All Rights Reserved © 2014
THIS YEAR I RESOLVE…
 To say 'what?' as many times as it takes
to understand what the other person actually said, even if he gives up.
 To put suspicious quotation marks in every
text I send; e.g., I just "had my dinner".
 To make the time to talk in rhyme
 To give calendars showcasing pictures of me
and give them to friends so they remember me every day
all year
 To answer the question 'how old are you
now?' in months.
 To finally get that doormat for my front
door that says 'Leave.'
 To actually create a font for sarcasm
 To get rid of same old boring excuses and come up with
new ones.
 To buy bigger clothes, because resolving to lose weight is
SO TOTALLY overdone.
 To quit smoking...my own cigarettes.
 To maintain a normal breathing pattern
after climbing 2 flights of stairs to prove
that I am fit
 To put embarrassing things in other people's shopping cart at the supermarket
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NONE OF MY PATIENTS ARE HYPOCHONDRIACS, BUT YOU SHOULD SEE SOME OF THEIR OWNERS - A VETERINARIAN
GLORY TO GOD IN THE HIGHEST, AND PEACE ON EARTH TO MEN
WIN ONE, LOSE ONE
A group of four friends went deer hunting. They paired off in
twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned
alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Hey,” the others asked, “where's Henry?"
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple
of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter
replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the
deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"
EXERCISE CLASS
"All right, everybody on their backs with their feet up in the
air!" the instructor shouted to the senior citizens gathered for
their weekly work out. "I want you to pretend that you're riding a bicycle."
Dropping to the floor, the elderly group began
kicking their legs in the sky--all except for
one man who slowly moved one foot in the
air while the other leg lay limp on the floor.
"What's wrong with you?" asked the teacher.
"Isn't it obvious?" said the man. "I've got a
flat tire."
DON’T RUSH ME! I'VE ONLY GOT ONE OTHER SPEED, AND IT'S SLOWER!
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE AREN'T THINGS AT ALL
FINANCIAL RESOLUTIONS FOR 2014
It’s time for New Year’s resolutions. This year, why not make a
few financial ones? For starters, resolve to boost your contributions
to your retirement plans, such as your IRA and your 401(k). These
tax-advantaged accounts can be good options for your retirement
savings strategy.
Also, try to reduce your debt load. It’s not always easy, but the lower your debt payments, the more money you’ll have available to
invest. Here’s another resolution: Build an emergency fund containing 6-12 months’ worth of living expenses, with the money held in
a liquid account. Such a fund will help you avoid dipping into longterm investments for emergencies, like a new furnace or major car
repair. Another key resolution: Make sure your protection needs are
met with proper amounts of life and disability insurance.
Finally, resolve not to overreact to market volatility. You’ll help
yourself greatly by following an appropriate investment strategy in
every market environment. Work to turn these resolutions into realities. Your efforts could pay off well beyond 2014.
Please contact: Darnell Grossi, your Edward Jones financial advisor located at 5301 S Superstition Mtn Dr, Ste A110, Gold Canyon, AZ 85118 or 480 983 1333. Member SIPC
NOW IS THE TIME TO MAKE YOUR NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS. NEXT WEEK YOU CAN BEGIN PAVING THE ROAD TO HELL WITH THEM AS USUAL
WHEN DID THEY LET KIDS BECOME POLICEMEN?
WE HAVE SEEN HIS GLORY, THE GLORY OF THE ONE AND ONLY, WHO CAME FROM THE FATHER, FULL OF GRACE AND TRUTH—JOHN 1:14
FREEDOM BEGINS BETWEEN THE EARS
CORDUROY PILLOWS ARE MAKING HEADLINES
I'M A WALKING STOREROOM OF FACTS..... IT’S JUST THAT I’VE LOST THE KEY TO THE STOREROOM DOOR
I'M SURE EVERYTHING I CAN'T FIND IS IN A SAFE AND SECURE PLACE SOMEWHERE
AS I AGE I'M HAVING TROUBLE REMEMBERING EVEN SIMPLE WORDS LIKE.......
GOOD RESOLUTIONS ARE SIMPLY CHECKS THAT MEN DRAW ON A BANK WHERE THEY HAVE NO ACCOUNT
NEVER JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS MOVIE
¥ It was noted American writer and essayist
Flannery O'Connor who made the following
sage observation: "Truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it."
A HANGOVER IS THE WRATH OF GRAPES
¥ Even though the human brain makes up only
2 percent of the body's mass, it consumes 20
percent of the body's calories and oxygen.
¥ The chief translator for the European Parliament is named
Ioannis Ikonomou. He is fluent in 32 languages -- and still
learning.
THE 1960’S MOVEMENT TO BAN THE BRA WAS A BIG FLOP
¥ During World War I, the United States acquired its first
"war dog." The pit bull was found wandering around Yale
Field in New Haven, Conn., by soldiers in training. On particular soldier, Cpl. Robert Conroy, became close to the dog and
refused to leave Stubby behind; when Conroy was shipped
out, he hid the dog on board. Stubby served overseas for 18
months and saw action in 17 battles. On more than
one occasion he sniffed out surprise attacks,
saving his regiment. He was known for locating
wounded soldiers on the field, and he even once
caught a German spy. He was the most decorated dog of the Great War, and he was promoted to sergeant for
his combat service -- the only dog to be so honored. After the
war, Sgt. Stubby was hailed as a hero; he led parades and met
three presidents. He even has his very own brick at the World
War I Memorial. It reads, "Sergeant Stubby, Hero Dog of
WWI, a Brave Stray."
¥ Those who study such things say that couples in
a romantic relationship actually have heart
rates that are in sync with each other.
