Level 1c
Context:
CT is a Year 1 child. After reading ‘Can’t You Sleep Little Bear?’ and using the Pie
Corbett actions and oral storytelling technique, she wrote her version independently.
Onc upon atim ther was two ber hoo livd in ther dep darc
Forst dad Ber tuc litl Ber two Bedr caty you slep litl Ber
NO cosf amged oF dac onarads nex dad Ber wet to v lat
cuBd and giv it to litl Ber But lit Ber bil
Comment [f1]: IC Attempts writing for a
variety of purposes, using features of
different forms.
Comment [f2]: 1C Some of the writing
may need to be mediated to be
understood.
Comment [f3]: 1C Attempts some cvc
words correctly, writes own name and
other familiar words from memory.
Comment [f4]: 1C Puts spaces between
words.
Comment [f5]: 1C Produces
recognisable letters and words to convey
meaning.
Comment [f6]: 1C Some commonly
used letters are correctly shaped, but may
be inconsistent in their size or orientation.
Comment [f7]: 1C Is aware of full stops.
What this work does well – what makes it a secure 1c:







Produces recognisable letters and words to convey meaning.
Puts spaces between words.
Is aware of full stops.
Attempts writing for a variety of purposes, using features of different forms.
Some of the writing may need to be mediated to be understood.
Attempts some cvc words correctly, writes own name and other familiar words
from memory.
Some commonly used letters are correctly shaped, but may be inconsistent in
their size and orientation.
1b features:

Structures some phrases and single statements using recognisable words to
communicate meaning.
How this work can get to the next sub-level:

Sometimes uses capital letters and full stops.
Teaching points:
 Continue to teach the use of full stops and capital letters.
Level 1b
Context:
This is the work of a Year 1 child. After being on a school visit to Tropical World he
wrote this independently. Teacher input of recount features and a recap of what
happened on the visit prior to this writing.
On Wensday 13th Joon. Class 3 went to Tropicer Werd in lees.
On the coach we had lunsh deefor we went in Tropicer Werd
then mrs keriy said 10mins lert. then we we all went into Tropikl
Werd the Temprch was nili a 100 wen we saw sum coocos
sudnli a dutfliy fliyd all a rend the toro aft that we and mrs sunts
groop we saw sum cyoot lit terapins mrs sutnu Love the mey
cats best. I hav los of amaisin fun.
Comment [M8]: 1B Begins to show an
understanding of how full stops are used.
Comment [M9]: 1B Sometimes uses
capital letters
Comment [M10]: 1B Attempts most
cvc words correctly
Comment [f11]: 1A Beginning to
connect two ideas with connectives and /
but / so.
Comment [f12]: 1A Makes some choice
of appropriate vocabulary.
Comment [M13]: 1B Uses phonic
knowledge to write simple regular words
and makes phonetically plausible attempts
at common words.
Comment [f14]: 1A Some words are
spelt conventionally.
Comment [M15]: 1B Uses phonic
knowledge to write simple regular words
and makes phonetically plausible attempts
at common words.
Comment [M16]: 1B Attempts most
cvc words correctly.
Comment [f17]: 1A Uses phrases and
simple statements to convey ideas.
What this work does well – what makes it a secure 1b:






Writes for a range of purposes (recount).
Structures some phrases and single statements using recognisable words to
communicate meaning.
May still use characteristics of spoken language rather than written.
Writing can generally be understood without mediation.
Most letters are clearly shaped and correctly orientated.
Hold a pencil and uses it effectively to form recognisable letters.
1a features:




Uses phrases and simple statements to convey ideas.
Beginning to connect two ideas with connectives and / but / so.
Makes some choice of appropriate vocabulary.
Some words are spelt conventionally.
How this work can get to the next sub-level:
1b and 1a: To have most letters clearly shaped and correctly orientated. (This child
has been selected to take part in the programme ‘Fit to Learn’ to support his fine and
gross motor skills).
1a: Writes in sentence structures even if capital letters and full stops are absent.
Teaching points:
Reiterate the importance of applying ‘Letters and Sounds’ phonics knowledge to his
writing.
Continue to teach the use of full stops and capital letters.
Level 1a
Context:
Using Pie Corbett, the children became familiar with the story of ‘Where the Wild
Things Are’ by Maurice Sendak. This student retold the story of ‘Where the Wild
Things Are’.
One day max went down stairs because
he wontered sum food but mum said get
back up stairs without eneethinck and
That night a forist started to groa and max
went on a boat it tuc him a year To Get
there. he metered sum wild thinx The wild
thinx said Im goaing To eat you up but Im
your kin OA kum in yoo smel weird and
ugly and scary horrible old chubby wild
Thinx. but you ar the best but I hafter go
home it tuc him nuver year Then he got
home and gon downsters To get his
brefst.
Comment [H18]: Adapts story
language. Language used indicates time.
AF3/AF7
Comment [H19]: Connective used to
extend ideas. AF3
Comment [H20]: Connective used. AF3
Comment [H21]: Ideas linked
chronologically . AF3
Comment [H22]: Writing can be
understood without mediation (1a)
Comment [H23]: Mix of upper case
letters.
Comment [H24]: Spoken language.
AF1/AF7
Comment [H25]: Shows an awareness
of full stops but not correctly used. AF6
Comment [H26]: Doesn’t use a capital
letter following a full stop. AF6
Comment [H27]: Ideas not sustained.
AF3
Comment [H28]: Ideas linked
chronologically. AF3
Comment [H29]: Shows an awareness
of how full stops are used. AF1
Comment [H30]: Writes stories with a
basc beginning, middle and end (1a)
What this work does well – what makes it a secure level 1a:






The student writes quickly and uses his phonics confidently to spell unknown
words.
His sentences are mostly grammatically correct and he is selecting
appropriate vocabulary. He has adapted language from the story and his
writing communicates meaning beyond a simple statement.
He is beginning to show some characteristics of the chosen form although this
is not sustained.
He uses different connectives to extend his ideas.
He is beginning to develop his ideas and he has made some adventurous
word choices although not used accurately.
He shows some awareness of how full stops are used but in some instances,
he hasn’t used full stops correctly.
How this work can get to the next level:



The student’s writing shows strong elements of a 2c writer but for him to
progress further he needs to develop his understanding of how to punctuate
sentences accurately.
Use full stops and capital letters to punctuate a single sentence.
Need to compose sentences and use some punctuation for meaning.
Teaching Points:




Focus on work that begins to look at demarcation of sentences.
Continue with daily inputs on VCOP with a strong focus on punctuation–
teacher demonstration/modelling – full stops, capital letters,’ ?’ and ‘!’. (Use
activities that involve the student punctuating one text).
Encourage the child to say their sentence out loud before writing and to reread their sentence, checking for full stops and capital letters.
Provide the child with visual prompts for punctuation during their independent
writing i.e. punctuation fans.
Level 2c
Context:
Using Pie Corbett, the children became familiar with the story of ‘The Gruffalo’ by
Julia Donaldson. This student adapted the story by selecting different characters.
Although the main character isn’t identified as it is in the original story, the student
has chosen a girl as her main character.
On one sunny morning in The beep barc woobs
then she saw a way out ov the woobs. She walct
and then she saw a fluffy cat anb the cat saib wer
ar you going little Brown puppy. I am going too see
a grufflo a grufflo wats a grufflo it has sharp teeth
and sharp clors anb a poysnas wort on the enb ov
his nose. Anb then she walct and walct. When she
stopt she saw a snack anb the snack saib wer ar
you going too little Brown puppy. I am going to see
a gruffalo whats a grufflo it has sharp teeth and
sharp clors and a poysnas wort on the enb ov his
nose. And she went home.
Comment [H31]: Adaptation of story
language. Phrasing indicates time. Opening
signalled. AF3/ AF7
Comment [H32]: Uppercase letter
Comment [H33]: Extension of nouns.
AF1
Comment [H34]: Letters not correctly
orientated (d) – 1a
Comment [H35]: Connective used.
Shows development of ideas and adds
sequence to writing. AF3
Comment [H36]: Full stops used to
mark the end of a sentence. AF6
Comment [H37]: Capital letters used
after full stops. Question mark missed. AF6
Comment [H38]: Expansion of nouns
AF1
Comment [H39]: Lively word choice.
Has been drawn from a shared text. AF7
Comment [H40]: Ideas developed in a
sentence. AF3
Comment [H41]: Ideas linked
chronologically. AF3
Comment [H42]: Ideas linked
chronologically. Shows sequence. AF3
Comment [H43]: Expansion of noun.
This is sustained throughout the story. AF1
Comment [H44]: Ending signalled –
abrupt ending AF3
What this work does well – what makes it a secure 2c:





