voices OT youtn
Growing Past Childhood Trauma
Wain K. Brown
The author chronicles the life span development of a youth who experienced extreme
conflict in family, school and community—and the forces that led to healing and resilience.
Maturation in the Slow Lane
Nearly half a century ago, a star-crossed adolescent
found himself at an important crossroads. Just five
months shy of his eighteenth birthday and newly
released from an i8-month court commitment to
the Pennsylvania George Junior Republic School for
Boys (Brown, 1983), a congregate facility for courtadjudicated delinquents and foster youth, he was a
prime candidate for the adult correctional system.
It was a fate for which he seemed destined based
upon his many family and school failings and his
history of emotional and behavioral problems.
had him placed at the Tressler Lutheran Home, a
church-run institution for orphaned, neglected,
and dependent children. Rather than helping to
resolve his emotional and behavioral problems,
this botched placement merely served to validate
The problems had started early for the boy as had
the psychological interventions to help him understand and cope with his parents' dysfunctional
marriage and their emotionally devastating divorce, an event for which he blamed himself. His
mother's obsessive-compulsive disorder—she
washed everything, including him, in a mixture of
Lysol and ammonia which she called "crazy clean
solution"—weighed heavy on him in those early
years. He attempted suicide by downing a bottle of
sleeping pills and later that year cut his wrist with a
broken Coke bottle in elementary school.
He fared no better in junior high school. Seventh
grade brought increasing behavioral problems
and poor academic performance. His school attendance, sporadic at best, fell as he faked illnesses
that sometimes lasted from Monday to Friday. He
missed 37 days of school that year. Fs dominated
his report card. He began running with a clique
of boys whose home life and behavior mirrored
his own. He violated curfew and committed petty
crimes such as shoplifting, fighting, and destruction of property. His confused and immature cries
for help had finally made the transition from selfdestructive behaviors to transgressions against other persons and things.
That summer, in an attempt to save the boy, his
mother contacted Lutheran Social Services and
winter 2011 volume 19, number 4 | 13
the boy's belief that he was worthless and unloved.
First there was his father's abandonment and now
his mother willingly committed him to the care
of strangers (Brown & Seita, 2009). Consumed by
self-pity, the emotionally devastated 13-year-old
cried incessantly and uncontrollably, hiding himself and his tears from staff and cottage-mates. His
only wish was to vanish from a world that held no
place for him rather than suffer further emotional
pain that he could neither comprehend nor resolve.
In short order, the administration, unable and now
unwilling to help the boy adjust, released him back
to the care of his mother, stating that he was "antisocial" and "not taking advantage of the program."
Eighth grade began in special education. His inconsistent attendance and poor academic record
in seventh grade paved the way for a self-contained
classroom of underachievers. Some could barely
write their name, while others had failed a grade
or two or exhibited a history of aberrant behavior.
He fit right in. These were his people: the rejects,
the troublemakers, the square pegs. Schoolwork
became a breeze and attendance a pleasure. But his
exemplary grades belied his need for "special education." He could write his name. Indeed, he had the
ability to form complete sentences and decipher basic math problems. Although his behaviors were far
from exemplary, they had not yet reached the point
where they offended his teacher or the administration. That is why halfway through the year, he was
assigned to a general academic section. His grades
dropped off a cliff. He passed the year, barely.
Consumed by self-pity,
the emotionally devastated
13-year-old cried incessantly
and uncontrollably, hiding
himself and his tears from
staff and cottage-mates.
Ninth grade proved a nightmare. Although he had
somehow passed seventh and eighth grade by the
proverbial "skin of his teeth," the school administration decided to place him in an accelerated college preparatory course. Unfortunately, Latin and
algebra proved well beyond his capacity for concentration and self-discipline. His confused and
unsophisticated mind ruminated incessantly on
the causes of his parents' divorce, father's rejection,
mother's odd and unpredictable behaviors, and
a host of personal problems that included acute
acne vulgaris and peer rejection. He failed Latin,
then algebra, and finally the ninth grade, further
confirming his sense of "worthlessness." He added
"failure" to his steadily declining self-esteem.
