Capital Crime!
A vaudeville
in red, white, and blue
by Carson Kreitzer
Copyright Carson Kreitzer
4219 20th Ave. South
Minneapolis, MN 55407
[email protected]
Representation:
Mark Orsini
Bret Adams LTD
448 West 44th Street
New York, NY 10036
212-765-5630
“A woman, like a country, is happiest when she has no history.”
-Oscar Wilde
as quoted by Evelyn Nesbit
in The Story of My Life, 1914
“Every time that I sell myself to you
I feel a little bit cheaper than I need to.”
-Courtney Love, Asking For It
1
Characters
historical:
Evelyn Nesbit- “The Girl in the Red Velvet Swing”. Artists’ model, showgirl. A
great beauty, and the sole support of her family from age 14. The center
of the scandal.
Stanford White- Famous architect. Exquisite taste, questionable morals.
Owner of the red velvet swing.
Harry K. Thaw- Spoiled rich boy. Evelyn’s husband. Homicidal.
invented:
Annie- An actress. Young and poor. Her background is a bit of a mystery, but
it’s made her tough.
Mac- A gaffer. The same. A girl dressed as a boy.
Mr. James Jay- A Railroad Baron. Rose from humble means to great wealth.
Freddy Jay, his son. Has never worked a day in his life.
Actors, who play roles in the movie:
1. Director/ Cop
2. Actor/ Store Manager/Newspaper Man
3.Actress/ Mama Nesbit/Emma Goldman
The onstage band should, if possible, be made up of these actors, plus others as
needed or available, depending on your cast.
additional doubling:
Mac/The Bellboy
Harry K. Thaw/ Actor playing Harry K. Thaw/ Freddy Jay
Time: 1909-1914, or thereabouts
Place: New York City
Note on casting: While the central events portrayed are historical, the company of
actors putting on the play should resemble the world we live in now, not
necessarily the people in the historical events. Evelyn and Annie should look
very similar to one another, but ethnicity is unimportant.
SONGS: The Rich, Crumbs, Poverty Song , Undone, and Vaudeville
Music by Annie Enneking, lyrics by Carson Kreitzer
I Could Love A Million Girls, music by Cass M. Freeborn, lyrics by Edgar Allan
Woolf.
2
The stage is adorned simply. Obvious cardboard
flats. Opulence and squalor represented in as simple
and precise a manner as possible. A few touches of
absolute theatrical magic: the red velvet swing. The
orange Japanese lanterns. Some exquisite costume
elements: the kimono, perhaps the red cloak. Music
occasionally brings us jarringly into the present:
sounds like the loudquietloud of Hole’s album “Live
Through This.”
Scene titles are projected, displayed on vaudeville
cards at either side of the stage, or spoken aloud by
the company.
As the audience files in, a band is present onstage. [If
possible made up of the Actors from the movie. The
Actress is the bandleader/lead singer.]
As the audience is seated, with house lights still on,
the band begins this song. Over the course of it, the
lights dim.
OPENING SONG: THE RICH
ACTRESS
the rich just keep getting richer all the time
the rich just keep getting richer all the time
who made the rules?
who made them divine?
the rich just keep getting richer all the time
ALL
the rich just keep getting richer all the time
the rich just keep getting richer all the time
who made the rules?
who pours the wine?
the rich just keep getting richer all the time
ACTRESS/ALL ECHO
Pull yourself up
by the Boot Strap Boot Strap
don’t get caught or you’ll get the strap
catch the clap
Pull yourself up
3
by the Boot Strap Boot Strap
don’t get caught or you’ll be the sap
take the rap
FALL INTO THE INCOME GAP
WOMEN
who made the rules?
they’re so refined
just catch a glimpse
is that blood or wine?
ACTRESS
Catch a bootstrap and start the climb
ALL
I’M GONNA START GETTING RICHER THIS TIME
(Mac, a woman dressed as a boy, with an oversized
newsboy cap, comes forward. Addresses us, a
Brechtian Puck, welcoming the audience.
Underscored: )
MAC
This is the story of two girls
Both of whom played Evelyn Nesbit
One of whom really was it
And a particular form of Dementia Americanus.
Apparent back in Nineteen-oh-Nine
and apparently still with us.
The way a scandal makes us hot
With judgment and with glee
The way we'll pay a lot for a picture
Of a girl not yet eighteen
How we love to watch a pretty girl
And love to watch her fall
Then wait, salivating
For the next dainty morsal
We tell this story in the style
Of those who've come before us
4
(as a theatrical sneeze:)
Verfremdungseffekt!