This student’s writing communicates meaning beyond a simple statement. Her
writing shows some characteristics of the narrative form and uses some story
language.
Her ideas are linked chronologically however her story comes to an abrupt
ending. She now needs to work on developing her ideas (2b)
She selects appropriate vocabulary and adds further details to her writing with
the use of adjectives.
She uses full stops and capital letters to punctuate sentences. This student
now needs to use a range of punctuation such as commas in a list and a
question mark (2b).
She uses her phonics to support her spelling and she spells many common
words correctly. Due to her accent she has spelt ‘of’ as ‘ov’
How this work can get to the next level:





The student now needs to develop some of the ideas that are introduced in
her writing – to hit the 2b band.
To begin to use more punctuation in her writing e.g. commas, question marks,
etc.
Sufficient detail given to engage the reader.
Some variation in word choice/vivid expression at the start.
Sentences linked with when, until, after, because
Teaching points:





To teach and model how ideas in writing might be developed.
To teach and model when and why to build more of a range of punctuation in
one’s writing - continue with daily VCOP inputs with a focus on punctuation
and sentence structure.
High frequency word ‘of’.
Developing ideas – use of adjectives, connectives and detail.
How to use ‘?’ and commas accurately.
Level 2b
Context: The student is a year two child. This is a story she has written
independently, under SATs conditions and with no support.
My Fairy Tale
One sunny afternon princess Sarah was out side in the garden sining the most
Comment [MSOffice45]:
Use of time words
gorgast singing in the world. Princess Sarah is the most gorgest girl in the world.
Comment [MSOffice46]: Details
included to engage the reader.
She has a tiqwse dress blue eyes and blond hair. One night when the princess was
asleep sumthing happened in the princess was asleep the window flew open and the
Comment [MSOffice47]:
Evidence of punctuation – full stops and
capital letter use is over 50% accuracy.
gates of the castle brok of the castle was honted. the following morning because the
Comment [MSOffice48]:
Ambitious word choices.
castle was honted that night Princess Sarah was walking in the wood when she saw
Comment [MSOffice49]: Spelling is
showing increasing accuracy and she is
using phonetic knowledge and spelling
patterns.
a cottag. The cottag an awful witch and the princess brot her dads wsard a cilled the
witch and that night the princess had the best night sleep.
The end
Comment [MSOffice50]:
Different sentence openers are used.
Comment [MSOffice51]:
Longer sentences have been written
with ideas joined by a range of
connectives.
Comment [MSOffice52]: High
frequency words are spelt accurately.
What this work does well – what makes it a secure Level 2b

She has used some ambitious and interesting words and details in order to engage
the reader.

She has used a range of opening phrases to her sentences.

She has used some basic connectives to make compound sentences.

She has used some time adverbials.

She has punctuated her sentences with a good degree of accuracy – above 50%

She has followed the genre type.

She has spelt a variety of words correctly and where she has made mistakes, her
attempts have been phonetically plausible. However, she has made some basic
errors.

Overall, her handwriting is generally neat with clear ascenders and descenders.

She has not mixed upper and lower case letters within words.
How this work can get to the next level:
In order to achieve the level 2a in writing, she needs to:

Use more descriptive phrases, for example, an enormous, black cloud.

Use more sophisticated story language, for example, Many years ago, in a land far
away.

Make sure that her sentences are started in different ways, for example, Although
she was tired… Before the wizard cast his spell…

Make sure that her sentences are joined in different ways.

Make sure that she has 80% accuracy with her use of capital letters and full stops.

Start to use commas in her work.

Make sure that there is a coherent and effective linking of her sentences and ideas.

Increase her work in both length and detail.

Make sure that her writing is in clear sections.

Make sure that her presentational features match the purpose of the writing.

Make sure that her use of past and present tense is generally consistent.

Make sure that her handwriting is extremely well formed, correctly orientated, neat
and is beginning to be joined.
Teaching Points

She needs to work on her use of different types of punctuation, for example:
exclamation marks, commas in lists and question marks.

She also needs to read back through her work in order to check that it makes sense.

Although her story shows a basic beginning, middle and end, she needs to make
sure that these are not rushed and that each sections includes sufficient details.
Level 2a
Context:
C is a Year Two pupil. This is a story she has written independently, under
SATs conditions and with no support. It is a first draft with no editing or
polishing.
Once upon a time there lived a person called Chloe one day
Chloe went for a walk in the woods. She looked at the trees,
heared the birds singing and saw a butterfly that was red,
yellow, blue, white and purple. “It was hard to walk in the
woods! Sundly she found a sparlky, blue and amayzing. Chloe
picked the magick rock up. Then all the trees, and, birds and
butterflys where gon but the jungle trees groo. You could hear
lions because it was a jungle. Chloe looked all arouned and
saw not one not two but three cheeters. “Can you ride me
home? “ “Yes we will, When she got home they all lived happily
ever after.
Comment [M53]: Growing
understanding of the use of punctuation is
shown in the use of capital letters and full
stops mark correctly structured sentences
Comment [M54]: Good use of story
language.
Comment [M55]: Simple use of
conjunctions to extend sentences and join
two ideas together
Comment [M56]: Commas in lists
Comment [M57]: Forms exclamation
sentences accurately.
Comment [M58]: Good sentence
opener.
Comment [M59]: Use of adjectives to
engage reader.
Comment [M60]: Use of adjectives to
engage reader.
Comment [M61]: Simple use of
conjunctions to extend sentences and join
two ideas together
Comment [M62]: Good use of story
language.
Comment [M63]: Forms question
sentences accurately.
Comment [M64]: Good use of speech
marks.
What this work does well – what makes it a secure Level 2a



C understands that certain types of phrase/language are important when she
is writing a story. She has Imitated stories that she has read by using such
language as “Once Upon a time...” and “Not one not two but three”. Her story
is in time order and follows the story mountain template.
She is beginning to use interesting language (wow words) to form noun
phrases and to add a little description and detail.
C has a good understanding of how to use basic punctuation and she uses
capital letters, full stops, exclamation marks, question marks, speech marks
and commas in lists.
Comment [M65]: This is a story with a
beginning, middle and end but there needs
to more details to engage the reader.
Comment [M66]: Handwriting is clear,
joined and neat, letters are all the correct
shape & size
Comment [M67]: Good use of story
language.



C has opened some sentences in interesting ways – with ‘ly’ words such as
‘suddenly’ and time connectives such as ‘When’ and ‘Then’.
Her handwriting is fluent and joined and she takes pride in the presentation of
her work.
She can spell words with more than one syllable and selects the correct
homophone (hear/here).
C still needs to achieve these elements of level 2a:


C needs to describe the characters in her story and the setting in much more
detail.
She needs to think carefully about how her story is structured with an
introduction and line breaks or paragraphs.
She needs a greater awareness that someone will be reading her writing so to
include lots of exciting details to interest her reader.
How this work can get to the next level:






Can she open some sentences with ‘ly’’ words or even verbs?
C would benefit from using commas to make clauses in her sentences
She needs to use different kinds of sentences including compound, simple
and short.
She needs to group her ideas in to paragraphs.
She needs to give her reader more detail about her characters and include
some feelings.
She needs to consider Phase 5 letters and sounds alternative spellings.
Teaching points



C needs guided work to reinforce how she might structure stories, with an
introduction at least 3 developmental paragraphs and a conclusion.
Once C is taught how to open a sentence with an ‘ly’ word or an ‘ing word she
will love doing this.
She needs to check the spelling of her words especially suffixes (ly, and ing)
and plural endings (butterflys). Does she need more work on the ‘oo’, ‘ew’ ‘ue’ phoneme?
Level 3c
Context:
This is the work of a year two child (E). This is a story she has written independently,
under SATs conditions and with no support.
Once upon a time there was a child called Ebony. She was walking through the
woods when she found a beautiful, blue and turquoise pebble. “That pebble looks
strange,” I said. When I picked it up…Suddenly the wood disappeared and the
beautiful birds singing. The pebble took me to the scorching jungel! I couldnot
believe it.”This pebble is a magic pebble!” I shouted. Then I saw not one not two but
three lepeds. “Who are you?” I asked. Who are we we are leperds,” they said. “Could
you help me get home,...” I asked whith fright. “We will help you if you do something
for us,” the first lepard said. “But it is very hard!” Waned the second leperd. “What is
it?” I asked “Stop them cheaters from bulleing us, “said the smallest. Early one
morning Ebony got up and got ready for task. She went up to the cheaters and told
them to behave and stop bulleing them kind leperds. So they stoped bulleing the
leperds. Then the leperds thanked her and they helped me home and all the wood
grew and I lived hapaly ever after.
Comment [M68]: Good use of story
language.
Comment [M69]: Brilliant use of full
stops and capital letters (80%) accuracy
Comment [M70]: Sentence extended
with one conjunction
Comment [M71]: Details to interest the
reader.
Comment [M72]: Appropriate use of
comma
Comment [M73]: Good use of
adjectives
Comment [M74]: Time words and
connectives to open sentences
Comment [M75]: Adjectives
Comment [M76]: Description of
setting
Comment [M77]: Good use of story
language.
Comment [M78]: Appropriate use of
exclamation mark.
Comment [M79]: Very good use of
speech marks throughout
What this work does well – what makes it a secure Level 3c




