http://www.deseretnews.com/
SIBLING
RELATIONSHIPS
CALLED LONGEST
LASTING
When people think of long-term relationships, they usually
think of parents and spouses. But the most lasting
relationship is with siblings, says behavioral specialist Tom
Lee.
Lee, a family and human development specialist in the Utah
State University College of Family Life, said, "We knew our
brothers and sisters before our spouses and will likely be
associated with them longer than our parents." Severalra of
the year's most popular movies deal with relationship
conflicts between brothers and sisters. For most people
sibling relationships are the longest and least well-defined
relationship in their lives, he said.
"These relationships have the potential to be warm,
supportive and to provide a sense of security and belonging.
Although most adults see their siblings infrequently, they
remain an important kinship throughout the years," Lee said.
Studies disclose that the majority of adult siblings feel close
to each other emotionally, share a sense of responsibility
towards each other and would like to live closer to each
other.
Despite their indicated feelings, nearly half those surveyed
only saw their siblings once or twice a year.
Lee said holidays are the usual times when people maintain
ties with brothers and sisters. As families move, pursue
careers and have their own children, ties with siblings
become secondary.
Although research indicates that visits are infrequent, Lee
said siblings still provide each other with an important sense
of belonging and shared history.
"Even though most of the adults surveyed had never asked a
sibling for help during a money or health crisis, many said
they could, if needed. They also said they would, in turn,
help a brother or sister if necessary."
Although this sense of security is hard to measure, it is
nevertheless valuable in an insecure world, Lee said.
by Michele Cohn
Sibling Placement for Children in Foster Care Sibling relationships are
essential to children, and the maintenance of sibling ties “can nurture a sense
of stability and continuity in the lives of foster youth” (Herrick & Piccus,
2005, 851). Oftentimes, “children who are abused or neglected by their
caregivers have especially strong ties to one another” (Washington, 2007,
426) and separating them may cause additional trauma. Moreover, the
emotional support of the sibling bond can provide “a sense of safety”
(Shlonsky, Bellamy, Elkins, & Ashare, 2005, 698) as children enter foster
care. In addition, “children in care are likely to form sibling-like
relationships with non-related children in their placements...[such as] other
foster children...[or] related children in kinship placements” (TarrenSweeney & Hazell, 2005, 839). Thus, many children who view themselves
as siblings are not biologically related. As a result, professionals must “seek
the views of children” (Hindle, 2000, 623) in making an accurate assessment
of sibling relationships. Furthermore, there are many factors that determine
the placement of siblings in foster care. Some of the positive predictors of
joint sibling placement are when siblings are close in age, from a smaller
group, of the same sex, living in kinship care or when they enter at the same
time (Shlonsky, Webster, & Needell, 2003). In contrast, the negative
predictors include larger sibling groups who are not close in age, older
children, those in group homes and siblings who do not enter simultaneously
(Tarren-Sweeney & Hazell, 2005). In addition, there are circumstances when
professionals determine that siblings should not be placed together, such as
“situations where there are safety concerns such as sibling abuse or extreme
trauma that is triggered by sibling contact” (Herrick & Piccus, 2005, 847). It
is essential that we recognize the importance of the sibling relationship and
that “former foster children...live on as adults. [They] make their way
through the world with whatever family they have left...[and] siblings may
well turn out to be the most important family members in the lives of these
young people (Shlonsky et al., 2003, 51). It is not only best practice to place
siblings together in foster care, but the issue has gained increased attention
in child welfare legislation following enactment of the Fostering
Connections to Success and Increasing Adoptions Act of 2008. Passed on
October 7, 2008, the Act was “the first piece of federal legislation
specifically addressing the problem of keeping siblings together”
(McCormick, 2010, 204).
