BREAKING
the Cycle
Saying NO to Family
Violence
David Hertzler
Not all family violence involves beating or other
physical abuse. Other forms of family violence
are:
•Sexual abuse, molestation or harassment (rape, incest);
•emotional and psychological abuse (threats, insults, harassment, mind games, destroying property or personal possessions); and
•neglect (inadequate physical or emotional care).
The victims of family violence are usually the
younger, weaker, sicker or handicapped members
of the family. The violent members are usually
the older, stronger, more capable ones who are
responsible to care for the others.
WHAT MAKES FAMILY MEMBERS
TURN VIOLENT?
In November, 1996, CBC Radio
broadcast the news of a parent who
murdered his child who was ill with
cystic fibrosis, then committed suicide.
Everyone who knew this parent was shocked that
he would do such a thing. However, other parents
who had children with the same disease testified
how stressful it was to care for such a child.
S
ome soldiers (seeking God’s favour) asked
John, “What shall we do?” John replied, “Do
not intimidate anyone...” (Luke 3:14 NKJV
paraphrased).
Have you ever mistreated anyone to make him
do what you want? That’s called intimidation.
When it happens between members of the same
family, it is called family violence.
Family violence is a big problem in our society.
It happens in families of all races, rich and
poor, religious and nonreligious, educated and
uneducated. When I was a child I saw first-hand the ugliness
of alcohol in the home. My mom and dad were
heavy drinkers. When my dad got drunk he was
extremely violent. He would beat my mom half
to death at times. Often my mom would go to
work Monday morning with her eyes swollen
shut from their fights. I was often overwhelmed
by fear. I would say to myself, “I won’t drink
when I grow up.” However, as teen years
came around, I found myself doing the
very things I had vowed I would never do.1
Violence often grows out of one of these
emotional pressures:
1. Stress. Although our life expectency is
greater than ever before, we have more stress.
Modern technology makes work easier but adds
to the stress of life. The No. 1 cause of stress
is the same as it has always been—strained
relationships. If you do not learn to manage
stress, you are a prime candidate to become
violent.
2. Anger and Hostility. Everyone gets hurt
in life, somewhere, in some way. It is natural to
respond with anger. Anger that flares up quickly
and dies down just as quickly is usually not a
problem.
You have heard that it was said to the people
long ago, “Do not murder, and anyone who
murders will be subject to judgment. But I tell
you that anyone who is angry with his brother
will be subject to judgment” (The words of
Jesus in Matthew 5:21, 22 NIV).
Violence comes mostly from anger that is held
inside until it turns to bitterness. This is the kind
of anger that Jesus was talking about in Matthew
5:22.
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3. A Need for Power and Control. Everyone
has this need. There are healthy ways to be strong
and stay in control. A violent person has not
learned these ways. He often has low self-esteem
and feelings of inferiority. He finds that violence
works to intimidate and control weaker people.
This gives him a feeling of being in control, so he
keeps using it.
Parents with strong principles often feel a
great need to control their children and make
them “do what is right.” This need can lead to
violence in religious homes. However, violence is
just as common in nonreligious homes because
they, too, sometimes lack effective means of
control.
4. Family Background. Some family violence is
learned. Abused children grow up to abuse their
own families. Unless they receive other training,
they treat their partners and children the only way
they know, the way they learned from their own
parents.
7. Immaturity. Sometimes people marry before
they are ready for the stress and responsibility of
family leadership. Sometimes teens and children
are thrust into responsibilities for which they are
not emotionally ready.
A twelve-year-old boy came home from summer
camp and told his parents that his counsellor
had been rough with him. The parents reported
the incident to the police. Investigation revealed
that the counsellor was himself a youth and not
well-trained in handling children. The “roughness”
may have been in fun, or accidental or an effort
to restrain an over-active child. The police were
unable to find enough factual data to establish a
case, and no charges were laid.
8. Shame and Guilt. When people feel unable
to fulfill responsibilities or live up to their image
of what they would like to be, their feelings may
surface as violence.
5. Isolation. In today’s mobile society, people
sometimes lose contact with extended family and
friends who could provide emotional support.
They feel trapped, not knowing where to turn for
help. Violence may be a cry for help.
6. Ignorance. It is easier to abuse other
persons when you don’t understand their needs,
capabilities and limitations. Sometimes people
overlook violence because they don’t know what is
right or normal for a given situation. For example:
It may be all right...