E use of punctuation is excellent and demonstrates elements of Level 3a
writing. She demarcates her work with full stops and capital letters throughout
with over 80% accuracy. She uses question marks and exclamation marks
accurately and has even used an ellipse. E uses commas in lists to separate
adjectives and also as an indication that a character has finished speaking. E
uses speech marks accurately.
Her sentences are mainly simple or extended with one conjunction – they are
grammatically correct.
E has written in a form which shows key features of the story genre. She has
written this story with a definite beginning, middle and end and uses
appropriate story language.
E has added adjectives to add detail but as yet is not using adverbs.
Comment [M80]: Exciting verbs
Comment [M81]: Good use of story
language.
Comment [M82]: Sentence extended
with one conjunction.
Comment [M83]: Time words and
connectives to open sentences
Comment [M84]: The story is in time
order and follows the ‘story mountain’
format.
Comment [M85]: Good use of story
language.



E uses some time connectives to open sentences and extends some
sentences with one conjunction.
E spells a variety of words correctly and where she makes mistakes her
attempts are plausible. However, she still makes some errors with common
high frequency words such as ’with’.
E’s handwriting is joined and legible.
E needs to achieve these elements of level 3c:


Add details to describe characters.
Use adverbs.
How this work can get to the next level:





In order to achieve the level 3b in writing E needs to use adverbs for adding
descriptive details and to open sentences.
E needs to begin to organise her work into sections or paragraphs with line
breaks.
E is not yet using clauses and needs experience of doing this.
E would benefit from a describing characters and settings in more detail.
E needs to sound out words one phoneme at a time when she is spelling
some words with more than 2 syllables.
Teaching points:


E would benefit from being encouraged to read through her work and to check
that the characters do not change from first to third person and is consistent
throughout.
She also needs to be reminded of the rule for when a verb ending in the
consonant ‘y’ has the suffix ‘ing’ added to it.
Level 3b
Context:
Pupils were asked to continue a story which involved making an amazing discovery. This
was under SAT conditions with no support.
An Amazing Discovery
A loophole apeared above my head. It was enormous when suddenly a dark, blue
police box shot through the loop hole and landed on the beach. In a flash the door
opened. Three humans stepped out onto the beach infront of me. One boy was tall
and muscely with green eyes and the other boy wore a bowtie and brown eyes and
cool hair. There was a girl too how had ginger hair and a beautiful waist coat. One
began to talk. “Hi” he said “I’m The Doctor and this is Amy and Rorey… whats you
name”. “My names Erin… Erin Barnes and it is a pleasure to meet you.” They said
they came to see the dolphins but not just any dolphins… magic dolphins. We waited
and waited until the clock struck 2 when 4 glittering, shiny dolphins sprung from the
water, flipping from time and time again. It was amazing but sadly it was over and
The Doctor and his friends made their way into the police box and into the loop hole.
I told myself no one will believe me if I tell them.
Comment [MSOffice86]:
Uses a range of connectives. AF5
Comment [MSOffice87]:
Uses a range of connectives. AF5
Comment [MSOffice88]:
Uses adjectives and adverbs. AF7
Comment [MSOffice89]:
Character development through describing
how characters look. AF1
Comment [MSOffice90]:
Dialogue is beginning to be set out
correctly. AF6
Comment [MSOffice91]:
Ellipses used correctly. AF6
Comment [MSOffice92]:
Connectives used to signal time. AF4
Comment [MSOffice93]:
Writes complex sentences. AF5
Comment [MSOffice94]:
Uses appropriate grammatical features.
AF2
Comment [MSOffice95]:
Draws writing towards a defined
conclusion. AF3
What this work does well – what makes it a secure 3b:






Detail is added for interest by the use of adjectives and adverbs.
Characters are described and dialogue adds to character development.
Adverbials are used to vary sentence openers.
Speech marks are placed correctly.
Connectives are used to show the passage of time.
Excellent handwriting.
How this work can get to the next level:




Write in paragraphs.
More advanced vocabulary.
Use a wider range of punctuation for effect (! ? -).
Develop sections by going into greater detail.
Teaching points:




Teach and model structuring story using paragraphs – at the planning stage, ensure
sections/paragraphs are identified.
Characters are described physically – could character descriptions now move on to
include feelings?
Create more ‘talk’ before writing opportunities to build and extend vocabulary bank –
to build on more advanced vocabulary.
Teach and model incorporating a wider range of punctuation within the writing –
perhaps also link this to peer assessment with someone at a Level 3a or 4c to see
this being used effectively.
Level 3a
Context:
SL is a Year 5 pupil. This is a persuasive she has written independently, under SATs
conditions and with no support.
Dear Mrs Brownlee,
Before we get started I want to inform you what I am about to
say is very very important! School uniform is outrageous!!!!! Why would you even
think about having it. Nobody and I mean no body likes it, in the summer it’s to warm
in the winter it’s to cold are you bloom’in mad women!!!
PLEASE PLEASE, can we have normal clothes. And in the holidays we grow
right? If we grow out of school uniform in the holidays that would be a dis-aster
because I know my mum can’t afford to buy me new school uniform every time we
have a holiday. That would add up to £100,000,000,000 the amount of time we have
off school.
And I ashure you no-one will get bullyed if they didn’t have designer cloths
because they’d have me to deal with!!! What I’m trying to say is non school uniform
would benfit us a gizillean times better because it helps us show our personality from
girly girls to tomboys. So please please think about it you’d be mega stupid not to.
Yours sincerely, ***** *****
Comment [T96]: Time opener.
Comment [T97]: Point of view clearly
stated.
Comment [T98]: Effective use of
punctuation.
Comment [T99]: Persuasive language.
Comment [T100]: Capital letters for
emphasis.
Comment [T101]: Accurate use of full
stops.
Comment [T102]: Correct use of
question mark.
Comment [T103]: Connective to show
cause & effect.
Comment [T104]: Connective to
explain.
Comment [T105]: Hyperbole.
Comment [T106]: Apostrophe used
correctly.
Comment [T107]: Common
polysyllabic words spelled correctly.
Comment [T108]: Accurate use of
paragraphs.
Comment [T109]: Clear letter
structure.
What this work does well – what makes it a secure Level 3a








SL has clearly written for the correct purpose. She has included the features
one would expect in a persuasive letter, such as the correct structure,
persuasive language, hyperbole etc.
Full stops in the correct place show understanding of correct sentence
structure. Connectives are used accurately for different purposes (time, cause
& effect, explanation).
! ? ‘ and capital letters for effect are all used correctly. However, some ? are
missing.
Positive adjectives have been used.
There is a clear attempt to engage the reader.
Tense and person are maintained throughout.
Handwriting is accurate.
Common words and some unfamiliar polysyllabic words are spelled correctly.
E needs to achieve these elements of level 3a:


Use adverbs.
Use question marks accurately and consistently.
How this work can get to the next level:





In order to achieve the level 4c in writing, SL needs to use intra-sentence
punctuation to separate clauses.
Show more evidence of 4th tier language.
Use more sophisticated connectives such as although, however and
nevertheless.
Use speech marks accurately (not applicable for this genre).
Show a wide range of sentence openers (time, adverb, where etc.).
Teaching points:



