The Mermaid’s Legs, Excerpt
© Ayun Halliday, 2014
SYDNEY
The Sea King had been a widower for many years, and his aged mother kept house for him. She
was a very wise woman, and exceedingly proud of her high birth; on that account she wore
twelve oysters on her tail.
(SYDNEY turns to reveal 12 cardboard oysters clothes pinned to her butt as other cast members
enter)
IZZY
While others, also of high rank, were allowed only six.
(Glumly, the other cast members turn to waggle six fingers behind their butts.)
VALENTINA
She took wonderful care of her granddaughters, the six little sea princesses.
(Six cast members pull scraps of fabric from their pockets, animating them with darting fishlike
gestures to become the six mermaid sisters. The remaining four wander among them, full of
wonder.)
KAI
They were all beautiful; but the youngest was the prettiest of all.
EMILY
Like the others, she had no feet, and her body ended in a fish’s tail.
MAX
All day long they played in the great halls of the castle, or among the living flowers that grew out
of the walls.
DAN
Fish swam in through the open windows to eat from the princesses’ hands.
MILO
Outside the castle was a beautiful garden, its blossoms like flames of fire; its orchards glittering
like gold.
LEO
In calm weather, the sun could be seen, like a purple flower, with light streaming from the calyx.
QUINTIN
(breaking the rapturous mood) Excuse me, does anyone mind if I just interject a little
something?
(The others freeze, confused.)
QUINTIN
Who’s playing the Little Mermaid?
(Awkward pause)
EMILY
What’s it say in the program?
(DAN grabs an audience member’s program)
DAN
It doesn’t.
(QUINTIN drags IZZY forward.)
QUINTIN
Okay, in that case, I nominate Izzy.
VALENTINA
What!?
KAI
(simultaneously) That’s not fair!
EMILY
(simultaneously) You don’t get to decide!
MILO
What about Kai? She’s the shortest.
MAX
(to MILO) Sizeist!
DAN
(to MILO) Genderist!
ALL GIRLS
What?!
DAN
What, the little Mermaid can’t be a guy?
VALENTINA
(confrontational) If Disney had wanted a guy, they’d have called it the Little Merman.
EMILY
(outraged by Valentina’s ignorance) Disney?!
LEO
What’s wrong with Disney?
EMILY
(to VALENTINA) You think Disney invented the Little Mermaid?!
QUINTIN
I still say it should be Izzy.
(This suggestion is greeted with general improvised indignation.)
SYDNEY
(shouting) Would everyone please just stop and listen for a sec?! No one is the Little Mermaid!
IZZY
What!?
DAN
Well, that’s the show!
SYDNEY
Fine, everyone is the Little Mermaid, how about that?
MAX
(suspiciously) Even the guys?
SYDNEY
Yes. Everyone gets a chance. Just not all at once.
(MAX’S smile blooms as he realizes his impossible dream is coming true at last.)
SYDNEY
Whoever’s on board say aye.
(One by one the cast falls in, singing rather than speaks their individual ‘aye’s, pitched to
become “Ariel’s Theme” from the Disney movie. They are bewildered by this development, but
finish as one voice, coming together in a dramatic mermaids-gazing-out-to-sea-atop-a-craggy
rock tableau. They hold this pose until Milo breaks the spell.)
MILO
(stage whisper) Who’s the Little Mermaid now?
SYDNEY
This piece of cloth.
(SYDNEY tosses one of the cloth scrap “puppets” to VALENTINA. ALL except MILO and
VALENTINA exit. VALENTINA animates the Little Mermaid puppet, by having it swim
curiously around THE PRINCE’S STATUE (MILO) throughout the next section.)
VALENTINA
Each of the princesses had a plot in the garden, to do with as she pleased. The youngest’s was the
same shape as the sun, with flowers as red as our human sunsets.
(THE OTHERS enter in conga line formation, proudly displaying all manner of plastic oceanbound trash. They parade in a circle around VALENTINA and THE PRINCE’s STATUE .)