A week into summer vacation, the 15-year-old boy
became completely undone. He had begun taking
a new acne medication that did little to curb the
growth of pimples and pustules that devastated his
face, neck, back, and chest, and instead left him
feeling faint, woozy, and weak. When his mother
repeatedly chided him about "wasting time on the
couch," he slammed out the front door, shouting
back at her that he hoped a car would hit him so
that he could die. He ran into the woods where he
hid until late that night, then snuck home and fell
asleep on the back porch. His mother called the police. Three officers came and drove him to a nearby
hospital for a check-up.
The next morning, upon awakening in a hospital
bed, he asked every doctor and nurse he saw when
he might be released and returned home. Each request was met with a pat answer, "We'll see." Something snapped. He grabbed a plastic water pitcher
from the nightstand and flung it at a nurse. Her
screams summoned men in white who rushed into
the room, held the boy down, and jabbed a needle
into his arm. The lights went out.
When next he awoke, the boy found himself in a
padded cell, lying on a chipped, off-white metal
cot, squinting at a naked light bulb hanging from a
frayed brown cord above his head. The lights went
out again. He went in and out of consciousness
several times before he gradually mustered some
of his senses. Where was he? How had he gotten
here? What was happening to him? When would
he go home?
The hours crept by grudgingly as he got to know the
small cell with its heavily screened windows, padded walls, and beaten up furniture. Voices came and
went outside the cell without acknowledging his
existence. An attendant unlocked the thick metal
door that housed a screened window at eye-level,
placed a tray of hospital food atop the nightstand
and retreated. The thud of the lock emphasized the
confused boy's predicament. "Hey, when am I going home?" he called out. No answer. The sound
of rubber soled shoes squeaked down the hall and
away. "Hey! Somebody! Anybody! Where the hell
am I?" he screamed. "Let me the hell outta here!"
A beehive of activity commenced outside the cell.
Faces took turns staring through the screened win-
14 I reclaiming children and youth www.reclaimingjournal.com
dow at him. "Let me outta here!" the boy demanddetention center. Somehow he passed the year, aled. The thick metal door screeched on its hinges,
though his classroom behavior problems resulted in
putting him on alert. His still groggy and disorinumerous hours of after-school detention.
ented brain ran amok. "Get outta here! No more
needles! No more needles!" He rushed the halfHe began the tenth grade in the industrial track at
open door, slamming the intruders back. The door
an inner-city high school, but he had had enough
screeched open again. This time the boy flung the
by then. The day he celebrated his sixteenth birthbed pan at it, then the water pitcher, nightstand,
day that October, he quit attending classes despite
mattress, and bed frame.
his mother's wishes and
No longer in control of
the dictates of the juvehis faculties, he ripped
court. Two weeks
He experienced a maturational nile
off his bed gown, clawin the county detention
ing at his pimply face,
"growth spurt" that helped
center followed, after
neck, chest, and back
which sheriff's deputies
him to discover dormant
until his fingernails ran
drove him to the "Rered. He heard wailing
public" where this story
strengths and abilities which
inside his mind, as if
began.
someone or something
would improve his odds for
possessed him.
"No
recovery.
more! No more! I can't
The Turnaround
take it anymore! Just let
The 18 months he spent
medie! PLEASE!!!"
at the Republic initiated the boy's turnaround, literally just in "the nick of time." Had he remained
The boy fought off all intruders for 48 hours before
on his prior course, he probably would have quit
submitting to total exhaustion. The next day sherschool and grown into a habitual law-breaker, meniff's deputies drove him to the state hospital where
tal patient, or worse. The previous interventions
the juvenile court had committed him for a psychionly served to feed the boy's anxieties, retard his
atric evaluation.
psychological and emotional growth, and fuel his
antisocial behaviors. The Tressler Lutheran Home
For 77 mind-boggling days and terror-filled nights,
quit on him before he could adjust f o their program,
the frightened boy fought to retain his sanity in a
and the state hospital merely heightened his angst
crazy environment where the unpredictable and
and labeled his aberrant adjustments to events he
sometimes violent behaviors of mentally ill adults
was not intellectually or emotionally prepared to
caused him to literally keep a wall to his back and
understand, much less resolve. But the Republic
sleep with one eye open. He now understood the
provided the requisite environment and amount
meaning of "Hell on Earth" but had not a clue how
of time for him to commence the transition from
long he would be forced to exist in this purgatory
traumatized adolescent to competent young adult.
for the living dead.
