beTwixt, beTween & beTWAIN a Mark Twain Musical Comedy
Stories: Mark Twain
Music, Lyrics and Adaptation: Danny Ashkenasi
SELECTIONS
A GENUINE MEXICAN PLUG
SWEEP ME OFF MY FEET
WOMAN:
If you want my love
You're dreaming of my tender touch, my darling
If you want the bliss
Of my sweet kiss so very much
Then you must sweep me off my feet
And take me dancing for seven hours
Sweep me off my feet
It's so entrancing to feel you near
And win me with your charms
Bring a corsage of yellow flowers
Hold me in your arms
And I am yours, my love, my dear
NARRATOR:
I saw the most wild, free, magnificent horsemanship every day in the streets of Carson
City. I had quickly learned to tell a horse from a cow, and was full of anxiety to learn
more. I was resolved to buy a horse.
The auctioneer came scurrying through the plaza on a black beast that had as many
humps and corners on him as a dromedary; but he was
NARRATOR & AUCTIONEER:
"going, going, at twenty-two dollars, gentlemen!"
NARRATOR:
and I could hardly resist.
A man whom I did not know - he turned out to be the auctioneer's brother - noticed the
wistful look in my eye.
MAN:
That is a very remarkable horse to be going at that price. The saddle alone is worth the
money.
NARRATOR:
I have half a notion to bid.
MAN:
You are a stranger, I take it, and so you might think he was an American horse, maybe,
but I assure you he is not. He is, without the shadow of a doubt, a Genuine Mexican
Plug!
NARRATOR:
I did not know what a Genuine Plug was, but there was something about this man's way
of saying it made me swear inwardly that I would own a Genuine Mexican Plug or die.
A GENUINE MEXICAN PLUG
MAN:
That is no run of the mill average horse
That is a Genuine Mexican Plug
You'd like to ride something special of course
You want that Genuine Mexican Plug
What a fine, impressive stallion
What a loyal, true companion
Hear his virile neighing, listen
See his sweaty leather glisten
Look at that snout and that tail and that hide
Look at that sine qua non of a stud
You want a matchless, unparalleled ride
Bid on that Genuine Mexican Plug
NARRATOR:
Has he any other - er, advantages?
MAN:
He can out-buck anything in America!
AUCTIONEER:
Going, going, going - at twenty four dollars and a half, genNARRATOR:
Twenty-seven!
AUCTIONEER:
And sold!
NARRATOR:
I could scarcely contain my exultation. I paid the money, and brought the creature into
the plaza, and certain citizens held him by the head, and others by the tail, while I
mounted him. As soon as they let go, he placed his feet in a bunch together, lowered his
back, then suddenly arched it upward, shooting me straight in to the air a matter of three
or four feet!
Bucking up back and then bucking up front
Bucking with awful equestrian grunts
Bucking up long and then bucking up short
Bucking with angry equestrian snorts
ALL:
See him rearing with his front feet
See him kicking with his back feet
See the rider's limbs a-flutter
See the rider in the gutter
NARRATOR:
Thrown off the saddle and up in the air
Thrown so my body parts fly everywhere
Thrown to the ground with a thunderous thud
Thrown by a Genuine Mexican Plug
BYSTANDER:
(while others laugh) Oh, don't he buck though.
NARRATOR:
I couldn't let this ignominy stand. I remounted the Genuine, got lifted into the air once,
but I sent my spurs home as I descended, and the horse darted away like a telegram.
Jumping and galloping left and then right
Jumping three fences while I held on tight
Jumping four ditches and even a well
Jumping and kicking till I was expelled
ALL:
See him rearing with his front feet
See him kicking with his back feet
See him racing up a side street
See him rushing back down Main Street
NARRATOR:
Smacked through the points of a white picket fence
Smacked off a barn door and making three dents
Smacked till my rump made a bump in the mud
Smacked by a Genuine Mexican Plug
WOMAN (PLUG):
If you're city slick
A little thick between the ears, my darling
You may find your place
Flat on your face in mud, my dear
For I will sweep you off your feet
And introduce the street to your backside
Sweep you off your feet
And let your seat meet the dusty road
I'll wave a fond farewell
To your black eye, your blistered rawhide
Darling, it was swell
But I can tell it's time to go
I sat on a stone with a sigh, one of my hands sought my forehead, and the other my
stomach. I believe I never appreciated, till then, the poverty of the human machinery for I still needed a hand or two to place elsewhere.
