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Welcome to the
The Truce
Week Three – Creating Change
Homework
Preparing for Change
The key to a successful relationship is all about
ALIGNMENT
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Being in a position of agreement or alliance
Being equally important to the success of the relationship
Your partner is NOT the enemy. They are your partner – in life
Let’s start treating them that way.
Rules for alignment
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Acknowledge each other’s strengths and weaknesses in different areas of your
life.
Recognise that in today’s world no one person will be the leader or in a
position of authority
Sometimes both of you will make decisions together
Sometimes one partner will lead and the other will follow
Sometimes it will be the other way around
It will be up to you as a couple to decipher who leads and who follows depending
on your skills, ability, knowledge and wants/needs.
Establishing the REAL problem
What exactly is the problem?
Exercise One - What is the real problem?
Choose one issue with your present relationship. Write down the answers to the following
questions to try and ascertain what the real problem is behind this issue. Only focus on one
issue at a time.
1.
What are you actually angry, fearful or insecure about? Be specific about what the
problem is.
2. What do you believe this problem means about you and your life (or perhaps your child’s
life)?
3. How does this impact your self-worth or your quality of life? Why is this really important
to you?
4. Where do your beliefs come from? Where’s your evidence of this standpoint?
5. What is your partner’s perspective on the issue? What are their beliefs?
6. Do they have their self-worth wrapped up in this issue? Where do these beliefs come
from?
7. Why is it important to your partner, or why isn’t it important to them?
Establishing the IDEAL – what do I want?
What do I want?
Exercise Two – What do I want?
Take an aspect of your relationship you are feeling challenged by. Answer the following
questions.
1.
What is the ideal of the situation? Be very clear and specific.
2. Why does this mean so much to you? How will it add to your life?
3. What can your partner do to help you to reach this ideal - be specific?
4. Is your request realistic or is it fair?
5. How will your partner feel about this request? Does it go against their integrity, morals
and values? Will it grate upon their self- worth issues by doing it?
6. Are you flexible about the way you get what you want? Are you prepared to
negotiate or compromise?
If you are able to, perhaps make some time with your partner to ask him/her these
questions too. You might be surprised by how much insight you get into yourself and
your partner when you do this.
However, if the communication between you and your partner is really poor
it might be best to wait until you move through the rest of this program
before discussing this with your partner.
Effective Communication Strategies
The Theory
Setting the stage for effective communication
What you MUST remember
when communicating with ANYONE
This understanding forms the basis of completely
changing the way you communicate
The What’s in it for me? Factor
EVERYONE wants to…
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Feel good
Experience pleasure
Feel heard
Feel understood
Be accepted
Be loved
Feel valued
Be respected
Feel like their okay
Avoid painful experiences
Rules & strategies for successful communication
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Establish some fair rules
Before you begin, establish what the rules are for how you communicate with each
other.
 Things you mustn’t do - no swearing, yelling or put downs. Let the other one
finish talking.
 A talking stick if you need one - grab an object you can use as a talking stick.
When the person holding the stick is talking the other person’s job is to listen.
 Establish an expectation that you will contemplate what each other is saying and
try to understand their perspective as simply their perspective and not an
indication of your worth.
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Find the right time to hold the conversation
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Create an intention for the conversation before you begin
 Establish a goal for the conversation
 Set a standard of attitude you both intend on maintaining
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Gently ease into conversation to avoid defensiveness
 Think about how you’re going to lead into the discussion
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Know what you want and are campaigning for
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Create a safe space for your partner to openly discuss their standpoint without
judgement or ridicule
General tips for effective communication
General tips for successful communication
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Understand your partner’s behaviour
 Don’t personalise their behaviour – it’s not about you, it’s about what’s in it for them.
 What is their priority for behaving this way (their what’s in it for me? factor)? What
is their payoff?
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Use “I” statements when talking about your standpoint on an issue
 I feel…..when this happens
 When ‘x’ happens, I feel ‘y’…
 Avoid accusation when discussing a problem – “You always….”; “You never…”.
