Compassionate Communication
Stating a Clear Request and Responding to a “No”
By Marshall Rosenberg
At an early age, most of us were taught to speak and
think "Jackal." This language is from the head. It is a
way of mentally classifying people into varying shades of
good and bad, right and wrong. Ultimately, it provokes
defensiveness, resistance, and counterattack. "Giraffe"
bids us to speak from the heart, to talk about what is
going on for us-without judging others. In this idiom, you
give people an opportunity to say yes, although you
respect no for an answer. "Giraffe" is a language of
requests; "Jackal " is a language of demands.
without judging others. In this idiom, you give people an
opportunity to say yes, although you respect no for an
answer. Giraffe is a language of requests; Jackal is a
language of demands.
By the time I identified these two languages, I had
thoroughly learned Jackal. So I set out to teach myself
Giraffe. What would I say, I wondered, if someone were
doing something I found unpleasant and I wanted
to influence him to change his behavior? Giraffes, I
realized, are aware that they cannot change others. They
are not even interested in changing people; rather, they
Human beings the world over say they want to contribute
are interested in providing opportunities for them to be
to the well-being of others, to connect and communicate
willing to change. One way of providing such an
with others in loving, compassionate ways. Why, then, is
opportunity, I decided, would be to approach the other
there so much disharmony and conflict?
person with a message such as:
"Please do this, but only if you
Setting out to find
Giraffes are aware that they cannot change
can do it willingly-in a total
answers, I discovered that
others. They are not even interested in
absence of fear, guilt, or shame.
the language many of us
changing people; rather, they are interested
If you are motivated by fear,
were taught interferes with
in providing opportunities for them
guilt, or shame, I lose."
our desire to live in
to be willing to change.
harmony with one another.
As Giraffes, we make requests in
At an early age, most of us
terms of what we want people to do, not what we want
were taught to speak and think Jackal. This is a
them to feel. All the while, we steer clear of mandates.
moralistic classification idiom that labels people; it has a
Nothing creates more resistance than telling people they
splendid vocabulary for analyzing and criticizing. Jackal
"should" or "have to" or "must" or "ought to" do
is good for telling people what's wrong with them:
something. These terms eliminate choice. Without the
"Obviously, you're emotionally disturbed (rude, lazy,
freedom to choose, life becomes slave-like. "I had to do
selfish)."
it-superior's orders" is the response of people robbed of
their free will. Prompted by directives and injunctions,
The jackal moves close to the ground. It is so
people do not take responsibility for their actions.
preoccupied with getting its immediate needs met that it
cannot see into the future. Similarly Jackal-thinking
As time passed, I learned much more about giraffe. For
individuals believe that in quickly classifying or
analyzing people, they understand them. Unhappy about
one thing, they do not make requests in the past. They do
what's going on, a Jackal will label the people involved,
not say, or even think, "How nice it would have been if
saying, "He's an idiot" or "She's bad" or "They're
you had cleaned the living room last night." Instead,
culturally deprived."
Giraffes state clearly what they
want in the present. And they
As giraffes, we know that the cause of our
This language is from the
take responsibility for their
anger is never another person or anything else
head. It is a way of
feelings, aware that their feelings
outside of ourselves. We become angry
mentally classifying
are caused by their wants. If a
because of the thoughts we are having when
people into varying shades
mother is upset because her son's
our hopes and expectations are not being met.
of good and bad, right and
toys are strewn about the living
wrong. Ultimately, it
room, she will identify her
provokes defensiveness, resistance, and counterattack.
feeling: anger. She will then get in touch with the
underlying want that is causing this feeling: her desire
I also came upon a language of the heart, a form of
for a neat and orderly living room. She will own the
interacting that promotes the well-being of ourselves and
anger, saying, "I feel angry because I want the living
other people. I call this means of communicating Giraffe.
room to be clean and instead it's a mess." Finally, she
The Giraffe has the largest heart of any land animal, is
will ask for a different outcome: "I'd feel so much better
tall enough to look into the future, and lives its life with
if you'd just put these toys away."
gentility and strength. Likewise, Giraffe bids us to speak
from the heart, to talk about what is going on for usWhereas Jackals say, "I feel angry because you…,"
Adapted by Kathy Masarie and Jodeanne Bellant Scheer from Nonviolent Communication, by Marshall Rosenberg PhD. www.cnvc.org
Giraffes will say, "I feel angry because I want…" As
Giraffes, we know that the cause of our feelings is not
another person, but rather our own thoughts, wants, and
wishes. We become angry because of the thoughts we
are having, not because of anything another person has
done to us.
