to
understand the complexity of
the above- (how are you?)
easy question to ask but very
difficult to answer
A man has a “common sense”
approach…. Have to move on
“there is someone in a worse
situation than you”
A partner’s perception of you Attendance at group meetings
as opposed to your perception or seeking professional help.
of yourself.
No
Sad 6 months
Get back to work- (3 months
sad)
Cry 3 months
Cry (3 weeks)
Talk about it (12 months)
Talk about it (6 months)
Few words are spoken
(around other men
It’s not spoken about
Up go the shutters for those
around
I put on a happy face
It was interesting to note about this activity as Puchi
observed that in the room the women’s small groups
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tended to be “chatting, chatting, chatting” and that the men
“finished their job sooner”. After looking at what had been
noted, we talked more about expectations and experiences.
A mix of gender, personality and situational factors
emerged. There are so many complexities.
be a place for “chatting over a beer”
rather than in a formal setting. One view
expressed by a father was that friends
rather than partners were regarded as
supports: “that’s what my mates are
for” a father reflected.
A father commented that as he looked back since his son
died he “realised how strong you are as an individual
and as a couple you can bare all you’ve been through
and you still get on with it”. Parents spoke too about how
other people seem to relate differently to them according to
their gender. An example of this was the dreaded
question- how do you feel? A mother commented “it’s easy
to ask but it’s hard for you (to answer)”. She continued
by saying “I personally find people saying stuff, being
too sympathetic or too upset themselves is not helpful…
it upsets me. They go on and on and I just want say shut
up… its not my thing leave me alone…” She noted that
“they wouldn’t dream of talking to my husband in the
same way”. Later she added “it’s not supportive… I find
it somehow attacking… people think they can be all
emotional with a woman but not with a man… I’m the
emotional sounding board they don’t know what to
do… I don’t need it”. A father responded “generally
speaking, men keep it all in. They feel they have to carry
on, lead and all that sort of thing. There’s a general
perception that women need more support and I’ve seen
and experienced that”. There can be all sorts of messages
in grief.
From the evening’s conversation the men who participated
in parent bereavement support groups or in grief
counselling were regarded very positively by mothers in the
group. Summed up by a mother as “you’re the exception
to be here”. The observation was made that there were
three women in the October group who had come to their
first PBSG with their husbands. Interestingly, all three
couples had come on the same night. The husbands came
just that one time. However the women continue to attend
intermittently. Our impression is that like some women
some men find parent bereavement support groups helpful
while others don’t. Over the years more men have come
and father’s grief is more recognised than it once was.
However many men, it seems, do not want to be a part of a
support group. As one mother said “to him it’s like
torture”. We wondered whether for some men this have a
protective function. Perhaps men did not want to appear to
expose their vulnerability or fears in front of their partner.
Maybe too in relationships people do keep something to
themselves or hold something back. A group member
agreed saying “You don’t communicate everything (in an
intimate relationship)”. The exceptional men coming to the
group, however seems to come out of necessity. One father
responded “to do something like this (coming to a PBSG)
I would never have done before… But now. I’m close to
my father and I’m like him. He keeps everything in… I
changed when (name of his child) was born and more
since she died. I talk I know (amongst my friends) the
one’s who’ll handle it or not”.
By Myself, With Others: travelling different paths
Connecting with these comments another father later said
“for men there is no support… Men do feel unsupported
during the process of grieving.” It seems family and
friends are more involved and concerned for the woman.
“I’m not asked… They ask about my partner or the
children” he observed. Men it seems are rarely asked how
they are managing. To this a father added “with mates not
too much is said…very little has been said. People are
too scared to be sympathetic”. In contrast a mother said
that she was “lucky with my girlfriends… they will ask
and they’re not uncomfortable in hearing the answer”.