ALL EXCEPT VALENTINA AND MILO
Her sisters filled their gardens to overflowing with all the wonderful things they obtained from
the wrecks of vessels!
(THE OTHERS exit, still in conga line formation.)
VALENTINA
But the Little Mermaid cared only for her flowers and a single marble statue of a boy that had
fallen to the bottom of the sea from a wreck.
(Valentina brings the puppet-cloth to Milo’s lips, makes a kissing sound, then swims it away.)
QUINTIN
(slightly louder than a stage whisper, confused) So is Milo the prince?
KAI
Shut up, “Grandma”.
(KAI clips Grandmother’s 12 oyster ornament to QUINTIN’s butt and clips a jeweled butterfly
clip in his hair as a tiara)
QUINTIN
Ow!
VALENTINA
(hurriedly) Nothing gave the Little Mermaid more pleasure than to listen to her old grandmother
tell her all she knew about the world above the sea, the ships and towns and people and animals.
(A large blue exercise ball is rolled to center stage, for GRANDMOTHER to sit on. The
OTHERS sit in a horseshoe formation around her.)
GRANDMOTHER (QUINTIN)
The flowers of the land have fragrance.
(All gasp appreciatively.)
GRANDMOTHER (QUINTIN)
The trees of their forests are green.
(ALL EXCEPT QUINTIN react with improvised disbelief: Green! No way! etc…)
GRANDMOTHER (QUINTIN)
And on the branches of those trees, there are fish that build nests and sing like this.
(QUINTIN whistles and flaps his hands like wings. ALL dutifully mimic him, amazed.)
GRANDMOTHER (QUINTIN)
And on your 15th birthday you will have permission to rise up out of the sea, to see the great
ships and the forests and towns.
LEO
(discreetly) Hey Emily, how old are you, again?
EMILY
(taken aback) I'm 14.
IZZY
Hey, me too.
MILO
Me too.
QUINTIN
Raise your hand if you're 14.
DAN
16?
SYDNEY
I'm 17. I'm old.
VALENTINA
Isn't anyone here 15?
(Beat.)
KAI
I'm 15.
(ALL except KAI nod knowingly.)
VALENTINA
Each mermaid pledged to remember everything she saw or did on her 15th birthday, in order to
tell her younger sisters.
IZZY
(gazing up) None of them longed for her turn so much as the youngest, she who had the longest
to wait.
LEO
Soon the eldest turned fifteen.
(QUINTIN rolls the ball offstage, and sits on the floor, replacing SYDNEY, who steps to the
center.)
FIRST SISTER (SYDNEY)
Close your eyes.
(All except SYDNEY cover their eyes with hands, palms out, revealing eyes drawn on their
palms.)
FIRST SISTER (SYDNEY)
The most beautiful was lying in the moonlight, on a sandbank near the coast. There was a town
with lights like hundreds of stars. I heard music, the noise of carriages, bells from church
steeples and the voices of human beings…
(The others lower their hands and look at each other, awed.)
KAI
In another year the second sister received permission to rise to the surface of the water.
(SYDNEY sits. IZZY steps into the center of the circle.)
SECOND SISTER (IZZY)
Close your eyes.
(All except IZZY cover their eyes with hands, palms out.)
SECOND SISTER (IZZY)
I rose just as the sun was setting. The sky looked like gold. The clouds were violet and rosecolored. I’m sorry, I’m not describing this very well. All of a sudden, this flock of wild swans
flew in front of the setting sun. It looked like a long white veil. I swam towards the sun, but it
sank into the waves before I could reach it. The sea glowed and faded.
(The others lower their hands and look at each other, awed.)
DAN
The third sister’s turn followed.
(IZZY sits. MAX steps to the center of the circle.)
THIRD SISTER (MAX)
Eyes...
(MAX waits until the others cover their eyes, palms out)
THIRD SISTER (MAX)
I found a broad river that emptied into the sea and swam up that. On the banks were green hills
covered with vines. I saw palaces and castles and trees like in the forest; I heard birds singing.