For a family member to be silent and withdrawn
when tired or under heavy stress;
For a parent to use reasonable force to restrain or
discipline a child;
For a parent to shout at a child in times of danger
or in fear;
For a parent to enter a small child’s bedroom
without knocking.
It is usually not all right...
For a family member to be silent and withdrawn
all or most of the time;
For a parent to use force that causes physical or
psychological damage;
For a parent to shout at a child in anger;
For a parent to enter a teen’s bedroom without
permission.
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A VIOLENT PERSONALITY PROFILE (Men)
Answer “yes” to each statement that describes
you or that you agree with.
______1. My father was abusive to me or to my mother.
______2. I experienced sexual abuse when I was young.
______3. I am often ashamed of myself.
______4. I have trouble controlling my anger.
______5. The Bible teaches the husband to be the law enforcer in his home.
______6. One or both of my parents were alcoholic.
______7. Women and children often ask for rough treatment by the way they talk or act.
______8. I often feel like a failure.
______9. My wife should be more thankful for the good things I buy for her.
______10. The Bible teaches wives to give in to every request their husbands make.
______11. People have disappointed me so often that I can’t really trust anybody.
______12. I am afraid of losing control of my family and relationships.
______13. The Bible teaches that beating children is a good way to control their bad behaviour.
______14. I live in a violent world. It wouldn’t surprise me if I do get violent at times.
______15. Housework is for women. I don’t get involved in it.
______16. I enjoy watching movies and reading books with lots of rough action in them.
______17. My father was strict with us. He usually got his own way.
______18. Women get a sexual thrill from men who are strong and tough.
______19. My wife would have an affair with another man if she had a good chance.
______20. I don’t think violence really bothers my wife. She’s not saying anything about it.
The more “yes” answers you gave, the more
things you have in your life that could make you
become violent under stress. Ten or more “yes”
responses indicates an urgent need for help.
they are not violent, they may be the nicest people
you could ever meet.
Nine-year-old Susie was visiting her aunt and
uncle. While everyone else was busy in the
kitchen, Susie and her uncle were watching TV.
Her uncle was tickling her. Then he began to feel
up under her clothes. He had done this before and
always told her to keep it a secret.2
There are many reasons why people don’t
“blow the whistle” on family violence and other
abuse.
1. Dependency. Women, children and
elders may be dependent on the abuser for the
necessities of life. Without the abuser, their lives
could be more difficult than with the abuse.
Close-knit extended families may cover up for the
abuser because they feel that the exposure of one
member threatens the whole family.
2. Powerlessness. Children and elders may
not have the power to escape the abuse. Language
and cultural or geographic barriers may isolate
victims from help. Sometimes the community
is unable to provide protection for victims. Or
victims may be unaware of service agencies and
other help that is available.
3. Shame. An abuser often leads his victims to
believe that what happened was their fault. They
turn to a shame-based style of life which may be
abusive to themselves and others.
Sharon was a student at a boarding school.
When the time came for the students to go home,
a counsellor told Sharon that she wasn’t going
home because her parents didn’t want her. Sharon
felt worthless and ashamed, like dirt and scum.
She began to see herself as ugly and to neglect
her personal appearance. She began to hate her
family and everybody around her. When she finally
got out of school, she turned to alcohol to drown
her feelings.
WHY DO VICTIMS PUT UP WITH ABUSE?
Abusers are usually not monsters. Most often
they are people who are loved and trusted. When
4. Hope. Even in violent homes, people may
enjoy some good times together. Victims
may feel that it’s better to suffer than to be
separated from loved ones. They keep hoping
for improvement.3
If you are one who hopes in this way, you need
to learn about the Violence Cycle. You need to
be aware that without help, violence usually gets
worse.
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THE VIOLENCE CYCLE
Family violence tends to run in cycles, or
stages. The
Violence Cycle
goes through
three stages
that have been
identified as the
tension-building
stage, the violent
event, and the
honeymoon stage.
In the tension-building stage, (See diagram on
next page) there is emotional and psychological
abuse. Most of these activities are not considered
illegal. Many people don’t recognize them as
a build-up to violence. These tension-building
abuses start small and build up. Pressure builds
up slowly. Stress begins to take its toll. Little
irritations seem bigger. Anger increases, but often
so slowly that the participants are not aware of it.
Feelings are expressed with complaining, blaming,
name-calling, swearing, put-downs or threats. Or
the family head may control his family by holding
back their money or not allowing them to go
places.
