The Comb-Over Guy
by
Art Williams
Revisions by
Art Williams
WGA Registration 1247162
FADE IN:
SUPER: FALL 1977
INT. LINCOLN HIGH SCHOOL -- AUDITORIUM -- NIGHT
The Bee Gees' Staying Alive plays. TEENAGERS celebrate
homecoming. On the dance floor a circle of students joyously
CLAP, YELL, and SCREAM.
In the circle is PETE DANIELS, 17, handsome, athleticallybuilt, great hair.
Pete, the football jock and big man on campus, imitates John
Travolta's Saturday Night Fever routine. He pats and runs
his fingers through his hair. His own added touch.
In the chaotic crowd is STACEY CLARK, 17, a stunning,
intelligent, and street savvy beauty.
Pete dances to her.
Stacey blushes.
He whispers in her ear.
PETE
Come talk to me for a second.
STACEY
Sure.
They sneak away from the circle.
PETE
So what's up, Stacey?
STACEY
Nothing, Pete. What's up with you?
PETE
You know what I mean.
What's up?
STACEY
What? In a slutty you're the big
football jock kind of way?
Yeah.
PETE
That way.
Stacey moves closer.
She caresses Pete's chest.
STACEY
Oh, okay. How about we make out
right here? That corner.
2.
PETE
Man, you're wild.
car?
I'm game.
How about my
STACEY
Let's go.
The teens march toward the exit. Stacey stops in her tracks.
Pete takes a few more steps, notices, then turns.
PETE
What's wrong?
STACEY
You know... I've been thinking.
PETE
You've been thinking?
Yeah.
STACEY
PETE
In the ten seconds it took to walk
over here?
Yeah.
About...,
STACEY
PETE
about what?
STACEY
Just wondering if I'm the number
eleven or the number twelve.
Uh--
PETE
STACEY
-- For the month. Because if I'm
number twelve, that's not special.
Okay.
PETE
STACEY
Or eleven, or eight or five.
special to you, right?
Oh, yeah!
PETE
I'm
3.
STACEY
You see, when I think of special, I
think of being the number one. Now
that's a special number, yeah?
PETE
Being number one is good.
STACEY
And being number one and the only
one, now that excites me.
PETE
Excites you?
STACEY
Yeah. Frenzy excitement. You want
frenzy excitement don't you?
Yeah!
PETE
STACEY
Then stop being a pathetic man
whore and grow up. Come back when
you're a one woman man.
PETE
(to himself)
Can't see that happening.
What?
STACEY
What was that, whore boy?
PETE
I said that's a deal!
(whispers)
Psycho.
STACEY
It's a sad night, Pete.
Stacey sashays up to Pete.
She whispers in his ear.
STACEY
'Cause I'm really flexible.
Pete leaps back, smirks, then exits.
INT. LINCOLN HIGH SCHOOL -- AUDITORIUM -- SAME
GERALD, THEODORE and FRANK, geeks, huddle on a wall. They
wear traditional geek gear. They observe Stacey from afar.
4.
GERALD
You should go ask her to dance.
THEODORE
Are you kidding? She's like the
most popular girl at school.
FRANK
Tell her your SAT scores, dude.
Tell her that you'll tutor her.
GERALD
I'd like to toot-her her.
Gerald and Frank laugh, hysterically, at the corny joke.
THEODORE
Shut up! We shouldn't even be
here. We need to get ready for the
science fair.
GERALD
Science fair?! It's not for six
more weeks.
THEODORE
That attitude got you a ninety-nine
in A.P. Calculus yesterday.
FRANK
(to Gerald)
A ninety-nine?
GERALD
Whatever. Why do I let you two
geeks hang around me?
In passing, Pete overhears the trio's conversation.
PETE
Taped glasses, flooding pants,
pocket calculators. It's a
Geekdom!
A what?
GERALD
PETE
Geekdom. It's like a Kingdom, but
full of... you know.
THEODORE
What do you want, Pete?
bothering you.
We're not
5.
PETE
Oh goodie, King Theodore's getting
all courageous. Don't worry, no
ass whippings tonight. Continue
obsessing about Einstein's Theory
of Relationships, or whatever.
FRANK
That's Einstein's Theory of
Relativity.
PETE
(overlapping)
Shut up, nerd boy. Don't make me
change my mind and pummel you.
These are my good clothes.
THEODORE
For your information we are not-PETE
Gotta go. Too many people have
seen me talking to you guys. Go
trekkies or Na Nu, Na Nu, whatever
dorks are saying these days.
Pete beelines toward BRENDA, 17. Gorgeous, busty Brenda.
Pete turns back toward the nerds.
PETE
Soaring high, boys. Where I'm
going there's no math necessary.
Pete turns back toward Brenda.
Brenda!
second.
PETE
Come talk to me for a
INT. LINCOLN HIGH SCHOOL -- AUDITORIUM -- LATER
Stacey scans the room.
heads for the exit.
Bored, she takes a last glance and
EXT. PARKING LOT -- MOMENTS LATER
Stacey speeds to her car.
She folds her arms to keep warm.
EXT. LINCOLN HIGH SCHOOL -- PARKING LOT -- MOMENTS LATER
Close to her destination, a loud GROAN startles Stacey.
Scared, but curious, she tiptoes toward a '77 Plymouth Fury.
6.
Foggy windows. Stacey creeps closer to peek in when, THUMP,
a foot hits the passenger side window followed by an ORGASMIC
SCREAM. Stacey SCREAMS.
The foot disappears. A head pops up. The fog is rubbed
clear from the inside. It's Pete. Brenda's face follows.
Pete eyes Stacey. He CHUCKLES. Stacey shakes her head,
amused, disgusted. She scurries off. Pete continues his
conquest.
EXT. LINCOLN HIGH SCHOOL -- FOOTBALL FIELD -- DAY
Pete's team, the Cougars, are down by five. Three seconds
remain on the clock. The BAND plays, the CROWD ROARS. Pete,
the Quarterback, rallies his guys in the huddle.
PETE
Guys we can do this. Give me the
best you got. Right now! Let's
win this game. Ready!
Break!
TEAM
The team jogs to the line, intensity in their eyes.
positions himself behind the center.
Ready!
PETE
Set! Hut one!
Pete
Hut two!
The ball is snapped. Pass protection breaks down as two
defensive men CRASH through the offensive line. A defensive
player LUNGES at Pete, but is CRUSHED by a fullback.
Pete pump fakes the remaining defender with the football.
The defender leaps in the air. Pete dodges the attack.
Pete spots a receiver, in full sprint, up the field. He
rears back, throws. The ball is caught just beyond the grasp
of the defender. Touchdown!
The crowd EXPLODES and storms the field.
Pete removes his helmet, shakes out his hair. He approaches
the sideline and blows a kiss at Stacey in the stands.
Stacey, with a smile and attached smirk, waves him off. Pete
laughs. LINDA, Stacey's best friend, witnesses the exchange.
LINDA
He really likes you, doesn't he?
Pete is surrounded by CHEERLEADERS.
7.
STACEY
He really likes everybody.
The cheerleaders snatch corsages from their hair.
assembles six of them. He heads toward Stacey.
Pete
LINDA
But he likes you more.
EXT. LINCOLN HIGH SCHOOL -- QUAD -- DAY
Two young ladies toss a Frisbee. JODIE, pretty, but
underdeveloped in the breasts area. MARIA, cute, but
overweight.
Nearby, Pete and five of his football buddies relax.
runs up to Maria.
Jodie
JODIE
Maria, did you see Pete Daniels
over there?
Oh no.
MARIA
Calm your heart, Jodie.
JODIE
Don't be jealous.... Does Jodie
Daniels have a nice ring to it?
The girls giggle.
Jodie sprints back to her previous spot.
EXT. LINCOLN HIGH SCHOOL -- QUAD -- SAME
Pete and his football buddies reminisce. Among them are CHAD
and BRIAN. Chad, Pete's number one receiver, drinks from a
flask. Brian, the fullback, is Pete's best friend.
PETE
I would've cried if you had dropped
that pass.
CHAD
The closer the ball came, the more
I pissed my pants.
PETE
Well, thank God it was just pee.
The teens laugh. A Frisbee CRASHES in, destroying Pete's
hairdo. The laughter continues, but it's now aimed at Pete.
Jodie and Maria rush toward the jocks.
8.
JODIE
I'm sorry, guys.
PETE
Sorry?! It took me all morning to
get my hair right! All you have to
say is sorry?!
Pete opens a small compact mirror. The laughter escalates.
The girls restrain themselves, but cave in. Pete stands.
PETE
(to Jodie)
It's funny to you, huh? Well you
know what's funny to me? A girl
with a chest as flat as this
frisbee. Is it funny now?
MARIA
Pick on someone your own size!
Who?
Pete!
PETE
Like you?
You're my size.
BRIAN
Leave 'em alone.
PETE
Come on, Brian. Flat-chested one
and the whale hurl a Frisbee at me,
and now they're getting a laugh out
of it?
MARIA
It could be you one day.
What?
PETE
MARIA
You're always harassing obese
people, smart people.
Yeah.
PETE
Because it's fun.
MARIA
What if you were flat-chested or,
heaven forbid, lost your precious
little hair.
9.
PETE
Well, let's see. I'm not fat, or a
nerd, and my pecks, just look at
them they're awesome!....
Pete turns to sit down, but then turns back to the girls.
PETE
Oh, and my little head of hair?
Absolutely, positively will never,
ever happen! Now be gone weird fat
talkative girl, and take the little
boy with you.
Jodie rushes off in tears. Maria flips Pete off and jogs
after her. The guys don't approve. Pete turns toward them.
What?!
PETE
Pete turns toward the girls. His facial expression fades
from devilish grin to regret.
SUPER: 30 YEARS LATER
INT. PETE'S HOUSE -- DAY
A section of hardwood floor peeks through an open hallway
door. Bob Seger's Old Time Rock and Roll plays.
Pete slides into the hallway a la Tom Cruise Risky Business.
Pete's body is no longer lean and mean. Tight abs have been
replaced by a beer belly. Male pattern baldness has eroded
the once great hair. He sports an unkempt goatee beard.
Pete stumbles on his entry slide.
He corrects his position.
Pete matches Tom Cruises' choreography in full movie wardrobe
- briefs, socks and shirt. Everything fits tightly.
The doorbell RINGS. Pete answers. The MAILMAN, knelt down,
places a package at the door. The mailman glimpses up to
discover Pete's crotch directly in his face.
Ahhh!
MAILMAN
He leaps to his feet.
A look of horror on his face.
MAILMAN
Here's the rest of your mail, Sir.
10.
Pete observes him, oddly, as he races off.
door and sifts through his mail.
Pete tosses bills. Rips up junk mail.
Curious, he opens it.
Pete shuts the
He pauses on a piece.
PETE
Thirtieth year reunion? Next
month? I must have died.
Pete grabs the phone.
Dials.
INT. BRIAN'S HOUSE -- LIVING ROOM -- SAME
Brian's interior decor is minimal.
and dated.
The phone RINGS several times.
answer it, ice cream in hand.
The furnishing is cheap
Brian darts into the room to
Time has not treated Brian well either. Chunky in build,
Brian has male pattern baldness coupled with an unusually
high hair line on his neck.
BRIAN
(pants)
Hello?
INTERCUT PETE AND BRIAN:
PETE
What's up, big boy?
Big boy?
big boy?
Brian.
BRIAN
Who you calling big boy,
PETE
It's just an expression.
BRIAN
Expression? Just sounds like
you're calling me fat.
Okay.
PETE
BRIAN
I'm not fat. I just have big
bones.
Yeah.
PETE
Did you run to the phone?
11.
No.
BRIAN
PETE
Then why the heavy breathing?
'Cause I told you before, I'm not
gay.
Pete?
Brian?
BRIAN
PETE
BRIAN
Can I help you with something,
stupid?
PETE
Yeah, big bones. Did you get an
invite to the thirtieth reunion?
BRIAN
Yeah, they found me.
You going?
PETE
I don't know what pains me more, a
butt hair wax job or these damn
reunions that keep poppin' up.
BRIAN
Very poetic.
PETE
Are you going?
BRIAN
Yeah. It'll be fun. I didn't go
to the tenth or the twentieth.
PETE
(mockingly)
It'll be fun. What a pansy!
BRIAN
Pansy? Let's see if you feel that
way after I tell you this.
What?
PETE
BRIAN
Your girl's gonna be there.
12.
Who?
PETE
BRIAN
The one that got away. Stacey
Clark. She's on the reunion
committee, didn't you see her name
on the invite?
Pete inspects his mail.
He restrains his excitement.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Who's the pansy now?
INT. PETE'S HOUSE -- LIVING ROOM -- LATER
Pete's interior decor is "dated bachelor pad"- a large big
screen television too big for the living room, old trophies,
banners and pictures of Pete as a young jock.
Pete paces. He stares at the invite. He eyes Stacey's phone
number and e-mail. He places it on a table, dashes into
another room, and returns with a standing mirror.
Pete removes his shirt, squeezes his stomach and love
handles. He sucks in his gut and pushes out his chest.
let's his body jiggle back to its true form.
Pete grabs the invite, heads for the phone.
up, dials, hangs up again.
He
He dials, hangs
Pete's anxiety over the call escalates. He ponders, then
heads for his computer. He constructs an e-mail, sighs, then
presses send.
EXT. LINDA'S HOUSE -- BACKYARD -- SAME
Members of the yearbook committee gather.
await the arrival of Jodie and Theodore.
Linda and Stacey
Linda has grown into an elegant, attractive woman.
as stunning as she was when she was a teenager.
Stacey is
The two ladies lounge on lawn chairs near an extravagantly
architectured pool.
STACEY
Oh my God, Linda. I love coming
here. It feels like a vacation.
LINDA
Thanks, Stacey.
13.
STACEY
Wake me up when the meeting's over.
I'm not!
LINDA
You better pay attention.
STACEY
Finally, the last leg. It feels
great to get some help on this
reunion.
LINDA
Sure does.... So how are things
going in the dating world?
STACEY
Oh, I don't know what to say. Lots
of bad fish, three degrees, and not
a man in sight.
LINDA
Is it that important to you?
STACEY
It's important. Hopefully I
haven't educated myself out of the
market.
LINDA
I remember the days when your
education trumped men.
STACEY
Yeah, but... it's time.
LINDA
You've been close though.
STACEY
Close? My ex-fiance' used to say
close was only good in horseshoes.
LINDA
Maybe that's why he's an ex.
JOHN, Linda's husband, escorts Jodie to the meeting.
John is a good-looking, physically-fit man in his early
thirties. Science, not nature, has solved Jodie's flat chest
problem. Jodie is beautiful and wears her breasts well.
Honey?
JOHN
14.
Linda and Stacey turn to see Jodie.
ladies SCREAM and hug.
Jodie!