CHORUS MEMBER
Gesundheit.
MAC
Thank you.
We'll do our best with what we have
And a very small chorus
For the tale of the piteous waif
Brought to the big city
Discovered, beneath the rags and soot
Exceptionally pretty
EVELYN
The first girl whose picture alone could sell
ANNIE
soap!
Hair Ribbons!
NEWSPAPER MAN
Newsprint.
STANFORD
Despoiled by a famous man
HARRY
Married by another
DIRECTOR
Who over little Evelyn
Committed Famous Murder
ALL
ooooooh
MAC
A tale of such piteousness and sorrow deserves
A good
ALL
Melodrama!
5
MAC
There will be a red velvet swing
Perhaps you've heard of it?
That many a girl’s bottom has graced
Though none so pretty as
Evelyn Nesbit's
Sorrow and pity, pity and grace
A madman’s pistol
A young girl’s face
It may have launched a thousand ships
NEWSPAPER MAN
(If ships are papers, circulation 10 thousand and climbing...)
(underscore out)
MAC
And launched the era in which we still live
Where we drink the blood
Of young young girls, before
Throwing them over our collective shoulder
like
disused tubes of toothpaste
ALL
the rich just keep getting richer all the time
the rich just keep getting richer all the time
who made the rules?
who pours the wine?
the rich just keep getting richer all the time
The earliest days of the film industry—when Hollywood was in Brooklyn.
(Sound of a whip crack.
Projection of flickering light on top of actors:
the effect of an old movie. Specifically, Broken
Blossoms, with Lillian Gish.
Annie kneels, cowering, in a nightgown. A
large actor stands over her, holding a whip.
6
He tries to crack the whip. It doesn’t quite
work.)
ACTOR
I can’t crack the whip.
DIRECTOR
Doesn’t matter. No sound, remember?
Just threaten her with the whip. Yes…
Hold it there… lower… more at, yes, at waist level.
Menace her with the handle.
Yes, like that.
(the effect is quite phallic)
She’s kneeling before you, begging you,
No
ANNIE
(furious, breaking)
Yeah, I think they get it.
ACTOR
Oh, the poor thing. She’s very sensitive.
Actresses are very sensitive.
And so are Actors. We have an Insight
into the Human Condition.
(solicitous, verging on pitying:)
You… know about this, don’t you?
…Was it… your father?
ANNIE
(low, dangerous: )
Don’t you dare say a word against my FATHER
(On the last word, she lunges at him, grabbing
him around the throat.
A Gaffer in a newsboy cap (Mac) pulls her off,
wrestles her away.)
DIRECTOR
Cut!
ACTOR
What did I say?
7
DIRECTOR
Well, she’s got a certain something.
ACTOR
(rubbing his neck gingerly)
Indeed. A fire.
DIRECTOR
But life would be a lot simpler if we could avoid scenes like this.
ACTOR
How did you find her, anyway? Is she… one of your…
DIRECTOR
Good lord, man, what are you doing with your eyebrows?
She showed up at an audition, I don’t know.
ACTOR
And then you…
DIRECTOR
She auditioned. She was marginally better than the others. She is here.
ACTOR
Ah. Discretion.
Very gentlemanly of you. I understand.
But, if you Tire of her, do let me know.
I’m very good at consoling heartbroken girls.
DIRECTOR
I’m sure.
ACTOR
(modest)
It’s a talent…
(In the dressing room.)
MAC
Don’t let ‘em see they got ya. That’s when they know they got ya.
ANNIE
What would you know about it? Not more than 12 years old.
8
MAC
Know plenty.
ANNIE
yeh?
MAC
I’m 23.
(Annie looks more closely.)
ANNIE
you’re not a boy.
(gaffer shakes her head.)
Why are you dressed like that?
MAC
You know why.
(Annie regards her.)
ANNIE
Safer.
MAC
(nods)
And I can work.
What happened to your Dad?
ANNIE
Died.
MAC
Yeh.
(beat)
You better get back out there. They’re gonna get somebody else in for your part.
ANNIE
Ah, whaddo I care?
MAC
This one’s gonna be a hit.
They practically got that whip handle in your mouth.
9
Not very subtle. But a lotta people gonna see this one.
ANNIE
Wonderful.
MAC
Next job could be better. Some ole Johnny sees this one, and maybe he’s got a
better story.
