EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW
ABOUT THE SCARLET LETTER
IN 10 MINUTES OR LESS
_________________________________________
A ten-minute comedy
by Don Zolidis
This script is for evaluation only. It may not be printed,
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Possession of this file does not grant the right to perform this
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Everything you need to know about The Scarlet Letter in 10 Minutes or less © 2013 Don
Zolidis
All rights reserved. ISBN 978-1-62088-232-0.
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CAST OF CHARACTERS
BOB
DANI
CROWD (played by Bob)
HESTER PRYNNE (played by Dani)
CHILLINGWORTH (played by Dani or Bob)
MINISTER (played by Bob)
PEARL (played by Bob)
DIMSDALE (played by Bob)
ELIZABETH (played by Dani)
HAWTHORNE (played by Bob)
NOTES
How to perform this play:
Method 1: Two actors play all the roles, including Dani and
Bob and the crowds. This involves switching characters
instantly on stage with a change in stance or voice. Small
pieces of costume could do the trick.
For example,
Chillingworth might have a cane. Pearl might have a bonnet.
Anything that could be lightning-quick and not slow down the
show in the slightest. Chillingworth may be played by either
actor (Dani or Bob), and does not need to be played by the
same actor throughout the show (i.e. Dani can play him in one
scene, and Bob in another, as long as the characterization is
consistent).
Method 2: Dani and Bob are separate entities, and all other
roles are performed by 2 additional actors.
Method 3: All roles are performed by different actors. I
actually think this is the least funny way to perform this play,
so I don't encourage this, but if you have a large group, it's
conceivable that you could use a cast of 10-15 for this play.
Everything you need to know about The Scarlet Letter in 10 minutes or less
5
(DANI is sitting down with a copy of The Scarlet Letter by
Nathaniel Hawthorne. She is on page 1, and writhing in agony
at the reading process.)
DANI: Arrrgh. Urrrrh. Oh man this book. This book hurts
my head.
(BOB, chipper, enters.)
BOB: Hey Dani! Want to go cow tipping? I hear the cows are
real sleepy this time of night.
DANI: I wish I could but I have to read this stupid Scarlet
Letter book for English class. We have a huge test on it
tomorrow! If there was only some way to slice open my brain
and pour the book in so I don't have to spend time reading it.
BOB: YOU'RE IN LUCK! With the power of theatre, we can
open up your brain right here! Metaphorically speaking!
DANI: Wow, let's do it!
BOB: Sweet! This will count as my community service time
too, which will help me in the courts. So now...for your
viewing pleasure...the book that no one has ever read for fun:
The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne!
DANI: Can I ask why we have to read The Scarlet Letter if
everyone hates it?
BOB: We have to read The Scarlet Letter because everyone
hates it.
DANI: Huh?
BOB: Exactly. You see—your English teachers hated it when
they were in school, but they were forced to read it when they
were growing up, just as their teachers were forced to read it
when they were growing up. Soon, when you are older, you'll
force the next generation to read it too. And on and on it will
go until the end of time, a chain of misery and suffering
© Don Zolidis
This is a perusal copy only.
Absolutely no printing, copying or performance permitted.
6
Don Zolidis
stretching down through our descendants, linking us together
in an unending web of darkness and ruin.
DANI: Wow.
BOB: The Circle of Life. But let's get to it! Chapter One.
(Dani becomes HESTER.)
Massachusetts. Sixteen hundred something. Before anyone
had any sense. A woman stands alone on a platform, holding
her baby. A large red A embroidered on her chest.
(Someone throws a baby at Hester.)
A crowd gathers.
(Bob assumes various crowd personas.)
"Hey! Hey you! We've come to heckle you!"
"We don't enjoy your company!"
"We don't like your baby either!"
"I've seen better babies in the woods. Where the babies are."
"Hey how come you got a fancy A? You think you're better
than block letters?!"
"We'll teach you to use cursive."
"Anyone want to throw something at the baby? Anyone?
Who here has the moral rectitude to punch that baby?
Anyone?" (Short pause.) "Come on people. Jesus wants you to
punch the baby."
(A small child with a British accent:)
Please, sir. I'll punch the baby.
(Back to the other person:)
No your arms are too spindly and week. I need a housewife.
(Becomes a housewife:)
I'll do it!
© Don Zolidis
This is a perusal copy only.
Absolutely no printing, copying or performance permitted.
Everything you need to know about The Scarlet Letter in 10 minutes or less
7
(Back to the other person:)
Step right up! Step right up!
maintain order!