BYSTANDER:
Stranger, you've been taken in. Everybody in this camp knows that horse. Any child
could have told you that he'd buck;
OTHER BYSTANDER:
He's the very worst devil to buck on the continent of America.
ANOTHER BYSTANDER:
Why, you turnip, if you had laid low and kept dark, there's chances to buy an American
horse for mighty little more than you paid on that bloody foreign relic.
NARRATOR:
I gave no sign; but I made up my mind that if the auctioneer's brother's funeral took place
while I was in the Territory I would postpone all other recreations and attend it.
Of course I tried to sell the Genuine Mexican Plug, but that was a stretch of simplicity
which met with little sympathy. (Riding Music)
The auctioneer stormed up and down the streets on him for four days, dispersing the
populace, interrupting business and destroying children, and never got a bid.
Finally I tried to give him away. But it was a failure. Parties said earthquakes were
handy enough on the Pacific coast - they did not wish to own one.
Several weeks later I got the bill from the livery-stable - stall: fifteen dollars; hay: two
hundred and fifty! The beast had eaten a ton of the article!
That same day I gave the Genuine Mexican Plug to a passing Arkansas emigrant whom
fortune delivered into my hand. If he ever sees me again, he will doubtless remember the
donation.
WOMEN (WITH MEN):
If you want my love
You're dreaming of my tender touch, my darling
If you want the bliss
Of my sweet kiss so very much
Then you must sweep me off my feet
And take me dancing for seven hours
Sweep me off my feet
It's so entrancing to feel you near
And win me with your charms
Bring a corsage of yellow flowers
Hold me in your arms
And I am yours, my love, my dear
CANNIBALISM IN THE CARS
JOURNEY THROUGH AMERICA
ALL:
Riding on a train in South Dakota
On a journey through America
On a long long trip to Indiana
Wide stretched the plain and sky cut by the horizon
MAN:
There I sat beside a politician
Once a congressman of able skill
That fellow did regale me with quite a tale
Of a scale bigger than whale
That would never fail to thrill
IN DECEMBER ON A TRAIN
CONGRESSMAN(with others):
In December on a train
Riding through the endless plain
Men that numbered twenty-two
Passengers and crew
Not one lady, no children too
Suddenly the skies grew dark
Lightning flashing like a spark
Then the snow began to fall
In a vicious squall
Covering the plains, tracks and all
All around the train the snow was falling, ever falling
Wind was blowing, snow banks growing
Train was stalling, train was slowing
Snow came to the window top
Till finally and fatally we reached a creaking stop
Fifty miles from any town
With no help around
And the snow was still coming down
We all shoveled snow in vain
Stoked the engine of the train
But we stayed helplessly stuck
Without any luck
In a high and wide snowy muck
We had wood to keep us warm
Through the days of endless storm
But there was no food to eat
Not a scrap of meat
Not even a lone grain of wheat
So for days on end we'd wait for succor without supper
Eating nothing, lots of nothing
Getting hungry, oh so hungry
Somewhat angry, but more hungry
After four, then five, then six, then seven days of pain
It was clear that we all knew
What the twenty-two
Gentlemen must do on that train
GENTLEMAN #1:
Gentlemen - it cannot be delayed longer! We must determine which of us shall die to
furnish food for the rest!
GENTLEMAN #2:
Gentlemen - I nominate the Rev. James Sawyer, of Tennessee.
GENTLEMAN #3:
I nominate Mr. Daniel Slote, of New York
CONGRESSMAN:
I nominate Mr. Samuel A. Bowen, of St. Louis.
GENTLEMAN #2:
Gentlemen - I desire to decline in favor of Mr. John A. Van Nostrand, Jun., of New
Jersey.
GENTLEMAN #1:
If there be no objection, the gentlemen's desire will be acceded to.
CONGRESSMAN:
Mr. Van Nostrand objecting, the resignation of Mr. Slote was rejected. The resignations
of Messrs. Sawyer and Bowen were also offered, and refused upon the same grounds.
GENTLEMAN #1:
I move that the nominations now close, and that the House shall proceed to an election by
ballot.
GENTLEMAN #2:
Gentlemen - I protest earnestly against these proceedings. I must beg to move that they
be dropped at once, and that we elect a chairman of the meeting, and proper officers to
assist him, and then we can go on with the business before us understandingly.
GENTLEMEN #3:
Gentlemen - I object. This is no time to stand upon forms and ceremonious observances.
