Clear Your Path To Resolving Conflicts,
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Clear Your Path To Resolving Conflicts, #1 Copyright © 2017
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Contents
1.
If You've Ever Had A Workplace Conflict
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2.
A Metaphor: Barriers in a Roadway
3
3.
People Put Barriers in Their Own Way of
Resolving Disputes
5
4.
Personal Barrier to Resolution: Letting Past
Conflicts Get in the Way
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5.
Let Go of the Past and Get a Good Future
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Get the Other Books in this Series
15
About the Author
16
Let Me Help You Remove Your Personal
Barriers to Resolution
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1
If You've Ever Had A
Workplace Conflict
Have you ever been in a conflict with someone you work
with? Had a dispute with a manager or supervisor, or had
problems getting along with someone on your team?
Probably your answer is yes. Or maybe it’s “well, duh,
everybody has problems getting along with someone at some
point in their lives.”
In my work as a mediator, I’ve helped lots of people resolve
conflicts and disputes. Over the years, I’ve noticed that there
are patterns people get into when they’re trying to resolve
disputes. Some of these patterns help them, some of them
don’t.
Sometimes, people put barriers in their own way of
resolving conflicts and disputes. I call these personal barriers to
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resolution. I’m going to tell you about one of these, how you
can tell if you’re putting it in your way, and what you can do
to remove it so you can resolve the dispute.
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A Metaphor: Barriers in a
Roadway
Imagine that you’re driving along a road. Maybe you’re
going someplace, or maybe you’re just exploring. It’s a good
day for a drive, and you’re enjoying yourself.
Then suddenly you come around a curve, and you see
some barriers in the middle of the road. They say things like:
Road Closed Ahead
Bridge Washed Out
Detour – Construction
You can see past the barriers, and you can see that the road
keeps going. Maybe you can even see your destination. You
want to keep going, but the barriers are in your way. They’re
making it impossible for you to figure out if there’s an
alternate route, or whether the bridge really is washed out, or
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whether the construction is actually finished and the workers
just forgot to remove the barriers.
Now imagine that you put those barriers in the road
yourself. Unconsciously, you’re keeping yourself from
getting where you want to go. You’re keeping yourself from
even exploring possibilities for how you can get where you
want to go.
This seems like a strange thing to do, right? Why would
anybody put barriers in the way of getting where they want
to go?
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People Put Barriers in Their
Own Way of Resolving
Disputes
In my mediation practice, I see clients put barriers in their
own way all the time. They aren’t aware that they’re doing it,
and they’re not doing it deliberately. But they unconsciously
put barriers in their own way of resolving the dispute they’re
in.
Since they aren’t aware they’re putting barriers in their
way, they think the other person is doing it. Then, when
they can’t resolve the dispute, they blame the other person.
The dispute doesn’t get resolved, and whatever problems
the dispute is causing for them, they keep right on being a
problem.
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IF YOU DON’T REMOVE YOUR PERSONAL BARRIERS
TO RESOLUTION…
If you don’t remove your personal barriers to resolution,
you’re going to have a hard time resolving the dispute you’re
in. Maybe you won’t even be able to resolve it at all. Here are
some of the things that can happen if you don’t remove your
barriers.
… YOU’LL SABOTAGE THE RESOLUTION PROCESS
If you don’t remove your personal barriers to resolution,
you’ll sabotage the resolution process. Whether you’re using
a formal resolution process like mediation, or an informal
process like just talking directly with the other person, if
you don’t remove these barriers, you’ll think that there’s no
way to resolve the dispute. So you won’t listen to the other
person’s suggestions for resolving the dispute. You won’t
have any suggestions yourself, or if you do, they’ll end up
being halfhearted and the other person won’t like them or
accept them.
… YOU WON’T ACT IN YOUR OWN BEST INTERESTS
If you don’t remove your personal barriers, you won’t act in
your own best interests. Since your best interests are probably
to quickly fix the problem, resolve the dispute, and get on
with your work and/or life, if you don’t resolve the dispute,
you won’t get what you need. Unresolved conflict with a
coworker can make work awkward and uncomfortable.