Facts and Statistics • “The National Adoption Information
Clearinghouse estimates that 65-85% of U.S. foster children come from
siblings groups, and studies of siblings in the child welfare system suggest
that 60% to 73% of U.S. foster children have siblings who also enter foster
care” (Hegar, 2005, 718). • “Siblings who entered the foster care system
within 30 days of each other had almost 4 times the odds of residing together
than children who entered care at different times” (Shlonsky et al., 2003,
41). • “White sibling pairs were far less likely to be together in placement
than were black, Hispanic, or mixed-race children. Twenty percent of white
sibling pairs were placed together, compared to 58% African American,
62% Hispanic and 67% mixed-race pairs” (Staff & Fein, 1992, 264). •
“Studies show that larger sibling groups are more likely than smaller groups
to be placed separately, not only because fewer foster homes are willing to
accept large groups of children, but also because large sibling groups are less
likely to enter foster care at the same time” (Washington, 2007, 431). •
“Children in sibling groups where the age span between the oldest and
youngest member exceeded 4 years had about half the odds of being placed
all together than children with an age span between oldest and youngest of 4
years or less” (Shlonsky et al., 2003, 42). • “Children in group care had
twice the odds of being separated, whereas children with siblings in related
care were much less likely to be separated” (Wulczyn & Zimmerman, 2005,
761).
• “Preschoolers placed with siblings had a higher rate of psychological
problems prior to placement, but despite this history, showed significantly
fewer emotional and behavioral problems in placement than those separated
from their siblings” (Tarren-Sweeney & Hazell, 2005, 837).
https://chronicleofsocialchange.org/blogger-co-op/the-psychological-consequences-ofseparating-siblings-in-foster-care/299
The Psychological Consequences of Separating
Siblings in Foster Care
The psychological stigma associated with being labeled an “orphan,” “foster child,”
“ward of the court” or “at-risk youth” can play havoc with one’s self-esteem. The terms
used to describe our lowly social status say that we are less than other kids: less fortunate,
less worthy, less good, less capable, less important, less lovable … less almost
everything.
Many of us are so distressed by what happened at home or in the system that we develop
behavioral disorders, emotional problems or other mental health issues that compromise
our ability to overcome the past and adjust to the future. Still others of us feel ashamed of
our youth and spend a lifetime hiding from the past – or struggling to forget it.
At best, the experience of being separated from family and placed in the care of strangers
leaves a bloody scab on the psyche that may never quite heal.
Take, for example, the psychological consequences associated with placing siblings in
separate settings. On page 95 of Growing Up in the Care of Strangers, alumna Dr.
Debraha Watson writes:
“Keeping siblings together must be a priority. It is paramount that foster children retain
some sense of familial identity. It is difficult enough for us to deal with removal from our
parents or other adult family members, but by also separating us from our brothers and
sisters, we now are stripped of all sense of family – cut adrift, alone and unconnected to
anything or anyone.”
Indeed, those alumni who lost touch with brothers and sisters in foster care know this fact
intuitively. Being left all alone, bereft of parents … and now siblings … is often too
much emotional pain to bear. That is why foster kids deprived of sibling connections are
prone to spurn relationships, act out and endure mental health issues in the care of
strangers. Furthermore, their relationships with siblings will likely suffer long after
leaving foster care.
On page 115 of her revealing 2011 memoir, If Not for Dreams: memoir of a foster child,
Dr. Debraha Watson describes her lost connection with her younger sister and brother:
”Graduation day finally arrived. For the first time in our lives Lois, Sandy and I were
together. It was both a happy and uncomfortable time. Sandy had never met Lois, and I
had not seen Sandy in years. At fourteen, he stood on the edge of manhood. I
remembered him as a whiny little boy that I always had to take care of. Our conversation
was awkward. It was as if we were all strangers who sensed a connection and were
trying to reach out to each other. Unfortunately, time and separation were the barriers.
We were no longer what we remembered of each other.”
We certainly realize factors such as the number of siblings, their ages and special needs
complicate, and sometimes preclude, placing brothers and sisters under the same roof.
However, we also realize siblings that do not live in the same home should be encouraged
to maintain their relationship through phone calls, texts, e-mails, cards, letters and
especially regular visits.
In a personal communication with us, Dr. Watson encapsulated the essence of why every
effort should be made to preserve sibling relationships this way:
“Sustained contact between siblings helps foster kids to maintain the emotional stability
and family ties that will benefit them during placement and long after they exit the
child welfare system. Often we older siblings experience feelings of guilt and loss. I still
deal with survivors guilt as I have lived beyond my brother. I survive believing that one
day we will see each other again and claim our lives anew.”