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Try not to say ‘Why did you do that?
 Asking why automatically puts someone in a position to defend their actions
 Instead, ask “What was happening for you”, or “What were your thoughts when that
was happening?”
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Repeat back what the other person has said
 “What I’m hearing you say is….”
 “So what you’re saying is…”
General tips for successful communication (cont)
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Try to start with a positive before addressing the problem
 Avoid saying “You do this and I appreciate it, but.....” Because the ‘but’ tends to
negate anything that you’ve just said before it. It’s likely all the other person will
hear is the bit that comes after the ‘but’.
 “I understand you do this because you want to help, and I’ve always loved that
you are very thoughtful in that way. Over the years this has been what I wanted,
however since x has happened I now realise ….”
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Know that it’s okay to disagree
 Where no compromise or solution is needed, respect that the other person may
just have a different view on the situation than you and let that be okay.
At the end of the day the only reason both of you believe what you believe is because
you have been taught to think this way based on your personal experiences
throughout your life. That doesn’t make either of your right or wrong, it just makes
you different. We are all different. We don’t need to spend time arguing about that.
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Be willing to take responsibility for your part in the problem and apologise
 “I know that I’ve done ‘x’ in the past to contribute to ‘y’….”
 “I can really see what you’re saying. I didn’t realise I made you feel that way. I’m
really sorry”
General tips for successful communication (cont)
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It’s okay to take a pause
 Don’t be afraid of silence. It’s okay to stop, take a breath, assess what has been discussed,
think it through, or just realign with your intention for the conversation.
 Take a moment to think about any important actions or decisions before answering.
 Don’t be afraid of putting a pause on the conversation altogether.
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Stay solution focussed
 Set an intention before you begin the conversation to help you stay on topic
 When you find the conversation trailing of from your intention, bring yourself back to the
topic at hand
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Use questions to get feedback from the other person
“What do you think we should do?” “What do you think is the answer?”
“What do you think is the solution to this problem?”
 Make the other person feel they are participating in the solution, not just have you dictate
what you want.
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Make suggestions, but ask for an opinion on them
“Would it work if I did ‘x’ and you did ‘y’? What do you think?”
Or “I suggest that we......what are your thoughts on that?”
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Cater to their self-worth
 Remember what drives all decisions and actions – the ‘What’s in it for me?’ factor
Communication tips for men talking to women
Communication tips for men talking to women
When communicating with women it is important to remember these key concepts:
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Women talk about their problems to connect with you.
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Talking about problems helps her to feel better about herself.
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The quality of her relationships is what makes her feel worthy.
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She is looking for understanding, support and proof that she is loved, nurtured
and cared for.
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Her primal fear is that she is not lovable or that you don’t love her.
Before speaking, ask yourself:
Is what I’m about to say going to come across as being unloving?
How to speak so a woman feels loved
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Speak with empathy and compassion for what she’s thinking or feeling.
 Acknowledge that you either know how she feels or you understand how she must be
feeling. She wants evidence that you are listening to her
 Repeating back what you’ve heard will go a long way in showing her this.
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Don’t take what she’s saying so literally.
 “You’re not listening” or “you never listen to me” actually means “I don’t think you
understood what I was just saying” or “I don’t feel like you care about how I feel.”
 Be mindful of statements she’ll make like ‘never’, ‘always’ or words that imply that
something occurs all of the time, as opposed to sometimes or often. Women say them
to express themselves, knowing that she’s not being literal.
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Don’t try to fix her.
 Women talk to connect. Often she’s just looking to vent or to get support and feel
better.
 If you’re not sure if you’re supposed to offer suggestions, ask: “Is there anything I can
do to help?” or “Do you want me to offer a solution, or are you just venting?”
How to speak so a woman feels loved (cont)
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Don’t shut down the conversation
 The only reason a woman would stop talking to someone is because she doesn’t want
anything to do with them and no longer cares for that person. When you stop talking
to her she deems that to mean you feel that way about her.