Unresolved conflict with a manager or supervisor can make
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work awful, maybe even make it so you don’t get a raise or
promotion.
… YOU WON’T GET A GOOD PLAN FOR THE FUTURE
If you don’t remove personal barriers, you won’t get a good
plan for the future. As a colleague of mine says, it’s no use
wishing for a better past, so until someone invents a time
machine without any paradoxes, the only thing you can do
is create a good plan for the future. That’s what a mediated
agreement is: a good plan for what will happen in the future
to resolve the dispute, make people whole (if there were some
damages of some kind), and mend relationships.
… YOU MAY END IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIPS
If you don’t remove personal barriers, and you don’t resolve
the dispute, you may end important relationships. I’ve
worked with people who’ve been friends, colleagues, or both,
for years. But if the dispute isn’t resolved, one or both of them
won’t want to continue the relationship.
If it’s a business relationship, you might lose business, lose
a good client, or lose an important a source of contacts and
referrals. If it’s an interpersonal relationship at work, you
might lose a colleague you value, or lose an important
mentor, or have to transfer away from a team you like.
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4
Personal Barrier to
Resolution: Letting Past
Conflicts Get in the Way
One common barrier to resolution I see as a mediator is when
people let past conflicts get in the way of resolving current
conflicts. Here’s an example.
I mediated a case between the founder/director of a
nonprofit – I’ll call him Albert – and a former board member
– I’ll call him Harrison. The case seemed simple: Albert and
Harrison had each acted as guarantor for a relative in a
business arrangement between those two relatives. When
the business arrangement fell through, Albert and Harrison
couldn’t agree on who was responsible or who owed money
to who.
The amount of money involved was relatively small, but
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they couldn’t come to an agreement. Both of them seemed
really angry at each other, like the conflict was bigger than
it appeared to be. Both of them said they wanted to mediate.
But both of them were sabotaging the process. Each of them
was accusing the other person of ruining the business
arrangement, and neither of them was making any offers that
the other person would accept.
Using some skilled probing in private conversations with
each of them, I found out that there was a big conflict behind
the current one. It involved the former board member’s
attempt to create a managing director position, the founder/
director objecting to giving up managing director duties, a
nasty lawsuit, and the board member resigning.
That was why Albert and Harrison couldn’t resolve the
case I was helping them with. That past conflict was a barrier
in their way of resolving the conflict they were in now.
WHAT YOU’LL NOTICE IN YOURSELF
As a mediator, I’ve noticed three things in people when
they’re letting a past conflict get in the way of resolving a
current one. Most of the time, people aren’t aware they’re
putting barriers in their way. I’m a big believer in identifying
concrete, specific things you can actually notice. So here are
three things to look for that might mean you’re letting a past
conflict be a barrier.
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FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS
Feeling angry, tense, and/or intimidated; constantly thinking
about the past conflict.
WANTING TO RIGHT THE WRONGS OF THE PAST
Wanting the resolution to this conflict to resolve the previous
conflict the way you think it should’ve been resolved.
SEEING THE OTHER PERSON AS COMPLETELY IN
THE WRONG
Blaming the other person completely for the current conflict.
Most of the time, a conflict isn’t just one person’s fault. That
doesn’t mean that people are evil or trying to cheat the other
person or anything like that. Most of the conflict I see comes
from two people doing the best they can with the
information and beliefs they have.
HOW TO REMOVE THIS BARRIER
ACKNOWLEDGE HOW THE PAST CONFLICT MAKES
THE PRESENT CONFLICT DIFFICULT.
Acknowledge to yourself, even if you don’t acknowledge it
to the other person, that the previous conflict you had with
that person is making it hard for you to resolve the current
one. Just telling yourself something like, “Yes, this is hard,
after what they did the last time. I’m still angry about that,
and I’m having a hard time not letting my anger about the
past keep me from dealing with the present.”
