Safety and The Lizard
Turtle, A. (2001) Safety and The Lizard:
The Essay - The Logic, Science, and Art of
Maintaining Safety between People.
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The Lizard: The Logic, Science, and Art of Maintaining Safety between People
By Al Turtle © 2001 (2008 Proofing and Editing by Ian Woofenden)
Thenumberoneissueofrelationshipsissafety.Itisthemostprimitiveandfirstconditionof
connectionwithothers.Safetyisaneasilymisunderstoodconcept.Peopletypicallysaytheyaresafe
whentheiractionsshowtheyarequiteunsafe.Andthusitisquiteimportantforpeopletogeta
commonunderstandingofwhatsafetyisandhowitworks.
Thisisparticularlytrueasourcultureusesthreatasanormaleverydaytooltogetwhatit
determinesisgoodbehavior.Manycouples,duringtheirromanticperiod,withdrawfromthe
mainstreamofourculture,andisolatethemselvesinordertostartbuildingasafecommunityfor
justthetwoofthem.AndyeteverycoupleIhaveseen,comesintotheofficemakingthesame
mistaketheyareusingthreatinanefforttogetlove.
Iintendthispapertohelppeopledefinesafety,understanditsstructureandprocesses,andto
developstrategiestoremovethreatandtobuild,ensure,andrecoversafety.
TheBrainandtheProblemofSafety
Safetystartswiththewaythehumanbrainisbuilt.WhenIwasastudentofbrainphysiology,Iwas
firstintroducedtothetripartitebrain.Theideawasthattherewerethreedistinctmajor
subsystemsinourbrains.Atthebaseofthebrain,inthebottomofourskulls,startinginourupper
neckandincludingthespinalcord,isagroupingofstructurescalledthehindbrain.Sittingontopof
thatiscurvedgroupofstructurescalledthemid‐brain,orsometimescalledthelimbicsystem.And
thencappingthewholewasthelargeforebrainthecortex.Thenamesgiventhesethreebrain
sectionscamefromcomparativeanatomyandseemtoreflectevolution.Thelowerstructureis
commontoallspinalcordedanimals.Reptileshavethissectionaloneanditiscommonlycalledthe
reptilianbrain.Allmammalshavethisreptilianbrain,plusthecurvedadditionofthemammalian
brain.Wehumanshaveareptilianbrain,plusamammalianbrain,plusthenewadditionof
theso‐calledprimatebrain.
IdonotlikethewordbrainforallthesepiecesasIthinkitimpliesthattheycanactindependently
whichtheycant.Iliketothinkofthereptilianbrainasthebasicsystem,towhichisaddeda
mammalianadditioninmammals,andfinallyaprimateadditioninthehigheranimals.Thusthe
functionalityofeachpieceisaddedontothatofthelowersections.Thisunderstandingofadditions
helpsmeunderstandhumanbehaviormuchbetter.
ThePrimateAddition,Cortex
Tounderstandsafety,Ivefounditusefultograspafewconceptsabouteachsectionofthebrain.
Remember,thecortexiswhatmakeshumansabletodowhatmammalscannot.
WeForgetNothing,ThoughWeMayMisplaceItforaWhile.
Theprimatebrain,orcortex,islikeagiantcomputerharddrive.Itisallaboutdatastorage.The
vastmajorityofwhateverhappenedtoyouisstoredinyourcortex.Whathappenedtoyou
yesterday,whatyoudreamedoflastnight,whatwentonduringfinalexamsinhighschool?Itisall
inthere.Thisisyourmemory.Itisvast.Memoriesarestoredthereevenifyoucantrecall,
remember,andretrievethematthemoment.Alsostoredarememoriesofeventsfromthevery
distantpast.Ifyouopenedyoureyesatthetime,whathappenedinthedeliveryroomwhenyour
werebornisthere,includingthecolorofthewalls.Thereappeartobememoriesfromthewomb
storedthere.IrememberthefirsttimeIwasworkingwithamaleclientwhenherecalledmemories
ofhiscircumcision.Notanicememory!Whileeverythingisremembered,thereisnoreal
mechanismforforgetting.
OurMemoriesareDatedorAged
Everynighttheprimatebrainsleeps.Thisisverycritical.Duringtheearlypartofyoursleep,the
indexestomemoriesarere‐written.Itiskindoflikealibrarianrebuildingthecardindexestothe
bookfileseachnight.Bytheway,ifpeopledontsleep,thingsgetweirdfast.Withinjustacoupleof
dayswithoutsleep,hallucinations,whereyoucanttellthedifferencebetweentheoutsideworld
andtheinnerworld,willstart.Whenyouareinthehospital,onethingthestaffisveryinterestedin
isyoursleep.Theyknowtheyaregivingyoudrugsthatmayinterferewithsleepandtheydont
wantyouhallucinatingwhiletheyareresponsible.
Memoriesarecodedwithasenseofwhentheyhappenedwithakindofhowlongagodidthis
happen?Oneofthere‐indexingoperationsisthechangingofthesedates.Afteronesleep,todays
memoriesbecomeyesterdays.Eachdaythedistanceofthememoryfromnowbecomesgreater.
Thismechanismallowsustoputmemoriesinthepast,togetsomedistancefromtheevents.Thisis
partofthesystemthathelpsusrecoverfromtraumascaryevents.Thoseofuswhoworkwith
peoplewhoexperienceaseveretrauma,liketheeventson9/11,wantpeopletosleepinorderto
getadistancefromtheirfears.
TraumaMemoryTheLegacyWeCarryofaScaryChildhood.
Ababyisbornwiththeprimatebrainincompletelydeveloped.Apparentlythereptilianbrainis
fullyfunctionalsometimebeforebirth.Themammalianbraincomesonlinewithinmonthsof
birth.Butthecortexisstilldevelopingforyearsandbecomescompletearoundage12.Thelast
capacityistheabilityforabstractthinking.Thisskillhasasignificanteffectonsafety.Aperson
needsabstractthinkinginordertodealwithmemoriesofterrorandtograspthatamemoryor
thoughtisnotthesameastherealevent.
Anexampleofthisisthedifferencebetweenhoweightyearoldsandfourteenyearoldshandle
horrormovies.Theyoungerkidlikelywillbesomewhatfrozenbythemovie.Theeventsarerealfor
him.Noamountoftellinghim,Itsjustamoviewillwork.Hisbrainisnotreadyforthatconcept.