As with women some men may want to talk, while others
may not. Then again it was thought men often feel
themselves the need to be strong and the belief to keep
going, moving and to be functioning. Men may also be told
this is how they should be. The experience of the group is
that workers and support people are often more interested in
the female partner’s wellbeing. “Men are often not asked”
Puchi commented “about the special support needs that
they have…” It was wondered if for some men there may
Through the night questions were raised about the benefits
of talking versus those of keeping things in or avoiding
distressing topics or memories. A father wondered “it
couldn’t be healthy could it”? From parents’ journeys
and the October group’s conversation it seemed many
factors may influence what someone finds helpful to them
as they grieve. Everyone is different. Once more it was
emphasised as Puchi would do several times that there is no
one right or wrong way to grieve. No way that seems much
better than another. However actions that are destructive to
the self or others such as substance abuse or violence are to
be avoided. The group agreed it is very important, although
extremely hard to, not judge another person’s way of living
with grief. For as Puchi explained it can be especially hard
in partner relationships. Puchi shared with the group also
3
Through the evening it was emphasised that it is not to
suggest that either a feminine or masculine style is better or
worse than the other rather, just different. It can be helpful
to apply to understand in a partner relationship the other’s
style. Most people Puchi said have both feminine and
masculine sides to them. “Women tend to be intuitive…
they often want to talk and connect with others” Puchi said.
A mother responded “I obviously don’t fit the mould”.
However, as Puchi emphasised “this is not always the rule
but a tendency”. For example “at VSK”, Puchi continued,
“activities for women are often around them chatting,
coffee and cake and where they can connect… but for men
it’s more like doing such as bowling, ways to promote
connections… a doing base to offer support”. In their grief
men, Puchi suggested can be “more solitary and alone…
they may be more concrete in their thinking and look to the
future and going forward”. “Many factors”, Puchi noted
“contribute to a person’s style of grieving… how they
grieve”. She explained how influences such as cultural
background affect the expressions of grief. Puchi pointed
out that culture was “not just religion and ethnicity but a
culture within a family”. For example whether the family
was “loud, demonstrative or whether it was a family that
didn’t touch”. A further illustration is children may be
given the message “that it’s ok to cry if you fall over or the
message you get on and over it and don’t talk about things”.
Other messages in families such as being told that child
they were loved and having lots of physical contact are
powerful. Our childhood and family mean that it’s very
hard and takes quite an effort to change those sorts of
beliefs. Without an emotionally expressive background as
adults being demonstrative and expressive is “alien” and a
struggle. We learnt from a group member how some
families had not “celebrated” events or emotions. These
words matched a partner of another group member who
“doesn’t want to celebrate at all”. “I like to
remember….. I’m going to remember every day it’s
never going to lesson”.
that she hears frequently from couples about
“not being able to give any more, being
spent,” within a relationship. Parents who
are grieving have often talked about how
physically and emotionally drained they are.
To be able to respond to and support
another grieving person can just be too
much. And yet usually it would have been the partner who
in times of distress would have given the most
understanding and support. It is often a partner ‘who knows
us’ and the situation the best. “Partners” Puchi remarked
“know the relationship better and more intimately… when a
child has died there’s a commonality that’s very personal to
them”. Patterns in a family or in a relationship can change
positively she observed. She drew the group’s attention to
the father’s earlier comments about being so similar in his
personality and style to his father and yet how he had
changed.
In recalling experiences within the couple relationship we
heard how it can be hard for a mother who “reaches out”
to her husband to support him and finds there is no
response, no sharing. She may try to begin a conversation
about emotions or about memories of a child. If his reaction
to the reaching out is to “squash it” it can feel very lonely
or frustrating. Joining with this observation a mother spoke
about a striking difference that she had encountered with
her former partner and herself. Her impression was that
since his son’s death, he has only been able to focus on the
upsetting, difficult memories. His distress at these makes it
hard to express anything other than sad emotions or share
happy remembrances. She commented “there are good or
bad times I can choose to hang on to the good ones I
miss him more and more each day…” The sense was that
in grief some memories can be “too painful” and the
natural response is not to talk about them or dwell on them.
However a mother said “I want to talk about it”.
Our Gender, Our Grief, Ourselves: some more thoughts
As the discussion continued Puchi also guided the group
through an article written by Ms Mandy Tanner from the
Natural Parenting Group on gender differences in grief.
The article Understanding Gender differences and Grief
and
further
references
can
be
found
at
www.naturalparenting.com.au
At a point in the evening Puchi shared some handouts that
she had written and brought to the group. We moved our
way through this. We have included Puchi’s notes in the
section before Straight From the Heart.
