Supporting your
child at school: Tips
for Parents and
Carers
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Adolescence is a time when young people start to
explore their place in the world and this gradual change from childhood to
adulthood is a difficult one. During childhood, they depended mainly on their
parents for economic and emotional support and direction. In adulthood, though,
they are expected to achieve independence and make informed choices about
school, work, and personal relationships that will affect every aspect of their
future.
They must deal with physical changes and increased expectations from family
members, teachers, and other adults or professionals in their lives. Adolescents
must also deal with sometimes conflicting messages from parents, peers, or the
media. They struggle with an increasing need to feel as if they "belong"
somewhere.
For some young people, the usual challenges of adolescence can be made more
difficult by family situations and/or problems at school. Without support and
guidance, these young people may fall victim to behaviours that place them, and
others, at risk. The most worrying of these behaviours include dropping out of
education, running away from home, joining 'gangs', using alcohol or drugs or
becoming involved in other risk-breaking behaviors. Some young people may
become depressed, leading to academic problems, social isolation, or even more
self-destructive behaviour.
Growing Up Today
Each generation of young people and their families face new and
perhaps more challenging, circumstances. Life for many young people today is
full of options with regard to careers, beliefs, and lifestyle choices. Today young
people need greater self-direction than ever before to successfully move from
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adolescence to adulthood. The government has responded to this in schools with
an increasing emphasis on the social and emotional aspects of learning (SEAL)
and the requirement for schools to develop Personal, Learning and Thinking
skills like team work and self-management.
Helping your child make this move to independence requires that you
understand healthy adolescent development and how to find the resources that
can help you if your child gets off track.
Tips for parenting an adolescent
During adolescence, young people begin to take risks and experiment. They do
this because they are moving from a family-centered world to the wider world
where they will begin to develop their own identity. They may choose friends
their parents do not approve of or try alcohol or other drugs. They may wear
clothing that is 'cool' or generational and begin comparing their families'
lifestyles with those of other families, or break rules imposed on them by their
parents or the larger community.
Young people are basically testing the limits. They are behaving in a way that
they believe will allow them to survive without the day-to-day guidance of their
parents. They are also trying to gain some authority and power of their own.. It
is this ‘confrontational’ behaviour that often troubles us the most (and will land
them in most trouble at school).
While there are no easy answers in parenting, the following strategies may help
you support your child during adolescence:
 Educate yourself about adolescent development. Learn about the
behaviours to expect, the effects of physical changes, and ways to help
your child deal with change. A lot of the behaviour we consider most
worrying can be broadly put into two categories:
Acting Out: tantrums, shouting and confrontation (‘That’s so unfair!)
Acting In: silence, ignoring and becoming withdrawn) (‘What’s wrong?’
‘Nothing!’)
Try not to overact to either aspect. Most of all, try and remain consistent.
Try and look at how you balance CARE and CONTROL of your child.
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 To help with this try and remember your own
adolescence: your changing feelings, anger at authority, or hopes and
fears. Look at your adolescent's behaviour in the context of those
memories to help you keep some perspective. However, be aware that the
world you grew up in may have been a very different one to that your
child is now experiencing. Try and be aware of current media messages
(TV, magazines, the Internet) your child is exposed to. Keep track of
their internet usage, their time spent playing computer games or watching
television. Monitor their use of chat rooms or social networking sites like
MSN: they can often be a breeding ground for unfounded gossip or lead
to bullying, causing problems for young people using them regularly
 Think about taking a course on good parenting. Parenting is a learned
skill. Training can help even experienced parents by giving them new
tools for supporting children.
 Try and listen more than talk. Young people have
spent at least a decade as listeners in most situations. During adolescence,
they want and need the chance to share their feelings and ideas to reflect
their changing identity. They need people to acknowledge that they are
growing up.
 Teach your adolescent about the joys and troubles of life and ways to
enjoy the good times and cope with the bad. The myth that life is always
easy or fair or that people should always be happy can lead to frustration
for young people dealing with the reality in front of them. Try and share
your own experiences where appropriate. Model the kind of sharing you
would want to receive from them.
 Recognise positive behavior whenever possible; it is far more effective
than criticism or punishment for negative behavior. Words that belittle
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can hurt your adolescent's self-esteem. However, do not let young people
live a life without limits. Try and ensure that actions have consequences
at home as well as at school and make your rewards and sanctions (or
punishments) as clear and as consistent as possible.
 Teach your adolescent that rights and responsibilities go hand in hand,
and give your child increasing responsibility for their own personal wellbeing. Give them opportunities to help and to become involved in both
family decision-making discussions and those that affect them
personally. In doing so, seek your child's input and try to help him or her
to understand the process that you use to make those decisions. Look for
situations that can allow your child to test decision-making skills with
your support (a kind of ‘It’s ok, I’ll catch you if you fall’ approach) It is
sometimes difficult for parents to give up control out of concern for their
child's safety. Remember, though, that adolescents' skills in coping with
increasing responsibility will only improve with a parents’ willingness to
support them as they make choices and face new challenges.
