THE RED WOOL
by
Jeremy Kareken
Jeremy Kareken
917 443-5651
[email protected]
Elaine Devlin Literary
[email protected]
CHARACTERS
BILL
Nabu-Kastur-Bill.
male, 30.
SELARDI
An Urartian slave girl, 20.
ASHURNASIPAL-II
King of the world, 40
SHALMENESER III
Son of Ashurnasirpal, 20, played by same
actor as Ashurnasirpal.
MELISSA
Mulissu-Mukanishat-Ninua, daughter of the
king's cup bearer. Former High Priestess
of Ishtar and dentist. Actually, mainly
dentist. 50.
EUNUCH
Bald.
‫מׁש‬
ֶ ‫ש‬
ָּׁ ‫ה‬
ַ ‫חת‬
ַ ‫ת‬
ַּ ‫חָדׁש‬
ָ ‫ּכל‬
ָ ‫אין‬
ֵ
Nihil sub sole novum.
There is nothing new under the Sun.
- Ecclesiastes 1:9
The palace scribe,
SETTING
The Third Assyrian empire. The city of Kalha. The palace
of Ashurnasirpal II. Grand and covered with reliefs of
eagle-headed genies, hunting scenes, and war scenes. The
reliefs are covered with cuneiform writing.
TIME
The Third Assyrian empire, 9th Century BCE.
7:38pm. Right after suppertime.
Wednesday.
ACT I
Scene 1
Chorus
Scene 2
The King and Queen’s Bedchamber
Scene 3
The Workshop of Nabu-Kastur-Bill
Scene 4
Chorus
Scene 5
morning.
The Workshop of Nabu-Kastur-Bill - next
ACT II
Scene 1
Chorus
Scene 2
The Workshop of Nabu-Kastur-Bill
Scene 3
The King and Queen’s Bedchamber
Scene 4
Various locations in the palace
Scene 5
The palace veranda.
1.
ACT I
SCENE 1
(At rise, the Eunuch rolls on a
large kettle drum. He pounds on
it, in ritualistic bombacity. He
holds aloft his drum mallets after
his solo. Unlike most Eunuchs, he
does not speak in falsetto.)
EUNUCH
HEAR ME O GREAT GODDESS ISHTAR! I beg of thee to
sing! Sing of the wrath of Ashurnasirpal, Son of
Tukulti-Ninurta! Father to Shalmaneser! The obedient
prince! The Worshipper of the Great Gods! The Fierce
Dragon! The Conqueror of all cities and mountains!
The king of all rulers who tames the dangerous
enemies! He who is crowned with glory! He who is
unafraid of battle! Sing of the great city of Kal-hu,
center of the world! Defeaters of the Nairi and
Urartu, killer of the Hittite and Armean. Ruler of
the Earth! Sing! Sing, O Ishtar, unto the gathered
masses, portray the world as it was! I invoke you in
your name, the names of Shamash and Ashur, I bid you
to sing and let the play come FORTH!
(Blackout. Under darkness, a hammer
and chisel are heard.)
2.
ACT I
SCENE 2
(Dark. The sound of chisel on
stone. tink. tink. tink. thump.
Spot on NABU-KASTUR-BILL,
henceforward referred to as BILL,
as he chisels words on a basrelief of an eagle-headed genie.
There's some rhythmic sound of
bumping in the background. He
slips and smashes his thumb.)
BILL
SON OF A BITCH!
Fuck!
ASHURNASIRPAL
(in dark)
Everything all right?
Yes, fine.
BILL
Just lost my concentration.
ASHURNASIRPAL
Well, get it together!
Yes, your majesty.
BILL
Sorry, your majesty.
ASHURNASIRPAL
Now, read that back to me.
(Lights up. We are in the King and
Queen's bedchamber. Ashurnasirpal and
Melissa are fucking, doggie style. She
has a bored look on her face. He's
banging away, but it's certainly not
his point of focus; he's more
interested in what his scribe is
doing.)
BILL
Maybe you'd prefer I come back later.
Don't be ridiculous.
ASHURNASIRPAL
Read it back to me.
From the
3.
beginning.
BILL
From the beginning then.
ASHURNASIRPAL
All the way from the top.
BILL
Right.
ASHURNASIRPAL
No sense in half-measures.
BILL
Here we go.
"Fa."
ASHURNASIRPAL
Fa?
BILL
Fa.
