Five Stalkers Long
By Christina Harlin, Your
Fearless Young Orphan
Fifty Shades Darker (2017)
Directed by James Foley
Fifty Shades Darker has a 9% rating
at rottentomatoes.com as of February
15, 2017.
Fifty Shades Darker is the continuing
drama of Anna and Christian. She’s a
smart but rather insecure young
woman and he’s the handsome young
billionaire who can’t live without her
because he’s damaged and he neeeeeeeeeds her. There is some kinky sex
involved. It’s not all that kinky, not in my book, so I don’t know what everyone’s
getting all excited about. In the last movie, they tried to have a dom/sub
relationship; that didn’t work because Anna's not doing it right. At the end of the
last movie, Anna had left Christian because he spanked her too hard and seemed to
enjoy it too much.
So in this sequel they get back together after like two days or something. I don’t
really know how long it takes. Anyway Christian says he’ll be good, and he won’t
do anything she doesn’t like, and they don’t have to be dom/sub, except that he
then continues trying to act like a dom and she routinely glosses over the fact
because he’s young, handsome and rich, I guess. Sorry, because she loves him.
Whatevs. Everything this guy does is a big red warning flag, which Anna decides
to interpret as one more step in her project to fix him. And I sound like I’m
complaining but I’m not; this is not the problem. I could watch a movie about a
woman in a controlling and abusive relationship . . . oh wait, I just did. Right. I
mean, the thing that seems to be incongruous is how hard the film tries to turn this
into sudsy romance when the kinkier and smarter route would have been to really
dive into the nasty side of this and explore, explore, explore.
Since they’re taking the safe (and less interesting) route, however, let’s just look at
this story for what it is meant to be: escapist fantasy. Is it entertaining? Did it
tickle my fancy? Did it take me away to another place? To some extent, yes. It
badly made me want to visit Seattle again, a beautiful city surrounded by some
astonishing landscape. The movie looks fantastic, especially when it plunges us
into those landscapes in soaring aerial shots. A sailing adventure on the Puget
Sound is absolutely breathtaking.
But as for the relationship itself? Really you’re talking to the wrong girl. I
understand the desire to nab some inaccessible hunk who neeeeeeeeeds me so
badly that he’d never ever leeeeeeave me. I understand it but I don’t share it. I
find Christian and Anna infuriating and the movie’s treatment of them more so.
Scene after scene we see Christian do unacceptable things: access Anna's bank
account, buy out her employer, order her around, forbid her from doing her own
job, and keep important information from her, and scene after scene, Anna says,
“This is unacceptable” and then she goes ahead and accepts it. There is no
resolution
to
this.
Halfway
through
a
discussion the scene will
end so that we never hear
the end of it, but it always
seems that Christian gets
his way.
Anna slowly learns the difference between "erotic" and
"neurotic."
There is the matter of a
business trip. Anna has a
new job as an editorial
assistant at a publishing
company. Her boss Jack
is a young handsome
fellow, looking rather like the late Paul Walker, and Christian doesn’t like the way
this guy makes eyes at Anna. Well, we’re not meant to like it nor is she, because
this is a Fifty Shades version of reality, her boss actually is a sexual predator who
is looking to rape her if Anna won’t willingly sleep her way to the top. So maybe
we’re supposed to believe this justifies Christian’s actions, though it does not.
Jack says Anna needs to accompany him to New York for a book expo, and
Christian says Anna can’t go. “It’s my job,” she says. “But I wanted to show you
New York myself,” Christian whines. “That would be nice, but this is my job,”
she says. “But but but but but,” he whines. Somehow at the end of this
conversation, Anna has agreed not to go on the business trip. Two other times in
the film, Christian has to go on overnight business trips. Nothing is said about this.
Since Jack does turn out to be a sexual predator, there’s a collective sigh of relief
that we don’t have to deal with these implications.
