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WELCOME PAGE
Madeline Bennett, Editor
[email protected]
QUESTION OF THE MONTH
What would you most like to use
virtual reality for?
Madeline Bennett
To have an hour every day lying
on the beach in the Maldives –
ideally with an actual cocktail
James Archer
To create an existence where I
don’t need glasses, thus allowing me
to actually wear VR headsets
Katharine Byrne
To escape the reality of Britain
today and pretend I live in Japan.
Or the Mushroom Kingdom
Nathan Spendelow
To get a glimpse of a reality
where the Star Wars prequels
never existed
ISSUE 347 | COMPUTER SHOPPER
| JANUARY 2017
MEET
THE
TEAM
David Ludlow
Now that I work from home,
I’d opt for a life-like re-creation
of a mundane office
Dave Neal
Christmas shopping on
Christmas Eve. With a tank
DESIGN & PRODUCTION
Design Bill Bagnall, Paul Duggan
Production Editor Steve Haines
Production Executive Maaya Mistry
Digital Production Manager Nicky Baker
CONTRIBUTORS
Seth Barton, Lee Bell, Mel Croucher, Kay Ewbank, Chris Finnamore,
Simon Handby, Vaughn Highfield, Roland Moore-Colyer, Ben Pitt,
David Robinson, Clive Webster, Rhiannon Williams
ADVERTISING
Email [email protected]
Group Advertising Manager Andrea Mason 020 7907 6662
Advertising Manager Charlotte Milligan 020 7907 6642
COVER GIFT CONTACT
Chris Wiles [email protected]
SUBSCRIPTIONS
Tel 0844 844 0031 / 01795 592905 Web www.subsinfo.co.uk
UK £44.99, Europe £70, Rest of world £90
PHOTOGRAPHY
Michael Pheasant
LICENSING AND SYNDICATION
Ryan Chambers 020 7907 6132 [email protected]
Anj Dosaj-Halai 0207 907 6132 [email protected]
MANAGEMENT
Tel 020 7907 6000
Group Editor David Ludlow
Group Managing Director Ian Westwood
Managing Director John Garewal
Group Advertising Director Julian Lloyd-Evans
Newstrade Director David Barker
Group CFO/COO Brett Reynolds
Chief Executive James Tye
Company Founder Felix Dennis
PRINTING
Printed by Wyndeham, Bicester, Oxon
Distributors Seymour 020 7429 4000
LIABILITY
While every care was taken preparing this magazine, the publishers
cannot be held responsible for the accuracy of the information or
any consequence arising from it. All judgements are based on
equipment available to Computer Shopper at the time of review.
‘Value for money’ comments are based on UK prices at time of review.
All prices include VAT unless otherwise stated. Computer Shopper
takes no responsibility for the content of external websites whose
addresses are published in the magazine.
COMPUTER SHOPPER INCORPORATES UPGRADE SHOPPER,
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A DENNIS PUBLICATION
Computer Shopper is published by Dennis Publishing Ltd, 30 Cleveland
Street, London W1T 4JD. Company registered in England. All material
© Dennis Publishing Limited licensed by Felden 2016, and may not be
reproduced in whole or part without the consent of the publishers.
ISSN 0955-8578
© Copyright Dennis Publishing Limited
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• Opinion •
Reviews • Advice • Projects
Lee Bell
Escaping the world in any way
possible. If the coming years are
anything like 2016, I think I’m
going to need a VR existence
News
FREE
SOFTWARE
p74
ones
rtphones
16 smartph
tested
from
£220 p96
GET
YOUR
PERFECT
PC
p80
£600 base systems
with 28 combinations
O Octa-core processors
O 16GB RAM
O Speedy SSD upgrades
Bye bye mouse
haptics to motion
From advanced
e
tracking, the tech set to replace
the keyboard/mouse combo p116
Including
Google Pixel XL
Reviews • Advice •
Reviews • Advice • Projects • Opinion • News
DIGITAL
VERSION
16 smartphones
tested
from
£220 p96
GET
YOUR
PERFECT
PC
Including
Google Pixel XL
p80
£600 base systems
with 28 combinations
pione
Be a tech pioneer
ream
O Octa-core processors
O 16GB RAM
O Speedy SSD upgrades
mainst Bye bye mouse
the mainstream
Avoid the
From advanced hapticss to motion
tracking, the tech set
et to replace
superior products
to get superior
the keyboard/mouse combo
and save cash p133
p116
Projects • Opinion •
DIGITAL
VERSION
GET
YOUR
PERFECT
PC
News
16 smartphones
tested
from
£220 p96
Including
Google Pixel XL
p80
£600 base systems
with 28 ccombinatio
combinations
£4.99
headset I was completely immersed in the
virtual one. Once you’ve tried it for yourself,
it’s easy to understand why people are
excited by the prospects for the technology.