Identify your feelings: "I feel hurt." State the reason for
your feelings: "I feel hurt because I would like to feel
close to you right now and instead I'm feeling
disconnected from you." Then state your request in doable terms: "Are you willing to take time out for a hug
and a few moments of sharing?"
Jackal, on the other hand, view others as the source of
their anger. In fact, violence, whether verbal or physical,
is the result of assuming that our feelings are caused not
by what is going on inside us but rather by what is going
on "out there." In response, we say things designed to
hurt, punish, or blame the person whom we imagine has
hurt our feelings. Aware of this tendency, a Giraffe will
conclude, "I'm angry because my expectations have not
been met."
The same process applies if your teenager has been
talking on the phone for hours and you are expecting a
call. Describe the situation: "When you've got the phone
tied up for so long, other calls can't come through."
Express your feeling and the reason for it: "I'm feeling
frustrated because I've been expecting to hear from
someone." Then state your request: "I'd like you to bring
your conversation to a close if that's all right."
In Jackal culture, feelings and wants are severely
punished. People are expected to be docile, subservient
to authority; slave-like in their reactions, and alienated
from their feelings and needs. In a Giraffe culture, we
learn to express our feelings, needs, and requests without
passing judgment or attacking. We request, rather than
demand. And we are aware of the fine line of distinction
between these two types of statements.
As Giraffes we take responsibility for our feelings. At
the same time, we attempt to give others an opportunity
to act in a way that will help us feel better. For example,
a boy may want more respect from his father. After
getting in touch with his anger over the decisions his
father has been making for him, he might say: "Please
ask me if I want a haircut before making a barbershop
appointment for me."
Giraffes say what they do want,
rather than what they don’t want.
“Stop that,” “Cut it out,” or “Quit that” do not
inspire changed behaviors. People can’t do a
“don’t.”
Giraffes say what they do want, rather than what they
don't want. "Stop that," "Cut it out," or "Quit that" do not
inspire changed behaviors. People can't do a "don't."
Giraffes ultimately seek a connection in which each
person feels a sense of well-being and no one feels
forced into action by blame, guilt, or punishment. As
such, Giraffe thinking creates harmony.
STATING A REQUEST CLEARLY
Stating a request in simple Giraffe is a four-part process
rooted in honesty:
1. Describe your observation.
2. Identify your feeling.
3. Explain the reason for your feeling in terms of
your needs.
4. State your request.
In describing the situation, do so without criticizing or
judging. If you have come home from a busy day and
your partner seems preoccupied with the newspaper,
simply describe the situation: "When I walked in the door
after an especially trying day, you seemed busy reading."
In Jackal, we expect other people to prove their love for
us by doing what we want. As Giraffes, we may persist
in trying to persuade others, but we are not influenced by
guilt. We acknowledge that we have no control over the
other person's response. And we stay in Giraffe no matter
what the other person says. If she or he seems upset or
tense, we switch into listening, which allows us to hear
the person's feelings, needs and wishes without hearing
any criticism or ourselves. Nor does a Giraffe simply say
no; as Giraffes we state the need that prevents us from
fulfilling the request.
RESPONDING TO A "NO"
Responding to a refusal is a four-part process rooted in
empathy:
1. Describe the situation
2. Guess the other person's feelings.
3. Guess the reason for that feeling, together with the
unmet need; then let the person verify whether you
have correctly understood.
4. Clarify the unmet need.
Giraffes know that when people say “no”
in a nasty way, what they invariably want is to
protect their autonomy. They have heard a
request as a demand, and their need for
personal choice is not being met.