ASHURNASIRPAL
Huh.
BILL
Yeah.
ASHURNASIRPAL
Fa.
BILL
Fa.
ASHURNASIRPAL
FA! I like it. It's a good start. It is a strong
start. What do you think, darling? Darling?
Sorry, miles away.
MELISSA
What do I think of what?
ASHURNASIRPAL
The poem.
MELISSA
What poem?
4.
ASHURNASIRPAL
Read that back again.
BILL
From the--?
ASHURNASIRPAL
From the beginning.
BILL
Fa!
ASHURNASIRPAL
Fa!
What do you think?
MELISSA
Oh, that's very good.
ASHURNASIRPAL
Aren't you worried about the-MELISSA
It's fine. It's very good. You always worry about
these things.
ASHURNASIRPAL
I want people to think I'm strong. It's why I've been
so blocked lately. I fear weakness. That's why I get
writer's block.
MELISSA
You're strong. What does he think?
BILL
Who, me?
Yes.
You, scribe.
MELISSA
What is your name?
ASHURNASIRPAL
Sorry- how rude of me. Nabu Kastur Bill.
BILL
Bill.
ASHURNASIRPAL
Please allow me to present my wife, MulissuMukanishat-Ninua.
5.
MELISSA
Melissa, please.
Ow.
ASHURNASIRPAL
Sorry.
MELISSA
Would you mind very much if I didn't shake your hand
at the moment? Balance is a little tricky.
BILL
No trouble at all.
MELISSA
You never introduce me to your friends.
I thought you knew Bill.
scribe.
ASHURNASIRPAL
Old Bill here is my favorite
MELISSA
Yes, he looks very --- wonderful.
(She starts getting into the sex a
little. But only while looking at
Bill.)
ASHURNASIRPAL
What do you think?
BILL
Uh--?
ASHURNASIRPAL
Well?
BILL
I'm not sure it would be right for me to venture an
opinion.
Go for it, baby.
MELISSA
You're his best scribe.
BILL
Well, personally I think it's still too early to tell,
but if you go a little far--
6.
ASHURNASIRPAL
Sorry, you must excuse me. I just ejaculated.
Unnnh!
BILL
Okay.
Yes.
Well, bra...vo?
Yes.
ASHURNASIRPAL
It was good. It was a good ejaculation.
MELISSA
Very happy to hear it.
ASHURNASIRPAL
Really cleared out the old sinuses. So, you were
saying? What do you think?
BILL
As I was saying, this is all really up to you - you're
the King.
MELISSA
He knows he's the king.
ASHURNASIRPAL
Yes! And I demand your opinion! What do you think?
Whoops. Slipping out.
BILL
It depends.
And... I'm out.
depends?
ASHURNASIRPAL
Depends? What does that mean,
MELISSA
Can I borrow your shirt?
BILL
My what?
Your tunic, man.
ASHURNASIRPAL
Give her your tunic.
BILL
Yeah.
ASHURNASIRPAL
That's a nice tunic.
7.
BILL
You pay me well, sire.
(He removes his shirt. Hands it to
her. He's left in his codpiece and
leather hose, looking a bit cold and
vulnerable.)
ASHURNASIRPAL
So, on what?
(She wipes her twat on his shirt.)
BILL
Excuse me?
ASHURNASIRPAL
You said it depends.
(She hands the shirt back to him. He
holds it, not quite sure what to do
with it.)
Yes.
BILL
I said that it depends.
Yes I did.
Yes.
ASHURNASIRPAL
What does it depend on?
BILL
On - uh-(Melissa winks at him.)
BILL
On -- the....
(She blows him a kiss.)
ASHURNASIRPAL
Out with it man! What does it depend on?! Don't just
stand there, you shirtless ass. What does it depend
on?
BILL
On... It -- uh... Well, it rather depends on what the
rest of the word is.
8.
I don't understand.
the--
ASHURNASIRPAL
What do you mean what the rest of
Fa-- It could be father.
fathead.
BILL
Or fabulous. Or it could be
(Melissa chortles.)
You've got a lot of choices.
ASHURNASIRPAL
Good. I love choices! That's the best thing about
being king of the world - choices.
BILL
Well, you're in good shape then.
MELISSA
So are you.
BILL
Sorry, I didn't catch that.
MELISSA
Do you work out?
BILL
Oh, me?
Not really.
