Straight Talk XLIX Trust Football and Musings February 2 2013 As football winds down with the Super Bowl this weekend and the concluded national championship game, a few thoughts. Having watched and participated in football in various forms for much of my life, I've developed a simple premise. When teams are fairly evenly matched, you see the team with the best players lead in the first half, and the team with the best coaches win the second half. In the Falcons/49ers game the split was first quarter/last three quarters. In the National Championship game, because the teams were so unevenly matched, it was 60 minutes/0 minutes. In the Harbaugh Bowl, Super Bowl XLVII on Sunday, I expect that little brother Jim will out outcoach older brother John, although John is more likable. Besides siblings coaching against one another, lots of story lines surround Sunday's event: The Blind Side story of Michael Oher, a young teenager from the other side of the tracks adopted by the Tuhoy family in Memphis and based on the book by Michael Lewis (filmed in Atlanta at Georgia Tech and the Atlanta International School); the final game of Ray Lewis, of fame from the tragic double homicide by his bodyguards in Atlanta after the 2000 Super Bowl, as well as the deer antler spray rumors of performance enhancing drugs; the emergence of San Francisco's young quarterback, Colin Kaepernick; and lip-­‐
synced, Beyonce, performing during the half-­‐time show. Selfishly, while I thought San Francisco played better and deserved to win against my Falcons, I do have suspicions that the NFL and TV folks secretly wanted this West Coast/East Coast, brother/brother pairing. Why else do you call a feather-­‐brush to the helmet that changes the tide of the game and then not call interference on fourth down inside the five when the receiver is tackled and mauled 3 seconds before the pass is thrown…just saying. What a neat segue into TRUST. Last week, I was privileged to attend the bi-­‐annual Vistage International conference in Dallas. It was a special time of seeing both old and new friends, over 1000 leaders from around the world, and learning from some of the best thought-­‐leaders around. As we hear about deer antler spray, big TV money driving pairings and outcomes of athletic competitions, Lance Armstrong's lies, the phantom girlfriend of Manti T'eo, and subsequent convenient non-­‐story by Notre Dame and ESPN, altered news stories for political gain, abuses by government, business, and even religious institutions, and personal betrayals by both famous and infamous folks we know and know of, trust is a topic of paramount importance in all that we do. One of the outstanding Vistage speakers was Stephen M.R. Covey, author of a great book, The Speed of Trust. and son of Stephen Covey, who recently died, who wrote the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. The thoughts presented are summarized in a piece below, but the exercise of thinking about your dealings with highly trusted people compared to your dealings in low-­‐trust relationships is powerful. High trust relationships foster candor, honesty, open communication, respectful disagreement, quicker and less costly decisions, positivity, and a sense of oneness, among many other behaviors and feelings. Lower trusting relationships are usually guarded, suspicious, slow-­‐moving, costly, harmful emotionally, negative, and polarizing. We can all improve our lives by building more trusting relationships, and that almost always starts by giving trust first. Enjoy this week's humor, inspiration, and hopefully, horizon-­‐expanding thoughts! Jay "Trust is to human relationships what faith is to gospel living. It is the beginning place, the foundation upon which more can be built. Where trust is, love can flourish." Barbara Smith Makes You Think (Thanks to Mike Morello) To realize The value of a sister/brother Ask someone Who doesn't have one To realize The value of ten years: Ask a newly Divorced couple. To realize The value of four years: Ask a graduate. To realize The value of one year: Ask a student who Has failed a final exam. To realize The value of nine months: Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn. To realize The value of one month: Ask a mother Who has given birth to A premature baby. To realize The value of one week: Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper. To realize The value of one minute : Ask a person Who has missed the train, bus or plane. To realize The value of one second: Ask a person Who has survived an accident .. Time waits for no one. Treasure every moment you have. You will treasure it even more when You can share it with someone special. To realize the value of a friend or family member: LOSE ONE. Colgate Advertising Campaign Colgate has created a very ingenious advertising campaign to promote their dental floss, but before I explain to you the main detail of these images, I will let you appreciate them quietly... Alright, now that you had time to quietly observe the images, in the first one you will now notice that she has one finger too many in her hand, in the second one a phantom arm is floating there, and in the third one the man has only one ear... The campaign attained its purpose, because it proved that food remains on your teeth draw more attention than any physical defect... The Love Dress