We take a closer look at the potential for
VR in this issue, and investigate the other
companies hoping to encourage you to take
a bet on their virtual vision (p110).
We also look into the next era for the
computing interface (p116). While the
humble mouse and keyboard combination is
still a frequent sight in offices and homes
across the UK, trackpads and touchscreens
are slowly taking over. But with the latest
developments around haptic feedback and
AI, how long will it be before even the
touchscreen feels outdated, overtaken by
vibrations and voice commands?
As we’re coming into Christmas shopping
season, you might be considering splashing
out on a new PC as a gift for a loved one – or
even better, for yourself. We’ve tested out
nine PC base systems, all priced at £600
(p80). We also got hold of some tempting
upgrade options, including speedy SSDs
and high-power graphics cards, to see how
much more performance you could get
from shelling out a bit more cash.
Enjoy!
ISSUE 347
JAN 17
WE’VE BEEN futuregazing this month,
investigating the next
stages of computing in
the form of virtual reality
(VR) and artificial
intelligence (AI). Even
though these technologies
might not appear to be commonplace at the
moment, it’s amazing how much of our lives
are already touched by VR and AI.
I was in San Francisco for the Salesforce
Dreamforce conference in October, a
gathering of around 170,000 technologists
(yes, it’s huge). While the event started out
as a means for Salesforce to promote its
software-as-a-service business applications,
Dreamforce has now grown into a show
attended by hundreds of other companies
and tech startups, all looking to forge their
place as the next big thing in tech.
One of these companies was Leap
Motion, a six-year old startup with the lofty
ambition of “removing the barriers between
people and technology”. I got to try out
Leap Motion’s VR in San Francisco, and it’s
incredible how quickly you can pick up the
interactions. Donning a stylish headset, I was
able to create shapes, throw objects around
and build towers onscreen, all using my hands.
Bar knocking my hand on a nearby table in
the real world, the second I put on the
Editor Madeline Bennett [email protected]
Reviews Editor James Archer [email protected]
News Editor Dave Neal [email protected]
Contributing Editor Katharine Byrne [email protected]
Staff Writer Nathan Spendelow [email protected]
UK’s BIGGEST REVIEWS SECTION
Welcome!
CONTACT US
O Octa-core proc
processors
O 16GB RAM
O Speedy SSD upg
upgrades
Bye bye mouse
From advanc
advanced haptics to motion
tracking, tthe tech set to replace
the keyboar
keyboard/mouse com
combo p116
Be a tech pioneer
pio
Be a te
tech pioneer
Avoid the m
mainstream
to get supe
superior products
and save ca
cash p133
Avoid the mainstream
to get superior products
prod
and save cash p133
CALL 0844
08
844 844
84
84 0031
OR SEE PAGE 122
3
CONTENTS
Issue 347 January 2017
Contents
Reviews • Advice • Projects • Opinion • News
FREE
SOFTWARE
p74
16 smartphones
rtphones
tested
from
£220 p96
GET
YOUR
PERFECT
PC
p80
p96
Including
Google Pixel XL
O Octa-core processors
O 16GB RAM
O Speedy SSD upgrades
Bye bye mouse
p116
From advanced haptics to motion
ion
tracking, the tech set to replacee
the keyboard/mouse combo p116
Regulars
ISSUE 347
JAN 17
£4.99
UK’s BIGGEST REVIEWS SECTION
p80
£600 base systems
with 28 combinations
BBe a tech pioneer
Av
Avoid the mainstream
to get superior products
an
and save cash p133
p133
Features
6 Letters
Your monthly missives of wit and wisdom,
dom,
tips and tricks, and moans and groans
10 Under Development
Who’s to blame if an automated car is
taken over by hackers and involved in
an accident? Cyber Insider thinks we
should be addressing such questions
now, before it’s too late
14 Rants & Raves
We’re indulging in a flight of fancy this
month, as we imagine a world in which
airline travel is made easier by new
technology that actually works properly
138 Zygote
The criminal justice system is on the verge
of collapse, but fear not: a new website
allows defendants to plead online to save
time. Zygote wonders if it will be as
successful as other government websites
4
All the latest news and views from the
