December 8, 2015 ⋄ Issue #39
I've been writing stories about Damsel In Distress and Her
Knight In Shining Story since early June, 23 issues in total.
Most issues have included two stories. I hope you will help
me select the Story of the Year from three of my favorites.
All three stories are included in this issue. Anyone can vote
once. Send your name, country/state and your vote to me via
email <[email protected]>. All who cast a vote
will be entered into a drawing for a $25 USD Amazon gift
certificate. Votes must be received by the time I wake up on
Christmas Day, 2015.
Story #1 "Distracted on defense." From issue 28, September 17, 2015
We find ourselves kibitzing the number seven table. Bob the Showoff is sitting south, opposite a sirenesque
female student1. She is costumed as Sofia the Siren, a character introduced in Victor Mollo's The Hog in the
21st Century. Sofia greatly admires the puppet master of a well played card. She also is dressed to
perfection. It is mind boggling how a dress designed to reveal so much can yet leave even more to the
imagination.
The Black Knight and the Terminator2, West and East, man the defense. Oblivious to the auction and the
start of play on the deal, the Terminator's gaze in the East is fixed at the long slit covering the left leg of the
seductive student at his right. Normally the Hog's equal on defense, at this moment he is as clueless as ever
was the Rabbit.
"Hey, Terminator! It's your play."
1
Bob the Showoff chooses his female students from <http://beautifulwomenwhowantbridgelessons.com>.
The Terminator is a defender so lethal that declarers leak from fear and dummies would rather take a hurried trip to
the restroom instead of turning the cards. He is so lethal that mamas no longer let their children grow up to be bridge
players. He is so lethal that weeds don't grow in his garden. Down one is good bridge, against him.
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"Huh?" Not an erudite response from a man vying for the
student's attention.
"Yes. We're playing against Bob's three no trump contract.
Do you need a review of the auction?" He did.
"My ♠K and ♠Q (0-2) were allowed to win the first two
tricks. I switched to the ♥Q, won by the ♥A (1-2) on the
dummy. Now Bob has called for dummy's ♦A. What are
you going to play?"
"Let me think."
Blackie must have started with 5 spades, and Bob held up
his ace for two rounds. Because I have 7 clubs, it looks like
Bob has J-x-x in the club suit. If my partner has 4-5 hearts,
as implied by his lead at trick 3, Bob can only have 2-3.
That leaves him with 4-5 diamonds, 5 if he has any chance
to make the contract. So Bob's hand was originally
3-2-5-3.
Man oh man, is she intoxicating! Bob can make the
contract with one spade, two hearts, four diamonds, and
two clubs, but he needs to get to his hand to run the long
diamonds, and the club suit is his only hope of that unless I
lead a spade to his ♠A.
If I duck the ♦A and win the diamond continuation, I'm end played. I lead a spade to his ♠A and he unblocks
the diamond suit by discarding the ♦J. That's not good, he has 1 spade, 2 hearts, 4 diamonds, 2 clubs, and
the woman. If I win the ♦K and lead a club, he wins with the ♣J, plays the ♠A discarding a diamond honor,
and again ends up with the woman. If I want to defeat the contract, it must be right to refuse to win a
diamond.
So the Terminator plays the ♦K under the ♦A (2-2) Bob continues with the ♦Q and ♦J, bringing his total to
four tricks (4-2). When he leads a small club from dummy, the Terminator rises with the ♣Q (4-3) and
returns a club locking Bob in dummy (5-3). The Black Knight has figured out what is going on and is
pitching his spades. Bob cashes his last club (6-3) and his last top heart (7-3). With only seven tricks in,
Bob must surrender three hearts to Blackie. Down two! After the cards are put away, the female student
signals her appreciation for the Terminator's expert play. In his dreams.
This deal originally appeared in The Hog in the 21st Century, chapter 8, page 53. The Rabbit entirely by
accident unblocked the ♦K.