A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-­‐in-­‐law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?!" she asked. "I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-­‐in-­‐ law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-­‐in-­‐law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-­‐in-­‐law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me" The mother-­‐in-­‐law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered sensually. "Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner? He never heard the gunshot. Palindrome This is worth the 90 seconds it takes to listen to…..you'll be surprised. Palindrome A palindrome reads the same backwards as forward . This video reads the exact opposite backwards as forward. Not only does it read the opposite, the meaning is the exact opposite. This is only a 1 minute 44 second video and it is brilliant. Make sure you read as well as listen....forward and backward. This video was submitted in a contest by a 20-­‐year old. The contest was titled "u @ 50" by AARP and the video won second place. When they showed it, everyone in the room was awe-­‐struck and broke into spontaneous applause. So simple and yet so brilliant. Take a minute and watch it ~ Has sound, too ~ Just click on Lost Generation Clean Sex Quotes SOME REAL CLASSICS!!! Clean! The operative word. CLEAN SEX QUOTES -­‐-­‐ Saving the best for last, here it is! TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN, YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE, SO ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS. IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD 1) You can't count your hair. 2) You can't wash your eyes with soap. 3) You can't breathe when your tongue is out. Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person. Ten (10) Things I know about you. 1) You are reading this. 2) You are human. 3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips. 4) You just attempted to do it. 6) You are laughing at yourself. 7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5. 8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5. 9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too. 10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it. You have received this e-­‐mail because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot category. Have a great Day. Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many." Speed of Trust with Stephen M.R. Covey by Jamie Nanquil Stephen M.R. Covey shares fondly the example his father exhibited to him as child and what he carries today with him as a successful business leader. “As good as my father was in public, as an author and as a teacher; he was even better in private, as a husband to my mother and as a father to his kids. He was what you thought he was. He was the real deal.” Covey, co-­‐founder and CEO of CoveyLink Worldwide, personally led the strategy that propelled his father’s book, Dr. Stephen R. Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and authored his own groundbreaking book, The Speed of Trust. He spoke on the focus of his own work and what he says is the one thing that changes everything – trust. Covey emphasized the importance of understanding how vital trust is and how business leaders can turn the creation of trust into their greatest strength. He began with the following exercise: Identify a person that you work with and whom you have a high-­‐trust relationship. Jot down your first impressions to these questions: 1. What is it like to work with this person? 2. What is it like to communicate with this person? 3. How fast can you get things done? 4. What kind of results are you able to achieve? Now identify a second person that you need to work with but with whom you have a low-­‐trust relationship or with whom the trust-­‐level is not where you want it to be. Now re-­‐answer those same questions. Describe the difference in these relationships. What did you discover? These relationships are night-­‐and-­‐day different. Do you think you could put a financial price tag on that difference? Absolutely. There are 3 big ideas that Covey conveys when it comes to trust: 1) There is a business case for trust: Trust is an economic driver, not merely a social virtue. Trust affects 2 measurable outcomes: speed and cost. When trust goes down, speed goes down and cost goes up. This is called Low-­‐Trust Tax. Take a look at what happened with airplane travel since 9/11. Steps must be taken to compensate for the lack of trust and it costs. Conversely, there is what is known as a High-­‐Trust Dividend: when trust goes up, speed goes up and cost goes down. Think of your Vistage peer-­‐advisory group as an example. High trust organizations outperform low trust organizations by 286% in Total Return to Shareholders. – Watson Wyatt/ Human Capital study This is the economics of trust. 2) There is a leadership case for trust: Trust is the #1 competency of leadership needed today. You can’t collaborate with people you can’t trust. Trust makes you better in every other competency you need to have as a leader. Trust is the one thing that changes everything. It is the foundation of leadership. As Warren Bennis posed it, “Leadership without mutual trust is a contradiction in terms.” 