Freed from the confines of the debilitating home
milieu and failed placements that had inhibited his
The psychiatrists used terms such as "schizoid,"
emotional development, he experienced a matura"schizophrenic," "neurotic," and "autistic" to lational "growth spurt" that helped him to discover
bel the emotionally distraught boy, stating that he
dormant strengths and abilities which would imwould probably become a "full-blown schizophrenprove his odds for recovery.
ic." Deeming his prognosis "guarded," they recommended that he remain at the hospital. Despite the
• An academic underachiever who squeaked
recommendation, the juvenile court released the
through seventhgrade, spent half of eighth grade
boy to the custody of his mother and the superviin special education, and failed ninth grade, he
sion of the court. Otherwise, he might have been
excelled at the Republic's campus school, earnlost forever.
ing the "Outstanding Student" award in the
tenth and the eleventh grade.
The unlovable, worthless, pimply failure now added
"crazy" to his negative sense of self as he began his
• When his teachers noted his writing ability, he
second year in the ninth grade. "Adjudicated delinwas asked to join the staff of the campus newspaquent" soon followed when he beat up another stuper, the Republic Citizen, as the Sports Editor.
dent in the school lobby, an incident that resulted in
expulsion from school and placement in the county
• Not one for regular participation in organized
winter 2011 volume 19, number 4 | 15
sports, other than a summer of Little League
baseball and a winter of forced participation on
the YMCA swim team, 65 cottage-mates elected him captain of the inter-cottage basketball,
Softball, and swimming teams, his cottage winning the championship in each sport.
•
A life-long follower and reluctant participant
in social activities, the administration selected him cottage representative to the student
council. The house parents chose him "floor
walker," the most coveted, responsible, and
powerful position in the cottage.
•
Lacking self-discipline, the Republic's strict,
punitive, and swiftly-enforced code of conduct
(including paddling) taught him to follow the
rules and obey the commands of adults or suffer the consequences.
Prior to their release from the Republic, boys signed
a pledge that they would follow certain rules of conduct, such as abstaining from the use of alcohol.
not frequenting places of ill-repute, and avoiding
negative peer influences. The boy quickly signed
the pledge and did not give it a second thought. He
would have signed away his soul to be free again.
But unbeknownst to him, the Republic experience
proved the perfect placement prescription, coming
as it did at the right point in time and for the right
length of time (Jenkins & Brown, 1988). He had
reached a level of emotional maturity nearer to his
chronological age of 17. He was starting to realize
that further missteps on his part could sink him for
good. He wanted more out of life.
A little luck never hurts. His came in the form of
others. When he returned home, he chose not to
gravitate back to his old clique of troublemakers. Instead, he rekindled his relationship with the three
next-door neighbor boys who ranged in age from
two years older to four years younger than him.
They had grown up, played, and gone to church
and school together from kindergarten on, but the
boy had abandoned them in favor of the troublemakers, as their behaviors more aptly fit his own
at the time. Luckily for him, the middle boy, Jim,
who was entering his junior year in the same high
school where the boy was starting his senior year,
introduced him to his friends, thereby opening the
door to a new social network populated by good
students, athletes, and class leaders. His metamorphosis continued as he copied their dress and behaviors in an attempt to fit in. Although they were
two years his junior, the boy's level of maturation
approximated theirs. As good fortune would have
it, Jim and his friends accepted him into the fold.
The boy was still not out of the woods, however.
He had many rough edges to smooth out. His tendency to misbehave, fight, and not concentrate on
schoolwork might yet make for his undoing. He
turned 18 six weeks into his senior year. Bad grades
could jeopardize graduation and continued immature behaviors might get him expelled again, or
even worse, sent to jail or prison. The acquisition
of a more prosocial peer group provided a pivotal
first step in his reclamation, but failure to graduate
threatened to undermine the delicate process of accomplishing a turnaround.