When the pressure gets too great to hold back,
or when an inciting event happens, there is an
explosion. This is the second stage, the violent
inflict injury. Or it may be an assault on personal
property or pets which sends the message, “Next
time it could be you.”
After the explosion releases the pressure, the
honeymoon stage kicks in. The abuser is often
sorry for what he has done. He apologizes and
may ask for forgiveness. He determines to change
his behaviour. He may offer gifts and kind deeds.
For a while it may look as if he really has changed.
But if he has not dealt with his inner issues
that started the cycle, then nothing has really
changed. As the honeymoon wears off, stress
begins to wear on him again, and the next tensionbuilding stage begins.
As the cycle repeats, the tension-building
stages get longer, the honeymoon stages get
shorter and the violent events tend to become
more severe. And the cycle will repeat for most
abusers until they get help.
VIOLENCE AND ABUSE INVENTORY
Indicate if you have ever done these things and
how often. Many adults carry shame about their
actions. Acknowledging those actions out loud can
help to begin the process of healing.
This inventory can also help a victim view a
problem partner or parent more realistically.
1 = never done 2 = once or twice
3 = sometimes 4 = a lot 5 = not sure
Emotional Abuse. Have you:
1.
And your partner ever discussed a serious
issue calmly?
2.
Sulked, refused to talk or given your
partner “the silent treatment”? 3.
Withdrawn affection or sex to punish
your partner?
4.
Stomped out?
5.
Screamed, insulted or sworn at your
partner? 6.
Ridiculed your partner? 7.
Run down your partner’s family or
friends?
8.
Done any of these things in public?
event. What happens at this stage is usually
illegal. It is at this point that charges could be laid
and the law could step in.
The violent event may be a beating that
ends in black eyes. It may be pinching, burning,
stabbing, hair-pulling, or other action intended to
_____
_____
_____
_____
_____
_____
_____
_____
Threats and Psychological Abuse.
Have you:
9.
Threatened to leave the relationship?
_____
10. Threatened to cut off money or credit?
_____
11. Threatened to take away children?
_____
12. Threatened to report your partner to
Child Welfare, probation worker or
other authority figure? _____
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13. 14.
15.
16.
Threatened to have an affair?
Threatened to tell family secrets
to others? Threatened with suicide? Threatened to go drinking? Economic Abuse. Have you:
17.
Controlled bank accounts in a
humiliating fashion?
18.
Handed out “allowance” in a
humiliating fashion? 19.
Demanded accountability for
expenditures? 20.
Confiscated paycheque or credit
cards?
_____
_____
_____
_____
_____
_____
_____
_____
Isolation and Monitoring. Have you:
21.
Told partner not to leave the house?
_____
22.
Been abusive or rude to friends/
family?
_____
23.
Monitored partner’s mail/phone
calls?
_____
24.
Given partner a curfew? _____
25.
Searched partner’s pockets/purse?
_____
26.
Not let partner work outside the
home?
_____
27.
Made partner check in, or phone and
check on partner? _____
28.
Locked partner in the home or taken away the means of transportation or
communication? _____
Anger and Intimidation. Have you:
29.
Blocked doorways? 30.
Used intimidating stares? 31.
Punched walls or slammed doors?4
_____
_____
_____
A HEALING PATH
For Violent Adults...
Violent people usually don’t get better without
help. The help that is most
effective deals with the whole
person:
1. The spirit, which longs for
God;
2. The mind and intellect,
which carry a burden of wrong beliefs;
3. The heart and soul, which long for
closeness and love;
spinning in other lives. A parent’s violent
behaviour often starts a similar pattern in the lives
of the children. It becomes a generational pattern.
If you had a violent parent or if you have a
violent partner, it is a good idea to seek help for
the deep emotional effects of violence in your life,
even if you have not yet turned violent. This will
help to break the generational cycle of violence as
you deal with the pain and any resulting bitterness
or anger.
With your helper, you can start to understand
your inner wounds and learn new responses to
the stress of life. An excellent guide for learning
new responses is God, Help Me Stop (Claire W.,
Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids, MI).
Ask your local bookstore to order it if they don’t
have it.
AN ACTION PLAN FOR REDUCING VIOLENCE
The following steps have been effective for many
violent adults.
1.
Keep records of what happens:
a. both inside yourself (thoughts and emotions) and outside (actions),
b. before, during and after the violent event.