technology world, including:
16 Need to Know
Google expands its hardware range
Goo
20 Christmas Gift Guide
Techie prezzies for your loved ones – and you
Tec
22 Globe Trotting
The weird and wonderful world of technology
23 The Lowdown
The wonder material set to make your PC faster
You might need to cover your ears if
you’re on the phone to David Robinson
– especially if it’s chucking it down with
rain and Mrs R is dischuffed
12 Cyber Insider
News
24 From the Lab
We explore the world of science and space
25 Retro: Amstrad E-m@iler
The perfect solution to a non-existent problem
110 Virtual Reality
It’s been the next big thing for years, but is
virtual reality finally about to break through
into the mainstream? We take a look at the
history of VR and examine some of today’s
products to find out what the future holds
for this most exciting of technologies
116 Beyond the Mouse: the Future
of Computer Control
Is it time to say goodbye to your trusty mouse
and keyboard?
From voice
control to brain
power, we look
at the revolution
in computer
interfaces
Learn
124 Business Help
Our expert answers your software queries
126 Helpfile
Your hardware and Windows problems solved
128 Multimedia Expert
Want to give your social media profile a lift?
Ben Pitt explains how to turn ordinary
portrait photos into stunning works of art
133 Advanced Projects
Don’t make the same uninspired choices as
everyone else – follow Clive Webster’s advice
and become a tech hipster. No beard required
JANUARY 2017
| COMPUTER SHOPPER | ISSUE 347
p110
p96
p128
Reviews
Group Tests
80 Windows PCs
26 Hot Product
Powered by Alexa, the best-executed attempt at a voice assistant
thus far, the Amazon Echo is a fine smart home controller and a
capable Bluetooth speaker to boot
28 Laptops
46 Audio
Asus’s ZenBook UX330UA is an elegant
Windows alternative to the MacBook Air
The LG SH5 is a slick soundbar/subwoofer
combo that produces excellent sound quality
32 Handhelds
48 Networks
The Sony Xperia E5 falls a little short of budget
smartphone greatness, while the Asus ZenPad
3S 10 (p34) proves that quality Android tablets
aren’t quite extinct
38 Displays
AMD FreeSync technology for just £100
sounds fantastic, but the Iiyama GE2288HS-B1
is a good monitor rather than a great one
40 Home Cinema
For all its outlandish looks, the TP-Link Archer
C3200 is a very reasonably priced router
49 Storage
ADATA’s SU800 is a serviceable entry-level SSD
hampered by the quality of the competition
50 Components
AMD’s Polaris architecture comes to the
budget Radeon RX 460, with impressive results
Outstanding picture quality means Samsung’s
UE55KS9000 smart TV is yet another triumph
for its Quantum Dot panel tech
52 Photography
42 Games Consoles
54 Software
The PlayStation 4 gets a makeover in the form
of the PS4 Slim, a more compact, HDR-enabled
version of Sony’s top console
44 Wearables
ExpressVPN is a brilliant virtual private network
that’s as versatile as it is easy to use
96 Smartphones
You can pick up a premium
smartphone for as little as
£220 these days, and we’ve
put 16 of the latest flagship
models through their paces
to find out which one is
worth your cash
74 Your Software*
Protect your important files in a
secure encrypted vault with the full
version of Steganos Safe 17
6
FULL
PACKAGES
56 Best Buys
All the best kit we’ve reviewed recently
With better waterproofing and a revamped
OS, little enhancements add up to a
much-improved Apple Watch Series 2
ISSUE 347 | COMPUTER SHOPPER
A few niggles prevent the otherwise reliable
Canon EOS 80D from reaching its potential
We put nine powerful
Windows PCs to the
test, and find out
how you can boost
performance with a
customised upgrade
| JANUARY 2017
72 How We Test
Our tests, ratings and awards explained
* FREE SOFTWARE
EDITION ONLY
5
LETTERS
Letters
With its update woes, driver problems and overclocking blocking, Windows 10
continues to get under the skin – perhaps we should just stick to Windows 7…
[email protected]
Regrets, we’ve had a few
After reading with interest all the
correspondence about people’s
negative experiences with Windows 10, I
have to say my installation has been
trouble free – until now.
