Brainfuse Writing Lab
Welcome to the 24/7 writing lab!
Our overview comments, specific recommendations, and a recommended revisions checklist are included
in our tutor response form below. Additional comments are also found in the body of your paper in bold
or in parentheses below our tutor response form. Feel free to re-submit your paper for further review after
using our comments and suggestions to make the recommended changes.
If you have additional questions, you can direct them to [email protected].
Thank you for choosing the Brainfuse Writing Lab and best wishes with your revisions!
Literary Essay Review
Part 1 – Overview
On the whole, your paper had a clearly stated thesis and developed points in a generally well-organized manner.
The primary concerns that I’d like to cover in our recommendations relate to strengthening your introduction and
conclusion; improving your organization; writing more grammatically; making use of clearer word choice; and
using quotations more effectively.
Part 2 – Introduction and Conclusion
Your introduction would benefit from reorganization, a clearer formulation of your thesis, and the addition
supporting information. Concerning reorganization, our additional comments point out how your introduction’s third
sentence seems a bit out of place. Since the role of this sentence is to define the musical qualities of a blues song, it
seems poorly positioned in between two sentences that discuss blues music’s role in literature. If your introduction
would benefit from you moving this third sentence to after the first sentence, it would also benefit from a more
precise thesis statement. How can you be more specific about how blues music “complicates” or “enhances”
traditional narratives?
Providing a bit more information about where specifically in the English “literary tradition” blues music has been
incorporated (which you mention in the second sentence), and about what characterizes blues music’s “cultural
tradition” and “emotion” (which you mention in your thesis) may help you present a stronger thesis to the reader.
You had the right instincts with defining blues music in the introduction. Similarly, giving basic definitions of each
major term you mention in your introduction will allow your reader to catch on to what you’ll be discussing right off
the bat and will allow you to devote more room to argument in your body.
Regarding your conclusion, you currently end your paper by restating your thesis. You want to aim to make your
conclusion go one step further than summarizing what you’ve already stated. What further point or connection could
you offer in the conclusion that would make reader walk away from the paper with something new?
(I have added additional comments within your paper. They offer suggestions on how to express some awkward
phrases more clearly.)
Part 3 – Content Development
Your use of quotations in the third paragraph is a bit unclear. The quotes describe information that you don’t
analyze and connect to your argument. You want to aim to have a quote demonstrate an analytical point that you are
making.
The first quote about Quicksand is unclear because you don’t show how all of the parts of this quote relate. Who, for
instance, is “him” in the third part of the quote? And what’s the difference between “sensuality” and “sexuality”?
You may perhaps want to find the part of the quote (perhaps the first part?) that provides the best evidence for the
point about characterization that you want to make, and then you can add your own words to specify what point this
quote illustrates.
Your second quote in the third paragraph seems well chosen, but again it’s not fully clear what point this quote is
illustrating. Make sure to explain how each point relates to your argument. You can also log into Skills Building or
Live Help to work with a writing tutor on selecting quotations and explaining what points they support.
Some of the terms that you used also need to be elaborated. In paragraph four, it was unclear what exactly the sense
of “emotion” was as well as what defines the “blues novel.” Though following our recommendations in the
introduction will help you better convey the sense of “emotion” to the reader, you would still benefit from being
clearer about the specific emotional component of blues music and its contribution to literature in paragraph four. It
also came as a surprise that you mentioned the “blues novel” in this paragraph and not sooner. It is unclear whether
your points about clues apply to all literature or just to this specific genre. Working to better define this term and its
importance in your paper will help the reader better appreciate how your thesis’s points are apparent in English
literature.
Part 4 – Organization
Our suggestions regarding organization relate mostly to your transition from the second to the third paragraph:
….Infusing the cultural tradition of blues with
characterization allows the novelist to employ any
number of characteristics associated with the blues in
literal or symbolic ways.
Nella Larsen’s Quicksand in 1928 shows the character
“Helga Crane who is unable to confront the frank
sensuality in her life… she could weild (wield) over men
through her sexuality… though her thoughts about him
are sexually charge (“d”)” (Tracy, page 128).
Your topic sentence for paragraph three serves to introduce Quicksand, but it doesn’t clearly show how this novel’s
characterization of Helga reflects blues’ “cultural tradition.” Your second sentence in this paragraph seems to work
much better at establishing how the author makes use of characterization and what such characterization
demonstrates about blues’ “cultural tradition.” I suggest that you begin this paragraph with this second sentence and
integrate the necessary information about the novel title into this new topic sentence. You will want to keep in mind
what the role of your quote about Crane currently is, as well as how this role may change if you decide to implement
these changes. Would you keep this same quote, or would you perhaps want to add a new one if you follow our
recommendations? What new points might you want to illustrate that would necessitate different quotations?