John exits.
LINDA
Wow. My have you... grown.
JODIE
How have you guys been? Who's that
gorgeous piece of man, Linda? Is
that your son?
LINDA
What? Oh, my. No, that would be
my husband. Don't let him hear you
say that. I'm trying to keep his
head to a manageable size.
JODIE
I bet you are. Looks like you've
definitely got your groove back,
he's handsome.
STACEY (O.S.)
And heterosexual too.
JODIE
And how are you? You married to a
hunk too? I'm feeling left out.
STACEY
I'm terrific. Goodness... I don't
recall you being so... outgoing.
JODIE
Time changes us all. Some for the
good and some for the good.
They all laugh.
Jodie grabs a book.
JODIE
Is this our yearbook?
This is great.
Oh, my God.
Jodie flips through pages.
JODIE
(to Linda)
I remember him. What's his name?
Theodore.
LINDA
JODIE
He's coming too, right?
The three
15.
STACEY
Yeah, he should be here shortly.
JODIE
Wow, what a bunch of nerds we were.
LINDA
Look at the hairdos.
JODIE
You think you have it going on in
high school. Funny, funny. So
tell me more about that husband of
yours. Where did you meet him,
what does he do?
LINDA
He's a private investigator. Made
it big a few years ago busting some
huge celebrity cheating. After
that he branched out on his own.
Really?
Yeah.
JODIE
LINDA
Infidelity is big business.
JODIE
What spell did you conjure up to
nab him?
LINDA
No spell. I didn't even want to
date him let alone marry him.
Hypnosis!
STACEY
LINDA
God no, he was only seven years
older than my son. Just kept
chasing me. Telling me I was the
most intriguing woman he'd ever
met.
Jodie stares at Linda, amazed.
JODIE
You are my hero.
STACEY
Hopefully my date tonight is his
long lost twin.
16.
The ladies laugh.
JODIE
Look at this picture of Pete
Daniels. Whatever happened to that
creep?.... God, I hated him.
LINDA
Stacey didn't.
STACEY
Oh, please. I mean, I didn't hate
him or anything, but I sure wasn't
interested in being one of his
trophies.
Linda eyes Stacey.
LINDA
Is that right.
STACEY
Oh, stop. I might
it once, twice. I
imagine he went to
the NFL? He was a
That, or he became
of thought about
don't know, I
college, maybe
good athlete.
a porn star.
Theodore enters. He has outgrown his zits.
into a handsome, distinguished-looking man.
He has grown
THEODORE
Hello, ladies.
Oh my!
STACEY/LINDA/JODIE
INT. PETE'S '77 PLYMOUTH FURY (DRIVING) -- LATER
Pete is dressed in tight, vintage 1978 style athletic track
shorts. His cell phone RINGS. He checks the ID.
PETE
Hey, Mom.
(listens)
Yeah.... I guess.
(listens)
It's not like you would miss me.
(listens)
Okay, but Brian's coming with me.
(listens)
He's as much family as those
knucklehead brothers of mine.
(listens)
(MORE)
17.
PETE (CONT'D)
Mom, I'm not in the mood for a
bunch of negativity right now....
I'll be there in an hour.
(listens)
Okay.
Pete hangs up, bothered.
EXT. PARK -- LATER
Titles by Vangelis plays as a music bed.
DANIELS' FAMILY REUNION.
A banner reads -
The park is filled with odd relatives of all ages, most have
some version of bad hair or a bad hair style.
Pete and Brian foot race. Brian sports 1978 track shorts as
well. The duel intensifies as Brian and Pete trade leads.
Slow motion effect adds to the speed and intensity of the
race. However, when the normal image returns, it's revealed
that the dual is actually painful and slow.
Brian defeats Pete, but a group of kids and adults also in
the race have long since crossed the finish line.
TOMMY, Pete's 12 year old nephew, is as handsome as Pete was
at that age. He's also as obnoxious.
TOMMY
(to Pete/Brian)
It's about time. What a couple of
fat lardos!
BRIAN
(out of breath)
Hey, that's not nice! That's Mr.
Fat Lardo to you, kid.
EXT. PARK -- MOMENTS LATER
Pete and Brian catch their breath. They stagger toward the
tables. Large pizzas cover it. They both grab a box. Brian
opens his and pulls off half the pizza. Eats.
Pete's GRANDMA, early 90's, sneaks up to Pete with a blanket.
GRANDMA
Are you cold, Pete?
PETE
Hey, Grandma. No.
I'm okay.
18.
GRANDMA
You look a little cold with just
the two pieces you're wearing. I
thought you might want to cover up
a little. Keep your parts warm.
Um.
Okay.
PETE
My parts feel warm.
GRANDMA
(overlapping)
Kids out and all. Might want to...
put some things away. Did your
outfit used to fit, grandson?
Grammy!
Yeah.
PETE
It fits fine.
GRANDMA
Grandma steers her attention to Brian.
GRANDMA
Oh. I should've brought another
blanket. Matching pair... of
outfits here. Well, let me know if
you two change your mind. Sure
would be good for... for everyone.
Grandma saunters off.
EXT. PARK -- LATER
Near the picnic tables, Tommy bullies his overweight cousin,
KYLE. He snatches his plate of food.
Tommy hoists the food above Kyle's head. Kyle jumps, as
nearby relatives snicker. Pete storms up to the spectacle.
PETE
Tommy stop! Give him his food.
Tommy ignores Pete.
Kyle continues to jump.
TOMMY
No more food. He'll be fine.
Pete grabs the plate and returns it to Kyle.
TOMMY
Hey, I'm gonna tell my dad.
19.
PETE
Tell him.... I used to look and be
just like you when I was younger.
TOMMY
Yeah, right. In your dreams, Jaba.
PETE
What?! How is it that you know who
Jaba the Hut is anyway?
TOMMY
My dad bought me the original STAR
WARS. It's much better than the
newer one. Hey, don't try to
distract me, Jaba.
PETE
Be careful you might be Uncle Jaba
one day.
TOMMY
I don't think so!....
Dad!
Pete's brothers, PHIL and FRANK, both overweight with male
pattern baldness, pause from demolishing their food at the
nearby picnic table. They approach Pete, food in hand.
PHIL
Are you harassing my kid?
PETE
Just a little scared straight
program.
FRANK
Leave the kid alone. He's not
interested in your programs.
PETE
He should treat his cousin with
more respect.
FRANK
Shut up you big hypocrite. You
used to clown us the same way when
we were kids.
PETE
I know but -PHIL
-- But nothing!
20.
Frank tosses his food to the ground. He tackles Pete. Phil
joins. Frank headlocks Pete while Phil grabs his legs. Phil
snatches off Pete's shoes and socks in the scuffle.
Relatives ROAR with excitement. Frank and Phil drag Pete to
a small children's pool. They toss him in.
PHIL
That'll cool you off, Gandhi.
Frank searches. He locates his food on the ground, brushes
it off and resumes eating.
EXT. PARK -- MOMENTS LATER
MS. DANIELS (Pete's mom), UNCLE JIMMY (Pete's Uncle), and
Pete watch Brian, a group of overweight adults and several
children play musical chairs. Pete dries off with a towel.
PETE
I'm not playing the blame game,
Mom. But I could've learned a few
more life lessons growing up.
MS. DANIELS
(to Pete)
I tried several times to get you to
go to church. You didn't want to
go. That would've helped you be
this so called better man.
PETE
Church has worked?
For you?
MS. DANIELS
God's word guides me to treat
people as I would like to be
treated.
Musical chair music stops. An adult uses his massive frame
to shove a child out of a chair.
MS. DANIELS
(to contestant)
Hey! Hey! Don't you push her!
I'm gonna knock your block off!
Pete shakes his head, embarrassed.
UNCLE JIMMY
We're real proud of you, nephew.
You've definitely improved
yourself. A gotta say, a whole lot
since the little wife incident.
21.
PETE
What?! Little incident? You told
Uncle Jimmy my personal business?
MS. DANIELS
I just told him the one thing.
PETE
The one thing?! And that one thing
just had to be about my ex-wife?!
EXT. PETE'S HOUSE -- DAY -- FLASHBACK
A 38 year old Pete enters his front door, mail in hand.
INT. PETE'S HOUSE -- DAY
Pete's home decor has a woman's touch. He flips through the
mail. Pete hears groans. He tiptoes toward the bedroom.
INT. PETE'S HOUSE -- BEDROOM -- DAY
The bedroom door is shut. Pete braces himself, rushes in.
Pete's WIFE SCREAMS. A lump under the bed sheet reveals
itself. It's a WOMAN.
EXT. PETE'S HOUSE -- MOMENTS LATER
Pete's wife and mistress bolt from the house with only
gathered clothes shielding them. Pete rages at the door.
EXT. PARK -- CONTINUOUS -- PRESENT DAY
Pete glares at his mom.
PETE
Jesus, mom.... And you wonder why
my head's not on straight.
UNCLE JIMMY
Hey, don't go blamin' family for
your shortcomings. Family ain't
got nothing to do with how you are.
PETE
So what's your theory, Uncle Jimmy.
UNCLE JIMMY
I heard something about this inner
chi thing. Your chi is probably
screwed up or something.
PETE
My inner chi?
22.
UNCLE JIMMY
Or blame it on your no good daddy
that ran out on your mom and y'all.
MS. DANIELS
Jimmy!
UNCLE JIMMY
I'm just sayin'. The bum thought
food stamps was American currency.
Okay.
MS. DANIELS
That's enough.
UNCLE JIMMY
(under his breath)
Thought unemployment checks was
retirement money.
Ms. Daniels gives Uncle Jimmy a deadly stare.
What?!
UNCLE JIMMY
PETE
Well, Wherever my dysfunctions stem
from, thank you, but I'll be taking
over from here.
GRANDMA (O.S.)
I found another blanket, grandson!
INT. PETE'S HOUSE -- BATHROOM -- NIGHT
A bottle of Rogaine sits on the sink counter.
for hair growth.
Pete inspects
INT. PETE'S HOUSE -- BATHROOM -- MOMENTS LATER
Pete tries various styles for maximum comb-over coverage.
EXT. BRIAN'S HOUSE -- LATER
Pete drives up, parks, exits. Brian's Rottweilder CHAMPION
is loose, she GROWLS. Pete cautiously tiptoes to the door.
Damn dog!
PETE
Champion's bark intensifies.
Champion!
Brian's door opens.
BRIAN
Get in the house!
23.
Champion obeys.
BRIAN
Sorry about that.
PETE
Why don't you tie that vicious dog
up?
BRIAN
Champion's not vicious.
everybody.
She loves
PETE
Yeah, right.
INT. BRIAN'S HOUSE -- LIVING ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER
Brian leashes Champion.
PETE
Thanks for puttin' up with my
family today.
BRIAN
No problem. I had a good time.
Really?
Yeah.
PETE
BRIAN
PETE
(sarcastic)
You need to get out more.
Brian eyes Pete.
PETE
You mind if I use your computer?
For what?
BRIAN
PETE
I wanna check something.
INT. BRIAN'S HOUSE -- OFFICE -- MOMENTS LATER
Brian's desktop computer is dated.
litter the monitor.
Dozens of reminder notes
24.
Vintage!
PETE
BRIAN
You like it?
PETE
(sarcastic)
Yeah!
BRIAN
It's old, but it's still pretty
fast. Keeps up with all the new
stuff.
PETE
Okay, let's get on the super
highway then.
SERIES OF SHOTS
A) Clock on wall says 8:00 pm
B) Clock on wall says 8:30 pm
C) Clock on wall says 9:10 pm
D) Pete finally gets to his e-mail.
Oh, God.
PETE
BRIAN
I told you. Fast.
Yeah.
PETE
I'm dizzy.
Brian searches for a C.D. Pete pretend-hammers the computer.
Brian turns. He misses Pete's antics.
BRIAN
So what are you looking for?
PETE
(sighs)
I e-mailed Stacey.
BRIAN
What?! She tell you to go to hell
like the good old days?
25.
PETE
Nope. That would've been a better
response. She just didn't answer.
Pete contemplates.
PETE
I'll be fifty in two years.
BRIAN
So will I, what's the big deal?
PETE
Aren't you tired of living alone?
Nope.
BRIAN
I love it!
PETE
You've been married three times so
three strike rule applies.
Brian cringes.
BRIAN
Oooo, yeah.
PETE
I wanna get married again.
Brian grimaces.
By 50.
PETE
Brian grimaces more.
BRIAN
Even after the...?
Pete smirks.
BRIAN
All right, whatever rocks your
boat. I need to get you ready
then.
PETE
You need to get me ready?
BRIAN
Yup. Stacey's gotta see what she's
missing. She's gotta suffer, man.
26.
Suffer?
PETE
BRIAN
She's gotta want you bad. So bad
it makes her sick to the stomach.
So let's do it.
Yeah.
PETE
Let's do it!....
What's it?
EXT. THEATRE -- NIGHT
JIM, early 50's. A Miami Vice fan, Jim hasn't been able to
part with his Crocket and Tubs influenced garb.
Jim and Stacey reach the ticket window ATTENDANT.
him a coupon.
Jim hands
ATTENDANT
(examines coupon)
Two adults?
Yes.
JIM
ATTENDANT
One more dollar, Sir.
JIM
Are you kidding? I thought that
was a two dollar coupon? This is
robbery. Can I see that?
The Attendant POUNDS the coupon against the window.
ATTENDANT
That'll be one more dollar, Sir.
Stacey, embarrassed, turns to discover an even longer ticket
line. The moviegoers stare. Some with sympathy, some with
disgust. She turns back.
INT. THEATRE -- AUDITORIUM -- LATER
Stacey stands. Jim scoots past her. He arrives with one
small popcorn and a small drink. Jim settles into his seat.
JIM
(offers popcorn)
I bought some popcorn for us.
No.
STACEY
No thank you, Jim.
27.
He takes a sip of the soda and then offers it to Stacey.
No....
room.
STACEY
I need to go to the ladies
JIM
Okay. Can you see if we can get a
free refill?
Jim shoves the soda container toward her.
INT. THEATRE -- LOBBY -- MOMENTS LATER
Stacey engages in a heated phone conversation.
the soda container.
She clutches
STACEY
(whispers on phone)
I'm going to kill you, Barbara.
What were you thinking?
INT. BARBARA'S HOUSE -- KITCHEN -- SAME
Pure chaos. Four kids sprint through the house. They SCREAM,
YELL, and torture one another. BARBARA, Stacey's friend and
co-worker, stirs cake batter.
BARBARA
I don't know. He seemed like a
nice man to me. Hold on.
(to kids)
Stop running!
(to phone)
I thought you two would have a good
time hanging out.
INTERCUT STACEY AND BARBARA:
STACEY
What part of me made you think I'd
like to hang out with a cheap Miami
Vice reject?
BARBARA
You sure you're not being picky?