Nowtheolderkidmayenjoythemovieandtellyouallaboutit.Ivelearnedthatthedifference
betweentheyoungerkidandtheolderisthattheolderonecanholduglyfactsintheirawareness,
whiletheyoungercannothandlethismaterialwithoutturningaway.Whathappenstotheyounger
kidsmemories?Thedesignofthedevelopingprimatebrainhandlesthis.Thehorrormemoryis
shuntedintoasectionofmemorycalledtraumamemory.Thisisaplacewhereuglymemoriesare
stored,butdonotneedtobeconsciouslyremembereduntilthecortexcompletesitsabilityfor
abstractthinking.Irecentlywitnessedaneventwhereaneightyearoldwasintheforestwhena
bearranstraightathim.Adultswerepresent.Somedogsscaredoffthebear.Whenaskedlater
abouttheincident,theboysaid,Whatbear?Hedidntremembertheincidentjustanhourlater.He
dforgottenalready.
Thatsenoughaboutthewonderfulcortex.
MammalianAddition,LimbicSystem
Thereareseveralinterestingcharacteristicsthatrelatetothemid‐brain.Remember,these
functionsarethingsthathumansalldoalso,andthatreptilescannot.
Emotions:JoyandGrief
Hereisthelocationofthefunctionswecalltheemotionsofjoyandgrief.Sincethelowerbrain,the
reptilian,controlstheemotionsoffearandanger,mammalshavetheentirefullsetofemotions.
Thismightbepartofthereasonthatchildrenlikemammalssomuch.Mammalsarefullyemotional
likeus,butdonthavethecortexscapacityforlyingorbeingsneaky.
ReliableCommunity
Themostinteresting,tome,functionalityofthemammalianbrainistheneedforreliable
community.Hereisthatneedforlivinginherds,inpacks,invillages.Horsesaretrained
easily;theyeventrainthemselves,bythreateningdismissalforbadbehavior.Mammalsneed
membershipliketheyneedair.Goingfurther,wecansaythathumanhermitsarenotborn.
Theyaretaught.Humansaswellasmammalsaredesignedtoliveinacommunity.Theneed
fortogetherness,theavoidanceofalonenessishard‐wired.Ahermitisapersonwhoneeds
closeness,butwhoseexperiencesofclosenesshavebeensobad,thattheypreferloneliness,
towhattheyrememberaboutcloseness.
ReptilianBrain:TheBrainStem
Whiletheupperbrainsectionsarefascinating,itisthelowestbrainthatistheseatofalltheenergy
ofsafety.Thefollowingfunctionsarecommontoallhumans,mammalsandreptiles.
AutomaticFunctions
First,thereptilianbrainprovidesalltheautomaticfunctions:breathing,digestion,heartrate,
etc.Thispartofthebrainissoreliablethatweenjoysleep.Whokeepsusgoingwhilewe
sleep?Ourreptilianbraindoes24hoursaday.Itneversleeps.Iliketothinkthatthe
GoodLordcameuponadesignofabrainabout500millionyearsagoandfounditsogood
thatHe/Shedidntchangeitatallsince.Allofushaveprettymuchthesamedesignof
reptilianbrainaseveryoneelse.Thefunctionsareprettysimple,butelegant,andofallthings
reliable.Hereissomethingallofuscanreallytrust.
And,boy!dowenormallytrustit!Thisisthepartthattakescareofyouwhenyousleep.Do
yousleep?Doyouliketojusttakeabreakafterastrenuousperiodandjustletitallgo?For
amoment,thinkhowdelicioussleepcanbe.Thenthinkaboutwhoiskeepingyoualiveduring
yournap?Whoiskeepingyoufromsmotheringyourselfbyaccident?Thatincredibly
reliable,yetsimple,devicecalledyouroldreptilianbrainisfullyincharge.Simple!AnIQof1,
butwhataone!
Survival
Thesecondfunctionofthislowerbrainissurvival.Itmakessensethatthisimportantfunction
wouldbeinthisreptilianpartofthebrain.Withoutitearlyevolutionarycreatures,dinosaurs,
wouldhavediedoutsolongago.Evolutionwouldnthavehadthetimetocreateapes..And
humanswouldnthavecometoexist.Thiselegantdevicethatresidesinallofusmanages,
notonlyoursurvival,butalsotheentireissueofsafetythatissocriticaltocouplesliving
together.
Ifyouarenotcomfortablewiththetheoryofevolution,letmejustpointoutthatGoddecided
toputthisfunctionofsurvivalinallcreatures:lizards,mammals,andprimates.Andto
accomplishthis,Heplaceditinthesimplestcommonpartofallourbrains.
HereishowtheSurvivalfunctionworks.About50timesasecond,thispartofthebrainasks
thequestion,AmIsafe?IftheanswerisYes,weexperienceasetofactionsrelatedto
safety.IftheanswerisNo,thenthisreptilianpartofthebraintakesoverinmilliseconds,
andweoperateinanemergencymode.ThisiswhatIcallthepanicornot‐safemode.Ionce
heardthephrase,thetriumphofreactionoverreflection.Well,itisthissurvivalfunctionin
thebaseofourbrainsthatisthesourceofallreactivity.Itissimple.Wereactautomatically.
LifeorDeath
Thispartofthebrainisnotdesignedforsubtlety.Itseemstoonlythinkoflifeordeath.
Whenitisrelaxed,thereisnosignofdeathcomingfromitspointofview.Fear,tothispart
ofthebrain,issomethingliketheideathatGodzillaisoutthere.Alittlefear,anxiousness,
meansGodzillaisfaroffbutiswanderingaround.PaniccomesacrossasGodzillais
standingrightbehindandtryingtograbyou.Thispartofthebrainiseitherinsafemodeor
panicmode,butneverboth.
GettingtoKnowYourLizard
Gettingtoknowthisreptilianbrainistomakefriendswithaco‐residentbeing.Ithasamindofits
own.Itisverypowerful.Itcannotbecontrolled.Itseesthingsfollowingafairlysimplesetofrules.I
callitmylizard,andgettingtoknowmylizardhasbeenajoyandrelief.Somanyofmybehaviors
andreactionsnowmakesense.Firstletsgettoknowhim.(Sandratellsmealllizardsaremale.)You
willknowhimbyhisactivity.Hehastwogears:safeandunsafe.