When people say no in a nasty way, what they invariably
want is to protect their autonomy. They have heard a
request as a demand and are saying, in effect, "I want to
Adapted by Kathy Masarie and Jodeanne Bellant Scheer from Nonviolent Communication, by Marshall Rosenberg PhD. www.cnvc.org
do it when I choose to do it, and not because I am forced
to do it." Sighing, sulking, or screaming can likewise
reflect a desire to protect one's freedom of choice, one's
need to act from a position of willingness. If people
scream at us, we do not scream back. We listen beneath
the words and hear what they are really saying - that they
have a need and want to get their need met.
At a meeting I attended at a mosque in a refugee camp
near Jerusalem, a man suddenly stood up and cried,
"Murderer!" As a Giraffe, all I heard was "Please!"- that
is, I heard the pain, the need that wasn't being met. That
is where I focused my attention. After about 40 minutes
of speaking, he did what most of us do when we sense
we have been accurately heard and listened to: he
changed. The situation was immediately defused of all
If a mother has asked her daughter to please do her
tension. He later invited me to dinner.
chores and she has refused, the Giraffe dance may go
In international disputes, as well as in relationship,
something like this:
business, classroom, and parent-child conflicts, we can
learn to hear the human being behind the message,
Parent: Are you feeling annoyed right now because you
regardless of how the message is framed. We can learn to
want to do your chores at your own pace rather than
hear the other person's unmet needs and requests.
being forced to do them?
Ultimately, listening empathetically does not imply
doing what the person wants; rather, it implies showing
Child: Yeah, I'm sick and tired of being a slave. (Note
respectful acknowledgment of the individual's inner
the defensive mode, indicating a need to be listened to.)
world. As we do that, we move from the coercive
Parent: So, you really want to do things when it feels
language we have been taught to the language of the
good to do them, and you're not just avoiding them
heart.
altogether?
Speaking from the heart is a gesture of love, giving other
people an opportunity to contribute to our well-being and
Child: You order me around! (The child still needs to be
to exercise generosity. Empathetically receiving what is
listened to. The parent must keep guessing what the child
going on in others is a reciprocal gesture. Giraffes
is saying about feelings and wants.)
experience love as openness and
Giraffes don’t take anything personally,
sensitivity, with no demands, criticism,
Parent: So, it's
For they know that upset, attacking,
or requirements to fulfill requests at
frustrating when I seem
defensive statements are tragic expressions
either end of the dispute. And the
to be ordering you
of unmet needs.
outcome of any dialogue ruled by love is
around and you have no
harmony.
choice about when to do
In the end, Jackals are simply illiterate Giraffes. Once
your chores.
you've learned to hear the heart behind any message, you
discover that there's nothing to fear in anything another
Child: I don't want to do chores! They're stupid. If you
person says. With that discovery, you are well on your
want them done, you do them.
way to compassionate communication. This form of
dialogue, although offering no guarantees of agreement
Parent: You really hate doing chores and you would like
between disputing parties, sets the stage for negotiation,
me to do all of them?
compromise, and most importantly, mutual
understanding and respect.
Child: Yeah.. no.. I
In international disputes, as well as in
don't know. I just don't
relationship, business, classroom, and
feel like being bossed
Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, founder of
parent-child
conflicts, we can learn to hear
around. (The child is
the international nonprofit Center for
the human being behind the message,
becoming vulnerable
Nonviolent Communication, has
regardless of how the message is framed. As
and starting to open up
taught these empowering skills for
we do that, we move from conflict and
because she's feeling
over 30 years to the general public as
heard without
well as to parents, diplomats, police,
coercive language towards compassion and
judgment.)
peace activists, educators, and
the language of the heart.
managers. Based in Switzerland, Dr.
If we have been Jackalish and demanding in the past, the
Rosenberg travels worldwide in response to communities
people close to us may need a lot of empathy at first. So
that request his peacemaking services and skills. He has
we listen and listen, reflecting back with guesses about
provided mediation and training in over two dozen
what they are feeling and wanting, until they feel heard
countries, including war-torn Rwanda, Croatia,
and shift out of being defensive. We don't take anything
Palestine, Sierra Leone, and Ireland.
personally, for we know that upset, attacking, defensive
For more information:
statements are tragic expressions of unmet needs. At
Center for Nonviolent Communication
some point, the person's voice and body language will
Tel: +1 818 957 9393 from anywhere
indicate that a shift has occurred.