MELISSA
How do you look so... Chiseled?
BILL
I just eat well and do a lot of chiseling.
Ah.
I see.
ASHURNASIRPAL
Well, I like it!
MELISSA
It's his chest, isn't it?
ASHURNASIRPAL
Fa! Fa! That is good! Fa!
BILL
Yes, I think it's a very good first draft.
should probably get back to--
So, I
9.
I love this word.
ASHURNASIRPAL
I pick good words.
BILL
Well, so far-ASHURNASIRPAL
You're good.
BILL
Thank you.
ASHURNASIRPAL
Would you get a load of this guy?
MELISSA
I like him.
Best in the business.
him.
Smart and handsome.
ASHURNASIRPAL
A genius. No wonder I hired
MELISSA
So chiseled.
BILL
So. Unless you have any more -ASHURNASIRPAL
This guy.
This guy!
MELISSA
Hm.
BILL
--words-- I'll be on my-ASHURNASIRPAL
This guy. This is the scribe. This is the guy.
is my guy. I picked him.
MELISSA
Mm.
ASHURNASIRPAL
I picked him up from the Tyanitis.
This
10.
BILL
Babylon.
ASHURNASIRPAL
What was that?
I'm from Babylon.
BILL
My mother is from Tyanitis.
ASHURNASIRPAL
That's why you're so smart - that Hittite bing bang
zoom. The Hittites have culture. Babylon too. Have
you seen the dancing, the singing? Oh, the shows!
MELISSA
Mm?
ASHURNASIRPAL
Hey, I'm talking to you.
My father was a singer.
MELISSA
I love singers.
ASHURNASIRPAL
Yeah, but he wasn't a Hittite. She wasn't from
Tyanitis.
BILL
Babylon-ASHURNASIRPAL
Babylon! Babylon! Sorry! Those Hittites have it all
over. Those guys. I mean, look at the shows. And
the Ziggurats they build have it all over our
Ziggurats.
MELISSA
Mm.
ASHURNASIRPAL
Geniuses. Not like the idiots around me.
look at all the idiots around me.
I mean,
MELISSA
Mm.
Idiots.
ASHURNASIRPAL
I have so many idiots in my castle. I moved
11.
my kingdom from Ashur to Kalhu because of all the
idiots in Ashur.
MELISSA
Really.
ASHURNASIRPAL
Oh, you have no idea. The idiocy over there. Total
idiots. A regular amphora of idiocy. Some days I
swear not a single one of them knew how to read.
MELISSA
You don't know how to read, either, darling.
ASHURNASIRPAL
Well, no! Who has the time to learn how to read? I
have all this work to do. Conquering, burning,
killing - busy, busy, busy! Who has time to read?
That's why I hire good scribes. The best scribes.
Genius scribes. Like Bill over here.
MELISSA
What happened to that last one? Ted?
ASHURNASIRPAL
Nabu Bravur Ted? Useless. Had him killed. Oh, the
typos he made. So many typos. I tell him to do one
thing and he writes another. And my Gods, he was
slow. Slow, slow, slow! How are you doing on my
victory steles, anyway?
BILL
I haven't had much of an opportunity to-ASHURNASIRPAL
Leaving on the campaign in the morning.
victory steles. Every single one.
I need all my
BILL
Well, then I had better get back to work-ASHURNASIRPAL
Not going to be slow, are you?
BILL
No--
12.
ASHURNASIRPAL
And it's got to be perfect! Gods, what an idiot Ted
was. Not like you. You're a genius. Old Bill the
Genius. Brainy Bill, that's what I call him.
BILL
Honestly your majesty, I really should be getting back
to my workshop. Do you mind if-ASHURNASIRPAL
Two things I can't stand is a slow scribe and typos.
And people who fuck my wife. HAH! I'm just fucking
with you. I love this guy!
BILL
Well, thank you so much for inviting me to -ASHURNASIRPAL
Going to burn Karkemish tomorrow! You know Karkemish the city state on our border with Urartu.
MELISSA
Honestly, he doesn't care about all those silly city
states you invade.
ASHURNASIRPAL
Well, he'd better care - he's working on my victory
steles. How are those victory steles going, hey? I
bet they're just great!
BILL
Well, I still have seven to complete-ASHURNASIRPAL
Seven! Well, you'd better get on it then! Cut your
balls off if they aren't done on time.
Yes.
BILL
That's what the original order said.