 If you do need your space, just communicate to her that your space is about you, not
about her. Tell her you need to go away and think about things for a bit, but make a
point of coming back so she develops trust that you will.
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Share your feelings with her
 She will feel more connected to you and will feel loved (because she feels you trust her
with your feelings).
 Ask for her support with something you are going through (just be sure to
communicate how she can do this.
 “I know you probably don’t mean to do it so I’m just letting you know that when you say
x, I feel y”
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Talk to her about life
 It doesn’t always have to be about your feelings. Talking is how she connects.
 Tell her about your day
 Ask her about her day too and engage with interest about her activities.
How to speak so a woman feels loved (cont)
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Respond to what she’s saying in a way that makes her feel understood..
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“I understand what you’re saying.”
“I get what you’re saying.”
“I hear you.”
“I can see how you would think that.”
If you’re not sure, ask.
 “Honey I love you and I want to support you, but I’m really not sure how. Can you tell
me what you’d like me to do for you to feel more supported?”
 Make sure she’s specific and you know exactly what you need to do.
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Explain why you need time out
 Reassure her that it’s not to get away from her, but to do something for you.
 Explain how much enjoyment you get from these activities or what you want the time out
for (to relax, unwind, think things over etc).
 Perhaps to show you care about her too, ask her if there’s any time out she might like to have
as well, because sometimes she won’t just take it due to her beliefs about her role in the
family.
How to speak so a woman feels loved (cont)
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When you’re feeling disrespected….
 Don’t shut down, talk to her.
 Let her know how you feel when she speaks/acts that way.
 If you are making huge efforts and are still feeling disrespected you might say, “I feel
like I’m trying to show you that I love you more and do things that are more supportive,
but I still feel disrespected. Is there something that I could be doing differently to help
you feel more supported?”
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Ask her how you can love her the way she wants to be loved
 She will be touched at your desire to want to make her happy because she’ll feel like
you care
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Remember how important it is for her to hear you say “I’m Sorry”.
 Taking ownership of your part in a problem helps her to resolve the issue and makes
her feel cared for and understood
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Reassure her
 Women can often be insecure and need you to reassure her that you think she’s great
 Let her know what a good job she’s doing (as a parent or something in her life in general)
Help her with her self-worth issues by:
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Acknowledging when you think she looks nice or when she’s done
something different in an attempt to look nice.
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Praise and encourage her job as a mother and/or as a working woman,
and how she’s doing a great job at managing both if this is the case.
Parenting is supposed to be her gender’s forte and these days women are
very critical of their own parenting abilities. Your reassurance of the job
she’s doing is greatly needed.
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Tell her you are proud of the way she handled something or how she
parents the kids.
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Speak highly of her in front of others.
Communication tips for women talking to men
Communication tips for women talking to men
When communicating with a man appreciation is paramount for a man to feel
respected. Learn to acknowledge and appreciate his:
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Work ethic,
His desire to protect and provide,
His desire to be the expert or the leader (knowledge),
His need for sexuality,
His need for personal space and to ‘run with wolves’,
His need to fix problems and make you happy.
His primal fear is that he is not good enough – that his ability to achieve in
any aspect of life is lacking.
Before speaking, ask yourself:
Is what I’m about to say going to come across as being
disrespectful or unappreciative?
How to communicate to help a man feel respected (cont)
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Don’t overload him with multiple problems.
 Be mindful of when you are complaining about multiple issues and recognise if he is
getting frustrated. His frustration is coming from his perceived inability to help you or
make you happy.
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Tell him when you’re ‘just venting’.
 Let him know that you are just talking things through and you don’t need him to offer
solutions.
 When you are just complaining and it’s not his fault be sure to clarify that it’s not his
fault. “I just feel like the house is never clean. I’m not saying it’s your fault. I’m just
telling you how I feel.”
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Be clear about what you want and how you say it.
 Say what you mean! Men are very literal.