ANNIE
Yeh. We could all use a better story.
MAC
I’m writin’ mine. Name’s Mac.
(Holds out hand for a masculine handshake.)
ANNIE
How come nobody notices?
MAC
I’m invisible.
Stanford White on Architecture
STANFORD WHITE
Architecture.
Is the structure in which we live our lives.
It makes all things possible.
Without structure, everything collapses.
This holds true for a ceiling or a social order.
Structure and support are key. But so is elegance. The structure should appear
only as strict as renders confidence in the observer.
The wonderful thing about America is our class mobility.
Anyone can do as I have done
all it takes is hard work
very very hard work
And apprenticeships with just the right people
why I haven’t even a degree from a prestigious university
10
I’ve got my hands. My ingenuity. My understanding
of the needs of those who
commission great works of architecture.
I understand how important it is to have a separate staircase
for the servants
You can’t be running into the upstairs maid your son has gotten into an
embarrassing condition
not because it would cause embarrassment
not really
but because it shapes her frame of reference
If she runs into him on the stair
Basket with the sweated sheets held to one side of her
swelling belly
she might think a ring is all she’d need
to join this family
when in fact this is not a leap
that can be made.
There is a whole separate staircase
for the likes of her.
It’s important for her to remember this.
In the end, it saves everyone
from embarrassment.
film of the rooftop murder
(Annie and the Director, on set.)
ANNIE
I wasn’t sure you’d have me back, after the last time.
DIRECTOR
Hm. We weren’t sure either.
ANNIE
Well, thanks.
11
DIRECTOR
You will be playing the role of Evelyn Nesbit
ANNIE
Evelyn Nesbit, that her husband—
DIRECTOR
Harry K. Thaw
ANNIE
shot that Architect? Over her ruination?
DIRECTOR
Stanford White. Yes.
ANNIE
We’re doing a film of that? It just happened not two months ago!
DIRECTOR
Exactly. Everybody who wasn’t there wants to see how it happened.
ANNIE
(a little guilty)
I saw the nickelodian. Come out that same week.
DIRECTOR
Well of course you did. So did I. So did everybody. That’s why Edison went out
and made it. The man is a genius, after all. Knows what people want.
Light. And Violence.
(setting the scene:)
Harry K. Thaw, haunted by the brutal tale of his wife’s Ruination at the hands of
Stanford White, at the tender age of 16. Finds the Architect on the rooftop
garden of his Madison Square building, from which you can see the golden
statue of Diana, the naked huntress, perched atop the spire. Harry Thaw finds
Stanford White at his usual table at the front, watching the opening night of the
otherwise unremarkable Mam’zelle Champagne. Pulls a revolver from his coat
pocket, and fires three shots. Directly into Stanford White’s big, handsome head.
(He demonstrates, his hand as the pistol,
directly in front of Annie’s face, point blank
range. Annie shudders in horror, with a slight
undercurrent of excitement.)
The dancing girls stop. They scream.
While Evelyn watches in silent horror.
12
ANNIE
Evelyn Nesbit. Do you think I’m pretty enough?
DIRECTOR
No one is, except herself. But herself is not available for the project, due to now
being a member of the respectable Thaw family. So we’ll put a lot of rice powder
on you.
ANNIE
Can you get respectable, after you’ve been not?
DIRECTOR
Takes a whole lot of money. Which old Mrs. Thaw sits atop, like a dragon
guarding its gold.
Still respectable after her son shoots a man and ought to be dragged straight to
the bug house? That’s a lot of money.
ANNIE
Straight to the bug house if he’s lucky.
It’s that, or Edison’s chair. What a way to die. Cooks your brains, I heard.
DIRECTOR
Do you know what he lived on? 80 thousand dollars.
(Annie whistles.)
A month.
ANNIE
And he wasn’t happy?
DIRECTOR
Nowhere near. That’s why it’s better to be poor.
ANNIE
I think I’d manage to be quite happy.
DIRECTOR
Me, too. I’d buy myself a solid gold yacht and name it Happiness.
But we’ve had time to dream what we’d do.
Time to be poor is important if you’re gonna be rich.
ANNIE
I heard once. Of a milk bath. Just bathing in milk. Can you imagine?
(Both imagine this for a moment.)
13
I don’t think I could, though. Think of all those children who could have had a
glass of milk, if I wasn’t bathing in it.