3) Trust is a learnable competency. There are 5 Waves of Trust according to Covey. At the middle is self-­‐trust which ripples out to relationship trust, then organizational trust, then market (or external) trust, and finally to societal trust. “As trust is manifest in each successive wave, the effect of trust becomes cumulative and exponential,” he explains. The way we diagnose is from the outside moving in, but when you want to change something or transform something, you start from the inside moving out. It is vital to start with self-­‐trust. When you start there, everything takes root. The key principle behind self-­‐trust is credibility. Credibility is the foundation on which all trust is built. Character and competence are what build credibility. The 4 Cores of Credibility include: 1. Integrity (Character) – your honesty and truthfulness and includes congruence, humility, and courage. A true test for integrity is how you behave when there is a cost or consequence. 2. Intent (Character) – your motive or agenda and the behavior that follows. A test of your intent is to see how you care about the people you are serving. Be transparent in your relationships. It matters to show your intent. 3. Capabilities (Competence) – your capacity to produce and accomplish tasks. Test yourself by asking: Are you relevant? Are you improving? 4. Results (Competence) – What’s your track record? People evaluate your results/performance on three key indicators: past performance, current performance, and anticipated performance. Take the 4 cores of credibility and pick 1 you choose to work on – one that if you choose to work on, will make you a better leader. How might improving this Core of Credibility help you increase trust in your business relationships and your personal relationships? 45 Lessons The attached is well worth viewing enjoy ! Making Pancakes Six-­‐year-­‐old Brandon decided one Saturday morning to fix his parents pancakes. He found a big bowl and spoon, pulled a chair to the counter, opened the cupboard and pulled out the heavy flour canister, spilling it on the floor. He scooped some of the flour into the bowl with his hands, mixed in most of a cup of milk and added some sugar, leaving a floury trail on the floor which by now had a few tracks left by his kitten. Brandon was covered with flour and getting frustrated. He wanted this to be something very good for Mom and Dad, but it was getting very bad. He didn't know what to do next, whether to put it all into the oven or on the stove and he didn't know how the stove worked! Suddenly he saw his kitten licking from the bowl of mix and reached to push her away, knocking the egg carton to the floor. Frantically he tried to clean up this monumental mess but slipped on the eggs, getting his pajamas white and sticky. And just then he saw Dad standing at the door big crocodile tears welled up in Brandon's eyes. All he'd wanted to do was something good, but he'd made a terrible mess. He was sure a scolding was coming, maybe even a spanking. But his father just watched him. Then, walking through the mess, he picked up his crying son, hugged him and loved him, getting his own pajamas white and sticky in the process! That's how God deals with us... We try to do something good in life, but it turns into a mess. Our marriage gets all sticky or we insult a friend, or we can't stand our job, or our health goes sour. Sometimes we just stand there in tears because we can't think of anything else to do. That's when God picks us up and loves us and forgives us, even though some of our mess gets all over Him. But just because we might mess up, we can't stop trying to 'make pancakes' for God or for others. Sooner or later we'll get it right, and then they'll be glad we tried... I was thinking and I wondered if I had any wounds needing to be healed, friendships that need rekindling or three words needing to be said. Sometimes, 'I love you' can heal and bless! Remind every one of your friends that you love them. Even if you think they don't love back, you would be amazed at what those three little words, a smile, and a reminder like this can do. Message From Wife Got home late last night after a full day of golfing and drinking with the boys and the wife left a message in the kitchen. I guess she wants me to eat more fruit. My tax return -­‐ Returned?
I just received a letter from the IRS. It puzzles me! They are questioning the number of dependents that I claimed. I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?" I replied 12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million unemployed people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons; half of Mexico ; and 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate." Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer. I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO THE HELL DID I MISS? GREAT TRUTHS Truer words have never been spoken 1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm,and three or more is a congress. -­‐-­‐ John Adams 2. If you don't read the newspaper are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you aremisinformed. -­‐-­‐ Mark Twain 3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member ofCongress. But then I repeat myself. -­‐-­‐ Mark Twain 4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. -­‐-­‐Winston Churchill 5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. -­‐-­‐ George Bernard Shaw 6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -­‐-­‐G. Gordon Liddy 7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. -­‐-­‐James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994) 8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. -­‐-­‐ Douglas Case, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University. 