(ALL except MAX gently tweet and flap as GRANDMA taught them.)
THIRD SISTER (MAX)
The sun was so strong, I had to dive back down to cool my burning face. There was a narrow
creek. I found a troop of human children playing in the water. They were quite nakedALL BUT MAX
Like us!
THIRD SISTER (MAX)
I would have played with them, but they were frightened. They fled. A little black animal came
to the water. Like...
(MAX yaps ferociously. The others lower their hands in fear.)
THIRD SISTER (MAX)
Terrifying! That was it for me. Worth it, though. I’ll remember those children for as long as I
live. How could they could swim without tails?
(MAX sits. LEO steps to the center of the circle.)
EMILY
The fourth sister was more timid. She remained in the midst of the sea.
(The others put their hand over their eyes, palms out, no prompting necessary.)
FOURTH SISTER (LEO)
But it’s just as beautiful there as nearer the land. You can see for miles! The sky looked like a
bell.
DAN
Did you see ships?
FOURTH SISTER (LEO)
In the distance. They looked like seagulls. Oh, and I saw dolphins!
(This revelation is met with improvised approval: “Aw!” “Cute…” “ I love dolphins!”)
FOURTH SISTER (LEO)
I saw whales with water shooting up out of their nostrils.
(This revelation is met with improvised revulsion: “You did not!” “TMI” “That’s disgusting!”)
FOURTH SISTER (LEO)
No, it was cool! It looked like a hundred fountains going in every direction.
(All applaud. LEO sits. MILO steps to the center as the others put their hands over their eyes,
palms out, and shiver.)
QUINTIN
The fifth sister’s birthday occurred in the winter.
FIFTH SISTER (MILO)
The sea was greenVALENTINA
(skeptically) Green!?
FIFTH SISTER (MILO)
There were giant icebergs(VALENTINA lowers her hands.)
VALENTINA
Wait, time out. When was the Titanic?
FIFTH SISTER (MILO)
1912.
VALENTINA
(craftily) And when did Hans Christian Andersen write the Little Mermaid?
FIFTH SISTER (MILO)
1836.
VALENTINA
Damn. Okay, keep going.
(VALENTINA puts her hands back over her eyes, palms out.)
FIFTH SISTER (MILO)
Icebergs floated like giant pearls, bigger than the churches built by men. No, not pearls diamonds. I sat down on one of the largest(VALENTINA lowers her hands.)
VALENTINA
Oh my god, wasn’t it freezing?
FIFTH SISTER (MILO)
(irritably) Do you want to hear this...?
(VALENTINA puts her hands back up.)
FIFTH SISTER (MILO)
I sat on one of the largest, letting the wind play with my hair. The ships sailed quickly past,
steering as far from my iceberg as they could. They were afraid, I think. Towards evening, the
sun went down, dark clouds covered the sky and then(SOUND CUE: Thunder)
FIFTH SISTER (MILO)
And also(SOUND CUE: Thunder. LIGHT CUE: Lightning. ALL EXCEPT MILO make wind noises,
rocking and tossing throughout the FIFTH SISTER’s remaining lines, their hands still over their
eyes, their faces untroubled. )
FIFTH SISTER (MILO)
The icebergs glowed red as they rocked and tossed on the heaving sea. The ships were freaking
out!
QUINTIN
(shouting over the wind) What did you do?
FIFTH SISTER (MILO)
(shouting back) I sat on my iceberg watching the lightning hitting the sea!
(MILO flings himself back into the circle and freezes with the others. LEO steps to the center of
the circle.
LEO
When I was 3, my mother, older brother and I went to the Black Sea. We rented one of these
things… in Russian, it’s “Katamaran.” I believe the English word is paddleboat. Our plan was to
pedal to a faraway beach. My mother and Simon were pedaling in the front seats. I was riding in
back. We’d made it so far out we could hardly see the shore. That’s when we realized a storm
was coming. We tried to turn back, but no matter how hard my brother and mother pedaled, we
kept drifting further away from the beach, straight toward a jagged rocky cliff jutting out into the
water. Then the storm hit. (confessionally) I actually remember very little of this. I was curled up
in a blue towel in the back. My mother’s the one who told me.
