THE SOBER TIMES
A NEWSLETTER FOR TRIPLE CITIES INTERGROUP AND SURROUNDING AREAS
Mission Statement:
Statement:
To share and encourage unity amongst the
Triple Cities Intergroup and surrounding AA fellowship, by providing
access to upcoming events, activities and personal views that may
be of interest to those who are affected by alcoholism. Nothing
published herein should be construed as Statements of AA or Triple
Cities Intergroup, Area 47, Al Anon, AlaTeen, District 10 or any Intergroup District, Group, or the Sober Times Committee members.
Autumn Issue No. 60
Sober Times Interviews
Some Friends of Bill’s!!
This is the first of three interviews of AA
members by the editor of Sober Times,
as reported in this, the 60th Edition. A
companion article appears on Pages 2
and 3 of this edition, detailing two other
“friends of Bill.” And, be sure to read the
Sober Times editorial, on Page 2.
Since he wasn’t a big fan of writing at length, Bob
W. (sobriety date of December, 14, 1984) met with
us before his home group meeting, the Windsor Big
Book group, Sundays, 7 PM at the Windsor Community House, 107 Main Street, Windsor, NY. This
is what he shared:
“My drinking was killing me. I couldn’t stand it. I
told my wife that I could not live this way. I went to
my family doctor, who said I had a year left, either to
the grave or to an asylum. He gave me a handwritten AA schedule. That involved going to a church- I
didn’t want to go. Church? I went on a 3 day drunk,
and then asked my wife to take me to AA.”
Bob arrived at the building, and went down a
dark hallway. At the end, he promptly fell down the
stairs! He went out to check on the location with his
wife, but she said they were at the correct location.
“She said to FIND THE MEETING!” I went back in,
and a MAN IN A CLOWN SUIT asked “can we help
you?” “I asked for help. Joked that I was there for
the Automobile Club meeting. The clown tried to
hug me. That was NOT a good thing. The only seat
in the meeting was at the center table. I sat down
and the clown put his arm on my chair. I said NO.
The clown offered coffee, saying that “we’ve all
been in this shape- if I got you coffee, would you
drink it?” I said not to tax himself, and to just pour it!”
The clown (Ralph .K) tried to touch Bob again and
Bob said “Don’t touch!”
Bob’s first sponsor, an actual southern hillbilly,
talked to him on that night and told Bob to “try and
call me the next morning.” Bob had a restless night,
but didn’t drink, going through alcohol withdrawal
the following night. After 3 days of detoxing, with his
wife constantly checking on his breathing, he asked
his wife to take him to that meeting again. The sponsor recognized him and told Bob “that he was over
the hard part. He then tried later to get me to do the
steps, but I refused. I just wanted the secret. While I
was working very long hours for the highway department, my sponsor called me for rides to meetings. A
October, November & December 2016
year and a half later, I found out he owned a car!”
Bob mentioned that in the earlier days of AA, you
could just show up to the meeting and help others- is
was OK without doing the steps right away. When an
accident gave him about 3 months off of work, Bob
had no excuse not to participate fully in all aspects of
the program. He and his sponsor went to many
meetings, of differing types. Bob used the meetings
to study the Big Book and stressed that he stayed
around REALLY sober people, not just those with a
little bit of sober time. “I met a man in AA who was
from my hometown and very shy about attending the
local meeting- I asked why, since the whole town
had seen him drink! None of us need be ashamed
about not drinking.”
Bob then became GSR, alternate DCM, then
DCM. He took the 1989 convention bid proposal for
the State Convention in Binghamton. Bob was the
1991 State Convention chairperson. “All of this
taught me about AA, the Traditions, and especially
Concepts 3,4, and 5, which talk about how we get
along. Participation, redress, and appeal teach us
that. How to get along. I also would like to add that
for a period of time, the Windsor meeting was known
as “Bob’s meeting,” and I didn’t like that.”