9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.-­‐-­‐ P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian 10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. -­‐-­‐Frederic Bastiat, French economist(1801-­‐1850) 11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -­‐-­‐Ronald Reagan (1986) 12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. -­‐-­‐ Will Rogers 13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! -­‐-­‐ P. J. O'Rourke 14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. -­‐-­‐Voltaire (1764) 15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! -­‐-­‐Pericles (430 B.C.) 16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -­‐-­‐ Mark Twain (1866) 17. Talk is cheap, except when Congress does it. -­‐-­‐Anonymous 18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. -­‐-­‐ Ronald Reagan 19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. -­‐-­‐ Winston Churchill 20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. -­‐-­‐ Mark Twain 21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. -­‐-­‐ Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-­‐1903) 22. There is no distinctly Native American criminal class, save Congress. -­‐-­‐ Mark Twain 23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians -­‐-­‐Edward Langley, Artist (1928-­‐1995) 24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. -­‐-­‐ Thomas Jefferson 25. We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. -­‐-­‐ Aesop FIVE BEST SENTENCES 1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity, by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity. 2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving. 3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else. 4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it. 5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work, because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation! Train Ride Floyd Cramer at the piano. Just wait for the pictures to come on and have your volume on. Have a special 2013! http://www.openmyeyeslord.net/Train%20Ride.swf 12 Great Motivational Quotes for 2013 By Geoffrey James This set of inspirational thoughts for the New Year will galvanize you into action. At the start of every year, I create a list of quotes to guide and inspire me for the next 12 months. Here are the quotes I've selected for 2013: 1. "Cherish your visions and your dreams as they are the children of your soul, the blueprints of your ultimate achievements." Napoleon Hill 2. "The key to success is to focus our conscious mind on things we desire not things we fear." Brian Tracy 3. "Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get." Dale Carnegie 4. "Obstacles are necessary for success because in selling, as in all careers of importance, victory comes only after many struggles and countless defeats." Og Mandino 5. "A real decision is measured by the fact that you've taken a new action. If there's no action, you haven't truly decided." Tony Robbins 6. "If you can't control your anger, you are as helpless as a city without walls waiting to be attacked." The Book of Proverbs 7. A mediocre person tells. A good person explains. A superior person demonstrates. A great person inspires others to see for themselves." Harvey Mackay 8. "Freedom, privileges, options, must constantly be exercised, even at the risk of inconvenience." Jack Vance 9. "Take care of your body. It's the only place you have to live." Jim Rohn 10. "You can have everything in life you want, if you will just help other people get what they want." Zig Ziglar 11. "The number of times I succeed is in direct proportion to the number of times I can fail and keep on trying." Tom Hopkins 12. "You have everything you need to build something far bigger than yourself." Seth Godin Late Night Humor "Already the Obama administration has been rocked by scandal. Beyonce lip-­‐syncing; or at least we think she was lip-­‐synching. Manti Te’o said it sounded very real to him." –Bill Maher "New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is getting big-­‐time financial support for his re-­‐
election campaign, a fundraiser hosted by Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg. That means the creator of the world's largest social network is raising money for the world's largest governor." –Jimmy Kimmel "Why does Mark Zuckerberg need to raise a fundraiser worth $12 billion. Write a check and be done with the whole thing." –Jimmy Kimmel "Did you know when you poke Chris Christie on Facebook, your computer giggles like the Pillsbury Doughboy?" –Jimmy Kimmel "President Obama delivered his inaugural address, which set a more liberal tone for his second term, especially the part where he showered the crowd with birth control pills." –
