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THAT’S THE TICKET
Three women and three men are traveling by train. At the
station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the
three women buy just one ticket.
"How are the three of you going to travel on
only one ticket?" asks one of the men.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the women.
They all board the train. The three men take their
respective seats but all three women rush into the
toilet. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with
a ticket in hand. The men, impressed, decide to do the same
thing on the return trip. When they get to the station they
buy a single ticket, but see to their astonishment that the
three women don't buy any tickets at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one.
"Watch and learn," answer the women. Onboard the train,
the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three
women cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly
after the train begins to move, one of the
women leaves the restroom and walks
over to the toilet in which the men are
hiding, knocks on their door and says,
"Ticket, please…."
I'm still trying to figure out why men
even bother.
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IF A MIME IS ARRESTED DO THE COPS TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
IT'S A SMALL WORLD, BUT I WOULDN'T WANT TO PAINT IT
DEATH IS LIFE'S WAY OF TELLING YOU YOU'VE BEEN FIRED
AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY... BUT SO DOES HAVING NO MEDICAL INSURANCE
IF YOU CHOKE A SMURF, WHAT COLOR DOES IT TURN?
IF YOU CAN'T READ THIS, MAYBE YOU’RE ILLITERATE
WHY DID KAMIKAZE PILOTS WEAR HELMETS?
HOW DO YOU TELL WHEN YOU RUN OUT OF INVISIBLE INK?
I TRIED SNIFFING COKE ONCE, BUT THE ICE CUBES GOT STUCK IN MY NOSE
MANY PEOPLE QUIT LOOKING FOR WORK WHEN THEY FIND A JOB
¥ On March 6, 1776, a committee of the New
York Provincial Congress instructs Major William Malcolm to dismantle the Sandy Hook lighthouse in order to prevent it from aiding the
British by warning ships of the rocky
shore. Malcolm succeeded, but the
British were soon able to put the
lighthouse back into service.
¥ On March 5, 1815, Franz Anton Mesmer, a German physician who pioneered the medical field of hypnotic therapy, dies
in obscurity in Germany. In 1772, Mesmer
developed treatments that included the use
of ethereal music as a hypnotic device.
¥ On March 7, 1876, 29-year-old Alexander Graham Bell receives a patent for his
revolutionary new invention -- the telephone. Bell's patent filing beat a similar
claim by Elisha Gray by just two
hours.
THE US CONSTITUTION DOESN'T GUARANTEE HAPPINESS, ONLY THE PURSUIT OF IT. YOU HAVE TO CATCH IT YOURSELF
¥ On March 4, 1933, at the height of
the Great Depression, Franklin Delano
Roosevelt is inaugurated as the 32nd
president of the United States. In his
famous inaugural address, Roosevelt told Americans that "the only
thing we have to fear is fear itself."
¥ On March 9, 1943, Bobby Fischer is born in Chicago.
Fischer went on to become the only American to win the
chess world championship. Though he was clearly the dominant player in the world and had attained the highest chess
rating in history, he was forced to retire from international
competition in 1975 due to his increasingly erratic and bizarre
behavior.
¥ On March 8, 1950, Volkswagen, maker of the Beetle automobile, expands its product offerings to include a microbus.
Known officially as the Volkswagen Type 2, the bus was a
favorite mode of transportation for hippies during the 1960s
and was an icon of the American counterculture movement.
¥ On March 10, 1988, pop singer and teen idol Andy Gibb -younger brother of Bee Gees Barry, Robin and Maurice -dies in Britain just days after his 30th birthday. Six months
earlier, Gibb had topped the charts with his debut record, "I
Just Want to Be Your Everything." His string of three No. 1
hits with his first three releases is a record that still stands today.
(c) 2012 King Features Synd., Inc.
BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED, FOR THEY LET IN THE LIGHT!
MY HUSBAND AND I DIVORCED OVER RELIGIOUS DIFFERENCES. HE THOUGHT HE WAS GOD AND I DIDN'T
LIKE MOTH; LIKE SUN
A mechanic was working late one night
when a man walked into his shop. "Can
you help me?" the man asked. "I think I am
a moth."
SUPPORT BACTERIA - THEY’RE THE ONLY CULTURE SOME PEOPLE HAVE
The other replied, "I’m a mechanic. You need a psychiatrist."
"Yes, I know," replied the man.
"Then why did you come here?"
"Your light was on."
MAYO?
A ham sandwich goes into a bar. The bartender looks at him, shakes his head and
says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve food here."
NOT REALLY...
God promised that good and obedient
wives would be found in all corners of the
world. Then He made the world round,
and He laughed and laughed.
MAYBE
After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired. He told the circus owner
he was going to retire.
"But you can't!" protested the circus boss,
"where am I going to find another man of
your caliber?"