“In 1988, I found out I was going to be a father,
right when I was going to retire! How could this happen to us? We just bought a new car, too- I almost
drank. The meeting was only 3 doors down from the
bar- but God has looked after me through all this. My
child was born July 20, 1989, the day after we celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary! My acceptance was not graceful, but it did come- this is
the miracle that happens when you are in the program.”
“When my daughter was 5, I sent her off to
school, telling her how to behave with others in a
good way, the Golden Rule. My daughter said to me,
“Dad, don’t drink over this, but couldn’t you be more
gracious, caring, and understanding of others too? I
learned that I had to apply the Steps to my life.
When my wife was diagnosed with cancer, I remembered my mother dying (I wasn’t sober), and I asked
where God’s grace was? After surgery and chemotherapy, my wife has been cancer-free for 6 years.
Sometimes we forget all the good that God has done
for us- and sometimes, reality is not rosy. That’s why
I need to keep coming back to meetings.”
“I didn’t realize how much I had changed-others
saw this, but not me. God put good people into my
life, both inside and outside of AA. And now I am
paid to stay home! I learned that I could go to office
parties and not drink (my co-workers looked out for
me.) And I learned you don’t have to leave your job
to be sober, unless the stress makes you drink. It’s
INSIDE THIS ISSUE:
COVER STORIES
1
Interviews w/ AAs
Editorial by Laura M.
2
More AA Interviews w/
AA Old Timers
2
Religion v Spiritual
3
On “Relationships”
3
Evens & Notices
4
The Sober Times
possible to go to a union meeting
in a bar and not drink- come on
time and leave immediately.” “It is
so comforting to hear the experience of others. Don’t make rash
decisions, and use the Serenity
Prayer. Live that Serenity Prayer. I
was advised to read that prayer
TEN TIMES to prevent myself from
making angry, rash decisions. I
learned that before I did the Stepsmy friends “cheated” on me by
giving that prayer.”
Finally, Bob talked about how
he learned to behave, as a sober
man, in the program. This included
how to behave socially with his
wife, learning from his sponsor and
sponsor’s wife at events before
and during Area Assembly. As for
their life before, during, and after
Bob’s sobriety he said, “My wife
went through a process, too. We
were married 15 years before I
went to AA- she is an amazing
person. She is a blessing. I know
that if I apply the principles of the
program, I will have a good life.”
Interview by Laura M., Editor
THE SOBER TIMES—Autumn Issue No. 60 — PAGE 2
“The
Answer Will Not Always Come to
You In a Memo!”
We began with laughter- oh, and pizza too. D and J, two AA members with a
total of 61 years of sobriety between them, then talked about AA and sobriety. Please
ask either one to tell you the Empire State building drinking joke. Here are their
thoughts:
Talking About living in
Sobriety….
I decided to try something a little different with this
On not drinking one day at a time:
D: I had never heard of not drinking. I drank, always. This stopped in a Navy
rehab, where instead of drinking, I listened to music and raced 25-cent go-carts.
Stopping drinking happened just like that! There was more misery to come, though.
issue of The Sober Times. Let’s just say that I am not
getting a lot of spontaneous material for the paper, even
though many people are asking at their meetings to have
fellow
AAs
send
things
in
to
our
J: I tried fake beer. Didn’t work. I had so many white chips- I was in and out,
in and out, and couldn’t stop drinking. I used being “constitutionally incapable” as an
excuse. Gene V. actually gave me $10 to go get a drink downtown.
website,
[email protected]. Since there are many
On change:
members out there who do not like to write, who are una-
Both immediately said that you have to. They shared about personal change, big and
small.
ble to participate via email, or who are just unsure, I decided to simply try to make appointments with sober people and get them to sit down and talk about their sobriety.