STACEY
I'm at a dollar theatre, Barbara.
It's dollar night. I didn't even
know they still had these.
28.
BARBARA
Well, there's this other guy that
you'd probably get along with
better. I'll introduce you to him.
STACEY
Not a chance. No more blind dates.
Barbara's now naked baby, KELSEY, hands her a soiled diaper.
BARBARA
Oh, Kelsey.... Stacey, I wish I
had your problem right now.
An older kid SMASHES into Barbara.
Cake batter spills.
STACEY
Me too. Look, I've got to go.
gotta go fake like I'm sick.
I
EXT. STACEY'S APARTMENT -- LATER
Stacey's apartment entry door is cracked open.
strategically blocks the entrance.
Her body
STACEY
I'm so sorry. It must've been the
mold in the walls or something.
JIM
You mind if I come up?
Huh?
STACEY
JIM
You got something?
STACEY
Mole spores in my nasal passages?
JIM
You know what I mean. Birth
control? Condoms? Diaphragm?
STACEY
(nicer)
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm with you now.
You naughty boy. Come on in.
Jim grins and simultaneously swaggers toward the entry door.
Stacey SLAMS the door shut in his face.
29.
Asshole!
STACEY (O.S.)
EXT. BRIAN'S '88 JEEP CHEROKEE (DRIVING) -- DAY
Brian and Pete cruise through Brentwood on the way to a pickup basketball game.
Their gear is old school. Brian sports large mid 70's eye
protective wear. His basketball shorts, also from the era,
are short, snug, probably deemed illegal in California.
Pete's gear is equally dated - striped knee high socks that
droop, vintage Allstars, and tight 80's style shorts.
Pete glances out the window.
sidewalks.
Joggers fill San Vicente
PETE
Man, look at all these joggers.
They're so damn healthy.
BRIAN
They're okay.
PETE
Look at this old dude. He could
probably run my ass to the ground.
Yeah.
BRIAN
PETE
Why do they get to be rich and live
longer than us too?
BRIAN
We work out just like them.
PETE
True.... Hey, our burgers are
getting cold.
BRIAN
Oh, yeah. Hand me mine....
are Diet Cokes, right?
Of course.
These
PETE
Pete pulls out two huge triple meat hamburgers.
continues to drive. The two chow down.
Brian
30.
BRIAN
Have you heard from your little
fantasy girl yet?
PETE
No. Not feeling too good about
that.
BRIAN
It's been a week, right?
PETE
She's probably still ticked about
high school.
BRIAN
She might be married.
think of that?
Did you
PETE
No. I didn't. You're right, she
might be. I should leave it alone.
EXT. BASKETBALL COURT -- LATER
Brian and Pete arrive. A group of YOUNG PLAYERS and three
older gentlemen, SAM, JOHN and ALI, gather at the court freethrow line.
The men shoot, one at a time, in preparation to select teams.
Brian and Pete leap from the car.
BRIAN
They just started. Come on, we can
make it.
(to group)
Hey! I'm shooting!
Brian and Pete hustle to the court.
Brian greets John with the latest cool handshake and a man
hug. The effort is awkward and dorky. The pair gives up and
opts for a traditional handshake.
Ali wears the latest hip-hop styled basketball gear.
and Pete gawk at him.
BRIAN
What the hell are you wearing?
ALI
That's funny. I was thinking the
same thing about you guys.
Brian
31.
Brian swaggers to the free-throw line.
backboard. The players laugh.
Whatever.
warm up.
His shot SLAMS the
BRIAN
I didn't get a chance to
Pete shoots.
He misses the entire basket.
More laughter.
John's turn.
Pete, Brian and Sam cheerlead.
BRIAN
Come on, John. You can make it.
PETE
Come on, man. Eye the rim baby.
SAM
Let's go, big guy.
John performs a ritual.
crew celebrate.
He shoots.
JOHN
(to youngsters)
Say my name, punks.
It's in!
The motley
Say my name!
EXT. BASKETBALL COURT -- MOMENTS LATER
Game underway.
Pete's squad.
The youngsters run circles around Brian and
The youngsters steal the ball, block shots, dunk.
youngsters fake. The old dudes fall.
The
Pete becomes the latest slam dunk victim.
BRIAN
Play some defense, Pete!
Shut up!
PETE
That was my defense.
Brian and Pete's squad play offense. Pathetic. Shots POUND
off the backboard. The youngsters rebound, run. Brian is
dunked on.
PETE
(sarcastic)
Play some defense, Brian.
Brian leers. KENNY a youngster, and deliverer of the dunk on
Brian, calls the game.
32.
KENNY
(to Brian)
That's game, pops.
(to sidelines)
Next!
BRIAN
Wait a minute! You guys only have
seven points!
KENNY
Yeah, that's seven to nothing.
That's a skunk.
(to sidelines)
Next!
PETE
Hey we didn't establish a skunk
rule! You can't do that. We're on
a comeback.
KENNY
A comeback? You know what?
Whatever. It's not like you gonna
see the court again today.
Kenny gestures toward the sidelines. What was once a few
people is now a crowd of players waiting to play.
KENNY
(to his team)
Let's finish the old dudes off so
they can go soak.
PETE
(to Brian)
Let's put these babies to bed.
EXT. BASKETBALL COURT -- MOMENTS LATER
Pete clutches the ball. He eyeballs his defender. He fakes
left, goes right. He beelines toward the basket for a lay-up
when, SMASH, a defender blocks his shot.
The ball speeds down the court. A player grabs it and
executes a spectacular dunk. The sideline EXPLODES.
SERIES OF SHOTS
A) Reverse dunk
B) From the free throw line dunk
C) Monster dunk
33.
EXT. BASKETBALL COURT -- LATER
Pete lies on the turf.
another monster dunk.
Kenny towers over Pete after yet
KENNY
That's game, pops.
(to sidelines)
Next!
Bengay time.
EXT. PETE'S HOUSE -- LATER
Brian drops Pete off.
with his hands.
Pete hoist his legs out of the car
BRIAN
You need some help, man?
No.
Brian shrugs.
PETE
Why would I need help?
Pete shuts the car door.
Good game.
Nods at Brian.
PETE
I'll see you later.
Brian drives off.
his front door.
Pete waits a few seconds, then limps to
INT. PETE'S HOUSE
LIVING ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER
Pete limps. His eyes focus on the computer as he hobbles
past it. He limps back, leers at it from a distance.
Pete limps quickly toward the machine. He grimaces in pain.
He checks his e-mail. His eyes widen. Pete kicks up his
heels. He cramps and falls to the ground.
I'm okay.
PETE
INT. PETE'S HOUSE -- LIVING ROOM -- LATER
Pete makes final touches on an e-mail. He clicks through
several pictures of himself. He's taken aback as he pours
over several accurate, but unacceptable photos.
PETE
I don't look like that.
Pete clicks more pictures. The photos are fifteen years old,
an era where Pete possessed hair and muscle tone.
34.
PETE
Here we go.
He attaches the picture to the e-mail.
He presses send.
INT. OFFICE BUILDING -- HALLWAY -- LATER
Jodie approaches an office door. Linda and Stacey trail, out
of hearing range, behind her. The door plaque reads:
Dr. Richard Peters Plastic Surgeon.
STACEY
(whispers to Linda)
What are we doing here?
LINDA
Hey, a girl's got to stay
competitive. I'm sixteen years
older than my husband.
So.
JODIE
LINDA
So there's a line waiting for me to
fall and not be able to get back
up. You do want to stay
competitive, don't you?
Stacey nods, amused. Jodie turns around, slightly annoyed
about the private meeting. She slings open the door.
JODIE
Come on, ladies. Beauty of ten
years past awaits us.
INT. DR. PETER'S OFFICE -- LOBBY -- MOMENTS LATER
Linda and Stacey seat themselves.
Jodie waits to check in.
STACEY
Pete e-mailed me.
Who?
LINDA
STACEY
Pete Daniels.... Lincoln High.
LINDA
You're kidding. What did he want?
35.
STACEY
He says he can't wait to see me.
He wants to escort me to the
reunion.... I don't know.
LINDA
So this man is telling you that
you're the most intriguing woman
that he's ever met. You said you
wanted that, right?
STACEY
Yeah, I did.
LINDA
So come on. It's time to give him
a chance. People change, Stacey.
STACEY
Yeah. I guess. I e-mailed him
back.
(digs in her purse)
Here. He sent me this picture.
LINDA
Oh, my. He hasn't changed much.
Still handsome. Hair like Sampson.
Jodie sneaks up.
JODIE
What are you ladies gawking at?
Please share.
Jodie sits beside them, sees pictures.
JODIE
Where did you get this?
STACEY
The internet. He's still handsome,
huh?
JODIE
Mmmmm. He's all right.... What
year is this? These clothes look
awfully dated.
STACEY
I don't know.
JODIE
His ego's so big. I wouldn't doubt
this picture was a decade old.
(MORE)
36.
JODIE (CONT'D)
The internet. People lie. 6'2",
well built, CEO means 5'5", fat and
out of work.
LINDA
Hello Miss Cynical.... Well,
there's one way to find out.
Off Jodie and Stacey's look.
LINDA
My husband. The investigator.
I'll get one of his guys to do me a
favor.
Oh, Linda.
STACEY
I wouldn't feel right.
JODIE
Let her help you. Hell, she can
help me too. I can't have all this
go to waste on fake resumes.
LINDA
Dollar movie night, Stacey.
movie night.
Okay.
Dollar
STACEY
Wow, I feel like James Bond.
LINDA
We're not going to kill him. We're
just going to make sure he looks
like this picture.
STACEY
Good that's settled.
stuck in the face.
Let's go get
EXT. PETE'S HOUSE -- DAY
Pete exits in workout gear. Turns off his sprinkler. Reels
the hose in. Inspects a few plants, then rushes to his car.
INT. '02 FORD EXPLORER -- CONTINUOUS
A PHOTOGRAPHER SNAPS pictures of Pete from across the street.
EXT. MISSION -- DAY
Jodie serves food to the local HOMELESS.
HOMELESS MAN 1
Marry me, Jodie.
37.
JODIE
Aww. This is the twenty-ninth
proposal today. I'm gonna have to
line you all up and just pick.
Homeless man 1 laughs.
HOMELESS MAN 1
I'll be waiting.
JODIE
Okay, love.
HOMELESS MAN 2
Number thirty. Lucky number.
JODIE
What piece do you want?
HOMELESS MAN 2
(lustful)
I'll take some breasts.
Jodie searches the chaffing dish.
She spots several breasts.
JODIE
No breasts for you. That's just
too much meat for you anyway.
Grabs wings.
JODIE
Here, take these wings and keep out
of trouble. Keep moving. Go on.
Homeless man 2 laughs.
Hi, Jodie.
Hey, Chad.
Yeah.
The next man steps up.
CHAD
JODIE
You doing all right?
CHAD
Thanks.
JODIE
You're taking your medicine, right?
CHAD
Yes ma'am, I'm taking my medicine.
It's Chad.
38.
JODIE
Good. Let me know if you need help
with anything, okay?
CHAD
Okay. Right now that chicken leg
looks great.
INT. STACEY'S APARTMENT -- LIVING ROOM -- DAY
Stacey sits on a couch. Watches television. She eats cheese
and crackers. Her phone RINGS. She lays her plate down and
dashes across the room to answer it.
Hello?
STACEY
MAN'S VOICE
Hi. I'm downstairs. I have a
package for Stacey from Linda.
Shocked, surprised, Stacey gathers herself.
STACEY
Come on up.
She heads to the couch. Her eyes widen.
enjoys her food. Stacey SCREAMS.
Stacey hurls a nearby phone book.
A MOUSE!
The mouse
The mouse bolts into the
KITCHEN
Stacey, close behind, grabs a broom. She swings wildly
managing only to destroy her kitchen.
Stacey hears a KNOCK.
She heads toward the
LIVING ROOM
Adjusts, then opens the door to a MESSENGER.
MESSENGER
Is everything okay?
Yeah.
STACEY
Everything's fine.
MESSENGER
I thought I heard screaming.
STACEY
Yeah, my television.
39.
Okay.
MESSENGER
Well, have fun.
He hands her an 8 1/2 by 11 envelope.
Thanks.
STACEY
Stacey SHUTS the door, trudges to the couch.
package onto her coffee table.
Stacey contemplates.
it, rips it open.
She throws the
She stares at the envelope.
She grabs
Stacey shuffles through several pictures, disappointed. She
snatches her purse and pulls out the picture sent by Pete.
Stacey places the top picture on her stack side to side with
the internet picture. Substantially different. She stares
at them motionless, angry, shocked, annoyed.
INT. GYM -- SAME
Pete, on his back, bench presses. Pete sweats, GROANS and
strains from the massive amount of weight he lifts.
BRIAN (O.S.)
Come on! Let's go. Seven, eight,
nine. Come on, man! Ten. That's
it. Nice job.
A wider view of the two reveals that Pete has only bench
pressed the bar with no weights on it.
PETE
You're trying to kill me.
BRIAN
Kill you? I'm trying to get you
ready. Don't you wanna look good
for your high school I-wish-she-wasmy sweetheart?
Pete's expression is strange.
Brian notices.
BRIAN
What's wrong?
PETE
I sent her a picture.
BRIAN
Oh, no. You sent the 1992 pictures
again didn't you?
40.
PETE
I shouldn't have done that, huh?
BRIAN
You tell me. Fifteen years ago you
bench pressed 450, now you curl
twelve ounce beers.
Pete sits up.
PETE
She wants me to speak at the
reunion.
BRIAN
Please tell me you said no.
Pete shrugs.
BRIAN
Have you lost your mind?!
GYM PATRONS spy Brian and Pete's loud conversation.
notices. He quiets himself.
BRIAN
Have you lost your mind? Stacey
gives you an in and you blow it?
PETE
I didn't want her to see me like
this.
Pete gestures toward his body.
BRIAN
Come on man! We all get old and
flabby. She's probably gonna be
more pissed that you lied to her
than what you look like.
PETE
I know. I feel stupid. I figured
I'd work out and at least get close
to the damn picture.
BRIAN
Oh, now that's funny. Well, what's
done is done. We've got a lot of
work to do, Pinocchio. Let's go.
Brian pushes Pete's back down.
Brian
41.
DWIGHT, very fit, handsome, gay, mid 30's appearance, sashays
up to them.
DWIGHT
Guys, guys. I hate arguing....
Here take my card, I'm a therapist.
I specialize in special couples.
(whispering)
It's good to talk to a professional
who can relate to our unique
situations.
Brian and Pete stare at Dwight, amazed.
EXT. LINDA'S HOUSE -- DAY
A 2001 Mercedes 320 races to the curb. Parks crooked. Jodie
leaps from the vehicle and speeds to Linda's door. She
knocks, frantically. Linda answers.
Jodie?