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Story #2 "Dueling bridge by dueling lovers." From issue 17, June 14, 2015
They are at home now, off with the armor and exquisite gown. There is nothing between them to prevent a
truthful dialog.
"Herman?" She is sitting up, leaning over him.
It's not a good sign when she uses my civilian name. "Yes, m'lady?"
"Why?"
It's truly trending badly when she won't tell me the question. "Huh? I mean, yes m'lady?"
"Do you love, honor, and respect me?"
"Why do I love honor and respect you? There are many ..."
"No. Answer the question. Do you love, honor and respect me?
"Of course I do. I said so at the altar and ...."
"Do you trust me?"
"With all my heart and soul. Upon my word as a Knight In ..."
"I don't believe you do. Why do you play all the hands? More to the point, why don't you let me play any
hands?"
"But I did. Just tonight you declared 4 spades on board 17."
"Sir Knight, everyone in the room played 4 spades on that board. And everyone took the same number of
tricks. It is what they say, a flat board. Do I look flat to you?"
Reaching up to her for an urgently needed reminder, he says, "You are so beautifully not flat!"
"Then remember that the next time you steal a contract from me. No matter if you make the bid, it will end
badly for you."
The deal that provoked this interchange occurred earlier in the evening at The Bridge Club.
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The Farmer's Wife and a Blind Mouse were sitting East-West against the Damsel In Distress and her Knight
In Shining Armor. You might remember the Farmer's Wife from the nursery rhyme, Three Blind Mice. She
wields a very sharp blade and takes it with her wherever she goes, even to bridge. Her zero tolerance policy
includes slicing and dicing mouse tails if their owners get out of line. It also works on directors.
The Damsel In Distress and her Knight In Shining Armor were vulnerable. The Damsel dealt and picked up
these cards as North.
Damsel: ♠ ------ ♥A Q 5 4 ♦A 8 6 2 ♣A K J 8 4
Bidding 2/1 with gadgets, the Damsel opened, "1 club." The
Farmer's Wife in the East bid, "2 spades," a weak jump shift. The
Knight bid, "3 spades," showing values and at least tolerance for
clubs. The Damsel bid, "4 clubs," Roman Keycard Minorwood.
The Knight bid, "4 diamonds," showing one keycard. The
Damsel bid, "4 hearts," asking about the ♣Q. The Knight bid, "5
clubs," denying the ♣Q. The Damsel bid, "6 clubs," to sign off.
The Knight bid, "6 NT," because if made it would score higher.
This bid didn't go well with the Damsel, who believed the Knight
had been hogging hands all night. She placed down the bid card
for, "7 clubs," and patted it in place 7 times. As she did this, there
was no mistaking her look of daggers. The Knight, sensing glory
with further bidding, bid, "7 NT." The damsel turned a lovely shade of crimson, which unfortunately
clashed with her peach gown. She slammed down a red double card with the angry words, "I hope you
crash and burn. If you do or don't, you'll burn at home tonight." The Knight then called the Director, on
the theory that one player can't call for double penalties on her own partner.
The Director agreed, "However justified you are in doubling your selfish, glory seeking partner, it is not
allowed. You must replace the red card with a green pass." She did so slowly.
Then the Farmer's Wife doubled, saying, "We ladies must stick together. I double you, Knight of Jerkville,
and hope you crash and burn." Placing himself more directly in harm's way, the Knight redoubled in a
foolish attempt to assert his knightly rights.
The complete deal is shown on the next page.
The Blind Mouse, fearing the Farmer Wife's blade, led partner's spade suit with the ♠3. A low diamond was
pitched from dummy. East's ♠J was won by the Knight's ♠A (1-0).
So far, the Knight knew little. Spades probably broke 4-6. But what about hearts? The Knight played his
♥K (2-0), then dummy's ♥A (3-0) and ♥Q (4-0). On the third round, the Mouse pitched a small spade.