ASHURNASIRPAL
I only have room for one personal eunuch!
BILL
I'll do my very best.
Not just your best.
ASHURNASIRPAL
Better. I want perfect.
I want
13.
the best.
pillars.
I want to put them right next to the
The pillars?
MELISSA
Not that fetid art project again.
BILL
Your majesties have me at a disadvantage.
MELISSA
When he sacks a city, he takes the dead and makes
towers out of them.
You gotta see em!
horses!
ASHURNASIRPAL
They get to the height of two
MELISSA
He built one out of just noses once.
ASHURNASIRPAL
Lots of building material from that day, I can tell
you.
MELISSA
Honestly it just brings flies.
ASHURNASIRPAL
It's just a hobby! Anyway, they don't last very long
when the vultures get to them. That's why I need my
victory steles! I want genius. From my favorite
scribe!
BILL
How on Earth was I lucky enough to become your
favorite?
ASHURNASIRPAL
Your balls are on the line, man. Your balls!
Don't cut his balls off.
balls.
MELISSA
He looks like he has lovely
ASHURNASIRPAL
When I say a thing I do a thing. It's called
integrity.
14.
MELISSA
In fact - why don't you come over here and let me see
your balls?
ASHURNASIRPAL
Well, let me tell you something: if he doesn't get his
work done, you can keep them both! In the sac.
MELISSA
And if he makes deadline, maybe I could just borrow
them from time to time.
ASHURNASIRPAL
If I ever see her hand on your balls, they're coming
off! If they're not already off! Your balls, that is!
And your hands! Hah! I said "balls!"
(pause)
BILL
Well, it's getting late-MELISSA
Yes, don't you have that thing, darling?
ASHURNASIRPAL
Thing?
What thing?
MELISSA
Don't you have to inspect the horse people?
ASHURNASIRPAL
The Cavalry!
MELISSA
Yeah - the horse people.
ASHURNASIRPAL
The cavalry! Yes! I have to inspect the cavalry.
Genius people the horse people. I love my cavalry.
have the best cavalry.
MELISSA
Then you'd better go inspect them.
ASHURNASIRPAL
Cavalry was my idea, you know. I thought to myself why load up people into the carts? Just put them on
I
15.
the back of the horse!
MELISSA
You'd better get going.
ASHURNASIRPAL
Yes. Yes. We're pushing into Urartu - we have to
attack Karkemish tomorrow. Sons of bitches. Sons of
bitches, Elamites. Karkemishians. Karkemishites?
Karkemians? Anyway, won't pay me the tribute. The
fuckers. Bastards. Karke-marke-parka-shlama-damading-dong! Ha ha!
BILL
Yes, very funny, sire.
ASHURNASIRPAL
Hey, I gotta go! Hey: victory steles. Tomorrow.
Sunrise. I leave at sunrise. You don't get them
done-BILL
Yes.
Balls.
Got it.
MELISSA
Goodbye dear.
ASHURNASIRPAL
Thanks for the fuck, baby.
MELISSA
(while looking at Bill)
It was wonderful, you were wonderful, never have I
been more satisfied than this time; I saw a thousand
suns as if Shamash himself had made love to me.
ASHURNASIRPAL
You too, baby.
(Exit Ashurnasirpal.
Ashurnasirpal.)
Re-enter
ASHURNASIRPAL
And don't fuck my wife.
BILL
Excuse--?
16.
ASHURNASIRPAL
I remember why the last scribe was so slow! Got
distracted! He fucked my wife so I cut off his nose,
his lips, his legs, his -MELISSA
Let me guess.
ASHURNASIRPAL
He had to kind of hop around on his pelvis. Which
was more comfortable than it sounds because also I cut
off his balls.
BILL
Seems to be a favorite past time of yours.
ASHURNASIRPAL
So of course he started making typos. So then I cut
off his arms and used him as a soccer ball. But then
he bounced funny so I cut off his head.
MELISSA
Oh, so that's what happened to Ted.
liked old Ted.
I know you did.
Shame.
I rather
ASHURNASIRPAL
So, nutshell: don't fuck her.
BILL
I'm good.
ASHURNASIRPAL
Ah, I'm just fucking with you. This guy!
(Exit Ashurnasirpal.
approaching Bill.)
Sunrise!
Melissa starts
BILL
So-MELISSA
I thought he'd never leave. What a job, don't you
think?