LINDA
Have you lost it, honey?
I'm sorry.
JODIE
I got excited.
LINDA
Okay. So here's the thing. Before
I let you in, you have to be a
little less excited.
Jodie gathers herself.
Okay.
JODIE
I'm sorry.
I'm ready.
LINDA
You sure? Because I can give you
more time.
I'm sure.
Linda turns.
JODIE
I'm ready.
Jodie follows.
She shakes her fist in joy.
INT. LINDA'S HOME -- DINING ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER
Stacey is seated. She puzzlingly stares at pictures of Pete
spread out on the table. Jodie scampers up and seats herself
next to Stacey.
JODIE
Let me see, let me see!
42.
Jodie grabs the pictures and leafs through them.
JODIE
Look at what the Lord has made.
There truly is a God and she is
vengeful.
Jodie!
STACEY
JODIE
I'm sorry, I know that's catty.
But you don't know how awful he was
to me in high school.
STACEY
We all had problems in high school.
JODIE
You didn't have problems, you were
one of the popular ones.
Jodie examines pictures again.
JODIE
Look at that gut.
Is he pregnant?
LINDA
She's right, Stacey. We could come
up with a dozen adages.... What
goes around comes around.
JODIE
What's good for the goose is good
for the gander.
LINDA
You reap what you sow.
STACEY
Revenge is a dish best served cold!
I mean give me a break. Why do
people do that? At some point
you're going to see the person that
sends you pictures of what they
looked like a hundred years ago.
Geez. He needs to learn a lesson.
JODIE
That's the spirit girl.
we gonna do?
What are
43.
INT. LINDA'S HOUSE -- OFFICE -- LATER
Jodie scans pictures. Stacey and Linda sit near the
computer. Stacey types an e-mail.
INSERT - E-MAIL
It reads:
Hey, Pete. Thanks for the picture.
have not changed one bit.
You look great!
I forgot to send you a picture of me.
Here you go.
You
I've changed a little.
LINDA
(to Jodie)
It's scanned?
Yes.
JODIE
I'm ready.
Stacey attaches the picture to the e-mail.
ladies eye each other, satisfied.
Sends it.
The
INT. PETE'S HOUSE -- LIVING ROOM -- DAY
Pete's mood is good. He's dressed for work in his window
washer outfit. He struts toward the door. Stops abruptly.
He strolls to his computer.
Pete logs in to his e-mail account. He sees the letter from
Stacey. Excited, he opens it, reads it.
PETE
You've changed? I'm sure you're as
gorgeous as ever.
Pete opens the file.
He gasp, then SCREAMS in horror.
Pete darts frantically through his house. Constant SCREAM.
The doorbell RINGS. Pete answers. SCREAM is still going.
AGNES, BETTY AND GERTRUDE are at the door. All, late 60's.
Agnes, the sassy one, Betty, pure innocence, and Gertrude,
youthful, I've-watched-one-too-many-music-video spirit.
Pete yanks open the door, sees the trio.
in their faces.
EXT. PETE'S HOUSE -- MOMENTS LATER
The ladies are still, mouths are dropped.
He SLAMS the door
44.
AGNES
Did your little boyfriend just slam
the door in our face, Gertrude?
BETTY
That was so rude.
GERTRUDE
I told you before, he's not my
boyfriend.
AGNES
Whatever. Didn't you guys...
(sexual hand gesture)
You know.
GERTRUDE
That was seven years ago, Agnes.
Are guys you dated 50,000 years ago
still your boyfriend?
BETTY
(puts ear to door)
He's still screaming.
AGNES
You need to get your boyfriend
together.
BETTY
We should come back when he's
feeling better.
AGNES
(to Gertrude)
Why don't you go in and make him
feel good?
Gertrude eyeballs her.
INT. LIMOUSINE -- DAY
Stacey and Ted cruise the city streets.
STACEY
I have to say, I was shocked when
you called.
THEODORE
I have a confession.
What?
STACEY
45.
THEODORE
I hate reunion committees.
Stacey laughs.
STACEY
So why did you come?
THEODORE
I came to see you. I hadn't seen
you in years. I thought it would
be nice. And it was.
Stacey blushes.
THEODORE
Give my apologies to your husband.
STACEY
No husband.
No?
No.
THEODORE
STACEY
THEODORE
Well, I am extremely sorry to hear
that.
Theodore smiles broadly.
Listen.
Uh, oh.
THEODORE
Another confession.
STACEY
THEODORE
I hate reunions too, but I'm
willing to put away my loathing if
you come with me.
Stacey has a slight hesitation.
THEODORE
Friends. Purely friends. What do
you say? It'll be fun. We can
exchange skin cleanser stories.
Stacey laughs.
46.
STACEY
That sounds great.
Terrific.
THEODORE
Let's do it.
INT. PETE'S HOUSE -- LIVING ROOM -- CONTINUOUS
Pete stares at his computer, stunned. The computer displays
an awful side profile picture of him in his front yard.
INT. OFFICE BUILDING -- DAY
A boring meeting is taking place. The PRESENTER has a
monotone voice. The PARTICIPANTS are dazed.
Huge windows on the floor give the Participants a grand view.
PRESENTER
So, as you can see on the chart,
growth has declined significantly
over the last years.
One of the Participants raises a curious eye as he spots an
object floating on the outside bottom edge of the window.
PRESENTER
We need to revamp our marketing
strategies. This downward trend
must end.
The object wiggles. It grows as more Participants notice.
The Presenter notices the distracted Participants.
The Presenter turns toward the window.
disappeared.
The object has
PRESENTER
Is there something much more
interesting outside?
No.
PARTICIPANTS
Sorry.
The object appears again.
This time bigger.
EXT. OFFICE BUILDING -- SAME
Brian and Pete hoist themselves, on a scaffold, up the
exterior of the office structure.
It's windy.
Pete's comb-over blows wildly.
47.
PETE
(yells over wind)
She knows!
What?
BRIAN
PETE
What I really look like!
knows.
Stacey
BRIAN
Oh, boy. I knew you shouldn't have
sent that picture.
PETE
Okay. Thanks Monday morning
quarterback.
BRIAN
How'd she bust you?
PETE
Somebody shot some pictures of me.
They got me on my bad side.
BRIAN
Your bad side? Which side is that?
PETE
You know, like when I bend like
this.
Pete poses.
Oh, yeah.
BRIAN
That's not a good look.
PETE
I just wish they could've got me
like this.
Pete gives his best pose.
PETE
Or like this. It wouldn't be any
problem, you know.
BRIAN
Yeah those are good. I know what
you mean. I try to pose like this,
or like this.
48.
Oh.
PETE
I like those too.
BRIAN
That's too bad. Back to the
drawing board, huh?
Yeah.
PETE
Pretty much.
BRIAN
You're still going to the reunion,
right?
PETE
Yeah. Why not. I'm not gonna let
this get me down.
Pete's hair blows frantically.
What?
Brian points to it.
PETE
BRIAN
The safety test.
Pete grabs his comb-over.
We're failing.
He straightens it to no avail.
INT. OFFICE BUILDING -- DAY
The occupants stare out the window. They stifle laughter as
they eye a portion of Pete's hair and scalp from the window.
EXT. OFFICE BUILDING -- SAME
BRIAN
You need a hair cut.
PETE
I need a hair cut?
BRIAN
Yeah. How much longer are you
gonna let it grow? It's gonna need
a separate social security number
after awhile.
PETE
What?! I don't know. I hadn't
really thought about it until now.
BRIAN
Well, it's time to think about it.
The reunion's next week.
49.
PETE
Okay. I guess we should get down
and head to the office.
BRIAN
No, we should get down and go get
that haircut.
Pete smirks.
EXT./INT BARBERSHOP -- LATER
The barbershop has an old fashion flair - spinning barber
pole outside, vintage barber chairs and sinks inside.
DAN, CARL and JOE, mid to late sixties, read a newspaper,
sleep and clean an already clean area, respectively.
The shop is empty, void of energy, but as Brian and Pete
enter the motley crew springs to life.
Hey!
DAN
Look what the wind blew in.
The men greet.
BRIAN
You have time to cut some hair?
DAN
Brian, you know we only take
appointments. We're swamped.
Pete and Brian scan the barbershop.
PETE
Yeah, I see. Sorry to bother you.
BRIAN
I know we should've called, but
Pete really... we really need
haircuts. We're getting ready for
a reunion. Our thirtieth.
DAN
Thirtieth?! Good one.
BRIAN
So what do you say, guys?
The barbers eye each other.
CARL
Give me a second.
50.
Carl opens a drawer. He pulls out a tiny notebook.
through it. Brian and Pete restrain laughter.
CARL
Here we go. Here's a spot.
right, let's go.
He flips
All
DAN
But next time, call first.
Pete darts over to Dan's chair and takes a seat.
Pete's hair.
DAN
Looks like we're gonna need a
little miracle for this one.
Carl marches toward his barber chair.
CARL
Come on, Brian!
Brian walks to Carl's chair and sits.
DAN
What do you want done to this
thing?
PETE
Just a little off the sides.
The barbers eye each other, amused.
DAN
Don't you think it's time for a
completely new look? Why don't you
cut it all off?
Pete quickly protects his hair with his hand.
PETE
Oh, I'm not ready for that.
DAN
Not ready?! It'll look great.
It'll be a strong look for you.
JOE
It would. Hey, some of the
greatest men in the world have had
bald heads. Telly Savalas, and
uh, help me out guys, that Ten
Commandments fellow.
Dan eyes
51.
DAN
Yul Brynner... and that kid Howie
Mandel.
CARL
Ron Howard.
PETE
He's not bald.
SAM/DAN
But he should be.
DAN
What are you hanging on to it for,
son? This ain't foolin' nobody.
BRIAN
I've tried to tell him.
Ted and Dan study Brian.
CARL
(to Brian)
Brian, your hair line is too high
on the back here. Are you cutting
your own hair again?
Brian grabs the back of his head.
BRIAN
What do you mean? My line's fine.
I don't need much cutting.
Carl eyes Dan, shakes his head, raises his eyebrows. Carl
grabs hair shears. He makes a tiny stroke on the back of
Brian's neck.
Dan grabs scissors. He grasp the end of Pete's comb-over.
He snips a small piece off the end of it.
DAN
That'll be twenty dollars.
CARL
(overlapping)
That'll be twenty dollars.
Dan and Carl hand mirrors to the guys.
PETE
Oh, that looks great.
52.
BRIAN
(overlapping)
Good job. I love it.
DAN
Have a happy reunion. You two are
going to be the toast of the town.
CARL
Toast.
Yeah.
SUPER:
ONE WEEK LATER
INT. -- STACEY'S APARTMENT -- BATHROOM -- NIGHT
Stacey applies lipstick.
KNOCK, turns.
Her dress is stunning.
She hears a
INT. JODIE'S HOUSE -- BEDROOM -- SAME
Jodie secures her breasts in a gorgeous, strapless dress.
INT. LINDA'S HOUSE -- LIVING ROOM -- SAME
John, handsomely dressed, gently kisses Linda on the
shoulder. He ogles his beautiful wife.
INT. BRIAN'S HOUSE -- BATHROOM -- SAME
Brian, smartly dressed, uses a mirror to check his hairline.
He's pleased.
INT. PETE'S HOUSE
LIVING ROOM -- SAME
Pete, also smartly dressed, poses in the big mirror.
adjusts his comb-over for maximum coverage.
He
EXT. HOTEL -- LATER
A line of automobiles await valets. Energy is high. Alumni
exit cars, hug and kiss as they recognize one another. Many
move toward the hotel entrance.
INT. HOTEL -- BANQUET ROOM LOBBY -- SAME
Jodie and Linda check-in alumni and pass out name-tags at a
lobby table. Pete enters the area.
Hey.
LINDA
There's Pete.
Jodie's head whips around.
clothes. Linda eyes her.
She straightens her hair and
53.
LINDA
What are you doing?
What?!
JODIE
Nothing!
Pete reaches the table.
Name?
Jodie becomes nonchalant.
JODIE
PETE
It's Pete.... Hey, beautiful.
How'd I miss you at Lincoln?
Last name?
JODIE
LINDA
Jodie! Stop acting like that!
Pete Daniels. How are you?
PETE
Linda? Jodie? You guys look
awesome. I'm fine. Thank you....
Jodie, wow!
JODIE
(sarcastic)
Hmph. Yeah. Wow yourself.
really... wow!
I mean
Jodie laughs. Linda slaps her on the shoulder, prompting her
to stop. No luck. Infectious laughter. Linda chuckles.
LINDA
I'm sorry, Pete.
PETE
Hey you know, don't worry about it.
I know I've changed a little bit.
JODIE
(laugh continues)
A little bit?
Linda restrains laughter.
LINDA
What are you doing these days?
PETE
I'm a uh..., a window washer.
54.
Jodie nods, restrains laughter.
JODIE
Well, that's good.
PETE
Thanks.
JODIE
My car's outside. You think you
can get my windows?
Jodie laughs once more.
Brian steps up.
BRIAN
You get the name tags?
PETE
No, not yet. Jodie and Linda were
just finding great pleasure over
the demise of my physical stature.
BRIAN
What?
JODIE
He said, we're admiring how
virility and strength have passed
him by.
BRIAN
Oh. Now that's not nice. We've
been working out you know.
Laughter escalates.
LINDA
I'm sorry, guys. Here are your
name tags. Have a nice time.
Pete grabs the name-tags
PETE
Not so fast chuckles.
here?
Oh, yeah.
JODIE
She's here all right.
Pete scans the room, excited.
What?!
Is Stacey
PETE
Where?
55.
JODIE
See that distinguished looking stud
over there. Look to his left.
That's her. And that's her date,
Ted, the rich, ex-nerd.
Ted?!
PETE
JODIE
He told me you used to torture him
too. I would advise you not try
that today.
Jodie caresses her breasts.
JODIE
This must be a living hell for you.
PETE
(to Jodie)
Didn't you used to be kinda quiet?
Hands still on her breasts.
JODIE
Things change. Some for the good
and some for the... bad.
BRIAN
You got that right!
Linda and Jodie eyeball Brian.
INT. HOTEL -- BANQUET ROOM LOBBY -- SAME
Theodore and Stacey converse with Frank and Gerald. Frank
and Gerald have not changed, they're just grown up geeks now.
GERALD
I still can't believe this. You
two? On a date? This is awesome,
I feel inspired. I'm gonna find me
a hot chick tonight too.
Frank gestures toward a HOMELY WOMAN at the hors d'oeuvres
table.
FRANK
(to Gerald)
Good idea. What do you think your
wife's gonna think about that
though?
56.
GERALD
I don't think she'll take too
kindly to my new goal.
Nerdy laughter.
THEODORE
Stop it, guys. What are you,
twelve? We're merely keeping each
other company at a monumental
event.