For more than seven days we have been without food. Every moment we lose in idle
discussion increases our distress. I am satisfied with the nominations that have been made
- and do not see why we should not proceed at once to elect one or more of them. I wish
to offer a resolution GENTLEMAN #1:
It would be objected to, and have to lie over one day, under the rules, thus bringing about
the very delay you wish to avoid.
CONGRESSMAN:
So the motion to create a committee to make selections was passed. A recess of half an
hour was taken, and some little caucusing followed. At the sound of the gavel the
meeting reassembled, and the committee reported in favor of Messrs. George Ferguson,
of Kentucky, Lucien Herrman, of Louisiana, and W. Messick, of Colorado, as candidates.
The report was accepted.
GENTLEMAN #3:
Mr. President - the report being properly before the House now, I move to amend it by
substituting for the name of Mr. Herrman that of Lucious Harris, of St. Louis. I do not
wish to cast the least reflection upon the high character of the gentleman from Louisiana,
but none of us can be blind to the fact that he has lost more flesh during the week that we
have lain here than any among us - none can be blind to the fact that the committee has
been derelict in its duty in thus offering for our suffrages a gentleman who, however pure
his own motives may be, has really less nutriment in him GENTLEMAN #2:
I move to further amend the report by substituting Mr. Harvey Davis, of Oregon, for Mr.
Messick. It may be urged by some gentlemen that the hardships and privations of a
frontier life have rendered Mr. Davis tough; but, gentlemen. Is this a time to cavil at
toughness? Is this a time to be fastidious? No, gentlemen: bulk is what we desire substance, weight, bulk - these are the supreme requisites now - not talent, not genius, not
education.
CONGRESSMAN:
Mr. Chairman - I do most strenuously object to this amendment. The gentleman from
Oregon is old, and furthermore, is bulky only in bone - not in flesh. I ask the gentleman
from Virginia if it is soup we want instead of solid sustenance? I ask him if he can look
upon the anxious faces around him and still thrust this famine-stricken fraud upon us?
This wreck, this gnarled and blighted vagabond from Oregon's inhospitable shores?
Never!
(Applause)
After a fiery debate, the amendment was put to a vote and lost. The balloting then began.
On the sixth ballot, Mr. Harris was elected, all voting for him but himself.
GENTLEMAN #1:
I move that the House now take up the remaining candidates, and go in election for
breakfast.
CONGRESSMAN:
On the first ballot there was a tie, half the members favoring one candidate on account of
his youth, and half favoring the other on account of his superior size. There was some
talk of demanding a new ballot; but the happy announcement that Mr. Harris was ready
drove all thought of it to the winds.
IN DECEMBER ON A TRAIN (continued)
CONGRESSMAN (while "Gentlemen" sing lalala):
I liked Harris. He might have been better done, perhaps, but I believe no man ever
agreed with me better than Harris. Messick was very well, rather high-flavored, but for
genuine nutritiousness and delicacy of fiber, give me Harris.
MAN:
Do you mean to tell me that CONGRESSMAN:
After breakfast we elected Walker, from Detroit, for supper. He was very good, a little
rare, but very good. I wrote his wife so afterwards.
Bailey offered rather less, since his left leg was wood
Buckminster was especially good
McElroy seemed quite thin and small
Yet had the finest taste of all
Three Smiths, two Clarks, one Hawkins I could name
Then rescue came
MAN:
And so rescue did come at last?
CONGRESSMAN:
Yes, one bright, sunny morning, just after election. John Murphy was the choice, but he
came home with us and lived to marry the widow Harris
MAN:
Widow of CONGRESSMAN:
Widow of our first choice, yes. Ah - this is my stopping place, sir; I must bid you goodbye. I like you, sir; I could like you as well as I liked Harris myself. Good day, sir, and
a pleasant journey. (exits)
CONDUCTOR:
Tickets. Tickets.
MAN:
Who was that man?
CONDUCTOR;
He was a member of congress once. But he got caught in a snowdrift in the cars, and
almost starved. Now he is a monomaniac, and when he gets on that old subject, he never
stops till he has eaten up that whole car-load of people he talks about. He would have
finished the crowd, only he had to get out here. When he gets them all eat up but himself,
he always says CONGRESSMAN:
Then the hour for the usual election for breakfast having arrived, and there being no
objection, I was duly elected, after which, there being no objection offered, I resigned.