SL would benefit from being taught how to use clauses accurately. This will
improve her openers, help vary sentence structure and improve her
punctuation.
SL needs to know how to use higher level connectives effectively.
Regular use of a thesaurus in class should improve the quality of SL’s
vocabulary.
Level 4c
Context
This writer is a Year 6 girl from Set 2 of 3. Lessons prior to the assessed piece
involved discussions surrounding key animal attributes. The children then focused
their ideas using the ‘story mountain’ pro forma to produce a fable. The writing
additionally linked with the science unit of work, Interdependence and Adaptation.
How the dove became a peacock
Back through generations the peacock actually appeared more like a snow coated
dove, so this is how the story begins.
The creamy dove (Jake) who was a greedy fellow, loved food as well as pranking
other companions. The number of times that dove did this was countless, as he
never listened to the other elders. Mostly he spent all of his time flying over the
forest searching for food and pranking other animals. But would that change soon?
Comment [s110]: Opener to signal
time
Comment [s111]: Simile used to
heighten description
Comment [s112]: Wide and varied
range of connectives
Comment [s113]: Question sentence
used to heighten suspense and intrigue
Events such as these took place regularly as usual the greedy chops was searching
about in the dense forest for goodies as he suddenly, heard Mrs. Mole baking Mr.
Bears birthday cake. Swooping in the white chocolate coated dove explained to Mrs.
Mole that Mr. Bear announced that Jake should bring the honey coated cake to his
fiesta party as the dress code was mexican.Thinking about this carefully Mr. Mole
handed it forward. Buzzing off with joy behind the tree the mean hearted creature
gobbled every last honey coated slice selfishly. Sadly know there was no cake for
Mr. Bears birthday party after all.
Comment [s114]: Developing and
effective openers.
A few days later, (Jake) the prankster was gliding along the damp forest looking for
trouble as usual. Silently the mischievous dove spotted steamy spirals coming out of
Mrs. Rabbits burrow. Hiding behind a rose bush the cruel animal screamed out
“HELP!” Rushing out of her home in a hurry Mrs. Rabbit was searching for the
unknown creature in need of help as fast as lightening. Selfishly the figure shooted
off with the freshly baked sugar bunny cookies.
Comment [s118]: Correct use of
punctuation for opening clause.
As the golden penny was shining brightly, chatting quietly the animals were deciding
what they could do to get revenge. So the wonderful baker had pulled out of her
dusty cupboard some packs of dog food , wiped-cream and lastly some chocolate
sauce and piled it all on ready for REVENGE!. Setting everything out for preparation
listening they heard a flapping noise. Dashing off the shadows hid behind some old
chestnut trees.
Comment [s122]: Effective use of a
metaphor to introduce and heighten
description
Comment [s115]: Vocabulary chosen
to add interest and develop description
Comment [s116]: Vocabulary chosen
for effect, more sophisticated verb
Comment [s117]: Developing and
effective openers
Comment [s119]: Added detail to
develop characterisation
Comment [s120]: Uses dialogue and
punctuation with accuracy
Comment [s121]: Simile used to
heighten description
Hunting for trouble Jake noticed that there were some tasty looking food on the
soggy ground. Tasting the undelightful treat the dove fainted in shock , as the other
creatures forgot about his allergic reaction. Everyone panicked in fear as you could
see Jake getting bigger ,bigger and BIGGER!.Trying to wake this sleeping lion all
they could find was paint. As they SPLOSHED paint all over him he looked
different.
As it was hot and sunny that day all the paint soaked into this feathers and body.
Bringing out a mirror screaming loudly the creature went as mad as a hatter, the
animals got scrubbing brushes but that didn’t work so that’s how the dove became a
peacock.
What this work does well – what makes it a secure Level 4c





Writing is lively and interests the reader with elements of humour.
Characters are fully described with vocabulary chosen for effect.
Features appropriate to the text type executed with confidence.
Narrative events well paced, with build up and defined ending. Set out in
paragraphs.
Varied sentence starter techniques used with increasing effect.
Student needs to achieve these elements of level 4c:

Correct use of commas to separate clauses in a sentence
How this work can get to the next level:


In order to achieve the level 4b in writing, the student needs to accurately
employ a wider range of punctuation.
Use a variety of sentence structures, in particular ‘short and snappy,’ to
improve pace and fluidity of their writing.
Teaching points:



In order to progress further, the writer needs to secure their understanding of
punctuation used to separate clauses.
The child would benefit from reading their work aloud to understand the need
for breaks in their writing. This would additionally support the need for shorter
sentence structures to improve pace and fluidity.
‘Was’ and ‘were’ confusion needs addressing.
Comment [s123]: Was and Were
confusion
Level 4b
Context:
This diary extract was an independent writing task. The children were given 45
minutes with the opportunity to up-level their work after teacher assessment.
Friday 25th May
Can I draft a diary extract?
22nd August 2011
Dear Sophie
Wow! What a once in a lifetime experience. Going on sarafie was the best! It all
started when I woke up really early and set off for breakfast scoffing down pancakes
covered in golden surp. I thought to my self, will i see my favirout Animal? Suddenly,
we had to leave, as my heart rased like a tiger waiting for it’s prey. Driving up to the
first animal you would never guess what it was...? It was the king of the Savanah!
The lion! But all of a sudden – we broke down... Butterflys traveled round my
stomach, thinking will we ever restart? Nervesly waiting for the engine to start. I
could see the tension in the lion’s eyes, saying “feed me, feed me” Finally we started
and departed! Phew glad that is over.
2hs later, we had past loads of animals and were coming up to the end, but i’d still
not seen a giraffe! pulling up at the toilets to refresh, disappointment enveloped my
body. My mum asked me what was up. I told her I had not seen a giraffe. But sami
our driver told me we were going back at. Excitement once again filled my body,
Stumbeling to the van we set back off.
Turning round the corner, we saw a big bushy tree and there before my eyes were
my giraffes! My heart skip, skip skipped a beat! They were beautiful! Today will never
leave me, and it will stay with me forever. Can’t wait for tomorrow.
Laters! Sophie
Comment [l124]:
Characteristics of known text type are
consistently employed
Layout is appropriate & supports purpose
Comment [l125]: Vocabulary chosen
selectively & effectively considering
audience/purpose
Comment [l126]: Complex connectives
Comment [l127]: Simile used to add
effect
Comment [l128]: Short sentence used
for impact/engage reader
Comment [l129]: Wide range of
punctuation accurately employed
Comment [l130]: Varied sentence
structure
Comment [l131]: Characterisation
developed through dialogue
Comment [l132]: Pronouns & tenses
used consistently throughout
Student is a secure level 4b with many elements of a 4a writer that now need to be
developed.
What this work does – what makes it a secure level 4b:
 Main ideas are sustained and developed in a logical way
 VOCAB
 Information is clearly presented including detail to add interest
 Ideas sustained and some are developed within/between paragraphs (4b &
4a)
 Paragraphs are used to signal a change of time, scene, action, mood
 Use of paragraphs of varying length to achieve pace and
emphasis/structure/plot
Elements of next level in writing:
 Inverted commas used accurately for most of dialogue
 Structure/style well developed with clear and consistent evidence of the
chosen form
 Writing includes a range of complex sentence types chosen for effect.
 Writing conveys characters thoughts and emotions
How this work can get to the next level:
To be a secure 4a Child AS needs to


Use cause and effect connectives, e.g. As a result of... because of...
consequently...
Use point of view connectives, e.g. on the one hand... alternatively...
Teaching Points:
What would her targets be to achieve the level 4a?


Experiment with different techniques, e.g. 1 word sentences, asking
questions.
Use whole punctuation pyramid inc. Ellipsis, hyphen, brackets, colon, semicolon.
Level 4a
Context:
This recount draft was an independent writing task the children were asked to
complete after a school trip to the canal in Castleford. The children were given 45
minutes with the opportunity to up-level their work after teacher assessment.
Can I draft a recount?
Our visit to the canal
Before visiting the Canal, my friend (Alicia) and I waited nervously. Butterflys
proformed summersalts in my tummy. I wondered where we would go on the boat?
Would we be safe? Like a tornado a thousand things spun around in my head.
Comment [l133]: Short
sentences/question used for effect
Walking Strolling down Queens Parkhill, the balzing sun began kissing my pale skin.
My throat was as dry as a Savannah. When we finally reached the rapid racing river
we were exhausted. Quickly, I grabbed the nearest bottle of water and consumed
200ml my throat was fully refreshed. Before stepping on the craft we had to put on
life jackets for safety.
Comment [l134]: Example of imagery
Shimmering like a golden penny, the sun ran along side the gliding vessel, while
children laughed and waved at their companions. My hand vibrated as I pushed the
rudder left to turn right and right to turn left. Small ducklings swam in a hudle, my
heart melted as I watched the frail creatures swim. After an hour or so on the boat,
we said goodbye to the driver and exited. Slugishly, we staged towards the rickety
brige.
Comment [l137]: A wider range of
openers - simile
After lunch we sauntered over to the weir, where I sat and watched the Thomous.
Lonely and abandoned, the ship layed against its rocky pillow, as foamy water
crashed against its rusty body, while the wind sang its mournful song. Half an hour
later we dicided to go back to AJS we began the tretrouis journey up Queens Park
hill. Along the way we chose to go into the park. We all drenched our selves in water,
which made us feel refreshed. Tierd and exhausted we dragged our selves back to
school. Finally we could sit down and refuel. Eventhough I was tierd it was an
awesome day I thought to my self.
Comment [l140]: Effective sequencing
of sentences develops ideas
Comment [l135]: Example of imagery
Comment [l136]: Alliteration
Comment [l138]: Writing conveys
thoughts and emotions
Comment [l139]: Writing includes a
range of complex sentence types
Comment [l141]: Experimenting with
language inc. Use of imagery, alliteration,
rhythm and rhyme (5c)
Comment [l142]: Cause & effect
connective
The student is a secure level 4a with many elements of a 5c writer that now need to
be developed.
What this work does – what makes it a secure level 4a:
 Consistent use of a wide range of openers and connectives
 Structure/style well developed
 Writing includes a range of complex sentence types chosen for effect
 Experimentation with different techniques – short sentences
 Ideas sustained/developed between paragraphs
Elements of next level in writing:
 Experimentation with language – use of imagery, alliteration
 Uses sense evocatively in creating sentences and in recreating sensations
 Write sentences appealing to feelings and emotions
How this work can get to the next level:
To be a secure 5c Child JM needs to