Seth Meyers “This year marks the 50th anniversary of Martin Luther King, Jr’s historic 'I Have A Dream' speech. As well as the 1 year anniversary of my girlfriend’s 'I had the weirdest dream' speech. Guess which one was longer.” –Seth Meyers "House Speaker John Boehner said that President Obama's focus is to annihilate the Republican Party. Do Republicans look like they need any help from President Obama? They're doing a hell of a job themselves." –Jay Leno "Women can now serve on the front lines in combat. I believe up until now, the only woman who had ever seen action under a general was of course Paula Broadwell." –Jay Leno "A scary moment at John Kerry's secretary of state confirmation hearing. One of the senators had taken his Ambien the night before and combined with the stuffy room and Kerry's boring speech, he slipped a coma." –Jay Leno "Yesterday House Speaker John Boehner said that President Obama's focus is to annihilate the Republican Party. Do the Republicans look like they need help from President Obama?" –Jay Leno "The Pentagon has allowed women to serve in combat. Yeah, the hope is that we can now finally defeat the Taliban by giving them the silent treatment." –Conan O'Brien "North Korea said it will test a rocket that they hope will hit the United States. In other words, watch your back, middle of the Pacific Ocean." –Conan O'Brien "Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was grilled by Congressmen about the attack on Benghazi. Then out of habit she grilled them about where they were last night, and who's this Megan?" –Conan O'Brien "There's a photo from the Inauguration in which Former President Bill Clinton appears to bechecking out Kelly Clarkson. Clinton said, 'That's not true, I was checking out Beyonce and Kelly Clarkson got in the way.'" –Conan O'Brien "Beyonce is remaining silent about charges that she lip-­‐synched the national anthem. However, the charges are being strongly denied by a recording of Beyonce." –Conan O'Brien "Steven Tyler defended Beyoncé after she lip-­‐synced at President Obama's inauguration. Tyler said, "I know how she feels, I did the same thing at the Harry Truman Inauguration.'" –Conan O'Brien "Arnold Schwarzenegger has signed on to a new 'Terminator' film. Due to his age, this one features the catchphrase, 'I'll be back right after 'Wheel of Fortune.'" –Conan O'Brien "Yes, lip-­‐gate. Beyonce-­‐gate. The crisis in Lip-­‐ya. Beyonc-­‐gazi ... If Beyonce lip-­‐synced at Obama's inaugural, do you know what that means? If so, please write in because I'd love to know why I'm so angry!" –Stephen Colbert "Joe Biden made another one of his famous gaffes on camera Monday, saying he was proud to be president of the United States. I guess he forgot he wasn't at home standing in front of the bathroom mirror." –Jay Leno "I'm still reeling from yesterday's inauguration disaster. First off, where was security? The Secret Service is supposed to protect the president and first lady, but in the middle of a kiss, they were viciously photobombed. Enjoy Gitmo, Malia." –Stephen Colbert "Where did we go wrong? The Republicans had everything going for them – a terrible economy, an unpopular incumbent, and a positive message for the American voter: 'less than half of you are parasites.'" –Stephen Colbert "At the inaugural ball, President Obama was caught doing some very stiff and awkward dance moves. In other words, Obama is already reaching out to Republicans." –Conan O'Brien "Video game-­‐maker Atari has filed for bankruptcy. Atari fans are so upset they're organizing a massive letter-­‐writing campaign to President Reagan." –Conan O'Brien "On the news they made a big deal out of the fact that four years ago there were twice as many people at President Obama's first inauguration than there was at this one. That's because four years ago, twice as many people could afford to stay in hotels." –Jay Leno "Actually, you know who gave the shortest inauguration speech in history? George Washington. It was only like three minutes long. Well, sure. George Washington couldn't tell a lie." –Jay Leno "The CEO of Whole Foods is criticizing Obamacare, once again calling it fascism. He did this before when he called it socialism. And he said the problem with socialism is eventually you run out of other people's money. As opposed to shopping at Whole Foods, where you eventually run out of your own money." –Jay Leno "The post office may sue Lance Armstrong for all of the money they spent sponsoring his team. In fact, after all these lawsuits, they say that Lance Armstrong could end up as broke as the post office." –Jay Leno "More than a million people gathered in our nation's capital yesterday, and tens of millions more watched from home to celebrate the first lady's new haircut." –Jimmy Kimmel "Most people seem to like the hair style, though some Republicans are demanding further cuts. But bangs aren't easy to pull off. As far as I know, the only other women who have done it successfully this decade are Jessica Biel and Justin Bieber." –Jimmy Kimmel "The president gave a brief but powerful speech. He did not shy away from the many challenges he faces: a massive federal deficit, a conservative majority in the House, an aging population, runaway entitlements, humongous ears." –Jimmy Kimmel "Today's inauguration marked the first time ever a president used the word gay in an inauguration speech. It was the part of the speech where Obama pointed at the Washington moment and said, ''Whoever designed that thing must have been pretty gay.'" –Conan O'Brien "During the inauguration, Good Morning America host George