Recently I’ve been experiencing problems
with the sound output on my laptop, with
the sound dropping momentarily at random
intervals when playing YouTube and BBC
news videos. This also happens when
watching live broadcasts, which I’ve tried out
of interest when visiting family members, as
we don’t receive TV broadcasts here.
I tried all the usual fixes such as
uninstalling the driver, Realtek HD Audio
version 6.0.1.7614, and restarting so that the
generic Microsoft driver is installed but still
the problem persisted. I reinstalled the
Realtek driver through Windows Update
and still the problem continues. I’ve yet to
try downloading the driver directly from
Realtek rather than through Windows
Update to see if that solves this issue.
It seems that this is quite a common
problem, as a trawl through online forums
would reveal, but as yet it would appear no
definitive solution has been found.
I have to say I’ll be more than a little
displeased should this situation continue
up with a BIOS update for this,
as the H81 chipset is not
officially overclockable
despite having the
necessary BIOS functions.
If true (Intel’s own
support forum has known
about this for more than a
year and is promising to
look into it), this is
extremely shortsighted by
Intel and Microsoft, each
passing the buck to the
other, if not downright
underhanded collusion.
Why produce a cheap celebratory
processor and then disable its main raison
d’être, without informing the consumer
or offering opt-out options for updates,
and expect the customer to accept less
or force them to reinvest in more
expensive hardware?
Unless Intel (and Microsoft)
communicate publicly their intentions to
remove or downgrade functions, people
will not be able to make informed
decisions about their choice of
components. I now have to consider
selling either the motherboard or the CPU
(or both) for less than half the purchased
prices and replace them at over 50%
additional cost over my initial
investment. Where’s the justice in that?
Is this a case of if it looks too good to
be true? I don’t think so. It’s just unfair if
not illegal and typical of monopolies.
Aki Turan
Star letter
Clocking off
Following your
assessment of
MSI’s H81M-E34
motherboard as a
great buy (Shopper
338) and the universal
acclaim for Intel’s
Pentium G3258
Anniversary Edition
unlocked processor (not
to mention Microsoft’s
extremely generous offer
of a free Windows 10
upgrade), I invested my
hard-earned cash in
putting a system together for my son’s
birthday present with the above core
specifications, overclocked from stock
3.2GHz to a stable 4.2GHz.
After some Microsoft updates, the
processor has been downgraded to its
stock clock speed and the CPU Clock
Ratio option in the Bios (and MSI
software) is locked to Auto.
After some research, I now understand
that this may be a micro code issue,
supplied by Intel and incorporated by
Microsoft in updates disabling
overclocking functions on non-Z Intel
chipset motherboards. Various
workarounds have been suggested,
including disabling certain system files,
but not with any success.
Other users have experienced problems
with Windows 10 installation itself, or
‘bootloops’. I do not expect MSI to come
6
This is poor form from Microsoft. As far
as we’re concerned, overclocking is up to the
user to do, not up to Microsoft or Intel to
control. One of the main benefits of owning
a PC, after all, is the ability to choose and
control your own hardware.
We’re looking into the issue in more
depth to see if some of the workarounds
solve the problem. It appears as though
disabling one processor core and then
renaming some Windows system files is
the best bet, but we’ll need to put together
some more detailed instructions and hope
to run them in next month’s Helpfile.
❱❱ Write in and win
Do you wish your computer was faster when booting and
loading applications? Thanks to Crucial, you can achieve your
dream of a faster PC or laptop with the MX300 SSD. The
writer of our Star Letter will be awarded one of these solid-state
devices, which can be installed in a desktop PC or a laptop.
This SSD is six times faster than a hard disk, and will make your
ur
computer boot incredibly quickly and your applications load faster. With 525GB
of storage, there’s plenty of room for Windows and all your apps, too.