Use full range of punctuation appropriately and accurately
Use of adverbials – place, time, manner
Teaching Points:
What would her targets be to achieve the level 5c?

The final sentence in this piece of writing is disappointing – JM needs to
maintain the pace and style of her writing up to the final full stop.
Development of ideas managed across the text – closing refers back to
opening (5b)
Level 5c
Context:
The writer is a Year 6 boy in Literacy Set 1 of 3. Teacher input was based around
Enid Blyton’s Famous Five Adventure Stories. In a two week unit of work, the setting
and build up of the story was whole class teacher modelled. The children planned
their writing using the ‘story mountain’ pro forma. It was a 45 minute independent
writing task focusing on a dilemma and resolution to an adventure story.
Cautiously, we entered the Castle, nothing could prepare us for our next challenge.
A stone maze. The worn away, granite slabs were blocks of ice. Something was not
right. Overtime, we became frantic and lost. Was there still a chance of finding the
box? My cousins and I heard a scuttling noise from behind. We spun on our heels.
Suddenly. a horde of swift, unbearable insects chased us throughout the winding
puzzle. They fled as soon as we reached the box. It was as if there was a magnetic
field, stopping them from reaching us.
We had calmed ourselves down. Observing the box with great interest, our senses
came back to us. I sprinted. Carefully, I picked up the box. Crumble, smash, crack.
The castle began to collapse; I told my cousin to run as fast as possible. Blocks of
stone slammed on the ground. There was a short supply of oxygen. My heart raced
as I made that final leap of faith...
Salt water brushed against my frail hand. I awoke. My battered body was slung
over the side of a boat. Sitting up, I realised that I was with my cousins on the
mainland shore. We rushed to Grandma’s house. The box was safe. Grandma
came down the stairs with the key for the oak object. There it was the true moment
of happiness. Our great grandfather’s pictures. For he was the best explorer the
world had ever known. That was the best treasure anyone could ever ask for.
Comment [s143]: Openers used to
create suspense.
Comment [s144]: Narrative techniques
engage interest.
Comment [s145]: Sophisticated time
opener.
Comment [s146]: Varied sentence
types – rhetorical devices.
Comment [s147]: Descriptive,
ambitious vocabulary chosen for effect.
Comment [s148]: Experiments with
language, using imagery.
Comment [s149]: Ambitious sentence
openers.
Comment [s150]: Onomatopoeia
Comment [s151]: Development of
character through commenting on
thoughts and feelings.
Comment [s152]: Descriptive
vocabulary and phrases chosen for effect.
What this work does well – what makes it a secure level 5a:







Writing is controlled and coherent overall.
Descriptive [good] vocabulary chosen with increasing precision and effect to
engage the reader.
Varied sentence types and openers suited to the type of writing.
Some variety in sentence length ** see below.
Structure and organisation increasingly more developed and appropriate.
Ellipsis used to sequence activities.
Usually correctly spells words with complex regular patterns.
How this work can get to the next sub level:




To convey feelings indirectly and by inference rather than by direct
statements.
Greater fluidity in the writing such as longer more developed sentence
structures.
To avoid a disjointed flow to the narrative, develop a more consistent shape to
their writing i.e. manipulation of sentence structures.
Although clear evidence of a variety of sentence types, this writing really
needs to become less ‘formulaic’ – needs to ‘own’ the skill rather than it
appearing forced.
Teaching points:

Include speech in narrative writing.

Increased opportunity for independent writing for children to develop their own
writing style.
Level 5b
Context:
The writer is a Year 6 boy in Literacy Set 1 of 3. Lessons prior to the assessed piece
focused on creating their own superhero. Children planned their writing using the
‘story mountain’ pro forma. It was a 45 minute independent writing task focusing on
a dilemma and resolution to a superhero story.
Johnny Black, aged 21, loved to do absolutely nothing when he is at home. He
braggs a lot about his spikey, stiff, shiney and black hair. Whilst devouring his
favourite meal, which happened to be Super Noodles, he took a break from the
whirling treadmill. Suddenly, the News buzzed and crackled on the radio.
Something had occoured at the Royal Bank of England. It had been robbed!
Anxious, exhilarated and full of excitement, Black Phantom could not just stand by
and watch this terrible event happen.
Leaping, jumping and thrusting himself up the stairs, to where the locker room was,
Johnny Black entered his code into his tall, metal and well protected locker.
Pouncing like an enormous Jaguar, he strode into his cubicle. Gliding through the
daylight sun like a colossal vulture hunting down it’s anxious prey, Johnny Black
caught a glimpse of something. Black phantom spun around. Rapidly, he fell
through the air like concord towards the Royal Bank of England...
BOOM! Black Phantom landed with a steel clink and a trail of golden and silver
sparks. He scanned the street. Suddenly, the ground began to tremble, crackle and
break. King Cobra appeared through a crack in the ground. CLANG! SMASH!
BOOM! Demolishing the entire street, the two superhumans battled with great anger
but no pain. Finally, King Cobra flew away with no money!
Crowding around Black Phantom, the innocent people cheered with great joy.
London was saved!
Comment [s153]: Embedded clause to
add detail.
Comment [s154]: Vocabulary chosen
for effect.
Comment [s155]: Embedded clause to
add detail.
Comment [s156]: Vocabulary chosen
for effect.
Comment [s157]: Openers to indicate
sequencing of events.
Comment [s158]: Commas used in a
list sentence.
Comment [s159]: Embedded clause to
add detail.
Comment [s160]: Experimenting with
language – simile.
Comment [s161]: Ambitious use of
openers.
Comment [s162]: Effective use of
descriptive openers.
Comment [s163]: Experimenting with
language – simile.
Comment [s164]: Simple sentence to
create suspense.
Comment [s165]: Experimenting with
language – simile.
Comment [s166]: Ellipsis uses to
sequence events.
Comment [s167]: Onomatopoeia
What this work does well – what makes it a secure level 5b:






Writing is controlled and coherent overall.
Descriptive vocabulary chosen with increasing precision and effect to engage
the reader.
Varied sentence openers suited to the purpose of the writing.
Some variety in sentence length.
Use of similes to heighten description i.e. ‘pouncing like an enormous Jaguar’.
One of the key reasons this gets out of the 5c level is due to the sense of
humour, engagement that runs throughout – this demonstrates much more
independence as a writer – that the student is in ownership of the direction of
the piece and manipulation of storyline/reader engagement.
How this work can get to the next sub level:






To create a clear and consistent style to give shape to their writing.
Manipulate order of clauses in sentences to have an effect on the reader.
Incorporate speech for effect.
Avoid repetition of figurative device i.e. two similes in the same paragraph.
To employ a wider range of figurative devices.
Ensure consistency of tense.
Teaching Points:


Address spelling misconceptions i.e. ‘e’ or ‘ey’ endings and doubling
consonants.
Consolidate understanding of tense
Level 5a
Context: The class were asked to produce a short suspense story in first
person. Students had read/analysed/deconstructed similar short stories with a
thriller/horror theme and identified stylistic features used. The writing was
done independently over a series of English lessons – with the brief of
producing a more extended piece.
The teacher babbled on telling us our homework for this night. With a sense of relief,
Comment [JF168]: Use of adjectival
modifiers to add detail and
characterisation.
the bell rang. It was like a call from heaven freeing us from hell. Mr Smith had bearly
Comment [JF169]: Commenting on
the character’s thoughts/feelings.
opend the door before everyone had stampeded the corridor like a pack of buffalo
Comment [JF170]: Use of simile -
running for freedom. I followed stepping through the gates. I breathed in the fresh air.
Comment [JF171]: Examples of
ambitious vocabulary – adding imagery and
atmosphere.
I lifted my hand to my cheek. I sighed at the irritating tapping of a pencil behind me.
Fridays Maths had ended and the weekend was yet to come. Heaven. Leanne and
Jasmine had got the privelage of going on the school trip and I was stuck here.
Unexpectedly, a familiar voice came from behind me. It was Luke. “Guess you’re in
the same position as me, come on, I’ll walk with you” he offered.
“Ok,” I ansered.
With enthusiasm, we began our journey home. The skies were clear and the sun
Comment [JF172]: Varied sentence
structure.
was beating down on us showcasing our way, so we took the short cut across the
cornfield. About half way across, there was a problem. ‘Damn, the builders have
fenced off the way out for the new houses” He moaned. This ment there was only
one way to go; through old man Hopkins back yard.
Luke threw his bag over the wall then backed up standing next to me. He pulled my
Comment [JF173]: Building in
suspense and added problem to building
narrative.
bag from my shoulder throwing it over as well. He began running then leapt clinging
on to the wall like a lizard on the prowl. In his rush, he knocked chipped and broken
pieces of the brickwork from it.
“What are you waiting for Katie, are you scared he’s going to get you?” He laughed.
I charged for the wall gripping on with one hand. Unfortunately, my grip started to
falter. However, before I fell backwards, he pulled me up. We both jumped down
landing on the old burnt grass from the fires last summer, and smiled. This was fun.
Comment [JF174]: Vocabulary choice
for characterisation – emphasises
determination of protagonist here: given
by inference not straight statement.
Comment [JF175]: Detail adding to
setting.
His house was tall and crooked. There were shutters on the window that beat
against the frames but didn’t make a noise. One of the windows was open making
the curtain float and flutter around. We both crept along the garden but we were
stopped in our path by a moving shadow. Mr Hopkins walked around the corner. He
Comment [JF176]: Adding atmosphere
and effect for reader engagement.
Comment [JF177]: Selection of
vocabulary choice to build suspense
needed for this genre.
didn’t look too impressed. Without thinking, we lept for the wall but there was no
were we could start our run up. My heart started to pound building up the tension I
felt. I stepped backwards but tripped up over an old well pulling Luke with me. I fell
over it but I didn’t fall on the ground. I fell now were.
I fluttered my eyes open realising I wasn’t in Mr Hopkins garden anymore. I was in a
room I’d never seen before. It was an assembly room like my schools but it was
Comment [JF178]: Beginnings in more
ambitious vocabulary.
destroyed. The windows were smashed and the wooden floor was all ripped up.
Cobwebs stretched from one side of the room to another - luckily there were no
spiders. Luke was still unconscious on the floor. I kicked him in the leg waking him
Comment [JF179]: Student is trying to
add detail to further build up the eerie
atmosphere – although basic it is effective.
up.
“Ouch” he groaned.
“Ssshhh” I whispered holding my finger to my lip. I struggled to my feet stretching
Comment [JF180]: Needs to secure
layout of speech – line spacing etc.
and cracking my neck. I set off running towards the door putting my hand out for the
handle. I began to open it, peering through the gap. “Oh my god” I cried.
I opened the door wider revealing a hallway full of doors. There were holes in the
cealing and the wallpaper drooped over displays and picture frames. We ran towards
the main door trying to open it. It wouldn’t budge.
Comment [JF181]: Ideas are generally
logically sequenced at this point of the
story.
“Great, its locked.” I sighed. The look on Luke’s face said it all. “I knew Mr Hopkins
was a bad one.” He raged. Then a door slammed behind us. A women walked up the
corridor wearing a long black and purple dress. Her eyes were green and her
fingernails left scratches along the wall as she dragged them along it. “Shouldn’t you
kids be in your lessons?” She spat. “Well for your information lady we aren’t met to
Comment [JF182]: Establishes
cohesion through connectives and dialogue
which add a lively aspect to the story.
be here and by the looks of it neither are you. Luke cheekily ansered back.
“Little kids who play with fire get there fingers burnt” she grinned. With a click of her
fingers two guards approached us and handcuffed our arms behind our backs.
“Well done Luke,” I sighed.
We were marched through a door labelled, “Heads office” The door was closed
behind us then the women put a sign up in the window “DO NOT ENTER OR ELSE”.
We were sat in chairs and our hands were unbound. Unnervingly, the head mistress
took a knife from the wall and so did the two guards. “Now you will know what
Comment [JF183]: A
wide range of punctuation is used,
including speech marks, apostrophes,
brackets and
ellipses, to create clarity and sometimes for
effect.
Comment [JF184]: Beginning to use
adverbial openers to add drama to the
piece.
happens to trespasses” she bellowed. She lunged towards Luke point the blade to
hs belly. He doged out of the way letting her fall into the chair. He took the knife
Comment [JF185]: This line has a
range of more ambitious vocabulary –
‘lunged’/’bellowed’ etc.
ready to fight back. Then she disappeared, along with the room.
We landed back in Hopkins garden.
“GET OUT!” I rose to my feet sprinting to the gate Luke grabbed my hand running to
the corner of the street. “You’re here - you scared them away” I smiled.
He kissed my cheek and ran home.
“Bye!” I shouted.
What this work does well – what makes it a secure 5a:









Is using nouns, pronouns and tenses accurately – only minor errors.
Is using ambitious vocabulary – both adjectival and adverbial modifiers to add
engagement, characterisation and atmosphere.
Detail of character often given by inference rather than direct statement.
Sustained awareness of reader.
There is a variety of sentence lengths, structures to provide clarity and
emphasis.
Appropriate ideas and atmosphere developed with a few good examples of
imaginative detail.
Links between main ideas and events are generally maintained – just a few
examples of this not being secure.
On the whole, material is structured clearly and is managed mostly across the
text as a whole – sentences are organised into largely clearly and aptly
connected paragraphs.
There are some errors with spelling but more often than not a phonetically
plausible spelling is offered.
How this work can get to the next level:


Although a variety of sentence lengths and structures etc it is not always
controlled in every instance so overall effect sometimes lost – needs to secure
this to achieve sustained purpose.
Most of punctuation used accurately – needs focus on apostrophes for
possession and omission. Errors tend to occur where ambitious structures are
attempted – needs to focus on this and secure it so it is consistent to achieve
a level 6.
Comment [JF186]: Needs to look at
the ending ... the story goes through a
series of thrilling moments and then tails
off.