DIRECTOR
You could buy a farm. Have dedicated cows set to producing milk just for
children that don’t have milk.
(Annie smiles at the thought.)
You could give the children the milk.
And bathe in Chantilly cream.
ANNIE
Oh! Go straight to the devil for that, you would.
DIRECTOR
If you’re giving all those children milk?
(Annie thinks.)
Yeh. It’s a conundrum, I’ll grant you that.
ANNIE
Is it to be a melo-drama?
DIRECTOR
Of course. Very tasteful.
ANNIE
Can you imagine, being her? The whole country knowing your most intimate
details? The worst day of your life, repeated in front of strangers, typed up in
newspapers. People are reading of your ruination over their breakfasts.
She’s not a vaudeville. She’s a girl.
People will be shamed. They will put the brakes on this, make sure it never
happens to anyone else.
DIRECTOR
Can’t be stopped. It’s like railroad travel.
They sold more papers in New York in the last two months than at any previous
time in history.
ANNIE
You don’t know that.
DIRECTOR
Sounds right, though, doesn’t it?
But I’m not just grabbing a piece of that action. We have a higher cause. Or
lower. We’re bankrolled by Harry’s mother.
14
Mrs. Thaw is hoping to influence public opinion, and with any luck, the dozen
good citizens selected for the jury
The film is to be called The Unwritten Law.
(gestures to an actor)
Mr. MacDaniels will be playing Harry Thaw.
ACTOR PLAYING HARRY THAW
(reading from a script)
She is like a little flower, and that villain, Stanford White, is going to
Pluck Her!
the written law vs. the unwritten law, by Evelyn Nesbit Thaw
EVELYN
(haunted, delicate: )
The Unwritten Law says a man may kill to avenge an assault on his wife. Or
daughter.
The Written Law says a woman has no property or money of her own. The
husband may dispose of them as he sees fit.
The Unwritten Law adds that he may dispose of her as well. If he sees fit.
How many perfectly sane women, locked up in sanatoriums, since they’d been
crazy enough to criticize the husband’s choices for what he’d do with her money.
And with the ring, his money.
Like unto a God, to protect us all. Or unleash his punishing wrath.
The Written Law says if you don’t pay your rent, you gotta get out.
The Unwritten Law says don’t get any older than twenty. If you can help it.
the shooting
ANNIE
But we’re not going to actually show the shooting, are we?
DIRECTOR
Of course. It’s what everyone wants to see.
ANNIE
Yes, but
DIRECTOR
Light. and Violence.
The supreme moment of the Drama.
15
ANNIE
but mightn’t people get the idea thatthat’s what you do to get in a film?
That if you can’t make yourself great.
You can shoot someone who is.
And then everybody will talk about you.
DIRECTOR
Nonsense. What about that madman who assassinated McKinley? Czolgosh.
Everybody knows he’s an anarchist nut.
ANNIE
but you know his name.
DIRECTOR
Of course. He shot the President.
ANNIE
I worry it might…
DIRECTOR
Worry about learning your lines, how about that.
(he hands her the script.)
DIRECTOR
We begin in medias res
In the Medias of things. Skipping over her early life, poverty, discovery, etcetera
etcetera. Can fill that in later. We open in the Tower above the Madison Square
Gardens.
Here, we see Evelyn Nesbit entering Stanford White’s Love Nest for the first time.
The young girl is staggered by the Opulence.
(Annie reads the script. The scene proceeds
with Evelyn and Stanford White.)
IN WHICH WE LEARN THE VALUE OF A TIFFANY SCONCE
STANFORD
I had them all made to order
bluegreen and turquoise, flitting dragonflies
16
fitting complement
to your brown eyes.
do you know how much?
EVELYN
more than a steak dinner at Delmonico’s
with oysters
and Chantilly after?
(Stanford laughs, enchanted)
STANFORD
a little more.
a steak dinner for you
and two hundred of your friends
with oysters
and Chantilly after.
EVELYN
Just for these lights?
STANFORD
For one of them.
DIRECTOR
Then we flash back to where she came from, her pitiful life of poverty after the
sudden death of her father.
IN WHICH WE LEARN THE VALUE OF A GIRL, NOT YET FIFTEEN
(Wannamaker’s department store. Mama
Nesbit, Evelyn, and a doll representing her
younger brother. The Store Manager is
broadly acted; in contrast, Mama Nesbit is
small, subdued- in the shell-shock of poverty.)