There was no set plan, no set of questions, and I figured
D: I stopped telling dirty jokes when my sponsor said, “Hey, we’re supposed
to be getting better! Since he had always laughed with me, it was a real wake-up
call.”
that once people started talking about how they live in
sobriety, everything would fall together. It was a wonderful
experience, and quite amusing, too. We have all been
taught that our participation in the program means little to
nothing if we are unable to “pass it on” by working with
fellow alcoholics. When I started with the paper as my first
real service position, I assumed that other alcoholics
would benefit from a newspaper. It was kind of my “duh”
moment. However, as I have written what my fellow AAs
have shared, my sobriety has been enriched more than I
ever imagined. This is particularly true for the conversations or recordings that are published here. If you have
J: Frank C. pulled me aside and said that an AA meeting was not a barroom.
I cleaned up my language then. The men back then taught me how to behave and
said when the pain is great enough, you will want to change your life. If you hear
something in AA that rubs you the wrong way, there might be something in your life
that you need to work on.
D: People need guidance with that change. I was full of rage.
Both men described those feelings, quickly and concisely: life sucked, rage, anger,
dying a 1,000 deaths, no self-worth, no confidence, the inability to care for oneself. D.
didn’t remember his alcohol and/or rage induced blackouts, but knew that they involved violence. J. would rage about his family during blackouts. Picture two strong,
angry, blacked-out young men. For D., the program has removed his anger. For J., it
was the Steps that let him meet and deal with his emotions.
some free time before or after a meeting, ask a fellow
alcoholic how this program helps them live in a sober
manner. You won’t regret it.
As for having material for this publication, get a hold of
us, and I guarantee that we will work with you to share
your experience, strength, and hope, however you choose
to share. You owe yourself (and your sobriety) this opportunity to work with fellow alcoholics. Enjoy the issue,
Laura M. Editor
The Tenth Tradition
Short Form
Alcoholics Anonymous has no opinion on
outside issues; hence, the A.A. name ought
never be drawn into public controversy.
Long Form
No A.A. group or member should ever, in
such a was as to implicate A.A. , express
any opinion on outside controversial
issues—particularly those of politics,
alcohol reform or sectarian religion.
The Alcoholics Anonymous groups
oppose no one. Concerning such matters
they can express no views, whatever,
Alcoholics Anonymous—Pages 562 & 565
On singleness of purpose:
D: I spent years not drinking without AA. I joined the fellowship, drank once
after 8 years, and then came back again. There was no way I would have had recovery at age 20- I hadn’t hurt enough. I needed both my spiritual and emotional bottoms. In 1974, there was about 1 million people in AA. There are only about 2 million
now. I think that people are in and out because they have not hit a true bottom. AA
doesn’t fix all, right away- I needed Al-Anon, ACOA, and counseling, too. Also, there
are too many “a drug is a drug is a drug” people. This is AA! The Big Book says that
you need to be “our kind,” alcoholic, to get help from the program. The most important job is to be guardian of the traditions. You will not be popular in AA in that
role.
J: I identify with that. AA is AA. You don’t need to come and tell all about
your religious beliefs to get your point across. If someone is interested in your religion, this can be discussed outside of a meeting or with your sponsor. AA is designed
to bring you back to God, the God of your own understanding. This is how you live,
one day at a time, without drinking.
Hardest thing in the program:
J: The 4th step. Writing all of that down was terrible. It made me feel vulnerable. My sponsor said that showed I was doing it right.
D: The 5th step. I had just written down what a piece of shit I was- telling
someone else made it real.
As they spoke, AA nicknames came up: Bible Bob, Chemical Bob, Bullshit Bob, Big
Book Bob, Railroad Jim, Ice Cream Jim, Airplane Jim, Tattoo Dave, Spiritual Bill, and
Oxygen Bill.
What it is like now:
J: I would sometimes feel intimidated at meetings. I love meetings now.
I used to hate hearing about people’s gratitude- I had none. Also, I have learned that
people do not keep you sober. Or just memorizing the Big Book- people can quote
the book up, down, sideways- they still drink.