 Don’t exaggerate or catastrophise a situation. If you are feeling overwhelmed right
now, then say “This is overwhelming right now”, rather than, “I’m always
overwhelmed. Nothing ever goes right for me.” He won’t know how to fix that and will
feel overwhelmed too.
 Don’t generalise by saying, “We probably should do…on the weekend” if you mean to
say you want him to do it.
How to communicate to help a man feel respected (cont)
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The reality is men are fixers.
 So let him offer solutions sometimes without getting offended.
 Recognise that’s his way of trying to help and make you happy.
 If you don’t want help because you’re just venting, let him know that he is helping by
just listening.
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Ask him for a favour, to help you or let him show his knowledge
 Men like to be needed, but don’t like to be told what to do.
 “Could you do me a favour?” or “Would you mind doing….” will likely be received a lot
better than “When you’ve done that, can you do this next?”
 Let him be right sometimes. Men pride themselves on being an expert. When it
doesn’t really matter who’s right or who’s wrong, why not let him have the final say.
 Acknowledge his advice and knowledge about things.
How to communicate to help a man feel respected (cont)
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Don’t assume his need for time out means something about you
 Don’t make him talk about his problems if he doesn’t want to. He will come to you if
he needs to talk.
 Recognise his tendency to figure things out for himself.
 Don’t make him feel guilty for doing something he enjoys.
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Don’t assume full stop!
 Unless he is literally saying he doesn’t love you or care about you then his
disengagement is most likely to be about something else.
 If he is disengaging from you it’s probably not because he doesn’t care for you, but
because he doesn’t feel like the way he does things is good enough.
 Step out of the world of ‘his behaviour means something about how he feels about me’
and actually ask him what was happening for him to be behaving that way. “What is
going on for you? Are you okay?”
 Don’t assume he is trying to offend you or hurt you. Ask him what he is thinking or
feeling and get a proper explanation for his actions. ““what were you thinking just
then when you did that.” or “what did you mean when you said…..”
Help him with his self-worth issues by:
There’s a lot of pressure on a man to be an achiever, especially when it
comes to money. Fearing he may not be good enough is where his
self-worth issues lie. You can help him by:
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Acknowledging how hard he works.
Encouraging him to be more of a leader and rely on him more for his
decisions.
Trusting his ability to be the provider and nurturer you know he can be.
Allowing him to make decisions and not judging or ridiculing him for
his mistakes.
Appreciating the ‘little things’ he does even when they are things you
would expect in a relationship.
Asking him for tips and advice.
Praise and appreciate his good decisions..
Communicating differently
Exercise Three – Communicating Differently
Write down some key points from above that will help you to remember some effective
communication strategies with your partner. Next time you have an issue that arises with your
partner take some time to ask yourself the following questions or write them in a journal.
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Write down what the situation was surrounding you feeling hurt by your partner.
Identify specifically how you feel you aren’t being loved or respected.
What could your partner have done differently to show you more love/respect?
Think about what was going on for your partner at that time.
a. How do you think they were perceiving the situation?
b. What did they have their self-worth attached to?
c. Was he or she just responding in their typical gender way and did they really mean
to hurt you?
How did you contribute to the circumstances surrounding the issue? Were they reacting to
your lack of love or respect?
What did you do after the incident?
a. Did you retreat and make him or her feel further disconnected?
b. Did you retaliate and bite back causing further disrespect or withdraw love?
c. Did you bring up past events in order to bring them down?
How could you have responded differently? Using the effective communication techniques,
what can you learn to do differently for next time?
What could you now say to your partner to reconcile that event and make them feel more
loved or respected?
Week Four
“The road map for a new way to
align and discuss issues”
Topics covered:
What does intimacy really mean?
How and when to compromise
The art of negotiation
The difference between compromise and negotiation
Putting it all together – a road map of the steps to take to understand the
problem, know what you want, communicate effectively, brainstorm
solutions and compromise and negotiate to create alignment.
• Learn our 5 step Mind TRACK to happiness process for moving forward.
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