Dr. Waln Brown is CEO of the William Gladden Foundation, and Dr. John Seita
is Assistant Professor of Social Work at Michigan State University. Their latest e-book,
A Foster Care Manifesto, is a call to action for the 12 million foster care alumni in
America.
From North Carolina division of Child Welfare Social Workers
Why Separate Siblings?
They can be comforters, caretakers, role models, spurs to achievement, faithful
allies, and best friends. No matter how close they are, most brothers and sisters
share years of experiences that form a bond, a common foundation they do not
have with anyone else (Viorst, 1986). If parents are unable to provide the
necessary care, sibling attachments can be even closer (Banks & Kahn, 1982).
Brothers and sisters separated from each other in foster care experience trauma,
anger, and an extreme sense of loss. Research suggests that separating siblings
may make it difficult for them to begin a healing process, make attachments, and
develop a healthy self-image (McNamara, 1990). Indeed, because of the
reciprocal affection they share, separated siblings often feel they have lost a part
of themselves.
It stands to reason, then, that the decision to place siblings separately should be
made with great care. This article will consider some of the factors used to make
this decision and provide suggestions for helping children when separation must
occur.
Common Reasons
In her article, Sibling Ties in Foster Care and Adoption Planning, Margaret Ward
identifies two primary reasons siblings are separated during placement (1984).
The first is a lack of resources: most agencies do not have many homes that can
accommodate sibling groups, especially large ones.
The second reason has to do with the needs of the children in the sibling group.
The individual needs of siblings can be quite diverse; sometimes a social worker
fears that a single foster family cannot adequately meet all of the children's
needs. For instance, if one child is more needy than his siblings, it is assumed he
would receive better care as the only child in a foster home. This is not
necessarily the case, however. According to Ward, "To place a child as an only
child or as one of a small family subjects the child to concentrated attention and
concentrated hopes of the foster parents. This can be stressful because the foster
parents may expect the child to change more rapidly than he is able" (p. 325).
Factors to Consider
In her book A Child's Journey Through Placement, Vera Fahlberg advises social
workers to consider a number of factors before separating siblings (see
"Guidelines for Separating Siblings"). In her article, Ward identifies four factors
that need to be considered in deciding whether to separate siblings. First,
determine the strength of the ties between the siblings. One way to assess this is
by looking at the length of time the siblings have already been apart. If they have
been apart, were they placed close enough to maintain contact through school,
church, or otherwise? Age at separation can influence the strength of the ties
between siblings. Generally, the older the child, the closer the attachment and the
more traumatic the separation.
A second factor to consider is whether one of the siblings has assumed a parental
role. If so, is the effect on the sibling group negative or positive? For example,
"parentified" siblings may undermine foster parents, or they may help everyone
in the group accept the placement.
A third factor to consider is the degree and nature of sibling rivalry. While some
rivalry is normal, when it is extreme it can be disruptive to the whole family.
Finally, ask the children themselves: do they want to be placed together? This
can be the most important factor of all, especially in adoption situations.
Helping Siblings Adjust
When siblings have to be separated, effort should be made to maintain frequent
contact through visits, phone calls, and letters. It is important for the social
worker to be sensitive to the loss the children are feeling. Workers should follow
the same practice guidelines involved in helping children deal with separation
from their parents (see "Helping a Child Through a Permanent Separation").
Separation and loss anxiety will be strongest immediately before or after
placement.
References
Banks, S. P., & Kahn, M. D. (1982). The sibling bond. New York: Basic Books, Inc.
Fahlberg, V. I. (1991). A child's journey through placement. Indianapolis, IN: Perspectives Press.
Hegar, R. (1988). Legal and social work approaches to sibling separation in foster care. Child
Welfare, 67(2), 113-121.
Hegar, R. (1988). Sibling relationships and separations: Implications for child placement. Social
Service Review, 62(3), 446-467.
McNamara, J. & McNamara, B. Adoption and the sexually abused child. Human Services
Development Institute, Univ. of Southern Maine.