Scribe?
BILL
Oh, it's not as hard as it --
17.
MELISSA
Wife.
Ah.
BILL
Still, it's a living, right?
Boring.
can.
MELISSA
You have to find your entertainment where you
(She gets a little too close.)
BILL
Well, I should get on back to the old workshop, you
know.
Do you know something?
orgasm with him.
MELISSA
I have never once had a single
BILL
Oh? Is that right? I recommend powdered ram's horn.
I've heard it's very good for the vigor.
MELISSA
Where are you going?
(He looks at the leather strap on his
wrist.)
BILL
Oh, jeez - look at that--!
MELISSA
Why are you looking at your wrist?
BILL
I don't know.
MELISSA
So as I was saying. He's never made me come. Ted
made me come. But not the king. The king just starts
me revving, gets me all bothered, and then he just
comes-- and goes.
BILL
Ah, well, what are you gonna do?
18.
(Melissa is now blocking the door.)
MELISSA
No.
BILL
No?
MELISSA
The question is: what are YOU going to do?
BILL
That is an excellent question.
until sunrise.
You know I only have
MELISSA
I have an idea.
BILL
Oh, you do?
MELISSA
I hope I'm not being too forward.
intercourse?
But how about some
BILL
Social intercourse! What a good idea. So tell me how
did you meet your husband? You know? The King of the
world? Puts thousands of people to death every month?
MELISSA
My father was the king's cup bearer.
his cup?
You know... Held
(He swats her hand away.)
BILL
Now that's an interesting job. Did he specialize in
wine or beer? Or did he occasionally dabble in SOUP?
(Suddenly high pitch because she's goosed him)
Fascinating line of work.
MELISSA
He was little more than furniture. Basically served
as the king's table. Why don't you relax on this
table right here?
19.
BILL
Oh, is this any resemblance to your father? Hi, dad!
So - didn't end up in the family business, I see.
MELISSA
You're going to be boring, aren't you?
BILL
I don't want to be a soccer ball.
legs.
I'm fond of my
MELISSA
So am I.
BILL
So how'd you two get together--?
MELISSA
Sigh. I was studying to be a high priestess of Ishtar
and dentist.
BILL
Father didn't want you becoming a chest of drawers for
a living?
MELISSA
Ashurnasirpal was 12 and he thought he was possessed
by Tiamat the dragon. But it turned out to be an
impacted molar. I grabbed a lever and jacked the
thing out - and then he fell in love with me.
BILL
Lucky you.
MELISSA
Not really. He had my father killed so he could
become my guardian.
BILL
Sorry.
The way of the world.
MELISSA
I take my revenge how I can.
BILL
Now, is that any way to nourish a healthy marriage?
20.
MELISSA
Would be a lot easier if he didn't love me. Most
kings - they go to concubines. Or to slave boys. Or
both. But at least they have the decency to leave
their queen alone. But no, he's all humpy-pumpylet's-eat-goodbye-I'm-off-to-war.
BILL
He needs a hobby.
MELISSA
Why do you think I suggested writing? I saw you in
your sculpture studio. Your big strong hands.
BILL
And look - they're still connected to the rest of me.
MELISSA
Why don't you come by after he's gone?
my ...
You could do
(She strokes his leg.)
MELISSA
Shopping list.
BILL
Sheep, chicken, that sort of thing.
MELISSA
If you like, we can involve them.
BILL
Great. That sounds -- fun -- but I really don't know
if that's a very good idea.
MELISSA
I do.
BILL
Well, I'll have to take your word for-MELISSA
Because he's never made me come, that makes me still a
kind of virgin.
Whoo- Yeah.
BILL
Well, How about that-- I should get back
21.
to my worksh-MELISSA
So soon?
BILL
Busy busy busy!
MELISSA
You'll keep that tunic I hope. And always think of
me?
BILL
I will try my absolute best...
MELISSA
And Bill?
BILL
Yep?
MELISSA
If you don't fuck me, I'll just tell him you did.
He'll kill you anyway. But you'll see the gods before
you die.
BILL
Sorry, I didn't hear that. Wow, look at the time!
Gotta go!
(Exit Bill.)
MELISSA
Shit.
(Pause.)
MELISSA
Wait, what is this "time?"
22.