2.
Learn to recognize cues that tell you when
you are angry and when the anger is getting
out of control. Look for such things as physical
changes, negative self-talk, mental pictures and
words that stir up anger.
3.
Call a time-out to move away from the
action and cool down. Set a time when you will
return. Thirty minutes should be enough to cool
down from most anger.
4.
Keep busy during the time-out. Physical
exercise like walking, jogging or chopping wood
may help. Do not use alcohol or drugs during
time-outs.
5.
Plan how you will express yourself when
you return to the action. Decide how and whether
you will discuss the issue, put it on hold or drop it.
6.
If you cannot find a way that works to
express yourself, spend time with a support group,
pastor or counsellor and learn from them.
4. The body, which needs good nutrition and
medical care.
For Victims of Violence...
It may be hard to believe the following truths
about yourself. If you have a Bible, you can read
what God says about you as a person.
The Violence Cycle has a broader dimension.
If it is not broken, it can start Violence Cycles
1. You are made to be like your Creator. Read Genesis 1:26, 27.
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2. Your desires for close relationships, security and impact on your world are good desires because God gave them to you. Read Genesis 1:28, 2:19-25.
3. Sin brings death and separation from God and other people. Read Genesis 3:1-24.
4. God loves you so much that He provided a way for you to find security, closeness, impact and true life that lasts forever. Read John 3:16-21.
But living in a violent world, you have learned
some lies that contradict God’s truths. Here are
some of those lies.
1. I am no good, worthless, garbage, because important people in my life have treated me like this.
2. I can never have the kind of relationships I long for deep in my heart. I might as well grab what I can and stop hoping for anything better.
3. Other people will give me what I want if I work hard enough, act tough enough or outwit them in some way.
4. I can’t trust God or anybody else to meet my needs. It’s all up to me.
The longer you live by these lies, the more
deeply rooted they will be in your life. Getting
these roots out may take a long time and lots of
help. That’s why it is important to find a helper
who will stick by you and won’t give up on you
when you fail to reach all your goals on time.
God is a helper like this.
“God is our refuge and strength, an ever present
help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though
the earth give way and the mountains fall into the
heart of the sea. There is a river whose streams
make glad the city of God, the holy place where
the Most High dwells. God is within her, she will
not fall. God will help her at break of day”
(Psalm 46:1, 2, 4, 5 NIV).
But God has also provided other helpers for us,
helpers with skin, such as parents, ministers and
counsellors. After you have trusted God, He will
help you to trust another human also. You will find
that just learning to trust takes away some of the
stress and anger inside.
An excellent book for victims of violent
partners is God, Where is Love, by Claire W.
(Zondervan Publishing House). It looks at the
reasons why people sometimes choose unhealthy
relationships and stay in them. This book will help
you examine your own past and make an action
plan for change in your own patterns of relating to
people.
For Anyone
in a
Violent Family...
You may also find it helpful to learn to trust
other people outside your family. A support group
is a good setting for this to happen. Look in
the phone book for mental health agencies and
counselling services. You may find some of these
in the Yellow Pages under “Children,” “Social
Service Organizations,” or “Crisis Intervention.”
Ask them for information on counselling or
support groups. Don’t be afraid to try several
groups if necessary before finding one that is
right for you. A group like this will give you a
setting in which to practic your new responses
before trying them out on your family.
Look for church support, too. Look for a church
that has already dealt with any violent tendencies
its members may have. When you find a church
like this, you will have a spiritual haven for your
own recovery. It may take some searching, but a
church like this is well worth the search.
Family violence is more than a family matter.
It is a crime against humanity. But we must not
depend on civil law to wipe it out. Until all of us
stand up, with God’s help, and say, “This must
stop!” we can expect to suffer from this evil.
ENDNOTES
1. Howard Jolly, Hope For the Hurting, Rising Above, Moose
Factory, Ontario, 1996.
2. Told by Lynn Heitritter in Little Ones Activity Workbook,
Little Ones Books, 1983.
3. Some points modified from About Family Violence,
Scriptographic Communications, 1988.
4. From Rising Above: Dealing with Issues of Abuse, 1995
conference.
NYM Ministries
Site 306 Box 1 RR 3
Dryden, ON P8N 3G2
P 807.937.4421 • F 807.937.5524
www.nymministries.org • [email protected]
Scriptures quoted from The Holy Bible - New King James Version
Copyright © 1997
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