Unsafe
Whenyourlizardorminebelievesheisgoingtodie,hekicksintooneoffourbehaviorsthatyou
caneasilyseeinyourselforothers:flee,freeze,submit,orfight.AsIdescribethesebehaviors,look
atyourownactionsandthoseofpeopleyouknow.Learntorecognizeareactive,panickyLizardat
aglance.
Flee
Fleeingisamostvisiblebehaviorthatremovesapersonfromasituation.Reptilesscramble
awayacrosstherocks.Birdsdartoff.Bunnieshopoff.Theonlysurvivalskillforhorsesis
runningaway.Buthumans,withtheircortexfulloflearned,optionalbehaviors,arevastly
morecomplex.Whenthereptilianbrainsays,Flee!thecortexcomesupwith1001waysto
getaway,suchas:
Getinthecaranddriveoff
‐Goouttothegarage
‐Stayatwork
‐Hidebehindthenewspaper
‐Golf
‐Sitatthecomputer
‐Animportantengagement
‐Changethesubject(myfavorite)
‐Rememberthesong:50WaystoLeaveYourLover
Asubtleexampleshowsindrivingacar.Irecallduringmyhistoryofdrivinghomefromwork
anddrivingtowork.SometimesIwoulddrivehomeslowly,minimizingmytimeathomefor
homewasnotsafe.SometimesIwoulddrivetoworkslowlyanddrivehomequicklywhen
homewassaferthanwork.
AtrickyoneshowedupinacoupleIworkedwith.Theyusedtofightlateatnight.Inthe
middleoftheargumentoneofthemwouldsuddenlygotosleep,sometimesinmid‐sentence.
AfterItaughtthemaboutthelizard,thecouplesharedwithmethatthiswasfleeing
behavior.Thesleeperhadrunaway!
Remember,alizardthatisthinkingforitselfandisjudgingthesituationtobealifeordeath
conditioninitiateseachofthesebehaviors.Itdoesnthelptoblameapersonwhoisfleeing.
Theirfleeingmakessensetotheirlizard.
Ihavealsolearnedtonevergoafter,orpursue,apersonwhoisfleeing.Afterall,theirlizard
alreadyisrunningfromimaginedeath.Thisiswhystalkingdoesntwork.Note:when
someonepullsawayfromyou,inpanic,givehimorheranassist.Helpthemgetaway.They
willcomebackallthequicker.Sinceitwastypicalofmetopursuemypartner,Iputupasign
athome.Youwillnevergetlovebychasingalizard!Thesignhelpedme.
Freeze
Freezingisthebehaviorofthedeerintheheadlightsofacar.Freezingisbecoming
motionlessinvisible.ThereisaprincipleamonglizardsandmammalsthatifIamnot
moving,Iamnotseen,Iamnotthere.Thinkofwhatreptilesdomostofthetimeatthe
reptilehouseinthezoo.Theydonothing.Actually,theyarebecominginvisibleforthesake
ofsurvival.Becomingmotionlessinvolvesdecreasingallbodilyactivitiessuchasbreathing.
Whenourlizardtellsustofreeze,ourcortexrushesthroughthe1001waystobecome
invisibleandtriesone.Inmyoffice,Iwatchpeoplesbreathing.Whentheystopfora
moment,Isensethattheirlizardhasbecomepanicky.Idontknowwhatabout,butItendto
lookaroundinwhattheyorIweresayingatthemomentbeforethebreathingstoppedfora
sourceoffear.
WhenIteachaboutsafetytoagroup,atthispointIusuallyaskforavolunteertocomeup
andbeinfrontofpeople.Itellthemtheywillstanduponachairanddosomethingsafebut
abitsilly.ThenIwaitforthevolunteertocomeforward.WhileIwaitIcountthenumberof
peoplesittingdeadsilent,usuallythewholegroup.ThenIsay,Well,nowIhave24people
freezing.
Freezingisthebehaviorofkidsinaclassroomwhentheteacherasksaparticularlydifficult
question.Noonemoves.Noonewantstocallattentiontohimorherself.Averycommon
formoffreezingamongmalesispracticaljoking.Apracticaljokeisapieceofcrueltydoneto
anotherperson.Ivecometoseepracticaljokesasakindofsadismcrueltydonefor
pleasure.Butwhatmakesthiscrueltyfreezingisthecomment,Cantyoutakeajoke.Iwas
justfunning!Bythosecommentsthecrueloneiserasingtheirmeanness.Theyare
becominginvisible.
Anotherextremelycommonformoffreezingisaskingquestions.Letssayyouhavebeen
thinkingaboutgoingouttodinnerallday.Youhavebeenimaginingaparticularrestaurant
andthewonderfulwaytheyservefood.Whenyourpartnerarriveshomedoyousay,Lets
gotodinnertonightatso‐and‐so!?No.WhatyousayisWhatdoyouwanttodotonight?
Thatquestionispoppedontheotherpersonandallthethinkingaboutdinnerisinvisible.Now
ifyourpartnerissensitive,theymayguessyouareuptosomething.Theymaystartatricky
kindofguessinggame.Uh.Letssee.McDonalds?Oh,oh,no!(seeingtheslightdowncast
lookonyourface)Well,howaboutamovie?Allthetimetheyaretryingtofigureoutwhat
youwant.
Ofcoursethereasonpeoplearefreezing,hidingtheirsadism,askingquestions,isbecause
fromtheirlizardspointofview,beingdirectmeansgettingkilled.Lyinglowissafer.
Lying,particularlythepassivekindisaformoffreezing.Activelyingissayingthatwhichis
notso.Passivelyingisnotsayingwhatisso.Iamsousedtolyingasanormalformof
survivalamongmyclientsthatIhaveaspecialdefinition.Toleavesomeoneinastateof
misunderstandingaboutsomethingthatyoubelievetobeimportanttothem.Peopleliefor
onereasononly:itisnotsafetotellthetruth.Morefullytheyliebecausetheirlizardthinks
theywillbekilledfortellingthetruth.
Itdoesnthelptoblamesomeoneforfreezing.Theirfreezingmakessensetotheirlizard.