STORE MANAGER
Well, your boy’s not worth much, spindly little thing. And really, he’s gaining
useful experience here, as a stock boy. You should be paying us to train him up.
We’re giving you that for free.
Plus he’s warm and sheltered all day, isn’t he?
17
MAMA NESBIT
12 hours.
STORE MANAGER
Giving you that for free.
So you can’t really expect us to be paying you much extra for him.
MAMA NESBIT
Nnnno. No, we’re ever so grateful.
STORE MANAGER
Of course you are.
(looking at Evelyn)
Now, her we can use as a floater. Some stock work, some supply, maybe even
work behind the glove counter, if we find she’s personable, if the customers like
her.
How old did you say she is?
MAMA NESBIT
(tired)
How old do you need her to be?
STORE MANAGER
That’s the spirit.
Last thing we need is the Child Protective Society on us.
Then she couldn’t work, could she? Then you couldn’t look after her, know she’s
safe.
MAMA NESBIT
Twelve hours a day.
STORE MANAGER
How old is she?
MAMA NESBIT
She’s… fifteen?
STORE MANAGER
Oh, I don’t think that’ll do
MAMA NESBIT
She’s sixteen.
18
STORE MANAGER
All right then.
Maybe better let down that hem another few inches. She’ll be all grown up in no
time.
Stanford White, on Quality
STANFORD
I explained to Misters Morgan, Carnegie, and Astor that they could have the
second-best sconces, at a considerable savings.
That we did not need to employ Mr. Tiffany, but could order them ready-made
from Italy. Cast in metal, like everyone else’s.
But when you are financing a building such as this. A building of SPLENDOR. A
building for the AGES. With a rooftop garden, and a theater lit with thousands of
fairy lights, and an EIGHTEEN FOOT BRONZE DIANA THE HUNTRESS for the
top of the spire
Why would you ever fit a building such as this with the second-best of anything?
And I convinced them that the Architect of such a building would not need much
for his troubles, just a little something, just one apartment, one small set of
rooms, at the very top of the tower.
Looking out over the garden, the theater, the fairy lights.
The pretty, white shoulders of the young girl
made breathless by the view
as you
are made breathless by the view
of her
A Snuggery to beat all!
The Pie Girl
(Annie and The Actress in the dressing room,
poring over various newspapers. Mac in and
out, working.)
ACTRESS
Oh, isn’t she sweet? I only buy soap with her picture on it.
ANNIE
Of course. If it’s what she’s using, to get that complexion…
19
ACTRESS
Flawless.
ANNIE
(referring to a paper: )
Is that this morning’s?
ACTRESS
Where’s the Herald? It’s got the Afternoon coverage…
ANNIE
Oh-- Here- there’s more about the trial“She looked like an angel, recounting all the Devil had done to her…”
ACTRESS:
(sighing in luxurious pity)
oh….
ANNIE
And look, there’s a sketch.
Isn’t she gorgeous?
ACTRESS
She looks so frail, the poor thing.
ANNIE
I wish I had a hat like that…
MAC
And it’s right there in the paper, everything she had to say?
ANNIE
(nods)
A man’s life hangs in the balance.
So she sacrifices herself for him- revealing all the sordid, sickening details…
Stanford White used to have her ride on that red velvet swing
(looks around, nervous to say the word)
naked
so of course
who doesn’t have that picture in their heads now?
All of New York City—
All of this Country—
20
ACTRESS
This is a hundred times worse than the Pie Girl.
ANNIE
That wasn’t even in the papers and her life was ruined!
Just somebody tells somebody tells somebody tells your new husband, and
boom- you’re out on the streets.
What was so bad about it, anyway? She came out of a pie.
MAC
At the Metropolitan Club. In a room full of gentlemen.
ACTRESS
With a lot of birds, I heard.
MAC
Four and twenty blackbirds, it was supposed to be. But they couldn’t get
blackbirds. So Stanford White got doves. White doves. A signature of sorts.
ANNIE
I bet it was beautiful.
ACTRESS
Can you imagine, waiting, trapped in the dark under a great pie crust with a
whole mess of birds…
ANNIE
I don’t know what’s so terrible. Coming out of a pie.
MAC
I don’t think she was wearing much.
ANNIE
Oh.
of course. It’s not enough to get a beautiful young girl leaping out of your pie, in
an explosion of pastry-crust and white doves. She’s also got to be half naked.
MAC
A little gauze dress. In the classical style.
ANNIE
They always say it’s the Classical Style.