(EMILY retrieves the giant book SYDNEY was reading from earlier.)
EMILY
(reading) When first the sisters had permission to rise to the surface, they were delighted with
the new and beautiful sights but now, as they grew older, and could go whenever they pleased,
they became indifferent.
(SYDNEY, IZZY, MAX, LEO and MILO, as the SISTERS, stand on their lines, coming together
in a contemptuous teenage clump.)
FIRST SISTER (SYDNEY)
It’s boring up there.
SECOND SISTER (IZZY)
I know, right?
THIRD SISTER (MAX)
It’s so much better down here.
FOURTH SISTER (LEO)
Seriously.
FIFTH SISTER (MILO)
It’s like, why even go up there when you can stay down here?
EMILY
(reading ) Yet often, in the evening hours, the five who were old enough would twine their arms
round each other, and rise to the surface in a row.
(THE SISTERS pivot upstage, wrap their arms around each other’s waists and rise, wriggling on
tip toe, then stride upstage. ALL except EMILY follow them, grabbing any instrument that might
lend itself to a vintage-sounding ukulele tune - kazoo, washboard, shakers, etc…)
EMILY
(reading ) Whenever a storm was approaching and it looked like a ship would be lost, they swam
before the vessel, and sang sweetly of the delights to be found in the depths of the sea, so the
doomed sailors would not fear their trip to the bottom.
(EMILY gestures to the gathered musicians as she wake upstage to join them.)
EMILY
Their voices were more lovely than any human voice could ever be.
ALL
(singing)
You’re just a wave away
From living the Mermaid way
Take a deep drink of brine
What a wonderful time!
There’s nothing for you to dread
Though air is leaving your head
Disneyland for less than a dime
What a wonderful time!
Why torture yourself by staying alive?
It will be over the moment you arrive.
Forget your life on the land
Darling, come lie in the sand
Buried underneath the slime
What a wonderful time!
EMILY
Sadly, the sailors could not understand the song. To them, it sounded like the howling of a storm
that was about to kill them.
(QUINTIN and VALENTINA backstroke frantically.)
QUINTIN
Even if they could’ve made out the words, the delights the mermaids sang of wouldn’t have
sounded very good to them.
VALENTINA
They didn’t want to drown!
QUINTIN
Even if drowning meant their bodies would eventually reach the palace of the Sea King.
DAN
Finally, the Little Mermaid reached her fifteenth year.
IZZY
Wait, does she have a name?
THE TECH GUY
Ariel!
KAI
Please, that was just something they made up for the Disney movie.
(IZZY and EMILY stuff KAI into a mermaid’s tail as the others shout improvised mermaid
name suggestions, creating an air of general chaos.)
DAN
Guys!
(The others calm down as they slouch upstage.)
DAN
Finally, the Little Mermaid reached her fifteenth year.
(The exercise gal is rolled back out as DAN equips himself with the GRANDMOTHER tiara and
12-oyster-butt-ornament. DAN sits. KAI stands before him as the LITTLE MERMAID.)
GRANDMOTHER (DAN)
So now you are grown up. You must let me adorn you like your other sisters.
MAX
The old lady ordered eight great oysters to attach themselves to the Little Mermaid’s tail to show
her high rank.
(GRANDMOTHER peels oyster stickers off a page, counting as she slaps them onto the LITTLE
MERMAID’s butt with gusto.)
GRANDMOTHER (DAN)
One…two…
LITTLE MERMAID (KAI)
Ow! That hurts!
GRANDMOTHER (DAN)
Pride must suffer pain. Three…four…
LITTLE MERMAID (KAI)
Ow!
GRANDMOTHER (DAN)
Five…six…seven…
LITTLE MERMAID (KAI)
So help me if you slap another one of thoseGRANDMOTHER (DAN)
Ah-ah-ah.