Trytomakethemfeelsafe.Ialsothinkitfoolishtoblameapersonwholies.Ifsomeoneis
lyingtoyou,considerwhatyouaredoingtocomeacrossasasourceofdangertohisorher
survival.Remember,itmakessenseforthemtotellaliesensetotheirlizard.
Anothertypicalwayoffreezingisrespondingtoaquestionbysaying,Idontknow.Itisa
safewaytoretreat.Idontknowusuallymeansdontaskagainanddontgetany
closer.
Ithinkthegeneralgoalistorecognizethepanicbehaviorandworktowardsafety.
Submitting
Submittingisthebehaviorofgivingintoanother.
Youveprobablyseenpuppiesplayfullyfighting.Atapoint,onerollsontoitsbackanddoesnt
move.Theotherstandsovertheproneoneforabit,becomesboredandwalksoff.That
rollingoverwithlegsintheairissubmittinginmammals.
Bytheway,donttrustcats.Oneoftheirattackmodesinvolvespullingathreatoverontop
ofthem,holdingonwithfrontlegsanddisembowelingtheotherwiththeirhindlegs.
Turnlizards,birds,oralligatorsoverandtheywillbecomeparalyzedforabit.Submittingisa
survivalmechanismoftheoldlizardbrain.
Wolvesdonotfightotherwolvestothedeath.Eachmemberofthepackistoovaluabletokill
andtheydontwanttoloseevenone.So,wolvesfighttothesubmitgesture.
Grizzlybearsfightstandingup,clawingateachother.Suddenlyoneturnsitsheadtotheside
andbaresitsthroat.Bothstopfightingandwalkoff.
Inwesternnationalparks,therangersgiveinstructionsthatifabearattacks,youshouldroll
inaball,protectingyourstomach,andlielow.Thebearwillthinkyouaresubmittingand
consideryouanon‐threatalmosteverytime.
Butthereisanadditionalthingtosubmitting.Recallthepuppiesfightingplayfully.Whenthe
winnerwalksoff,itisoftenattackedfromtherearbythepreviouslyproneloser.Thisisa
reminderthatsubmittingisatwo‐stepprocess:submit,andthenrevengeorattacklater.
Thissecondstepisnotsoimportantamongmammals,whohavelittlememory.Dogssubmit
nicely,mostofthetime.Butthesecondstepofrevengebecomesamajorprobleminhumans
withallthatmemory.Steptwoisoftencalledresentment.Andresentmentbuilds.Itisa
primarydestabilizingforceinhumanrelationships.Whenyouseeahumansubmitting,you
probablycansensethatthereistroubleaheadsometime.
Letmeillustratethisbyanimage.Letssayyouareassignedasahuntertokillagrizzlybear
thathasbeencausingalotoftrouble,killingcattleforexampleandisnowthreateningpeople
ataremotecampingarea.Soyoutakeyourgun,200calibers,andgotothecampingarea.
Youlookaround.Nobear.Soyouputyourgunonthecamptable,pickupyourbucketand
gotothestreamtofillitwithwater.Thenthebearjumpsoutatyou.Soyouformaball,
protectyourvitals.Thebearpawsyouaroundalittle,maybescratchesyou.Youlielow.The
beargetsboredandwalksoff.Whathappenswhenitis100yardsaway?Yougetup,get
yourgunandblowitaway.Now,whydidthebeardie?Ithastoolittleabrain.Itsawyou
submittingandsaidtoitself,Ohheck,thehunterissubmitting.SoIamthewinner.Where
aresomeberriestoeat?Andthusthebeardies,allbecauseofasmallbrainnocortex.If
ithadabiggerbrain,itmighthavesaidsomethinglikethis.Ohheck,thehunteris
submitting!Noproblem.Oh,waitasecond.Huntershaveacortex.TheyllrevengemeifI
walkoff.IguessIhavetokillthisone.Thiswaythebearlives.Biggerbrain.
Inthe1960s,abouthalfofourpopulationwokeuptotheideathattheyhadbeensubmitting
foryears,centuries,millennia.Womenbeganexpressingtheirresentmentinpowerfulways
andpainfulwaysthatstartledmen(smallbrains?).Men,whohadbeenusedtowomens
submissionforcenturies,nowwerefindingthemselvesdivorced.Ithinkthisprocessisstill
spreadingacrossthecountryinvariouseconomicandsocialgroups.Womensimplydonot
seetheneedtosubmitanymore.Forawhileitwasprettyeasyforthemtotaketheir
children,divorcetheirhusband,andgetpaidforthewholething.Ifyouwonderaboutthis
resentmentthing,golistenintodiscussiongroupsatanylocalwomenscenter.
Inthe1980s,theotherhalfofourpopulationbegantoshowsignsofresentment.Men
haventhadagooddealinourcultureanymorethanwomen.Mensresentmentisabit
hardertodetect.Themajorsymptomsaremengivinguptheirtraditionalroleaswage
earner.Menstarteddroppingout‐quittingcareersinindustryandbecomingcooksondude
ranches.Menbecamecouchpotatoes.Mengotdepressed.
Irecallmanywomenwhohaddivorcedtheirhusbandsandwhonowweresurprisedwhen
theirhusbandsfiledforbankruptcy.Thewomensincomewascutoff.Theywereshocked.
(Littlebrains?)
Anotherslightvariancebetweentraditionalmalesubmissionandfemalesubmissioninvolves
emotions.Womentraditionallystartserioussubmissionaroundage1012asthebeauty
ethictakesthemover.Readthebook,RevivingOphelia,byMaryPipher.Thisprocessof
submissiontolookstakesaterribletollonwomen.
Mentraditionallystartsubmittingaroundage4‐6,whentheyrealizethatthecultureexpects
themtobetoughandprepareforwar.Boysaretaughttoholdbackemotionsjustattheage
whentheyshouldbelearninghowtoappropriatelyexpressthoseemotions.Theyarealso
taughttocompeteandnottorelatetoothers,justattheagewhenrelationshipskillsarebest
learned.Andtheselessonsaretypicallybroughttothegrowingboybythesocializingparent,
hismom.Asadults,menarecriticizedforbeingunemotionalbytheirwives,whoaremembers
ofthegenderthattoldthemtonotbeemotionalinthefirstplace.