Some cohesive devices need to be worked on e.g. adverbial sentence
starters to emphasise effect. Needs to secure structure also at times to hit
level 6 – writing by taking into account the reader’s likely reaction.
Building on the above, writer needs to employ more sophisticated connectives
within writing – enabling writer to link and build paragraphs more seamlessly
throughout the piece of writing.
Needs to proof read and log spelling errors – identifying any patterns to learn
from/target.
Teaching points:
 Student needs to make more use of the story mountain – particularly looking
at the ending of short stories of this genre. It falters slightly here. The reader is
left with a weak, abrupt ending which ensures that this doesn’t go into the
level 6 area.
 Needs a lot of work on AF5 – there is evidence of a range of sentence lengths
but lacks confidence and use to manipulate and shade meaning.
 Some paragraph and sentence openers are a little repetitive in structure.
 Needs to identify patterns of misspellings, and spotlight any common links of
rules/strategies not secure with.
 Apostrophes for possession and omission.
 Fully understand and employ layout when including dialogue.
Level 6
Context: A year 8 student was invited to produce a piece of fiction that fitted the
horror genre. They read a range of short stories and extracts and also worked in
groups to plan elements of this genre of writing before moving on to and extended
piece, individually.
The Gift
That day was meant to be the biggest day of my life – the mark of a new beginning.
It was the day I was to move in with the love of my life ... my world. As I turned over,
moving my body across the soft bed linen, I felt heat all around me. I was inside his
arms. Soothingly, I saw a gleam of light as the sun beamed in through the minute
gap in the long draping curtains. That day was the day I sealed the long everlasting
contract of trust and faith to him. But I guess we can’t always write our own stories.
We hopped inside the large truck which waited impatiently outside our house. ‘MoveYour-Stuff’ inhabited the side of the small van. We travelled about 30 miles south of
our current home when we reached a crossroads. We turned right and kept going. I
remember noting that there was nothing for miles when eventually we reached a
huge manor house. The old stone bricks interlocked together as the entwined
vegetation circled the home. The colourful rose petals that had fallen from the plants
highlighted the decaying mansion. Although this house was the only building for
miles, and was in desperate need of renovation, it was the only place I could ever
call home. I looked up to Jonathon and smiled. The huge task of bringing in all of our
furniture began as did I straining my neck and back. All I wanted was a red hot
bubble bath to calm my extremely worn out muscles.
As time ticked by, we eventually started settling in. The cracks in the walls were
being filled in. The holes in the floorboards were getting re-fitted. The gap in my long
time empty heart was now full, now I had met Jonathon and begun our life together.
Our pattern was that he would go off to work through the day whilst I would clean
and help the builders. As the house became ‘normal’, I one day felt the need to go
outside and start on the garden. I unlocked the huge wooden door and felt the fresh
air engulf my body. I was about to take my first real step outside for weeks when
suddenly I stumbled on a box.
The box was metal, copper or tin, one or the other, with a tiny note attached to it. I
sat on the porch step and placed the box on my lap. I hesitated before turning the
tag over, but I did all the same. The tag read, ‘All the best, neighbours’. My mind was
quickly sent into a frenzy whirlwind. We didn’t have neighbours! We were the only
living beings for a 20 mile radius. Before I knew it, I was unlocking the latch and
opening the box. Slowly, I lifted the lid. All I saw was an old newspaper. The yellow
Comment [JF187]: Opens with a hook
– reader wants to know ‘why?’
Comment [JF188]: Use of adverbial
opener.
Comment [JF189]: Ambitious
vocabulary used for effect and reader
engagement.
Comment [JF190]: Creating setting
through detailed description – atmospheric
and engaging.
Comment [JF191]: Openings to
paragraphs – marking paragraphs and time.
Comment [JF192]: Full range of
punctuation – understanding of impact.
lining of the paper stuck out, one angle after another. The murky smell of rotting
earth and old paper bound together. Out of the corner of my naive eyes, I saw a
picture of my beloved Jonathon. My one and only. Next to him was a picture of a
young girl, jet black hair all the way to her hips, who looked about 13. Above, I saw a
huge headline in big, black bold letters, ‘Murder man kills victim Mary’. The thin lining
of my beating heart became incapable of holding such a great capacity in my weary
head. Surely he didn’t. He couldn’t. Or did he?
No, I couldn’t let myself believe he had done this. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw
a date. It said 1st January 1987. That was twenty years ago today. I flicked through a
few more pages. All the same stories ... just different girls: different young girls that
had a whole life ahead of them, taken from them with a simple pierce of a knife.
I needed to do something, get these images and thoughts out of my messed up
mind. I burned the articles under the log fire burning in the lounge. It warmed my
freezing hands up more and more as I went on. It occasionally gave me a mean spit
now and again.
Suddenly, I heard footsteps coming from the porch. I must have fallen asleep. As I
woke up, and it was now around 5pm, my face was burning from the fire.
“Honey I’m home,” I heard. It was John. I didn’t answer. I decided not to confront him
about what I had seen. Instead, I decided to head upstairs to go to bed. Hopefully
alone.
The next morning I woke in the same position I had fallen to sleep in. I looked over to
see if I’d slept in. I knew that John would be at work already. My delusional mind
scattered even more as I saw a figure, a shadow, something standing at the end of
the bed. One hand on the metal railings was trying to tell me something. My brain
whirled - I saw a girl, a young girl. Her mouth was moving but no words could
actually be heard. No sound. She was mouthing the words, ‘Kill him’ to me. She was
wearing a white gown with large bloody marks on it. I was so incredibly scared ... but
at the same time I was intrigued by her delicate ways. I heard a bird chirp in the
background, but remember it seeming to get closer and closer. My eyes followed the
bird as it appeared through the window until before I knew it, it was perched on the
railing of my bed. The girl had gone.
Days passed.
And so did the cold lonely nights.
I had begun sleeping on the couch. I couldn’t bring myself to be around him. In my
mind, it is forbidden. I had gone from loving the man with all my heart to having a
irrational hatred of him. I started to see things: children ... girls. Not everyday, but
most days. They would tell me things. Things I never thought I would hear about the
person I once saw as my world. I hated myself for it. But I believed them. I honestly
did believe my husband killed these girls and ruined their and their family’s lives. As
the lonely days passed, I knew I needed to do it. Kill him that is.
He was sleeping on the day bed on the porch. That was the time. I took the sharpest
knife from the cutlery draw and took the first few steps to the rest of my life. I knew I
would have to live with this forever. The guilt? But I didn’t care. I knew I must. I
Comment [JF193]: Sophisticated
expression of detail creating atmosphere
and reader engagement.
Comment [JF194]: Range of
punctuation used for effect.
Comment [JF195]: Quite a symbolic
reference – linking to the impact of the
newly gained knowledge and its impact
upon her.
Comment [JF196]: Evidence of a range
of sentence lengths used for variety – used
quite confidently too with understanding
of impact on reader.
Comment [JF197]: Range of differing
lengths of paragraphs used for effect –
building suspense and adding to reader
engagement.
opened the heavy front door, grunting a little as I strained my arm. I tiptoed over to
where he was peacefully sleeping. ‘I loved you’ I whispered in his ear.
That’s when I did it, that’s when I ended his life, sent his soul up to the heavens, his
poor guilty soul.
Little did I know he was coming back for me ...
What this work does well – what makes it a secure level 6b:
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The student uses a range of adverbial starters to emphasise meaning and help to
establish the tone and building tension. (*See below)
Material is structured clearly on the whole – at times this just needs to have tighter
control to hit top level 6 band.
Opening paragraph hooks the reader and use of ‘the gift box’ engages the reader
and anticipates growing reader reaction.
Range of punctuation is used.
Does weave in a series of events to the evolving plot that add tension and suspense
(i.e. who sent the ‘gift’/will she survive the ‘night’/is someone playing with her i.e. did
he really do it?)
A sense of voice is definitely present with the convincing characterisation of the key
narrator – with developed use of sentence features (e.g. fronted adverbials,
ambitious vocabulary) the character/writing will be more rounded.
Range of vocabulary used – generally this is varied with glimpses of it being
ambitious also. (*see below)
How this work can get to the next level:
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Quite an ambitious story that follows a lot of the features expected of a story of this
genre – however, at times the sequencing of events, time and pace are clumsy
making the shifts disjointed. Student needs to work on the transition points of her
story.
Although this student does use certain adverbial openers, etc, these are not
consistent throughout with clear missed opportunities that would have developed the
building pace and drama needed in this piece.
Although good characterisation, more developed and refined use of sentence
features (mentioned above) and ambitious vocabulary this will become more
rounded, well judged and distinctive.
Comment [JF198]: Does this work? A
little unnecessary. Probably adding ‘cliff
hanger’ but does not really work.
Teaching Points:
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Use adverbial openers (range of openers) more consistently and effectively
throughout. (AF5 and AF4)
Although range of punctuation is used, try to ensure it is ‘consistently’ accurate
aiming for more ambitious structures e.g. more examples of comma splices, etc.
(AF6)
It is great that this student is beginning to employ more ambitious vocabulary – just
ensure that the right word is used in the right context i.e. secure use of thesaurus if