Time for the righteous to
(Housewife approaches:)
Hi-Ya!!
(Big reaction:)
Ooooooh!
(Another assault:)
And... Wha-cha! And boo-ya!
HESTER: Please stop punching my baby.
HOUSEWIFE: Oh take a look at Miss Sinner trying to stop us
from punching the baby. Trollope.
BOB: And so Hester was done with her daily service to the
community.
HOUSEWIFE: Peace be with you. God loves you. He wants
to see you suffer though. That's why He's sending you to hell.
HESTER: Man, I hate Salem.
BOB: Miss your husband, do ya?
HESTER: No!
BOB AND HESTER: Flashback flashback flashback!
(Bob becomes CHILLINGWORTH,
hunchbacked monster.)
a
truly
disgusting
MINISTER: Do you, Hester, take this old disgusting man
Chillingworth to be your lawful wedded husband because you
have no other options?
HESTER: I guess so.
© Don Zolidis
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8
Don Zolidis
MINISTER: Moo ah ha ha ha!
CHILLINGWORTH: Heee heee heee!
righteous bride!
(Chillingworth coughs horribly.
truly disgusting.)
Come with me my
Spits something out.
He's
Even though I'm forty years older than you, God has blessed
our union because you don't have a lot of say in these things. I
will remind you, however, that you would do well to cover up
your suggestive ankle. It may tempt men to sin.
(Becomes a man walking by:)
MAN: Whoah! Check out the ankle on that babe! Woo hoo!
Hubba hubba!
CHILLINGWORTH: That was your fault by the way.
HESTER: I feel a little oppressed.
CHILLINGWORTH: Good. Now, because I love you, I'm
going to send you to America by yourself and wait five or six
years for me to show up. I'm sure you'll have no trouble
fending off wolves, Indians—
HESTER: I call them Native Americans.
CHILLINGWORTH: I call them Savages. Bears. Diseases.
Icy winters. Et cetera. I'm sure God will look after you,
because if there's one thing I know about God, He really takes
care of single women on their own. Welp. Anyhoo, I'm going
to kick around England for a while and get kidnapped by
pirates. Remember darling. It's all part of God's plan. All
right now go.
(He slaps her behind.)
HESTER: You hit me on the rump.
© Don Zolidis
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Everything you need to know about The Scarlet Letter in 10 minutes or less
9
CHILLINGWORTH: Honey. Remember: We're in a stifling
patriarchy, I can do anything I want to you. Boy it's good to
be alive, right? Am I right?
BOB: So Hester went to America.
(Hester pukes on the boat.)
It was a long voyage. Beset with many giant squids which
attacked on a regular basis.
(Bob becomes a giant squid and threatens the ship.)
Bllauarurururuu!
HESTER: Wait a minute, a giant squid attacks me?
BOB: I'm just trying to spice this up! This book is so boring!
Oh wait...no it wasn't...because once she got to America she
met...
(Hester stops and stares with longing.)
HESTER: Richard Dimsdale.
BOB: (Angelic humming:) Aaaaaaaaah. (Describing Dimsdale:)
There he was. So righteous. So unbelievably righteous. With
eyes like an angel and the firm, toned physique of a
woodsman. He even smelled good.
HESTER: I will show no desire.
DIMSDALE: Whoops. Dropped my shoe.
(He bends down to pick it up.)
HESTER: Please watch over me God.
DIMSDALE: By the way, I noticed you were living in that
cabin all by yourself. If you ever need any help building a fire,
let me know...
HESTER: A fire?
© Don Zolidis
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10
Don Zolidis
DIMSDALE:
(Seductive:)
at...starting...fires.
Yes
I'm...very
good
HESTER: (Seductive:) Are you?
DIMSDALE : (Even more seductive:) All kinds of...fires.
HESTER : (Also even more seductive:) That must come in handy.
DIMSDALE: (Impossibly seductive:) I'm very...handy.
HESTER: (In heat:) Would you like something to drink?
DIMSDALE: (In even more heat:) Oh yes I'd like something...to
drink.
HESTER: (Growls.)
DIMSDALE: (Growls louder.)
HESTER: (Growls again.)
DIMSDALE: (Howls like a wolf.)
(Simultaneously they both begin a dance number.)
DANI: This book doesn't seem so bad. It's kind of like 50
Shades of Grey.
BOB: Not so much. Anyway, so nine months later—
(BABY is thrown in.)
HESTER: Hey look what the evil stork dropped on me!