IrecallwatchingashowingofSavingPrivateRyan.Thewomeninthetheatrewereturning
awayfromthatlong,horrible,firstscene.Thenmenwereslowlynoddinginrecognitionofthe
horrortheyhadalltheirlivesbeenpreparingtohavetoface.Ioftentellwomenthatifthey
wanttounderstandmen,theymightwatchthatmovie.Menarebroughtuptobelievethey
cannotescapethatterror.Oftenwomenthinktheyareentitledtoavoidit.Thismakesforan
enormousgenderdifference!
Withallthissubmission,andrelatedresentment,flowingaroundbetweenthegenders,there
arelotsofreasonsforpeopletobeangryateachother.
Thereisanothergroupinourculturethatsubmitsevenmorethanmenorwomen.Childhood
isalmostoneconstantprocessofsubmissionfrombirthup.Childrenaretobeseenandno
heard,etc.etc.Andthenwhenkidsgettobeteenagers,weadultsareshockedattheir
rebellionandrage,andresentment.(Doweadultshavelittlebrains?)Ofcourse,our
culturessolutiontothisproblemistobuildmorejails!Itwontwork.
Itdoesnthelptoblameapersonwhoissubmitting.Submittingmakessensetotheir
lizard.Findoutwhatmakestheirreptilianbrainssothreatened.Worktomakethemfeel
safe.
Fight
Heck,youknowwhatfightingis.SoIwontexpandonit.ButIjustwanttopointoutthat
mostfightingisjustabehaviorofthelizardbrainbeingdefensive.Ithinkthatwithoutthreat,
fightingwontoccur.Itdoesnthelptoblameapersonwhoisfighting.Fightingmakessense
totheirlizard.
Safe
Whenyourlizardseesnoindicatorofdeath,herelaxesandpermitsfourvisiblebehaviors.AsI
describe
thesebehaviors,lookatyourownbehaviorandseeifyoucanwitnessyoursafelizard.Alsotakea
lookat
howyoufeelwhenyouobserveothersdoingthesethings.
Play
Playisplay.Playissilly.Playisridiculous.Playisnon‐productive.Playusuallyinvolves
farts.
Playisnevercompetitive.Footballiscompetitivebutisreallyananalogforwar.Competition
isallaboutwinningandmakingtheotherintoaloser.Competitionisallaboutfightingand
makingtheothersubmit.
Inchildren,playisoftenaboutlearninghowtodoadultthings.Inadulthood,playisabout
relaxingingroups.
Onewaytoknowifapersonslizardisactiveittoaskthemtobeplayful.Iftheycantbe
silly,theirreptilianbrainsareinactive.
Mate
Inprimatesandsomehighermammals,matingisanextensionofplay.Matingisreallynot
aboutmakingbabies.Inhumans,theimpulsetomateappearsbeforebabiesarepossible.
Thematingimpulseoccursfrequentlythroughoutthemonthwithnorespecttofertileperiods.
Andthematingimpulsecontinueslongafterhumanscannolongerhavechildren.
Matingissimilartoplayasitissilly,ridiculous,fun,non‐productive,andofteninvolvesfarts.
Wedoitinthebackyard,intrees,ontopofmountains,inthebushes,inthebathroom,and
probablyanywherepeoplecango.
Thereisanotherformofactivitythatproducesbabiesjustaswell.Itisreallysomeone
submitting,andsomeonefightingordemanding.Itscalledrape.
Nurture
Nurturingistheactofinvestingenergyinthegrowth,health,andwellbeingofanotherliving
beingoryourself.Nurturingisalwaysfocusedontheother,onthenurtured‐one.Nurturingis
oneformofloveadecisiontoinvestenergyinthewell‐beingofthelovedone.WhenIlook
attheplantinmyroomandwanttonurtureit,Icheckitforwater,forsunlight,etc.,allthe
thingsitmightneed.Inevertellittogrowcorn,asitisnotacornplant.
Unfortunately,manychildrendonotexperiencenurturingthroughouttheirchildhood.The
focusofsomeparentsisnotsomuchonthegrowth,health,andwellbeingoftheirchild,but
moreontheirownneeds.Childrenoftenknowtheywerentnurtured.Whattheyoften
experienceisakindofsubmitting,fleeingandfreezinginthefaceoftheirparentsfighting
demands.Childhoodisoftenremarkablyunsafe.
CreativeWork
Creativeworkisthekindofworkyoudoevenifyoudontgetpaid.Itisfun,joyful,and
attractiveinitsownright.Hobbies,gardening,painting,andvolunteerworkareexamples.
Mostworkisakindofsubmittinginthefaceofthefightingdemandsofemployers.
Manypeoplefindpartsoftheirjobarecreativeworkandputupwiththesubmittinginorder
togettodothefunstuff.
Thisisworkthatfeelsworthwhile.
TakeaLookatYourLizard
Askyourselfthesequestions:
Inthelast6monthswhenIamwithmypartnerIthoughtmylizardisnotsafewhat
percentofthetime?
WhatpercentofthetimeamIfleeing,freezing,submitting,fighting?
Orconversely,whatpercentofthetimeismylizardplaying,mating,nurturing,anddoing
creativework.
Inthelast6months,whatpercentofthetimehasmypartnerbeenlizard‐safe:i.e.fleeing,
freezing,submitting,andfighting?
WhenIfirstfellinlove,whatwerethepercentagesofsafeandnotsafe?
Shareyouranswerswithyourpartnerandbeginadiscussionoftheissueofsafety.
HowDoesYourLizardMakeTheseDecisions:Safeor
NotSafe?
TheLizardJumpstoNegativeConclusions
Thefirstthingaboutthelizardisthatitisextremelyquicktoreact.Sincethispartofthe
brainisover‐engineeredtowardsurvival,ittakeslessthan1/5secondtogofromfullyrelaxed
tofullydefensive.Thisiswhatwecallreaction.Ittakesatleast20minutestorecoverand
thisisnormal.Thinkoftryingtoshootagopherasitpokesitsnoseoutofitshole.Ifyou
miss,itwilltakealongtimetocomebacktothesurfaceagain.Thisquicknessisthesource
ofallthejumpingtonegativeconclusions.Apparentlythosecreaturesthaterredonthe
negativeside,asoftenasthepositive,diedoutalongtimeago.Wearedesignedtogofor
theworstconclusioneverytime.