GERALD
Sure. Stacey, Ted has loved you
for a long, time. The beginning of
time even. The Big Bang.
FRANK
The Big Bang as the beginning of
time is just a theory.
GERALD
Shut up romance killer! The
beginning of time, Stacey.
Stacey, flirtingly, eyes Ted.
STACEY
Well, if that's true, I'm very
flattered.
THEODORE
Then it's the absolute truth.
INT. HOTEL -- BANQUET ROOM LOBBY -- SAME
Pete and Brian observe Stacey from afar. Brenda, no longer
the shapely, sexy teenager, sashays up to them. Brenda is
fat, round. Her gravity pulled breasts are still large.
Brian eats olives from a plate with a tooth pick.
Pete?
BRENDA
Pete Daniels?
Pete and Brian spot Brenda.
They do a double take.
PETE
I'm sorry. It's been years.
What's your name, Miss?
Brenda moves closer. She aggressively pulls him into her.
She whispers orgasmic sounds in his ear.
57.
Oh, Pete.
Pete jumps back.
Brenda?
BRENDA
Oh, Ohh, Ohhh.
Brian eye's widen.
PETE
BRENDA
(flirtatious)
Hi, Petey. I missed you.
BRIAN
Whoa, Brenda. What a coincidence
we were just talking about you.
Petey, was just saying how he
misses you too.
Pete glares at Brian. Brian holds his composure, smiles.
Brenda helps herself to an olive.
BRENDA
Really? Oh, I'm so glad we still
have our connection.
PETE
I guess the curiosity for the night
is what everybody's doing. So what
do you do?
BRENDA
Can you keep a secret?
Sure.
PETE
BRIAN
Yeah, sure.
Brenda searches her purse.
She hands them cards.
Shock.
BRENDA
(whispers)
I'm a phone sex operator.
Brenda steps to Pete.
Presses her body against his.
BRENDA
But of course you'd have access to
more than just a voice. Did you
drive? You do still drive, right?
Pete jumps back once more.
58.
PETE
Brenda! I don't know what to say.
You've given me a lot to think
about. Can I call you later?
BRIAN
Yeah, later.
PETE
I was just going over my reunion
speech with Brian.
Pete nudges Brian very hard with his elbow.
BRENDA
Okay. Don't wait too long though.
There's a big line.
PETE
Oh, I can see why.
I can see it.
BRENDA
I'd better go find my husband.
PETE
Your husband?! Aren't You kinda
adventurous for a married women?
BRENDA
He doesn't care. We haven't had
physical sex for five years.
Yipes!
BRIAN
BRENDA
He calls me from another room.
Makes me have phone sex with him.
Okay.
PETE
BRENDA
Physical touch, Petey.
live on phone sex.
I can't
Brenda saunters off as she blows a kiss at Pete. She takes
her index finger and touches her bottom. Pete and Brian fake
smile and then grimace as they watch her parade off.
BRIAN
I must say she does have a nice
voice.
59.
Brian gazes at the card.
face, now aimed at him.
What?!
He looks up to see Pete's grimacing
BRIAN
I'm just saying.
Brian and Pete refocus on Stacey and Theodore.
BRIAN
You just focus on your girl. You
gonna stand over here and take
that? The nerd crew? I never
thought I'd live to see this.
PETE
It's her loss.... Hmph.
money.
I've got
BRIAN
(eats)
You do? Where?
Shut up!
lips.
PETE
I'm trying to read their
INT. HOTEL -- BANQUET ROOM LOBBY -- SAME
LINDA
(gestures toward Pete)
You think he's got enough nerve to
go over there?
JODIE
I hope so. This is gonna be fun.
Look at him.... Pathetic.
INT. HOTEL BANQUET ROOM LOBBY -- SAME
Stacey whispers to Theodore.
direction of the rest-rooms.
She hurries off, points in the
BRIAN
Go talk to her.
PETE
So, I should stalk her now?
BRIAN
You're already a stalker.
just not that good. Go!
You're
60.
PETE
I have a better idea. I'll go make
nice with her little rich, nerdy
boyfriend.
INT. HOTEL -- BANQUET ROOM LOBBY -- MOMENTS LATER
THEODORE
I just created a better wheel
that's all.
(to Gerald)
I told you to study Calculus more.
Pete interrupts Theodore's conversation.
PETE
Nerds! I thought I'd never see you
again and here you are. All grown
and nerdied up.
I'm sorry.
FRANK
Who are you?
PETE
Pete Daniels. Nerd detector
extraordinaire.
THEODORE
Wait, hold on.... You don't get to
do that anymore.
PETE
Do what, oh King of nerds?
THEODORE
That high school bully crap. Have
you looked in a mirror lately?
I have.
PETE
I look pretty good.
THEODORE
Wrong answer, thanks for playing
though. Look bozo, why don't you
go cuddle up with some Rogaine and
leave me and my friends alone.
Pete steps closer.
Or what?
PETE
61.
Theodore beckons two HUGE BODYGUARDS that dwarf, and now
stand behind, Pete. Pete turns toward them. He quickly
turns back to Theodore.
PETE
Oh, Theodore! Theodore from
Lincoln High! I thought you were
another Theodore. I'm sorry.
Excuse me gentlemen I have a
reunion speech to prepare for.
Sorry for the misunderstanding.
Pete turns toward the bodyguards.
between them. Bounces off.
Attempts to squeeze
THEODORE
(to bodyguards)
It's okay, guys.
One of the men takes his hand and messes up Pete's hair.
THEODORE
This is not some football game,
Pete. This is real life. And
you're losing.
Theodore nods at the bodyguards.
escapes, hurries toward Brian.
The two men separate.
INT. HOTEL -- BANQUET ROOM LOBBY -- MOMENTS LATER
BRIAN
Did you just get punked by some
nerds?
Yes.
PETE
Yes I did.
BRIAN
I don't know you.
Okay.
PETE
I understand.
Dwight sashays up to Brian and Pete.
DWIGHT
Fellows! My goodness!
seeing you here.
Ahhh!
BRIAN
Fancy
Pete
62.
DWIGHT
Don't be frightened. I see
closet's sealed tight. The 70's
were rough. I understand. That's
why I do what I do. I'm a detraumatizer.
PETE
Really? Is that a..., is that a
real word?
DWIGHT
You silly man. Look at me, I'm so
rude. I never got your names.
Brian.
BRIAN
PETE
Pete Daniels, and we're not...
DWIGHT
Pete Daniels?! The Pete Daniels?
(pushes Pete)
Get out! And Brian, you were our
fullback, right?
Brian is flattered.
Why, yes!
BRIAN
DWIGHT
(pushes Brian)
You get out too! I cheered for you
guys! I was on the cheerleader
squad.
PETE
Cheerleader squad?
DWIGHT
Yes! Oh, you poor dears. It
must've been rough, big football
players and all.
BRIAN
You went to Lincoln High in '78?
Dwight poses.
BRIAN
Damn man, you look good.
63.
DWIGHT
Thanks. Blame my trainer and my
surgeon for that. They are
fabulous.
Pete nudges Brian, eyeballs him. Dwight reaches in his
jacket pocket, pulls out business cards.
DWIGHT
Tell him Dwight sent you. He'll
throw in a free lip injection.
No way?
BRIAN
DWIGHT
Yes, way. And here's my card
again, keep in touch. Fascinating.
Such a studlicious couple.
PETE/BRIAN
We're not -DWIGHT
Gonna ever break up? You guys are
awesome. God, I'm such a motor
mouth tonight. I gotta go. Good
seeing you guys again.
Dwight darts off.
Pete and Brian are left stunned.
INT. HOTEL -- BANQUET ROOM LOBBY -- MOMENTS LATER
Maria steps up to the sign-in table.
all of her high school baby fat.
Maria has burned off
JODIE
Maria? Wow, look at you! You look
terrific. Linda, you remember
Maria?
Jodie shuffles around the table to hug Maria.
LINDA
Nice to see you again.
MARIA
You too. Hi, Jodie! I look
terrific? Look at you.
JODIE
Thank you, honey. Ooo, your timing
is great. I have the best present
a girl could ever have for you.
64.
Really?
MARIA
What?
Jodie turns Maria around.
JODIE
Look over there, my dear.
guess who that is?
No.
Who?
Can you
MARIA
JODIE
That balding piece of flabby man is
none other than Pete Daniels.
No.
MARIA
JODIE
Yes. Isn't mother nature cruel?
Let's go harass him, I've got time.
Jodie prances toward Pete.
MARIA
Oh, well, no Jodie. I forgave Pete
a long time ago, I wish him well.
Hopefully he's grown out of all
that evil kid stuff.
Jodie halts, turns toward Maria. Her expression is that of
disbelief. She strolls back, sits down.
JODIE
Well. I'm just gonna sit my evil
ass down.
Oh,
I'm
The
for
MARIA
no, I didn't mean it like that.
just in a different space now.
whole revenge thing, it's not
me. I'm sorry.
Linda smiles, Jodie smirks.
MARIA
Hey, you guys should come to my
support group. It helped me get
rid of a lot of old anger.
65.
JODIE
Thank you, but I love my old anger.
Oh! Here's your badge. So nice to
see you.
MARIA
Okay. See you guys inside. Here's
my card if you change your mind.
Jodie fakes a smile.
scurries off.
Linda hides giggles.
Maria joyfully
JODIE
What a little party pooper....
Little Mother Maria.
LINDA
That's Mary.
JODIE
What?
LINDA
That's Little Mother Mary.
JODIE
Duh. Maria is Mary in Spanish.
Don't you start on me too.
INT. HOTEL -- BANQUET ROOM LOBBY -- SAME
Brian stomps over to one of the bodyguards and shoves him.
BRIAN
Keep your hands off my friend,
asshole.
A shoving match breaks out.
Hey!
Hey!
THEODORE
Stop it!
The bodyguard backs off.
Stop it now!
Pete rushes in, grabs Brian.
BRIAN
(to Theodore)
Fuckin' snob. Don't think because
you have money you're untouchable.
Stacey rushes toward the men.
STACEY
What's going on?
66.
Nothing.
THEODORE
Nothing, Stacey.
BRIAN
(overlapping)
Nothing. Just a little thirtieth
reunion testosterone that's all.
INT. HOTEL -- BATHROOM -- MOMENTS LATER
Brian and Pete stand in the bathroom mirror.
Pete off, helps him readjust his tie.
Brian dusts
Brian hands Pete a compact mirror. They laugh. Pete checks
his hair, makes adjustments. Brian slaps both sides of
Pete's arms. Pete is ready.
INT. HOTEL -- BANQUET ROOM -- LATER
Linda introduces speakers from a podium in the eloquently
decorated banquet room.
Nine people sit at a table facing the audience.
The one
empty chair belongs to Linda. Theodore, Stacey and Jodie
occupy three seats.
Pete, one of five SPEAKERS, appears uncomfortable.
LINDA
(waves at John)
Hi, honey!...
(to audience)
That's my husband.... Sorry.
Well, this is one of my favorite
presentations of the reunion....
I'm talking about our what are they
doing now segment not my husband.
Mild AUDIENCE LAUGHTER.
LINDA
Presenting this segment is none
other than class of '78 Lincoln
High super star quarterback, Pete
Daniels!
Pete stands. CLAPS fade to WHISPERS. Alumni shrug as some
fail to recognize him. MILD LAUGHTER from some who do.
Pete's old football buddies, lead by Brian, slowly stand.
They CLAP THUNDEROUSLY for Pete.
67.
Dwight stands, CLAPS loudly. Ex-jocks eyeball Dwight, but
return their focus to Pete. They YELL and CHANT Pete's name.
The sitting alumni join in, stand. The CLAPPING grows.
PETE
Thank you, Thank you. I know. I
didn't recognize any of you either.
AUDIENCE LAUGHTER.
PETE
As you can see, things have
changed.
AUDIENCE LAUGHTER.
PETE
Things that were flat are now round
(rubs belly)
AUDIENCE LAUGHTER.
PETE
Things that were up are now down.
For some of us.
Pete glances at Jodie.
Audience laughs.
Jodie ignores Pete.
PETE
I have to be honest..., doing this
segment has forced me to reflect a
little bit. No girlfriend, no
wife, no kids. That's a great
resume..., for a 21 year old.
Polite LAUGHTER.
PETE
I, like others, have to accept that
we don't look like we did thirty
years ago, or fifteen even.
Pete eyes Stacey.
Stacey looks away.
PETE
Sometimes we fantasize about a time
where we felt and looked better.
But this is it.... I don't know
about you, but I'm not rich.
Pete eyes Theodore, then back to the audience.
68.
PETE
I no longer have a six pack, I have
this convenient and easy to carry
one pack here.
Polite LAUGHTER.
PETE
No amount of working out is going
to bring me back to 1977. I can't
disguise that.
But hopefully with
age brings wisdom. I know I've
hurt some of you in the past. I
was a kid. Kids do stupid things
like that. And I apologize if I
did that to you.
The alumni CLAP.
PETE
But I'm sure the committee did not
invite me here to bore you with my
senseless ramblings. Let's talk
about some of the many achievements
of our fellow Lincoln alumni. From
having babies to running billion
dollar ".com" companies.
The alumni CLAP louder.
INT. HOTEL -- BANQUET ROOM LOBBY -- LATER
Pete stands alone in the banquet lobby when Maria appears
behind him.
MARIA
That was quite brave of you.
Excuse me?
PETE
MARIA
The intro to your speech?
quite brave.
It was
PETE
I had a moment of weakness. Not
sure if that was brave or stupid.
Maria shrugs.
PETE
What's your name?
69.
MARIA
Maria.... Weird fat talkative
girl, Maria?
PETE
Oh, great. Jodie's friend, right?
She sent you to finish me off?
Pete I --
MARIA
PETE
Well, I'm kind of up to here with
the bodyguard threats and people
talking shit to me tonight.
MARIA
I'm not here to finish you off.
came to applaud you. Look, I'd
better go.
I
PETE
Hey. Hey, I'm sorry. I'm a little
sensitive tonight. Please. Thanks
for coming over.
MARIA
You're welcome.... Sounds like
you've had a rough night.
PETE
I've had better.... If anybody
should be on me, it should be you.
What's your story? You a Nun?
No.
MARIA
Not a nun.
PETE
I can't believe Jodie's still mad
at me after thirty years.
MARIA
Sometimes events like these open up
old wounds. Thirty years might
feel like ten minutes to her.
Lucky me.
PETE
70.
MARIA
Jodie had a rough childhood, Pete.
Her father criticized everything
she did. Constantly told her how
ugly she was. Then -PETE
-- Then I come along and add to it.
Maria nods.
PETE
Did they ever reconcile?
MARIA
He died twelve years ago. I
remember her telling me how he
never apologized. We lost contact
shortly after that.
Pete shakes his head, saddened.
PETE
She's a tough woman.