D: I have always loved meetings, especially out of town. I’m a firm believer that if someone asks you to be a sponsor, say yes! God feels you have something to offer. Same for speaking. ((Continued on Page 3—Column # 1.))
THE SOBER TIMES—Autumn Issue No. 60— PAGE 3
Religion versus Spirituality
((Continued from Page 2, Column 2.))
J: And sponsors don’t direct your life. Pick a
sponsor that has great sobriety.
D: If you are willing, the answers will
come from God, through another person.
J: I believe that. You need to be
Many in AA struggle to separate religion and spirituality. Many join these
two entities together but many do not. These are some ideas from
www.the-open-mind.com. about differences between the two (Shared by
Sober in Endicott.)
open.
1. Religion makes you bow; spirituality sets you free.
D: The quantity of someone’s sobriety in (this program is greatly overrated. Whatever you call God- you must allow that to be in
control of your life, or you have not yet hit your
spiritual bottom. God will take the “stuff” you
cannot carry- he will give it back to you when
you are strong enough to carry it.
2. Religion shows you fear, spirituality show you how to be brave.
J: Each person that comes into your
life is meant to share a spiritual connection with
you- to teach, to share, or even to be negative.
You have a choice as to what to do with that
connection.
6. Religion applies punishment; spirituality applies karma.
Both are amazed at the happiness in their lives,
by living in AA, by changing physically, spiritually, emotionally. Both are forever grateful to AA..
3. Religion tells you the truth; spirituality lets you discover it.
4. Religions separate from other religions; spirituality unites them.
5. Religion makes you dependent; spirituality makes you independent.
7.
Religion makes you follow another’s journey; spirituality lets you create
My Higher Power works incognito, defying definition and
requiring faith."
Working Incognito," State College, Pa., April 1994 Spiritual Awakenings
“Relationships and Safety in AA”
As far as I know, the Sober
Times does not run any brain
games like a crossword or Sudoku (note to editors: try it out,
might attract more readers.) So,
here’s a game of fill-in-theblanks: “According to timetested A.A. wisdom, newcomers
should not enter _________ in their first year of sobriety.” If you entered “rehab,” go straight to jail and do not collect a white chip. If you
answered “a relationship”—ding! ding! You get a stale cookie from last
night’s meeting.
I first heard the “No relationship in year one” suggestion from oldtimers who resembled Basset hounds. “Easy for you,” I thought, “the
only thing scratching at your doors are neighborhood strays.” Over
time, however, I realized they weren’t just being cranky gargoyles on
the gates of A.A. (okay, some are). I found wisdom in their message.
Few of us arrive at A.A. capable of participating healthily in relationships. To learn how, we must inventory our histories- through step work
- to identify what went wrong in past relationships, what part we played,
and how to begin changing our behaviors to avoid old pitfalls. You
know, fun stuff. A shiny new relationship would distract us from stepwork (requiring time, focus) and from learning defenses against the first
drink (requiring many meetings, sponsor-time, spiritual development,
washing coffee urns, etc.) This is why the old-timers suggested a oneyear moratorium.
A moratorium is not a house for dead bodies. It means, “a temporary prohibition of an activity.” (Gratis, Google.) Hence, a moratorium
on dating (and, ahem, related activities) means to cool it for a while.
Why not take the twelve months to explore yourself before attempting
another relationship, and doing the same as always, but expecting different results? (As we commonly define insanity.) Remember: true love
waits. If your suitor can’t sit on his or her hands until you’re ready to
practice maturity, self-respect, and sanity in a relationship, then that
person is a Humanus Scumbagus and not worth your time.
At the risk of sounding crusty, here’s another thought: rather than
adding new people to your intimate circle, why not first focus on repairing your existing relationships with family, kids, friends, co-workers,
etc.? You’ll find it feels much better to cross completed amends off a
ninth step list than to add new names to your fourth.