Weveallexperiencedthiswhenwewakeupfromanightmare.Weturnthelightson,look
aroundtheroom,fordanger.Andnothingisthere.Butittakesalongtimetocalmdown.
Wearebuiltthisway.Trust,i.e.asenseofsafety,isslowtobuild.Doubtorfearisalmost
instantaneous.Reactivityiswhatkeepsusalive!
Weexperiencethisasafloodingsensationalloverourbodies.Thechemicaltransmitteris
adrenaline,whichissquirtedintoourbloodstreamandinlessthanahalfsecondhitsthe
majorityofcellsinourbody.
Thisisthestressreactionthatpreparesusforflightorfight(orfreezingandsubmitting).It
alsoshutsdownourimmunesystem,reducesthemovementofourchests(breathingis
interrupted),reducesthebloodflowtoourskin(wefeelcoldandgetcoldsweats),moves
bloodtoourstomach(feelsick),dilatesoureyes,andmaybeemptiesourbladderand
bowels.Strongstuff.ReadthebookWhyZebrasDontGetUlcersbyDavidRuenzelformore
onstressreactions.
Thesechemicalstakeabout20minutesataminimumtoberemovedfromthebloodstream.
Thusittakesafractionofasecondtomovetofullemergencyreactionorpanicmode,and
about20minutestorecoverorrelaxnomatterwhat.
[Rule1:Whenindoubt,theLizardreactsandgoesonthealert.]
TheLizardProtectstheRestoftheBrain
Interestingly,theLizardreactsifthenormalfunctionsofotherpartsofthebrainare
threatened.Ifthemid‐brainsneedforcommunityisthreatened,theLizardreactsinsurvival
mode.Whilethemid‐brainisproducingtheemotionofloneliness,theLizardmayinitiate
panicandfightingbehaviortomakesurethatyouarenotleftalone.Iftheprimatebrains
needfordiversityordifferenceisthreatened,theLizardmayavoidcontactfreezeorflee.If
theprimatebrainsautonomousbehavioristhreatened,theLizardmaybeginsubmitting
behavior.
Ourbrainsresistandfindpainfulmanythingsthatoursocietysaysarenormal.Forexample,
theJohnWayneimageoftheindependent,lonermaleisscarytoourmid‐brain.Human
brainsaredesignedtoliveinclosecommunity.Anotherexampleisthatsocietytriestocoerce
conformityandagreement,whileourcortexesarecompletelydesignedarounddiversity.
Againsocietyteachesobedience,whileourcortexisdesignedaroundindependentdecision
making.Inaway,ourLizardsreactionsareoftenrationalresponsestoacrazysociety.
TheLizardsactionsfrequentlyappearanti‐socialwhentheyarereallysimplyreactiveagainst
particulardysfunctionaltypesofsocialnorms.
FrequentlyitisthehiddenfearthedeepLizarddynamicthatisburiedinourfrustrations.
Mendingorsoothingtheseprofoundfearsseemstobeasuccessfulstrategyinresolving
interpersonalfrustrations.
[Rule2:YourLizardisyourbestfriend.Understandit.]
TheLizardisKindofBlind
Locatedinthebrainwhereitis,apparentlyitcannotseetheoutsideworldveryclearly.It
seemstogetglimpsesonly.Thatsenough.Basicallyitlooksupatthemid‐brain,whichlooks
atthecortex,whichisprocessingtheimagesoftheoutsideworld.
[Rule3:TheLizardcannottellthedifferencebetweenrealityandavividimagination.]
Ourcortexisoftencalledanassociationalcortex.Itlooksattheoutsideworldandthen
associateswhatitseeswithvastmemoryresourcesinordertomakesenseofwhatitsees.
Thelizardlooksinonthisassociationalactivity.Ioftenthinkthat5percentofexperienceis
outsideourbodiesand95%isfoundintheactivityofourbrainstryingtomakesenseoutof
thoseexperiences.
Anywaythelizardreactstotheassociations,theactivitiesoftheCortex,andnottothe
realityoftheworldoutsidethebrain..
Whatdoyouthinkanightmareis?Itisfullofassociationalactivity,ofimagination.During
dreamingyourbrainhasnorealitytogoby.Yetourlizardsbelieveallthoseimaginingsare
realandreacts.
Whenyouwakeupfromanightmare,youlookaroundandseenodanger.Butittakestwenty
minutesminimumtocalmyourlizarddown.Ittakesverylittleforourlizardstoimaginethat
everyoneislookingatyouwhenyouwalkintoaroomandtoreacttothatimagination.
TheLizardisinCharge
Inthelastexample,youcanseethatwakingupdoesnotstopthelizardsreaction.Ithasits
ownrules(20minutestosettledown).Youcannotchoosetocontrolit.Youcancooperate
withit,allywithit,butnotcontrolit.Ifyoufightwithittoohard,i.e.yousay,Itissafe
whenyourlizardisinsurvivalmode,itwilltakeover.Itholdscontrolofthebloodflowtothe
cortex,andwillcutthatbackorevenoff.Youwillpassout,faint,anddroptothefloor.And
yourlizardwillbemuchhappier.Itgotridofitsproblem‐yourthinking.Thisstateisoften
calledacoma.lizardishappy.Cortexisshutdown.
[Rule4:Nevertellanyone,theresnothingtobefrightenedof.
Iftheirlizardisactive,thereissomethingtobefrightenedof,
butitmaybeintheirrememberedorunrememberedhistory.]
Youcanseeanexampleofthisinapanicattack.Theseoccurwhenoursurvivalmechanism
createsitsownnightmareandthefeedbacksituationrunstothelimit.Kindoflikewhena
microphonegetstooclosetothespeakersinapublicaddresssystem.Thecortexisthinking
thoughtsthatscarethelizard.Thelizardstartstotakeaction,suchasshallowdeeper
breathing,andthecortexperceivesthebreathingasthreatening.Thisfurtherscaresthe
lizard.Theextremeresultofapanicattackispassingout,shuttingdownthecortex.Panic
attacksareagreatlearningexperience.Ifyoumasterthem,youhavelearnedhowtogive
youlizarditsproperpriorityinyourlifeitcomesfirst.
[Rule5:CooperatewithourLizard.Italwayswins.]
