Grace and Courtesy –it’s more than just good
manners!
One reason that Maria Montessori did not write a curriculum is because
customs and cultures are so varied in different parts of the world (and what
is considered polite in one culture may be considered an insult in another!)
But she was quite clear that the children will absorb the culture of their
homeland through interactions with their environment, and she encouraged
us to prepare classrooms that are culturally rich. This also applies to social
interactions and customs.
Even though acquisition of culture may be the Direct Aim of Grace and
Courtesy lessons, its genius lies in the Indirect Aims (which are many),
as it touches every aspect of the classroom.
Returning lessons to shelf in good order and “ready for the next person”,
requires thinking and concentration, attention to detail, control of movement
(to carry it carefully through the room and set it down in its proper place),
and an awareness of the world outside of themselves. The motivator for the
child’s efforts is not the teacher (or adherence to classroom “rules”), but
their natural desire to be a part of their community. The child learns to
articulate the language of respectful dialog, and to be aware of his own
feelings and the feelings of others.
They also learn a deeper level of independence. Rather than keeping
children in desks, Dr. Montessori argued that children were more than
capable of learning the social graces that would lead to a calm and
peaceful classroom (and not the disruptive chaos her skeptics predicted), if
only we would teach them. The children learn to carefully open and close
doors, to greet visitors, to choose words intentionally, and to generally to be
mindful of their actions and the effects on their surroundings.
Dr. Montessori trusted her teachers to look to the culture in which they
lived, and provide for the child what they would need to be successful.
All Montessori lessons have not only Direct and Indirect Aims, but they also
have Points of Interests. While these may not apply in every culture, I have
compiled a list of possibilities:
a. asking to pass saying “May I pass please?” and allowing time
b.
c.
d.
e.
f.
g.
h.
i.
j.
k.
l.
m.
n.
o.
p.
q.
r.
s.
t.
u.
v.
w.
x.
y.
for others to move aside (rather than pushing your way through
or saying “move”)
allowing others to pass in front of you, or to go first
to walk around rugs and people on the floor, rather than
stepping over them
walking slowly and watching where you are going (as to not
bump into others or step on their work)
going to the person when you wish to speak to them, waiting
until they look at you (or putting your hand on their shoulder),
and speaking softly… so as to not interrupt others working
nearby
how to ask for a turn
how to pass an item
how to open and close doors
how to greet (visitors, and each other)
how to introduce yourself
how to carry an item (with thumbs on top and fingers
underneath) and to set it down quietly
putting things away in good order and ready for the next person
learning how to wait
learning how to accept “no” for an answer…when it is
appropriate (saying “Oh well, maybe next time.”)
not interrupting other children’s work or concentration
using kind tones (voice) when we are speaking (rather than
whining or yelling)
saying kind words occasionally (giving compliments or
encouragement to others)
saying please, thank you, you’re welcome, etc.
what to say if someone is mean to you
being honest about our needs and speaking up for ourselves
how to bring a problem to a teacher or to ask for help (learning
to identify critical from non-critical problems)
responding (looking) when someone says your name
respecting the age and abilities of others (older and younger)
being aware of your body in time and space and learning self
control
saying excuse me if you bump into someone
z. how to line up (keeping hands to oneself, not saving spaces,
etc.)
and…
anything else that shows itself to be necessary in your
environment!
In the infant and toddler communities, these lessons must be modeled daily
by the adults in the classroom. Children seeking words for feelings, or how
to interact with another child, can be given language to help them make
progress. However, great care is given to not push the child to say or do
anything they do not mean (for example, our goal is not instruct a child to
tell another they are sorry, if indeed they are not). Rather, if a child is stuck
behind a table or shelf, we can tell them the word “stuck” so they can better
communicate their needs. These lessons may be given individually, or in
small or large groups. If appropriate, be creative and have fun. Make up
new lessons as needed, as the list above is not exhaustive.
Later, rather than correcting a child’s movements or behavior, you can
revisit the lesson and practice it together.
Remember that once you tell a child that it is important for them to do
something in a certain way, it would be hypocritical to let them see you do
the same activity carelessly. Children are always watching and mindful, not
only of your actions, but also of the spirit in which you do your work.
Grace and courtesy is outwardly about showing consideration and respect
for others, while inwardly crystallizing the natural empathy and love of a
child, by giving it language and bringing it into conscious thought and effort
(which is so much more than just saying please and thank you!)