Congratulations! You’ve chosen to keep your zipper up. Now you’re
wondering how to protect yourself from unwanted attention at meet-
ings. I’m glad you asked- I don’t lug around this old soapbox for my
health, after all.
First, spread the word: hugs are not required. If someone you only
know from a few meetings tries to hug you, feel free to extend a hand
instead. Most likely, this person is after a cheap thrill. (Sorry, guys.)
Another old adage around here is “Men stick with men, women with
women.” Let people of your own gender (or chosen gender) explain
how to be “a friend on your feet” before you pal around with the other
team.
Next, there’s no magical advice that can only be shared privately
“back at my place,” or over a foamy Starbucks latte. Normal people call
these situations “dates.” An eager friend can easily share his or her
advice before or after a meeting. Or, you can accept your pal’s invitation, but drag along five or six A.A. friends and make a group of it. Keep
up your defenses, kids, and you’ll soon know what Mr. Helpful’s intentions really were.
Sadly, you may be leered at in meetings. When beside a leering
person, I don’t know whether to pass the seventh tradition basket or a
dribble cup. Often their behavior can’t be helped- they’re just gross.
However, you might be able to curtail some of that icky attention. Ask
yourself: do I dress provocatively? If you feel a draft on taboo parts, put
on another layer. You’re a nice person who wouldn’t hold a sideconversation during a meeting because that would be rude and distracting. Don’t let your belly button distract, either. My sponsor says that
in the stone ages, people dressed with respect for A.A. meetings. Ties
and button-down shirts, can you imagine?
In all seriousness, if you do feel threatened at an A.A. meeting, it is
important that you tell group members. If not for yourself, then speak up
on behalf of those who might not know that we can take action if we
don’t feel safe here.
This last part is for members with some years invested in the fellowship, but you newcomers can read on if you like. STOP PREYING ON
NEWCOMERS YOU OLD BUZZARDS!
Ahem.
Sobriety is a matter of life and death. Allowing your own hungry instincts to interfere with a newcomer’s sober journey puts his or her life
at risk. Guilt, embarrassment, and regret will chase newcomers away
faster than a pregnancy test at a frat house. Let’s protect the newest
members of our fellowship, not pursue them lustily. Newcomers tend to
admire members with multiple years. Exploiting that admiration for your
own sexual gains is predatory and shameful. Worse, others who see
your example might assume that’s acceptable and perpetuates the behavior. I suggest you read about emotional sobriety and take a cold
shower.
Sponsors, pass on that crusty old A.A. wisdom that you were entrusted with. Newcomers, respect yourselves and stay safe. Thanks for
listening to this old gargoyle. I was kidding about the cookie.
Russell R.,
THE SOBER TIMES—Autumn Issue No. 60 — PAGE 4
Shaking the Family Tree……
Afton Meeting Changes
Sunday Afton Speakers Meeting and the
Thursday Afton Discussion Group
BOTH begin at 7 PM.
Both meet at St. Ann’s Episcopal Church
127 Main Street Afton, NY
ALATEEN MEETING CLOSES:
The Binghamton AlaTeen meeting has closed.
There are other meetings in Cortland and Ithaca. If
you have, or know of, teens in recovery, contact:
Therese:
[email protected] or 516-466-8183
Does your group need LITERATURE?
Do you need it now?
Contact : John L. at lenoxbe@aol
Call: 607-760-9155.
John can arrange
for larger orders,
as well!
NOTICE:
The “Keep and Open Mind” group has
changed its name to:
“The Mostly Agnostic” group.
The group still meets Tuesdays at 7:30 PM at
Atomic Tom’s, 196 State St., Binghamton, NY
ESCYPAA 3
Will be held on Long Island, from 10/28-10/30
Contact Dan R. for more information at 607-235-4734
Looking for AA Events? AA
Meetings?