In looking at the handouts Puchi highlighted that frequently
men and women seem to generally have “different styles”.
Their styles may be considered more masculine or
feminine. She went on to explain masculine styles of
grieving are often called instrumental. “Men relate to
doing”. Feminine styles are thought of as being intuitive.
More expressive of emotions, women relate to talking.
“Being male or female is not a clear dichotomy. Most men
and women have a mix of masculine and feminine
qualities. The important issue is not how masculine or
feminine we are but how these qualities influence our
experience of grief and affect those around us. Armed
with this understanding we can develop more fulfilling
relationships in our daily lives and during times of grief.
4
It is important to remember that when exploring the
influence of gender on grief there is no “best” way to
grieve”.
Ms. Mandy Tanner.
mothers and fathers who are
bereaved. Friends do seem frequently
to interact and communicate
differently depending on whether it
is to the grieving mother or grieving
father in a couple. The differences in
approaches to their shared grief left one mother feeling:
“I’m frustrated, I can’t understand it’s a struggle”. In
thinking more about partner relationships it was noted that
rather than “conflict” there had been some quite “heated
discussions”. Although in contrast another member of the
group said that rather than distance or tension there was
closeness in his relationship with his child’s mother.
“We’re separated but we are best friends now… that
bond (of their child’s death) we’re closer now then we
were”. One mother summed up her experiences with her
husband in this way “We deal with it differently… It’s
easier to grieve myself… I accept that we grieve
differently but I am challenged by it… we’re on
different paths over here and over there but we meet at
points we’re on parallel roads and then we have a head
-on collision”. This difference of approach to their grief
could be perhaps over something that another parent described as “a doona or bad days”. Friction and stress in
relationships reminded us that in grief as one parent
concluded “you need emotional airbags in grief”.
Linking with these ideas and earlier thoughts about grieving
styles and personal differences a father said “I read the
newsletters by myself I feel better, strong, alone… I’m
not wanting a conversation”. To this his partner replied “I
wonder…(with me) you hardly have to push a button…
they (men) do it differently. That’s how he dealt with it
he just kept going”. While another added “I wanted the
world to stop not that get-up approach”. There are
opposites Puchi stressed in couples and patterns before a
child dies which will influence how things are after the
child’s death”.
“The debate of nature versus nurture has been explored
over and over again regarding gender and how it relates
to many issues. The issue of gender and grief does not
escape this debate”. Ms. Mandy Tanner. Girls and females are biologically wired differently Puchi
said. She went on to name some of biological sources of
difference. These included fundamental neuronal and
chemical differences. Again different doesn’t mean
superior!
Broken Hearts: Broken or Bonded Relationships?
”There are some fundamental biological differences
between the sexes that cannot be disputed and are
directly linked to the way men and women experience
and express emotion”. Ms. Mandy Tanner.
These thoughts about possible tensions led us to more
conversation about partnerships and grief. Parents who are
bereaved are often given the message of doom for their marriage. Parents are told that after a child dies, a marriage
will fail. Puchi offered a more balanced view. She talked
with the group about how “it often depends on the existing
bond that there is or whether there were existing difficulties
in the past or prior to the death of the child… a marriage
may end up in gaping holes”. We don’t know the quality of
people’s relationship before the child had died while it may
be “a huge stress it (the death of a loved child) can also be a
strong bond”. “Parents may be” Puchi reflected “on a
different journey” but there’s always that connection. The
death of a child Puchi emphasized however is not a
“insurmountable” issue in a partner relationship. Puchi
described how research studies had various outcomes about
the impact of grief on marital relationships. We noted how
in the community there is a high rate of divorce and
separation regardless of grief. Puchi suggested to the group
that it can often be helpful “to place yourself in the other
person’s position… it can be very affirming for the other
person… it’s difficult if you don’t agree but you can swing
back… it can be a warming thing for the relationship… a
As well as being influenced by our physical nature as men
and women, we are affected by how we are socialised. We
thought about how even now in the twenty first century,
there can be gender differences in how children are raised.
