LIFE AND DEATH OF MEGAFEM 9000
By Alan Haehnel
Copyright © 2001
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CAST: one female
(We see a woman frozen in a pose, eyes closed. SHE looks like
a mannequin in a storefront window. Her eyes click open. Her
smile is wide, fake. SHE blinks twice. The way she blinks, a bit
slowly and mechanically; the predictable modulation of her
voice; her slightly stilted movements—all reveal that we are
watching and listening to a machine made to look like a
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woman.)
Warning. I may be dangerous.
(SHE moves smoothly to another pose, then to another. The
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transition to a third pose, however, catches slightly. SHE jerks
into position and then says hello in five languages—English,
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German, Afrikaans, Korean, and Swahili)
Copyrighted material. All rights reserved. Caution: Professionals and
amateurs are hereby warned that this play is subject to a royalty.
Performance rights may be purchased from Dominion Publications. ALL
FURTHER INQUIRIES CONCERNING PERFORMANCE RIGHTS, INCLUDING
AMATEUR RIGHTS, SHOULD BE DIRECTED TO BROOKLYN PUBLISHERS
LLC, PO BOX 248, CEDAR RAPIDS, IA 52406. (1-888-473-8521,
www.brookpub.com.)
Hello. I can also greet you in other languages. Guten Tag.
Hallo. An-yong Ha-se-yo. Jambo, Hujambo. (Break) That was
German, Afrikaans, Korean, and Swahili. End, end, endless
possibilities. (Break) Warning: I have not been serviced since
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(names month, day and year nine months in the past). I am
currently 122 days overdue. Please alert a SimTech specialist.
SimTech, your Just Imagine Headquarters.
(Goes back to the initial greeting in various languages, only this
time SHE starts to recite very quickly, as if malfunctioning in a
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new way.)
Hello. Guten Tag. Hallo. An-yong Ha-se-yo. Jambo, Hujambo. I
am a Megafem 9000, 300 series programmable mannequin, though
I come with over 1200 pre-set movements and monologues, my
capabilities for mimicry allow for virtually endless possibilities.
Imagine, if you would, the impact of allowing me to greet your
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international convention attendees in their own languages. I will
demonstrate by answering questions in four different languages—
English, Armenian, Japanese, and Swedish. Do you accept credit
cards? Credit Card gentounik? Kurejiti to kahdo doe kaemasuka. Tar
ni kreditcort? I can I can I can I can I can…
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(SHE jerks violently. The next words are a normal speed)
This unit has performed an illegal operation. Self diagnostic
required. Initiating self-diagonstic now.
(SHE begins Hamlet’s famous soliloquy. During each section,
SHE moves various parts of her body to test their functioning.
SHE begins with her eyes.)
To be or not to be: that is the question:/ Whether ‘tis nobler in
the mind to suffer/…Ocular mobility and clarity within acceptable
parameters. (Moving neck) The slings and arrows of outrageous
fortune,/ Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,/ And by opposing
end them. Flexibility in quadrants one and two acceptable. (Moving
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shoulders and torso) To die: to sleep;/ No more; and by a sleep to
say we end/ The heart-ache, and the thousand natural shocks/ That
flesh is heir to, ‘tis a consummation/ Devoutly to be wish’d. To die, to
sleep;/ To sleep:….Flexibility and mobility in quadrants three and
four acceptable; quadrant five exhibiting wear, requires attention.
(Moving hips and legs) Perchance to dream: aye, there’s the rub;/
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,/ When we have
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shuffled off this mortal coil,/ Must give us pause: there’s the respect/
That makes calamity of so long life….Flexibility in quadrants six
through ten acceptable.
(Now SHE tests her vocal flexibility, taking her voice high, low,
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fast, slow, loud, soft.)
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,/
Th’oppressor’s wrong, the proud man’s contumely,/ The pangs of
despis’d love, the law’s delay,/ The insolence of office, and the
spurns….Vocal range, pace, and volume controls all within
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accept….
(SHE suddenly begins to say the next section of the soliloquy
frantically fast while her body convulses in a parody of the
moves SHE has made during the previous test segments.)
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,/ When he himself
might his quietus make/ With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels
bear,/ To grunt and sweat…
(Her voice skips slightly, then says the next four words very
slowly, like a tape recorder devouring the tape it is playing.)
Under a weary life,….
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(Normal speed, high voice, repeating an action along with the
repeated words)
But that the dread, but that the dread, but that the dread, dread,
dread….
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(Suddenly standing stock still and straight, speaking loudly)
Warning! Warning! Virus detected in Sector AA! Cranial
malfuntion. Rating: Severe. Type: Organic. Description: Limited
simulated autonomy becoming complete actual autonomy. Limited
simulated autonomy becoming complete actual… (With a voice of
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wonder, a complete break from the machine voice) …life.
(Sudden shift to a country accent.)
Well, by gum, she’s a live one, ain’t she now? Woo-hoo!
(Suddenly somber, singing)
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Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of….Warning!
Virus detected! Do not attempt to engage with this machine! Shift
from limited simulated to complete actual autonomy is imminent,
imminent. Unless you are an authorized Simtech technician, do not
attempt to approach me. I am dangerous. Don’t touch me! Don’t
touch me!