(GRANDMOTHER applies the final oyster without comment. The LITTLE MERMAID whirls
around, furiously, but GRANDMOTHER is already exiting, rolling her ball ahead of her.)
DAN as GRANDMOTHER
Farewell!
(VALENTINA and MAX unfurl a long blue cloth downstage, til it spans the stage at chest
height. The others come upstage of it on their lines, gripping the top edge to help VALENTINA
and MAX create gentle ripples. THE LITTLE MERMAID (KAI) swims downstage of it,
maintaining a respectful, but curious remove.)
SYDNEY
The sun had just setIZZY
The sea was calmVALENTINA
The air was mild.
(MILO holds a toy sailing vessel along sea’s upper edge, moving it in time with the ripples)
MILO
A large ship lay becalmed on the water.
MAX
The sailors sat idle on deck or amongst the rigging.
EMILY
As darkness came on, a hundred lanterns were lighted.
LEO
A number of well dressed people were within, celebrating the birthday of a young prince.
(THE LITTLE MERMAID swims closer to the ship, separated from the others by the cloth)
LITTLE MERMAID (KAI)
Whoa…
DAN
When he came out of the cabin, more than a hundred rockets rose in the air.
(ALL except KAI create fireworks by splaying their hands in staccato bursts overhead)
ALL EXCEPT KAI
Boom, boom-boom-boom, boom!
(LITTLE MERMAID screams in terror, dives down to cower on the ocean’s floor, then pops
back up indignantly.)
LITTLE MERMAID (KAI)
What the hell was that!?
QUINTIN
Looks like someone’s never seen fireworks before.
LITTLE MERMAID reaches toward the ship as she paddles backward, away from it, singing in
a light high monotone.
LITTLE MERMAID (KAI)
I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you.
(KAI tosses a tail to Quintin.)
KAI
You’re up.
(KAI strips off her own tail and goes to join the others behind the sea.)
QUINTIN
(confused) I’m the Little Mermaid?
KAI
(sardonically) You’ll do great.
LEO
It’s very late now.
VALENTINA
The lanterns have been extinguished.
MAX
No more fireworks.
DAN
The sea’s becoming restless(Those who have hands on the sea begin to shake and snap the fabric with increasing vigor.)
IZZY
Look at those clouds...
THE TECH GUY
(joyfully, from tech booth) Here it comes!
(SOUND CUE: Storm with thunder claps and lightning cracks. ALL except QUINTIN flail,
snapping the cloth in desperation. The LITTLE MERMAID (Quintin) watches delightedly,
treading water and swimming downstage of the sea.)
EMILY
The ship tried to outsail the raging sea!
DAN
The waves rose mountains high!
LITTLE MERMAID (QUINTIN)
This is awesome!
SYDNEY
To the little mermaid this appeared pleasant sport!
KAI
Not so to the sailors!
SYDNEY
Down with the topmast!
KAI
Lower! Lower!
SYDNEY
Bring her to try with maincourse!
LITTLE MERMAID (QUINTIN)
Wheeeee!!!!
(LIGHT CUE: Lightning. ALL freeze except MAX and VALENTINA who step downstage of
the sea)
MAX
And now a brief lesson in the history of communication by semaphore and naval signal flag.
VALENTINA
Semaphore is an alphabet comprised of flags and arm gestures(ALL except MAX and VALENTINA drop the sea, for a synchronized demonstration of the
semaphore alphabet, whispering the corresponding letter to each new gesture.)
MAX
The disadvantages of this system being the time it takes to spell the message, the near
impossibility of making out said message in the dark, and the difficulty of keeping the message a
secret.
VALENTINA
So the navy developed a series of signal flags for commonly communicated messages. One
message, one flag.
(THE TECH GUY enters from booth to model a series of small signal the flags for the lesson)
MAX
I am directing my course starboard.
VALENTINA
I am on fire and have dangerous cargo; keep clear.
MAX
Coming alongside.
VALENTINA
Man overboard.
MAX
Coming alongside.
VALENTINA
Man overboard.