As you revise, you also want to keep in mind how to better integrate the last sentence of your third paragraph into
the rest of the paragraph. Please see our comment after this sentence.
Part 5 – Grammar and Mechanics
This section offers a brief breakdown of any recurring errors in grammar and mechanics. You can see our additional
comments for more instances of grammar, usage, and mechanics that need to be corrected.
a) Prepositions: Mastering prepositions is one of the hardest things to do and is a mark of mastering the
language. There aren’t any good rules of thumb to go by, and certain verbs (such as “infuse”) can be
followed by more than one preposition (which consequently changes their meanings). While our body
comments cover preposition mistakes in this paper, please log on to Skills Building or Live Help on the
Brainfuse homepage to work with a tutor to further study verbs and the prepositions that follow them.
b) Verb tense conventions: When writing papers, always recount the action of the story or offer your insight
into what the author accomplishes in a passage in the present tense. (Please see the body comment in your
third paragraph regarding “infused/infuses” and where you introduce your Hurston quote in paragraph
four).
c) Capitalization: You’ll notice that I changed the capitalization of the Hurston novel in our comments.
Part 6 – Formatting
You generally don't write “page” before giving page numbers in in-text parenthetical citations. You’ll want to
double check what citation format you’re following for this paper. The Purdue Online Writing Lab (OWL) contains
very valuable resources for formatting citations and bibliographies and can help you properly format your
parenthetical citations. Here’s a link to OWL’s parenthetical citation model for MLA format:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/747/02/. Note that you’d cite Tracy as (Tracy 124-5) if you were to
follow this model. (These page numbers are just examples.)
You may also review our body comments on how to more gracefully introduce author names and titles of works
before introducing quotations.
Part 7 – Recommended Revisions Checklist
 Develop a more precise thesis statement by explaining what
makes your thesis true. (Part 2)
 Reorganize your introduction. (Part 2)
 Explain how each quotation that you choose relates to your
thesis statement, especially in the third paragraph. (Part 3)
 Revise your transition from the second to the third
paragraphs. (Part 4)
 Revise the closing sentence of the third paragraph. (Part 4)
 Clarify the terms in paragraph 4. (Part 3)
 Make your conclusion more compelling: What further point
or connection could you offer in the conclusion that would
make readers walk away from the paper with something
new? (Part 2)
 Edit your paper with a focus on verb tense and preposition
use. (Part 5)
Part 8 – Suggested Resources
MLA Format: http://www.mla.org/
Additional Comments in Blue
I have also added specific comments to your paper. You will find them typed in blue below. In many cases, the
word, phrase, or mark that they refer to is also in blue.
The Blues Novel
Rough Draft
Blues (adding “music” here would help avoid confusion over what sense of blues you’re
discussing) emerged in the United States after the reconstruction era (Proper noun: “Reconstruction
Era”). Since the emergence (you already used “emerged” in the previous sentence; try adding a new
word here, like “advent”) of blue(s) music, it has been incorporated into the English literary tradition
(this sentence would perhaps read more smoothly if you reworded it with something like “Since its
beginning, blues music has been incorporated into English literature”). The blues are traditionally pitchy
(“Pitchy” reads awkwardly; what’s a synonym that you can use?) oral lyric works (Does “Oral lyric
works”=song? Use song if so. If not, try to be clearer about what you’re describing here) using a variety
of loosely fixed structures into which are poured the subject matter of an individual experience that
reflects communal interest (This sentence, which gives a definition of a blue’s song, seems a bit out of
place in between these two sentences. Wouldn’t adding it to the first sentence make this paragraph
flow better?). Blues is an alternative narrative that complicates and (/) or enhances traditional literary
narratives by (Add a verb here) cultural tradition, emotion and philosophy.