MARIA
She is, but those tough layers can
be peeled away.... If you don't
mind me asking, what happened with
you? The way you played... we
thought we'd see you on television.
Pete contemplates, then shrugs.
FLASHBACK -- EXT. COLLEGE -- FOOTBALL FIELD -- DAY
Pete stands in the middle of a football field. He's
surrounded by BEAUTIFUL WOMEN, PRESS, and FANS.
PETE (V.O.)
Cockiness. I went to college.
Played more football. Had a good
time.
EXT. COLLEGE -- FOOTBALL FIELD -- DAY
Pete sprints from a huge defensive player when, SMASH,
another player hits him low. He's flipped over.
PETE (V.O.)
One day things changed.
71.
EXT. COLLEGE -- FOOTBALL FIELD -- DAY
Pete is pushed off the field on a gurney.
INT. HOSPITAL -- PATIENT ROOM -- DAY
Pete lays in a hospital bed.
to his toes.
A cast extends from his thigh
INT. GYM -- DAY
Pete rehabilitates on a tread machine.
He's in pain.
PETE (V.O.)
Things that were easy became hard.
EXT. COLLEGE FOOTBALL FIELD -- DAY
A COACH sends a QUARTERBACK into the game.
from the bench.
Pete looks on,
PETE (V.O.)
Opportunities skipped over me.
EXT. COLLEGE -- FOOTBALL FIELD -- DAY
Pete stands on the field. He ages. The crowd surrounding
him moves at high speed. The crowd of beautiful women, press
and fans around Pete dwindles to zero.
PETE (V.O.)
Time sped up, nobody told me.
END FLASHBACK
PETE
That's how it is sometimes.
JODIE (O.S.)
(cries)
Is that supposed to make us feel
sorry for you?
Pete and Maria turn.
Jodie stops her cry.
Jodie, Stacey and Theodore stand near.
JODIE
Because it doesn't.
The trio crawls off. Theodore places his arm around Stacey.
He grins at Pete. Stacey glances at Pete, sympathetically.
PETE
Let the hostages go, Jodie!
72.
Jodie turns halfway, still walking.
JODIE
No! I think I'll hang on to them a
little longer.
She turns.
PETE
(to Maria)
Like I said, tough.
MARIA
Yeah.... Pete, you should come to
one of my group sessions.
PETE
Group sessions?
MARIA
We talk about things. Things that
help us get through life.
PETE
Oh. Group sessions.
people.
For crazy
MARIA
It's not for crazy people. I mean,
our percentage is no higher than
the general population.
PETE
Of course you're not biased.
MARIA
Maybe a little.
The two smile.
MARIA
It's just a bunch of us working to
be better people. Bringing baggage
to the surface. Letting go. It's
the least you could do, you're like
a founder.
What?
PETE
MARIA
Yeah. Formed it to piece my self
esteem back together after college.
I ran into one too many Peter's.
73.
Okay.
PETE
That's disturbing.
MARIA
All kidding aside, we all need help
sometimes. Here.
(hands card)
Just in case you change your mind.
PETE
I'll give it some thought.
MARIA
Some thought? You've already
thought about it, Pete.
EXT. PETE'S HOUSE -- DAY
Pete drives up. Agnes, Gertrude, and Betty garden. They see
Pete. The ladies beeline toward him. Pete ignores them. He
races toward his house door.
AGNES
Now you hold up there, Mr. Daniels.
Pete halts in his tracks.
face the music.
Busted!
He slowly turns around to
PETE
Yes, Ladies.
AGNES
You owe us an apology.
Yeah!
BETTY/GERTRUDE
PETE
An apology? For what?
GERTRUDE
You slammed the door in our faces
last week, you moron. Are you on
drugs?
PETE
Oh. Ladies I'm sorry. I was
having the day from hell. Can we
just hug and make up?
BETTY
You must think we're easy.
74.
AGNES/GERTRUDE
We are easy!
They group hug.
AGNES
So are we still on for tonight?
Yeah.
PETE
I think we can do it.
GERTRUDE
It's strip poker night, isn't it?
No.
PETE
Video game night.
BETTY
Video game night was last time.
It's definitely strip poker night.
GERTRUDE
Can you handle it, handsome?
PETE
Sure. Bring it on....
Gertrude?
And
GERTRUDE
Yes, pretty boy.
PETE
Leave your little g-string at home
this time.
GERTRUDE
Sorry. I don't own any granny
panties. You know that.
The ladies parade back across the street.
GERTRUDE
See you later.
AGNES
(to Gertrude)
What was all that? I thought he
wasn't your boyfriend.
GERTRUDE
I never said that!
75.
INT. GYM -- NIGHT
The energy in the gym is high. Stacey and Barbara stretch.
A high impact class has already started.
STACEY
Oh, no way. Never again will I let
you talk me into a blind date.
Remember that last catastrophe?
BARBARA
You know you might be cute, but
you're no spring chicken.
STACEY
Winter chicken, fall chicken, I
don't care. If losers are my
choices, I'll keep all my feathers
to myself.
BARBARA
Okay, okay, you got me. I'm sorry.
I'll be more attentive next time.
STACEY
Barbara. There will be no next
time. I've Donald Trumped you.
What?!
BARBARA
STACEY
You're fired!
BARBARA
Whatever.... So what are you going
to do, stitch it up?
STACEY
Very funny.
BARBARA
Whatever happened to that one guy?
What guy?
STACEY
BARBARA
The one that's been chasing you
since High School?
STACEY
Still a pig. He added liar to his
resume.
(MORE)
76.
STACEY (CONT'D)
When he was a teenager I told him
to call me when he matured and
became a one woman man. I meant a
one woman type of man not a no
woman type of man.
BARBARA
So what happened?
STACEY
I gave him a chance.
Barbara hands beckons her for more information.
STACEY
He sends me this picture from when
he was like, I don't know, ten?
Not even close to what he looks
like. I got mad.
And?
And what?
That's it?
That's it.
BARBARA
STACEY
That's it.
BARBARA
STACEY
BARBARA
You're hard on people. If he knows
you like I know you he was probably
scared to send you any picture.
STACEY
I am not that hard to please.
BARBARA
Yeah, in your dreams maybe. I know
this is not what you want to hear
from me, but... I'm sorry.
STACEY
(beat)
No. You're right. I might have
went a tad overboard with how I
dealt with it. I don't know.
BARBARA
You told me he used to be a bully.
Is he now?
77.
No.
STACEY
BARBARA
You told me he was this hunk of man
when he was a kid, and now I guess
he's not. So he has an ego. Join
the club. Is he more mature?
STACEY
Seems like he is.
SERIES OF SHOTS
A) PETE'S HOUSE -- LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT
Pete, Gertrude, Agnes and Betty drink. They play strip poker.
Pete loses. Badly. He has to strip.
B) LATER
Pete, drunk and in underwear, performs a horrible stripper
routine. The ladies, fully dressed, wildly cheer him on.
C) LATER
Pete, passed out on his couch, is on his stomach. The ladies
giggle as Agnes draws a happy face on his back with lipstick.
INT. PETE'S HOUSE -- LIVING ROOM -- MORNING
Pete wakes up to the sound of a FEMALE REPORTER on his
television set.
FEMALE REPORTER (ON TV)
In a poll of 10,000 females it has
been discovered that women are
attracted to men who love babies.
Puppies came in at number two. And
men in expensive cars? Sorry guys,
that came in dead last by a wide
margin. So men, leave your Porsche
at home.
Pete gets up, stumbles toward his bedroom. He passes his
full body mirror, eases back to it. Surprise! Stripped down
to his underwear. He turns around, discovers the happy face.
Oh!
PETE
78.
INT. PETE'S HOUSE -- BATHROOM -- MOMENTS LATER
Pete reaches for the smiley face, towel in hand. Can't reach
it. Reaches again. No luck. He twirls like a dog chasing
his tail.
INT. PETE'S HOUSE -- BATHROOM -- SHOWER -- MOMENTS LATER
Pete takes a shower.
Babies?
a...
PETE
I don't know anybody with
Pete suddenly stops.
INT PETE'S HOUSE -- BATHROOM -- MOMENTS LATER
Pete dries off. The smiley face is smeared, but still on his
back. He dresses.
EXT. CONNOR HOME -- LATER
Pete scurries to the home of EMILY and JAMES CONNORS, mid
30's. He RINGS the doorbell. Emily answers with one year
old BRANDON in her arms.
Hey, Pete!
EMILY
How are you?
PETE
Hey, Emily, little one. Just came
over to say hi. Is James in?
EMILY
Yes, he is. Come on in.
INT. CONNOR HOME -- LIVING ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER
Emily leads Pete through a maze of children toys.
on a noisy one.
Wow.
PETE
Does a baby live here?
EMILY
I know, it's just crazy.... James!
(to Pete)
He's taking over the entire house.
James enters.
Pete steps
79.
JAMES
Hey, what's going on?
you by?
What brings
PETE
Oh, nothing. Came to see Brandon.
I haven't seen you guys in awhile.
JAMES
Yeah, we don't get out to see the
sun much anymore. You know, since
the baby and all.
PETE
Man, that so sad.... Hey, wild
idea. Why don't you guys let me
baby sit for you from time to time?
What?!
EMILY
No, we couldn't --
JAMES
Hey, hey, honey.
Let the man talk.
PETE
My nephews survived. And you know
Brandon loves me. You guys could
go to dinner, see a movie.
James salivates.
Emily ponders.
EMILY
Let me think about -PETE
Book a hotel room.
When?!
JAMES
PETE
I'm not doing anything right now.
James sprints from the room.
Pete shrugs.
Emily eyes James, then Pete.
EXT. CONNOR HOME -- LATER
James holds a duffel bag in one hand and drags Emily along
with the other toward their 2000 Ford Windstar. Pete looks
on with Brandon in his arms.
EMILY
He likes his milk slightly warm.
80.
Okay.
PETE
James slings opens the passenger side door, lifts Emily and
places her in the car.
EMILY
His favorite toy is in the dining
room under the chair.
Check.
PETE
James sprints to the driver's side, leaps in, and starts the
engine.
EMILY
Will you be leaving the house?
PETE
No. We'll be here.
baby channel.
Watching the
EMILY
Well, I left the car seat for you
anyway. In case of an emergency.
JAMES
Bye boopie, doopie.
you.
Daddy loves
James speeds out of the driveway.
EMILY
Call me if he gives you any
problems!
Pete nods. He uses his free hand as a pretend phone. The
Connors fade in the distance. Pete focuses on baby Brandon.
PETE
So, you wanna go hang out at the
mall?
Brandon makes baby noises.
PETE
Good answer! Let's go.
EXT. RENT-A-CAR -- LATER
Pete and Brandon drive off in a 2008 Mercedes Benz S class.
A GORGEOUS RENTAL CAR REP waves goodbye. She wears a "that's
adorable" expression.
81.
INT. PET STORE -- LATER
Pete and Brandon eye BABY PUPPIES through a display window.
EXT. PET STORE -- LATER
Two young FEMALE CLERKS stand at the exit. They giggle
flirtatiously and wave goodbye to the adorable trio.
INT. SHOPPING MALL -- LATER
With the puppy in a pouch and Brandon in his free arm, Pete
strolls the mall. Female heads swing toward them. An
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN, mid 30's, stops Pete near the mall theatre.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN
Ahhh, they are so cute. Is this
your baby?
PETE
No. No, I'm actually baby-sitting
for my neighbors.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN
(seductively)
Really?
The Attractive Woman makes eyes at the baby, then the puppy,
then the baby. A crowd of women gathers, grows.
Pete is timid, shy. Initially.
so does his confidence.
However, as the crowd grows
Attractive Woman stares at Pete. It's lustful, untamed. She
pops two buttons on her blouse. Pete notices.
He prepares
to strike when the Connors stomp into the crowd.
EMILY
(to James)
I told you that was him!
Emily?!
PETE
EMILY
Don't you Emily me.
doing here?!
Emily grabs Brandon.
What are you
Attractive Woman's mouth drops.
PETE
I was just --
82.
EMILY
(surveys area)
Is this your idea of an emergency?
Emily storms off with Brandon.
James whispers.
She leaves James behind.
JAMES
Which one drew most of the crowd?
The baby.
I knew it!
James!
PETE
Definitely the baby.
JAMES
EMILY (O.S.)
James balls up his fist.
He fakes anger.
JAMES
I ought to punch your lights out,
Pete!
James winks at Pete. He exits. The crowd of women quickly
subsides, twenty, twelve, one. It's Attractive Woman.
PETE
You like little dogs?
Attractive Woman snaps out of her trance and re-buttons her
blouse.
Not today.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN
INT. PET STORE -- LATER
Pete is solemn. He hands the puppy back to the Female
Clerks. They stare at him blankly.
INT. RENT-A-CAR -- LATER
Pete hands car keys to the Gorgeous Rental Car Rep. His
cheesy smile has no effect on attracting her attention.
The rep is all business, no smiles.
finalized bill. Hands it to Pete.
She tears off a
EXT. PETE'S '77 PLYMOUTH FURY -- LATER
Pete stares at his old beater with disgust.
He kicks it.
83.
PETE
(to car)
You suck.
The front bumper falls off.
Great.
PETE
EXT. PETE'S '77 PLYMOUTH FURY -- MOMENTS LATER
Pete ties down the trunk of his car with the fender inside.
INT. '77 PLYMOUTH FURY -- LATER
Pete is annoyed as he drives the busy city streets.
He glances at his dashboard. The car sputters. The warning
lights flash. His car swallows the last drops of gas.
Argh!
PETE
INT./EXT PETE'S '77 PLYMOUTH FURY -- MOMENTS LATER
Pete coasts into an alley as his car stalls to a halt. He
exits the car, kicks it again. The rear bumper falls off.
EXT. ALLEY -- DAY -- MOMENTS LATER
Pete trudges the littered and grimy alley, gas can in hand.
Twenty feet from him, a HOMELESS MAN tosses a deflated
football in the air. He runs to catch it in midair.
The homeless man repeats the action.
catch. Pete sneaks past him.
He celebrates on each
HOMELESS MAN
You have any spare change, Sir?
No.
No.
PETE
Not today, sorry.
HOMELESS MAN
Is that your car?
PETE
What? That piece of junk?
That's mine.
HOMELESS MAN
She's sure is a beauty.
her.
Yeah.
Wish I had
84.
Pete shrugs and moves on. The Homeless Man starts his
routine again. He catches the football.
HOMELESS MAN
And the Cougars win. The Cougars
win!
Pete stops, turns around.
PETE
What did you say?
HOMELESS MAN
The Cougars win! The Cougars win!
Cougars.
Yep.
PETE
Lincoln High Cougars?
HOMELESS MAN
PETE
You went to Lincoln High?
HOMELESS MAN
Graduated in '78.
Pete studies the homeless man.
Pete's eyes light up.