And that's how it came to be
There was only me
Left of twenty-two on that train
LIFE ON THE MISSISSIPPI
DOWN TO THE RIVER AND FAR FAR AWAY
SOLO:
Once in Missouri, south of St. Louis
There lived a future grand troubadour
He didn't know yet what peels of laughter
What tales and stories
He had in store
He was a young man longing to sail the
Grand Mississippi
Some lucky day
One day he'll tell the story of going
Down to the river and far far away
LET THE RIVER FLOW
ALL:
Let the river flow
See the waters deepen downstream
Let the Mississippi grow
Into your dreams
Take the riverboat
From St. Louis to New Orleans
On the mighty river float
Into your dreams
NARRATOR:
When I was a boy, there was but one permanent ambition among my comrades in our
village on the west bank of the Mississippi River. That was to be a steamboatman.
BOY:
We had transient ambitions: when a circus came and went, it left us all burning to
become clowns;
ANOTHER BOY:
Now and then we hoped that if we were good, God would permit us to be pirates.
NARRATOR:
These ambitions faded out, but the ambition to be a steamboatman always remained.
ALL:
Let the river flow
From St. Louis to New Orleans
Let the Mississippi grow
Into your dreams
NARRATOR:
Boy after boy managed to get on the river.
BOY:
The doctor's son became a bar-keeper on a boat.
ANOTHER BOY:
The minister's son became an engineer.
NARRATOR:
But pilot was the grandest position of all. Two months of a pilot's wages would pay a
preacher's salary for a year. I had comforting daydreams of a future when I should be a
great and honored riverboat pilot.
MISSISSIPPI SONG
WOMAN:
Day by day
The Mississippi flows by my home
Singing a melody she beckons me to roam
Night by night
She's calling me to come with her soon
Singing her lullaby, her sweet inviting tune
The river smiles to me to give her a try
Follow my fortune ere it all flows on by
I'm like a bird afraid to take to the sky
Lying awake with fear and questions
I hear her soft suggestions
To follow my intentions to fly
Day and night
The Mississippi beckons to me
Calls with a siren song to come along to see/sea
There oh there
The world awaits with glory and fame
I see it glistening and whispering my name
BIXBY:
What is the shape of Walnut Bend?
NARRATOR:
I didn't know it had any particular shape, Mr. Bixby…
BIXBY:
My boy, you've got to know the shape of the river perfectly. It is all there is left to steer
by on a very dark night. But mind you, it hasn't the same shape in the night than it has in
the day-time.
NARRATOR:
How on earth am I ever going to learn it, then?
BIXBY:
How do you follow a hall at home in the dark? Because you know the shape of it. You
can't see it.
NARRATOR:
Do you mean to say I've got to know all the million trillion variations of shape in the
banks of this interminable river as well as I know the shape of the front hall at home?
BIXBY:
On my honor, you've got to know them better.
NARRATOR:
I wish I was dead.
BIXBY:
Now, I don't want to discourage you, but…
NARRATOR:
Very well, I'll try it; but after I learned it can I depend on it? Will it keep the same form
and not go fooling around?
MR. W-:
Bixby, you'll have a look out for President's island. The banks are caving and the shape
of the shores changing like everything.
NARRATOR:
So that question is answered…
It was plain that I had to learn the shape of the river in all the different ways that could be
thought of, - upside down, wrong end first, inside out, fore and aft… So I set about to do
it. In the course of time I began to get the best of the knotty lesson.
BIXBY:
Do you see that long slanting line on the face of the water? Now that's a bluff reef..
There is a solid sand-bar under it as straight as the side of a house. Do you see where the
line fringes out at the upper end?
NARRATOR:
Yes, sir.
BIXBY:
Well that is a low place; you can climb over there and not hurt anything.
Now get ready. Wait till I give the word. She won't want to mount the reef; boat hates
shoal water. Stand by - wait - wait
Now cramp her down! Snatch her! Snatch her!
Good.
Do you know how to run the next few miles?
NARRATOR:
Go inside the first snag above the point, outside the next one, start out from the lower end
of Higgin's wood-yard, make a square crossing and…
BIXBY:
That's all right. I'll be back before you close up on the next point. (leaves)
All but Narrator hum Mississippi Song
NARRATOR:
But he wasn't. He was still below when I rounded it. I went gaily along, getting prouder
and prouder, for he had never left the boat in my sole charge such a length of time before.
And then my mouth dropped with a shocked disbelief
For right ahead I saw a dangerous reef
It's deadly bluff was heading straight for our bow
Oh where on earth is Mr. Bixby
Oh where is Mr. Bixby
Oh where could Mr. Bixby be now?!
NARRATOR:
OTHERS:
That reef was following wherever I went
Following wherever I went
That reef was after me with deadly intent
After me with deadly intent
I knew that I would have to do something rash
I would have to do something rash
And so I sent the ship careening
ALL:
To one side all was leaning
I steered us down an up-bend
So that the ship may not end up smashed up in a horrible crash!