Behaviours and qualities may be encouraged in one gender
and not the other. To give an example Puchi described how
boys generally play more sport and girls engage more in
role plays such as playing with dolls. “Studies have shown
that from childhood (particularly in previous
generations) boys are discouraged from crying whilst
girls are shown affection and attention when upset… We
have certain expectations of social behaviours we
consider to be within normal boundaries”. Mandy Tanner.
“Whilst masculine communication styles can be
misinterpreted as being uncaring or detached, feminine
communication is often described as histrionic, and
irrational”. Mandy Tanner.
This statement resonates with comments early in the
discussion about the expectations of friends towards
5
Thoughtful
Funny
Loves housework
Intelligent
Tolerant
Shows initiative
Communicative
Open minded
Attentive
Obliging
Smiley
nice thing”. Supporting this, a group member recounted her
partner’s encouraging and loving words. He had said “Do
not think that I think you’re weak because you cry I
believe you are the strongest person I know… this gave
me permission to cry. It was affirming”. Puchi
emphasized that such acknowledgement is important. Out of
her experiences a mother then extended this thought and her
earlier remarks by saying but “it’s got to be
reciprocated… When I want to turn to him I want him
to reciprocate”. As raised earlier reciprocating in grief is a
tall order.
As well as support from partners, grieving parents found
support and comfort from other sources. As noted earlier
these included good and happy memories and knowing that
the child had been loved during whatever lifetime they had.
Routines and activity were helpful too. It was felt that doing
and doing what is familiar can sometimes offer a security
and be comforting grief. Another added “You can never
expect what you are expecting”. On her son’s first
birthday and anniversary’s “I was all geared up to have a
bad day but it wasn’t it was just another day without
him… the build up to an awful day and it wasn’t”. She
explained this thought further with an example. On a
particular day of meaning for a family, her partner had acted
towards her in a way that indicated his thoughtfulness and
sensitivity. This was somewhat unexpected and yet
treasured.
In looking back over the evening we expressed our
appreciation to Puchi for the way in which she encouraged
and supported a rich conversation about the complexities
and sensitivities surrounding gender, relationship and grief.
For those who were able to stay the conversation continued
over refreshments.
Here is some of the material that Puchi gave to and spoke
with the parents in the October group. (Thanks again Puchi)
Grief, Loss and Grieving Styles: helpful ideas
Grief and Loss
Definitions
Grief is an individual ’ s or group ’ s response to the event of
loss or bereavement
The Ideal Partner!
To end our time as a whole group Puchi asked the group
whether they felt able as groups one of men and one of
women to describe their ideal partner… She brought an
outline of a person. The men did some very creative
drawing to represent on their person the qualities they
wanted. This is what the group came up and what we talked
over. Your thoughts?
For the Men the ideal partner has:
•
•
•
•
Big ears for listening
Grief is experienced in 3 major ways:
*Psychologically – feelings, thoughts, attitudes
*Socially – through behaviour with others
*Physically – through health and bodily symptoms
Bereavement “ t o be in a sad or lonely state due to a loss or
death ” . ( University of Kentucky health care )
Mourning “ state of sorrow over the death or departure of a
loved one ” . ( wordnet.princeton.edu )
A headband to show that their in for the long haul
Different Styles of Grieving
A watch to give some time
A friendship ring
A heart for caring
For the Women the ideal partner has or is:
Compassionate
Sensitive
Affectionate
Tough
(hot tight butt)
Intuitive
Instrumental
Social
Solitary
Affective
Cognitive
Emotive
Future Focussed
Past & present focussed
Productive / active
Tends to be more “ f eminine ”
6
Tends to be more “ masculine ”
Some Further Reflections About The Nature and Impact Of Grief
Some thoughts for discussion
Grief is a journey – not a destination. It is normal to feel up and down.
Grief has no time-line. It is normal for smells, places, people and situations to trigger grief reactions and memories.
Grief is personal. Two people in a relationship may grieve very differently, this can add further to the grief experience – Some feelings
associated with this may be ones of isolation, that no one can understand or comprehend your grief, that you cannot understand your
partners grief and they cannot understand yours.
Grief can become a wedge in a relationship or it can bring couples closer together.