Timberlake, E. & Hamlin, E. (1982). The sibling group: A neglected dimension of placement. Child
Welfare, 61(8), 545-552.
Viorst, J. (1986). Necessary losses. New York: Simon and Schuster.
Ward, M. (1984). Sibling ties in foster care and adoption planning. Child Welfare, 63(4), 321-32.
© 1997 Jordan Institute for Families
The importance of siblings
https://www.psychologies.co.uk/importance-siblings
Our longest-lasting relationships can often be the most complex, says Emma
Cook, but understanding the bond with our brothers and sisters can improve our
lives in powerful ways
16 August 2011 } by Psychologies
'My sister and I are very close and we’re in touch a lot, yet it’s not an easy
relationship’, says Marie, 36, of her sister Kate, who is two years older. ‘Often
I’ll come off the phone feeling irritated and somehow dissatisfied. She manages
to stir up emotions I don’t like, much more so than my friends or even my
parents.’
A sibling relationship is likely to be the most enduring of our lives. The impact
they have on our young and adult lives is enormous – they shape our history
and our character, to a far greater extent than is usually acknowledged. The
book Siblings In Development, edited by psychotherapists Vivienne Lewin and
Belinda Sharp, states ‘siblings are not just second editions in relation to the
parents, but have a profound importance in their own right. Relationships with
siblings are ineradicably fixed in our psyches.’
Dr Terri Apter, child psychologist and author of The Sister Knot, says siblings
‘know you better than anyone. They may not always admire you, but they’ll
always be intensely interested in you. If you ask a sibling to describe a parent, a
friend or a sibling, it is the sibling that the child will describe with most
sophistication and detail, in terms of their character and habits. This is why
they are so significant.’
A study tracking almost 300 men from the late 1930s to the present day has
shed new light on the importance of the sibling bond. According to the Harvard
Study of Adult Development, 93 per cent of the men who were thriving at 65
had been close to a sibling in their early life. The study also reports that poorer
relationships with siblings before the age of 20 could be a predictor of
depression later in life, suggesting that the longer we can sustain close sibling
relationships in adulthood, the more it can benefit and protect us emotionally.
Think about siblings around you, as well as your own, and consider how many
of them really get on well, are truly happy, harmonious and close. Chances are
they are few and far between. ‘Many of my clients get on badly with siblings,
which could partly be down to the family dynamics of why they’re seeing me,’
says psychologist and therapist Martin Lloyd-Elliott. ‘Even so, anecdotally, I
would say only a third of people I know report getting on well with siblings.’
Classic sibling dynamics often depend on what position we hold in the family.
Elder children can often feel usurped when a younger one comes along and
these feelings of rivalry can last well into adulthood. Many studies show that
sisters tend to be closer to one another and that the worst age for bickering –
regardless of gender – is when the elder child is 13 and the second-born is 10
years old. These dynamics are further complicated if stepsiblings are involved.
‘Constant competition may well shape our life script, leading us to filter every
subsequent human interaction through the distorting prism of our original
relationship with our siblings,’ says Lloyd-Elliott. ‘We’re all immersed in the
unique culture of our particular home situation. Inevitably, any siblings who
share that environment with us have an enormous influence on our overall
experience of the world and we carry this forwards, often unconsciously, into
our adult lives.’
In childhood it is often easier to express those negative feelings, but as we grow
older, we try to suppress unpleasant feelings such as envy and anger. This is
why so many siblings drift apart. ‘I was close to my brother as a young girl, but
when I was nine I was sent to boarding school while he went to a day school,’
says Karen, 38. ‘I was so jealous of the fact that he stayed at home, but I also
felt guilty and found it easier to keep my distance rather than admit this to him.
It’s only now we’ve both got children that I feel able to see more of him.’
Meanwhile her brother remains unaware of his sister’s intense feelings.
Maybe this is why Lloyd-Elliott reports a certain confusion among many of the
clients. They are aware that there is something amiss in their sibling
relationships but unable to pinpoint why. ‘People speak to me rather wistfully
of when they did get on well and are left thinking, “Where did that intense
relationship go?”’ For those siblings who never got on as children, there is hope
of a closer relationship as they grow older, says child-development specialist
Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer. ‘Boys show jealousy and hatred in a much more
physical way. It does seem to go on longer but, once they establish their adult
identities, they feel they are respected,’ she says. ‘There can be a lot of pretence
around sisters getting on, but beneath that there is more manipulation and
nastiness than you get with brothers.’