ACT I
SCENE 3
(Bill enters his workshop. Steles
and reliefs surround him, each
propped up on easels or standing
on the floor. He slams the door
behind him. He rolls up a large
rock to prop the door shut. He
sighs in relief.)
BILL
Phew.
(He goes over to one of his steles starts reading it over. He goes to his
pocket. The Eunuch comes out from
behind a large stele and stands behind
Bill. Bill turns.)
BILL
HOLY SHIT!
EUNUCH
I greet thee great Nabu Kastur Bill, scribe of
Ashurnasirpal, the obedient prince! The Worshipper of
the Great Gods! Defeater of the -BILL
Scared the living fuck out of me!
EUNUCH
The Conqueror of all cities and mountains! The king of
all rulers who tames the dangerous enemies! He who is
crowned as king of the world!
BILL
Gave me a goddamn heart attack.
EUNUCH
He who is unafraid of battle! Defeater of the Nairi
and Urartu, killer of the Hittite and Aramean.
Fine fine.
What is it.
BILL
What do you want?
23.
EUNUCH
I am sent by the great King.
BILL
Did you see where I just came from?
EUNUCH
Why, the Queen's bedchamber.
BILL
Yeah, look, if you ever see me there, just keep that
to yourself, huh?
EUNUCH
What do you do in a Queen's bedchamber?
BILL
Generally I run as fast as I can.
EUNUCH
So it is an exercise facility.
BILL
Yes.
EUNUCH
We eunuchs know much about exercise.
BILL
Yep.
EUNUCH
Not so much about bed chambers.
BILL
So what did the King want?
EUNUCH
The King has bid me bring you a gift.
BILL
A gift?
EUNUCH
Yes, in gratitude of becoming his favorite living
scribe.
24.
BILL
Great.
EUNUCH
The Gods have smiled upon you, for you have received a
gift from Ashurnasirpal, the obedient prince, the
worshipper of the great gods, the-BILL
I get it. Bad enough I have to chisel that in every
fucking day-EUNUCH
EEEEEEEE!!!!
BILL
He's a very good king, okay? Just - what's the gift.
EUNUCH
Here! It is wrapped in the skin of our enemies the
Aramean.
BILL
Ew.
Oh!
(He unwraps the leather pouch.
is a rock.)
It's a new tablet.
Inside
EUNUCH
It is beautiful. See how it holds words and numbers.
It has a memory of 64 characters.
Yes, it's very nice.
BILL
Even comes with a stylus.
EUNUCH
It is a gift from the great king Ashurnasirpal,
obedient prince, worshipper of the great-I got it, I got it.
BILL
Is that all?
EUNUCH
I bring you another gift.
BILL
Great.
25.
EUNUCH
Don't you wish to hear who it's from?
BILL
No.
No, I don't.
EUNUCH
Rude!
BILL
I have seven steles to get through today otherwise the
King is going to cut my balls off. No offense.
EUNUCH
I have not had my balls since I was yay high.
BILL
Yeah, sorry-It is not bad.
EUNUCH
In fact I can recommend it.
BILL
Yeah.
EUNUCH
Eunuchs have a great future - one day I hope to be
governor. The great King likes eunuchs for his
governors. They don't have family problems. Or
balls.
BILL
What's the other gift?
(The Eunuch claps his hands. A figure
enters under a leather wrap, about 5'4"
tall.)
A gift.
EUNUCH
A gift from Ashurnasirpal, the obedient--
BILL
Just put it in the corner.
EUNUCH
Don't you wish to unwrap it?
26.
BILL
Not unless you want to help me finish these steles.
EUNUCH
You know I cannot read or write.
BILL
So-EUNUCH
Do not attempt to shame me. There is no shame in
illiteracy.
BILL
Well, there should be.
Why?
EUNUCH
I'd be stuck doing your job.
BILL
Point. Honestly, I'd have fewer of these victory
steles if our great King would lose a battle every now
and then-EUNUCH
EEEEE----!
BILL
But he doesn't!
EUNUCH
Ashurnasirpal is the defeater of all he-BILL
Yeah.
EUNUCH
He never lluh huh-BILL
Loses.
EUNUCH
EEEEEEEE---!
Okay! Okay!
over with.
Fine.
BILL
Bring the gift.
Come on, get it
27.
(He pulls off the cover.
is underneath.)
A young woman
EUNUCH
It is a woman.
BILL
Yeah.
I see that.
EUNUCH
You can tell by the protuberances in the chestile
region, wide hips and the lack of cock and balls.