As the last surviving male progeny of
my “family of origin.” mine is the dubious honor of blowing out the candle on our lineage. Candidly, I don’t’
know whether to laugh or cry. I do
know that alcoholism is a family disease and that, over time, it indiscriminately sickens entire families: those
who drink and those who watch us
drink. In my own family, it was nearly epidemic and is still taking prisoners.
So, as the last patriarch, I am moved to say some words about those who
came before, without judgment or scorn. “Shaking the family tree” is a worthy metaphor; I would play “Taps,” if I knew how...but I don’t. But, as a
recovering alcoholic, I bear witness on behalf of all of those in my family
who lived the family disease. Only one other family member, thus far, has
walked into the rooms of A.A. And , by the way, he’s a miracle.
My grandfather, Shorty, was a tough, hardened man, born in the
late 1890’s. He worked as a steamfitter in the Brooklyn Navy Yard. For a
time, his two children were raised in a Jesuit Orphanage. We never knew
my grandmother: he banished her from their lives in the 1920’s. A life-long
alcoholic, he spent his monthly pension benefits on three week’s worth of
whiskey….thereby guaranteeing at least one tormented week, each & every month! When I was a child, he was shuttled back and forth between our
house and the home of my Uncle Ed and Aunt Alice, in Maryland, for indeterminate periods of time...the durations of which were chiefly based upon
the host family’s capacity to tolerate his misadventures. Once, while he
lived with us, the local fire department was summoned to extricate him
from the space between the toilet and the bathtub, where he had fallen.
On another occasion, my mother found him nearly unconscious in the cellar of our house...claiming to have been hit by a truck. The family doctor
reported that the “truck” was a bottle. As children, my sisters and I were
mostly afraid of him; later we simply ignored him. Now, at 68, I finally feel
empathy and sorrow for him.
Shorty had 3 sons...including one who did not survive infancy. The other
two, my Uncle Ed and my father, were both unremitting drinkers until they
died; hard drinkers whose preference was straight whiskey or a boiler
maker...draft beer and a shot...and who smoked unfiltered cigarettes.
Small wonder, they died prematurely: my father at the age of 67; my Uncle
Ed at 71. My Uncle Ed married my mother’s first cousin, Alice, who was
also an alcoholic. She died many years before Uncle Ed, from alcoholism.
They had three children: Micky...a young boy who was killed by a truck
and Tina and Ed, whom we called, Little Eddy. His alcoholism was lifelong and unabated, in spite of successive injuries that he suffered in falls.
In 2014, cancer and medical malpractice killed him. I spoke at his funeral
and broke my anonymity because I believed that some context was needed in the family’s continuing tribulations with alcohol. I barely knew his
sister, Tina, who died when she was just in her 40’s, of liver disease.
In effect, all of my antecedents on my father’s side of the “family tree” were
alcoholics until they died. On my mother’s side, her two younger sisters
both married men who struggled, life-long, with the unmanageability and
destruction brought about by active alcoholism. All of those people lived
lives imbued with conflict, loss and unhappiness, Few, if any, ever sought
professional help and, as most of us know, their children grow up in the
midst of that conflict and unhappiness and, untreated, the cycle continues.
Today, the legacy of disease continues in our family. My sister says “We
either marry them or we breed them!” As I think about the hardships and
pain associated with the lives of all of these alcoholics, I wonder how different their lives might have been had they found recovery? Growing up,
everything that I have herein depicted seemed completely normal to me
and to many of those in my family. When, as a young man, I was introduced to the family of my sweetheart, I sensed...immediately...how profoundly different was their living experience. The word Normal, comes to
mind. And maybe, just maybe, that’s what helped save me. BB
Everything you need can be found at:
NOTE: MEETING TIME CHANGE:
aabinghamton.org
Tuesday night “Sober Sisters” Group meets at
5:00 PM...Not 6:00 PM…at the United Methodist Church,
53 McKinley Avenue, Endicott, NY
(Click on Events or Meetings)