The truth is that if you really didn’t get on with your siblings, there’s only one
way to change the pattern in adulthood, which is determination and the will to
work it out. ‘I remember one brother and sister who came to couple therapy
because they felt it was so important to restore their relationship and I found
that very moving,’ says Lloyd-Elliott. Watching my own children, I can see
their bond is complex and intense, full of extreme displays of frustration,
resentment but also intimacy and love. For their sake, I hope they can sustain
that closeness in adulthood without the rivalry that seems so second nature to
them now. You may compete with your siblings all your life, but you also love
them and are deeply bonded to them. We need to accept that this is the most
layered of our relationships and fight to keep it alive. The intimate history that
siblings share can create tension, too.
‘I see a lot of people who still have difficulty being authentic with their siblings
and find it very hard to talk to them,’ says psychologist Lucy Beresford.
‘Sometimes they feel a lot freer when they’re away from the nest. This is
because many adult siblings don’t know each other as well as they did as
children.’
Most of us change and carve out niches to differentiate ourselves from our
family, so it can feel crushing to be constantly reminded of a former self that
we’ve worked hard to leave behind. ‘It infuriates me that my elder sibling still
sees me as this amusing but skittish younger sister,’ says Louisa, 34. ‘She even
calls me Mia – her daughter’s name – by accident, which makes it abundantly
clear how she views me.’
Part of forging mature sibling relationships means getting to know our siblings
all over again. There are so many advantages of sibling relationships that can
and should be nurtured. ‘You’re more likely to hold the same core values, a
similar sense of origin and place, and an accumulation of shared crucial
moments,’ says Lloyd-Elliott, ‘as well as family history on which to build.’
He believes sibling relationships can decline once we leave home because we
don’t nurture them as we would romantic relationships and close friendships.
Instead, we tend to be quite fatalistic about the way we behave with our
siblings and assume that’s how it will always be. ‘They shouldn’t be something
we take for granted,’ says Lloyd-Elliott. ‘Every relationship requires constant
nourishment, as well as mutual respect. Your siblings are no exception.’
Bonding Activities for Siblings
by Christina Schnell
http://living.thebump.com/bonding-activities-siblings-15285.html
When you pictured your children interacting, you imagined they'd laugh and giggle and
be each other's playmates while you happily congratulated yourself for not raising
children like the neighbor's, who constantly threatened each other with physical violence.
Fast forward a few years and your own sweet angels are constantly trying to exclude each
other or squabbling over an empty tube of toilet paper while slinging touching phrases
like, "You ruin everything!" and "I hate you!" Bonding and sibling friendships often
require some parental facilitation, but the payoff will be worth it.
Building Together
A constructive activity that lets each child complete her own task while working
alongside the other is a good way to begin a bond between siblings that get along like oil
and water. For example, let the kids use the furniture cushions to make their own forts in
the same room so they're forced into reasonable proximity. Encourage them to "host"
each other and show the other sibling the different areas of the fort. Or, have them each
build a castle out of blocks or plastic interlocking blocks. Tell each child to think of
something nice to say about the other's construction. If your tykes are generally
cooperative, they can build something together. Note that building a single construction
will only work if your kids can reliably play together for more than few minutes without
screaming, crying or wrecking the other's creation.
Helping Each Other
Encouraging your children to help each other is one of the most effective ways to help
them bond. Even if it means you still have to supervise, ask the preschooler to help the
toddler put on her pajamas for bed or put on her shoes in the morning before school.
Also, ask the younger one to help the older child set the table or feed the dog. Make sure
the younger ones help out the senior kids as much as the older children help the younger
siblings. Otherwise, the older child may begin resenting her role of built-in babysitter and
further dislike her siblings.
Baking Together
Baking is a great activity for siblings who get along, or at least are civil, but who aren't
bonded. Under close supervision, let the children take turns stirring, pouring and shaking.