PETE
Chad?! Is your name Chad? I'm
Pete. I played football with you,
'77.
Chad recognizes Pete, smiles. A sadness behind it.
reaches out to shake Chad's hand.
Pete
MONTAGE -- PETE AND CHAD BOND
-- ALLEY -- Pete and Chad stand.
Talk.
-- ALLEY -- Pete and Chad sit on crates.
Talk.
-- ALLEY -- Pete throws the deflated football to Chad.
celebrates.
EXT. ALLEY -- DAY
They stroll toward Pete's car.
CHAD
That is too funny. I'm sorry, I
know I shouldn't be laughing.
Chad
85.
PETE
Be my guest.
CHAD
(beat)
There's someone out there for you,
man. But you gotta open your eyes
wider.
PETE
My eyes are wide.
CHAD
Wider, Pete. Wider!
there.
She's right
Chad nod gestures toward Pete's car.
Okay.
Pete scans the area.
PETE
CHAD
You don't see her?
Um.
PETE
Yeah, yeah I do!
CHAD
Don't patronize me, Pete.
don't see her.
Uh, no.
You
PETE
CHAD
You gotta see beauty in everything,
man. Look deeper, open your eyes
wider. She might need a fender, or
a good painting, but she's right
there. Right in front of you.
Pete studies Chad and nods.
PETE
You give pretty solid advice....
So what -CHAD
-- So what happened to me?
Chad shakes his head, shrugs.
CHAD
I only give solid advice.
86.
Both men enjoy a laugh.
Pete frowns, oddly.
PETE
You think I could borrow a couple
of dollars for some gas?
CHAD
A couple of dollars?!
Chad hesitates. He reaches in his pocket, pulls out a wad of
cash. Hands Pete a five.
Here.
nice.
CHAD
Treat your girl to something
DREAM -- INT. STACEY'S APARTMENT -- EVENING
Stacey's hair is wrapped in a large towel.
lays on her couch, channel surfs.
She comfortably
She eats ice cream. Wiggles her freshly painted toenails.
She stumbles onto a dating service commercial. A COUPLE
interviewed by an off screen interviewer.
WOMAN ONE (ON TV)
We're such a perfect, perfect
couple. I was so lucky to have
found him. Who knows, I might be
sitting back on a couch somewhere
painting my toenails and eating ice
cream if it weren't for your
wonderful service.
Woman one points to Stacey from the television set.
Like her!
WOMAN ONE
END DREAM
INT. STACEY'S APARTMENT -- LIVING ROOM -- EVENING
Stacey SCREAMS as she awakens from the couch. She scans
herself. She discovers that she does have a towel on her
head, painted toenails and an empty nearby ice cream bowl.
Stacey reacts to the bowl. She leaps up and beelines toward
a nearby trash can. She pulls a ripped picture of Pete out
of the trash can. She heads to a nearby computer. Types.
87.
INT. PETE'S HOUSE -- BEDROOM -- NIGHT
Pete lays on his side in bed.
behind him.
He speaks to someone, hidden,
PETE
The guy made sense. Who would've
thought the best advice I've ever
gotten would come from a homeless
schoolmate. We should've been
together a long time ago, you've
always been there for me.
Suddenly, Gertrude sits up in bed.
GERTRUDE
Together! Who said anything about
us being together?
Gertrude leaps out of bed. She wears g-string underwear.
She grabs a pair of padded underwear and heads to the
bathroom. Pete looks on shocked, silent.
GERTRUDE (O.S.)
Look, pretty boy. I'm not looking
for any long term stuff. Just a
little fun.
Gertrude exits the bathroom.
around the padded underwear.
squeezes them on.
The g-string fits snuggly
She grabs a pair of jeans and
GERTRUDE
Besides, you talk too much for me.
I like the handsome silent type.
Gertrude puts her last piece of clothes on, adjust her
buttocks and heads for the exit. She turns toward Pete.
She exits.
Pete shakes his head.
GERTRUDE
Next time I'm on top.
broke my back.
Gertrude reenters.
You almost
EXT. GOLF COURSE -- DAY
Pete tees up a golf ball.
Brian stares at him in disgust.
BRIAN
Are you nuts?! Chad says keep your
freakin' eyes open and now you're
dating out of retirement homes?!
88.
So what.
PETE
At least I have a woman.
BRIAN
Oh, you better not. All I ever got
out of dating and marriage is
grief, divided up assets, or both.
PETE
So being alone works for you.
doesn't work for me anymore.
It
BRIAN
Grave robber.
Pete swings wildly at the golf ball.
Pete misses over and over again.
Brian sneers at him.
PETE
Are we playing golf or are you
gonna continue beating me up about
my love life?
BRIAN
There are other fish in the sea.
Fresh fish.
PETE
Crap talk, or golf?
BRIAN
Golf.... Your swing looks like
shit. Pretend it's a baseball.
told you that before.
PETE
Yeah, yeah, I forgot.
Think baseball.
I
Baseball.
WHACK! The ball sails wildly into GOLFERS in front of them.
The ball rolls into the water.
BRIAN
You're supposed to say fore!
PETE
Pros don't say fore.
BRIAN
Stupid. For one, they do say fore.
And for two, you're not a pro.
89.
PETE
I beat you out of five bucks last
week.
Yeah.
BRIAN
So what.
PETE
That makes me a pro.
Pete tees up, swings again. Connects. Golfers duck. A
struck golfer is dragged to safety. An angry mob forms.
They run toward Pete and Brian, golf clubs raised.
Uh, oh.
PETE/BRIAN
Pete and Brian grab their equipment. They run. The mob
closes in. Pete's phone RINGS. He checks it, answers it.
PETE
(panting)
Stacey?! How are you?
EXT. RESTAURANT -- PATIO -- SAME
A WAITER pours Stacey a glass of water.
table, frowns. Linda is amused.
Jodie sits at the
STACEY
Did I catch you at a bad time?
INTERCUT PETE AND STACEY :
Pete throws his equipment in the car trunk.
No. No.
golfing.
The mob is near.
PETE
Brian and I are just...
Pete and Brian SLAM the car doors shut, the angry mob on
them. The mob BANGS on the car with clubs. Pete SCREECHES
off as the mob sprints after the car.
STACEY
I didn't know golf was so
strenuous.
PETE
Yeah. Walking, putting the ball on
the tee, swinging. Pretty aerobic.
90.
STACEY
Oh, okay. Well, I was just calling
to... apologize to you about the
reunion. I was just -PETE
I know, I know, Stacey. I should
be apologizing to you. I just got
nervous. I wanted you to see the
old Pete not the new one.
STACEY
Well, the new Pete seems to be
maturing quite nicely. You want to
try dinner some day?
PETE
I'd like that. How about tomorrow?
Brian eyes Pete, shocked.
Pete grins widely.
STACEY
Tomorrow's perfect.
PETE
So. I'll call you later with a
time and place.
Sure.
STACEY
PETE
I'll talk to you soon then.
Pete hangs up.
Celebrates.
PETE
Yes, yes, yes!
Brian looks on with slight amusement.
BRIAN
So you gonna break up with Grandma
now?
Pete's celebration slows to a halt.
EXT. GERTRUDE'S HOUSE -- LATER
Gertrude, Agnes and Betty talk near a flower bed.
gardens.
Gertrude
91.
EXT. PETE'S HOUSE -- MOMENTS LATER
Pete and Brian drive up to Pete's front curve.
Gertrude and her troops.
They see
BRIAN
Go get her, tiger.
Brian makes a cat like noise and imitates cat fight claws.
Pete eyeballs Brian. They exit the car.
EXT. GERTRUDE'S HOUSE -- MOMENTS LATER
Betty and Agnes see Pete heading toward them. They alert
Gertrude. Betty and Agnes snicker. Gertrude, serious,
stands.
PETE
Hey, Gertrude. You have a minute?
Gertrude makes eyes at the ladies.
She steps toward Pete.
PETE
Gertrude I've been meaning to talk
to you about last -GERTRUDE
-- Pete. I'm sorry. I actually
needed to talk to you too.... I
don't think we're gonna work out,
pretty boy.
Pete's eyes widen.
GERTRUDE
Now hold on. Don't start getting
all teary eyed on me. If it means
anything to you, I still think
you're a hunk of a man, but I like
my men a little more...
Gangster?
PETE
Gertrude shakes her head and shrugs.
GERTRUDE
You're a little too much on my...
Jock?
PETE
GERTRUDE
You're learning, pretty boy.
92.
Gertrude hits him playfully in the jaw.
GERTRUDE
You'll find what you're looking
for. Keep searching.
Okay.
PETE
Pete glances across the street toward Brian.
PETE
I'm gonna go now.
Gertrude nods.
Pete exits.
EXT. PETE'S HOUSE -- DAY
Brian gives Pete a thumbs up.
Pete stumbles as he crosses.
BRIAN
How'd she take it?
Well.
PETE
Pretty well.
EXT. RESTAURANT -- PATIO -- DAY
Stacey, Jodie and Linda are in a heated discussion.
JODIE
I still can't believe it.
STACEY
Why? I've known him forever. I
know the good the bad and the ugly.
JODIE
Well, I know the bad and the
really, really ugly.
LINDA
Guys come on. I never thought I'd
see you two fighting over a man.
JODIE
Pete is not a man.
LINDA
Jodie stop it.
JODIE
The guy is a piece of --
93.
LINDA
-- Jodie you're holding on to some
serious anger. Am I missing
something?
JODIE
I'm not angry.
LINDA/STACEY
Yeah.
JODIE
I'm not angry.... Whatever. When
he turns into a pumpkin in the
middle of your date don't say I
didn't warn you.... I'll be back,
I have something in my eye.
LINDA
You want me to come with you?
No.
No,
JODIE
I'll be fine.
Jodie leaps up from the table. She grabs her purse and heads
into the main part of the restaurant.
EXT. RESTAURANT -- BATHROOM -- MOMENTS LATER
Jodie rushes into the bathroom. She's in tears.
to the mirror. Stares at herself.
She steps
A TEENAGE GIRL eases next to the nearby sink. She washes her
hands. The teenage girl is attractive, but underdeveloped in
the breasts area.
TEENAGE GIRL
You okay, Miss?
Yes.
JODIE
Yes, thank you.
TEENAGE GIRL
It's gonna be okay.
What?
JODIE
TEENAGE GIRL
Everything's gonna be okay.
JODIE
You are a dear....
you?
How old are
94.
Seventeen.
TEENAGE GIRL
JODIE
You're beautiful.
just love you.
I bet the boys
TEENAGE GIRL
Not really. They don't even know I
exist.
JODIE
Well, you're beautiful inside and
out. They're gonna notice you.
You just wait and see.
The teenage girl smiles ear to ear. Jodie grabs a paper
towel, bends into the sink, washes her face.
Jodie pats her face dry.
She glances toward the teen.
Jodie reaches in her purse.
group business card.
Gone!
She pulls out Maria's support
INT. PETE'S HOUSE -- BATHROOM -- DAY
Pete washes his hair in the shower.
INT. PETE'S HOUSE -- BATHROOM -- MOMENTS LATER
Pete blow dries his hair in the mirror. His comb-over blows
wildly. He blow dries his hair, stops, blows it again,
stops.
He studies himself.
hand. Sighs.
Grabs the offensive hair with his free
INT. BARBERSHOP -- LATER
Dan, Carl and Ted watch television as they hear the BELL on
the business door.
Hey!
CARL/TED
PETE
Hey, fellows. You got time for a
cut?
DAN
Did you call for an appoint -Carl puts his hand over Dan's mouth.
95.
CARL
Good to see you. Where's your
partner in crime?
PETE
Resting from our golf game earlier.
Pete sits in Carl's barber chair. Carl puts an apron on him,
twirls him around to face the mirror.
Okay.
CARL
The regular?
PETE
No. No regular today. Cut it off.
Cut it all off. Groom the goatee
too.
The barbers eye each other in joyful amazement.
INT. MCDONALD'S - LATER
Pete is second in line behind a LARGE MAN.
up his order.
The CASHIER rings
LARGE MAN
Two Big Macs with extra cheese.
Two large fries, a ten piece
Chicken McNugget and a Diet Coke.
The cashier hands the large man a receipt.
CASHIER
Next, please.
Pete stares at the large man, then the menu board.
CASHIER
Sir, can I help you?
Yes.
Sir?
PETE
I'll take one of your salads.
EXT. SHOPPING AREA -- LATER
Pete window shops outside of various clothing stores. Pete
tries on different styles of clothes, not suited for him, as
commission hungry SALESWOMEN cheer him on.
INT. MEN'S CLOTHING STORE -- LATER
Pete, now in a nice new suit, shirt, and tie, stands in a
mirror. A TAILOR measures him.
96.
EXT. PETE'S MOTHER'S HOUSE -- LATER
Pete exits his car.
the porch.
Pete's mother and brother Frank sit on
MS. DANIELS
Well, what do we have here?
FRANK
You look like Shrek in a business
suit.
Ms. Daniels and Frank burst into laughter.
MS. DANIELS
Honey what have you done to
yourself?
PETE
Mom.... I was just trying
something different.
FRANK
It's different all right.
The two laugh even louder.
Pete steps closer to them.
PETE
You know, I understand the haircut.
It is different for me. It'll take
gettin' used to. But this is an
Armani. A fucking Armani! You two
couldn't find one good thing to say
about the damn suit!
FRANK
Don't you go mouthing off to Mom.
PETE
You don't like my new look, fine.
I do.... And you? I'm 48 so you
gotta be... 44?! A 44 year old man
living at home with his mother. I
don't care what you think?
Pete storms back to his car.
Pete!
FRANK
Pete sighs and turns around.
FRANK
I'm only 43!
Frank stands.
97.
INT. STACEY'S APARTMENT -- LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT
Stacey runs to a RINGING phone.
Hello?
STACEY
INT. LUXURY JET -- SAME
Theodore sits in a plush seat on his private jet.
THEODORE
Stacey! Hi, it's Theodore. I've
been meaning to call you since the
reunion.
INTERCUT STACEY AND THEODORE:
Hi, Ted.
STACEY
Nice to hear your voice.
THEODORE
Listen. I had such a great time on
our fake date. I was hoping to
convince you to go on a real one
with me.
STACEY
A real one?
THEODORE
I leave for France tomorrow. You
interested in coming? You have
some vacation time?
STACEY
Oh, yes! I mean, uhh. Oh, Ted
that sounds great, but I have plans
with Pete tomorrow.
Who?
THEODORE
STACEY
Pete Daniels.
THEODORE
Oh. Pete. The window washer?
okay. Dinner?
Yeah.
STACEY
Oh,
98.
THEODORE
Where?
STACEY
The Purple Lobster.
THEODORE
The Purple Lobster? Hmph. I
didn't know lobsters came in
purple.
STACEY
Apparently they do.
found them.