 Offer your child chances to become involved in extra-curricular or
community-based activities. All young people are searching to find their
place in the world. Involving adolescents in developing solutions to
community problems (or simply be exposed to some of the problems
other people face every day) can shift their focus from themselves, give
them some perspective and help them to develop skills and feel involved.
 Spend quality and quantity time with your adolescent. Adolescence is a
time when young people naturally begin to pull away from the family and
spend more time at school or with friends. Try and eat at least THREE
TIMES together during the week. Your involvement will both show your
support and help you stay informed about your child's life.
 Encourage other caring adults, including friends and relatives, to spend
time with your adolescent. Aunts and uncles or adult neighbors can
sometimes offer your child further support, guidance, and attention.
 Accept that you have feelings too. You may feel frustrated, angry,
discouraged, or sad during difficult times, especially those related to a
lack of progress at school. Being a good parent doesn't mean being
perfect. Model the ability to apologize when you feel that you let your
emotions get the best of you. Lead by example.
 Remember that most young people have problems at some time. Parents
sometimes needlessly feel embarrassed when their child is having
trouble. Do not assume that your child's behavior always reflects on the
quality of your parenting.
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 Do not always push for drastic or dramatic solutions. Sometimes young
people just need time and support to work through their problems.
 Try and make sure that your child arrives at school ready to learn.
Sleeping patterns, for example, are already disrupted in adolescence, try
and ensure that your child has a regular routine – even in the later teenage
years. Watch what they are eating. Hendon is committed to educating
children as to how they can stay healthy and safe. If you have concerns
over your child’s diet or their intake of fizzy drinks – make the school
aware – we may be able to help monitor and support the messages your
child is receiving at home.
When an adolescent Needs Help
All young people need daily support and guidance. But some young people
whose adolescence is marked by more serious struggles may require help from
outside the family. Many people believe that family matters should be kept
private. Seeking help, however, simply means that you are drawing on every
community resource that you can to help support your child.
It is never too late to reach out for help. But early intervention is really
important in reducing the damage that problems might cause Watch for these
signs that your child might need help in dealing with the difficulties of
adolescence:
 Large amounts of time spent alone, and isolation from family and friends
 Sudden changes in school performance
 Drastic mood swings or changes in behaviour
 Changes in your child's friendship group or sudden separation from longtime friends
 Lack of interest in hobbies or social and leisure activities
 Loss of appetite OR comfort/overeating
Keep in mind that these signs do not always mean that your adolescent is in
trouble. Some changes in friendships, for example, are normal as young people
mature and find new interests.
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Also, all young people are different. A more introverted young person, for
example, may enjoy spending time alone reading. Parents usually know best
how their children are doing on the basis of experience, but this doesn’t mean
that others can’t sometimes provide useful insights (in a ‘you can’t see the wood
for trees sometimes’ kind of way). Unfortunately, during adolescence, young
people often stop sharing as much information with their parents as they did at
younger ages.
The first step for parents in dealing with concerns about their adolescents,
therefore, is to get them talking. Simply talking with adolescents, without
focusing on immediate problems i.e. issues they are not yet comfortable with or
that might stop them talking, gives young people the chance to share their
struggles or give reassurance that they are comfortable and doing well. Try and
show that you really value their opinions and that what they say really matters to
you (‘You’re right. I hadn’t thought about it that way before’). Let them provide
you with a guide to their world wherever possible.
If problems appear to persist and your child seems reluctant or unable to discuss
them with you, try talking with him or her in a non-confrontational manner
about the changes that you notice. Be specific rather than general and focus on
the problem as you see it – not the child as a whole. However, be prepared for a
defensive reaction, and listen and ask questions. Be willing to help your
adolescent talk through problems, rather than immediately giving solutions or
making demands on them.
If your efforts to talk with your child do not appear to be working at all, you
might get an outside perspective from a close and trusted friend or relative. You
also can seek support, guidance and direction on dealing with your teen through:
 SCHOOL Hendon offers a wide range of pastoral support services for
students struggling with their social or emotional development. Contact
your child's Head of Year with any significant concerns over their
progress - you may be able help the school in identifying issues before
they develop and helping to target early intervention. Alternately, we
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may already be noticing things at school that you are not able to observe
(through time spent with friends etc) in your child’s behaviour at home.
 LOCAL COMMUNITY AGENCIES. Barnet offers a range of services to
families through a range of agencies. The most helpful resource is a new
directory called ‘DIRECT ME’. Copies are available in local libraries
and it is also available online at www.barnet.gov.uk/directme.
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