BILL
Yes. I'm all caught up with the story.
EUNUCH
If you like, I can show you in greater detail-BILL
No, no.
It's fine.
EUNUCH
The King gifts you this slave to serve your every
whim. She is one of the Urartu peoples in the
mountains by the salt sea of Van. We captured her in
the outskirts of Karkemish spying on our forward
scouts. Now she is yours. She has strong legs and
she is young with a good set of teeth, but if you wish
to use her for blowjobs I can have a high priestess
remove her teeth.
Thanks.
She's great.
BILL
She's very nice.
EUNUCH
She has good lips for blowjobs. See how the wide and
sensual lips may form a good seal around the penis.
BILL
Not at the moment, thanks.
EUNUCH
I was of the opinion that you liked blowjobs.
BILL
I just don't have the time these days.
28.
EUNUCH
That's not what you said last night.
BILL
Yes, well, I had a lot of beer.
EUNUCH
I trust I was satisfactory.
BILL
Yes, you were very good. Can you just take her with
you --?
EUNUCH
She is a gift from the king!
BILL
Well, maybe the King could take her back?
EUNUCH
EEEEEE----!
BILL
No, right, she's a gift from the king. Can't look a
gift Karkemian in the mouth. Just leave her. Do you
mind if I get back to work?
EUNUCH
I will leave you to get back to work now.
BILL
Great.
EUNUCH
Unless you would like me to give you a blowjob.
BILL
I'm fine, thanks.
You! Work!
EUNUCH
The king has ordered it.
BILL
Yeah, I know.
EUNUCH
I was speaking to it!
29.
BILL
Right.
EUNUCH
To you I bid you farewell in the name of
Ashurnasirpal, the obedient prince, the worshipper-BILL
Thank you!
(He pushes the eunuch out the door.
Re-enter Eunuch.)
EUNUCH
So no blowjob?
BILL
OUT!
(Exit Eunuch. Pause. He looks at the
slave girl. Looks around for a place
to put her. Sighs.)
BILL
I'm can't kill you yet!
(She looks at him quizzically.)
BILL
I have no place to put you. So I can't keep you. But
since you're from the king I can't regift you. So you
have to go, but I have a lot of work. I would very
much like to kill you quickly because I'm not like
these animals - they like to make you suffer. Just if I killed you -- I'd need another slave to clean up
the mess. Unless you did it yourself over on that
tarp. Do you think you could do it yourself? I don't
have a sword handy. So maybe choke yourself? Or run
at the wall? Run at it like this. Then you can hit
your head on -- just try not make too much noise.
Just move the tarp over there.
(Pause)
It's a good hard wall! Pick up enough speed and it'll
be fast. Sigh, you don't understand a word I'm saying
do you? Just-- just stay. Okay. And don't, you
know, look at me. Just point your face over-- just do
30.
whatever-- Did the Eunuch take your cover with you?
Just look over-- yes, that's, just turn. Crap, half
the morning gone already.
Okay, okay... What do we have here? I am
Ashurnasirpal, the obedient prince, blah blah blah,
the yadda yadda, he who is unafraid of battle, the
relentless -SELARDI
You spelled Musri wrong.
BILL
Oh, it talks.
SELARDI
You spelled Musri wrong.
BILL
No, I didn't.
SELARDI
There.
Right there.
BILL
It's fine.
Musri.
SELARDI
You spelled it with an --
BILL
Ah, see, that's a common misconception - when I spell
it that way, we mean Egypt-SELARDI
That's not how you spell Egypt.
BILL
Well, maybe in Karkemish that's not how you spell
Egypt, but around here -- now just wait a shitting
minute - you can read!
SELARDI
Yes.
BILL
And you can write?
31.
SELARDI
What can you write?
SELARDI
Akkadian cuneiform, Syrio-Babylonian script, and
Phonecian cuneiform and script.
You.
You can write.
BILL
An Urartian.
SELARDI
Don't be racist.
BILL
No, no, this isn't a racial thing.
SELARDI
Lots of Urartians read.
BILL
Really.
Some of us.
to learn.
SELARDI
We travel to Hittite or Phoenician cities
BILL
Well, that's as maybe, but you're just a slave.
woman.
I wasn't always a slave.
And a
SELARDI
Or a woman.
BILL
Now how does that work?.