So their relationship is still dom/sub, only now Christian is achieving this by
whining like a bitch and guilt-tripping Anna into putting up with him. “I was
abused,” he whines. “Look at my scars. Mommy was a drug addict. If you’ll just
keep putting up with my shit, I’ll let you a wee bit closer to me.” Child abuse is a
horrifying subject but it is not an excuse to abuse in turn and it is especially not a
get-out-of-jail-free card. This is a fascinating story of manipulation and emotional
blackmail. The movie just doesn’t seem to realize it.
No, instead, we’re treated to one rather silly escapade after another of, basically,
Anna in danger and Christian protecting her with money and jealousy. Anna is the
target of five different stalkers in this film. Count them. Christian is the most
obvious one (and the one from whom Anna probably needs the most protection).
Then there is one of his ex-subs, who has had a nervous collapse and pursues Anna
with violent intentions. There is the evil Mrs. Robinson, Christian’s ex-dom
statutory rapist, who confronts Anna repeatedly at fancy dress parties. That’s
three. We have Anna’s boss Jack who is a sexual predator and seems to have a
vendetta against the couple. Four. Finally, Anna’s “friend” Julio is still behaving
like the guy who has built a shrine in his basement. Julio is a photographer and his
first big show includes six enormous portraits of Anna, for which she did not give
her consent and for which the little idiot did not seem to know she was posing.
What exactly did she think he was doing with the picture? Oh by the way,
Christian buys them all
because he doesn’t like
“strangers looking at her.” Oh
Lord. That’s five stalkers.
Amidst all this stalking and
whining, Christian and Anna
get back together, move in
together, and then he proposes
to her, all in the span of about
two weeks (I believe the
movie actually does say it was
two weeks, so that’s not me
Ermagerd, who would have thought a photographer
exaggerating). And amidst all
taking my picture would lead to this?
this rapidly progressing train
wreck of a relationship, they
somehow have to wedge in half a dozen graphic sex scenes because that’s why we
came here, isn’t it? The funny thing is, the sex isn’t sexy. Using a little bit of
bondage is not even scratching the surface of what a real dom/sub relationship
could be, and this film never dares to stick around long enough to find out what
emotional impact these sexual actions have on either character. The scenes feel
rushed, forced, and repetitive and I quickly found them boring. When the slinky
music would begin to play, I’d roll my eyes and wish for a fast-forward button.
Movie theaters don’t let you fast-forward, unfortunately.
I’ve got to give you five things to like (and it took me days to think of these), so
here goes:
1. As in the first film, Dakota Johnson is the rather miraculous glue that
manages to keep this whole boat from sinking. She’s in on the joke, even if
the movie is not. Now don’t get me wrong: she’s not phoning in the part or
undermining the story. As a matter of fact, her knowledge adds a great deal
to the character. Pay attention to her eyes; this is a woman who is smart
enough to understand exactly what is happening and use it to her advantage,
if you choose to see her that way. I enjoy thinking of her as someone who
knows far more than she appears to know. She's one good pre-nuptial
agreement away from an awesome life.
2. Gorgeous cinematography. Almost makes the rest of the movie bearable.
3. Great clothes, shoes, and costumes.
4. Make it to the end of the film to see some howlingly funny scenes and lines,
and then thank god it'll all be over.
5. I'll give Jamie Dornan a little credit for doing better in this movie than he did
in the last. He's got a better grasp on the character, which cannot be an easy
task, seeing as he is a fantasy construct and nothing like a real human being.
He actually nails Christian by letting his numerous weaknesses show. If this
was an intentional character change, great, and if it's merely an accident or
my own interpretation, then blame the movie for making me so bored that
my brain had to scramble to find meaning.
So Fifty Shades Darker is a puzzler to me: a movie that doesn’t understand what it
is really about, tries to be about half a dozen other things, can’t get out of its own
rut (pardon the pun) and crams non-stop and seemingly random bullshit into its
already overweight bulk (just wait for the “helicopter” incident). Anna and
Christian absolutely deserve to be together but I’m tired of listening in on their
nonsense and we’ve still got another movie to go.