used.
Needs to look at the writing of the ‘ending’ to her story ... other stories – to fully
appreciate/understand purpose, impact etc. Last line not needed here which
undermines the developing plot. Missed opportunity of making this circular – link
back to the opening and the platform established.
Development of plot, characterisation etc through a more consistent and confident
use of sentence features.
Level 7
Context: This piece of work was produced by a Year 9 student. Their brief was to
produce a piece of first person descriptive writing – with a horror theme. They were
taken through the teaching sequence initially reading and analysing extracts from
published similar pieces before moving on to plan and draft their own work.
The Haunted House
Crash! The gates collided and clattered upon my arrival. It was a familiar sound but one that
always unnerved me. To reach my friends house, I had to venture through a graveyard. Yes,
that’s right ... a graveyard – I mean ... would you? The air that night was bitter and cold,
attacking the face with its sharpness. The graveyard itself was framed roughly with a mist
that seemed to hover gently all around it. Gigantic howls travelled in tidal waves across the
land that was peppered with stones highlighting the bygone lives of those recent and past
deceased. As I tentatively walked forward, the bracken and foliage crunched and snapped
violently under my feet. Unnervingly, there was a distinct smell of something too sweet to
be pleasant floating in the air. Graves that I passed were in broken chunks like crumbly blue
cheese. And then I noticed it ... wet and sticky, a crimson red blood puddle was pasted
across the cold, solid ground. This was not like any other night I had passed through this
graveyard. Something was different ... and I didn’t like it.
The area was very unusual – even more unusual than normal. Strangely, parts of many
gravestones were jumbled together outlining messages like, ‘Richard Carr, Born 1979, Died
1956’. You can see what I mean ... weird! I quickened my pace trying to get away from the
unnerving evolving events. Relieved, I could see the manor gates in sight ... but that’s where
things took a turn for the worst. I wondered if my eyes were starting to deceive me? I
cautiously turned to see what I thought were spirits chasing me, some screaming intensely
like angry school girls. Abruptly, I stopped. I focused. They were gone. There were suddenly
no spirits or gouls. I had no idea what was happening - I was sure I had seen them before. I
pulled my jacket in tight around me and continued forward. The trees that I brushed passed,
glared in horror at me from their knarled, knobbly trunks. I carried on walking ... but I didn’t
want to.
Eventually, and rather courageously I felt, I reached the final solid brass gates. Whatever
had been attempting to snare me, whatever spirits had marked me out for their
entertainment had gone ... or so I thought.
Comment [J199]: Sensory imagery that
helps to set the scene and create
engagement through atmosphere.
Comment [J200]: Confident style –
able to speak directly to the reader pulling
them further into the narrative.
Comment [J201]: Taking the reader
into their confidence – enhancing
engagement.
Comment [J202]: Image shaped and
crafted – well controlled.
Comment [J203]: Lovely metaphor
that shows sophistication of expression.
Comment [J204]: Figurative language
used with clarity and precision enhancing
the building tension of the story.
Comment [J205]: Nice touch of
personification to increase the foreboding
element of story.
Comment [J206]: Pauses for dramatic
effect cleverly built into the piece.
Boom!
Suddenly, the battle cries of thunder and lightning above me were bellowing, terrifying
gouls and spirits that were now appearing like flying demons were plotting above. It was
happening again. My mind was being invaded. Logically, my eyes naturally and defensively
closed. I didn’t want to look. I couldn’t think. Whatever had returned to do this to me, was
intent on torturing me. The pain was gradual but growing in intensity. In my head all I saw
Comment [J207]: Adverbial openers
used for effect throughout – displaying a
growing ambitious range of vocabulary.
and heard was the whining of an evil, old man with wrinkles and a drab sense of humour.
My head was pounding and throbbing. The voice said sarcastically, ‘Come in young one!’
But then ... as quickly as it had begun ... the torture ended. I fell to the floor, exhausted.
Scuffling to my feet, I grabbed a gargoyle statue to help me up. The gates, that had seemed
momentarily a distant goal, suddenly flew open. To my right was a pond. It was vermillion
and ginger coloured in the midnight sky. With a huge sense of relief and satisfaction, I felt I
could now say all was normal. I hesitantly stepped across the weed ridden garden, climbed
the stone steps, knocked cautiously on the door and crossed the threshold into the house.
As I entered, three human heads that were severed, hung on the wall before my eyes. It had
begun again. The clear suspect: a hand floating in mid-air, like a scene from Macbeth, with a
giant knife dripping with crimson blood. As I stumbled in disbelief, a deep voice shouted
from all directions ‘Welcome to your doom!’ ...
... I ran. I ran with focus and intent into the other room. I was hoping to find someone to
help me instead I caught glimpses of myself looking back at me. I quickly tried to make sense
of what I was seeing and then I realised - it was a giant hall of mirrors. Loudly, the sound of
the door slamming behind me could be heard like a drum calling the start to battle. I turned
and noted that it had now transformed into a metal wall. No door frame, door knob ... no
escape. I knew I couldn’t give up. I continued to look for an exit ... from this room and this
nightmare. Everytime I saw what I thought to be the exit door and blinked, I was suddenly
back where I started. There was truly no getting out! As I slouched to the floor in dismay,
the old man’s face appeared in the mirrors this time. He was laughing at me. Taunting me.
He teased, “So, you fell into my trap then ... but where am I?”
Comment [J208]: Range of paragraphs
shaped and crafted for imaginative effect.
Comment [J209]: Intertextualising
with other texts which might link with
same genre being explored.
Comment [J210]: Figurative language
to create effect – building tone and
tension.
Comment [J211]: Simple sentences for
effect.
“You know who I am. You know where I am. The most evil sorcerer of all time ... the man
who murdered millions, lost my memory and brought back fifty seven years to rebuild
myself properly. You see ... there is a reason you can see me. That reason is ... because ... I
AM YOU!”
I wanted to be sick. I wanted to scream out loud. I felt full of horror and disgust. What was
happening? This could not be. This man was the spirit of my former soul! Without thinking, I
ran up to the mirrors. My left fist rose high in the air and I punched the mirrored glass
taunting me before me. It seemed to unleash something in me. I punched, I smashed and I
kicked it down. There was a silence and a pause. Quickly, all the mirrors, not just the one I
had taken my fear and frustration out of, started to smash to the ground too. As if by magic,
a cascade of sharp daggers fell spectacularly to the ground. The shards pointed at me
threateningly ... but I was beyond fear and worry now.
The floor was a mess ... my friend was nowhere in sight ... my journey had been a nightmare
... but the metal wall now unfolded. I was free ... and I ran ... as fast as I could.
Comment [J212]: Build up of emotion
– intensifying the tension.
Comment [J213]: Sophisticated
vocabulary choices.
Comment [J214]: Ending seems abrupt
in balance with the crafted and developed
opening.
What this work does well – what makes it a level 7 (level 7c):
 The piece engages the reader taking them on a journey into this protagonist’s evolving
nightmare experience – it begins with a hook which is carried throughout the writing.
 A range of sentence types are used throughout this piece – achieving on the whole purpose
and effect. Very little loss of control.
 A range of features employed to craft sentences that show individual flair, contributing to
overall effect of this genre. This matching of sentence structures to meaning and effect is
extended through the development of action and plot.
 Increasingly more sophisticated use of ambitious vocabulary placed for effect – well
matched to audience and purpose.
 The centrality of the first person narrator recounting personal thoughts and feelings is
convincingly maintained.
 The opening paragraph sets the scene and tone and quickly establishes the problem –
subsequent paragraphs develop and further explain the unfolding situation. (see below)
 Sentence syntax is largely consistently accurate as too is the demarcation of sentences.
There is some range of punctuation devices used – a semicolon, inverted commas, ellipsis
etc to support direct speech, commas to mark clauses – but their use is limited, although
there are no real omissions that might impede understanding.
 Numerous examples of figurative language used to achieve intended effect – images
judiciously chosen.
 Examples of pause of expectancy and also pauses for increase in dramatic tension are
cleverly built in.
How this work can get to the next sub –level:
 Although this student clearly displays an imaginative and ambitious use of vocabulary and
expression, this piece hits largely the level 7c criteria. To get to levels 7b and higher the
actual story would need to be consistently ‘authentic’ (taking into account the expected
features of a horror genre) ... in the sense that parts of the narrative seemed a little rushed
and jumped in continuity and flow i.e. the subject matter would need to be managed and
textually coherent.
Teaching points:
 Effective planning (from student) and modelling (from teacher) of how to build and blend
ideas judiciously and effortlessly into own writing.
 Focus on the ending of the story to create pace and balance throughout i.e. not a well
crafted opening and rushed closure.
 Analyse and deconstruct model examples of this genre and plot pace, rising tension and
organised structure to create effect.
 Focus on shaping of paragraphs e.g. look at how last sentence might echo the first, etc.
Answers for moderation tasks
PUPIL
LEVEL
Pupil G
Pupil V
Pupil F
Pupil S
Pupil X
Pupil M
Pupil T
Pupil B
Pupil Y
Pupil D
Pupil K
Pupil W
Pupil A
Pupil E
Pupil C
Pupil H
Pupil P
Level 1c
Level 1b
Level 1a
Level 2c
Level 2b
Level 2a
Level 3c
Level 3b
Level 3a
Level 4c
Level 4b
Level 4a
Level 5c
Level 5b
Level 5a
Level 6
Level 7
** The term ‘up-levelling’ is used in places. This is where the student will proof their work with a
view of developing it with skills from a target level.
WRITING ACROSS THE PYRAMID