TheLizardHasFullAccesstoTraumaMemory
Allthestuffyoudontrecallfromyourchildhoodisfullyavailabletoyourlizard.Thismakes
sense.Woulditbeintheinterestofyoursurvivalforyourbraintoforgetdangerous,
traumaticexperiences?Inaway,thelizardisresponsiblefortraumamemory.Ontheone
handtheexperienceyoufacedasachildwasdangeroustoyourlizard.Ontheotherhand,
lettingtheas‐yet‐undevelopedcortexlookatthesememoriesisdangeroustothelizard.So
thelizard,actuallyapartcalledtheamygdala,makesthedecisionandroutesmemoriesofthe
experienceintotraumamemory.
Thusyourlizardwillreactfrequentlytostuffyoudontknowanythingabout.Andtrauma
memorynevergoesaway.Sincetraumamemoryisfullofrecollectionsthatwerepainful,and
painforchildreniswoundingtoagreaterorlesserextent,yourtraumamemoryisfullof
thingsthatprobablyneedtobeaddressedasanadultthatneedhealing.
[Rule6:Yourlizardneverforgetsthepast,
andreactsstronglytosubjectsthatneedhealing.]
TheLizardHasNoSenseofTime
Thismayseemodd,butapparentlythereptilianbrainhasnoconceptoftime.Itlivesinthe
forever‐now.Anythingitperceivesappearstobegoingoninthenow.Thuswhenyour
cortexisrecallinganeventfromthedistantpast,thelizardperceivestheeventasgoingon
currentlyandreactsinthesamewaytohistoricaleventsasitdoestocurrentevents.
[Rule7:Yourlizardlivesintheforevernow.
Itisimmediate,directandsimple.]
TheLizardsWayofSeeingtheWorldAStory.
Itellthisstoryonlytoshowthelogicaloperationsofthelizard.
Ioncesawawomanwhowasreferredtomebecauseofapanicattack.Shehaddiscovered
herselfinthegutteroutsidealaundromat,vomitingnexttohercar.Thisseemedtothe
hospitalstaffasaunique,onetimeevent,andtheyknewofmyworkwithsubjects.
Shewas38,fearfulthatshewasgoingcrazy,hadbeenrecentlydivorcedandwasnowliving
inanapartment.Thiswasherfirstvisittothislaundromat.Shehadapparentlymadeitto
thedoorofthestorewhenpanichitherandhernextmemorywasfromthegutter.
Isuspectedherlizardhaddetectedsomethingprettystrongandveryscarywhichboth
involvedhersenseofsmellandherstomach.Itoldhertonotgotothatlaundromat,butto
visitalltheotherlaundromatsintown,onlytogointothedoorwaysofthestores.Nextweek
shecamebackandreportedthatshehadastrongreactioninthreeofthemandnoreactions
intheothers.
Itoldhertowashherclothesinanylaundromatthatshehadnoreactionto.ThenItoldher
togetonthephoneandasktheownersaboutwhatfragrantproductstheyusedintheir
stores.Basedonthisdata,Iaskedhertoseeifthefourreaction‐causingstoreshadsome
productincommon,aproducttheotherstoresdidnotuse.
Shecalledmethreedayslater(withcleanclothesIimagine)totellmethattheproblem
productwasthebleach,Clorox.Iaskedhertocomeinnextweek,forIhadrecalled
somethingaboutClorox,butwantedherintheroomwhenIsharedtheinformationwithher.
Whenshecamein,Iinvitedhertoberelaxed.ItoldherIhadanideathatmightfrightenher
lizard.(Ihadalreadyexplainedallaboutthereptilianbraintoher.)IsaidIwouldonlytell
hermyideawhensheaskedmeto.Shesatquietlyforamomentandthensaid,Ok.Im
ready.
Itoldherthatclearliquidproducts,particularlythosethatareverydangeroustodrink,are
requiredtoaddasharpodortoalerttheunwary.IhadrecalledastudyfromNewYorkCity
thatwaspassedontomebymywifefromtheWomensCenterhereinCoeurdAlene.
ApparentlytheodorinCloroxinsomewayscloselyresemblesthesmellofmalesemen.
ShestoppedbreathingasIsaidthewords.Iwaited,toldhertotakehertime,andto
remembertobreathe.Finallysheburstintotears.Throughthemshetoldmeofthememory
ofhavingbeenorallyrapedfromage4thruage8byherfather.Ithadhappenedasoftenas
twiceaweek.Afterwardsshewouldgotothebathroomandvomit.
Itwasallthere.Thoseexperienceswerelongburiedinhertraumamemorysothatitwould
notbotherthelittlegirlshewasthenandwouldlethersurvive.Thatmemory,somehow,was
notverydeepanymoreandwhenshesmelledthatodoratthelaundromat,herreptilianbrain
sawthatpeniscomingagainandherlizardtookoverandgotherawayfast.
Itallmadesensetoher,aslongassheunderstoodthewayherreptilianbrainoperated.Also
withthatunderstandingshewasreadytograspthatshecouldnowhandlethatmemoryand
didnthavetolookaway.Bytheway,subsequentlyshetooksomeratherdramaticaction
withinherfamily,manyofwhomhadturnedawayfromhertroublesasalittlegirl,andsome
ofwhohadsufferedsimilarly.
WhatToDoAbouttheLizard?
TheProblem
Asyoucansee,yourreptilianbrainrapidlyjumpstoconclusions,cantseeclearly,reactstothings
thatoursocietysaysarenormal,isfullyawareoflotofscarymemoriessomeofwhichyouare
unawareof,andreactstolong‐goneeventsasactivelyasitdoestocurrentevents.
Thusyourallpowerful‐undefeatablelizardwillreactpassionatelytosmallandseeminginnocuous
events(triggers)thatremindyouoflongrepeatedpastevents.Probably95%ofapersons
emotionalreactionistotheirhistoryand5%istotheeventthattriggeredit.Curethe5%andyou
stillleavethe95%untended‐to.
Thepurposeofthispaperistohelppeoplemanagesafety,lizardsbeingcalm,whentheyare
together.Whenalone,thereareseveralsourcesofpanic.
Onesourceistriggersthatremindusofpastfrighteningevents.Anexampleisastrangenoiseinthe
housetriggersimagesyouhaveseeninscarymovies.Anothersourceistheveryactofbeingalone.