How e grieve is not just related to gender – culture, religion, personal and family relationships, past experiences of grief, loss and history can
all impact on our individual and couple experience of grief.
Not all couples experience difficulties in connecting whilst grieving – trying to maintain a relationship and understand each other whilst
emotionally exhausted, can be another strain, or it can be a focus.
If as a couple, you have another child/children, this may add another difficult component to your grieving journey. However, it can also be a
bonding experience when as a couple you need to continue being available and responsive to another person together.
Blame and anger are very powerful and difficult – these are patterns that are easily woven into relationships. If they emerge after the death
of a child, it is likely they were there before but possibly not as prominent.
Trying to feel in tune and sensitive to another person is difficult when you are feeling sensitive or numb, angry or sad yourself.
As a couple you know the relationship better and more intimately than anyone else and your grief experience as individuals and as a couple
is personal to your and your relationship.
Two people who have experienced the same event can have different memories or feelings – this can be difficult to understand or
enlightening and helpful.
Grief and Relationships: some helpful information and thoughts
There are many people who believe that there is an extremely high rate of divorce or separation when a couple loses a
child. A study by Terea Rando in 1985 appeared to support this theory (Bereaved Parents: particular difficulties, unique
factors, and treatment issues, Social Work, Vol.30 p20)
In 1999, another survey entitled “When a Child Dies” was conducted by the Compassionate Friends organisation. The
results about newly bereaved parents didn’t match the earlier findings. In fact it indicated that although couples will
experience great stress, their relationships are not destined to disintegrate.
What I have noticed working with couples over the past 4 years is that two people in a relationship can have very
different ideas about grief and what is helpful or unhelpful for them. Further that couples who have a strong connection
and good base to their relationship can experience difficulties but are often able to work through these differences and
difficulties over time.
I have also noticed that those couples that have had difficulties in their relationship prior to the death of their child, can
experience further complications and difficulties in the relationship after the death of their child. The issues that were
there appear to intensify, sometimes these are able to be worked through and sometimes couples choose to separate.
I have heard many times from men after the death of a child that they felt unsupported and that those support services
involved were mainly concerned with the welfare of their wife or partner. The men that I have worked with similarly
indicated that friends and family seemed more concerned about their partner and that they were rarely asked about
how they were feeling.
It’s important to be kind to yourself and to your partner and not to have too many expectations of yourself or your
partner.
I have also noticed that grief can be a point of connection and doesn’t have to be a point of division.
Developing ability to place yourself in another’s position can be difficult but is a great way of enabling you to feel
empathy and understanding even if the belief is different. This empathy can be nurturing for both of you and a point of
connection.
Something that has been said to me by many families is that acknowledgement can be very powerful and affirming as
well as rewarding.
What is your experience?
Reflections: Puchi Dunne– Family Support Team Very Special Kids
7
Straight from the Heart
This month we are privileged to hear the thoughts of Courtney Campbell.
Courtney, who died last year at the age of sixteen, wrote this reflection on her experience and outlook on life when she was
eleven. It was written as part of her school work. A courageous, wise spirit resounds through the lines. Her mother Kayte read
the reflections as part of her eulogy for Courtney. We are reminded of what can be learnt from children and what has been left as
an enduring legacy. Thank you so much Kayte for sharing Courtney with us.
This piece is included in loving tribute to:
Courtney Campbell
2/10/91 – 26/04/08
NEVER GIVE UP
Courtney Campbell
Sometimes life is not as easy as just going with the flow. Sometimes there are bumps along the way and it
seems like you can’t find your way through.
This can be very depressing, I should know, as I am one of those people; I have a sick illness which brings
me down all the time.
My name is Courtney I’m eleven years old, and I’ve had my sickness since I was a baby.
I go to Melbourne regularly for check ups and operations. It can be very stressful for me and my Mum
because we have to leave my family back in Tasmania. Sometimes some doctors get carried away and
forget that I am a person with feelings and thoughts.
They talk to my Mum about me as if I am not there. I really hate it when they do this because after all it is
my body that they are talking about and torturing, so I think I should at least get some say or at the very
least get my opinion heard.