¥ If you're like the average American,
you drink 23 gallons of coffee every
year, but only 9 gallons of tea.
***
Thought for the Day: "Research is what
I'm doing when I don't know what I'm
doing." -- Wernher Von Braun
(c) 2013 King Features Synd., Inc.
THE HARD PART ABOUT BEING A BARTENDER IS FIGURING OUT WHO IS DRUNK AND WHO IS JUST STUPID
IS A BOOK ON VOYEURISM A PEEPING TOME?
LAST YEAR'S WORDS BELONG TO LAST YEAR'S LANGUAGE AND NEXT YEAR'S WORDS AWAIT ANOTHER VOICE
A PESSIMIST'S BLOOD TYPE IS ALWAYS B-NEGATIVE
ISN’T IT BETTER FOR CIVILIZATION TO BE GOING DOWN THE DRAIN THAN TO BE COMING UP OUT OF IT
SUPERSTITION IS THE RELIGION OF THE FEEBLE-MINDED
POLITICS BEING A BATTLE OF THE BRAINS, IT'S VERY BRAVE FOR SO MANY OF OUR OFFICIALS TO FIGHT COMPLETELY UNARMED
I'M BEGINNING TO REALIZE THAT AGING IS NOT FOR WIMPS
¥ On Jan. 17, 1865, Union Gen. William T. Sherman's army is delayed in Savannah, Ga., by 10
days of rain as it waits to begin marching into the
Carolinas. Just as Sherman and his army had
destroyed nearly everything in its path in Georgia, Sherman planned to subject the Carolinas to
the same brutal treatment.
¥ On Jan. 15, 1936, Edsel Ford, son of auto pioneer Henry
Ford, forms a philanthropic organization called the Ford
Foundation with a donation of $25,000. The foundation was
established in part as a legal way for the Ford family to avoid
inheritance taxes.
¥ On Jan. 16, 1919, the 18th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, prohibiting the "manufacture, sale, or transportation of intoxicating liquors for
beverage purposes," is ratified and
becomes law. In 1933, the 21st
Amendment to the Constitution repealed prohibition.
TO MAKE AN END IS TO MAKE A BEGINNING
AN OPTIMIST STAYS UP UNTIL MIDNIGHT TO SEE THE NEW YEAR IN. A PESSIMIST STAYS UP TO MAKE SURE THE OLD YEAR LEAVES
¥ On Jan. 14, 1954, Hollywood star
Marilyn Monroe marries New York
Yankees slugger Joe DiMaggio. The
marriage barely got past the honeymoon, and they were divorced 274
days later. In her filing, Monroe accused
her husband of "mental cruelty."
¥ On Jan. 13, 1962, comedian Ernie Kovacs, who hosted his
own television shows during the 1950s, dies after crashing his
Chevrolet Corvair into a telephone pole in Los Angeles while
driving in a rainstorm. The Corvair was made infamous by
Ralph Nader's ¥ On Jan. 18, 1985, for the first time since joining the World Court in 1946, the United States walks out of a
case, this one concerning U.S. paramilitary activities against
the Nicaraguan government. The Court decided against the
United States; it charged that the U.S. violated international
law with its actions against the Sandinistas.
¥ On Jan. 19, 1977, President Gerald
Ford pardons "Tokyo Rose," a JapaneseAmerican woman named Iva Toguri.
Toguri and other women had broadcast
sentimental American music and phony
announcements in a vain attempt to destroy the morale of Allied soldiers during
World War II.
(c) 2013 King Features Synd., Inc.
DOES THE NAME PAVLOV RING A BELL?
A SUCCESSFUL DIET IS THE TRIUMPH OF MIND OVER PLATTER
MY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION? I PLAN TO FINISH EVERYTHING I START AND NOT LEAVE ANYTHING UNFINIS...
2. ANIMAL KINGDOM: What is a beaver's home called?
3. LANGUAGE: In the international phonetic alphabet, what
word represents the letter "Y"?
4. MONEY: What is the basic currency of Poland?
5. GEOGRAPHY: What nation is Baffin Island a part of?
6. TELEVISION: Who was Steve McGarrett's nemesis in the
series "Hawaii Five-O"?
7. HISTORY: Who was the first postmaster general appointed
by America's Continental Congress?
8. MOVIES: Which two comedians starred as friends in the
movie "Stripes"?
9. MEDICINE: What is trepanning?
10. SCIENCE: How fast do hummingbirds' wings move?
Answers
1. Frederic Bartholdi
2. A lodge
3. Yankee
4. Zloty
5. Canada
6. Wo Fat
(c) 2013 King Features Synd., Inc.
7. Benjamin Franklin
8. Bill Murray and Harold Ramis
9. Cutting a hole in the skull to
relieve pressure
10. Their wings flap between 12
and 80 times a second.
THEY SURE ARE MAKING ADULTS MUCH YOUNGER THESE DAYS
1. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE: Who designed the Statue of
Liberty?
I COULDN’T WAIT FOR SUCCESS SO I WENT AHEAD WITHOUT IT
A WISE MAN LEARNS BY OTHERS MISTAKES, A FOOL BY HIS OWN
SHOTGUN WEDDING: A CASE OF WIFE OR DEATH
NOTHING CAN SEPARATE US FROM THE LOVE OF GOD
I USED TO WORK IN A BLANKET FACTORY, BUT IT FOLDED
I'VE ALWAYS FELT ENGLAND WAS A GREAT PLACE TO WORK. IT'S AN ISLAND AND THE AUDIENCE CAN'T RUN VERY FAR. -BOB HOPE
TIME FLIES LIKE AN ARROW. FRUIT FLIES LIKE A BANANA
SPEEDING TICKET—A TAX ON IMPATIENCE