Despite many hours of after-school detention for
numerous minor indiscretions, and perhaps because the school and his teachers gave him "the
benefit of the doubt," he graduated 178th in a class
of 182 students. His chronological age and educational status now deemed him an adult, yet his
emotional and psychological maturity remained
behind his age-mates.
16 I reclaiming children and youth www.reclaimingjournal.com
For the next few years, he quit or was fired from
Today, however, after decades of studying my own
one manual labor job after another. The young
turnaround and the adult outcomes of youth in
man had no direction. He drank alcohol and iniplacement (Rhodes & Brown, 1991), I would oftiated fights. He even tried junior college for a
fer the following response. Intense or protracted
while. Why not? Some of his high school buddies
trauma often delays the process of maturation, and
told him about the pretty girls and the beer parties.
children whose circumstances require intervenBut he only managed a 1.6 cumulative average for
tion will likely continue to exhibit emotional or
the year. Junior college required more focus than
psychological or behavioral problems until mitihe was yet ready to musgated by the appropriter, so he quit halfway
ate person, program, or
through the next semesHe wanted more out of life.
placemem-or the sheer
ter and tried his hand at
passage
of time (Brown,
selling sewing machines
1981).
The
longer it takes
and vacuum cleaners at Sears.
a young person to grow past her or his trauma, the
more delayed the maturation process, perhaps proThe next year, he moved from Pennsylvania to Calviding one reason why a 31-year-old might look or
ifornia, thousands of miles away from his past, and
act 26. Is it coincidence that the most devastating
his mother who had remarried. It was then, at age
years of my life were between 11, when my parents
23, that the young man experienced another matudivorced, and 16, when I entered the Republic? Had
rational growth spurt. He sold sewing machines
I remained at the Tressler Lutheran Home and not
and vacuum cleaners at Sears in Hollywood and
experienced the state hospital, I am sure I would
attended night classes at Los Angeles City College,
have developed fewer academic, emotional, and
excelling at both. He replaced the pain of his past
behavioral problems and matured mucb earlier.
with the promise of a better future. He even set a
My life and my studies led me to but one conclulong-term goal: to return to college and earn a docsion: We as helping adults must make certain that
torate. His brain was no longer burdened by family
a child's first placement, if one is indeed necessary,
and personal problems. He wanted to learn, grow,
is the best and only placement.
and succeed. And he did!
Discussion
In the 48 years since the boy left the Republic, he
managed to stay out of trouble with the law and
avoid becoming a "full blown schizophrenic." This
is not to imply that he has been a perfect citizen
who made no mistakes and never again experienced
problems, but his life did improve immensely once
he matured beyond the childhood trauma that had
for so much of his young life affected his psychological, emotional, and behavioral growth. I know
all of this as factual, as I am both the author and the
subject of this article.
Half a lifetime ago, upon completing my Ph.D.
at the University of Pennsylvania, a colleague
at the Office of Youth Services and Corrections
Education, a joint project with the Pennsylvania
Departments of Welfare and Education, asked me
a revealing question. "How old are you?" he inquired. "Thirty-one," I replied. "Why is it you
guys always seem five years younger?" he continued, implying that I, like other kids who grew
up in placement, looked or acted years younger
than our chronological age. I had no answer at
the time.
Wain K. Brown, PhD, is CEO ofthe William Gladden Foundation, Tallahassee, Florida. Wain may be
contacted via email: [email protected]
References
Brown, W. K. (1981). Maturation as a factor in delinquency
devolution. Behavioral Disorders, 6, 206-209.
Brown, W. K. (1983). The other side ofdelinquency. New Brunswick, NJ: Rutgers University Press.
Brown, W. K., & Seita, J. R. (2009). Growing up in the care of
strangers: The experiences, insights and recommendations
of eleven former foster kids. Tallahassee, FL: William
Gladden Foundation Press.
Jenkins, R. L., & Brown, W. K. (1988). The abandonment ofdelinquent behavior: Promoting the turnaround. New York,
NY: Praeger.
Rhodes, W. A., & Brown, W. K. (1991). Why some children succeed despite the odds. New York, NY: Praeger.
winter 2011 v o l u m e 19, n u m b e r 4 | 17
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