MOOC: Science of Relationships
THINKING AND PERCEIVING RELATIONSHIPS
SLIDE ONE
For this topic we will discuss how we think about and perceive others in our relationships. How accurate and biased
are we about our loved ones? How do we perceive our partners and how do we explain different events in our
relationships? We will touch on these types of questions here.
SLIDE TWO
Psychologists have found two basic ways that we process information. The first is automatic or associative meaning
that it happens very fast and usually occurs outside of our general awareness and we can’t really control it very well.
Controlled processing is different in that it takes effort to do. We cannot always use this kind of processing
particularly when we are overtired or burdened. We can also use rules due to needing to make decisions and solve
problems in our relationships. This is important to understand because how we process information and perceive
our partners in our relationships oftentimes happens automatically or outside of our control and is based on our
past experiences in relationships.
SLIDE THREE
Schemas are like categories or frameworks that we have about our world. We can have schemas about anything
from objects to people. Relational schemas have been proposed to be made up of 3 different components. The first
are your self-schemas, which are how you experience interactions with others. The second are partner schemas or
the attributes of the other person. And the third are interpersonal scripts or the expectations you have from past
situations. These experiences have ‘if then’ types of contingencies like “If my husband brings me flowers, then he
loves me.”
SLIDE FOUR
What is interesting about relational schemas is that when we think about specific relationships it activates the parts
of ourselves that operate in those relationships. And this can then carry over into other relationships. For example,
if a person is interacting with someone who reminds them of their mother they then start to act think and feel like
they do when are with their mother even though it is a different person.
SLIDE FIVE
Similarly Fitsimmons and Bargh found that when people just thought about a close friend, they were more likely to
help out a stranger who was canvassing the neighborhood asking for help with a charity. So simply thinking about
people we know impacts how we interact with others and this can happen without our knowledge outside of our
awareness.
SLIDE SIX
While intimate partners tend to have more factual knowledge about each other than strangers or close friends do
they can be quite biased in their perceptions as well. Much really depends on how motivated partners are to really
MOOC: Science of Relationships
understand each other’s perspectives. Mood also impacts our accuracy because when we are in a good mood we
view things more positively than they really are and if we are in a bad mood we see things more negatively.
SLIDE SEVEN
Empathetic accuracy refers to our ability to understand how and what our partners are thinking and feeling. In a
classic study by Bill Ickes he had couples discuss a topic that they regularly argued about with a video camera
recording their conversation. He then separated the couples to have them watch the tapes and describe what they
were thinking and feeling at different points on the tape. He then had them describe what they believed their
partners were thinking and feeling at different points. With this he could learn how accurate each partner was.
It is generally assumed that women make better readers than men but research has shown that it is motivation that
matters. When men are motivated they are just as accurate as women. People with lower status are generally more
motivated to be accurate because they are more dependent on the other person for outcomes like resources.
SLIDE EIGHT
There has been a lot of research showing that when we have positive illusions of our partners, meaning that we have
some realistic knowledge as well as an idealized vision of the person, then we are more satisfied in our relationship,
we have greater commitment and we even feel better about ourselves. Bear in mind that these are not total
distortions of reality but rather our partner’s faults are seen as not as faulty as others think them to be. Overall as
long as our idealization is not too far off from reality then these positive illusions are very beneficial for our long
term relationships.
SLIDE NINE
People will come up with different explanations for their own behavior than for others even in intimate relationships.
This can be illustrated by what we call the actor/observer effect. When something happens to you, you are more
aware of what is going on around you than you are for others. So if you get into an argument with your intimate
partner, you may know that you have had a rough day at work or have some back pain today but your partner does
not. This is the actor effect. The observer doesn’t have all this insider knowledge and will therefore assume that their
partner is doing something due to something internal. So the same argument might make the person think their
partner is just a temperamental or moody person rather than that they are just tired and therefore grumpy that day.
Only when partners really try to see things from their partner’s perspective can they decrease this effect. Remember
that your partner cannot read your mind and know all the things in your life that are affecting you and vice versa.
SLIDE TEN
The self-serving bias is when we take responsibility for good things and blame negative outcomes on others.
We find that even though we may not do this as strongly with really close partners, we still do it. For example when
couples argue and fight they will still generally blame the argument on the partner and not take responsibility for
their own role in it.
SLIDE ELEVEN
MOOC: Science of Relationships
When people are happy or unhappy in their relationships, this can impact how we make attributions or explanations
for our partner’s behaviors. Happy people will make relationship enhancing attributions. For example, if a partner
reaches out and holds the other’s hand he or she would interpret this action as intentional and something the
partner normally does. They would assume that this is internal and stable about them. If a partner is unhappy he or
she will make the opposite kinds of attributions and would interpret the handholding as not typical but maybe even
as motivated to get something else.
SLIDE TWELVE
We see opposite patterns for negative behaviors which we call transgressions. If the partner does something bad
such as forget an anniversary, a happy relationship partner would assume it is because of something external and
temporary like work stress. In contrast, an unhappy partner would interpret this negative behavior as something
internal or deliberate such as the partner being insensitive. This has been called a distress maintaining attributional
style.
Changing negative attribution styles can be difficult as they tend to be rooted in neuroticism or an erosion of trust
and disappointment in the relationship or past relationships.
SLIDE THIRTEEN
Many times our expectations in relationships become self-fulfilling prophesies meaning that our predictions come
true because we act in ways that make our expectations come true. For example, if you believe that your intimate
partner will be angry with you for spending time with some friends then you may communicate with him or her
more negatively when discussing the plans than in an open more engaging and positive way if you expected support
and just that simple way that you communicated about this can make your partner angry.
Sadly, people rarely see that they created the very situation that they expected. We often oftentimes get what we
expect from others and we do not see how we created our own reality. Over time people can create very different
kinds of social worlds than others because of these expectations.
SLIDE FOURTEEN
In summary, the way we process and even remember information about our relationships is strongly shaped by
factors such as our past experiences and mood. The accuracy of our perceptions is largely driven by our motivation
and ability to understand things from the other’s perspectives. And we can often use self-serving biases to explain
our and our partner’s behaviors and our explanations for events is impacted by relationship satisfaction.