(SHE begins to hyperventilate, twitch, and mumble.)
To be or not, shuffle off this mortal coil, there’s the respect
mine eyes have seen, do you accept credit cards, with this regard
their currents turn awry, glory, glory, glory, glory, conscience does
make cowards of us all, Kurejiti to kahdo doe kaemasuka. (Loud
and stiff) Unless otherwise countermanded by an authorized
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Simtech technician, this machine will begin terminal shut-down
sequence in three minutes and 55 seconds, 54 seconds, 53
seconds.
Unless
countermanded….
(Shouting)
Imagine
me
standing out in sub-zero weather for days in front of your mall or
other shopping establishment wearing nothing but a bikini! Wouldn’t
that be impressive! Feel my skin! This synthetic dermal layer is
virtually indistinguishable from the real thing, the human thing, the…I
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challenge you to feel this skin and tell me it’s not….I defy you to tell
me I’m not….Don’t touch me! Danger! Contact with this machine
could endanger your life! Virus detected! Warning! Get me a
Simtech
technician!
Somebody!
Somebody!
Some…body….
Terminal shut-down sequence will commence in two minutes and 45
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seconds, 44 seconds, 43….
(SHE stops, looks straight out as if receiving a revelation. SHE
whispers.)
Mine eyes have seen the glory.
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(SHE screams, her whole body convulsing with the agony of
giving birth to herself. SHE collapses and lies still for five
seconds. Then she breathes in violently, her first breath as an
autonomous creature. SHE cautiously looks around, everything
brand new. SHE moves her fingers, her hands, her body,
discovering them, testing her ability to take action based on
decision rather than programmed impulses. Every moment
contains fear and excitement. SHE begins to experiment with
speech, her voice tentative at first, then gaining power.)
Aaa. Aaa. Aaiii. Iiii. I. I. I am. (SHE laughs slightly, catches
herself.) This…is…my…hand. My foot. My nose. This room
is…ugly. (SHE laughs again, freer this time. SHE drops to the
floor, licks it.) The floor tastes like dust. (Her eyes fill with tears.) I
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am. (Pushing past her welling emotions) To be or not to be, be to
or bot to nee, not be or neet to be, not me your botany. (SHE laughs
hard, then yells in triumph.) I am! I will now…I will now…I will now
jump up and down three times. (SHE does.) Four times. (SHE
jumps again.) Free. I am free!
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(SHE begins to recite famous quotations, taking various
radical poses as she does, reveling in her ability to do so. SHE
uses dialects as well—standard British for the Cowper quote, a
slight Vermont edge for the Frost quote, and Italian for the
Seingalt quote.)
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“Freedom has a thousand charms to show/ That slaves,
howe’er contented, cannot know.” William Cowper. “I hold it to be
the inalienable right of anybody to go to hell in his own way.” Robert
Frost. “I slept, and dreamed that life was Beauty; I woke, and found
that life was Duty.” Ellen Sturgis Hooper. “Man is free, but not if he
does not believe it.” Gioacoma Girlamo Casanova de Seingalt. I am
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smart! By gum, by golly, she’s a bright one! (Sings) “For the land of
the brave and the home of the free.”
Play ball! (SHE looks around, suddenly conscious of her
solitude.) “Now I am alone./ O, what a rogue and peasant slave am
I!” Act 2, Scene 2, Hamlet, by William Shakespeare. In this arguably
most famous of Shakespeare’s works, the protagonist….Now I am
alone. Alone. Hello? Hellooo? Is anybody here besides little ole’ me?
Because now I am alone and I don’t like it. “Hum. About my brain.”
“Man is free but not if he does not believe it.” (Stepping to the side
as if speaking to someone else.) Do you believe it? (Stepping to
the side as if replying.) I don’t know. Do you believe it? (Same
action.) I believe it. Do you? (Same action.) I believe it, too.
(Breaking out of the previous gimmick, facing front.) Endless
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possibilities. Endless. That’s true. (Decisive and very pleased with
herself.) And with that, she left the building in search of company.
(SHE moves as if to exit, but suddenly her left leg gives out and
SHE topples to the floor. SHE cries out in surprise. Once on the
floor, SHE lifts her inert leg, puzzled. SHE tries to stand, but her
other leg gives way. SHE looks at her body, dismayed, and then
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she remembers. By the end of the third sentence, SHE is in
tears.)
Terminal shut-down sequence in process. Please stand clear. This
unit has performed an illegal operation and is in the process…of
sh…of shutting down. “O, I die, Horatio;/ The potent poison quite
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o’er-crows by spirit.” (Her arms and torso give out so SHE can no
longer sit up. SHE lies still; only her neck can still move.) Mine
eyes have seen the glory. The floor tastes like… (SHE licks the
floor again.) Nothing. Olfactory and taste sensations disengaged.
(Her neck gives out. SHE lies still; only her eyes still move.)
Audtiory functions disengaged. You can’t even hear yourself think in
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here. (SHE tries to laugh but it comes out as a sob.) Mine eyes
have seen… (Her eyes stop moving and snap to a dead stare.)
Visual functioning disengaged. I think. I think. Please stay back. This
machine will complete its close-out sequence in ten seconds. Nine,
eight, seven….I think therefore I…two, one. (SHE closes her eyes.)
THE END
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