Stephanopoulos gave a shout-­‐out to who he thought was Morgan Freeman, but was actually Celtics great Bill Russell. Stephanopoulos then went on to say he was so excited to be at Denzel Washington's inauguration." –Conan O'Brien "During the inauguration, a teenage boy was spotted flirting with Malia Obama. At this moment, the boy is being flown to a remote location in Afghanistan." –Conan O'Brien "Vice President Joe Biden was also sworn in for his second term today. Biden swore on the Bible to uphold the Constitution and to keep doing whatever it is I do.'" –Conan O'Brien "In his inaugural address, President Obama said America's possibilities are limitless. Unfortunately at that moment Lance Armstrong shouted out, 'That's what I used to think." –Conan O'Brien "There once was a man name Barack, Whose re-­‐election came as a shock. He raised the taxes I pay, And then turned marriage gay. And now he's coming after your glock." –
Stephen Colbert "It was reported that President Obama's 2013 Inauguration Committee is receiving fewer donations than it did in 2009. The scaled-­‐back event will feature fewer inaugural balls, a shorter parade, and a musical performance from the Black Eyed Pea." –Seth Meyers "Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant on Wednesday asked state legislatures to declare President Obama's new gun control proposals 'illegal,' though I'm not sure if the Mississippi state legislature has that kind of power since it's just thirty hissing possums in a barn." –Seth Meyers "Ann Romney has reportedly declined an offer to appear on this season's Dancing With The Stars. She's probably not a good fit for the show anyway, because I've heard of her." –Seth Meyers "During an interview with Oprah Winfrey Thursday, Lance Armstrong admitted to using banned drugs and blood transfusions to get his seven Tour De France victories. Which explains why, during his last two races, he didn't even need a bike." –Seth Meyers "Firearms groups across the country have declared today the first annual Gun Appreciation Day. So don't forget to set your clock back 100 years." –Seth Meyers "I heard that President Obama’s inauguration will have its own iPhone app that includes a map to public restrooms. Or as Al Roker put it, 'Download complete!' (Which is ALSO what he said after pooping his pants at the White House.)" –Jimmy Fallon "Hey, this week was the season premiere of 'American Idol.' And this year people are able to nominate their talented friends who don't want to audition. Yeah, making someone try out for something they don't really want -­‐-­‐ or as Republicans call that, 'the Romney plan.'" –Jimmy Fallon "In a recent attack ad, the NRA claims that President Obama cares about his own children more than he cares about other children. In response, President Obama was like, 'Yeah, that's how families work.'" –Jimmy Fallon "Yesterday Joe Biden defended the White House's gun-­‐control initiative by saying that he actually has two guns himself. Then Biden was like, “And I never leave home without 'em.'" –Jimmy Fallon "Happy birthday to First Lady Michelle Obama. She turned 49 years old today. She told a reporter she'd like a nice gift from Barack, but nothing extravagant. Oh, don't worry. Obama is very responsible when he's spending his own money." –Jay Leno "Today Russia announced plans to send a probe to the moon by the year 2015. Russian scientists say they're excited to see what they could discover on the moon's surface. I'll tell you what they're going to discover – an American flag!" –Craig Ferguson "Yesterday Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas spoke during a court session for the first time in seven years. He never speaks and he finally spoke. It's already being called the best 'that's what she said' joke ever." –Conan O'Brien "Wal-­‐Mart made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing: Wal-­‐Mart is going to invade Costco." –Conan O'Brien "The White House has rejected an online petition to build a planet-­‐destroying Death Star like the one in the movie Star Wars. Officials said today the administration does not support blowing up planets. See, the White House believes the most effective way to destroy planets is with their economic policy." –Jay Leno "Daniel Day-­‐Lewis won a Golden Globe for playing Abraham Lincoln and Julianne Moore won for playing Sarah Palin. The foreign press realized that the greatest challenge for an actor in Hollywood is pretending to be a Republican." –Jay Leno "The mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa, was seen partying in Mexico with Charlie Sheen. When will Charlie learn that people judge you by the company you keep?" –Jay Leno "Republicans and Democrats are working on a new bill to streamline the healthcare system. It will reduce the cost of mammograms and prostate exams. But don't worry. They'll still be free at the airport." –Jimmy Fallon "President Obama's half-­‐brother is running for political office in Kenya. Donald Trump has already accused him of being born in the United States." –Conan O'Brien "President Obama is coming under criticism that his new administration has less diversity than his first one. Which is why this morning Obama said, 'All right, fine, I am a Muslim." –Conan O'Brien "The Golden Globes last night had a lot of great moments. During Jodie Foster's emotional speech she said she was gay, 50, and friends with Mel Gibson. Afterwards, her publicist told Jodie, 'I'm going to need a raise.'" –Conan O'Brien "President Obama held the final press conference of his first term in office this morning, talking mostly about the debt ceiling. He announced if Congress doesn't raise the debt ceiling America will go into default on its loans and we might have to say goodbye to Florida." –Jimmy Kimmel "An economist is suggesting that the U.S. Treasury mint a trillion-­‐dollar county and deposit it in the federal reserve – which is how 'The Lord of the Rings' starts, isn't it?" –