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The Knight now had almost a complete count on the
Farmer Wife's hand. She started with 6 spades, 4 hearts,
and 3 cards in the minors. The Blind Mouse started with
4 spades, 2 hearts, and 7 cards in the minors.
If there was to be a squeeze, the Farmer Wife had hearts
and spades, and the mouse had diamonds and spades.
The threat cards were 3 diamonds and the ♥5 in dummy,
and 3 diamonds and the low spade in hand.
The Knight then started off on the clubs. The ♣A (5-0)
dropped the ♣Q. On the ♣K (6-0), ♣J (7-0), and ♣8 (8-0),
the Farmer Wide threw 3 small spades. The Knight
followed suit with clubs, and the Mouse followed twice
and pitched one small diamond.
The Knight now had the hand completely counted down.
The Farmer's wife had left 2 spades, the ♥J, and 2
diamonds. The Mouse had 2 spades and 3 diamonds.
When the ♣4 (9-0) was played from dummy, the squeeze
was executed. The Wife was forced to pitch a diamond, as
she must protect both dummy's heart and declarer's spade.
The Knight now pitched the ♦9, to make possible a
marked finesse in diamonds against the Mouse. The
Mouse pitched a now useless spade. A low diamond was
led from dummy to Knight's ♦K (10-0). On the ♠K (11-0)
everyone followed low. Knight then led the ♦4 through
the Mouse's Q-7 to dummy's A-8 (13-0). 7 NT, doubled
and redoubled, vulnerable, for the top of tops. And
everyone was furious with the Knight In Shining Armor
for bidding and making it.
This deal appeared in the ACBL District 9 Common Game during June, 2015.
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Story #3 "A bad trump break falls, but doesn't land on Chicken Little." Issue 31
It is wall to wall tonight in Bucksnort's Beverage and Chocolate Cafe. The day's duplicates have all been
scored, and animated bridge players waving hand records are excitedly discussing their triumphs and
failures. Good times are common at The Bridge Club.
Chicken Little has just been hoisted into the cafe on the shoulders of her favorite rooster and Bricks, the pig
who constructs houses guaranteed never to be blown down no matter how hard a Big Bad Wolf might blow.
The raucous crowd cheers, and a wealthy patron hollers (with a nod to Victor Mollo's Rueful Rabbit), "The
chocolate, double almond cookies are on me."
Chicken Little is the cute American cousin to the Commonwealth's Henny Penny. Henny Penny was the
first to gain fame for claiming, "The sky is falling." Little brought the concept to the bridge table by
claiming, "The trumps are breaking badly." Little's fans go crazy when she brings home a contract with an
adverse 5-0 trump break. Her fans also love it when she lays an egg at the table because trumps are 3-2 with
the queen onside. She must have laid some eggs today because two peeping hatchlings have followed her
into the cafe. That she is now standing on a table with
mic in wing must mean that she has overcome some
horrendous break.
She starts, "Cluck, cluck-cluck, cluck, pawk! Pawk,
screech! Screech!" Which translates to, "Sometimes,
trouble finds you. Sometimes you must go looking for it.
But the best times are when you find each other!"
"My partner the Rooster, sitting North, deals and opens a
strong one no trump. I have King fifth of spades, King
fifth of clubs, and the Ace of diamonds, so I bid two
hearts to transfer. LHO (West) doubles, who just
happens to be Bob the Showoff. Of course it's our hand,
Bob's just trying to draw attention to himself. He has
heart length, heart strength, or both.
"My partner passes like the egg creating stud he is. To
make that pass he should have length and strength in
hearts and no particular desire to play a spade contract.
The implication is clear, we have the cards to play in no
trump.
"RHO, a stunningly beautiful female student, has
nothing good to do. It's two hearts, doubled, to her. She
shouldn't run to spades, because I have at least five
behind her. She shouldn't run to three hearts, because if
they can't beat two hearts, playing three hearts doubled
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will be brutally painful. She must pass and hope for the best, top or bottom.