SELARDI
My mother wanted me to learn, so she convinced my
father I was a boy.
BILL
Father majored in anatomy, I bet.
SELARDI
He didn't exactly have much interest in his family.
BILL
I bet.
32.
SELARDI
So he sent me to boarding school among the neoHittites. But I left Babylon when my boobies started
to grow. I returned to the Urartu, and the Nairi and
was on my way to meet my mother in Karkemish when they
captured me.
BILL
Said you were spying.
SELARDI
No, just going to meet Mom.
BILL
Didn't want to stay in Babylon.
SELARDI
In Babylon there's no future for woman unless you are
a mother.
BILL
You could be a Priestess in Babylon.
SELARDI
I did not do well in dentistry. In Urartu, we do not
couple clergy with dentistry.
BILL
That's a strange way to run a religion.
SELARDI
We have our own ways of doing things.
BILL
Can you handle a stylus?
SELARDI
I can write.
BILL
Can you finish this sentence from this victory stele
over here?
SELARDI
Just copy these papyruses? I think so...?
BILL
Let me watch you.
33.
(She starts chiseling.)
Oh, that's very good.
It's just cuneiform.
SELARDI
It's not-
BILL
Yes can you do a lot of them? I have an order for
seven of them-- Harran, Elam-SELARDI
I can, but-BILL
Look, I think with your help I might be able to get
these steles done. If you don't -- you know -- kill
yourself or anything.
I wasn't going to.
SELARDI
I was thinking about escaping.
BILL
Escaping? You can't escape. You're a first class
ticket to me keeping my balls!
SELARDI
Since you put it that way.
BILL
Wait, did you say Karkemish?
SELARDI
Yes.
BILL
I had an order for Karkemish here, I think.
SELARDI
An order?
BILL
For a victory stele. Yes, I think we're due to attack
Karkemish tomorrow. Ah yes. Here we are. "Here he
killed one thousand soldiers, built pillars of their
heads and wrapped the towers in the skin of the dead
women and children."
34.
SELARDI
That's where I live.
BILL
Well, guess you'll have to move. If you ever escape.
Going to be gone by tomorrow afternoon.
SELARDI
My mother.
BILL
Yeah, well, they're lucky they survive childbirth,
anyway, so it's all gravy from then on.
SELARDI
That's rather presumptuous to do a victory stele
before the battle.
BILL
The king is very good at what he does.
SELARDI
What if Karkemish wins?
BILL
Hahah! Don't be ridiculous. They never win. We have
the cavalry and archers. We have technology on our
side. We spent millions of pieces of salt and grain
on this army. Don't be silly. Get started on the
stele. If you like, you can start on the one for your
hometown.
SELARDI
You're putting me in a very difficult position, you
know.
BILL
Harder than slavery? Look, you might not realize it
but there's a lot of advancement opportunity as a
slave here in Assyria. You could become a citizen,
and then maybe a mother, or if you got your dentistry
up to snuff and stayed a virgin, you could become a
priestess.
SELARDI
I'm not sure I want to be a part of this.
35.
BILL
Suit yourself, but it's better than being a slave.
Look, even if you escape by some miracle, it's not
like you're going to get back to Karkemish in time to
save them. You'll just get to see them building the
pillars of the severed heads. And that's no fun,
believe me.
SELARDI
Or I could learn your ways and spy for Urartu so my
tribes can learn of your ways and martial techniques
and technologies.
BILL
You know? That's a great idea. Tell you what: you
stick around, take a few notes, and then go back to
Urararooroo-SELARDI
Urartu.
BILL
Right. Fine. Then you teach them all how to use a
cavalry, then you come back here and take revenge and
kill us all!
SELARDI
That is what I will do.
Great.
BILL
All settled then.
(She goes back to work.
She stops.)
SELARDI
You're going to kill me before I can escape.
BILL
Well, yeah, of COURSE I'm going to kill you before you
escape. But, for now, stick around and do some work,
and then maybe we can see about killing you or you
escaping or becoming a citizen or a dentist. How's
that sound to you?
SELARDI
I will work. And conspire. And plan.
foul kingdom of Assyria.
And end this
36.
BILL
Great, great! We might be able to get this done after
all. My dick thanks you.
SELARDI
Tell your dick you're welcome.
BILL
Maybe one day you can tell him yourself.
SELARDI
Oh, fuck off.
BILL
Hey, watch it, slave.