Let the older one help the younger child by holding the bowl steady while he stirs the
mixture. With your guidance, older toddlers and preschoolers can knead dough or help
decorate cookies. When the time comes, the siblings can enjoy eating the creation
together.
Surprising Each Other
Let an older sibling choose a new T-shirt for a younger child. While grocery shopping,
ask a younger one to pick out some fruit she thinks her sister would like. It's okay if they
hear the other's suggestion; they might be pleasantly surprised how much their siblings
know about their preferences. Encouraging them to pick surprises for their siblings gets
them thinking about each other in a thoughtful and caring way. Remind the recipient to
thank the sibling who chose the surprise, even if it wasn't her favorite or first choice.
Hands on as we grow (website)
5 Activities to Help Strengthen Sibling
Relationships
Today’s post has great parenting tips and activity ideas to help
strengthen sibling relationships shared by Sarah of How Wee Learn.
Have you ever said: “Please never put his foot in your mouth” or
“Jumping over the baby isn’t a funny game”?
If so, you must be the Mama of siblings. I truly feel that having multiple
children is wonderful. But there are certainly unique challenges. One of
which is helping to create strong sibling relationships.
Here are 5 Activities that Nurture the
Sibling Bond.
1. Compete against Mom and Dad
Competition, in general, does not do much for my wee ones bonds.
But… team up and compete against Mom and Dad – and watch those kids
unite!
Physical games are ideal – tag, flags, hide and seek, or a water fight. Mom and
Dad versus the kids is tons of fun for both sides. A water fight especially may
be just be the motivation your kids need to work together – the opportunity to
soak their parents!
2. Super Messy Play
One of the main differences in our house between the adults and the children is
level of enjoyment out of messy things.
I am all for messes for the sake of fun and learning. But, being completely
honest, I would be perfectly fine without participating in ‘slime’, ‘gloop’, or
‘gluck’ activities.
However my kids, I do believe, may perish without being able to get crazy
messy. So my wee ones bond over their utter love for playing with (messy and
kind of gross) doughs. It doesn’t really matter what their mutual interest is, find
whatever it may be for your kids – and jump all over it! Even if it means you
have kids with slime in their beds. (I wish I was joking … I have no idea how it
got in his bed!)
P.S. Find 10 ways to keep messy play clean so it doesn’t get too out of hand!
3. Make Birthdays a Big Deal
We do big birthdays in our house. Not big in cost or style – just big on
celebrating our special birthday boy or girl.
In our house, it is their one very special day to be all about them. They get to
choose dinner, games, activities, special snacks, everything! And we aim to
spend the whole day making, doing, and being as a family.
Since our focus is on activities and time, we don’t get too much jealousy – as
everyone is participating. And since everyone has a birthday, everyone knows
they get a special day too. Each brother or sister has a full day to think about
and appreciate the birthday boy or girl.
A great boost to sibling relationships.
Once a year we do a great big sister and brothers sleep over.
4. Have an Annual Sibling Sleepover Party
In our house it takes place on Christmas Eve. It started the very first year
Madeline became a big sister. She slept on the floor by Sam’s crib. It has been
a much loved family tradition ever since. The kids now all sleep on the floor,
snuggled in (and eventually … eventually) sleeping mound.
There is tons of giggling and story telling and snacking that goes on. Including
a lot of sneakiness that I pretend not to know about (cookies at 10 o’clock? Just
once a year).
This has been such a wonderful bonding tradition for my wee ones.
5. Family Time
Spending time together as a family is a wonderful way for siblings to bond.
Going on outings, having many experiences, and spending lots of time as a
complete family (whatever that may look like for you) is important for
bonding. It will give your wee ones memories and lots of “remember when!”
opportunities. We have many traditions that we do every year in the hopes that
when our wee ones get older they will still want to participate in these family
outings.
I have realized that arguments will happen and, that just as quickly, the giggles
will happen too. And at the end of the day, my three truly do love and care
about each other.
Having multiple kids can certainly pose some challenges. And I am sure you
say things every day that you never thought you would (“Why is there slime in
your brother’s bed?”) But I am so happy that my wee ones have siblings to
grow, love, and learn with.