I did this for Albert and Harrison, the founder/director
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and the former board member. When I brought them back
into joint mediation session, I started by acknowledging how
difficult it was for them to even be in the same room together.
I commended them for being there and working to resolve
the current dispute.
As soon as I said that, they both relaxed. They put aside the
barrier that that past conflict was making for them, and they
finally started making progress in the mediation.
SEE THE DISPUTE AS LESS PERSONAL .
Find a way to see the dispute as less personal. For example,
think about what you’d do if it wasn’t you in the dispute,
but it was your brother or sister. Or imagine that your best
friend was in the dispute, and asked you what you should do.
Whatever you recommend to someone else you care about,
is probably a good solution for you.
Imagining that someone else is in the dispute helps you
because you can separate some of your anger and frustration
(and anything else you’re feeling) and get a different
perspective on the dispute.
I’ve done this for myself. Recently, I was having problems
with a website designer I’d hired. I asked myself, “If it was my
sister who was in this dispute with my website designer, and
she asked me for advice, what would I say?” When I put it like
that, the answer was easy: “Stop working with that website
designer!” So that’s what I did.
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CREATE A GOOD PLAN FOR THE FUTURE.
A third way to keep a past conflict from making a current
one hard to resolve, is to create a good plan for the future that
will resolve the current dispute. Sometimes, people worry
more about the current dispute because of an unresolved past
dispute, so they project that worry onto the future. Creating
a good plan for the future removes that worry.
With Albert and Harrison, their good plan for the future
was to agree that neither of them owed each other anything,
drop their court cases, and go their separate ways. Privately,
Albert told me it was worth it to him to give up the money
Harrison owed him if that meant he wouldn’t have to talk
to Harrison again. Harrison must’ve felt the same, because as
soon as Albert suggested that they cut their losses, Harrison
agreed.
By the end of the mediation, the two men were talking to
each other more cordially than they probably had in a long
time. I wished, and I still wish, that they would have been
willing to mediate the big conflict that was in their past. It
weighed heavily on both of them. But at least they’d resolved
their current dispute. As soon as I commended them for even
being in the room together, it took them only about two
minutes to come to an agreement.
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5
Let Go of the Past and Get a
Good Future
Next time you’re in a conflict or dispute with someone – and
I’m not saying I hope it happens, but just in case – check
to make sure there isn’t some past conflict or dispute that’s
unconsciously making it hard for you to resolve the current
problem.
Look for the signs that you might be letting the past be
a barrier to the present: feeling angry, tense, and/or
intimidated; constantly thinking about the past conflict;
wanting to right the wrongs of the past; seeing the other
person as completely in the wrong.
Set aside this barrier by acknowledging to yourself how
the past conflict makes the present conflict difficult; seeing
the dispute as less personal; and creating a good plan for the
future.
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Remove the barrier that’s the past, so you can keep those
important relationships with managers, team members,
clients, mentors. Resolve the dispute you’re in and get a better
future for yourself.
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Get the Other Books in this
Series
This book is the first book in a three-part series on how to
Clear Your Path to Resolving Conflicts. The other two are
Clear Your Path To Resolving Conflicts, #2: Don’t Try to
Control the Other Person
Clear Your Path To Resolving Conflicts, #3: Don’t Get Stuck in
Your Perspective
To get these books, go to http://humaninterop.com/clearyour-path-ebook/.
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About the Author
Louise Penberthy is a mediator and Scrum Master based in
Seattle, Washington, specializing in work with tech,
software, and engineering companies, working both on site
and on line. She also writes about diversity, inclusion, and
enjoying cross-cultural experiences. She can be reached at
(206) 930-1113 or via www.humaninterop.com.
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Let Me Help You Remove
Your Personal Barriers to
Resolution
Are you in a conflict that you just can’t resolve, and it’s
because a past conflict is creating barriers?
Call me today, and get a free 30-minute consultation on
how to clear your path to resolve conflicts.
Louise Penberthy
[email protected]
(206) 930-1113
www.humaninterop.com
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