JANUARY 2017
STAR
PRIZE
525GB
SSD
| COMPUTER SHOPPER | ISSUE 347
LETTERS
Grounding principles
without some sort of fix from Microsoft. I
was urging my son to upgrade from
Windows 7 while it was free, but he said
he was happy as he was and has stuck with
the old operating system. At the moment
he’s looking rather smug and it’s me with
egg on my face.
Richard Najduch
Sorry to hear of your problems, Richard.
It’s worth trying downloading the driver
directly from Realtek (www.realtek.com).
If that doesn’t prove fruitful, we ran an
Advanced Projects in Shopper 346 on taming
Windows 10 and fixing issues. If you haven’t
yet tried out the various steps, we’d
recommend doing that.
Update woes
I wanted to drop you a note of my
experience of the Windows 10 update,
and see if any other readers have had a
similar experience.
The other evening, as I was finishing off
something for work on my laptop, I applied
an update, which took a good few minutes
before it shut down. So far, so normal, and I
thought nothing of it.
ISSUE 347 | COMPUTER SHOPPER
| JANUARY 2017
Next morning, however, was a bit of a
change to the normal routine. I thought I’d
squeeze in an hour’s work before a dental
appointment, so reached for the laptop and
saw it was continuing to apply an update.
Some 45 minutes later it finished, just in
time for me to head out of the door
following a wasted hour with no work done.
Why couldn’t Microsoft give a warning
when large updates are about to be applied,
and allow users to postpone the update until
a convenient time of their own choosing?
Grant Wilson
We totally agree, Grant – there should
definitely be some warning about update
timeframes before you commit, and users
should also get complete control over updates.
If you go into Microsoft Windows settings, you
should be able to switch off automatic updates,
hopefully preventing lost work time in future.
There’s no option to turn off Windows
Updates via the Control Panel or Settings app
in Windows 10, as there used to be with earlier
versions of Windows. However, there is a
workaround to disable or turn off Windows
Update in Windows 10. Via Control Panel,
Administrative Tools, you can access Services.
In the Services window, scroll
down to Windows Update and
turn off the process. To turn it
off, right-click the process,
click Properties and select
Disabled. That will take care of
Windows Updates not being
installed on your machine.
However, as Windows 10
is a service rather than
traditional operating system
software, in order to install
the next set of features or a
newer build, you will need the
earlier updates to be installed.
That’s why if you use the
above workaround, you’ll have
to go to Services and turn it
on every now and again to
download and update your
copy of Windows.
After a couple of years of borrowing
Computer Shopper from my local library,
I took the plunge and became a subscriber.
The following point has been festering for
a few months or so since issue 342. In an
Advanced Projects article about maintaining
and cleaning your computer, Clive Webster
mentions touching a radiator pipe when a
component is sensitive to a static discharge.
I suggest that this method should only be
used in a dire emergency.
The correct procedure would be to
invest in anti-static handling aids.
Electronic components that are sensitive
are supplied in packaging to protect them
from discharge. The following items should
be used when assembling or servicing
printed circuit boards: wrist strap, bench
mat, floor mat. Each will be connected to a
central board, which in turn will be
connected to a mains outlet by a special
plug that will give proper grounding.
If the anti-static handling aids are used
regularly, they should be checked every
six months or so. These items can be
purchased for about £30, which is a small
price to pay when you consider the cost of
a motherboard or SSD.
After many years in the electronics
industry, I have seen the damage that
handling components without protection
can cause. Hopefully this advice might save
someone from a costly mishap.
David Holwell
Well provided
After reading
about better
routers (Shopper
345), I suggest it
would be a good
idea to test ISP
routers supplied so
we punters can make
a reasoned decision
about upgrading or not.
I see that the BT router is well rated,
but all the others you tested are from
independent manufacturers. Testing ISP
routers would be more informative and give
your readers what they need to use in
conjunction with the article in issue 345.
Pete Clough
7
LETTERS
Thanks for the feedback. We’ll look to
include ISP routers in our next group test.
Windows 10 takes the biscuit
Like baked-bean-flavoured crisps and
Caramac biscuits with the lines on
top, it appears I may be saying a fond farewell
to an old favourite of mine: Windows 7.
Compared to Vista, XP, 2000, 98 and
95, Windows 7 has bought stability, ease
of use and an operating system that gives
a user just enough options to do what
needs to be done.