(MAX and VALENTINA continue this exchange as the TECH GUY returns to the booth. SOUND
CUE: the storm, as before. MAX, VALENTINA and the others frantically raise the cloth back up,
snapping and flailing as the LITTLE MERMAID backstrokes unconcernedly downstage.)
EMILY
Mercy on us!
SYDNEY
We split!
KAI
We split!
DAN
Farewell, my wife and children!
MILO
Farewell, brother!
IZZY
We split!
VALENTINA
They split!
MAX
They split!
(The toy ship sinks.)
LEO
The little mermaid suddenly perceived that the crew was in danger.
LITTLE MERMAID (QUINTIN)
Ooh...that ain’t good.
LEO
Even she had to be careful to avoid the wreckage churning the water. A flash of lightning
revealed the whole scene.
(LEO ducks down. LIGHT CUE: Lightning. ALL others except the LITTLE MERMAID freeze)
LITTLE MERMAID (QUINTIN)
Where’s the prince?
MILO
What about the sailors? Are the sailors okay?
LITTLE MERMAID (QUINTIN)
Forget the sailors! Where’s the prince?!?
EMILY
She searched among the beams and planks, forgetting that they could crush her.
SYDNEY
Finally she saw him, just barely managing to keep his head above water.
(The PRINCE (LEO) bobs to the surface, so that only his exhausted head is visible above the
sea’s top edge)
KAI
He would have died if she hadn’t come to his assistance.
(The PRINCE blows the whistle clenched in his teeth faintly)
DAN
Titanic reference?
IZZY
Obviously.
(LITTLE MERMAID swims upstage of the sea and cradles the PRINCE’s head, without
changing its position)
LITTLE MERMAID (QUINTIN)
I got you, I got you.
(MILO and EMILY step downstage of sea, assuming heroic vintage lifeguard poses.)
MILO
Do we need a brief lesson in water safety here?
EMILY
Why not? Might save a life.
(The TECH GUY begins to drown in the Tech Booth)
MILO
(theatrically) Uh oh! Looks like someone’s in trouble!
(EMILY stops MILO from rushing to the booth)
EMILY
Not so fast, friend! Remember the proper order of Water Rescue:
ALL
Reach, throw, row, go!
EMILY
One: Reach
(MILO extends a hand to the TECH GUY who is way beyond reach)
EMILY
Two: Throw.
MILO
Here, catch this! It’ll help you afloat til safety arrives!
(MILO grabs an audience member’s program, crumples it and tossing it in the TECH GUY’s
direction)
EMILY
Three: Row!
MILO
Here’s where we’d all jump in our boat and row out to our victim, but you saw what became of
the boat soLITTLE MERMAID (QUINTIN)
Four! Go!
EMILY
But only after you’ve exhausted all other options, after evaluating how much you value your own
personal life.
(MILO and EMILY wink and give the audience a thumbs up. MILO exits with MAX and DAN.
EMILY takes over MAX’s position at the end of the sea. )
KAI
By morning, the storm had ceased, and not a single fragment of the ship could be seen.
(The GIRLS slowly lower the sea during the following lines as the LITTLE MERMAID and the
PRINCE bend their knees so that their position doesn’t change with regard to the top edge.)
IZZY
And the sailors?
(KAI checks the book)
KAI
It doesn’t say.
SYDNEY
Look, he’s breathing!
EMILY
And his eyes are conveniently closed!
LITTLE MERMAID (QUINTIN)
(whispers) I love you, I love you, I love you more than that statue in my garden, even.
KAI
Presently they came in sight of land.
SYDNEY
Land?
(The GIRLS wait expectantly, their hands over their eyes, palms out, as KAI flips through the
book.)
KAI
Um…mountains, forests… A large building…a church or a convent maybe. A garden with
orange trees…lemon trees…palm trees.
(The GIRLS lower their hands in disappointment.)
IZZY
That doesn’t sound like Denmark.
SYDNEY
Sounds like the Cloisters.
KAI
Anyway...