THE NICE THING ABOUT LIVING IN A SMALL TOWN IS THAT WHEN YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING, SOMEONE ELSE DOES
A SWEET LESSON LEARNED
A little boy and his older sister entered a candy store. The
boy stole 3 chocolate bars. As they left the store, the boy said
to his sister, "I'm the best thief ever, I just stole three chocolate bars and no one even saw me"
The boy’s sister replied: "I’ll show you
some real stealing." They went back into
the store and the girl said to the shopkeeper, "Would you like to see some magic?"
The shopkeeper replied, "Sure."
The girl said, "Give me three chocolate
bars." The shopkeeper gave her three pieces of chocolate and
she ate all three.
Puzzled, the shopkeeper asked, "But where's the magic?"
With a flourish of her arm, the boy’s sister pointed her brother, smiled, and said, "Just check my brother's pocket and
you'll find all three bars of chocolate."
DEAL ME OUT
Back in the early days of our country, a
tax was levied on purchasing a set of
52 playing cards. To avoid paying
the tax, people would purchase 51 cards
instead. Yet, since most games require 52
cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't 'playing
with a full deck.'
ENERGIZER BUNNY ARRESTED, CHARGED WITH BATTERY
ALL THOSE WHO BELIEVE IN PSYCHOKINESIS RAISE MY HAND
IF WE DON’T CHANGE OUR DIRECTION WE WILL END UP WHERE WE ARE HEADING
(c) 2012 King Features Synd., Inc.
7. Mathematics, specifically geometry
8. A hand-cranked string instrument
9. Dr. Mary Edwards Walker, for
her medical work during the Civil War
10. It has two hulls
LAUGHING STOCK: CATTLE WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR
Answers
1. James Thurber
2. El Salvador
3. Six
4. Millard Fillmore. Millard and
Abigail Fillmore were only a
couple of years apart in age.
5. Apartheid
6. Atalanta
BLACK HOLES ARE WHERE GOD DIVIDED BY ZERO
1. LITERATURE: Who created the character of Walter Mitty?
2. GEOGRAPHY: Which Central American country has
coastline only on the Pacific side?
3. GAMES: How many players are on a volleyball team?
4. U.S. PRESIDENTS: Which president eventually courted
and married a woman who was briefly his schoolteacher?
5. HISTORY: What was the name of the system of racial segregation used in South Africa in the second half of the 20th
century?
6. MYTHOLOGY: Which Greek heroine refused to marry
any man who could not beat her in a foot race?
7. ANCIENT WORLD: What field of study was Euclid
known for?
8. MUSIC: What is a hurdy-gurdy?
9. FIRSTS: Who was the first (and only) woman to win the
Medal of Honor?
10. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE: Why is a catamaran different
from other boats?
HOW SAFE IS YOUR IDENTITY?
I POURED SPOT REMOVER ON MY DOG. NOW HE'S GONE
Child Identity Theft
What would you do if your bank informed you that your
child’s Social Security number was on their files for two credit cards and two auto loans with an outstanding balance of
more than $25,000? In one instance, this is exactly what happened to a 3 year old girl. Identity theft has grown into a multi
-billion dollar problem. Sadly, adults are not the only target.
At least 7% of the reported cases of Identity Theft target children. The number could actually be higher since many families don’t discover the theft until a child applies for credit.
“There’s no way to protect your child completely,” says Linda
Foley, co-founder of the Identity Theft Resource Center.
That’s partly because these thieves are likely using sophisticated programs that mine for dormant numbers through
school or doctor’s office databases which often require a
child’s Social Security number before they are born.
Because Social Security numbers are not assigned randomly,
criminals can predict, with a certain amount of accuracy, a
new Social Security number.
Suggestions to protect your child:
1. Immediately run a credit check on your children.
2. If you find suspicious activity, investigate it further and
dispute it with the place credit was obtained and the three reporting bureaus (Equinox, Experian and Trans Union.) Once
you have resolved the credit errors, consider freezing your
child’s credit to prevent future access to their credit profile
without a password. Identity Theft is truly the most insidious
crime for the past 12 years.
For more information contact
Bernie & Geri Page, Independent Associates
Legalshield - 480 776 9891 602 576 8764
WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GET SCARED HALF TO DEATH TWICE?
I COULDN'T REPAIR YOUR BRAKES, SO I MADE YOUR HORN LOUDER
GIVE IT BACK! IT’S MINE!
A blonde tried to sell her old car. It wasn’t easy, because the car
had 250, 000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a
brunette she worked with. The brunette told her, "There is a
way to make your car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if
I only can sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Go to this address
and tell the guy there that I sent you. He will turn the counter
on your car back to 50,000 miles. Then you should be able to
sell it." That weekend, the blond drove over to the address she
had been given. The following Monday morning, the brunette
asked the blonde if she had sold the car.
"No," replied the blonde, "I have decided to keep it. It only has
50, 000 miles on it!”
RiiiiiiGHT...
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were walking along
the beach. A seagull flies over and poops all over the
blonde. The brunette says, "Hang on! The bathroom is just up the hill. I'll go get some toilet
paper."
After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh.
The redhead says, "What's so funny?"
"Think about it!” replied the blonde. “By the time
she gets back with the toilet paper, that seagull will
be miles away!"
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