BIXBY:
Stop the starboard. Stop the larboard. Set her back on both.
NARRATOR:
Mr. Bixby stepped calmly into view. I did not know that he had been hiding behind the
chimney to see how I would perform.
BIXBY:
The officer of the watch will tell you when he wants to wood up.
NARRATOR:
I wasn't after wood
BIXBY:
Why, what would you want to follow a bend up-stream at this stage of the river?
NARRATOR:
I wasn't trying to follow it. I was getting away from the bluff reef.
BIXBY:
There isn't a bluff reef within three miles of where you were.
NARRATOR:
But I saw it. That one yonder.
BIXBY:
Run over it
NARRATOR:
Do you give it as an order?
BIXBY:
Yes. Run over it.
NARRATOR:
I impressed my orders upon my memory, to be used at the inquest.
Anticipation. No contact. Release.
BIXBY:
Now don't you see the difference? It wasn't anything but a wind reef. The wind does
that.
NARRATOR:
But it is exactly like a bluff reef. How am I ever going to tell them apart?
BIXBY:
I can't tell you. It's an instinct. By and by you will just naturally know one from the
other, but you will never be able to explain why or how you know them apart.
ALL:
NARRATOR:
The river smiles to you to give her a try
I will go and give it a try
Follow your fortune ere it all flows on by
Follow you before you go by
You're like a bird afraid to take to the sky
Spread my wings and take to the sky
Welcome the answer to the question
ALL:
Arise to the suggestion
And follow the intention to fly
Day and night
The Mississippi beckons to me
Calls with a siren song to come along to see/sea
There oh there
The world awaits with glory and fame
I see it glistening and whispering my name
(Day by day)
NARRATOR:
It turned out to be true. The face of the water, in time, became a wonderful book, which
told its mind to me without reserve, and which had a new story to tell every day. There
never was so wonderful a book written by man.
SUNSET ON THE RIVER
WOMAN :
As we gently float
On the riverboat
Sunrays paint the water with a gold-tinged crimson coat
Sunlight softly marks
Dancing slanting sparks
Round a drifting log that passes by us still and dark
Nature paints the scene
Varied and serene
Brushstrokes streak the water and the shore line's rich and green
Sit here by my side
While we gently glide
Let us two together
Watch the sunset on the river
See the fading of the sunlight
For the waiting starry night
NARRATOR:
The passenger who could not read this book saw nothing but pretty pictures in it, whereas
to the trained eye these were not pictures at all, but the grimmest and most dead-earnest
of reading-matter
ALL:
As we gently float
On the riverboat
Sunrays paint the water with a gold-tinged crimson coat
NARRATOR:
This sun means that we are going to have wind tomorrow.
ALL:
Sunlight softly marks
Dancing slanting sparks
Round a drifting log that passes by us still and dark
NARRATOR:
That floating log means that the river is rising.
Those slanting marks on the water refer to a bluff reef, which will kill someone's
steamboat one of these days.
ALL:
Nature paints the scene
Varied and serene
Brushstrokes streak the water and the shore line's rich and green
NARRATOR:
Those lines in the water are a warning that a troublesome place is shoaling up
dangerously.
That tall dead tree on the shoreline won't last long, and then how is a body ever going to
get through this blind place at night without the friendly old landmark?
ALL:
Sit here by my side
While we gently glide
NARRATOR:
I had mastered the language of this water, but I had lost something too. All the grace, the
beauty, the poetry had gone out of the majestic river, and could never be restored to me.
ALL:
Let us two together
Watch the sunset on the river
See the fading of the sunlight
For the waiting starry night
Let the river flow
From St. Louis to New Orleans
Let the Mississippi grow
Into your dreams
JOURNEY THROUGH AMERICA - CODA
All:
Thank you all for hearing our rendition
Of a journey through America
Now it's time we had an intermission
Often you will have one right after the first act
After we have had this intermission
We shall take the journey overseas
MEN:
Now you've a little time
If you're so inclined
To unwind
Stretch your legs with ease
Be back in ten minutes please
WOMEN:
Please, we will be back soon,
That we may regale
With a tune
And another tale
In a mere ten minutes too
MEN:
You know what you can do
Sit back in your chair
WOMEN: Have a little snack
MEN: Or go to the loo
WOMEN: Go out for some air
MEN: And then hurry back
ALL:
We will see you in Act Two