The 4 Major Attachment Styles
Attachment refers to a particular way in which you relate to other beings. Our “style” of attachment formed in
us at a young age and stays with us into adulthood. Understanding our style, and how it plays out with your life,
is helpful insight into how/why you feel and do things the way you do. It also shows you where you might be
limiting yourself as an adult/teen/and or a bond with your child/children.
Four main attachment styles (derived from Dr. Dan Siegel’s work):

Secure attachment - Dr. Dan Siegel emphasizes that in order for a child to feel securely attached to
their parents or care-givers, the child must feel safe, seen and soothed. This translates into an adult that
feels overall trusting in relationships, tends to have higher self-esteem, comfortable being themselves
and being vulnerable with friends and loved ones… Siegel refers to this as secure personality in adults,
“They have a strong sense of themselves and they desire close associations with others. They basically
have a positive view of themselves, their partners and their relationships. Their lives are balanced: they
are both secure in their independence and in their close relationships.”

Avoidant attachment - Adults who are emotionally unavailable and, as a result, they are insensitive to
and unaware of the needs of their children, often times not by a conscience choice. They have little or
no response when a child is hurting or distressed. These parents discourage crying and encourage
independence. Often their children quickly develop into “little adults” who take care of themselves.
These children pull away from needing anything from anyone else and are self-contained. They have
formed an avoidant attachment with a misattuned parent. As an adult this turns into dismissive
attachment patterns. These people tend to be loners; they may regard relationships and emotions as
being relatively unimportant. They are cerebral and tend to suppress their feelings. Their typical
response to conflict and stressful situations is to avoid them by distancing themselves. This person often
feels their life is not balanced: he/she tends to turn inward and isolate, and emotionally be removed
from themselves and others.

Ambivalent/Anxious Attachment – Some adults are inconsistently attuned to their children. At times
their responses are appropriate and nurturing but at other times they are intrusive and insensitive.
Children with this kind of parenting are confused and insecure, not knowing what type of treatment to
expect. They often feel suspicious and distrustful of their parent but at the same time they act clingy and
desperate. These children have an ambivalent/anxious attachment with their unpredictable parent.
Meaning that they are not sure if asking for help or reaching out when they are in need is a safe or a
right choice. The result is as an adult they have preoccupied attachment patterns. As adults, they are
self-critical and insecure. They seek approval and reassurance from others, yet this never relieves their
self-doubt. In their relationships, deep-seated feelings that they are going to be rejected make them
worried and not trusting. This drives them to sometimes act clingy and overly dependent with their
partner. Again, this person’s life is not balanced: their insecurity leaves them turned against themselves
and emotionally desperate in their relationships.
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
Disorganized Attachment – When a parent or caregiver is abusive to a child, the child experiences the
physical and emotional cruelty and frightening behavior as being life-threatening. This child is caught in
a terrible dilemma: her survival instincts are telling her to flee to safety but safety should be the very
person who is terrifying her. The attachment figure is the source of the
child’s distress. In these situations, children typically disassociate from their selves. They detach from
what is happening to them and what they are experiencing is blocked from their consciousness. Children
in this conflicted state have disorganized attachments with their fearsome parental figures. As adults,
they develop fearful-avoidant patterns of attachment. Since, as children, they detached from their
feelings during times of trauma, as adults, they continue to be somewhat detached from themselves.
They desire relationships and are comfortable in them until they develop emotionally close. At this
point, the feelings that were repressed in childhood begin to resurface and, with no awareness of them
being from the past, they are experienced in the present. The person is no longer in life today but
rather, is suddenly re-living an old trauma. These people’s lives are not balanced: they do not have a
coherent sense of themselves nor do they have a clear connection with others. This style of attachment
is common for attachment disorders and reactive attachment disorder diagnosis in children. The desire
to attach is there but not a felt sense of safety in the attachment.
Mindfulness activity and creative journaling assignment
Take a moment to join your horses in their environment – this might be an arena, pasture, stall (if you can safely
hang out for a while). Once you are in their environment walk around it. Pretend that you are seeing it for the
first time. Slow down and explore what you can sense. What do you see, feel, smell, maybe not taste 
Once you have given yourself the gift of exploring, find a place to sit and quiet your mind in whatever way works
for you. If you horse joins you great, if not that is great too – you job is to “be” in the moment with your horses.
When you feel ready, open your journal and start to write, draw, mind-map, the following open sentences:

What does it mean to be a sentient being?

What is attachment – what does it feel, look, and act like?

What is the freedom to choose really look like?

o
I give this freedom to myself by….
o
I give this freedom to my horses by…
What do I want from my relationship with my horses – personally and professionally?
Looking to dive in & learn more?
Sign up for one of our trainings! Let us know you purchased the tele summit and receive a discount as our gift!
Discount Code: Healing2017 for a $50 discount to one of our trainings in 2017!
www.UnbridledChange.org
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[email protected]
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540-334-2171