Not all doctors are like this. Some are kind and gentle and want to know how I am feeling inside as well as
outside. Even though some people say that they know what it feels like they do not really know, how could
they when it has not happened to them?
They don’t know what it is like to have heaps of needles stuck into your body all the time, and to have so
much blood taken out that you worry you have none left. They do not know what it is like to be poked and
prodded all the time as well as worrying and feeling scared before you have an anaesthetic, not to mention
starving to death before an operation.
Even though this all sounds pretty awful, there is always a good side to things, you just have to look for it!
I have many things in my life to be thankful, grateful and happy for. God made us all special in many
different ways, He made us like we are, for a reason and it is up to us
to find out what that reason is.
I am very lucky because I have some very special classmates who look after me and make me laugh all the
time. They love telling me jokes that are sometimes really bad, in fact so bad you can’t help but laugh
anyway. Sometimes we end up laughing so much that we often forget why we were laughing in the first
place.
This helps me to forget all the bad things and I feel like all my problems have been blown away by the
wind and I feel as light as a feather, floaty and really happy.
I also have two brothers, even though I fight with them and annoy them sometimes I still love them very
much, and they are always there for me and help keep my spirits up.
My Mum always says that even though you can’t change what happens in life you can always change the
way you choose to think about it, and I think it is better to think happy and positive or at least try to.
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Straight from the Heart
Our sincere thanks to Kristen’s mother, Mrs. Wendy Potts, for allowing us to glimpse her silent tears. As you’ll read,
Wendy’s powerful poem expresses the depth and persistence of grief. It records too the search to find a new purpose when the
most loved purpose is absent.
We include Silent Tears to honour and celebrate
Kristen Lee Potts
10/08/97 – 23/07/07
SILENT TEARS
So heavy are my Silent Tears
A grief not to fall upon any ears.
The emptiness of a Mother’s heart
Once filled with dreams of my child’s path.
Some tears are joys of memories old
My smile “just there” to be so bold.
But how do I endure this pain
Without you in my life ever again?
There is no map to guide me through
One moment holding steady, then feeling blue.
The drain of my emotions, beyond compare
Silent tears, every day, I must learn to bear.
Thrust into “a Club” with no way out
No matter how much you scream and shout.
Fellow members my new found friends
With understanding ears to lend.
A new purpose I now do seek
To honour you and sanity keep.
To give some meaning to this sad loss
My journey changed, new paths must cross.
So hard to focus on anything new
Because it doesn’t include you.
How can I plan a future ahead
When my thoughts are with you in the past instead?
Your presence missed by everyone
But no one as much, as this childless Mum.
I know you are with me, and in my heart you‘ll stay
Whilst in the heavens above, you wait and play.
I’ll do my best to go on and be strong
Even though it’s for you I will always long.
Carrying the weight of my silent tears
Thinking of you, year after year.
Wendy Potts
January 2008
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Contributions such as responses and reflections on the groups’ themes, poems, letters,
songs, quotations from parents, grandparents, brothers and sisters and friends are most
welcome in the Newsletters. Share your thoughts, experiences and questions with
others who are bereaved.
Please forward them to:
The Editor
Family Bereavement Support Programme
Social Work Department
Royal Children’s Hospital
Flemington Road
PARKVILLE VIC 3052
Our letter box is waiting!
Or email Jane on: [email protected]
The next meeting of the
Parents’ Bereavement Support Group
will be held on:
Thursday 20th November
7:30 pm – 9:30 pm
Seminar Room 2, 4th Floor
Front Entry Building
Royal Children’s Hospital
The November group will be joined by Ms. Vivienne Bateman, Bereavement Services
Coordinator, RCH. With the theme for the evening,
“I’m Different Now: My changed identity since my child died”.
Vivienne will explore with the group the changes to the sense of self, purpose and
direction that a parent may experience following the death of their child.
Please join us at the November group.
The newsletter is always a team effort. Thank you to Puchi Dunne, the parents of the Parents' Bereavement
Support Group, Carol Quayle, Vivienne Bateman and to our skilled, committed Administration Team- Carly
Blanche, Rebecca Welsh and Sam Harris for their work with the newsletter.
Jane Sullivan
Author & Editor
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