Email: [email protected]
Website: www.cnvc.org
Adapted by Kathy Masarie and Jodeanne Bellant Scheer from Nonviolent Communication, by Marshall Rosenberg PhD. www.cnvc.org
Needs Inventory
“A need is life seeking expression within us.” Marshall Rosenberg PhD
Autonomy
• To choose one’s
dreams, goals,
values
• To choose one’s
plan for fulfilling
one’s dreams, goals,
values
• Freedom
• Choice
• Independence
• Space
• Spontaneity
Connection
• Acceptance
• Affection
• Appreciation
• Belonging
• Closeness
• Community
• Consideration
• Emotional Safety
• Empathy for self
and others
• Inclusion
• Inspiration
• Intimacy
• Love
• Order
• Peace
• Reassurance
• Respect
• Self-love
• Support
• Sympathy
• Trust
• Understanding
• Warmth
Meaning
• Awareness
• Celebration of life
• Challenge
• Clarity
• Competence
• Consciousness
• Contribution
• Creativity
• Discovery
• Efficacy
• Effectiveness
• Growth
• Learning
• Making a
contribution
• Mourning
• Participation
• Purpose
• Self-expression
• Stimulation
• Understanding
Physical Nurturance
• Air
• Food
• Movement, exercise
• Protection from
life-threatening
forms of life:
viruses, bacteria,
insects, predators
• Rest/sleep
• Sexual expression
• Shelter
• Touch
• Water
Celebration
• To celebrate the
creation of life and
dreams fulfilled
• To celebrate losses:
loved one, dreams,
etc. (mourning)
Integrity/Honesty
• Authenticity
• Creativity
• Honesty (the
empowering
honesty that enables
us to learn from our
limitations)
• Meaning
• Presence
• Self-worth
Play and Recreation
• Exercise
• Fun
• Joy
• Humor
• Laughter
Spiritual Communion
• Beauty
• Communion
• Ease
• Equality
• Harmony
• Inspiration
• Order
• Peace
• Unconditional love
Adapted by Kathy Masarie and Jodeanne Bellant Scheer from Nonviolent Communication, by Marshall Rosenberg PhD. www.cnvc.org
Feelings We May Experience When Our Needs ARE Being Met:
Affectionate
Compassionate
Empathetic
Friendly
Loving
Openhearted
Sympathetic
Tender
Warm
Excited
Amazed
Animated
Ardent
Aroused
Dazzled
Eager
Energized
Stimulated
Confident
Empowered
Open
Proud
Safe
Secure
Enthusiastic
Enchanted
Giddy
Invigorated
Lively
Passionate
Surprised
Vibrant
Engaged
Absorbed
Alert
Curious
Engrossed
Fascinated
Interested
Intrigued
Involved
Spellbound
Exhilarated
Blissful
Ecstatic
Elated
Enthralled
Exuberant
Radiant
Rapturous
Grateful
Appreciative
Moved
Thankful
Touched
Hopeful
Confident
Expectant
Encouraged
Optimistic
Peaceful
Calm
Clearheaded
Comfortable
Centered
Content
Equanimity
Fulfilled
Mellow
Quiet
Relaxed
Serene
Joyful
Amused
Blissful
Delighted
Glad
Happy
Jubilant
Pleased
Tickled
Relieved
Comforted
Reassured
Satisfied
Serene
Still
Tranquil
Trusting
Inspired
Amazed
Awed
Moved
Wonder
Refreshed
Enlivened
Rejuvenated
Renewed
Revived
Feelings We May Experience When Our Needs ARE NOT Being Met:
Afraid
Apprehensive
Frightened
Mistrustful
Panicked
Scared
Suspicious
Terrified
Wary
Worried
Annoyed
Aggravated
Dismayed
Exasperated
Frustrated
Impatient
Irritated
Angry
Enraged
Furious
Indignant
Livid
Outraged
Resentful
Embarrased
Ashamed
Chagrined
Flustered
Mortified
Self-conscious
Aversion
Contempt
Disgusted
Distaste
Hatred
Horrified
Hostile
Repulsed
Confused
Ambivalent
Baffled
Bewildered
Dazed
Hesitant
Lost
Mystified
Perplexed
Puzzled
Torn
Disconnected
Alienated
Apathetic
Bored
Cold
Detached
Disengaged
Distracted
Indifferent
Muddled
Numb
Withdrawn
Agitated