Jimmy Kimmel "The Treasury will not mint a trillion-­‐dollar coin. That is a shame. Wouldn't it be nice to mint up nine or 10 and say we're even?" –Jimmy Kimmel "President Obama will be sworn in with his hand resting on two Bibles. Is that how screwed up Washington is now? One Bible can't get the job done anymore?" –Jay Leno "U.S. customs officials recently discovered 310 pounds of marijuana hidden in some frozen carrots. That's one way to keep kids away from drugs – put them in vegetables." –
Jay Leno "Carrots and marijuana – how good will your vision be after THIS combination?" –Jay Leno "A new survey found that 77 percent of Americans think politicians do serious harm to the country. Politicians are like, 'Cool, at least they think we do something.'" –Jimmy Fallon "This year nobody was elected to baseball's hall of fame. No player has ever gotten into the hall of fame without winning Ohio." –David Letterman "Ten days from now Barack Obama will be inaugurated. I'm telling you, it is really starting to look bad for Mitt Romney." –David Letterman "The inauguration will have a lot of corporate sponsors, big money, and corporations sponsoring the inauguration. It will be the same with the Kardashian baby." –David Letterman "Our huge state budget deficit is gone. Governor Jerry Brown announced the state budget for next year is projected to net an $851 million surplus and this year we'll have a surplus of $785 million. You hear that, meter maids? Maybe you can stop giving us tickets for a couple of months." –Jimmy Kimmel "It's a huge achievement for Governor Jerry Brown. Apparently you can get a lot done when you're not walking around saying 'I'll be back' all the time." –Jimmy Kimmel “Today was a big day in Hollywood. The Oscar nominations were announced. 'Lincoln' leads the list with 12 nominations. This is a first – not the most nominations, but the first time Hollywood has ever voted for a Republican president. That is amazing." –Jay Leno "The White House announced today that the theme for President Obama's second inauguration will be 'Faith in America's Future.' The idea is to get our minds off of America's present." –Jay Leno "President Obama's inauguration is coming up. During next week's inauguration, he will be sworn in with not one, but two Bibles. Relax, Mr. President. We get it. You're not a Muslim. You're overcompensating." –Conan O'Brien "Abraham Lincoln, our 16th president, has never been hotter. 'Lincoln' received 12 Oscar nominations. 'Lincoln' also received a nomination for best hat." –David Letterman "The 2013 Oscar nominations were announced today. 'Lincoln' earned the most nominations of any movie. 12 nominations for 'Lincoln.' I have a feeling that if he were alive today, Lincoln would say, 'What is a movie?'" –Jimmy Fallon "President Obama recently came under fire over the lack of diversity in his cabinet. Then Obama said, 'You guys know I'll be there, too, right?'" –Jimmy Fallon "Prostitutes in Brazil have started learning English so they can communicate with out-­‐of-­‐
town clients during the World Cup. They are learning key phrases like, 'You are very handsome' and 'Nice to meet you, Mr. Sheen.'" –Jimmy Fallon "The White House announced that the theme for President Obama's inauguration will be 'Faith in America's Future.' Which is proof that no one in the White House has ever seen 'Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.'" –Jimmy Fallon "President Obama's team is promising special perks for donors who give at least a million dollars to the inauguration. Which is cool, but you know what else can get you a lot of perks? Keeping that million dollars." –Jimmy Fallon "Today, the president hosted a screening of NBC's White House comedy, '1600 Penn,' which centers on a goofy guy who keeps embarrassing the White House. Or as Joe Biden put it, 'Why's everyone looking at me?'" –Jimmy Fallon "The Consumer Electronics Show is happening in Las Vegas and the most amazing gadgets are being talked about. One of the gadgets this year is a fork that tells you when you're eating too fast. In a related story today, Chris Christie was spotted yelling at his fork to mind its own business." –Conan O'Brien "Chris Christie said to his fork, 'Shut up or I'm going to switch to my friend — spoon.'" –
Conan O'Brien dystopic future prevents us from addressing our actual dystopic present. We can't even begin to address 30,000 gun deaths that are actually, in reality, happening in this country every year because a few of us must remain vigilant against the rise of imaginary Hitler." "Secretary of State Hillary Clinton returned to work today and as a joke, her staff gave her a helmet. This is the second time a Clinton in government has been asked to wear protection." –Conan O'Brien