And we have
THEODORE
Well, maybe next time. Hey, have
Pete call me. I can get you guys
into Spago.
STACEY
Spago?
Sure.
THEODORE
Simple call to Wolfgang.
Stacey fake pounds the phone to her head.
STACEY
Thank you, Ted. I'll let him know.
INT. STACEY'S APARTMENT -- BEDROOM -- MORNING
Stacey wakes up to her alarm. Groggy, her eyes focus. A
mouse! He defiantly sits on top of her alarm clock, stares.
Stacey SCREAMS, throws a pillow.
Oh, God.
The mouse scurries off.
STACEY
She heads to the bathroom annoyed, shaken.
INT. STACEY'S APARTMENT -- BATHROOM -- MOMENTS LATER
Stacey flushes the toilet.
The toilet floods.
INT. STACEY'S APARTMENT -- LIVING ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER
Stacey paces.
She's on the phone.
STACEY
The bathroom.
99.
BARBARA (V.O.)
That's terrible! Is it bad?
STACEY
Yes. I'm waiting for maintenance.
BARBARA (V.O.)
Are you going to make it in today?
STACEY
No. I'm going to use a few
vacation days.
BARBARA (V.O.)
You poor dear.
STACEY
Barbara.... Ted asked me to go to
France with him.
BARBARA (V.O.)
You're kidding.
No.
STACEY
No, I'm not kidding.
BARBARA (V.O)
Are you guys an item?
STACEY
Yes. No. I don't know.
give it a try.
I need to
BARBARA (V.O.)
Do you love him?
STACEY
I like him, Barbara.
Oh.
BARBARA (V.O.)
STACEY
Barbara. Listen. I have rats in
my apartment. Rats. I'm not
supposed to be living like this.
I'm not supposed to be battling
rats.
BARBARA (V.O.)
I understand, Stacey. I hope it
works for you.
100.
STACEY
I'll talk to you later, okay?
Okay.
Stacey hangs up.
BARBARA (V.O.)
Contemplates.
She dials the phone.
STACEY
Ted. This is Stacey. I thought
about your offer for France. If
it's still on the table, I'd really
like to go. Call me back. I'm at
home. Bye, bye.
Stacey is solemn.
She sighs, dials the phone again.
INT. PETE'S HOUSE -- LIVING ROOM -- DAY
Pete, dressed for work, sulks, head down, on an end table.
Pete presses rewind on his answering machine repeatedly.
STACEY'S VOICE
I'm not going to make our -Presses rewind.
STACEY'S VOICE
I'm not going to make our -Presses rewind.
STACEY'S VOICE
I'm not going to make our -A loud KNOCK is heard at the front door.
Pete!
BRIAN (O.S.)
Open the door, man.
PETE
(whispers)
Go away.
A window opens. Brian, also dressed for work, squeezes
through. Brian CRASHES to the floor. Pete is still.
BRIAN
Ow! If you haven't killed
yourself, I'm gonna kill you.
Brian stands.
He eases toward Pete.
Pete presses rewind.
101.
STACEY'S VOICE
Pete. I'm so sorry. Something
came up. I'm not going to make our
date tonight. I just... I don't
know.... I'm sorry.
BRIAN
Damn, Pete.... If things are that
hard, they're not meant to be.
PETE
I just wanted a chance.
chance. That's all.
A lousy
Pete leaps up.
PETE
I'm gonna talk to her in person.
Where are my keys?
Brian snatches Pete's jacket, removes his keys and a business
card. He studies the card. It's Maria's support group.
Let it go.
BRIAN
Let her go.
Pete sits.
PETE
Love wasn't meant for people like
me.
BRIAN
Don't say that. That's not true.
PETE
All of this apologizing to people,
trying to change. It doesn't work.
BRIAN
It does work, Pete.
Whatever.
PETE
BRIAN
You just need a little extra help.
Brian hands Pete the card.
INT. OFFICE BUILDING -- MEETING ROOM -- NIGHT
Support group members converse in the halls.
seats in the meeting room.
Others grab
102.
EXT. OFFICE BUILDING -- PARKING LOT -- SAME
The building is modest, older. Late, Pete hurries. He sees
a shadow hurrying parallel to him. The two converge at the
building stairs. It's Jodie!
JODIE
Oh, brother.
PETE
Hey, Jodie.
JODIE
What are you doing here?
PETE
Nice to see you too.
JODIE
Cut the crap, Pete.
PETE
I have a meeting. A meeting with
Maria. You remember Maria, right?
JODIE
Oh, God no. That's not gonna work
for me.
Pete shakes his head, confused.
PETE
What's not gonna work?
JODIE
The two of us in the same space at
the same time. The two of us on
the same planet.
PETE
Oh. You're going to the same
meeting.
JODIE
You're a fast one, aren't you?
PETE
Well, this is awkward.... Can we
just let bygones be bygones?
JODIE
Let's keep our bygones separate.
103.
PETE
So what do we -JODIE
-- Whoever gets to the meeting
first gets to stay.
Jodie.
PETE
That's just childish.
Pete studies Jodie for a moment, then sprints up the stairs
to the glass office entrance. Jodie follows, but breaks her
heel as she climbs the stairs. Pete laughs.
Pete tugs at the entrance door. Locked!
disappears. Pete bolts to another door.
the stairs on one shoe.
His laugh
Jodie hobbles up
Pete yanks on a nearby door. Locked! He BANGS on it. Jodie
reaches the front entrance glass door. She punches in a
code.
Pete sees her.
Sprints toward her. Too late! Jodie enters
the glass door and SLAMS it shut. Jodie mocks him. She
hobbles to the elevator.
Pete hears a door open. A MAN beckons him toward the door he
previously banged on. Pete sprints toward him. He pats the
man as he whizzes past him.
INT. OFFICE BUILDING -- LOBBY -- MOMENTS LATER
Jodie nervously waits for the elevator.
a nearby door.
Aha!
Pete CRASHES through
PETE
The elevator opens.
INT. OFFICE BUILDING -- ELEVATOR -- SAME
Jodie hops in as Pete draws closer. She POUNDS the close
button, but in a panic presses open. The elevator reopens.
Jodie presses close once more. The doors close as Pete SLAMS
against them. Jodie winces, then breaks into a smile. She
presses floor five.
INT. OFFICE BUILDING -- LOBBY -- SAME
Pete lies on the ground in pain.
the office stairs.
He gets up and hobbles to
104.
INT. OFFICE BUILDING - STAIRS
Pete darts up the stairs.
INT. OFFICE BUILDING -- ELEVATOR
Jodie grins from ear to ear. The elevator stops at floor
two. A JANITOR drags in a pail of water and a mop. Jodie's
smile fades a little.
INT. OFFICE BUILDING -- STAIRS
Pete sweats, pants. He passes floor two.
ascent has decreased.
The speed of his
INT. OFFICE BUILDING -- ELEVATOR
The elevator stops at floor three. Jodie's smile fades
completely as an ELDERLY WOMAN with a walker slowly creeps
into the elevator.
Jodie's mouth drops.
She catches herself.
The elderly woman presses the fourth floor.
INT. OFFICE BUILDING -- STAIRS
Pete passes the fourth floor. He clings to the rail as he
painfully crawls up the stairs.
INT. OFFICE BUILDING -- ELEVATOR
The elderly woman crawls out of the elevator.
door clears, Jodie POUNDS the close button.
As soon as the
The janitor observes Jodie, oddly.
INT. OFFICE BUILDING -- HALLWAY
Jodie leaps out of the elevator. She frantically searches
for the meeting room. Surprise! Pete CRASHES through a door
down the hall. The two eyeball each other. Pete musters up
energy and sprints toward Jodie. He cramps, but keeps going.
Jodie sees the meeting room number on the hallway wall and
sprints toward Pete.
The two come closer and closer when, suddenly, they both
squeeze into the open meeting room door.
The two fail to enter the room, now stuck side by side in the
door opening.
105.
INT. OFFICE BUILDING -- MEETING ROOM
The group members, assembled in a circle, stare, mouths open.
PETE
So what are we gonna do?
Jodie makes another attempt to get through. No luck. She
relaxes. Pete steps backwards and extends a gentleman's hand
for Jodie to enter.
Jodie enters. Pete follows. Embarrassed, the two creep to
two chairs that are side by side.
PETE
Sorry, everyone.
MARIA
That's okay. We've barely started.
We can start over. Can we start
over, guys?
Yes.
MEMBERS
INT. OFFICE BUILDING -- MEETING ROOM -- LATER
The members talk and smile as they leave the meeting. Jodie
gazes at Pete from a distance. Pete takes in Jodie. They
give slight smiles.
INT. OFFICE BUILDING -- ELEVATOR
Jodie waits for the elevator.
PETE (O.S.)
I'm sorry, Jodie.
Jodie turns.
PETE
I didn't think words were that
hurtful.... I was wrong.
Pete comes closer.
PETE
From the bottom of my heart, I'm
sorry.
Jodie nods.
The elevator arrives.
PETE
I'll take the stairs.
106.
Pete turns away.
JODIE (O.S.)
Don't take the stairs.
Pete turns back.
JODIE
There's room in here for you.
EXT. OFFICE BUILDING -- PARKING LOT -- NIGHT
Jodie rushes to her car, reaches it.
Oh, no!
Looks down.
Flat tire.
JODIE
Pete sees her.
PETE
Jodie, you okay?
JODIE
I have a flat.
PETE
You have AAA?
JODIE
It's expired. I only need it when
I don't pay the bill.
Pete steps up.
Rolls up his sleeves.
PETE
Where's your wheel?
EXT. OFFICE BUILDING -- PARKING LOT -- MOMENTS LATER
Pete lowers the Jack on Jodie's car.
PETE
You're good to go.
JODIE
Thank you.... Can I offer you
something?
PETE
No. Not at all.
here to help.
JODIE
Thanks again.
I'm glad I was
107.
Pause.
PETE
You know, Jodie.
You can...
Jodie eyes Pete.
PETE
offer me something. A
conversation. I want to put things
to bed. Everything. Can we talk
over lunch tomorrow?
JODIE
(beat)
Um.
I can't....
Pete is shocked.
JODIE
Tomorrow I can't. I volunteer at a
mission. I help feed the homeless.
PETE
Okay. Maybe another time.
talk to you later.
Pete turns.
I'll
Hides disappointment.
JODIE
Would you like to come?
Pete turns.
Smiles.
INT. MISSION -- MESS HALL -- DAY
HOMELESS PEOPLE eat as MISSION VOLUNTEERS parade the aisles.
Pete and Jodie walk.
JODIE
I started volunteering ten years
ago. I felt compelled to help.
PETE
You're amazing.
Pete!
CHAD
Pete scans the room.
CHAD
Over here, man.
here?
What are you doing
108.
Chad!
PETE
Hey, great to see you again.
CHAD
Hey, Jodie.
Hi, Chad.
JODIE
You remember Pete?
CHAD
Yeah! Pete's awesome. I love this
guy. Take good care of him, Jodie.
JODIE
Oh, we're not dating.
PETE
(overlapping)
We're not dating, Chad.
CHAD
Oh. Well, that's too bad. Jodie's
a great woman, Pete. A great
woman. She takes care of me....
Guys, your eyes.... Are you sure
they're wide open?
Pete and Jodie stare at Chad, then each other.
MONTAGE -- PETE AND JODIE BOND
-- Group meeting -- Jodie eyes Pete from a chair across the
room. Pete catches her. Jodie laughs, Pete smiles. Another
member spies the exchange.
-- At home -- They talk on the phone.
-- At restaurant -- They enjoy lunch together, talk.
-- A beach -- They stroll on the sand near the ocean.
EXT. JODIE' HOUSE -- NIGHT
Pete walks Jodie to her door.
PETE
That was great.
myself.
Me too.
She opens it.
I really enjoyed
JODIE
Pete awkwardly moves in to kiss Jodie.
Jodie kisses him.
109.
PETE
Well, good night.
JODIE
Good night.
Pete turns to leave when, suddenly, Jodie grabs his hand
whips him around and kisses him wildly on the steps.
The kiss continues as the two remove clothes, shuffle into
the house, and SLAM the door.
SUPER: ONE YEAR LATER
EXT. WEDDING GAZEBO -- DAY
At the Gazebo stands Pete, best man, Brian, maid of honor,
Maria and a PRIEST. Brian is bald. Pete's beer gut is gone.
Linda & John and Stacey & Theodore are in attendance. Pete
and Linda exchange smiles. Pete gives a thumbs up to Stacey
and Theodore. Theodore smiles and reciprocates.
Gertrude, Agnes and Betty are fashionably dressed. Gertrude
winks at Pete. Betty leers at her and gives her a playful,
but disapproving finger.
The ladies break into laughter.
Members of Maria's support group are seated by Pete's family,
Phil, Frank, Ms. Daniels, Grandma Daniels, Uncle Jimmy and
various CHILDREN. Phil and Frank have also cut their hair
bald. They both give nods of approval to Pete.
Ms. Daniels mouths words to Pete.
MS. DANIELS
You look nice.
Pete smiles and fights back tears.
He mouths back to her.
PETE
Thank you, Mom.
The audience stands.
Jodie enters and walks down the aisle.
EXT. WEDDING GAZEBO -- MOMENTS LATER
Pete, Jodie and the Priest are at the Gazebo.
is seated.
PRIEST
Does anyone here know a reason why
this man and this woman should not
be joined together?
The audience
110.
Dwight and BOYFRIEND are in the crowd. Dwight slowly raises
his hand. The boyfriend nudges him, slaps his hand down.
PRIEST (O.S.)
If so, speak now or forever hold
your peace.
INT. WEDDING HALL -- LATER
The wedding party and guest dance to Van McCoy's The Hustle.
INT. WEDDING HALL -- LATER
Pete dances with a SMALL CHILD in his arms.
his tuxedo. Stacey interrupts.
Money hangs from
STACEY
(to small child)
Hey, can I cut in?
The child nods.
Pete puts her down.
Stacey slow dances with Pete.
distance from him.
She scampers off.
She keeps a respectful
STACEY
Who would have thought?
PETE
Yeah. Strange world, strange
things.
STACEY
You know, Jodie will rip you to
shreds if you mess up.
PETE
Whew! If anybody knows that, I do.
I've seen the dark side... and I
think that makes me love her more.
STACEY
You guys look great together.
take care of her.
You
PETE
I will. Our relationship started
with therapy, how can we go wrong?
Yeah.
You happy?
STACEY
PETE
111.
STACEY
Yeah. Strange world, strange
things.
Touche.
PETE
Jodie strolls up.
JODIE
That's my Teddy Bear you have.
better watch it.
STACEY
Oh, here's your Teddy Bear.
spoiled brat.
You
You
The ladies exchange laughter. Jodie dances with Pete.
gaze in each others eyes, dysfunctional and content.
FADE OUT
They