This is unlike Windows 10, which looks
more like Microsoft Word with the addition
of extra rubbish and bits you don’t need, and
links to find what you do need just like in a
‘Hidden object’ game.
But unlike my favourite crisps and
biscuits of the 1970s, I aim to keep using
Windows 7 long after it has been removed
from the shelves. I have just
purchased two new
Socket 1150
motherboards, Core i5
CPUs and RAM.
After a quick test,
they will go into
storage, ready for
the day when my
current PCs expire.
They may even last
until I myself am just
part of the ether-net.
Windows 10 is today’s
equivalent of overly flavoured chilli
Mexican cardboard bites and those horrible
American biscuits that begin with an O.
D A Simms
Smart alec
I’ve just read the long feature on
building a smart home (Shopper 343).
We have, over the years, done just that, and
I wanted to share it with your readers.
As your writer did, let’s start at the front
door. We too have keys, which we insert
into the locks and twist. Once inside, the
operation of lights, if required, can also be
included in your health and fitness regime.
Each user has their very own customised-bynature personal assistance levers we call
arms. We lift them and use fingers to operate
various switches to illuminate our passage
through the building.
Also, while in individual rooms, we utilise
further bi-ped travelators to walk to each
low-level switch, bend down and once more
flick the operator switch built into the wall.
Of course, this bending and stretching also
once more adds to the health and fitness of
the user, something quite important as the
years progress.
Moving on to the central heating, we
use something called a timer on the boiler
that sort of knows our movements because
we have spent some time sorting out the
twice-a-day timings.
Music is also taken care of, and we can
use special portable Bluetooth speakers to
allow music in any room we fancy, which also
eliminate the supermarket-feeling all-home
song sounds can introduce. We also found if
we are just popping in and out of a room, we
feel no over-riding anxiety at being away
from our music for those moments as it will
still be there when we get back into the
original room. And if there is a worry we will
miss something while we are gone, there is
something we call the pause button.
Almost forgot the smart doorbell. We like
once more to walk to the door and answer it.
If we are not in, then we feel the caller can
take the opportunity to call again. The latter
does allow burglars know we are not in, but
answering remotely also lets burglars know
we are not in.
So there it is – that is our smart home and
it has worked relatively well for my whole
life. And the cost is pretty modest when
compared to your writer’s budget. Of course,
ours may not be quite so much fun, but
hopefully all that walking, stretching,
bending and pushing will help burn off the
odd calorie or two each day. Bet your writer
can’t match that.
Chris Murphy
In the next issue
❱❱Don’t get hacked
Hackers are improving their
techniques all the time to avoid
detection and carry out their
online attacks. Don’t let them
get the better of you: follow our
guide to protecting your PC,
your identity and your data.
❱❱Security
software
shoot-out
We’ve picked out the
best security software
to protect your
systems, and put
the latest versions
to the test.
will be coming to the UK, and
assess how they will improve
medical care here.
❱❱Best tech of 2016
❱❱MedTech
advancements
We visited the Swedish capital,
Stockholm, to get first-hand
insights into the latest digital
health advances, find out what
We’ll be looking back over all
the issues of Shopper from
2016 to select the very best
products released this year
that would be a worthy
addition to any Xmas tech
shopping list. We’ll also pick
out the most exciting products
due to launch in 2017.
COMPUTER SHOPPER ISSUE 348 ON SALE IN NEWSAGENTS FROM 8th DECEMBER
8
JANUARY 2017
| COMPUTER SHOPPER | ISSUE 347
UNDER DEVELOPMENT
Ringing the changes
Strange noises can be heard all around this month – on David Robinson’s phone line,
from an unhappy Mrs R, and from an unexpected bombshell at the end
DAVID ROBINSON
Software and systems developer
[email protected]
FAMOUS WORDS. “They think
it’s all over – it is now!” Kenneth
Wolstenholme, 1966 World Cup
Final. I thought it was all over –
but I was wrong. ‘What was all
over?’ I hear you ask. Well, it’s
the damned REIN saga, that’s
what. My regular reader will
remember that this concerned
noise on the phone line
disrupting our old ADSL internet
connection and the ISP blaming
Repetitive Electrical Impulse
Noise, aka REIN (Shopper 341).