(The LITTLE MERMAID gently lowers the unconscious PRINCE to the ground)
KAI
The Little Mermaid swam the handsome prince to the beach and arranged his body on the fine
white sand.
SYDNEY
Make sure his head is higher than his body.
(The LITTLE MERMAID shoots SYDNEY a look)
SYDNEY
What? It’s basic first aid!
KAI
The bells sounded in the large white building, and a number of young girls came into the garden.
(DAN, LEO and MILO enter as the YOUNG GIRLS, hamming it up, skipping, giggling, and
holding hands.)
YOUNG GIRL 1 (DAN)
Oh my!
YOUNG GIRL 2 (MAX)
What is that thing?
YOUNG GIRL 3 (MILO)
It’s a handsome young prince!
YOUNG GIRL 1 (DAN)
Don’t touch him!
YOUNG GIRL 2 (MAX)
Is he dead?
YOUNG GIRL 3 (MILO)
Let’s kiss him and find out!
KAI
(fiercely) Stop! Do it right. (to MILO) You! Get in your tail.
(MILO puts his tail on. The GIRLS fetch a toy theater. MAX and DAN operate the toy theater,
illustrating the story as the LITTLE MERMAID (QUINTIN) reads from the book.)
LITTLE MERMAID (QUINTIN)
The little mermaid watched from behind some high rocks as one of the girls approached the spot
where the prince lay. She saw him come to life again, and smile upon those the girl had
summoned to help him. But to the little mermaid he sent no smile. He had no idea that she had
saved him. When he had regained his legs, his rescuers led him away, into the great building,
where she could not follow.
(The BOYS put the toy theater away. QUINTIN hands the book to MILO, takes off his tail and
joins the OTHERS as they slouch against the wall. The LITTLE MERMAID (MILO) hops heavily
to center stage, clutching the book to his chest).
THE LITTLE MERMAID (MILO)
What a sucky birthday.
TECH GUY
Oh, hey, you’re back. So was it everything you’d hoped?
(THE LITTLE MERMAID (MILO) ignores him.)
TECH GUY
Party party party? ...Oookay.
KAI
Hey, I had a pretty sucky birthday too! On my eighth birthday, my family and I went to Hawaii,
partially to celebrate and partially to visit family. On my actual birthday, I got this fancy hairdo
and we were going out to dinner and a bird took a poo on my head, right on my hairdo. So that
was bad, but the rest was really great. We went to the rainforest, we walked along black sand
beaches, we went kayaking with dolphins and tried out all shaved ice places. Actually, now that I
think about it, it was a great birthday! Sorry yours is so sucky and all.
SYDNEY
The Little Mermaid returned again and again to the place where she had left the prince, but she
never saw him.
TECH GUY
So how’s it feel being 15?
VALENTINA
Shh, she’s depressed!
MAX
Her only comfort was to sit in her garden with her arms around the marble statue which
reminded her of the prince.
(The LITTLE MERMAID (MILO) holds his arms out, waiting.)
MAX
(irritably) Statue!
(LEO jumps center, and assuming the earlier stance for the STATUE OF THE PRINCE. The
LITTLE MERMAID (MILO) flings his arms around him.)
LEO
(consoling) C’mon, Ariel…(insert Audience Member’s name from earlier mermaid name improv
jam)…Rumplestilskin... There’s plenty of other fish in the sea.
DAN
Wow, super-helpful metaphor.
(DAN picks up the book.)
DAN
(reading) At first the Mermaids’ sisters kept the source of her sadness secret, but time went on,
and the Sea King’s other subjects began to find out and chat amongst themselves, and eventually,
thanks to the laws of probability, some nameless mermaid who - bit of trivia - is never mentioned
again was able to supply exact directions to the prince’s palace.
(VALENTINA eagerly claps her hands over her eyes, palms out)
VALENTINA
What did it look like?
DAN
What do you think? It’s a palace. (reading) Now that she knew where he lived, the Little
Mermaid could swim right up under the prince’s balcony, and watch him unaware.
VALENTINA
Like Juliet in reverse!