The cultural tradition of blues deals commonly with personal relationships between men and
women, or the form of the blues lyric (“lyrics”—this word is typically put in plural form), with its (use
“their”—because lyrics is plural) call and response structure, can also find expression in the novel (The
transition between women and lyrics is unclear. Is “or” the right transition word? Did you leave some
information out?) (Tracy, page 124-125). The cultural tradition of blues enhances the traditional novel
by allowing (“the”) novelist to address a specific topic – such as loneliness, frustration, isolation, etc.: within the novel. (“The”, then “novelist”) Novelist can address specific topics through characterization
or the title of book. By infusing a word or two with (‘into’ is more appropriate here) the title of a book,
the novelist provides a clear clue that the reader should be considering the way that characteristics of
the blues might be utilized in the novel. Clarence Major’s Dirty Bird Blues (underline or italicize book
titles) in 1996 provides such (“an”) example. Characterization is a method used by writers to develop a
character, whether it’s (delete “it’s”) by showing a character’s appearance, actions or thoughts. Infusing
the cultural tradition of blues with (as above, “into” is more appropriate here) characterization allows
the novelist to employ any number of characteristics associated with the blues in literal or symbolic
ways.
Nella Larsen’s Quicksand (if this is a novel, then italicize or underline; if it’s a short story, then
use quotation marks around the title) in 1928 (‘in 1928’ after the story/novel name reads awkwardly;
consider starting the sentence with something like “Nella Larsen’s 1928 story/novel
“Quicksand”/Quicksand) shows the character “Helga Crane who is unable to confront the frank
sensuality in her life… she could weild (wield) over men through her sexuality… though her thoughts
about him are sexually charge(“d”)” (Tracy, page 128). Nella Larsen infused (“infuses”: use present tense
when discussing the plot or effects of a novel) one of the traditional subject matters of the blues –
sexual desire – with characterization – showing a character’s thoughts. Novelists also use references to
blues lyrics, performances or musicians to help further explain to the reader the main point of the book.
Novelists may incorporate real(-)life blues musician(s) in the text, as either real characters or
touchstones or symbols of some idea or sp(i)rit. “In all circumstances, the reader must measure the
elements the novel portrays against the use of such elements in the blues tradition itself to determine
how the novelist accepts, modifies, or alters the occurrence of those elements from the blues tradition
in the novel…(You’ll want to delete this ellipsis (…) unless it appeared in the text itself)”(Tracy, 125).
Most novelists integrate blues elements to further discuss a topic that they find to be troubling the
(delete) society (This point seems important but added on. How can you better integrate it into the rest
of your paragraph?).
Not only as blues enhance (“has blues enhanced”) the traditional literary narrative through its
tradition, it has also enhance(d) the traditional literary narrative through its emotion and philosophy.
The philosophy of the blues, (using “namely,” before ‘facing’ is a useful way of clearly introducing your
definition of the ‘philosophy of the blues’ after the comma) facing the impossible odds and hope in the
face of adversity (replace the hyphen with a comma) – goes along with the blues and its emotion.
Novelists integrate the philosophy and emotion of the blues into the traditional literary narrative by
evoking the feelings of the reader as well as the characters in the novel. Evoking the emotions of the
reader give way for the reader to (consider replacing “give way for the reader to” with “makes the
reader”) feel sympathy towards (replace with “for”) the characters who are going through the tough
times. Novelists have incorporated the emotion (perhaps “emotionality”? “Emotional nature”? As is,
“emotion” seems awkward because it makes it seem as if there’s only one emotion that defines the
blues) of the blues to further help readers who are going through what the character are that there is
hope (“help...that” reads awkwardly. Consider wording this phrase in a way like “help encourage readers
who are going through what the characters are going through with a message of hope”). The characters
in the “blues novel” usually have some sort of pain, which starts out as sadness, but sadness may not be
the only expression portrayed, rejoice of overcoming hardship is also shown. The use of the emotion
(see above comment) of blues alters the theme of the story, the theme of a story is found in the depths
of the novel (delete this wording between the commas), but adding the emotion of blues changes the
theme from just the meaning to the meaning and how to get through it (This point about how meaning
changes sounds interesting but is a bit unclear; what more can you say here?). In Their eyes are
watching God, written in 1937 by Zora Neale Hurston, (Introducing the novel in a way like “Zora Neale
Hurston’s 1937 novel Their Eyes Are Watching God” helps the sentence flow better) the primary
emotion was (delete) portrayed in the text as (is) “cosmic loneliness” and “infinity of conscious pain”
(Where’s your citation?). (How does this sentence conclude the paragraph?)
The blues was basic music that was raised from African American traditions; it is now being
integrated with (“into”) the traditional literary narrative. Novelists use the blues to enhance the
traditional literary narrative by incorporating the cultural tradition of blues, and its philosophy and
emotion.