The problem was solved (well
not exactly solved, but bypassed)
by switching to an optical fibre
connection on some subsidised
scheme (which no longer exists)
because we do out-of-hours
support from home. Cost to the
taxpayer: three grand. And we’re
the only house with fibre internet
in the whole neighbourhood.
The ISP deal included the
‘normal’ phone line. We had to
keep that and the price of the
service was the same whether we
used the phone or not. No option
to dispense with it. We had been
considering ditching the landline
and going mobile-only but the 3G
Engineer number two, like engineer one,
appears to be the invisible man
service can be a bit variable so
Mrs R wanted to keep it.
We bought a new multistation
wireless system from Tesco for a
measly £69. This has facilities for
repelling cold callers, which seem
to work a treat. So what’s the
problem? It’s line noise.
Sometimes it’s so bad that
you have to hang up. If it’s still
there when you reconnect, the
only option is to switch to the
mobile. And Mrs R is a firm
believer that if we’re paying for it,
then it has to work properly,
which is not unreasonable.
So she called the number in
the book for reporting line faults.
This involves a lot of listening to
10
options, music and – eventually
– a real person, who tells you
that you’ve phoned the wrong
number. “How come?” she asks.
Because ours is a business line
even though the premises are
residential. So you have to go
through the whole process again.
SOUND OF SILENCE
The upshot is that an engineer is
booked and will turn up some
time in the next five days. He’s
supposed to call my mobile and
tell me his visit is imminent. Five
days later, all we’ve heard is
silence. Both from the engineer
and from the phone line which,
now there’s somebody booked to
look at it, refuses to crackle.
Phoning the service provider
again to see where the guy is, we
learn that he’s “done some tests”,
found the line OK and signed the
job off as finished. Two days later,
we have an hour-long phone call
with our son in London. The
crackling returns partway
through the call, and gets louder
and louder, ending with a loud
bang and a disconnected call.
Mrs R also goes bang!
We repeat the call to the
service provider, who warns us
that if any of our equipment is at
fault, a bill for £180 will be on its
way to us. Could the noise be
interference on the radio bit of
the system? How to tell? We
could plug in an old-fashioned
‘hard wired’ phone to see if that’s
noisy too, but we don’t have one.
I finally find one at Argos for
£4.99. The line still crackles, so
it’s not the radio at fault.
This is getting like Groundhog
Day as we repeat the same cycle
of events with engineer number
two who, like engineer one,
appears to be the invisible man.
At the third attempt, the service
provider arranges a visit at 9am
on Saturday morning.
Surprisingly the engineer
turns up at 9am and examines
the socket inside the house, then
checks the line quality between
the manhole outside and the
local exchange. Both pass muster,
so he looks at the junction box
on the outside wall. This was
supposedly checked twice during
the original REIN saga and again
by the ‘engineer’ in round two of
the current lot.
“Do you use this?” says the
prompt engineer, pointing to an
extension line that goes round
the outside of the house to the
upstairs rooms. “No, we haven’t
used it since we switched to the
old radio-based phone several
years back.” He checks inside the
box and finds a collection of wet,
corroded cables. “There,” he says
“is the problem. Bet it’s worse
when it rains”. He removes the
connection and seals up the
point where it entered the box.
Result – no noise. He also opines
that this was the cause of the
ADSL line drops, not REIN after
all. I hope the chancellor doesn’t
want his three grand back. But
perhaps we can now declare that
the fat lady really has sung on
the topic of line noise.
END OF THE LINE
Speaking of fat ladies singing, I’m
sad to report that there will be
another in three issues’ time
when we get to issue 350. I’ve
decided that will be the last
Under Development. When I
spoke about it with new editor
Madeline Bennett, she was
concerned that her arrival might
have precipitated the decision,
but that’s not the case at all. I’ve
simply reached a point where I
think I’ve wrung as much as I can
out of customers’ stupidity.
Unlike an old boxer having one
fight too many, I want to quit
before whatever quality there is
declines into utter rubbish and
Madeline has to fire me. So, over
the next three issues I’ll round up
the best stories with a particular
emphasis on the early years that
new readers perhaps never saw.
And then it really will be all over.
Anybody want to buy a
cable connection phone?
Only used once.
JANUARY 2017
| COMPUTER SHOPPER | ISSUE 347