How'd this happen?!
BOB: Fast forward—
(They run around and fast forward.)
For about six years. Until...
(Bob gets on his knees and becomes PEARL.)
PEARL: 'Ello. I'm Pearl. And I'm a symbol of your sinfulness.
© Don Zolidis
This is a perusal copy only.
Absolutely no printing, copying or performance permitted.
Everything you need to know about The Scarlet Letter in 10 minutes or less
11
HESTER: Go to bed honey.
PEARL: I will. But also remember that I was conceived in sin
and you are doomed to hell.
HESTER: Thanks. I almost forgot about that seeing as how I
am publicly shamed every day for the entire freaking novel.
BOB: Ooh!
By the way—fun digression!
Nathaniel
Hawthorne modeled the character of Hester Prynne after his
wife, Elizabeth.
(Hester switches into ELIZABETH.
Bob switches to
HAWTHORNE and begins writing furiously.)
ELIZABETH: Dear husband, what are you working on?
HAWTHORNE: Just a book.
ELIZABETH: What's it about?
HAWTHORNE: It's about a woman who commits adultery
and is forced to stand on a platform while children spit at her
for ever and ever. I'm basing her character on you.
(Short pause.)
ELIZABETH: Is there something you'd like to talk about?
HAWTHORNE: Nope. I'm getting all my rage out right here.
(They switch back.)
BOB: Back to our epic tale!
(Dani becomes Chillingworth.)
CHILLINGWORTH: Well now… I have arrived! Moo ah ha
ha ha!
(Bob becomes Pearl.)
And who might you be?
PEARL: My name is Pearl. I was conceived in sin.
© Don Zolidis
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Absolutely no printing, copying or performance permitted.
12
Don Zolidis
CHILLINGWORTH: (As The Simpsons' Mr. Burns:) Excellent.
BOB: Meanwhile—Hester was still standing on the platform
every day.
HESTER: All right patriarchy.
some more.
Go ahead and oppress me
BOB: (As the crowd:) "We still don't like you!"
"No one here has ever done anything wrong!"
"I'd like to cast the first stone!"
"This is totally what Jesus had in mind!"
(Chillingworth watches.)
CHILLINGWORTH: Well now...isn't this an interesting turn
of events. I wonder who the father could be?
CROWD: Who's the Baby Daddy! Tell us the Baby Daddy!
Ba-By Daddy! Ba-By Daddy!
(He turns back into Bob.)
BOB: Dimsdale didn't say anything.
faced.
He was crazy stone-
DIMSDALE: Aaaaaah!
BOB: But at night he felt very bad and flogged himself.
(Pause.)
DANI: He did what?
BOB: He flogged himself. Self-flogging.
DANI: Does that make you feel better?
BOB: Well. While you're flogging it does. Afterwards not so
much.
(Dimsdale starts flogging himself.)
DIMSDALE: Ow. I suck. Ow. I suck. Ow. I suck.
© Don Zolidis
This is a perusal copy only.
Absolutely no printing, copying or performance permitted.
Everything you need to know about The Scarlet Letter in 10 minutes or less
13
CHILLINGWORTH: I say dear man. I wonder if you needed
a roommate?
DIMSDALE: Yeah sure why not?
BOB: This is where the irony comes in!
Anyway,
Chillingworth figures out that Dimsdale is the Baby Daddy
and begins a campaign of mental torture! Because that's what
anyone would do.
(Dimsdale and Chillingworth work side by side.)
CHILLINGWORTH: Mmmmmmmm... (As soon as Dimsdale
looks the other way:) Adultery!
DIMSDALE: Did you say something?
CHILLINGWORTH: Nope. Mmmmmm...
(Dimsdale looks away.)
Sinner.
DIMSDALE: What?
CHILLINGWORTH: I didn't say anything. Maybe it was the
voice of God you heard.
DIMSDALE: Huh.
CHILLINGWORTH: Mmmmmm...
(Dimsdale looks away again.)
Adultery adultery sinner babies going to hell tortured forever.
DIMSDALE: Ah! I'm going mad!
(He runs out.)
CHILLINGWORTH: Excellent.
BOB: So Dimsdale ran into the woods—
DANI: Symbolism!
© Don Zolidis
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14
Don Zolidis
(Dimsdale runs through the woods in a very effeminate,
confused manner.)
DIMSDALE: Ow. Ooch. Ouchy. Oh no. Ow.
(Hester runs in.)
HESTER: What are you doing here?
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