Alarmed
Disturbed
Restless
Rattled
Shocked
Startled
Surprised
Troubled
Uncomfortable
Uneasy
Upset
Fatigued
Beat
Burnt out
Depleted
Exhausted
Lethargic
Listless
Tired
Weary
Tense
Anxious
Cranky
Distressed
Fidgety
Frazzled
Irritable
Jittery
Nervous
Overwhelmed
Pain
Anguished
Bereaved
Devastated
Heartbroken
Lonely
Miserable
Remorseful
Sad
Depressed
Dejected
Despondent
Disappointed
Discouraged
Gloomy
Hopeless
Unhappy
Vulnerable
Fragile
Helpless
Insecure
Leery
Reserved
Sensitive
Shaky
Yearning
Envious
Jealous
Longing
Nostalgic
Adapted by Jodeanne Bellant Scheer from Nonviolent Communication, by Marshall Rosenberg PhD. www.cnvc.org
Feeling vs Pseudo feelings (Non-Feelings)
From “Identifying and Expressing Feelings” in Non-violent Communication book
In the English language we often use the word “feel” without actually expressing a
feeling, i.e. “I feel like you don’t love me” is expression of a thought not a feeling
1. In general feelings are not being clearly expressed when “feel” is followed by:
Words such a that, like, as if
I feel that you should know better
I feel like a failure
I feel as if I am living with a wall
The pronouns I, you, he, she, they, it or their actual names/roles
I feel I am constantly on call
I feel it is useless
I feel my boss is being manipulative
2. Use the actual feeling rather than descriptions of what we think we are
Say “I feel disappointed in myself as a guitar player
Rather than I feel inadequate as a guitar player which is assessing your ability
3. It is important to use words that describe actual feelings rather than words that describe
when we think others are doing around us.
Say I feel sad or I feel discouraged
Rather than I feel unimportant and misunderstood by the people I work with
which describes how you think others are evaluating you in the office or
your assessment of the other person’s level of understanding
Here is a list of pseudo-feelings that are actually our evaluation of othersÆ they imply
blame and often result in defensiveness on the part of the recipient of this message.
Abandoned
Abused
Attacked
Betrayed
Boxed-in
Bullied
Cheated
Coerced
Co-opted
Cornered
Diminished
Distrusted
Interrupted
intimidated
Let down
Manipulated
Misunderstood
Neglected
Overworked
Patronized
Pressured
Provoked
Put down
Rejected
Taken for granted
Threatened
Unappreciated
Unheard
Unseen
Unsupported
Unwanted
Used
Adapted by Kathy Masarie and Jodeanne Bellant Scheer from Nonviolent Communication, by Marshall Rosenberg PhD.
www.cnvc.org
Nonviolent Communication – Quick Reference Guide
Expressing Honesty:
NVC Steps:
Giving Empathy:
When I see/hear……..
Observation
When you see/hear……..
I feel…………………
Feeling
Are you feeling…………
Because I need……...
Need
Because you need……...?
Request
Would you like……….?
Would you be willing….?
Action Request:
Would you be willing to……….. (or)
Would you like………..... (a specific,
do-able, positively stated
action in the present tense)?
Request for connection:
Would you be willing to tell me what
you heard me say?
Would you be willing to tell me how
you feel when I say that?
The 4 Essential Differentiations:
Giraffe
Language of Connection
Versus
Jackal
Language of Disconnection
Observation
Evaluations
Feelings
Thoughts
Needs
Strategies
Request
Demand
Adapted by Kathy Masarie and Jodeanne Bellant Scheer from Nonviolent Communication, by Marshall Rosenberg PhD.
www.cnvc.org