Thisisscaryforthemid‐brainandthelizardpicksthisalonenessupandcanpanic.
Themajorsourceofunsafetyiswithinrelationships.Almostallwoundsfromchildhoodoccurredin
arelationship:betweenthechildandcaretaker.Andalmostalladultreactivitylizardpanicoccurs
inrelationshipsofoneformoranother.
Intimaterelationshipsprovidethegreatestpossibilityforreactivity.Yourpartner,theoneyou
selectedbytheprocessoffallinginlove,willprovidethosepanictriggersinabundancebelieveme.
Andremember,myexperienceisthatifyoupayattentiontothetriggersonly,youmissthepoint.
TheSolutions:QuickorLong‐term
TheQuickFix
Theeasiestthingtodoistosomehowincreaseyourlizardsawarenessthatyourpartnerisnot
thepeoplethattheyremindyouoff.IfIreactdramaticallywhenyoudoso‐and‐so,because
itremindsmylizardofthe2,000timesthatdaddidthatsamething,allIdoisinviteyouto
clearlydistinguishyourselffrommydad(inmylizardseyes).Thenthenexttimeyoudosoand‐
so,mylizardmaypauseamomentanddoublecheck,Isthisdadoristhismypartner?
Thosefewsecondsofpausecangrowandgrowovertime.
Howdoyoudothis?Itisactuallyquiteeasy.Ifocusonthesetraitsofthelizard:Itisabit
blind,easytofool,anditlovesnurturing.Igetyoutodosomethingmylizardinterpretsas
nurturingandIgetyoudotothatoften.Mylizardbeginstoseeyouasbothremindingme
ofthreatsanddoingnurturingthings.Confusethatlizard!
CaringBehaviors‐MaketheList
Eachofyoumakesalistofthingsyourpartnerdoescurrentlythattriggersyoutofeelcaredfor
orloved.Thesemanticsofthosewordsseemtoreliablypointatbehaviorsthatlizards
interpretasnurturing.
Eachofyoumakesalistofthingsyourpartner(oranypartner)didinthepasttriggeredyou
tofeelcared‐fororloved.
Eachofyoumakealistofthingsyourcoulddothatyouthinkmighttriggeryoufeelcaredfor
orloved.
Nowyouhavealonglistofactionsthatmightwork.Rememberthatthelizardisprettyblind
anditreallyrecognizesactionsandrepetition.Itseemstobecompletelyblindtothoughts,or
promises,etc.
Nowconvertyourthreelistsintoonethatonlymentionstheactions.Justlistactions,nothow
manytimestheyshouldbedone.ThisisakindofdothisandIwillprobablyfeelcaredforor
lovedi.e.safer.Herearesomeexamples:
Bringmeacupofsomethinghot.
Takemyarminpublic.
Massagemyfeetwithoil.Take10minutes.
Givemeagreetingcard.
Cookbreakfastforme.
Callmewhenyouleaveworktotellmeyouarecominghome.
Askmeaboutmyday.
Therearelotsandlotsofthese.Makesureyourlistissimpleandclear.Now,tradelistsand
practice.Eachofyoustartsdoing,daily,somethingfromyourpartnerslist.Ifyouarenot
clearwhatanitemmeans,askforclarity.
Putyourpartnerslistupsomewherethattosee,andpractice,practice,practice.
Youmaylearnsomethings.Yourpartnermaydosomethingfromyourlistthatdoesntwork.
Justchangeyourlist.
Heresanexample.Inonecouple,awomanputonherlist,Givemeacard.Duringtheir
earlydating,herboyfriendhadsenthergreetingcardsandshelikedthatalot.So,likean
averageguy,herhusbandwentoutandbought24cards.OnMondayhegaveheracard.
Shelovedit.OnTuesdayhegaveheranothercard.Shelookedathimkindofweird.On
Wednesdayhegaveheracard.Shesaid,Givememylist,please.Shechangedher
requesttoGivemeacard,nomorethanonceaweek.Asshetellsit,Onecardmademe
feelvaluable.Butthecostofthreecardshurtme.
TheLong‐TermFix
Hereisawonderfulphrase:Thereisashortpaththatbecomesthelongway.Andthereisa
longpaththatbecomestheshortway.Listinganddoingcaringbehaviorsareanicestart.
ThegoalisTobecomeasourceofsafetytoyourpartnerslizard.
Ithinktheprincipleistopaymoreattentiontowhetheryourpartnerslizardispanickingthan
towhattheyaresaying.Howaboutthisidea?Lizardactionsspeaklouderthanwords.Ihave
afriendwhosaysthatheaddresseshiswifeslizardsometimesmorethanhespeakstoher.
Whenyourpartnerdisplaysthelizardbehaviorsofflee,freeze,submit,fight,stopwhatever
youaredoing.Seektodothingsthatwillcalmtheirlizard.Onlytheycanknowforsurewhat
willwork,andperhapseventheydontknowforsure.
StillIbelievethebestwaytogoisthefollowing:
1.Holdinyourmind(perhapssaythisoutloud)thatitisyourgoaltobecomeasourceof
safetytothem,theirlizard.
2.Say,IwouldliketoknowwhatcanIdorightnow,practically,thatwouldhelpmake
yourlizardfeelmoresafe.DoyouhaveanyideasofwhatIcando?
3.Trytodowhatyourpartnersays.Seeifitworks.Ifitdoes,doitagain.Rememberit,
sinceitisprobablyonevaluablecluetobringingsafetytothetwoofyou.
4.Ifyourpartnerdoesntknowwhatwillwork,thenfallbackongivingthemtimeto
think.Takeatimeout,gently.Letstakeabreakforanhour,then.Illcheckinwith
youinalittlebit.Quiettimethatisstructuredwithanendingisverycalming.Make
sureyoutakeatleast20minutesoff.Makesureyouannouncehowlongyouwilltake.
Yourlongtermgoalisthatyourpartnerslizardpushesyourpartnertomovetowardyou
becauseyouareasourceofsafetytoit.
ThisisWhatIHaveLearned.
Goodluck.Thishasbeenforme,quiteachallenge.Onetime,in2005,mypartnertoldme,Youve
done
it.Youtoldmeyouweregoingtobeasourceofsafetytome.Andyouare.Thankyou.Hearingthat
madeitallworthit.
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