"I have a powerful 10 HCP, so I probably should bid three no trump for partner to play. We're vulnerable,
don't you know. But Bob has already disclosed the heart suit, and you know how I like the challenge of a
bad trump break, so I convert his lead directing double to penalty. That's right, I get to play the contract,
two hearts doubled, in my void. Pawk-pawk! Screech!" And the crowd roars.
"Bob, in the West, leads the ♣J. Dummy comes down, can you see it on the big screen? For winners I have
two top spades, two top clubs, the ♦A and possibly the ♦Q from an end play, and three or four ruffs. Surely
there is enough for eight tricks. Making two hearts doubled is game, and scores better than three no trump
making five.
"So I win the opening lead with the ♣A (1-0), and cash the ♣Q. It wins (2-0). Then I play dummy's ♠A
(3-0) and lead a small spade to my ♠K which wins (4-0). I lead the ♠7. When Bob sluffs a diamond, I can
ruff small with dummy's ♥7 (5-0). I lead a small diamond fron dummy to my ♦A (6-0). I then lead a small
spade toward dummy. Trying to make something happen, Bob ruffs with the ♥J. I over ruff with dummy's
♥Q (7-0). I lead a club from dummy toward my ♣K which Bob ruffs (7-1). He leads a small heart, which I
win with the ♥K (8-1) in dummy. Bob then claims the rest of the tricks (8-5).
"When you play in your void, the trumps always break badly.
"Two hearts doubled, vulnerable, scores +670, which beats everybody else in three no trump making four or
five. I'm glad trouble and I found each other. Life is good, pawk!" And so are chocolate, double almond
cookies.
This deal appeared in the ACBL District 9 Common Game during September, 2015.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Questions or comments? Email me at [email protected], or text me at 1-419-575-4513.
In total there are 53,644,737,765,488,792,839,237,440,000 (or 53.6 octillion) different bridge deals possible,
which is equal to 52!/(13!)^4. The deal presented in this issue of The Rueful Rabbit is but one of them.
Bridge deals are not subject to copyright protection, but what is written about any bridge deal can be
copyrighted.
Mailbag
Pertaining to "Ruffing guillotine" (issue 38): From the bidding, East can hold only 1 or 2 spades. If 2, it is
possible that East held the 10 and chose not to play it at trick 1. Therefore, South's first spade promotion
should be with the Jack, not the 7. If East held the 10, it would be pinned. Not very likely, but why take the
chance? Regards, Paul Sidikman. [Paul, I agree. I almost wrote it that way.]
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Stuff
This column/blog is titled The Rueful Rabbit. It is my way of paying homage to Victor Mollo for his
humorous bridge stories. In The Rueful Rabbit I offer my own humorous bridge stories.
Many characters from classical literature and folklore are bridge addicts, and their stories appear in The
Rueful Rabbit. The Knight In Shining Armor, Damsel In Distress, Black Knight, Big Bad Wolf, Little Red
Riding Hood, 3 house building pigs, 3 blind mice and the Farmer's Wife, Little Bo Peep, and Chicken Little,
are characters from long ago folklore. Papa Pig the Hand Hog is a fictional character, as are the Terminator,
Bob the Showoff and his beautiful female students.
If you like The Rueful Rabbit, please forward it freely to your friends or print them a
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There are readers of The Rueful Rabbit in the United States, Australia, Canada, Cyprus, India, Mexico, New
Zealand, Switzerland and United Kingdom.
David Albrecht plays bridge in Franklin, TN, USA.
The stories told in this issue of The Rueful Rabbit are copyrighted © 2015 by David Albrecht.
David Albrecht, Ph.D.
Author, blogger, bridge player, professor
Bio: https://www.linkedin.com/in/profalbrecht
945 Hwy 438; Centerville, TN, 37033
[email protected]
1-419-575-4513
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